


Hooves on Nature Trails

by ObtuseOctopus



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexuality Spectrum, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Peridot (Steven Universe), Child Abuse, Developing Relationship, Disability, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Family Secrets, Finding Identity - Freeform, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrations, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Jealousy, LGBTQ Themes, Loss of Parent(s), Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Neurological Disorders, POV First Person, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Personal Growth, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Secret Identity, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Summer Camp, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Therapy, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Unhealthy Relationships, Verbal Abuse, equine therapy, finding self, quiet hands, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 116
Words: 199,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22446130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus
Summary: • Currently on OFF AND ON HIATUS. •You didn’t fail the world. The world failed you. Find your true friends and family and pick up the pace, keep running little thoroughbred. Getting somewhere is better than nowhere.Peridot has been sent to attend an equine therapy farm for the summer due to her mother hoping to “cure” her. There’s animals and there’s some adventure and drama, pain and endurance if she wants to truly find and accept herself at last.(( Some chapters are 16+ due to content or TW. Please respect this.))
Relationships: Jamie/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 399
Kudos: 531





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> // Based on some personal experience attending an equine therapy place. Also based on own experience/life being autistic, so won’t be the same as someone else’s experience or even a bit different.
> 
> CW; Ableism, ableist language, mention/talk about misinformation or stereotype and self denial about neurological disabilities.

" _Log date; 5- 30- 26._

The first thing I can vividly recall upon first step onto DeMayo Farm is the cow musk. And let me tell you, it _reeks_ when it comes to cows. Bovine, to be precise. The ungulates with four stomach chambers and make a mooing noise. The walking beef with legs, you know, those things. You get my point. They reek, and unfortunately for me, the first thing that greeted me was one of these... cows. It tried to eat my hair and I hated it. So far, I rate this place a three out of ten. Because of the cow obviously. If the cow was removed, maaaaybe I'll bump my rating up to a five. Four...? Nyeh, I haven't decided. I'll figure it out."

"Peridot! Where are you?" A gentle and warm voice interrupted my recording. I peeked out from the hay bale that I was hiding behind, still clutching the cassette recorder in my hands.

"This ends my log date. I'll be back with more later." Ending the recording with a single press of the button, I tucked the device into the pocket of my green jacket. The woman that co-owns this farm must be done talking to my mother about the arrangements here. You see, I'm going to be forced to come to this cows who eat hair place during the whole summer for something called equine therapy. It's a simple concept, basically I come here every day until high school starts back up again in the fall, working with horses and a horse professional and what is called a mental health professional. I guess horses make good therapists apparently. Even though they are animals that don't talk or hug and would probably eat my hair too. I mean, they're big animals. Why would they not eat my hair?

"Peridot!" That time, it was my mother's voice. Which of course made me hurry the hell up and run out of the barn. I had been told to explore the territory while the adults discuss important matters but now that exploring time is over. And I was rather bummed that I didn't find any chickens. Just hair eating animals. Eugh.

Once I got back to the adults who were by the horse pasture, seated in a circle of lawn chairs placed in the shade, probably doing a ritual while I had been gone since circles are commonly associated with religious ritual material I don’t know, I stopped in front of my mom and looked at her as if waiting for news. She was a rather reasonably aged business woman, with the same blonde hair as me. Divorced, from since I was only three with my father still a secret kept from me, but successful. 

"Hello, Peridot," Rose, the wife of the man whose family owned this farm, made me turn my attention toward her. Her voice always sounded like she was talking to a toddler who didn't know what a chicken was. It kind of made me cringe. Because obviously, I'm sixteen and I know what a chicken is. I didn't need any sweet baby talk. "We finished going over a few things. You seem to be a remarkable young lady."

"Thaaanks," I responded, uncertain of if her compliment meant any worth to me. What was the context of 'remarkable' here? Hm.

"It's useless to talk to her," my mom piped up in a serious tone. "She's practically broken."

"There is no thing such as being broken," Rose calmly countered. "Everybody is different, in their own beautiful ways. Everyone functions differently, like how they perceive the world differently."

"No, no. Believe me, I've handled her for _years_ . We've seen _multiple_ doctors for the past twelve years, there's _nothing_ that can cure her." My mother slicked back her hair before clasping her hands together in her lap as if she were at a business meeting. I wasn’t fazed. This was normal for her.

"Her condition is neurological, it can't just be cured," Greg, the husband of Rose, stated. His voice was sort of like his wife's but more of... coconut. It wasn't as baby-talk. I appreciated that greatly.

"But she can get a healthy therapy system for any troubles she's having," Rose added warmly. “I just need you to sign a paper or two.” The woman must be pretty observant or something because right before my mom could rebut with her face twisted in a scowl and her thick eyebrows furrowed, both the wife and husband of the farm property arose from their seats. 

"C'mon, kiddo," Greg beckoned for me to follow him to somewhere while Rose began to speak to my mother once more about finalizing things. "How 'bout I introduce you to some faces around here?"

Confused, I glanced at the man as I followed where he was taking me. "Unless the faces come attached to a body and a skeletal and muscular system, uh... no." I adjusted my glasses. I should’ve got some more time to explore, but I didn’t mind a much more proper introduction to everything around here. I’ve only been in the barn anyway, not the stables or pastures or anything else that I could see.

"Ah, oops. I mean introducing you to some other people here, like the volunteers. Sorry for the confusion! Guess I'm going to need to be a bit more on the ball, huh?"

I said nothing this time, though I did squint my eyes at him and mentally question what kind of ball he was trying to be on. I hope he's not talking about testicles. Those are balls right? Yeah. Because in that case then there was some more issues with farm. And I wasn't talking about the hair-eating cows being the only problematic factor this time. The heck was going on again? Oh, right. Horses. I’m so excited. That was sarcasm, in case it wasn’t clear. My sense of humor shines brighter than the rest obviously. I’m a comedian. I’m funnier than anyone.

Greg led me to the horse stables a bit far from the pasture, where he opened the wide doors for me and allowed me inside the big building first. Unlike cows, I was realizing, horses hardly smelled at all. But they probably would like to chew my hair too. So, I stayed wary when I first spotted a few horses penned in their stables, ranging in various coat patterns like buckskin or silver dapple. 

One of the stalls were open, with a flaxen colored horse standing in front of it. The equine was tied to the welded front grille of the stable with a lead rope, waiting patiently still as someone finished up grooming its back with some kind of brush thing.

“Steven! Lapis! Come say hi, we have a new visitor!” Greg announced, joyful as ever. I paused, staring at one horse who was black with a white star snipe on his head. He looked okay. Pretty handsome too. I didn’t pet him though because maybe he could roundhouse kick me in the face.

“Coming!” A younger voice called from the back of the stables. And out of the open stable where the blonde horse was standing, came a small boy with curly dark hair. He had a red shirt with a yellow star on it, and he wore jeans with heavy work boots. He looked to be probably around twelve. 

Behind him came a girl who was in no rush at all, taller than me and with dyed blue hair which was kept short. She was the one who had been brushing the horse. She looked exhausted, and she wore a light jean jacket with black leggings. Probably… my age? I assume? I hope-? Er, I mean, probably. She said nothing. Probably an introvert. There’s a lot of probably. I didn’t want to assume.

“Hey, Peridot!” Steven smiled as he came up to me. “My dad mentioned you earlier. I’m Steven. It’s nice to meet you.” He held out his hand, and I blankly stared at it, unsure of what to do with it.

“Err- thanks,” I said. 

I noticed that Steven gave me a dumbfounded look, but he put his hand back down and didn’t comment on it. Instead, he pointed to the older girl with him who had gone to fetch more fresh hay after she put the brush away. “That’s Lapis. She’s not as social as I am, but she’s super nice!”

“That sounds… comforting,” I replied before going back and making my statement more elaborate, “I mean, that sounds nice to know. Thank you for sharing that vital information with me, Steven.”

“Sure!” Steven turned to Greg, and only then did I realize by how similar they looked that they were family. It should’ve been obvious with the curls in his hair that looked like Rose. I really should be more observant and keep my eyes open for more physical notes and hints. “Tracer needs some more oats, she ate all of them yesterday.”

“She should be fine, schnuball. Those oats are gonna hold her over for a while. They’re full of lots of nutrition,” Greg assured.

“Tracer?” I said, waiting for Greg to first finish.

“Yeah, Tracer!” Steven conformed.

“Like the Overwatch Tracer?”

“Yeah, exactly! She was named after her. You play too?”

“Of course I do. I’m always Tracer.”

Steven giggled. “I’m already Tracer.”

“Hm. I see you’re a man of culture as well,” I commented, clearing my throat, I watched as the girl in the back- Lapis, right? - haul some hay into the stable. 

“This is the stable, where we keep all our horses,” Greg explained. “You’ll be working with Tracer often in your sessions, she’s the most gentle mare out there.”

“Do you wanna pet her?” Steven invited. 

“Umm…” I stammered.

“Don’t worry! She doesn’t bite, she won’t even hurt a fly.” Steven grabbed my hand, I let him, and he took me closer to the horse. “Hold a fist out to her nose so she can get used to you. Then you can pet her.”

“Uhh…” I reluctantly did as told, clenching my left hand into a fist and holding it out to the horse. Tracer leaned in to smell at my fist, then she lightly bumped her muzzle against it. 

“She likes you!” Steven smiled. “Go ahead, pet her. She likes when you pet her forehead.”

I trusted him, so I reached up and rested my palm upon the horse’s brow. I scratched lightly with my fingers, minding the lock of wild blonde hair hanging down the horse’s face. She felt… soft. And she didn’t eat my hair, so already she was a better fit than the cows.

“... She likes everybody.” I glanced up, pulling my hand back rather quickly at the new voice. The girl that had been with Steven approached us. She stared right at me. I shied away, a bit intimidated. She sounded so… deadpan.

“Of course she does, Lapis! She’s a nice horse. The nicest one I know,” Steven said.

“You say that about a lot of horses,” Lapis stated. She looked at me again. “Are you Peridot?”

I nodded, my words caught in my throat. I couldn’t say anything.

“I heard about you,” Lapis went on. Yeah like that wasn’t obvious. 

“She’s the one with autism,” Steven added innocently.

Immediately I shied away even more, defensive as ever. “It’s _not_ autism,” I hissed, hands on my hips sassily. I don’t know why, but whenever anyone mentioned its name, I felt self pity and self hatred. It was a word that put me on edge. I was reminded of how many times my mother would treat me like an animal instead of a child because of it. I grew to hate the word. It was the reason I was suffering, surely.

“Oh. I’m sorry…” Steven apologized. “What is it then?”

“It’s none of your business. Nothing’s wrong with me!” I proudly declared. “I’m a healthy individual- I weigh at exactly the correct pounds for a woman my age and although my height is somewhat lacking, I am in good shape. I’m at a 4.0 GPA and I’m all up to date on all my work and vaccines. I take all my daily food groups and shower twice every week.”

“Autism? Isn’t that… like down syndrome?” Lapis asked, raising a brow as she still stared at me. I wanted to disappear right then and there.

“It is nothing like down syndrome, actually,” I corrected. “It’s a neurological disability that is different from that. Down syndrome is-“

“Alright, alright. Let’s keep this easy,” Greg interrupted before things got serious. I felt uncomfortable. Because god- why did people always have to make it sound like-!

“Sorry, dad. Sorry, Peridot,” Steven again apologized sheepishly. Lapis said nothing, she just scoffed then went back to her work. … Hmph. I don’t know what that was for.

“Have you been down to the pastures yet?” Greg questioned me. “I could also show you around near the chicken coop, we keep our rabbits by there if you’d like to see them.”

I shook my head in response to answer for both times. Part of my body suddenly got happy at the mention of chickens however, since they’re my favorite animal. Next to geese of course, although they bitched with hisses and bit me often when I saw them, they packed a punch and looked cool. Same for chickens, except they provided free eggs or looked radical if they were a rooster. I’ve always dreamt of holding one. I tried before at a petting zoo when I was six, but my mother ended up pulling me away and saying that petting zoos were dirty and never cleaned. I deserved better, as her daughter. More so for her family name more like, my surname. So with that in mind I couldn’t go see any chickens now. It’d only serve to make her angry and I don’t want to deal with more of that right now or ever again if I can help it. No chickens and no petting zoos. Though I’m unsure of if petting a horse falls under that qualification…

“Lapis and I are gonna take Harley and Daisy out later for a walk. They haven’t been taken out for a while,” Steven declared. “After we get our chores done that is.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me,” Greg agreed. 

I somewhat mentally was jealous about their relationship. Why couldn't my mother say anything like that to me ever? Ugh. I don’t know how to feel about this place; the cows, the people, the interactions… I don’t even know how I’d be able to answer questions if anyone asked me about what my day was like. I can answer my favorite food or drink, I just don’t know what to say when someone asks me what my day is like. Because there’s so many different ways a day can go, and everybody has different boundaries of what counts as a good day or a bad day. I’d rather save the hassle and say nothing at all.

“It shouldn’t be much longer until everything is done. The day before the first session, things are long and can be a bit boring,” Greg said as he gestured for me to follow him once more out of the stable. I cast one last look back at Steven and Lapis, my eyes narrowed. “Once all is in order though, things will be smoother.”

“What’s with Tracer?” I asked. “You mentioned that I would be working with her. Elaborate how so. I recall that hooves would make a very difficult obstacle in a working office. They have no grip and no opposable thumbs.”

Greg laughed. “Work as in accompany the therapy,” he explained. “You see kiddo, here we use the horses to help during therapy. Usually we have the kids brush them or feed them, do all sorts of things during the time they’re here. That way they can get both a hands on experience and also feel more comfortable with the therapy, since animals have a natural sense of calm.”

“Hmm… sounds promising,” I thought out loud. “Animals carry a sense of calm… I guess that’s why service animals exist.”

“Have you thought about getting a service animal? I’ve heard that dogs especially make good ones,” Greg said.

“No, I haven’t. My mother would never allow it. She doesn’t even allow a hermit crab. She despises dogs as well, and cats if anything would be the closest to something that she wouldn’t throw out a window for being loud and dirty.”

“Ah, yikes. I’m sorry to hear that,” Greg frowned. “But you won’t need to worry about her while you’re here. What happens here is a chance for you to do something fun and get things off your chest that you normally couldn’t. And unless it’s life threatening or a danger to yourself, I can promise that my wife and I won’t tell anything to anyone that you tell us.”

“How secretive… I like that,” I hummed. A place where I could not only get away from my mother but also say things I want freely without censorship and also get to work with an animal with no office around us? Although the therapy part sounded… iffy for me, I liked the main majority of this. Steven and Lapis seemed like people I could come to stand. It’s just Rose and Greg that I had some suspicions of, though Greg was warming up to me. He seemed like a good guy. A good father that is. Ugh, I’m so jealous… 

But, then again… with all it has to offer and the chance to do something away from my mother… Maybe this place wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	2. Day One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot’s first day. It goes well.

Whew, alright. I could do this. You can do this, Peridot. It’s just the first day, what’s gonna go wrong? It’s not even that hard, it’s easy; all you have to do is answer any questions if they ask any, do what they tell you, basically it’s like being with mom! It’s no different! Well, okay, there would be horses, but other than that it shouldn’t feel any different.

You can do this.

Yeah, I wish I said that before I somehow managed to hit my head as I exited the vehicle. I don’t know, I guess I must’ve rose too early or something because I hit my forehead on the ceiling of the car as I was getting out. It didn’t hurt too bad, it was just a nuisance. Gonna bother me all day but whatever, pah. Dumb car-!

I can do this.

… Can I?

“... I want to go back home now,” I blurted, hiding behind my mother like a scared fawn. “No thank you, I’m better off sitting and staring at political news channels on the television the way brain dead pigeons do.”

“Peridot Oliver Price, you’re being irrational,” my mother scolded me, her scowl enough to kill as she used my full name. I winced, all too familiar with that expression. She was super upset at me now. “You are going and that is _final_.”

“GYAH!” I was taken by surprise, dragged by the collar of my green jacket. I tried to grab the car in retaliation, wanting to stay. “NONONONO-! Mother! Please!” I whined, nervous. Yesterday was _easy_ because I knew my mother would be nearby shall I ever need her assistance. But now that I know a different perspective involving the fact that she’d be gone for a few hours and I’d be stuck here on this farm interrogated and surrounded by horses, I had second thoughts. 

I was plucked off the car rather easy, my fingers no match for the brute force of my mom. For a businesswoman, she sure had some muscles. … No, nevermind, she doesn’t. I’m just super scrawny and tiny. I weigh just a bit over a hundred pounds actually, it's a high metabolism to blame. I’m pretty skinny if I do say so myself. It’s just… sometimes I wish that my hips were smaller. And my breasts. Ugh. Femininity. If only god could take away periods like how he took away my will to be here.

I was half dragged half carried to say the least on over to the pastures. I wished that I was heavier so that my mom would have no choice but to leave me back at the car, but such was fate. I hate it. She wasn’t too happy either; if that already wasn’t obvious. Yeah, no, she was _pissed_. She had that eyebrow jerk and all. That sort of thing. Her nails had also dug into the skin of my shoulder as she hauled me on over, and only then did I also wish that I had thicker skin in physical terms.

I didn’t want to be _abandoned_ here, I don’t care for how long or how short. I don’t do too good by myself for too long. Neither do I do good with people. Horses, maybe, but definitely not cows. Why couldn’t there be a chicken therapy? I would have _gladly_ taken that more openly than horses.

I hesitantly stood up the closer we got to the pastures, sparing myself of any further prosecution. I could see Rose not that far away, brushing a familiar horse who was standing in wait. 

So it begins… I stared for a second until my mother pushed me forward, and I almost stumbled but I managed to catch myself. It wasn’t clean, but it was better than landing and swallowing some dust. Or dirt. Either or sounded gross.

I started walking over to Rose on my own despite my fiercely beating heart. I took the effort to glance behind myself and make a gesture to my mother that meant _are you satisfied?!_ then turned back around and continued on my way, muttering things under my breath. 

Sheesh, I’m going to hate this. I don’t mind the horse, just… Eugh. 

I probably held my breath for a good minute. I’m saying that because I haven’t felt my chest move in a while and either I forgot how to breathe and am now on the verge of dying, or I’m so accustomed to involuntarily breathing that I’ve learned to ignore noticing. But just to be sure, I inhaled, then exhaled.

Rose noticed me. She turned, letting Tracer graze on some nearby grass as she pulled the brush away. I gave one last look to my mom, who… was already gone. Snap, just like that. Serves me right for thinking that she was in any way there for me… She’s a busy woman though, I get that. She can’t always be available for me. There’s opportunity costs and all that.

“Peridot?” Rose said. “Have you worked with horses before?”

“Uh… no,” I answered honestly. “I’ve never worked with anything smaller than a goldfish.” Sometimes people would come into my mother’s business office with service dogs though. But as much as I wanted to, I wasn’t allowed to ever interact with them. It was just etiquette and as per my mother and her orders.

“Would you like to learn?”

“Is it hard?”

Rose chuckled. “Not at all. It’s good practice for warming up to her before we can move onto riding.”

“... Riding,” I echoed. “I… am gonna be…- me? On that horse?”

“Of course.”

I looked at Tracer. That horse was TALL. I am TINY. That horse can CRUSH me. I’m gonna die. “Oh. My god,” I blurted, still eyeing Tracer.

Rose laughed. “Don’t fret. You won’t be forced into something that you don’t feel comfortable with yet.”

I awkwardly cleared my throat, eased by the statement. “Ah… sure, I can learn.” Might as well if she was being serious about me being on this… huge ass horse one day. “Where do I begin?”

Rose handed the brush to me. I was confused. “Brush among the side here in the direction of her fur,” she explained as she physically pointed out what she was talking about with Tracer. I studied very carefully. “You don’t need to press too hard, dear. Just some light brushing, and it should do the trick of getting the dirt off.”

“Is this a daily chore?” I questioned.

“Mhm.” Rose nodded. “We always do our best to keep our animals healthy and clean. I can’t bear seeing sick animals or malnourished ones. It makes my heart ache for them.”

“I see…” I gave it a shot of trying the brush out, making sure to also keep in mind what Rose had told me. I guess I was doing a good job because Tracer didn’t start a fuss and Rose didn’t say anything.

“You’re a natural,” Rose commented. “Yes, just like that. Afterwards, you can brush her mane if you’d like.”

“Is this vital everyday?”

“Yes. Most days after riding and before riding especially.”

“Wow.” I scrunched up my face. I gave a few more strokes of the brush, then I stopped. “Am I good now?” I was honestly bored. Why am I doing chores? How is this working with the horse…-?

“I would say that’s good, yes,” Rose gently patted Tracer’s rump. “She’s a pretty girl, isn’t she? They’re such beautiful creatures.” She moved forward to pet Tracer’s neck.

Chickens are better. Just saying. I scoffed, handing the brush back. “Now the mane?”

“Exactly,” Rose confirmed. “You’re a fast learner, Peridot.” Yeah it was called listening and watching. Rose leaned down and picked up a red bucket nearby that was full of some other objects. She exchanged the brush for a hairbrush, and handed it to me. “This should be easier. It’s just like combing hair,” she said as I started brushing. “Tangles are easier to remove if you work from down up. While you do that,” she began to walk away with the bucket, seemingly looking for someone, “Lapis! Can you come here a minute?!”

Lapis? The antisocial one? The one who said I had Down syndrome? Gah, I hate her. I want to kick her. Not too hard though, just a little… agh! Down syndrome… pfft. Autism, pfft. I’m fine, I’m just a little ‘difficult’ as my mother says.

And when the blue-haired girl soon came walking down to the pasture, I caught myself scowling at her. Why her? Why not Steven? That’s his name right? Yeah. At least I got along well with him. I wanna go home now. She was wearing this like… Nirvana shirt and long black pants. She looked like Hot Topic. I don’t even know what she’s doing with her hair, it’s messy like the first time I saw her. Huh.

“Yeah?” Lapis stopped when she saw me. “... Her first day?”

“Yes, she’s grooming Tracer at the moment,” Rose replied. 

“I see…” Lapis shot a glare over at me, and it made me flinch. I went around Tracer from the front side, doing my best to avoid her gaze. What was her problem?!?

“Can you go over and supervise her?” Rose asked. “It shouldn’t be long, I’m putting these away and then I’m going to check on Lion real quick. Greg brought him home from his vet appointment.”

“Poor guy…” Lapis murmured. “Steven says he hasn’t moved in a while now.” She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “Alright. Yeah. I’ll watch her.”

I hate this so much oh my god. I watched in horror as Rose disappeared, and Lapis came closer. Shitshitshitshit-! I ducked my head, pretending that I didn’t see her.

“... You’re doing it wrong,” Lapis spoke up. I couldn’t feel my heartbeat. Then someone touched my hand and I freaked out. I whacked my hand back, the brush sent flying as my hand made contact. “OW! What the fuck-!?”

Oops. By the sound of that, I hit her. Oooohhhh god. Why me?! WHY ME?! I spun around, immediately sputtering apologies when I saw who had touched me. “S-sorry! Sorry sorry-! I’m so sorry-“

“Give a warning next time,” Lapis hissed, holding her nose.

Tracer whinnied in the midst of the chaos.

“Well-! Then- then don’t do that next time!” I scolded. “I’m sensitive!”

“I’m helping you-!”

“Then tell me what I’m doing wrong! What are you doing here anyway, do you have appointments too?!” I hastily scooped the hairbrush out of the dirt, pointing it at her.

“No! I fucking live here!” Lapis growled back. She removed her hand from her face, revealing her nose which was red from the hit she took. She pushed away the brush.

“You… live here?” I gave a suspicious stare, putting the brush down.

“Yes!”

“You don’t seem like you’d be one of Rose or Greg’s children.”

“I’m adopted.”

“Oh…” I felt extremely awkward. Rose, PLEASE come back and save me from this.

“Tch. No wonder you’re here,” Lapis spat bitterly. Instantly, I remembered her words before about me, and when I put two and two together, it made sense that she said that out of _intention_ to in other words say that I belonged here because I had problems. I was _problematic._

That was it. That was so it. I wasn’t even thinking- I just lunged at her. I was so mad and so fed up with this. It wasn’t my fault! She was the one that touched me and aggravated me, I said that I was sorry! I did my proper interaction for today and I did everything someone should! I offered to help too! So why didn’t she respond the way she was supposed to by saying it’s okay?!

Lapis caught me, and we landed on the ground in a huff of dust. She held me by my arms, which caused me to start thrashing about trying to kick her off or anything at this point. She started it! I didn’t do anything!!

“Let go!!” I yelled, trying to free myself with no avail. Lapis rolled over, pinning me down onto the ground. My pants were covered in dirt. “CLOD!”

Tracer neighed loudly, stepping away from the skirmish.

“You’re going to get me in trouble,” Lapis deadpanned. She kept me down, until I managed to kick her knee. She winced, pulling back and stepping away from me. I stuck my tongue out at her. Haha, free at last!!

“I’m FREE!” I announced proudly, getting to my feet as quick as I could. “HAH! You can’t keep me trapped for long!”

Then Lapis grabbed my hair. I _screamed._ It wasn’t even hurting me, I was just being dramatic. Plus the surprise element played a factor here, okay? And it wasn’t just a grab either, she tugged me. She was playing _unfairly._ I hate her, case closed.

“Oh, goodness… what’s going on here?” Rose’s soft voice finally had returned as she came dashing on over to us. Her curly hair bounced upon her shoulders as she bounded over to split us up.

“SHE!” I pointed at Lapis, who had let go of me.

Lapis rolled her eyes. “Rose-“

Rose came over to help me stand more straight, even dusting off some dirt that I had got on myself in the scuffle. She gave Lapis this look of… sorrow. Sadness. Her pink lips were twisted in a frown. I got a bit worried, wondering what was going on now. Was I in trouble?! But I didn’t do anything! This first day here was starting off obscene. I wished I stayed in the car. I don’t wanna be here surrounded by horses and hair eating cows.

“Lapis, thank you,” Rose began. “I can take it again from here.” She finished brushing the dirt off me. Then she gestured to a small house in the distance just past the barn. “You might want to go see Steven.”

“Steven…?” Lapis went from furious to equally depressed rather fast. She didn’t even cast another putrid look at me. She just held her head before she ran off, heading for the house that Rose pointed out.

“What’s going on?” I wondered out loud.

“It’s Lion. He’s our farm cat around here,” Rose said. “He hasn’t been feeling too well lately, and it’s just today we got some news that he might not make it.”

“... Oh.” I stared at the ground. “I… I’m sorry to hear that.” I honestly don’t know what to say. All I know is that Lapis sucks. .. Hah. Sucks. SUCKS ON-.

“Thank you for your condolences,” Rose said. “I know it’s a rather odd timing, given your current appointment, but I don’t like leaving people in the dark.” Something about her words gave me unease. Was it because of how sad she sounded? Or something else…? I watched her nonetheless as she calmed down Tracer, retrieving the hairbrush for her and finishing what I had started as she detangled the mane of the equine. “We’ll continue from where we were. Due to the circumstances, and with it being only your first week, I won’t pressure you or ask you any personal questions just yet. I want you to feel comfortable and get to know this place and the animals a bit more. That being said, now that Tracer is groomed, I’d like to take you to the stables and personally show you all the tack and saddles. That way, you can be prepared for tomorrow. Is that alright?”

I nodded. Even if her voice sort of made me feel like I was being talked to like an infant incapable of speech, she spoke in elaborate detail and that made me feel satisfied knowing what was to come or what was going on. “And as for tomorrow?” I asked, knowing each day I would spend only about four hours max here.

“Tomorrow we can get you actually on a horse if you’d like,” Rose smiled. “Unless you’d prefer to start with baby steps.”

“Baby steps might be more forgiving…” I stated, thinking back on how tall Tracer was. It sounded reasonable too. I could gradually adjust. “I like that idea. Yes, let’s go with that.” Maybe soon I might also get used to being away from my mother like this on my scheduled days. Only problem was… Lapis being a jerk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Man I had fun with this.  
> Fun fact! Lapis is based off this girl who I saw often at the equine therapy place I went to; we never talked, but one time I turned around while I was grooming my horse and accidentally hit her SMACK in the face. So that inspired... this.  
> She was pissed at me, less be said.
> 
> I also don’t remember much from my own first day of attending besides like... just being shown how to groom a horse and around the place. Not much excitement yet pfft


	3. Day Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot’s second day. She encounters internal conflict.
> 
> Possible CW for self denial and or hints of ableism (?)

Saddle, stirrup, reins, bit, bridle, halter… I’m pretty sure I got the majority down. I even had to go online once I was home yesterday to double check on a few things to be safe. But for the majority I felt pretty positive on my knowledge of horse tack. Rose showed me bits and pieces yesterday. We agreed on the baby step approach when it came to riding the horses, so although I was shown some of the tack, it would be gradual work up to actually ride one. I don’t care if it was Tracer or not that I’d be on the back of- I don’t trust big animals that easily. It’s why chickens are the best you see, because they’re nice and small, provide eggs, and make the most adorable faces.

… Did I just use adorable?

Oh god, it’s Rose rubbing on me. Oh eugh. I could stand cute, but adorable? Hah! No, let’s back up a little. Chickens have  _ cute  _ faces. There! Much better.

I don’t exactly know how I feel about the approach of day two at the farm. Yesterday was fine- if it wasn’t for Lapis. I feel like perhaps the unfortunate unseen event of their farm cat being in peril threw things off. If Lion was healthy, Lapis wouldn’t have picked on me. Maybe I could see if there’s any kind of medicine that I can research to help the cat out… But first I would need to know exactly what was wrong with the cat beforehand so to not cause further distress or deliver the wrong dose. I don’t know how I’m going to accomplish that either, given I don’t want to come off as a nuisance and straight up ask.

I blankly stared at the empty document in front of me, nothing coming to mind. I was primarily daydreaming, so I wasn’t focused one bit on my essay I was supposed to be writing for my mom. I asked if I could just use my tape recorder and she said no. She wanted me to write this… elaborate record thing regarding my attendance at the farm as some sort of written tracking of my experiences and whatever; my mood, if I ate anything, what I did, blah blah blah boring stuff. She believes that she can crack the case of fixing me if she got proof or an idea of what to work off of. If it was a certain food, take it out of my diet. If it was a certain activity, cut it off, you get the idea. Yeah, she’s pretty obsessed with wanting to have me back to normal. I don’t even know if I ever was normal honestly. Ever since I could remember, I loved things one after another and enjoyed conversation with them. I still do- my current fixation is with chickens if it wasn’t obvious. Before that it was Night in the Woods, and before that it was Pokémon, before that it was… uhhhh… I forgot. No, wait, my current fixation is the greatest show on earth. I’m talking about Camp Pining Hearts. I don’t care if you like Paulette, she is the WORST. I cannot begin to start with how and why she’s the worst camper, and her FORCED relationship with my PERCY is the W O R S T.

I wrote fan fiction once. … Okay, sometimes I still do. I wrote one about Percy and Pierre before in like… sixth grade. It was pretty gay. I chickened out with it though- I kind of have an issue of putting too many caps and too much kissing. I hate kissing. So why am I putting kissing in my works of fiction? I don’t know, you ask me.

Gah, maybe it’s just because I like gay. Maybe I am gay. No I’m definitely gay. Am I? I like Pierre, I like Percy, I like Andrew Farcis who plays Percy. I think he’s cute. Hah I didn’t say adorable! I don’t know, girls are kind of… cute I guess… Adorable… AUGH! I DID IT AGAIN!!!

Peridot, you need to stop it. I’m gonna go hit my hand on a door if I don’t stop it. No more of that word! Got it? Yes, I do. 

… Wait, what am I doing again?

Oh yeah. The record.

It’s still blank.

Ohhh boy.

Um.

Crap. Make some stuff up. But you have to be honest or she is going to be super upset at you and you KNOW what she’s like! Peridot, get yourself together. It’s easy, formulate an equation and use it in repetition. 

First day. My heart rate was normal, if you leave out Lapis attacking me. Rose showed me horse tack and how to attach a saddle. I didn’t eat anything because it wasn’t lunch or dinner time yet, and I honestly just wasn’t hungry anyway. 

… Should I leave out mentioning Lapis? Especially her trying to kill me? My mother might get suspicious or overreact…

Yeah. Let’s do that.

Begin again; My heart rate was normal. I didn’t eat anything. Rose showed me horse tack and how to attach a saddle onto a horse. I am taking baby steps, and will soon be working with the nicest horse there named Tracer once I work up to it. Pretty much covers everything.

… She can see edits I made on this doc, right?

Restart. Make a new one. Then share that one with her. Don’t mention Lapis or Steven, anyone like that.

… Down syndrome… autism… pah.

I’m fine.

Eugh. I have to go back later today.

But first, I’m going to watch that episode where Percy goes hiking WITHOUT Paulette. Lunch should be either roast beef or pork, depending on what my mother is in the mood for, topped with a Caesar salad and some French bread. I could come back to this record later before I leave for my next appointment. It sounds reasonable.

* * *

I could say that the second day went smoother than yesterday. It’s less stressful, nobody is attacking me this time around. And since I agreed on doing small steps first, Rose simply helped me remember the tack pieces and what they do or how to put it together on a horse. We used this small gray pony named Edmond for reference. He liked to chew on the bottom of my jacket. So I don’t like him.

But here’s the thing. Rose started talking to me, and not in a casual sort of way. But as in she started asking me  _ questions.  _ Questions people usually don’t ask me on a daily basis. I was caught off guard by it.

“So Peridot, what grade are you in?” She asked me as Edmond stood still, allowing me to put the saddle on him on my own.

“Junior year,” I answered without much care, Edmond trying to nibble my jacket again. Shouldn’t she already know this? I growled at the pony. “Hey-!” 

Rose scratched underneath the pony’s chin, and he turned his attention to an apple that she had in her hand. I could be thankful for that distraction. What’s with animals eating my hair or clothing honestly? It’s absurd. It’s annoying. It’s  _ unbearable.  _ What _ clods.  _ “How is that going?” She asked me.

“Good,” I said. “I have an excellent GPA. My physics teacher says that I’m the only student at the school to have gotten all my science credits so early. I got them all two years ago in fact, but I like the extra credits.” I didn’t want to tell her that I actually liked the classes.

“That’s wonderful.”

“Yeah.” I finished attaching the saddle, then gave a prideful smile. I even puffed out my chest, pointing at Edmond. “Tada!!”

The saddle slid off.

I frowned, frustrated at myself.

Rose seemed amused. Well, by the tone of her laugh anyway. I just felt embarrassed. Now I had to restart everything. Where did I even go wrong?! I did everything JUST as she showed me! So how did I even-?!

“You have to tighten it as well,” Rose mentioned like she could read my mind. I clenched my head with both of my hands, just in case she could see into my brain. I don’t want her looking in there. Or anyone actually.

Pfft, I should’ve known DUH to tighten the saddle once I’m done. Why am I so dumb? The blanket was on and the saddle had no wrinkles… just like Rose said…

“Here, I’ll help you with the girth straps. Also be sure to use the billets-“ Rose started, and I stared with intense dedication, wanting to be sure that I never messed up again as she showed me the correct way of attaching the tack after I stepped aside.

Maybe this was why my mother sent me here. Maybe she knew that I was a screw up. I mean, come on, my birth may as well be a mistake too. Who’d ever want a kid who can’t even recall American history correctly, but can solve a science problem in less than two seconds? Or a kid who likes to eat ham? I don’t know, I’ve met lots of people who hate ham. And roast beef. I know I just ate a while ago at home, but now I’m hungry…

No, don’t eat anything. It’s easier to monitor your records that way. Plus, that way, mother can more accurately watch my diet and be sure of what was causing problems, have it removed, and I be fixed.

Fixed…

I don’t have anything wrong with me though. I don’t have autism. I don’t have Down syndrome. Lapis was just being a clod about it. So how come I come here if there isn’t anything wrong with me? This place is for people with issues, right? So why am I here?

“Peridot?” Rose spoke. I paused, realizing that I was rubbing my hair rather intensely with one of my hands, my blonde hair sliding through my fingers. I stopped. Then my hand just started to shake, swinging side to side as my wrist stayed stationary. I quickly put it down at my side, once again embarrassed about my own actions. Rose seemed to notice, giving me a look that I could decipher to be her taking a mental note. I wanted to die right then and there. She  _ noticed  _ that!

“Yeah?” I finally managed to get out past my throat, which felt like it was being constrained by a snake.

“Would you like to try again?” She questioned.

“Uh… sure,” I nodded, although I only had been paying attention for half of the demonstration. “Can you… go over it again?”

“Of course.” Rose took off the saddle, starting again from where I was having trouble.

Lapis didn’t pop up this time. I did see Steven however when I left the stables. He was leading along Tracer to the pastures, which I found to be slightly funny because he was so small yet big Tracer followed him so obediently and didn’t even fight back against him.

So, to put it blunt, this day went better. I learned my mistake, even if I still hate myself for it, and I met another creature who wanted to eat something I owned. This one being Edmond. Pudgy little Edmond.

But I’m terrified of what Rose thought of me back there with Edmond. 

I know that I’ve been notified that no secrets or anything would be spilled to my mother or passed onto her like passenger pigeon and a world war paper note. But… I had doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I never realized how much I forgot or remembered about horses from my time at the center until now pfft
> 
> May add illustrations once I figure out how to.


	4. Week One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first week, summarized.
> 
> TW/CW; ableism, allude of abuse/misuse of medication, uneducation of mental illness
> 
> these tags oml it’s gonna get worseeee just wait 😅

I could start with a million ways to describe this week thus far;

I could begin with Rose asking some more questions, mainly ones about like… I have no idea, things such as my favorite food or restaurant, simple dumb stuff that didn’t make any sense in context of WHY she would even ask me them in the first place. She mentioned it was to get to know me a little, and she shared with me a few things about herself too. 

Rose is a farmer, simple as that. DUH. She has been married to Greg for over sixteen years, Steven is their fourteen year old son, Lapis is… adopted, and… Rose likes to eat pancakes.

I’m not really sure who in their right mind would adopt someone like Lapis. She is a CLOD. A stuck up washed up Hot Topic reject who looked like she came right out of the Emoji Movie. LUCKILY I had the chance to never run into her again during the duration of this first week, and I enjoyed that. I want to stay miles away from her.

I’m up to date on my document. I’m pretty descriptive with my reports too, so that way she has all the information she needs and yada yada I’m sure I did an excellent job. Besides, I need to do it or I get grounded. My mother is strict with her orders, and I follow them because it’s easier than denying them or fighting back. I go with the flow, baby. I’m the flow master. Trust me!

I scrolled through the internet, waiting for a pirated version of Camp Pining Hearts to finish downloading so that I could watch it- more like use it as background noise as I finish adding to the document. I have everything organized by date and by category. For example, anything horse related has its own little box, and something else like if I ate anything that day even at home is in another little box. Cute little boxes, snuggling altogether. Aww… ew, am I coong over boxes? GYAH! Yuck!

This week so far has been… okay. My mother is paying about seventy five each session, so I know for a fact she’s loaded if she’s sending me here often and doesn’t care about blowing off billions. She’s been like this ever since I was young though. There was one time she blew off hundreds because one doctor said that he had the medication that would help stop my… okay, I have this habit of rocking. I rock when I’m alone mostly, I don’t know why, I just… do. I used to do it a lot more often as a kid though and my mom didn’t like it; so she sought for help. She didn’t get much, but she found this certain pill that someone sold her that helped me. 

… Kind of.

It caused me seizures, so I had to take seizure medication too. I was on a LOT of medications as a kid. I used to be allergic to peanut butter- I mean, I still am, but it was HORRIBLE as a kid. I would sniff peanut butter and I would have an attack then boop, the pen thing. I hate the pen thing. I also hate wearing glasses or contacts and whatever. I hate Paulette too. She’s the worst.

Once the download finished, I got to watching. I wrapped up what I had on my document, adding chips to the list as I grabbed a bag and plopped myself down to enjoy my show.

Camp Pining Hearts is ending soon. The final season is like… next week. I’m gonna miss it but… really I would rather have it end as a legacy rather than have it keep going and end up like the Simpsons.

I buckled up for the ride, metaphorically of course, gushing over how things were coming together from the last few episodes. Percy is in for a treat. I’ve read somewhere that it's a human condition to never be satisfied with what you have. And I think that can apply to me in the sense of THESE CHIPS BEING SO STALE ALREADY. AGH!

* * *

  
  


“You ate chips. Again,” my mother sighed with disappointment, reading over the document that I had prepped for her.

“It’s not just chips!” I whined. “It’s cool ranch-“

“I don’t care what they are.” My mother continued to browse my document, and I fell silent to wait and see what she had to say next. “You seem to be awfully close to horses.”

“Well- it is… an equine therapy center,” I reminded. That’s literally what she signed me up for. Don’t look at me, I didn’t want this!

“Mm. And if you let your head go soft from it, it’s gonna be mush. You’ll be as dumb as a pigeon.”

“Pigeons are actually-“

“Peridot.”

“... Oh. Sorry.” I clicked my shoes together, waiting for her to give the green light. Saturday afternoon, and I was waiting to go to hell- I mean… you know what I mean. I’d rather stay inside and play video games or something. I hear that Life is Strange makes a good sit back and enjoy kind of game with good music… “Hey, therapy is for like… messed up people right?” I unbuckled myself, leaning over a little towards my mother.

“Precisely,” my mom nodded. 

“So why am I going here?”

“To heal you; I’ve told you this before.”

“Yeah, but… what am I gonna be healed of? I know on the paper you put a few things or two that I couldn’t see, but I think that it would be beneficial and super helpful for me to know-“

“It doesn’t matter,” my mother chuckled, putting my document away. Printed neatly and full of information, that sure was going to be in her file cabinet. “What matters is that at last you will be normal, and I’ll be more than pleased.”

Normal? I already AM normal. I’m pretty sure of it, she had me do lots of different methods of curing my “diseases” to make sure I was normal. I felt pretty normal too. Surely I would know if something was amiss. I know myself better than anyone.

I don’t know though, she could just be taking precautions and making sure that I was normal with this therapy thing. Oh! Maybe it’s a trial! And if I pass it, I could get something! A treat, Pavlov and his dogs! Mom, I hope you know that I LOOOOOVE mint-.

My mother unlocked the door, and waited for me to leave. “One day this autism of yours will go away…” she muttered under her breath.

I flinched as I got out of the vehicle. There it was, that word! Autism. Pah, she was just having a fit over my wonderful handiwork of a document report. I could tell. … Okay, maybe.

I gritted my teeth, bounding across the field down on over to the stables. My mom drove off quickly like she always does, and I’ve learned to accept my fate of coming here despite not liking it much. It’s just not my interest? Is that how to put it? Horses are fine, but I would rather be doing something I enjoy…

I can’t complain though, it’d be messier if I kept fighting with my mom on it. Flow, remember! FLOW! Gotta go with the-!

“AAA!” I sharply tensed up, taking a moment to process that a hand was on my shoulder. Oh. I was standing just outside the stable, and Rose had been the one to put a hand on my shoulder. She’d seen me and decided to come over I suppose. Peridot, you gotta watch the flow AND your surroundings. Awkwardly, I cleared my throat, assuring Rose who looked concerned with my reaction. “Hi! H- hi; I… I was just dropped off here.”

Amazing. Perfect interaction. Wow.

Rose smiled. “I understand,” she nodded. “You didn’t move when I called your name, so I thought I’d come check on you.”

I was standing there for a while?

Holy shit…

No wonder my mom sent me here, that’s… WOW. I started laughing at myself. “Nonono, really, I’m fine. I’m fine,” I repeated. “Just a little spooked is all. Now, what’s today? I’ve memorized the bridle, the saddle-“

“Peridot-“

“- the stirrups and the bit-“

Rose gently touched my shoulder again. I paused, looking up at her. “Peridot, we won’t be working with horses today.”

“We.. aren't?” I cocked a brow.

“Well, if you want to, we can. But you’re also more than welcome to join us for Fun Saturday.”

“Fun Saturday.”

“Mhm.” Rose seemed overjoyed. “It’s a session where you can meet others in the program, and just have some fun. There’s a few board games and card games if you’re into those, or you can just roam the farm as long as you have someone watching you.”

I squinted. “... For real?”

“For real,” Rose confirmed.

I thought about it. Well, pro would be no horses, no worries, no questions… Cons? Socializing, I- I didn’t even know there was other people that also came here. Did they know about this too? Obviously if they’re here but- Huh. That’s so… weird.

“Would you like to give it a go? You absolutely do not have to. But it is fun, I promise you.” Rose gestured towards one of the bigger barns down the road on the property. That was the cow barn, wasn’t it? No, that was the storage one! I remember specifically that one because that’s where I last had my tape recorder before my mom took it away once we got home back before the official therapy days started.

Should I join in…-?

Hm... fun... what is fun? In their definition anyway...

“Um.. is it recommended?” I didn’t mind either way- but I did have a preference for whatever didn’t involve so much work. Unless the games were boring or if nobody wanted to approach me, then….I guess horses will do.

“Usually we have those be nervous on the first or second week. But I have not heard yet one regret of attending,” Rose said.

I thought some more.

Then, I nodded. Eh, what the heck, huh? I might as well. And if I don’t like it? Then back to the horses it is. Anything to survive these hours really. I wish I was at home… eating my favorite chips and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // The “Fun Saturday” concept is based on a Fun Friday thing one of my last therapy places (not horse) had for some reason...? I’m still not exactly sure pfft. You’ll see what it’s like in the next chapter.


	5. Week One - Fun Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot dips her toes into Fun Saturday, and meets new faces.

Let’s get one thing straight. 

My… social interaction capabilities aren’t exactly professional. Nor are they on par to say a businesswoman who can easily make anyone buy her products with just five minutes of their time, they’re more of if you took a mongoose and asked it to sing. Mongoose are weird animals. They’re ferret looking things right? If it wasn’t for fifth grade making us read some story about cobras and a mongoose, I wouldn’t even know what a mongoose is! They’re inferior next to chickens, and that is a fact. Horses even are inferior to chickens. Sure, I eat chicken, but that isn’t the same as actually MEETING a chicken, a living and breathing one. I would ask it questions like-.

“... Who’s that?”

That is a super unfamiliar voice that I don’t know the owner to. I was surprised, Rose wasn’t kidding when she meant other people.

Other… people.

I’ve never had many friends growing up. Or, ever honestly. My mother says that it’s tedious to waste my time on people who would only influence me to do bad things like drinking or smoking, and other people would only be a distraction in my life. I needed to be focused on my work and my goals- I didn’t need anything to throw me off the curve in a metaphorical sense. I have to stay on course! Stay with the flow! 

I was nervous as Rose brought me inside further, trying to coax me closer to everyone in the large barn. About three other people were seated down on the hay floor, and Steven and… Lapis was there with them. I only needed to see Lapis to call it quits. I tried to turn away, but Rose began to speak so I did this awkward stop. I held my arms, staring at the ground. I wanted to disappear. My face was heating up and my heart rate was accelerating. I should’ve said no.

“Everyone, this is Peridot,” Rose introduced me. “Please, be kind to her. This will be her first Fun Saturday.” She sounded joyous and calm as always, bearing the softest voice ever, but I still wasn’t fazed. No matter if it was the queen of England who introduced me, I would still feel so…-! Ugh, there’s not a word to describe it. It’s like… Gah- it’s the feeling of regretting what you chose or said but you don’t want to be rude or you don’t know what to say or how to speak up for yourself so all you do is stand there quietly. I could’ve been fine, I guess- if it wasn’t for Lapis being there. I didn’t want to be reminded about any stupid Down syndrome or autism or whatever. I’m ME. And I DO NOT have anything up with me. Why can’t anyone see that?! Such… clods…

I could go for a smoothie right now. Some takis… a bit of television and a warm blanket… It’s not always the food that I am interested in, no, but more of an environment that I was already savvy with. Something comfortable, familiar, warm and cozy. Some place that I knew I was safe, a place that was my home away from everything! I didn’t have to worry about how I looked or what I sounded like, nor even how I would react! It was my own perfect little world...

I did not… want to socialize as compared to that dream. But sadly, I might have to. And it might be good for me! I- I don’t know for sure, actually. Things like this? They’re still all too new for me. On my own too might I add. My mother usually does the introductions and talking for me in business meetings- I’m hardly taken along anyway unless it’s for good future reference as long as I am quiet.

“Hey! Sup, I’m Amethyst, I’m a junior,” The voice from before introduced themselves. A short girl roughly my height with pale hair that went down to her ankles stood up, approaching us from the circle. “Man, do you use any hair gel? That looks sick,” she grinned.

“Sick…?” I echoed. I reached up towards my hair, patting it down. Hair can’t be sick. That’s dumb. It’s not even a living being with emotions! 

“Yeah, sick. Does it naturally perk up like that or do you use something?”

“Uhh…” I glanced at Rose for help. “I use shampoo and conditioner individually. Shampoo first of course.” Maybe this girl just wanted to know my routine so that she too could have gorgeous hair. I’m happy to say I helped if that was the case.

“Huh. Okay. And you’re Peridot?” Amethyst asked. Wait, she didn’t want my routine-?

“Yes, her name is Peridot,” Rose confirmed, jumping in due to having noticed my silent call for help. “She has the late afternoons most days. We tend to work with Edmond.”

“Edmond’s a good guy, good choice,” Amethyst commented. “Good ole’ little Edmond… Hey! Peridot, you should come join us!” She lit up immediately, going back to the circle. It was kind of scary.

“What…-?” I said.

“Oh! Yes, join us!” Another girl from the circle clapped her hands together. She was super pale, and she had her ivory hair tied into two buns. One of her eyes had a red patch over it, embroidered with flower patterns. Her skin was so… white, that I thought that I was staring at a ghost. Her remaining eye was quite the sight too. It was a sort of purple-reddish? Whatever you’d call that color. She was definitely different than most other humans I have met before. Perhaps she has a condition? Certain genetic traits? Chromosome-?

“Hey, mom!” Steven beamed, giving a wave.

Rose chuckled. “Hello, Steven,” she waved back.

“We’re playing Never Have I Ever!” Steven explained. “Last time, Monopoly didn’t go so well.”

“Damn right it didn’t!” Amethyst huffed. “Blue kept taking all my properties!”

“Amethyst, language, please,” Rose said. “Steven is around,” she cleared her throat quietly.

Amethyst blushed. “Oh- oops. Sorry, Rose. I’ll keep it PG.”

“Is everyone doing good here?” Rose questioned. “I was hoping to squeeze Peridot in and show her some of the inner works of our program when it comes to just being able to have fun and express yourself sometimes. Think one of you can take her under your wing for today?”

“You can count on us to make her first Fun Saturday a blast,” Amethyst finger-gunned.

I frowned. I still felt… kind of nervous.

“Thank you. Do be sure to make sure she feels welcome- and if there’s any issues, just give a call. I’ll be washing the horses so they will be ready to work next week,” Rose assured. “Greg will be helping me, so you’ll know where to find me.”  
  
“Got it,” Amethyst gave a thumbs up. Lapis did the same. The two other girls in the circle simply nodded. 

“I’ll see you later, mom!” Steven waved again, this time for goodbye. “Aw, I really wanna wash the horses… but I like playing with you guys.”  
  
“Rose seems pretty chill about a new girl,” Amethyst hummed. “Ooh- remember my first Fun Saturday? Ugh, that feels like aaaages ago!” 

“I can’t wait for Painting Monday,” a girl with dark brown hair over her face giggled. “That’s my favorite.”  
  
“I’d love to see another of your works,” the oddly pale girl beside her gasped. “The swan you painted last month was gorgeous.”   
  
“It was! You do the best paintings, Blue,” Amethyst complimented. “What’s gonna be this month?”   
  
“Mm… I was thinking coyotes,” Blue said.

“Coyotes?” the pale girl gave a dumbfounded glance.

“Yes. Coyotes… and some clouds or mists,” Blue continued.

“Sounds great,” Lapis chimed in. I cringed at her voice.

“I love it! Even if coyotes keep trying to eat our chickens, you always make the coolest stuff!” Steven announced.

I stayed where I was, kind of just… ignoring everything. Or starting to, anyway. I don’t know how to make the first move with making friends. And everyone here already seemed to be doing good anyway so why should I throw off that vibe? Vibe… I think that’s what it is. Gah… I should’ve said no.

“Are we gonna get back to the game or what?” Amethyst sighed. “Yo! New girl! Peridot! Come here!”

“Good idea!” Steven encouraged. “Peridot, you should play too! It’s super fun. We learn neat things about each other!”  
  
I rubbed my arms, unsurely. Then, someone came and pushed me toward the circle. It was Amethyst. I was learning that she had LOTS of energy that she could let out. Or she just was an extreme extrovert who was afraid of nothing. I wish I could relate.

“Here- and you can meet Blue and Volley too!” Amethyst seated me into the circle. She pointed to the two other girls, starting with the one who had been excited about painting. “That’s Blue, her real name is Sarafina, but we call her Blue because of the palettes she likes to use when she paints.”  
  
“... Anxiety,” Blue raised her hand, shyly. “And trichotillomania.”

“And that’s Volley, she isn’t comfortable sharing her real name yet, so we call her Volley because she’s a pro at it,” Amethyst went on with introducing me to these girls. “She’s here for abuse recovery. I’m here for self-esteem issues and depression, aaaaand I believe that about covers it. I got the weekdays in the mornings. Edmond’s my favorite guy to work with too.” Wow. Were they usually this open about why they were coming to this place? If so, then how come I don’t exactly know why I’m here? How do they know?  
  
“Should we continue?” Volley implored. 

“Yeah! I’ll start it off this time,” Steven volunteered. “Did you play this before, Peridot? I say something, and if you did it before, you put one finger down. Like this!” He gave a silly little demonstration, not even waiting for me to respond before he showed me how to play. It looked easy enough. I failed to see much of the point to such a game besides possibly getting information about what kind of people we are by the sounds of it, but…

I’ll try it. I just hope Lapis isn’t too big a role in this. I sat up on my knees, then held up a hand.

“Never have I ever… eaten tuna,” Steven started the game. 

Blue put a finger down, and so did Amethyst and Lapis. Tuna… tuna… yes! I’ve eaten that before, so I’ll put a finger down as well! I don’t know how to win this game, but haha, I am one step further than Steven and Volley! I straightened my shoulders, my posture tensing up in a positive way as pride flooded over me. I felt like I was doing good. I was socializing! I was successfully fitting in with a crowd from society, people who weren’t businessmen or businesswomen even! My mother would go livid if she found out that I was unattended running freely with the kind of people that she would call wolves. I felt kind of… alive? This wasn’t even an intense game!

“You can go next, Blue,” Steven kindly offered. 

Blue blushed. “Alright. Never have I ever… drank coffee,” she said.

Amethyst, Lapis, and Volley put a finger down. I also put a finger down. I’ve taken some caffeine shots before with my mom. It’s my mom’s favorite kind of drink too, she lives on coffee like it’s a drug!

“I’ll go next,” Amethyst boldly volunteered without skipping a beat. “Never have I ever kissed anyone,” she laughed.

“Wait-” Volley snorted.

“We can’t talk about kissing! I’m not old enough to talk about kissing!” Steven whined.

Kissing? I’ve never kissed anybody. At all. I”ve read fanfiction about kissing, but never actually did such a deed. It’s more appealing in fiction than it is in real life.

“Kissing is pretty tame compared to what else I could say!” Amethyst fell over, crackling up like a hyena. 

“This got exciting,” Blue murmured. I believe that it had some sarcasm…?

Nobody put a finger down. My fingers stayed how they were too.

Then, I noticed Lapis. She didn’t say anything. But she did put a finger down. I felt like I was swallowing glass- and it’s not like the phase that I had back in fifth grade about being edgy.

Amethyst lost it, catching the detail a moment later. “WhaaAAAT? WHO? Who was it, Laps?!” She grinned with glee. Blue and Volley also stared at Lapis.

“Lalalala-! I don’t hear anything!” Steven covered his ears. I copied him. I… don’t know why I did exactly. Everything started to get… loud. There was suddenly a lot going on. I held my hands where they were until I forced myself to set them down on the ground, staring intensely at everyone in the circle as the scene unfolded all around me. It was just the surge of thrill, surely. I hadn’t been in anything like this before, so I was still trying to adjust. I didn’t even say or do much, just played along. I believe that I was doing pretty good. And just so that I could further fit in, I decided to start chuckling too. 

“What, did you kiss anyone before, Peridot?” Amethyst snickered.

“No! Not at all!” I admitted.

“I’m kind of curious…” Blue said. “Who was it, Lapis?”

I frowned, wanting to leave the game now. Lapis Schmapis… gah. I didn’t like that she was now the main spot of attention.

“Keep your ears shut, little dude,” Amethyst gave a guffaw, reaching over and putting her hands over Steven’s, helping deafen himself from the conversation. “You’ll learn when you’re older.”

Lapis sighed, and she laid back against some hay bales behind her. “I… don’t think it’s appropriate.”  
  
“OH MY GOD,” Amethyst gasped. “NO WAY. DID YOU-?”   
  
“No,” Lapis quickly shot down the assumption. “The furthest we did was kiss. That’s it.”   
  
“Who was it?” Volley peeped.

Lapis took a moment before she answered. “Do you know Kevin?”  
  
“YOU DID NOT-” Amethyst was having a blast. She was laughing so hard that I was sure that she was going to break herself. I gave another chuckle in order to stay with the flow, but it was faint. I don't even know who this Kevin was or is.

“I did.” Lapis shrugged. “It was a stupid high school party and we kind of…”  
  


“I LOVE THIS, THIS IS AMAZING,” Amethyst held her stomach. Steven gave an annoyed look, still covering his ears. As I stayed in my position of the circle, I watched as Lapis got up. She went over to Steven, and gently took his hands off his head. She told him something- I couldn’t hear what because Amethyst was so loud- but Steven seemed a bit more comfortable now. He went to go sit closer next to Lapis, still keeping his hands over his ears until Lapis told him that it was okay to remove them.

… What was that about?  
  
Huh. They must be closer than I thought as siblings. Adopted siblings. Whatever-.

Alright then. 

My eyes went back to looking at everyone in the circle. “... What’s with the eyepatch?” I blurted, unable to contain the question anymore as I stared at Volley. “Your hair looks weird too.”

Amethyst stopped laughing. It became dead silent very fast. I don’t quite understand why. I was genuinely intrigued, and I don’t know if the eyepatch serves any kind of actual purpose. Plus was the hair dyed? Bleached? A wig? Who knows! That’s why I’m asking so that I know-!

“She’s albino,” Blue at last broke the quiet. Nothing about the eyepatch. 

Everyone was staring at me, staring at me like I did something… wrong.

“Dude… bit sensitive,” Amethyst inhaled sharply. “You can’t just say things like that.”

Volley awkwardly hid her face. Lapis glared at me. Blue was quiet, and Amethyst didn’t seem too pleased.

“I-...” I began, but lost the words on my tongue. I didn’t know what to say, and everyone looked extremely unhappy with me. My chest was aching and my eyes felt like they were burning. My throat was sore. My heart was racing. I felt like I was going to cry. Did I do something wrong?! What did I do wrong?! 

It was with horror that I eventually realized that I pulled a Lapis; I did exactly what she did when we first met- blurted something inappropriate. But Lapis did it worse! So why am I the bad guy?!

So, I got up, and bolted out of the barn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Ironic I’m updating this during April lol!  
> I might as well too given the month and one of the themes in this fic, light it up red or gold instead of blue to show your support for us autistic folk! Stamp out the puzzle piece and forget about Autism Speaks! They are NOT a good organization for people like me. Promote acceptance, and go red or gold! <3


	6. Week One - Fun Saturday Pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot wraps up her first week.

Sometimes, I say things that I don’t mean. Sometimes, I open my mouth, and the most dumbest things come out in hordes of cluttered chaos. I get curious, I can’t help myself, I want to KNOW and I ask questions hoping that I get answers only to be told that I’m being inappropriate or rude. I don’t mean to be either or- I swear. But words aren’t exactly my ally. I want to learn and gather information so that I’m informed of things. If anything, words come out like they’re the worst thing to exist when I try to seek knowledge.

As a kid, I had a horrible stuttering problem. I could hardly get past one sentence. My mother, as usual, took me to get fixed by attending some speech therapy, and I never had much issues since. Sure, I slipped here and there, but it wasn’t anything as terrible as it used to be. I trust my mother. I love her, I adore her and I look up to her. If she says that she knows how to help me by giving me medication or sending me off anywhere, I trust her. But when it comes to standing my own ground, I lack a leg to stand on so to speak in metaphorical terms. 

I don’t know how to handle my own. I’m not used to doing things alone, although my mom has promised that I will know how to one day when I inherit her business as it literally is the primary reason that she wants me to be in top shape. It’s the best FOR the best. And I have to be the best.

So why is it that now I feel like nothing but a complete and utter failure after what I did?

I just wanted to know why Volley looked so… strange. Why didn’t they just tell me something like a little ‘hey! She’s an albino!’ That could have solved everything WITHOUT all the agony and all the staring. The judging. The glaring. The…

The…

_ Gosh, I’m a mess. _

And after that stunt I pulled, everybody must hate me now. It’s insane too, because Lapis did the same thing and she gets nothing for it! 

… It IS the same thing, isn’t it? When she asked me if autism was like Down syndrome?... I am NOT autistic, and I never will be. I’m perfect, I have to be or else my mother is NOT going to be pleased.

_ … I am perfect, aren’t I? _   
  


I stared at my fingers, getting lost in the whorls of my fingerprints. My skin just looked like a sea of vast tan now, and I couldn’t even properly make out the shape of how many fingers I had. The whole world around me was… fading away. Not as in the sort where I’m dying, but in the sense that I can’t even tell left from right and I don’t know if I am still conscious or not anymore. My legs were burning from the fact that I had sprinted off towards somewhere quiet and hidden, my chest pounding with the waves of my heartbeat and a side stitch forming in one of my sides. 

I had taken off towards the stables, and went around it instead of inside of the building.. Behind one of the walls, I took refuge, kneeling down and trying to keep myself together. I… never had this many emotions before at once. It was new, and it made me feel like I was suffocating. Dying almost? Was this what dying was like? No, I’m overreacting! Come on, Peridot!

I felt horrible because I felt like I was in trouble. And honestly, after the response I got from everyone, I probably was. I wanted to curl up into a ball and slowly die. My entire body was shaking. I couldn’t get myself to stop… trembling so much. It was the worst feeling in the world. 

Maybe something  _ was  _ wrong with me. 

Maybe my mother actually did have a reason to send me here.

All those medications and therapies…

_ What was wrong with me? _   
  


“Hey, Peridot! Where did you go?” Steven’s voice rang.

I cringed, not wanting to be found or bothered with right now. I need some… space. Yeah. Space sounds nice. Space is calm and space is amazing… space like space space, where there’s aliens and some stars… Space as in nobody comes to talk to me and it becomes all good…

I nearly squeaked when someone tapped my shoulder- seriously, what is up with that!? It is FRUSTRATING! My body was still shaking, but I was able to pay attention to what was going on with my environment. Kinda. I turned, and Steven was there, staring at me with concern. I was breathing heavily, my mouth open like a panting dog. 

“S… Steven?” I quietly said. There it was, the dumb stammering that my mother had worked so hard to abolish. I couldn’t let our efforts go to waste! I had to correct myself. I cleared my throat to try again, but Steven beat me to it.

“Are you okay? You ran off during the game and-”

“I’m fine. I’m fine,” I assured, forcing myself to stop trembling as I wiped my nostrils with my sleeve. I made sure to say it twice so that it sounded more convincing or something. I guess that’s how conversation worked anyway; using tone to communicate emotions and reply efficiently to contribute to the topic.

“Volley says she didn’t mean to make you run off.” Steven sat down next to me as I settled down. “It’s just the way that you asked her sounded rude.”   
  
“I know,” I grumbled.

“Maybe next time you-”

“I. KNOW!” I threw my hands up into the air, irate. “BUT, it’s no fair when Lapis is the one who also commented a similar rude remark, and didn’t get much as a single eye batted at her for it! I don’t care if she lives here or if she’s adopted, how come when I just ask a genuine question out of curiosity so that I can know information about a subject I am uneducated on, I’m the bad guy!?”

Yeah. I… may or may not have let it all out on him in verbal terms. I was annoyed, alright?

_ I would rather stand through a long meeting about economics and the flow of production or how supply and demand can mean profit or not rather than deal with this. _

Steven clicked his feet together. His sandals remind me of flamingos, They’re so… PINK. “What rude remark did Lapis say?” he asked, innocently.

I sighed. Then, started thinking back on it. “Just… that…” I shrugged, “you know, saying it out loud, it actually sounds dumb.” I couldn't put into words what I wanted to say.

Maybe I should give up on it.

“Oh.” Steven fell into an awkward silence that lasted for only a few seconds. “Well, you can come back and play with us if you want to.”   
  
“I’m good,” I shook my head. Too much excitement for one day, as I assumed. I was making a mental note about this Fun Saturday thing so that next time I wasn’t walking in as blind. Socializing wasn’t my thing. I performed so poorly with it! Then another bad thing happened. Guess what it was! Yeah, it was my mouth running off again. “What was Lapis telling you during the game? When Amethyst brought up the kissing prompt, what did Lapis say to you?”

I’m nosey. I’m curious, and perhaps too curious for my own good. Did you know that there is a saying which states curiosity killed the cat? It means that curiosity can be dangerous and have heavy consequences if you go too far for your answers. Sometimes, it’s better to let a cat lie- I think that’s what the terminology is. I could be wrong.

“Oh! You mean when I had to cover my ears?” Steven asked. “Lapis looks out for me. She was making sure that I don’t hear things I can’t hear. She’s my big sister, it’s her favorite job to look out for me,” he laughed warmly. “One time, she threatened to break someone’s leg because they took away my jacket during recess back in fourth grade. I don’t think the teacher liked it.”

“She… would break someone’s leg for you…?” I scrunched my brows.

“I mean, I hope she doesn’t. I don’t like it when people get hurt, it makes me upset,” Steven replied. “It’s mean to hurt someone. Even if they took my jacket, maybe they were cold and needed it more than me.”   
  
Wow, talk about empathy. Steven was so full of it. And so was I, but I was full of questions instead of some kind of goopy feel stuff. I liked having my questions answered so I could understand things a bit more, plus a talk like this was helping me calm down from what had happened. It was… okay.

“Why was she adopted?” I brought up. “Orphanage?” That of course was my best guess. Lapis seemed like the kind of person who was so problematic that she got adopted out-.

“My mom says that Lapis was little when her parents passed away in a cruise ship accident. She didn’t have anybody, and she was found trying to find her parents in the ocean. I think someone found her and then found us,” Steven explained. “Some stuff happened that mom doesn’t like to say around me. But I heard her say before that Lapis might have something called PTSD. It’s a trauma disorder.”

_ … Huh? _

A… wow. Okay. That was… harsh. Why did I feel…  _ bad  _ now? Even WORSE than what I began with! GROSS, feelings-!

I blinked. “Trauma…?”

“Yeah, it’s like when people get nervous with something from their past- mom told me that. Dad also says that it takes a lot of work to heal from it.”

Trauma… 

Interesting.

I scratched my chin, ironically now feeling better than I began with. I had to thank Steven, as he was the one who helped keep my mind from flying. I could see how he was Rose’s son now.

“There’s still a bit of time before Fun Saturday is over. Do you wanna play a board game with me?” Steven joyfully suggested.

“Nyeh… Depends,” I huffed. 

“It’s Chutes and Ladders. I think you’ll like it!”

I had no idea what that was. But… perhaps I could exercise my socializing skills in the midst of this so called board game. Plus, at the moment, I would still rather hang with Steven rather than the other people who were mad at me. They probably were still upset with me- I don’t know! But right now I didn’t want to know. So, I accepted Steven’s offer. He got up, then waited for me to do the same. I was gonna learn how to play this Chutes and Ladders nonsense until it was time to leave.


	7. Lapis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis POV Chapter!
> 
> TW/CW: misinformation of autism, discussions about death/loss

“What was that about?” Amethyst gave a confused look after Peridot had gotten up and fled from the barn. 

I shrugged in response.

“I’m sorry,” Blue assured Volley, comforting her with a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure she didn’t mean it…”

“Peridot!” Steven jumped up. “Hey-!”

I grabbed his shirt, attempting to coax him back into staying in the circle with us. “Steven,” I started, “let her be.”

Peridot… well, I’m not sure where to begin with her. She’s just another client here I guess. Nothing special besides her reason for being here. She’s… literally “special”, as I could say. We haven’t had anybody with autism come here before. Mostly it’s just PTSD or depression, stuff like that. Autism as far as I know is like… the kind of kids who don’t know how to be quiet. They do weird things too, I’m sure. There’s lots of memes and posts about it on the internet about people with autism. 

“Anyway, should we uh… continue?” Amethyst yawned, brushing back her hair with one hand.

“Steven-!” I tried again to keep Steven from running off after Peridot, but I was too slow this time as he managed to wiggle away. I sighed, distastefully, knowing there was no stopping him once he had his mind set on something. He was just like Rose after all… All I could do was frown as he took off.

“At least he’ll make sure she’s okay,” Amethyst said. “Rose did say to help keep an eye on Peridot.”

“She didn’t offend you, did she?” I asked Volley gently.

Volley shook her head. “A little…” she mused. “But, I’m almost used to it by now.”

“You shouldn’t be used to it! Don’t let people walk all over you,” I snapped.

“Whoa, Lapis, chill,” Amethyst stated.

I gritted my teeth, my fists clenched as I reluctantly stayed where I was.

“She was just asking a question,” Volley spoke up. “Even if it was a bit... rude.”

“She stared,” Blue added.

I rolled my eyes. Amethyst began talking with Volley, and all I could think of was if Steven would be okay out there.

  
  
  


That night, dinner was planned to be pizza and salad. It’s a usual treat here at our house, and I’ve grown to like it. Rose makes this homemade pepperoni and cheese dish that I absolutely cannot ignore. Greg and Steven usually help make breadsticks. I’m in charge of the dishes and drinks. It’s our cooperative effort, a family working together and also doing it with fun.

“Lapis! Come see what I made!” Steven excitedly called from the kitchen. As I sat down the last of the plates at the table, I turned my head to see what he was up to. I then headed to the kitchen to fetch some cups, checking out Steven’s work as I passed by. He was making dough and rolling it up into shapes.

“That one’s Lion, isn’t it?” I pointed to one dough shape.

“Yeah! I couldn’t give him whiskers, but it’s Lion!” Steven smiled.

I chuckled. “That looks awesome.”

“Thanks, Lapis!”

I opened the cupboards above the stove, casting a small glance at Rose who was putting the pizza into the oven. I leaned towards her, my emotions dipping as I knew what I wanted to ask her. “Hey… how’s Lion?” I quietly asked.

Rose closed the oven once the pizza was in, removing her mitts. “His tumor is getting bigger,” she answered me, also keeping her voice down to refrain from scaring Steven. “The vet says unless we can afford the surgery, I’m afraid that he-...”

“He won’t make it,” I finished. “That’s…” I searched for words, my voice somber as I failed. “I’m sorry.”

“He’s going to need you,” Rose gestured to Steven discreetly, “more than ever. If Lion goes, he won’t be himself for a while.”

“Yeah…” I scratched the back of my head. “I know.” 

Steven is a good kid. He’s kind, he’s sympathetic, and he’s always wanting everybody to be happy. Whenever anyone is sad, he does his best to cheer them up. So if Lion passes away, if someone that he cares about dies, it’s going to take a toll on him. And even his parents or friends may not be able to help him get back to his usual self. He’s gonna need a lot of help to get through it and need someone who can give back to him just the same amount of heart that he gives the world.

Rose is right. I need to be there for him if a tough time like that happens. He’s going to be miserable. I just don’t really know how long I can keep this up. 

I fell quiet as I collected the cups, then returned to the dinner table. I set them down one by one. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched and worriedly pondered about Lion as the Maine coon slept away on his bed.

_ Be strong, Lion. For Steven. _


	8. First Week Report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and her mother discuss the first week, prepping for week two.
> 
> TW/CW; Abuse, toxic parent/parent relationships, quiet hands

My mother is a very organized woman. It’s a perk, really, given her job after all. She has everything alphabetized by topic, name, and day of hour of when the document was written and printed. She has folders for everything, and mine is a special little folder that has a BUNCH of records inside. Everything from my doctor’s notes, previous doctors, medication records, immunization records, my weight and eating habits… It impresses me honestly. I would lose everything in a second if I was in her place! It’s why I have to practice. Well, practice when I can. I still have to finish high school then after graduation I need college…-

_Am I repeating myself? Nah, Peridot, you’re good._

_Did I check to make sure that the new Camp Pining Shorts was recorded?_ _  
_ _  
_ _… I don’t think I did._

_… Oops._

_You’re the worst, Peridot._

_I know, Peridot._

_Thanks, Peridot._

“Peridot!”  
  
“YEAH?!” I yelled back from my room, throwing my blanket off myself. I had been browsing the internet from my tablet since I recently finished up my report for the first week, and my mom snapped me out of my trance. Baby chickens are so cute… GAH, THAT STUPID WORD! UGH! Cute… pah! CUTE. I’d love to own my OWN baby chicken one day. I had been looking at a few advertisements of them; pudgy brown ones, white ones, black ones, gray ones, all sorts of ones. My most favorite is the chicken breed known as silkie. They’re very soft, or so I have heard, with feathers on their feet. Did you know that in some places, they call them a bantam breed rather than large fowl?

“PERIDOT!”  
  
“I’M COMING!” I shouted once more, hooking up my tablet to the charger. It’s best to not anger her. I hurried out of my room, down the hall toward my mother’s office. She had the largest room made for it, the closest room to the stairs as well. The glass door was open, a fancy addition for her workspace, so I knew that she was in there. Usually, she kept the door closed if she didn’t want to be disturbed or wasn’t in there. I swallowed some saliva stuck in the back of my throat before I entered the office. “Um… you called-?”   
  
“Yes. Next time, be quicker,” My mother cast a snide remark.

“I’m sorry-”  
  
“You should be. You wasted my time lagging instead of coming here when you’re called.” 

I awkwardly sat down in a chair just in front of the desk setup she had in her office, watching her with uneasiness. I said nothing back, knowing that I should just suck up her advice and learn from my mistakes. 

“I printed the last of your reports for me,” my mom explained, bringing out a thick file from her cabinets. It was marked with my name, all nice and neat. That folder I swear is engraved in my mind. She brings it up a lot and shows me it a lot, most particularly when we are discussing my future and my progress on being normalized. Or so that’s what she tells me, I don’t know. I just want to go to bed already. It’s Saturday, and it’s almost nine PM. My sleep schedule would be furious at me.

_Oh… oh no she was talking to me and I didn’t pay attention…_

_Uh…_

_What was she saying again?_

“... -What?” I croak once I realize that my attention span had drifted off. My mother had been speaking, and she stopped when I spoke. Uh oh.

“Did you hear anything I said?” She sighed, disappointed.

I shook my head. “No ma’am,” I admitted. “I’m sorry.” My skin heated up with fear as I also realized that she had been eyeing my hands.

“You’re doing your hand thing again,” she muttered, so severely disappointed. 

Was I?  
  
I glanced down at my hands, immediately making them freeze. They _had_ been moving, just simple and light little shaking. But my mother is a hawk, and nothing can get past her. I was so in trouble.

“Before we get to the discussion of your hands, let me repeat myself again,” my mother hissed. My body tensed. “I was viewing your report, and I am not happy with your diet this week. Outside of the acceptable meals including the ones that I have made for you, I am seeing a large number of foods too large in cholesterol or just not necessary. Foods like chips, foods like candy and sugary drinks that are going to absolutely destroy your system.”

“I’ll try again next week,” I promised. “I- I’ll be better!” I gave a hopeful grin, which soon melted back to my neutral expression as my mother rolled her eyes. She didn’t believe me. I had to prove myself. So, okay, maybe I DID eat a bit too much snacks this week. But I had REASON to! Camp Pining Hearts cannot be enjoyed without anything to-!  
  
“Hm.” My mother went through my file, putting some papers on her desk. From there, she took a pen, and started circling some words on the printed papers. I recognized them to be my reports. “Here. All I’ve circled is things you need to improve on or cut out. It should be simple enough for you to understand.”   
  
“I do. I understand,” I said.

“Good.” My mother handed me the papers, and I began to browse through what she circled. No chips, no soda and no… basically nothing I like. No fun and no snacks. That was easy.

“I know that you want me to be cured quickly… but I’m sure that if I know what direction to go; like if I should tell Rose anything specific, if I know what exactly I’m there for, or even what I can do while I’m attending-“

“I’m keeping more in touch with Rose after this week,” my mother intervened. “Just do your job and attend.”

“Oh. Ah… okay. Yeah,” I nodded. “Am I excused now?”

“Almost. Come here and hold your hands out,” my mother instructed, getting up and rummaging through her cabinet some more. She pulled out some rubber bands, grabbing my hands and beginning to tie them together.

Ah, this again. I hate quiet hands. It’s dumb, and hopefully she uses tape this time so that my hands aren’t so itchy or in pain. You see, quiet hands is what happens when I fidget too much. My mom usually tapes or momentarily ties or glues my hands together until I can function properly again. Usually it doesn’t last long. The longest it lasted was two days because I couldn’t stop scratching my shoulder. 

Once my mother was done, I let my hands rest against my body. They were tied tightly together, but they’d be free in the morning. 

“I’ll take it off Monday morning to let them rest before I take you to that horse center,” my mom informed.

I gulped. 

_Monday?!_

“Two… days?” I trembled. “Mom, please- I… my hands get red after a while-“

“Then next time, watch your hands and don’t make a scene,” my mother grumbled. “I have even read on your report that you have done another of your hand things while at the center. Tomorrow, you will stay here while I work on sorting out a more proper diet for you and start looking into certain pills or aromas that may help you.”

_So… no equine center tomorrow._

Memories of Steven teaching me Chutes and Ladders earlier today came flooding back to me. Even if Steven let me win- I know it because he was PURPOSELY losing, it was one of the most fun times I’ve ever had, the closest to having a friend even. I would see what my mom thought of it on my report, but it was hard to read the paper when I couldn’t really grab it or bring it up to my face right now. I struggled for a hot second, managing to get the edges of the papers caught between my fingertips. 

“Goodnight,” I said, starting to excuse myself now that my mom was done with her chat with me. “I’ll start working on everything.”

“Good.” And with that, my mother just went back to her other documents.

I frowned, walking back to my room, my hands already turning red from the rubber bands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Since it’s gonna be one of the themes here; Quiet hands is when an autistic individual is forced to restrain themselves from stimming basically, suppressing stim behavior. It can be done by physical or verbal means, such as gluing hands together, tying hands together, making threats, waxing hands, forcing hands into pockets, or other means. How Peridot’s mother treats her is based on actual events of autistic people who have been through this terrible practice.


	9. Sunday - Steven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven POV chapter!
> 
> Steven and his adopted sister bond during early Sunday chores.

“Peridot isn’t coming here today?”

“No. I received a call from her mother that she will be unable to make the session today,” my mom explained, giving a faint frown. 

“Aww.” I got down from the hay bale, ignoring the scratchy straw stuck in my shirt and jeans. “She’s coming tomorrow though, right?” I hoped.

“Yes, I think so,” my mom answered. “I was informed that only today she would be unavailable. How was she yesterday? Was she doing fine?”

“Oh! Yeah, Peridot and I played some Chutes and Ladders. I taught her how to play! She seemed like a pro at it,” I happily said. 

“That’s good,” my mom giggled. “It’s always nice to make new friends or include someone.”

“She’s super nice once you get to know her. She’s weird, but in a cool way! I like how she knows Overwatch. Maybe I can invite her sometime to play with me!” I suggested.

“It would be best to save that for next Fun Saturday then,” my mom smiled. “Until then, it’s important that she gets her therapy sessions.”

“What do you guys talk about?” I asked.

“It’s private, Steven. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Hey, do you think one day I can help with the therapy sessions? Like how Lapis helps Blue with some of her sessions?”

“We’ll see,” my mom promised. “I’m sure you’ll be perfect for the job.”

I felt overjoyed at the compliment, helping bring over the grooming tools for the horses as my mom continued to remove some dirt out of the hooves of the horses. Currently, she was working on Tracer, who was always patient and kind as ever.

We have about six horses total on the farm. Tracer is our tallest, she's a flaxen chestnut and she’s a Halflinger. Sometimes, she helps us pull stuff around the farm. Harley is our American Paint Horse, she has overo black markings on her back, and the rest of her is white. Edmond is our gray Shetland pony. He’s so adorable and he’s so sweet! Daisy is a black-colored mustang, and she is always hungry for apples. Gunter is our Tennessee walking horse. He’s old, but he is very good at letting someone take him out for a ride. Lastly, we have Snow White, our silver dapple thoroughbred. All of our horses are rescue horses. Mom likes to help them feel better and get back into shape!

Besides horses, we also have a variety of other animals. Chickens, sheep, goats… we have some ducks but they’re wild. They usually visit our pond when they migrate. We have a turkey named Tom, and he’s still kind of mean. Mom has a coop dedicated to tons of doves. Dad likes to move the goats to places of the farm that need mowing. We’re like a huge family!

I watched my mom for a bit, dreaming of the day that I would be old enough to use the horse hoof pick. I could help take care of the horses too in a year or two! Mom just wants to make sure that I’m old enough to work with tools in case I accidentally hurt myself, and so that I’d also be tall enough for the horses to see me. It’s a safety precaution as she tells me. Until then, I help feed and walk the horses, and I also know how to ride them! Lapis and I usually take the horses for a trail ride in the mornings before it gets super hot.

“Is Lapis outside?” I peeped up after a while. “I can help her feed the sheep if they aren’t fed yet. Or… whatever she’s doing.”

“She should be- last I saw her, she was collecting some of the eggs in the chicken coop however,” my mom replied. “I can handle the rest from here. Do you want to go see if she needs any help?”

“Course!” 

My mom put Tracer’s hoof back down on the ground, momentarily pausing from her work in order to give me a hug. “Stay safe out there.”

“I will, mom! Love you!” I beamed, hugging her back.

“I love you too, Steven. Make sure that Tom doesn’t get out again!”

“I will! See ya, mom!” And with that, I pulled away, skipping out of the stables with my salmon-pink flip flops. Mom said Lapis was at the chicken coop, so that’s where I will go. It’s just around the barn, a bit towards the pond. 

Once I reached the coops, I checked to make sure that Tom was still in his yard, then with a glad smile continued onward toward the chicken coop. “Lapis! Are you out here?!” I cupped my mouth to help make myself louder. “Laaaapis!”

“Steven! Over here!” My sister’s voice rang from the coop. Confirming the fact that she was inside, I too went in. Some of our hens were still sitting on their nests, others running about outside in their yard or just hanging out where they liked. Rhody, our oldest hen, was in her nest stretching out her wings. Mom always said she liked free range, so we keep the coop open all day to let them roam around on the farm then gather them back up before nightfall so that coyotes don’t get them. We give them lots of different grains and also take them into our house if they’re sick so that they can recover. 

“Whoa- that’s a lot of eggs,” I commented, spotting the basket that Lapis had as she finished up collecting eggs. 

“You wanna see something even more neat?” Lapis set down the basket. She grabbed something from a nest, then gestured for me to hold out my hand. “Close your eyes.”

I did as asked, both hands out and ready. Something very soft and small was plopped onto my palm. “Can I open them now?”

“Yeah.”

I peeked with one eye, only for both to shoot open soon afterwards. “Oh my gosh-! A baby chicken!” I cooed at the fluffy chick in my hands.

“I think they recently hatched. I found them in Sally’s nest.”

“Oooh! He’s so cuuute!” I gushed. “Hi there, little guy!” I stared at him some more. “He looks kinda… different from other baby chickens I’ve seen.”

Lapis scrunched up her face, getting a better look at the chick. “Huh. You’re right…” she said. “He does have a bit more stripes…”

“Lapis, are you sure this is a chicken?”

“I…” My sister shrugged. “I honestly don’t think so.”

“Should we tell mom? Or dad?”

“Eeehhh… we'll figure it out,” Lapis promised. “Sally is already attached to him.”

“Is there more?”

“Only two more.”

“Maybe Sally is like their adoptive mom!” I exclaimed.

“Adoptive mom?” Lapis snorted.

“Yeah! Maybe something happened to his mom, so Sally took them in!” I paused, petting the chick. Lapis started looking uncomfortable. I winced. “... Oh. I’m… sorry, Lapis.”

“It’s fine,” Lapis monotoned. 

“Are you-?”

“Steven. It’s fine,” Lapis repeated. “Don’t worry about it.”

Even if she says it’s fine, I can’t help but feel bad. I know I made Lapis feel upset because of her parents, and… it just makes me upset too. I pet the chick one last time before I gave it back to Lapis so she could put it back into Sally’s nest. I grabbed the basket of eggs for her, giving an apologetic look. 

“I know that I shouldn’t be bothering you any further, but… I’m curious. I wanna know what’s going on. Peridot said that you said something to her before that made her upset,” I blurted. Mom says I might be an empath, because I have this thing where I can “sponge” off of other peoples’ emotions. And that’s exactly what’s going on right now with me and Lapis, and even Peridot although she isn’t here. It’s tough when there’s emotions that collide with each other. 

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t exactly say. But she seemed sad.”

“All I’ve said to her so far was how to properly groom a horse,” Lapis scoffed. “Then, she hit me in the face with the brush.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. Bet she didn’t tell you about that, huh?”

“I guess not…” I murmured. 

“We should get the eggs in. Then we can ride the horses or something since there’s no appointments today,” Lapis mentioned. “Come on.”

“Alright,” I agreed, heading out of the chicken coop with Lapis, making sure that no eggs dropped out of the basket. “Hey, Lapis?”

“Hm?”

“I love you, Lapis.”

Lapis was delayed with her response. “Love you, Steven.”

I still don’t quite understand why she always seems… distant when it comes to affection. But judging by the weight of her emotions, I had a feeling that there was a deeper root to it than I could pick out. I just hope she is doing okay and knows that we are here for her.


	10. Week Two - Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot’s second week begins.
> 
> CW/TW; Quiet hands, parental abuse

I tensed when I heard a knock on the bathroom door, knowing that my time of being free would reach its end. You see, I have a small _cheat_ when it comes to my mother initiating practices involving tying my hands together. It doesn’t work when she uses any kind of heavy duty tape or glue, but with rubber bands, she is kind enough to remove them upon my request so that I can use utilities and tend to hygienic or necessary needs, then she puts them back on once I’m done. The bathroom is the easiest excuse- I can get my hands freed for quite a while and she wouldn’t even be able to dispute. Obviously. It’s a BATHROOM, why would anybody need to barge in? My mother is dignified. She knows her boundaries. 

My hands were aching red. Marks in my hands from where the rubber bands had bound me lay evident in scorched remainders of their path. The tips of my fingers could’ve turned purple if I hadn’t pulled the bathroom excuse. I sneaked in my tablet too by smuggling it under my baggy sweatshirt, so now I was in heaven enjoying some time on the internet from within the confinement of the bathroom.

That is until I heard another knock. My mother was growing impatient. I had been in here for about half an hour by now. It was best I get out and accept reality before I test my luck any further.

“PERIDOT!” My mother shouted.

“ONE SECOND!” I announced, shutting off my tablet. Guess my social media will have to wait… Urgh. To add some realism and to also keep my secret under the radar, I bundled my tablet back into my sweatshirt then flushed the toilet. Just hopefully my electronic wouldn’t fall out as I walk out or something. If so? I would be absolutely screwed.

Hesitantly, I unlocked the door. I stepped out of the bathroom and into the unhappy gaze of my mother who had been waiting for me outside.

“What are you always in there for so long for?” My mom demanded.

“My PERIOD,” I made up an excuse, glad that I was born biologically female for said excuse to work. “I am CRAMPING and I AM DYING. THANK YOU,” I grunted. “Surely, you’d understand, having a uterus and all-.”

“Just give me your hands.”

I complied. I awkwardly moved my arm so that my tablet would stay hidden. “So… equine center later today. Right?”

“Right,” my mother confirmed as she tied the rubber bands back around my hands. 

“I can’t have my hands untied yet?”

“Any more nagging, and I’ll keep you home another day,” my mom warned.

I fell mute. I didn’t want another day of rubber band hands. I would rather deal with three or less hours of this rather than another twenty four hours. So I swallowed any pride I had and listened. 

I’m a good listener.

I’m a good daughter.

* * *

  
  


When eventually came the time to go to therapy, my mother ushered me into the car and removed my bands. I stretched my fingers out then sat in the silence of the car ride.

_I wish I had my earplugs…_

_Or headphones. Preferably headphones. I would love to listen to some dubstep right now… Maybe do a rerun of Camp Pining Hearts…_

My mom was fast to leave once we reached the farm- as expected. She has no business waiting around, she’s busy! She’s always busy! And I on the other hand need to start paying attention so that I have another report to write up for her this week! 

I sucked in a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for a new week and checking to make sure that the gloves my mom gave me were on both my hands. She says that they’ve been lined with a medicine that will help my wounds from the rubber bands heal faster, so she _has_ to have a heart somewhere deep down. I began to make my way toward the stables, noticing two horses outside. They were tied to a fence, grazing on some grass. 

_They look happy._

_I didn’t have cereal this morning and I’m SOOOOO hungry._

_That’s something I can put on my reports when I get home!_

“Hey, Peridot! You’re back!” Steven’s voice caught me off guard. He came barreling into me as I watched the horses graze, and I braced myself before he hugged me. At least people weren’t tapping my shoulder anymore.

“Ah… yeah! I’m back,” I nodded. “I… um, don’t know what you’re doing but it’s making me nervous.”

“Whoops! I’m sorry, Peridot,” Steven removed himself. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Yeah huh….” I raised a brow at him.

“My mom says to give people boundaries. So if hugs aren’t your thing, that’s okay!”

“Hugs…?” I only grew more confused.

“Yeah, hugs! Like what I just gave you! They’re a sign of affection,” Steven explained.

“Hmm…” I muttered, taking notes.

_Hug. Where you viciously grab somebody._

_I know what it is but I never had anyone actually hug me that tight before._

_A hug…_

_I don’t think my mom ever gave me one._

“Where’s Rose?” I asked. I just wanted to get my appointment over with. I was reminded that Lapis also lives here and I don’t wanna deal with that…

“She will be out here in a minute, unless you want me to take you to her. She’s getting Edmond ready for your therapy.”

Little Edmond… Yeah, I don’t know when I would be ready for big horses, but until I am, I would rather work with Edmond, even if I would rather not be here at all. Maybe I could start setting goals for myself, such as if I managed to get through a session and make a miraculous report for my mother, I could-!

_No, wait, I can’t have chips anymore. DAMMIT._

“Are you ready for today’s session, Peridot?” Rose called, emerging from the stables. I sighed with relief. Finally. Now I can get this over with.

“Mom! Dad says he can drive me over to Connie’s. Is that okay?” Steven questioned, stepping away from me.

“As long as you’re back by seven,” Rose answered, leading Edmond along with her.

“Sounds good! Thanks, mom! Bye mom! Love you!” Steven smiled. He ran off, leaving me and Rose with the horses. 

“Bye, Steven! Call me when you get there! I love you too!” Rose said.

_… People actually say I love you like that…?_

I found this fact to be intriguing.

Rose gently giggled. “You’ll have to excuse Steven. He was talking about you, you know. I hope you enjoyed learning Chutes and Ladders with him.”

“I did,” I gulped. “It was… a great learning experience for me.”

Rose tied Edmond to the fence with the other two horses, then faced me. “Today, I’m going to start teaching you how to lead a horse around with the lead rope. That way, you’ll be able to start bonding a bit more with Edmond.”

“Bond with a horse…?” I echoed.

“Mhm. Bonding with an animal isn’t like bonding with other humans. Horses especially, they build bonds on trust. Edmond here won’t be too tough, but it won’t hurt to spend some time with him and learn from each other. Would you like to begin now?”

I thought about the gloves on my hands, only to be assured that they would be perfect for the job if I would need to do physical work leading a horse anywhere. My palms would be spared of any rope burns!

“Sure. Let’s begin,” I accepted. Besides, it’s just still the basic stuff, no riding and nothing too complex. Just horses. Rose didn’t ask me any personal questions at all today either. It would be an easy day for me.


	11. Week Two - Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot learns to lead a horse around.
> 
> CW/TW; allude of parental abuse

Rose is teaching me that horses can be hard to move. Yesterday it was fine because I still had no idea how to properly lead a horse around, but two days in a row is ridiculous. Edmond moves when I budge on the lead rope, trust me, but he also stops every second to eat grass. WE ARE SURROUNDED BY GRASS. He can eat it LATER. So why does he choose to try and eat it while I try to move him!?

Rose has given me some helpful tips and tricks about leading a horse around. You can’t be too gentle, but also can’t be too firm. Horses are a good balance. She says that they’re a key to finding my own inner peace. At least from my understanding.

… Whatever that is.

Blah. I’ll figure it out.

“EDMOND! Puh-LEASE, MOVE!” I begged with frustration, budging on the rope. 

“Peridot, remember; slight motion forward. You don’t have to jerk too hard,” Rose advised me as she watched. “Edmond is very understanding. He will move as long as you don’t hurt him.”

“Tell that to the grass he won’t stop eating…” I mumbled. “Come on! Edmond! You… clod!”

Edmond jerked forward, and I almost fell. Rose chuckled as I stumbled. She reached out to help me before I could make a big fool of myself.

“Watch me,” Rose instructed, taking the lead rope from me once I had recovered my balance. I felt so ashamed of myself. At least I was better at mathematics and bio than I was at anything to do with horses. This just wasn’t my field. Why couldn’t they make chicken therapy? I think chickens would be better than this.

I watched as Rose gave a small motion with the rope in her hand, and Edmond began to follow her. 

_ Just wait until he gets to the grass…. _

_ … WHAT. _

My eyes popped out of their socket. Edmond tried to eat the grass again, surely, but Rose managed to make him  _ stop.  _ HOW!? IS THIS WOMAN A WITCH!?

“It is nothing personal when a horse just tries to have a snack,” Rose gave a friendly food for thought. It’s a saying with the food thing, it means to heed their wisdom basically. “Tap his hindquarters when he tries to stop and eat the grass, or make sure to give one firm tug up with the rein or rope. One strong correction is better than nagging him to try and do what you say. Geldings like any other horse need invested time and connection, leadership roles must be established. Make sure you get heard.”   
  
_ … What? I got none of that. _

“In English, please,” I requested.

“Like so,” Rose offered to help me physically. She held one hand out. I reluctantly took it. I gripped onto the lead, and she showed me what she meant. 

_ Oh… alright, I get it now. _

I bit my cheek. I could maybe try this on my own now… I shooed Rose’s hand away, then got Edmond to start moving again. I carefully crept along, getting anxious as I approached another grass patch. Edmond was starting to lower his head. He was going to do it- he was going to shove his face into that sweet grass and throw me off course-!

_ Aaaand… TUG. _

I copied what Rose had done. I tugged on the lead rope, using only one hand instead of both. My gloves provided just the right amount of grip for me to also stand my ground so that I didn’t slip or collapse under my own knees as I did so.

_ Did it work? _

My heart skipped a beat.

_ I think I did…? _

Edmond had moved his head back up, his ear flicking at me. I stared at him, blankly. I couldn’t exactly comprehend what was going on as my heartbeat was thrumming in my chest and my head.

“- You did it!” Rose congratulated me, her words cutting in when my mind finally eased up.

I stifled a cheer, blinking a few times to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming.

_ I… _

_ I did it… _

...

_ AHA! TAKE THAT, WORLD! _

_ I, PERIDOT, have CONQUERED this task of leading a horse around! _

I couldn’t help it. As the pride came barreling into me, I began to giddily grin like a geek and threw my hands into the air to rejoice. A squeak escaped me.

Edmond on the other hand just gave a toss of his head.

* * *

_ I can lead a horse around now AND keep them from eating grass!  _

_ I am GOD! FEAR ME! _

Perhaps the power was going to my head a little, but was that truly a bad thing? I felt good. I felt… happy for myself. I could do ANYTHING!

_ … Except make my mother love me.  _

_ That’s a joke by the way. She DOES love me, just in her own way! She worries for me and takes care of me. It’s a mom thing. _

_ I just wish I could have my chips back... _

As Rose brought Edmond back to his stall due to time cutting it short- I really had spent a good chunk of today’s appointment trying to get Edmond to move without eating grass for two seconds- I checked on my hands. I stood outside the stables, leaning back against the wall. I removed one glove to reveal the purple-red skin that was still healing from my rubber band treatment. 

_ Hmm… just needs a bit more time. _

_ Whatever medicine my mother uses, it’s AWESOME. _

I’d give it a few more days and certainly there would be more improvement. Skin takes time to heal! It’s like a plant that you had to take care of in fourth grade for some reason because the teacher decided it would be interesting for a bunch of kids to grow their own bean plant, which took weeks to grow and if you broke the bean plant, you didn’t get another plant.

_ Do I know that from personal experience? _

_ … No. _

_... _

_ Okay, maybe. _

_ Rest in pieces, Bean-Zilla. _

I saw Steven coming my way. I put my glove back on, and waved. “Steven! Steven, Steven, oh my GOSH, guess what I did?!” I excitedly jumped up and down. I… get obnoxious when I’m excited. That’s what my mom says, and I know it. I’m a bit obnoxious. I’m obnoxious all over. 

“Peridot! Hey, I saw Edmond with you and mom,” Steven said. I noticed that he had made some kind of gesture as if he was gonna enclose on me once he was in my proximity, but backed off a bit instead of carrying through with the act.

… Huh.

_ Maybe it’s the hug thing? _

_ Oh! Obviously! Hugs! No hugs!  _

I was kinda glad that he remembered. For now, I mean, at the least. Gah, this was still so new to me…

“But guess what I did?! Steven, I LED a horse around AND controlled him to not eat grass while I was leading him around! Isn’t that amazing?!” Gosh, I’m obnoxious. “I believe that I’m a whisperer of sorts. It comes naturally,” I bragged.

“Wow, you and mom would get along pretty well,” Steven laughed. “She’s like a Disney Princess! She holds out her hands and these small birds come to her.”

“... She  _ is  _ a witch?” I blurted.

“Huh? No! She’s just very connected with nature,” Steven explained. “My mom says that nature requires patience.”

“Patience… pah! I had patience for around forty eight hours and only recently managed to get a horse to move along and not stop to rip up grass!”

“It took me a while too,” Steven nodded.

“... It did…?” I mumbled.

“Yeah! It usually takes everyone a while. But practice makes perfect,” Steven assured me.

I made a face.

_ Hmph.  _

_ Sure, whatever. Practice makes perfect… yeah. _

_ But if he can do it, and if other people can also do it… then it’s nothing special that I can do... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Some people asked if I have a playlist I listen to while writing this so uh   
> Here ya go I’m still adding to it lol  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNgsI0pU_92ptLjfVr9wFZwKFmnHo4_U8


	12. Week Two - Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot dwells on adding to her report.
> 
> Short chapter!

**Peridot’s Reports**

**Wednesday - Afternoon**

**_Rose had me continue my attempts of leading a horse around by using the rope. I didn’t eat anything during my lesson, and I also didn’t do any other activities besides be stuck with Edmond. I did not take off my gloves just like you said._ **

I was lying. I  _ did  _ take them off yesterday, but that was only for a short period of time to see how they were healing. I did nothing of the sort today.

I continued typing.

**_I would like to request your permission to know the name of the medicine that you apply to my gloves so that I can start applying it myself when necessary. I could also find and afford some gloves of my own, so that way, you wouldn’t have to keep using your own stock. Rose didn’t ask me any questions again for today. I was primarily glued to Edmond. I am better at it than I was yesterday with leading a horse around, so I led him from the stables to the pasture, around the barn, and back. I let him graze afterwards for a bit as a treat._ **

I paused, scratching my head.

_ I’ve learned how to groom a horse, apply tack, and now lead a horse around. What else more is there to do? _

_ … I… don’t feel like I’m ready for riding still. _

_ BUT I considered it for a minute when I managed to finally lead Edmond forward yesterday without him eating the grass! _

_ But then again… what special is to come of it if everyone else can do it too? How does riding a horse even help me? Don’t even get me started on how… tall and dangerous some of them look. I don’t trust it. A horse like Tracer is BIGGER than me. If she wanted to, she could trample my body in two seconds flat-. _

_ Is this report decent? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ No spelling errors… _

_ It sounds… empty. _

_ I should restart it. _

I tapped on the backspace after I had hit ‘select all’. I couldn’t afford to make this report sound childish or like it was written by someone with half a brain. This report is important after all, without it, my mother won’t be able to help me. We’re like a team, and if one of us doesn’t cooperate, we will both metaphorically sink together.

I leaned back in my seat, taking a glance around my room and the various posters that decorated my walls. Inspiration was hard to come by even when it wasn’t an original work that I was writing. It literally was just a simple report documenting the events of my day! And I couldn’t even do THAT correctly!?    
  
_ I’m so pathetic. _

_ HAH! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Yeah, you’re pathetic. _

_ Why, thank you, Peridot! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ No problem, Peridot! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ GAH! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ GET OUT OF MY HEAD! FOCUS ON YOUR REPORT, CLOD! _

I really wish I had something to snack on right now. All I had was a stupid water bottle and part of me wanted to chuck it out my two story window to see it splash onto the ground below. Maybe I’d be able to do this right then. Why was it so hard to sit down and actually focus on something? I had all my data, all my details… but putting it into words>? That was the tricky part. I didn’t want to make it seem like I was repeating myself either. My mother wouldn’t like that- she wants EXACT details. Yet at the same time, I need to be thorough, and also original.

HOW?!   
  
You ask me how, because I sure don’t know! I don’t know anything! I can tell you the names of a chicken’s anatomy, but I cannot tell you anything else.

I sighed, staring towards my window. The sooner I could get my report done, the sooner I can sleep anyway. Might as well just try and keep trying until I was satisfied. I could use the rest- my eyes feel like BRICKS. Don’t worry, they aren’t actually bricks, it’s a figure of speech and… yeah.

… I bet someone else out there in the world is having it better than me. What a dream! Imagine never having to worry about little things like reports, medicines, doctors, horses or therapy… or cows eating your hair and chips being banned from your diet… Ah! The life! I wish!


	13. Week Two - Lapis, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How someone else spends their Wednesday evening.
> 
> • LAPIS POV CHAPTER •
> 
> CW; mentions/act of underage drinking

Everytime I sneak out like this, I feel like I’m doing something illegal.

I have a home, I have a brother who loves me and everyone around him, I have a father and mother who also are the same. So why do I do this?  
  
The thrill. The fire. The… burning, the aching, the… _desire_ to feel wild and free. It’s every teenager’s dangerous dream. Poison or placebo, it’s a drug. I want the world to go away. I want my own freedom, a time to forget, dance, holler into the night and waste my time avoiding the ugly truth. I’d howl at the moon if I could.

I could get in so much trouble if Rose found out I sneak off to local parties hosted by frat boys or high school seniors spending their weekend with godly intent while their parents are away. She and Greg can NEVER find out. Neither can Steven. As nice as he is, he would eventually tattle. I know him, and he would do so. He doesn’t understand either. He’s a kid. He didn’t have to endure an orphanage, being broadcasted on the news as the “little girl lost at sea”, and he didn’t witness… death.

It’s like what girls obsessed with a certain band say; Don’t threaten me with a good time. I’m going to take it, and I will take it with pleasure.

“Horse girl! Yo, what’s going on?” A boy my age waved me over as I approached the house in the neighborhood. I got lucky that this wasn’t a long walk- just down the street down the hill we lived on and into the urban life just outside our quiet countryside. A few times before I had to take a very late bus to some parties, and no way was I going to risk using a horse.

“Hey, Buck,” I greeted, my hands staying in the pockets of my black jacket.

“Lapis Universe, back from the painting biz!” A girl beside Buck chuckled warmly. “Where you been at, girl?!”  
  
“I don’t do painting anymore,” I shrugged, coming to stand with them. “I thought I told you after I gave you my last painting, Jenny.”

“Crap, I didn’t think you were serious! Aw, I’m sorry. I really liked the last one you did. Hey- how about this? I’ll cut you a deal, I’ll commission you to make me something,” Jenny offered.

“... Really?” I raised a brow.

“Sure! Your paintings are absolute fire. Plus, hey, we business women gotta stick together and support each other. What do you say to thirty for a painting of a tiger?”  
  
“Tiger King?” Buck mused.

“That’s hilarious,” Jenny grinned. “No, it’d be for my sister. It’s only fair she gets something to decorate with too. There’s no other better painter than Lapis that I know.”

“Well… I guess I could,” I scratched the back of my neck.

“Great! I can pay you the next time I see ya,” Jenny promised.  
  


Buck slowly shook his head., fixing his shades “I think I’ll get one too. Make it Joe Exotic, you know?”  
  
“Sure,” I giggled. “Sounds brutal.” Sounded like tigers were the hot topic.

“Hey! Sour Cream! Lapis is doing painting commissions! Are you gonna get something too!?” Jenny called over another boy. He had pale hair and always had a pair of headphones on him whenever I saw him.

“Painting commissions?” Sour Cream mumbled.

“Hell yeah painting commissions! Remember the one that Lapis gave to me? The one with the girl crying and her tears turned to orange butterflies halfway? This is your chance to get something just as cool!”  
  
Sour Cream scratched his chin. Then, he caved. “Alright. I’ll get one.”   
  
“What’s the order?” I asked, feeling calm surrounded by my friends and their support.

“Mm… anything neon,” Sour Cream hummed.

“You got it,” I said. Neon tiger it is. “I’ll… see what I can do. Might take me a few weeks.”

“It’s no problem, girl! You’re fine. I know art takes time,” Jenny reassured. “How’s your brother? Is he doing fine?”

“He’s fine. Always worrying about Lion though,” I replied.

_We all honestly are…_

“That poor kitty...” Jenny sighed.

“My condolences,” Buck said.

“What about your therapy sessions? Do you still help Rose with those?” Sour Cream spoke up.

“Sometimes,” I answered. “Mostly just with Painting Mondays or Fun Saturdays.” 

“We should start heading in. I can hear the music getting louder,” Jenny suggested. “Up for drinks, Lapis?”

“Always am,” I smiled.

“Looking forward to senior year after this summer?” Buck asked.

“Not at all,” I said.

“Word,” Sour Cream agreed.

I followed my friends inside, finding that the house this party was held in was crowded. Just my kind of style. Dancing, partying, drinking… It's the life of a troubled teen that wants to have fun and not have to worry.

“DJ is open,” I nudged Sour Cream. “Go get it.”

“Woohoo! Turn it up, Sour Cream!” Jenny encouraged. We both watched as he went to go claim the empty seat, smoothly taking control of the surround sound. Buck too was pleased. He snapped in rhythm of the song that Sour Cream began to mix, other people in the house giving hollers of whooping joy.

“Now THIS is a party,” Jenny commented.

Buck nodded.

“Just wait for everyone to become drunk, and this will be a wonderland,” I joked. We made a quick stop at the cooler to grab some drinks, sticking together for safety in number and to enjoy the company of each other. Buck primarily stuck to soda, but me and Jenny chose something with more spike.

After a while, I stepped forward to begin traveling further into the party with my friends, only to be stopped by someone who rudely shoved themselves in front of us, bumping back into me. My opened drink splashed onto me from the contact, splattering into the fabrics of my clothes. “Hey-“

“Hey yourself-. … Wait a minute. I know you. Lapis?” 

My blood ran cold. I forgot about my sticky clothes immediately.

_… Fuck._

“Kevin, come on. Watch where you’re going,” Jenny huffed, trying to speak over the music.

“Rude,” Buck tsked at Kevin.

“Next time, I’ll aim a bit higher,” Kevin smirked. “How’s it going, Lapis? Back for more?”

“More?” Jenny sounded confused. “What’s he talking about?”

“Don’t deny it babe- why don’t you tell them about the one time we began to-“

“Give me one good reason to not chuck your balls up your throat,” I warned, pointing an index finger in Kevin’s face.

He whistled, backing away some. “Easy, easy.”

“Alright, you need to leave her alone,” Jenny scolded. “Back off, Kevin.”

Kevin rolled his eyes, flashing finger guns at me before he slowly ran a hand through his hair. “You know where to find me,” he winked at me. Then, he finally fucked off.

I was fuming.

“Ugh, why was he talking like that?” Jenny gagged.

I hardly even heard her. I blankly stared, my eyebrows knitted with frustration. “I gotta go,” I blurted. 

I wasn’t having fun anymore. I just wanted to go home. 

I think Jenny was calling after me, but I honestly didn’t care. I had dropped my drink without a single care, my jacket still wet and stinking with alcohol. I marched out of the house, my mind louder than my surroundings.

This wasn’t my night.

I shouldn’t have come here.

_Fuck you, Kevin._

And fuck everyone too while I’m at it. I was in no mood for tomfoolery. I felt like I wanted to see the world burn.


	14. Week Two - Peridot, Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot finally talks to someone she would rather not talk to at all. It... goes ah... let’s say interesting.

_ What would it even be like to ride a horse for someone who isn’t scared of giant horses? _

As I led Edmond around some more, I watched a rider in one of the bigger grass pastures. They were on Gunter, one of the other horses here on the property. Probably either another client here or someone who lived here. I couldn’t tell- they were far away.

_ Gah… what’s the point? I can’t even lead a horse around without having difficulty- just imagine actually BEING on an equine. All the more responsibility and training... _

_ And anybody can ride a horse, it’s nothing special... _

Edmond rested his head beside my hip, letting out a snort. He was letting me know that he wanted to walk, at least from my understanding anyway. He didn’t even start doing this until I was allowed to take him wherever on the farm. It’s… kind of…  _ cute _ ?

_ THAT’S SO GROSS TO SAY. BLAH. _

“What do you want?” I said, pushing his head off of me. I frowned when he did it again, being very persistent. “... Big-headed cotton nanny…” I muttered.

_ Horses are… confusing. _

_ Somehow, this is supposed to help me with my therapy? Pfft! _

I rubbed my hands together, keeping the lead rope in one of my palms so that Edmond wouldn’t suddenly run off. I tried asking my mother yesterday and this morning for the name of the medicine she uses on my hands for future reference, but she brushed it off saying that I’d have to ask my doctor. Which… is kind of hard to, as she only mainly talks to my mother. I don’t really see her much unless I’m actually sick  _ sick _ , you know? Like dying sick? Well, not exactly a DYING sick, but I usually only see her for physical checkups…- that sort of thing.

My hands are healing well though. I’m still wearing gloves, but they should be off by tomorrow. As soon as the red marks are gone, I can remove them. I don’t wanna scare anyone either if I took them off too early. Skin heals pretty well if you have a good immune system; three to seven days usually is how fast mine heals, unless it’s deep then it takes about a week or two.

I knelt down for a minute to tie my shoe, noticing that it was untied. I didn’t want to trip while walking Edmond. I’ve been doing well after Camp Pining Hearts ended. I’m still drastically upset about it, but the ambiguous ending? AGH, I LOOOOVE IT! It’s open for fans to decide what happens and who got together and that means-

“EDMOND!” I gasped, realizing he was chewing on my hair.

_ So horses CAN ALSO EAT HAIR. _

_ THIS IS A FARM INFESTED WITH HAIR-EATING ANIMALS-! _

_ I WILL  _ **_NOT_ ** _ BE FOOD! _

I pulled away from Edmond, shaking my hair out and standing straight. I considered cutting my hair a few times before like how some guys cut theirs- short and spiky or just combed back, maybe slicked forward, I don’t know. Right now it’s… a mess, really. It sticks up like bedhead hair unless I comb it. My mother usually arranges a salon visit or a grooming trip if I require a haircut. My last one was a month ago I believe.

I think I’ve been out for a while already. I made my rounds around the entire farm at least three times. And Rose said that she would come get me once Edmond and I had a chance to bond a bit more… You ask me though? I think we have bonded enough. Just look at him EATING MY HAIR.

I could do one more round around the farm… oh! And I heard that there’s chickens here- maybe I could just sneak on over there and get to see some in person! I’m not sure if I’d get in trouble though. My mother would NOT be pleased if so. Perhaps I could just take Edmond around the barn or stables again instead. He's the only horse I feel alright around. Nice and small, but until he began eating my hair I liked him. Now I just don’t mind him. You hear that, Edmond?

I began to walk forward, Edmond close behind me as he steadily followed led by the rope. I turned him around so that we could head away from the pastures, a galloping noise approaching quickly from the side where the pasture lay. I looked up.

_ Ohnonono- OKAY EDMOND, LET’S GO. _

I do not want to talk to Lapis. At all. The rider on Gunter was Lapis, and that was who was riding beside the pasture fence. Gunter slowed. I bit my bottom lip, the big horse on the other side of the fence holding his head up. Edmond didn’t seem too bothered on the other hand, he was calm and tiny as always. I clenched the lead rope even tighter, trying to move faster.

“... So. You told Steven on me?” Lapis finally spoke.

I stopped, bothering to look at her and flash her a confused frown. “Told him what?”

“I tried to help you properly groom a horse. Why did you twist it?”

It took me a few seconds before I understood what she was talking about. But that also means… did Steven say something to her? Something about what I said? “You mean when you viciously attacked me?”

“I didn’t ‘viciously attack’ you,” she air quoted. “You’re stepping pretty cocky for someone who offended Volley.”

“How am I supposed to know that I offended her?! I was asking a genuine question! I’m curious!” I defended myself.

_ I honestly DID NOT know that I offended her until after I already blurted out my question! It’s not like I can read minds and instantly know what’s going on or what happened! _

“Don’t you know when something is insensitive?!” Lapis muttered.

“Coming from you! You keep saying I have autism or Down syndrome when I don’t!”

“That was like ONE time,” Lapis rolled her eyes. “I only said what I heard about you.”

“Twice! Three times possibly even!” I corrected her. “Why are you bringing this up? This happened last week. Can’t you just move on?”

Lapis’ muscles in her chin and throat clenched.

Getting fed up, and also a bit scared, I decided to resort to something I rarely do- stand up for myself. My emotions were…  _ everywhere _ and my heart was racing, I felt kind of… anxious? while talking to Lapis right now. So I… I just did what felt right, what came first. I began to talk without thinking  _ again _ . It’s my weakest trait. I know- it’s bad. “I’m sorry if I offended anybody or if I hurt you, but you’re hurting me too by acting like I’m a nuisance!”

“Are you not?” Lapis deadpanned. I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not.

“I am NOT autistic,” I said, approaching the pasture fence so that I could be closer to Lapis. Edmond followed, as usual. “Can’t we start over? Or something?”

“Then why are you here?” Lapis challenged. “Nobody shows up here without a reason. What’s yours?”

“I-“ I froze, thinking about it. “... I’m here because my mother sent me here! She says that this place can try and benefit me.”

“That doesn’t answer my question. What are you here for?” Lapis pressed.

“I already told you-!”

“Anxiety? Crippling depression?” Lapis listed. 

I was getting overwhelmed. I couldn’t think straight. I felt nauseous and dizzy. My head was echoing with every thought as they crashed into each other. I tried to be nice and Lapis didn’t listen-! “At least I’m not here for PTSD unlike you!” I shouted.

Now it got super quiet. 

_ … Oh shit. _

_ Oh nono-. Steven told me that. And I just… said it actually to Lapis’ face. _

_ Oh god I’m dead. _

_ I’m dead imdeadimdead. _

Lapis got off Gunter, hopping off the saddle. She came up and leaned against the fence. “... And you better be fucking _grateful_ you aren’t.”

I was shaking, backing away immediately. At least there was a fence between us. Otherwise, I was sure that I would be dead now.

_ At least now she knows how I feel. _

_ Don’t say that. That’s mean-! _

_ Is it? _

_ I think it is… _

_ I don’t know. _

I lightly tugged on the rope, motioning Edmond to follow me as I hastily began to walk away. So um… I probably messed that up. A lot. By a landslide. Uh…

Yeah, I should get out of here. I could feel Lapis’ stare burning a hole in the back of my head. I didn’t want to tell Rose or anybody about it either; I mean, I was… rude. Right?

_ “What are you here for?”  _ Her words kept repeating in my head. And even when I asked myself as I left, I couldn’t find the answer to that question.

_ I’m here because my mother is making me come here in hopes that I will become a better functioned human being suitable for future work in society.  _ _ She just wants to help me. _

_ … I need to learn to keep my stupid mouth shut. _

_ I can’t record this otherwise my mom might get mad at me or be upset that this isn’t working for me. _

_ I’ll keep quiet about it.  _

_ I just… need to never talk to Lapis ever again. _


	15. Week Two - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot tries to work things out.

So yesterday was a total disaster. That was the best I could summarize it. 

I don’t know why, but things that Lapis said became engraved in my head like embroidery in terms of how it sticks to my brain the same stitching sticks to fabric. As I wrote my report last night for my mother, all that I could think about was one or two quotes in particular.

_ “Be fucking grateful you aren’t.” _

_ “Why are you here?” _

Why was she so… touchy and invasive? Why did Lapis need to KNOW everything about me? I didn’t want to be enemies with her or anybody! She started it!

Argh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m taking this too personally or too seriously. I don’t need someone negative like Lapis in my life!

… If only I had the metaphorical balls to actually say that.

One of the good things to happen to me involved finally being able to take my gloves off. My mother checked them over for me and then applied some ointment on the more deeper scars to help them heal faster. She did this before she dropped me off at the equine center, but the ointment bugged me because it meant that I would get the material on my fingers if I used my hands too much. So it was awkward everytime I tried to hold something or pet anything.

Rose let me take Edmond wherever again, but this time with a twist; He would be blindfolded, and depending on how much he trusted me, he would move with me accordingly. Rose said that it’s a one time thing, and that Edmond was perfect for the job as he had done this before with various other clients. I’m not exactly sure why it would matter if he was blindfolded or not while being led around? But… eh, whatever Rose said. She also said she would ask me some questions afterward about our cooperation, so...

It was tricky at first. Edmond did not want to move AT ALL and it kinda broke my heart. He budged eventually when I tugged a bit more surely and confidently on the rope, leading him from the stable to the barn just to warm up the exercise.

_ “Why are you here?” _

I snapped my head up, stopping. Edmond did the same. I really hated that my mind wouldn’t forget about the stuff Lapis said. It was messing me up!

Edmond began to graze on some grass nearby while I scratched my chin, looking around. I could take him around the barn and back to the stables… I was avoiding the pastures in case Lapis was around there again obviously. But as I worked on figuring out a route, I saw someone that I didn’t mind being around emerging from the barn with a shovel in hand.

“Oh- oh Steven! Hi!” I excitedly waved. I guess I could consider him a friend? I mean, I’d rather hang out with him than Lapis. And he actually in a way understands me and doesn’t get upset at me! Plus, he taught me Chutes and Ladders! He’s like the first friend I ever had! 

Steven waved back with a smile. “Hey Peridot! Mom still has you working with Edmond?”

I slumped my shoulders. “Yes. It’s… a work in progress,” I huffed, glaring at the pony. 

“Aw, I’m sure you’ll both get on the same page eventually. He’s super understanding,” Steven said, shovel at his side.

“What’s that for?” I pointed at it.

“This is for the garden- mom wants to try and start some last minute plants so I was gonna go plant something,” Steven explained.

“Can I come with you?” I asked.

“I don’t think you can. Mom doesn’t like when the sessions get off course. Hey- but there’s always Saturday! Tomorrow you can do what you want,” Steven suggested.

_ Ugh, I want to forget Fun Saturday. _

“I don’t think I’ll come tomorrow,” I murmured.

“Why not?” Steven frowned, saddened by my news.

“Well uh… gah- I’m still working things out,” I did my best to word together. “Besides, nobody would care if I’m there or not,” I laughed.

“I’d care! Who else am I supposed to battle off in with board games? Everyone else talks about teen stuff like kissing. They don’t play board games most of the time,” Steven said.

“I just would rather not show up,” I mumbled. “I… did some bad stuff and I-“

“What kind of bad stuff?”

I gulped. “... I dunno. I said some stuff and Lapis said some more stuff-“

“Is she still bothering you? What did she say? I can talk to her-“

“NO! Nononono-. That’s okay, thanks,” I brushed off. “Besides, I started it and then I ended the conversation on a sour note. I just wish that I… could get a redo.”

Steven scratched his head. “What about a gift?”

“What of it?”

“You can make Lapis a gift like an apology letter.”

“What would that do?”

Steven shrugged. “Maybe it’ll help her see how sorry you are and then you guys can restart.”

“Gifts help people apologize…?”

“Not exactly but-“ Steven did his best to break it down for me. “- if you did something nice, I bet Lapis will apologize too. Then you guys can start over.”

_ What makes you sure that Lapis would apologize too? She SHOULD. _

“I’m sorry that she’s like this,” Steven sympathized. “Lapis is super tough at first. But I promise she’s really nice when you get to know her.”

_ He’s not lying… I’ve seen her around Steven… _

_ She is capable of being nice, she’s just a jerk to me. _

_ Why is this so hard? _

“What kind of gift?” I finally decided.

Steven shrugged. “I have lots of paper and colored pencils. What about tomorrow during Fun Saturday, we can make something for her and I can get her to come over?”

_ Well, he sounds sure… _

“If it has a high percentage of working, I guess that it can’t hurt to try,” I agreed.

_ I just hope I don’t make things worse... _


	16. Week Two - Peridot, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot tries to befriend Lapis.

“That’s an interesting drawing method,” I commented as I watched Steven draw. “Where are the noses?”

“It’s part of my art style,” Steven smiled, finishing up his doodle. I was working on the writing portion of the card that we planned to give Lapis, even if I was having troubles putting the right words down. I didn’t have much anyway; I wanted to make the first draft, then revise it, and then put it down in sharpie once no mistakes are assured. 

_ Dear Lapis: _

_ So we got off on the wrong foot. That’s bad! I want to propose that we begin on a new foot. You know, I say my name and you say yours, even if we already know each other we need to press reset. Wait… actually… that’s useless. Let’s restart but not introduce with names! We can pretend that we already know each other, just with no hostility. What do you say? _

_ That sounds stupid… _

I ripped up that draft, tossing it aside with the other crumpled papers. I had to get this right! How?! 

“How’s it coming along?” Steven peeped.

“Not good,” I groaned. “Over thirteen drafts and none of them suit my fancy.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be complex,” Steven reminded me. “Just simple and sweet.”

“I am anything BUT simple, Steven,” I said past clenched teeth. “And if I say the wrong words, Lapis is going to be my mortal enemy FOREVER!” I dramatically fell backwards on the hay bale, for once grateful for Fun Saturday. Only because of course it means time for me to try and fix damage that I have done without my mother judging me or saying no. She doesn’t even know about this. It makes me anxious.

“What about showing her your sweet instead?” Steven prompted.

“Show her my sweet?” I made a face.

_ I mean… sure if that’s what will work… _

“Peridot, what are you doing?” Steven interrupted.

I stopped what I was doing, my hand still on my shirt. “What? You said show her my sweet. That’s my belly button, right?”

Steven cracked up with laughter. I don’t know why.

* * *

  
  


By the time that we had about an hour left until it’d be time for me to leave, we had a card all set and ready. I didn’t have any writing piece to go with it however. Instead, I just drew a picture as well on the back of the card, a picture of a small cat. I’m no artist so it honestly sucks. But I tried. That’s what matters, or so I’ve been told.

I’m just… gonna wing the writing part in the form of actual verbal words instead of on the card. I am no way good at words either way, especially in this situation, but perhaps some instinct will form over me and I’ll do fine? I did public speaking a few times under the training of my mother…

I was nervous, truthfully. Steven assured me countless times that it would go fine and that he was there for emotional support, but… I couldn’t help but think about what if it all went wrong. I was alone in the barn when he went to go fetch Lapis, which didn’t help. My head was THROBBING with so much uncertainty. I could make a newfound friend or a deeply rooted enemy out of Lapis.

GYAH I wish that I had some chips right now… or some fries. Honestly, anything would do. I'm super hungry right now. At least I have a high metabolism. My mother says I should watch what I eat anyway so that I don’t get too ‘round’. I don’t know what’s wrong with round though. Chickens are round, right? And I think they’re adorable.

_ THAT STUPID WORD AGAIN-! _

“- can I see now?”

“Not yet, Lapis. Here, you’re almost there.”

_ Uh oh. _

I had to collect myself quickly when I heard the familiar voices. I gathered the card, then bolted outside of the barn. Steven was standing outside with Lapis who had a hand over her face blocking her vision. Steven saw me and nodded.

“Okay, you can look now,” Steven said.

Lapis removed her hand, her facial expression quickly changing to one of disappointment when she saw what was going on.

I held the card out, my hand a bit shaky. But I kept up my confidence, or the best I could keep it anyway. “Tada!” I started off. “Now, I know what you’re thinking; this may seem like a ridiculous act of gifting bestowment. But! It is anything but- this is a custom card that Steven and I have worked on just for you. This is the beginning of my sincere apologies that we got off on the wrong foot, and my hopes that you will accept it and that we-“

“Wrong foot?” Lapis muttered.

“Don’t interrupt me please-“ I frowned.

“Steven, what’s going on?” Lapis asked him.

“Peridot wants to start over. You guys kind of… did get off on the wrong foot from what I’ve been hearing anyway,” Steven explained.

“I’m trying to talk-“ I spoke up.

“Why?” Lapis kept talking to Steven.

“She’s just trying to be friends, Lapis,” Steven defended.

“With  _ her _ ?! No way,” Lapis firmly shook her head.

I lowered the card, my hopes plummeting. 

“At least give her a chance,” Steven sighed. “She’s been super hung up about it.”

“Poor taste,” Lapis scoffed.

_ I want to throw myself at a wall. _

“Please, Lapis?” Steven begged. They started to talk some more.

I already know this is a failure. What’s the use anymore? Frustrated, or upset more I should say, I tossed the card aside and then began to march off. I’m sure that Steven tried to call for me to come back, but I didn’t listen.

_ Argh. _

_ Stupid Lapis. _

_ Stupid horses. _

_ Stupid Edmond. _

_ Stupid, stupid, GYAHAHAAAAAAAA. STUPID STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID-. _

I kicked a fence as I headed out toward the pastures, causing the tip of my toe to be wracked with pain as soon as it made contact. So that was my fault. But I’m still angry.

_ I TRY and where do I get?! NOWHERE! It was a waste of my time!! _

_ I should’ve known that this wouldn’t work. I was too busy being enthralled with Steven telling me otherwise that I didn’t listen to my gut! _

I scratched my head, running my fingers through my hair a few times. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t just yell into an abyss. There wasn’t any around and plus I didn’t want to put my oxygen to bad use. 

_ Just accept she doesn’t want to be friends with you. There’s plenty more to befriend! Like… uh… Amethyst! Yeah!  _

_ … Do I really wanna be friends with her? _

_ Could be fun, I don’t know. _

I didn’t stop scratching my head until I found a secluded spot by a pasture fence, sitting down and crossing my arms. My face felt hot and my arms felt sore. My feet too. I wanted to leave.

_ I should’ve seen this coming. Who would want to be friends with me? I’m just… weird. And… _

_ … Am I crying…? _

I can’t cry, tears are for babies. And if I cry, that means I’m an infant. I am NOT an infant. I’m a grown woman who just sucks at socializing who for the love of whatever god there is can not comprehend why there’s a turkey-.

Huh.

There’s a turkey just standing across from me.

Must be a resident here. Pretty big and kind of… huge. I think it’s a male, I’m not exactly sure. He looks… round.

I blankly stared, unsure of what to do. “... Hi,” I finally said.

That’s when the turkey started running at me. Full on- CHARGING - at me. I panicked. I quickly jumped to my feet, making a hard turn on my heels in order to escape. I may- might’ve?- no I definitely screamed in the process. I ran as fast as I could, not even realizing I was heading back to Steven and Lapis.

“- she may never come back again. ...Oh, look, she’s coming back again!” Steven commented happily when he saw me.

“AAAA! HE’S CHASING ME!” I screamed, running right by them both. Steven was dumbfounded, Lapis just gave me a look. 

“What’s she mean by- uh oh,” Steven gulped, turning to see my pursuer. “Tom! Hey, Tom! Tom, no-!”

“Steven!” Lapis cried out, pushing him aside in order to save him as the turkey kept at it with his rampage. 

I slipped, getting dirt on my clothes and face as I fell. Steven was shielded by Lapis from the angry turkey. I took a moment to try and readjust, fixing my glasses- curse nearsightedness- while mentally screaming about where the turkey was.

“He got out  _ again _ !?” Steven groaned.

“Go get the gloves,” Lapis told him.

I heard gobbling behind me. I got even more dirt on myself, flailing about like a whale on the land, ungraceful and blobby. I am a living blob. The turkey was still heading towards me. So I kicked my legs up then got to my feet and ran again.

I felt something peck at the inside of my knee. The turkey was close, I was  _ screaming.  _ He was on me, flapping his wings and continuing to peck at my pants. One peck even got me good on the thigh.

Is this how I’m gonna die?! At the WINGS of some… some overgrown, plump, round, fat turkey?! At the BEAK of this fowl?!

I’m so dead. I am d-e-a-d. Goodbye, Peridot, goodbye cruel world-!

I shook my leg, a very poor attempt of getting the turkey off me.

I am gonna die like this?! This is so… embarrassing…

But then a miracle happened. I had to blink a few times to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming. The weight of the turkey was removed. I stumbled forward, turning around to see what happened. Lapis held the turkey with her bare hands, keeping him confined.

I stopped, gasping for air and staring in shock at the turkey. “Oh my gosh… thank you-“ I managed to get out. “Thank you-“

“Sure,” Lapis nonchalantly shrugged, stepping to the side so that the turkey couldn’t make any more attempts to kill me.

“No, really, I mean it! That bird was going to-“

“He’s just defending his flock,” Lapis said. “We keep him contained so that he doesn’t do this to the clients.”

… Oh. So she didn’t do it out of kindness. She did it because it’s a mandatory thing for her to do. My feelings dropped a bit. “But you still saved me when you could’ve let him peck me to death,” I pointed out.

It was quiet. Then Lapis spoke again. “I sure did,” Lapis monotoned, walking away with the turkey.

_ What kind of response was that?! Was she being sarcastic or sincere?! Why are girls so CONFUSING!?! _

I mumbled under my breath, Steven running up with some gloves. “Hey, Lapis-!” He began before realizing she already was gone. “Where’d she go?”

“She got the turkey then left,” I sighed.

“Oh that’s good. That means Tom will be put back in the coop.” Steven held onto the gloves anyway. “I’m sorry, Peridot.”

“It’s fine,” I said, crestfallen. I rubbed at the places on my leg where the turkey had gotten me. Nothing too serious, just some ointment and a bandage or two would be necessary.

* * *

  
  


My mother was pulling up. It was time to go. I sulked as I watched her vehicle come into the farm. Today was… a mess. I began to walk towards the car, my mom busy cancelling or rearranging appointments on her cell phone to even look at me and make sure that I was coming.

“We can try again next time?” Steven suggested as he followed me.

“I’m good,” I declined. I just wanted to sleep. 

Maybe I’m not cut out for friends. I mean, there’s Steven but he’s not exactly… well, I want friends in my age group if that makes sense. I don’t want to be friends with little kids forever. I wanna fit in, I wanna be included, I wanna  _ feel  _ included. I wanna feel like an actual high schooler instead of the nerd who everybody avoids. I’m more than that! I am! I know I am…!

_ I know I am… _

I was about to open the car door and hop into the passenger’s seat until someone tapped my shoulder. I jumped. CAN PEOPLE  _ PLEASE  _ STOP DOING THAT-

“... You forgot something.”

I spun around, meeting Lapis. No way. Why was she here? Steven was behind her, giving a nervous grin. Ah. He planned this, and finally somehow by some way and some luck Lapis finally was willing to cooperate…-?

I examined what Lapis had for me; it was a few feathers of various sizes and colors. Mostly they were white or brown, some striped. 

“Er… what are those?” I asked.

“Chicken feathers,” Lapis rolled her eyes. “Take it before I change my mind.”

I looked at Steven again. He was smiling more confidently, gesturing that I take the feathers. So I did and I stuffed them into my pocket since my mom would have a fit otherwise about how unsanitary they were.

“T-thanks…” I said quietly.

Lapis walked away. 

“I told her that you might like them,” Steven clarified for me. “My mom mentioned chickens before after one of the sessions with you, so I thought you might like it. We found and cleaned some up for you.”

“I… love it,” I echoed faintly. “Thank you.”

I got into the car before my mother could have a fit about how I was taking forever, the chicken feathers still in my pocket. 

_ Steven says that he found them with Lapis, for  _ **_me?_ ** __

_ Then that begs the question; did he do this before I tried to give Lapis my card, or after Lapis took the turkey? _

_ Why would she do this for me? I’m assuming that Steven convinced her to try and be nice to me maybe after the turkey encounter… _

I stared out the window, my mom driving out of the farm once my seatbelt was on. I was glad she didn’t say anything to me. I... thought about the feathers in my pocket. Lapis definitely only did it because Steven persuaded her to, but... she still saved me from the wrath of a ticked off turkey when she could’ve just walked away or watched me. Why? Did she actually have a heart after all under all that gross tar?  



	17. Week Two - Lapis, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis POV chapter!

It’s not hard for Steven to convince me into doing something with him; a game, an activity, going to milk the cows or ride a horse with him… I may be four years older than him, but he’s got a way with words. … And puppy eyes.

It’s been a bit tougher for him however now that I’m older. Some things I can say no to- nicely- but other things I still cannot say no to. What am I supposed to do when he asks me to collect eggs or find some cool rocks? I can’t say no! I can’t!

In all my years, I never thought I’d be a big sister. I felt, and still kind of do feel, out of place as Steven is the biological child and I’m just the adopted one. But if you have seen us, you’d swear we were both blood related just by how good we get along.

He has been bothering me lately about Peridot this and Peridot that. Am I wrong for wanting to avoid her after what she did? After telling me to my face that she somehow knows about my trauma and being rude about it just because I was asking her why she was here? She said it herself, it’s curiosity. If she can ask Volley about her eye, then I can ask Peridot about her reason for being here. Simple. It’s a two way street here.

“How’d it go?” I asked as Steven returned, the car that Peridot had gotten into speeding away. Thank god. I didn’t know how long I could stand waiting for her to leave. She’s not… bad, she’s just…  _ annoying _ .

“She likes it!” Steven announces joyfully.

I faintly smiled. “Great,” I gave a thumbs up. “Tom should be good for the next few days. I fixed the break in the fence where he got out.”

“You got him with your bare hands?!”

I showed off my hands, a few scratches evident but no damage other than that.

“Whoa… you could’ve gotten an infection,” Steven worried.

“I’m fine,” I assured him. “Rose can look at it later. Besides, rooster spurs are worse.”

“No, not later! We gotta tell mom now do you don’t get infected!”

“Alright, alright. As you say,” I scoffed with amusement. I let Steven take my hand, leading me over to Rose. She was checking on Tom after making sure that Peridot got picked up okay, and I’m sure that she would go overboard tending to my ‘battle wounds’.

* * *

  
  


“You’re so good at this,” Steven complimented, trying to match the screen perfectly.

“I do only play it like fifty times with you,” I joked back, scoring a perfect on the golden moment. 

I personally enjoy evenings like this when Steven and I can just… relax. Play games such as  _ Just Dance, _ make crappy churros with recipes we find on the internet, those sorts of things. It’s my guilty pleasure. It makes me feel like a kid again, a teen untouched by the cruel works of the world. 

I sharply jerked my hands up to match the character on the television screen, then bounced to the beat. I scored “great”. Steven on the other hand got a higher score than me, his points soaring above mine. I was kind of letting him win honestly. It’s rewarding to see how happy he gets when he gets the crown in the game. I’m a bad dancer anyway, it just makes sense to lose.

Once we finished up the song that we had been trying to complete, Steven gasped. “Five stars?! Lapis, I got five stars!” He boasted.

“Awesome,” I giggled. “Now we can finally move on from  _ Rock Lobster.” _

“Are you saying that you were getting tired of motion in the ocean?” Steven quoted the song as he teased me.

“But Steveeeen, his air hose broke,” I played along.

“Lots of trouble!” Steven continued.

“Lots of bubble,” I added.

“He was in a jam!” Steven grinned. 

We leaned in, saying the next part together. “In a giant clam!” We burst into laughter together, having too much fun. We got the night off after dinner, so we were able to play as much of  _ Just Dance  _ as we liked this weekend. And tonight was just the beginning. 

I felt… at home here during these times. I felt like I belonged here in this family. Greg would sometimes play with us too if we were on games like this, but tonight he opted out to save his poor back.

“What’s the next song?” I prompted.

“Hang on, I’m gonna check on the other one,” Steven said, taking out the current disc and inserting another one. My guess was that he wanted to browse more songs on other releases of this game series. “Umm… we can do either _Video Killed the Radio Star_ __ or this one- it’s called  _ Whatcha Waiting For _ ,” Steven said as he scrolled through the songs once it finished loading up.

I took a look at the two previews of each. “Second one,” I voted. “It looks cooler.”

Steven set up the game. I moved to the blue spot, and he moved to red. Then, it began. It was a rather easy song honestly. Compared to the rest? This had much more repetitive movements. Piece of cake.

There was just… something about the beginning of the song though and the theme overall that seemed to hit a chord with me however. 

_ “What an amazing time, _

_ What a family, _

_ How did the years go by? _

_ Now it’s only me…” _

“Hey, Lapis, are you okay?” Steven questioned me with concern laced in his voice.

“Hm?” I realized that I had froze. “- Oh. Yeah. I’m fine. Sorry, just spaced out.”

“It’s okay, it happens,” Steven consoled, unpausing the game to continue.

_ “Born to blossom, bloom to perish… _

_ Life is short, you’re capable.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I actually had to play Just Dance for this chapter to double check things I’m-
> 
> “Whatcha Waiting For?” Lyrics by Gwen Stefani


	18. Week Three - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot begins a new week.

I twirled the feathers around in my fingers, my eyes unable to leave the bristled surfaces. I was entranced with the feathers. I haven’t taken my eyes off them for a while now. Most of my morning included this activity.

_Chicken feathers… so far the closest I have ever gotten to actually seeing a real chicken…_

I could identify two of the feathers to be the primaries of the poultry. One other was down, and another was a secondary. There’s rows in the wings, and each row of flight feathers is addressed by name for identification. There’s the primaries and secondaries which I have already mentioned, then there’s the coverts, alula, and the scapulars. Usually there’s telltale signs of which feather belongs where depending on the length of the feather itself, the quill, and-.

Whoa, did they just kiss? I leaned in closer to my tablet, finally coming back to earth with the fact that I had zoned off during my fanfiction reading. I set the feathers down on my drawer, trying to refocus. Okay, Percy went over and did that…- Ah, I see now. Makes sense.

What if my life was a fanfiction? That would be so weird… Haha, and maybe something EXCITING would FINALLY happen. Like vampires at high school or being a werewolf- not in the Twilight way either BLECH. I was more of a Hunger Games person as a kid. … And Five Nights at Freddy’s. It’s uh… it was a phase I went through. Same with Bendy and the Ink Machine… Rick and Morty… You can kinda get the gist.

NOOOO-! THE AUTHOR HASN’T UPDATED IN TWO YEARS?! AWWW.

I turned off my tablet once I reached the end of the chapter, a disappointed sigh escaping me as I laid back on my bed. I recollected the chicken feathers into my hand, resuming to twirl them about. I was always so bored in the morning. Unless my mother had planned a meeting or some training course for me to take online, I never had anything to do during the summer. No friends, no mandatory social gathering to go to… Not even any more chapters of this dumb fanfiction that I had been invested in?!

_I’ll now never know if Percy got to figure out if Pierre is a vampire…_

I already finished my report earlier, so I’m expecting my mom to burst in and lecture me at any given moment. I know that I am going to loathe it too. No more chips and no more this… I so badly want to taste some cool ranch Doritos again.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“What do you mean no more Sundays? I thought I’d be going everyday. I didn’t even get to go last Sunday!” I disputed, near whining.

“Peridot, I don’t want to hear this out of you,” my mother shook her head, a very stern expression on her face. I slumped back in the chair, tempted to stare at the ceiling of her office. “Besides, I have been evaluating your reports. Taking one day off from a whole week won’t butcher you. You need the day to work on yourself.”

“Work on myself?”

“From home,” my mom cleared up. “Work on your appetite, your mannerisms, your speech and your… everything.”

_Thanks, that’s descriptive._

“With the extra money I can save by having you not attend on Sundays, I could invest in more medications or business meeting arrangements where you can get firsthand hands on experiences.”

_Wow. Fuuun._

I sighed. 

“Would you rather not learn any skills for adulthood?” My mom cleared her throat, noticing my sigh. 

I fixed my act quickly. “Ah- I mean, no, that’s fine. I… appreciate the thought,” I thanked her. 

_Even if I’m not stoked to actually go, I have to act like it._

_It’s the easier way for all of us._

_Today is going to be so boring._

My hands clenched around the chicken feathers in my pocket. It was going to be a fine day. A boring day, but a day nonetheless. I didn’t have my hands tied or my things taken away. I was in a stable position right now!

“I’ve read your report,” my mom mentioned.

I sat up.

“But- I have a question.”

_Huh?_

“Who was the boy and girl talking to you outside my vehicle yesterday? When I came to pick you up, there was a pudgy little boy and a girl with blue hair.”

I gulped. “Rose’s children,” I explained. “They’re Rose’s kids. They uh- live on the farm.”

“Don’t stutter when I’m talking to you.”

“Sorry ma’am.”

My mother didn’t ask me any other questions. It seemed like she was pleased with my report. I was so grateful for that. It was all smooth from there! Of course it was; I… kept some events secret. They weren’t written on my report. Things like my struggle befriending people? Nonexistent to my mom. I felt TERRIBLE doing that, but it was for the greater good. I needed to keep a low profile yet also impress her. I couldn’t get her involved. This was my battle to fight.

So no Sundays. Which… can give me an extra day to process what had happened yesterday. My mom didn’t tend to my scratches, I had to do that myself. She says that it's a lesson to be careful with ‘vicious’ beasts. 

But… I don’t know why? I mean, I just… I don't know what Lapis feels about me now is what I mean. Does she still hate me? Or are we good now? Otherwise, when I go back tomorrow, I’d have to deal with more distancing and awkwardness. If she doesn’t want to be my friend, she should go ahead and say it! But until then, I’m stuck in this limbo unsure of what to do or if I’m overreacting or hyperfixating on this one person. 

Perhaps I shouldn’t be so invested in one person. I want friends, and I want friends around my age who would understand me or get me. I could try and befriend Amethyst… Next Fun Saturday?

Who knows. This is gonna be an interesting week. I have a feeling it will be.


	19. Week Three - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter some of you have been waiting for...

“If you don’t want to ride a horse, what would you like to do?” Rose asked me as I brushed out Edmond’s mane.

I thought about it. “I’m not sure yet,” I shrugged. “What else is there that I can do?”

“You could stick with Edmond, giving him walks and grooming him. Perhaps I could teach you how to even feed him?” Rose offered.

“Like he’s my pet?”

“In a way, yes. During your visits, you can assume responsibility for him.”

I studied the pony. “Hmm… what else?”

“If you like Fun Saturday, you could give Painting Monday a shot,” Rose gave me another suggestion. “It’s all up to you, Peridot. I know that your mother contacted me about cancelling appointments on Sundays, but I don’t want your experience here to feel insignificant.”

_So I can either be further glued to Edmond, or risk something like Fun Saturday again but on a different day. Hm…_

“If neither peak your interest, then let me know things you like and I can accommodate,” Rose added.

“I’ll… let you know when I’ve thought of it,” I decided.

“Of course, take your time.”

I finished detangling Edmond’s mane, giving him a pat on the shoulders.

_I can’t just tell her that I like things like chips or certain fandoms- this is a HORSE center. She would think that I’m crazy and then contact my mother then my mother would know and I- AAA. Yeah, no._

“How was Fun Saturday for you anyway? I’ve heard you’ve attended the last two,” Rose smiled. “I hope that they were just as exciting as they sound.”

_My first one was a wreck and my second one too._

“They were pretty great,” I half-lied. 

“Any favorite moments you had?”

_Getting attacked by a turkey maybe HAHA._

Then, I remembered the chicken feathers I kept in my pocket today. The same feathers that Steven and Lapis had gotten for me. 

“Actually-“ I interrupted, turning to Rose. “I… have one suggestion. But- I’m not sure if it would be allowed within your guidelines given that this is an equine therapy and not an avian one.”

“Avian?” Rose hummed.

“Yes, poultry. I want to know if it’s possible that I could possibly… be in the same radius of proximity to a chicken.”

Rose chuckled. “Would you like to meet our flock?”

I gasped, dropping the brush.

_WOULD I?! YES!!_

* * *

  
  


“Oh my gosh- YOU ARE SO…-“ I inhaled deeply through my nostrils, “CUUUTE.” I’ve despised the word. But what else can I use to describe the chicken in front of me?! I couldn’t believe this was happening- I wanted to run laps and squeal with joy. I am NOT some kind of little schoolgirl, but have you SEEN these chickens?!

Rose shooed some chickens aside after closing the gate behind us. I’m assuming the more aggressive ones or ones that were just in the way. “You can hold them if you’d like,” she softly grinned. “Pick them up with both hands, and make sure to not grab them by their tail or wings.” She knelt down, and grabbed a golden chicken.

If I was a gymnast, I’d do somersaults by now. I shakily reached out towards a white hen, patting my leg a few times like I was calling a dog. “Here chicken chicken… chickie… Gah, whatever your name is.”

“That one’s Daisy,” Rose informed me. “This one here is Mary. She likes being held the most, so you can hold her if you’d like.

Of course I would! Oh my gosh!! 

I stood straight, my arms out. Rose stood up then helped place the hen into my awaiting grasp. I wrapped my arms around the chicken to secure her, making sure that I wasn’t being too rough or too tight either. My heart was filled with glee. I smiled big, my feet tapping. “Hi there, Mary!” I exclaimed.

“You seem to like chickens a lot,” Rose mused. “I don’t blame you, these animals can be quite funny. That’s what I love about them.”

“I- I’ve never held a chicken before,” I admitted. “And I’ve never touched one before either- my mother says that they’re full of diseases and that they’re disgusting.”

“Does she?” Rose raised a brow, seeming a bit hurt to hear that.

I nodded. “But! That doesn’t matter- this is the most HAPPIEST day of my life!” I exclaimed, fighting back the urge to snuggle the poor chicken. Poor thing… having to deal with me.

But I FINALLY get to actually see a chicken! IN PERSON! HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! HAHA!

Monday? The BEST DAY EVER!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I get to go to a ranch this weekend... so more real life writing notes and inspirational material that I can pull soon!


	20. Week Three - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> // Lapis POV chapter. While Peridot is in heaven with the chickens, Lapis is another story.
> 
> This chapter I strongly advise is like... 16+ rated due to mentions of sexual themes, drug use, and heavy topics such as depression/suicidal alludes. There isn’t anything explicit, it’s just... more of a mature chapter that I highly recommend is for older audiences.
> 
> TW: Alludes to depression/suicidal thoughts  
> CW; drug use and sexual themes (underage sexual acts, Lapis is 17 in the flashbacks and so is Kevin)

_I… don’t know how it led to this. One minute I’m craving for a feeling like I’m sitting on top of a throne made of infinity, the next I’m lying in the wake of my own mystery. A naturally born outcast, a lone wolf straying from the pack, I’m a girl who desires it all only to lose it all._

_I rolled up the joint in my hand, my body at ease. I had the blanket wrapped around my nude lower body, my focus on the dumb little joint._

_I’m not exactly proud of this being how I lost my virginity, but I’m desperate for a feeling that isn’t familiar. I’m a sucker not for pain, but for the feeling of being alive. I want blood, guts, and I want a cherry on top of it. I want to burn a bible, I want to burn my own hair and fingers, I want to make the whole world go away. I’d burn it down if I have to._

_“For a girl I’d call goth, you don’t seem to know how a joint works,” Kevin commented._

_“It’s not goth, it’s just me,” I replied. Once I finally managed to get the joint prepped, I reached over for the lighter on the drawer and lit it. I’ve never had marijuana before. This was going to be my first- and damn… it was disgusting. The second I went in for a drag, I coughed._

_Kevin snickered._

_“Don’t-“ I coughed, “-laugh at me, dingus.”_

_“What? It’s funny,” Kevin scoffed. “You’re so innocent.”_

_“I am_ not _innocent,” I hushed._

_“Sure you are, angel.”_

_I rolled my eyes. “Jerk.”_

_“If you need help with that, give me a call,” Kevin proudly boasted, sitting at the edge of the bed._

_“Put a shirt on already,” I teased, sniffling before I took another drag and forced myself to not cough._

_“No round two?”_

_“With your attitude?”_

_“Tch. Now you’re being mean.”_

_“Am I?” I raised a brow childishly, keeping the rolled joint between my thumb and index finger. “You’re the guy who cried over losing his pet turtle.”_

_“Hey- I’m still sensitive about that,” Kevin frowned. “And he had a name.”_

_“Fingerbang, I know,” I laughed. “Rest in peace, little guy.”_

Kevin was… the kind of guy who had a heart. He’s the kind of guy who I know- he encourages so called bad behavior like smoking or drinking, but he’s also more than that. He’s funny, he’s charming, he’s got this whole glamor about him. He’s the reason why I thought I was straight for a good chunk of my life in my junior year. Turns out I lean both ways as far as I’m aware. Mainly towards women now. I don’t know. I don’t associate with labels. I just exist then die when my time is up.

… Yes, I lost my virginity to him of all people. And he’s a fucking horrible person now. I regret being with him. But before that… he actually was someone. He used to be a good person. I used to hang with him last year. A lot.

I hate that people change. When people change, it’s always for the worst. That girl that used to be in my math class named Spinel was right about that. And that night last year I believe was the breaking point in which began Kevin’s descent to become the jackass he is today.

_“You’re so warm,” I whined, the joint in my mouth as I wrapped my arms around Kevin from behind. I leaned into his back, pressing my cheek against his skin. “And sweaty.”_

_“You are too, vampire princess.”_

_“Scumbag.”_

_“Vampire_ queen _, I’m sorry, baby,” Kevin snorted. “God, you’re so picky.”_

_“Diss me again and I’m going to burn your balls off,” I joked._

_“With that piece of grass in your mouth?”_

_“Clean off,” I warned. I coughed again on the joint, deciding I had enough for now. I put out the embers by applying pressure, then tossed it aside on Kevin’s drawer. “You could’ve just kept partying outside with everyone else.”_

And it was true. We ‘hooked’ up ‘officially’ in his room at a party hosted at his house in our junior year. I still find it ironic since they teach us kids abstinence, only for us to be rebellious and sleep with whoever we wanted. Mine just unfortunately happened to be Kevin, but at least I knew better and used protection.

Only thing was, I wasn’t his only hookup.

_The door opened, and we immediately did our best to cover ourselves._

_“Seriously?” I gave a glare over at him, knowing that he didn’t lock the door to give us privacy._

_“Kevin?” The girl who walked into the room stared at us in shock. “Who’s… this?”_

_“Sabina-! Ah- this isn’t what it looks like-“ Kevin sputtered._

_I felt my heart skip a beat. He knew this girl…?_

_“This is exactly what it looks like,” the pink-haired girl tsked, disappointed. “I’m no fool.”_

_“Who’s she?” I asked Kevin, disgruntled._

_“I’m his girlfriend,” the girl huffed. “Kevin, what the hell-?”_

_Girlfriend._

_Which meant…_

_I turned to Kevin, then began to gather my clothes back up. He was using me to cheat on someone else._

I haven’t been the same since. I used to believe everything he said; things like how beautiful I was, how strong I was, things that… I wanted to hear as bad as drinking poison. 

It was all a _lie._

I haven’t been the same since. I used to believe in fairytales and other dumb kiddie things. Now I’m cautious, now I’m wiser, now I don’t let people in unless they deserve it.

_“Lapis, angel-“_

_“Kevin, you LIED to me?! You said you were single-!?”_

_“I-“_

_“I SLEPT with you! I TRUSTED you-!”_

_“Baby-“_

_“Don’t you DARE call me that. Don’t you FUCKING dare-!”_

And he went downhill from there. I had to avoid his girlfriend during school hours, as I was unsure what kind of person she was. Kevin on the other hand became more narcissistic, more boastful, to put it blunt he became a creep who doesn’t know the difference between being an asshole or being a jerk. He’s a tomcat that fucks every girl who comes crawling to him. It’s disgusting. I feel sorry for all the people he’s slept with.

Which… of course includes me.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it ever since that one Saturday when Amethyst asked me who I kissed. I didn’t want to go into details yet I was goaded into saying half the truth. Then came Peridot, and yes, Steven, I know that I’m… cold towards her, but I have my reasons. Reasons you can never understand. Reasons that include why your big sister… is a liar herself.

I dashed another score of blue paint across the canvas, then dipped my paintbrush into purple. My canvas was becoming vivid with life. I was taking forever though thanks to constantly mentally tuning out.

“That’s so beautiful…” Blue mooned over my painting, leaning over to take a look from her own canvas. 

“Not as pretty as yours though,” I shrugged, observing her painting. She was an expert with realism, and it showed. She was painting the Golden Gate Bridge with butterflies and deer closer to the viewer grazing on grass, a daytime sky in the works overhead.

“Comparing to another artist doesn’t do well for the mind,” Blue commented. “You’re great in your own way.”

“Thanks,” I awkwardly said. I continued painting out the swan on my canvas, creating feathers by blending paints until they fined into paler colors at the end. The swan had its head dipped down towards the water, a moon cascading onto the surface and its face twisted into melancholic serenity.

Sometimes, I wonder what my own swan song would sound like. That is, if I ever sing again.

Sometimes, I want to run away from it all without a swan song at all- let the people decide if they’d miss me or not, if they’d hear me or ignore me. I could swim among the rivers of the forgotten, oceans of the fallen, puddles of the nobodies. I could fly into another world where I could finally once more see the faces of my parents down to the last root of their hair to the strain in their eyes and wrinkle of their skin.

I’m a swan myself, and my song is becoming futile. I’ve lost sight of the shore in which people would welcome me gladly. All I see now is a sea of miserable memories. My feathers are ragged, my beauty beaten and bagged. On the surface, I’m still that gorgeous swan, but inside I am the ugly duckling of my youth, the truth I would never tell. And nobody is allowed to see her. I’m keeping her caged, and I’ve clipped her wings. That ugly duckling I am keeping silent.

I’ll never be played again.

I’ll never trust, I’ll never open my heart so vulnerably. I’ll never be a fool. I’ll never be entranced or entrapped.

I’ll never sing again.


	21. Week Three - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot learns about a tradition with Fun Saturday.
> 
> CW/TW; Internal ableism, allude to themes of depression/mental illness, unhealthy parenting, parental abuse (it’s Peri’s mom of course...)

Rose and I have been a bit more on the same page ever since she showed me the wonders of the chicken coop. I mean, I’ve been able to actually  _ enjoy  _ my time here a little bit more since, so that is possibly a large factor in our understanding of each other.

Rose has begun to ask me questions again, mostly things such as me and Edmond working together, how I’m feeling, and my favorite activities or animals… stuff that personally I think isn't necessary. It irritates me sort of. But, I say nothing and I suck it up just as if it’s my mother telling me about how a Zoom meeting works or how to properly introduce myself in a meeting room. It’ll be over with soon I just gotta endure it.

Steven will occasionally come by and join me or give me company, while Lapis on the other hand I still rarely see around. I still work with Edmond, but now at least fifteen minutes before I have to leave, Rose lets me go see the chickens. It’s a great system if you ask me personally. I wish that I had spoken up earlier- I could’ve been able to see the chickens earlier than now. But… I can now. So who am I to complain?

I just finished up my session for today, so it was time for the chickens. My most favorite part about coming here now of course.

Only thing is… my reports are now… lacking certain details. I mean that as in I’m leaving out parts of my report regarding how my day went or what I did- to put it blunt, I’m…  _ lying  _ to my mom about my day. It makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel like a criminal, but she wouldn’t understand!! How would she react if I told her I’m petting chickens instead of going full gear in trying to do whatever I’m here for? She hasn’t even told me exact details of why I’m here! I still get vague responses and unclear answers. I’m doing the best I can with the information that I get to withhold as she chooses what to share with me! At least she loves me. I know she does. I… know so. Sure she hasn’t hugged me or verbally said it, but people love differently.

“What’s she doing?” I muttered as I held a chicken in my arms, staring out towards the barn where Lapis had a large canvas sprawled outside on the ground. It was held down by a brick in each corner, and I think maybe some palettes or something around it? I’m… unsure.

“Painting,” Steven said from beside me, wrangling up some chicks. He laughed as two chicks kept pecking at his shoe, and he knelt down to pick them up. “Awe, evening to you too guys,” he cooed to them.

“That doesn’t look like painting…” I mumbled, still confused. 

“She does super big ones sometimes, so she has to put the canvas down on the ground,” Steven further elaborated for me. “She uses acrylic for those ones mostly. She likes using watercolor the most though. Mom is getting her a huge kit for her birthday this year- but don’t tell her. It’s a surprise!”

“This year? How old is she?” She acted like she was six, so I assume that she was indeed six, haha! … That's a joke, she’s not six, at least I don’t think so.

“She’s seventeen, but she’ll be eighteen in September. She’s a Virgo.”

_ She’s older than me? What gives?! I don’t turn eighteen until next year! _

“At least she’s not a Scorpio,” I mused. “Or Cancer. … Gemini…”

“I was supposed to be a Gemini, but I’m a Taurus,” Steven shrugged, petting one of the chicks. “Hey, maybe tomorrow you can see the newborn chicks. They’re much smaller and their wings are still tiny too. They’re inside the garage.”

I lit up at that idea. “I would love that,” I grinned.

“Amethyst is coming tomorrow too. We should all play another game! One that isn’t about adult stuff like kissing!”

Agh. Right. Fun Saturday… Almost forgot about it with all my sessions this week. If I had to be frank; this week I was more focused on the chickens and the questions Rose would ask me or what grass Edmond would try and eat instead of my schedule this weekend or what my mother has planned for me business wise. 

I pet the chicken in my arms, softly stroking its head. “What about Chutes and Ladders?”

“That’s a fun game, but I don’t think Amethyst likes it,” Steven frowned. “Plus she cheats a lot- don’t tell her I said that.”

“Hmm.” I put the chicken down, watching as it strutted off.

“Oh-! Actually-!” Steven set the chicks down as he just had a thought, and I watched the chicks wander off to their mother. Steven lit up. “Mom always takes us to Crystal Falls for Fun Saturday at the end of every month. Would you like to come with us? You’d have to ask mom for a permission slip since she usually doesn’t invite new clients until they’ve settled a bit. The permission slips are so that your parents can know what’s going on and so that they know you’re safe with us!”

“Tomorrow, right? Instead of Fun Saturday we attend whatever that is?”

“Yup!”

“What happens at this… Crystal Falls?”

“It’s a river about twenty minutes away from here. We drive up there and do some hiking to get there, and it’s super fun! There’s a waterfall that you can jump into the water from, there’s salamanders and there’s frogs, it’s a pretty neat place.”

“So… swimming?”

“If you want to.”

I was torn; I know how to swim, but only a little, like the simple stuff. On top of that, I’m… a bit self conscious when it comes to my body. I would rather eat a thousand sourdough loaves instead of even remotely get dressed near someone else. So imagine swimming when I’m in a bathing suit. All the ‘unnecessary fat’ and weight on me that my mother can’t seem to help me burn off… 

I bit my bottom lip.

Steven must’ve noticed my internal anxiety because he tried to assure me. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. But since mom would be taking us there tomorrow, you’d probably get to stay home instead of come here.”

_ Stay home? And do what? I already have to do a billion boring things at home, double now that I don’t come here on Sunday!  _

_ Would it really be worth it going? _

_ I could just not swim… _

“Who’d be coming?” I asked.

“Me, my dad, my mom, my sister, Amethyst, maybe Blue-“ Steven listed off using his fingers. “It depends honestly.”

_ Bleh.  _

“Maybe you can think about it?” Steven suggested with a hum. “Trust me, it’s super duper fun.”

“Gah… alright, I’ll think about it. But! I cannot make any extreme promises on anything. My decision to go or not is entirely situational and can change at any predictable moment depending on the exact details,” I decided.

_ Like swimming or not swimming and all that… _

_ It  _ could  _ be fun or could be a total nightmare. Should I take the chance? _

_ I’d have to convince my mother… _

Bit by bit, I’m slowly coming out of my shell more. I’m starting to understand some social conversations and metaphors a bit more too. Maybe this could… benefit me?

* * *

  
  


It was easy to acquire a permission slip from Rose. Steven was there to help and explain how I knew about this trip, and Rose being the person she is seemed more than happy to give me said slip. Only problem is… my mom.

No, it’s not a your momma joke. It is literally my mom. It's terrifying. What if I said the wrong word? Or what if I only solidified the decision of her not letting me go?

Do I want to go? Of course I do! It’s either that or I’m here doing MORE of my boring life! Trapped! Caged! What if my mother makes me try another method to get rid of whatever is infecting me?! She cares about me but… it’s just she does it so much that sometimes I feel more like I’m an animal being experimented on instead of her actual blood born daughter that is a human being that deserves their rights.

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears as I headed into my mom’s office. The permission slip was held in my hand, and I kept it at my side for now. I knocked at her door.

“Come in,” she called, granting me permission to come inside.

I opened the door, clearing my throat and standing tall. “Hey, mom. Ah… so I have something I’ve been meaning to ask you-“

“For how long?” My mother questioned.

“Since today,” I said honestly. “It’s just a small matter that has to do with my therapy sessions, they correlate with each other.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No! Nono, not at all. It’s just… um-“ I held out the permission slip. “I have this for you to sign. I…” I placed the paper on her desk, hands going back to my sides. I stared at the floor. “-Would be the most grateful and would appreciate it if you could take a look at it, ma’am.”

My mom raised a brow at me, looking up from her computer. She had multiple files out on her desk underneath where I put the slip, and she also had some pens and sticky notes laid out. In the corner of one file, I could tell it was a recently printed update of my reports. 

_ I shouldn’t have done this-. _

I forced myself to look up, knowing it was the social polite thing to do. It’s hard for me to make eye contact but… I could focus on the dark eyeliner and eyeshadow that my mother had on. That seemed easier for me to accomplish.

I watched with anticipation as my mom took the permission slip, beginning to silently read it. I clasped my hands together, slowly rocking on my heels. 

_ Why does this feel like forever? _

_ Am I sweating? Or is that tears? Idiot, tears don’t come from foreheads!! _

_ OH MY GOSH MOM PLEEAAASSEE. _

_ … What if she can read my mind? _

_... _

_ HI MOM HOW WAS YOUR DAY?! I LOVE YOUR HAIR. IT'S THE SAME COLOR AS MY HAIR HAHA. THAT’S FANTASTIC- THAT’S GREAT, WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!! … How am I supposed to make that emoticon face using words inside my head? The one where it’s like a grinning happy open mouth-. _

“This doesn’t sound like therapy. It sounds like an excuse to avoid doing any work of actual therapy,” my mom finally spoke at last.

I blankly stared. 

Uh…

“Well- the thing is-“

“How is any of this going to be beneficial? How is any of this going to fix you?” 

I had to think about it. “... Social skills?” I blurted before I added on, “My social interactions could be elevated and greatly improved upon if I’m introduced to the real world in tidbits like this. This would not only benefit me, but consider how these skills later can also benefit in my apprenticeship to one day becoming just as well known and successful as you. Sure it’s not entreupenurship, but once I can metaphorically get my foot in the door for-“

“Peridot-“

“Communicating with others, I-“

“Peridot!”

I stopped, slouching a bit. “Oh. Um… yes, ma’am?”

My mother scratched the temples of her forehead. “How important would you say the possible benefits of this is?”

“I dunno, like… an eight?”

She paused, grabbing a pen. 

My heart leaped.

“Do you promise that if this nonsense proves to be just a waste of your time and a poor excuse-“

“Yes! I do, I do!”

“Peridot, I’m not done.”

I sat down in a seat. “... Sorry.”

I could tell one more screw up and my mother would say forget it. So I stayed quiet. I stayed good.

“If this proves to be nothing but a waste of time and doesn’t at all contribute towards fixing you, I want you to make me a very elaborate and descriptive report.”

I nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“I am not going to spend money just to have you stand idly by and do nothing. If this doesn’t work, I’m going to have to work overtime investing in vaccines and other ways to make you…” she stared at me with disgust, “normal.” My mom began to sign the paper. “Your father was never like this. My family comes from high heritage. This damage is all his work and I’m the one paying for it. You have  _ no  _ idea how hard it’s been for me to raise you.”

I awkwardly sat there. She never talked about my father before. I never even met him. All I know is that I got his middle name and also his last name. See, once I join my mother with her business, I earn her last name. But for now? I’m Peridot Oliver Price. Maybe one day I could be Peridot O. Diamond. One day perhaps I could be just as big and prospering as her.

_ I just wish that- you know, if it’s THIS problematic for her to help me, then maybe she shouldn’t have had me at all. Maybe if I wasn’t born I wouldn’t be such a burden on her... _

_ … Is that normal to think about? _

My mother handed back the paper. “I want to hear  _ everything  _ that happens tomorrow,” she strictly said as she leaned in.

And I nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’m gonna be experimenting a bit with possibly adding illustrations or pictures I’ve taken or made that were inspirations for certain scenes and settings within this fic. Just gotta do some tests first lol  
> I’ve also had some people ask me if they can make fanart of this series- go ahead! I’d love to see! The characters have loose designs I plan on drawing up/providing visual refs once I figure out how to insert pictures, but I’d also love to see how people imagined em!


	22. Week Three - Peridot, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot experiences Crystal Falls.
> 
> Buckle up because next chapter is Lapis POV during the same day.

“Is this even allowed? I thought this was therapy,” I commented, rather on edge ever since my mother strictly gave me orders last night regarding this trip. I had a mission, a duty if you will. I couldn’t mess up.

“Duh! This is the BEST kind of therapy, dude!” Amethyst cackled, hopping into the back of the truck. I watched her, a bit uneasy. Fun? At a therapy center…? Okay, maybe that was valid. I _did_ start to have some fun now that I can go see the chickens. Was this the next level of fun? What kind of therapeutic social gathering is this? I’m not used to fun if you couldn’t tell.

“It’s Fun Saturday!” Steven came skipping along to the truck. “I love these trips!” 

_My mother is so going to hate me for this… having fun I mean instead of strictly working towards making me normal..._

_But it’s not like she’s gonna know, right?! I just can’t mention it in my report is all!_

I could feel nervous sweat steam off my forehead at the thought.

_At least Amethyst doesn’t seem to hate me…_

_She doesn’t hate me right?! Even after a few days?! A week? Two even since I accidentally-...?_

_She doesn’t seem like she hates me…_

_Maybe she’s forgiven me._

_I still don’t know about Lapis though…_

I left the chicken feathers at home. I didn’t want to get them ruined. They were hidden in one of my drawers, as I wanted to be careful in case my mother ever happened to go searching.

Our group going to these falls consisted of Rose and Greg of course; then me, Steven, Lapis, Amethyst, and some… new person named Pearl…? Rose only introduced us to her this morning, they met in high school or something like that. It’s a cliche teenage friendship that blossomed and stayed even past those years. HOW? You ask me.

I held my small bag close to my chest. It was full of stuff that my mom packed for me; a spare change of clothes, my bathing suit- in case I decided to swim- a hairbrush, sunscreen, and a light sweater as well as a pair of flip flops. I was dropped off here a few minutes ago, and it was almost nine in the morning. It was definitely different than what I was used to. 

Rose saw me as she loaded up some bags into the truck. I slowly waved with one hand. 

“I’m so glad that you’re able to join us today,” Rose welcomed me as I stepped closer. “Here, I can put your bag in the back with the rest if you’d like.”

I nodded, handing over my bad. “Thanks.”

“Of course. I hope that you’ll have fun. I’ve never had someone say that they’ve disliked going to Crystal Falls.”

_That could change…_

I stepped away, letting Rose pack my things into the vehicle. 

“C’mon, Peridot!” Steven urged me from the truck, inviting me inside.

I rolled my eyes then caved. What did I have to lose?

  
  


* * *

  
  


The ride there was rather bumpy and a bit cramped. Rose and Greg took the driver and passenger seats, so that meant that Steven, Lapis, Amethyst, and I had to work with the space we had left. Luckily Pearl was there with her own vehicle too, so Lapis and Amethyst chose to go with her while I stayed with Steven in the truck with the packed bags. The best decision too if you ask me since Steven and I already get along great. We regretted not bringing a board game or some kind of card game to stay occupied with during the small ride to the falls, though our wishes were forgotten when we had actually reached the falls.

“Alright, kiddos! We’re here,” Greg announced, the truck slowing to a stop as he parked. 

I peered out the window. There were a lot of trees and long grass, weeds too by the looks of it. Some purple flowers, some rocks… the usual nature zing. A dirt trail was ahead of us, leading down a large hill. I’m guessing the falls were at the bottom or around that area anyway.

“Are the deer out?” Steven asked, getting out of the truck. I slowly followed, almost falling as I hopped out. Luckily I recovered quickly. Rose and Greg began to unpack a few bags.

_Deer? What-?_

“They should be, schnu-ball,” Greg said. “They’re probably hiding among the trees.”

“What deer?” I spoke up, scrunching up my nose.

“There’s deer that come out in the morning and around night,” Steven responded. “They’re out a lot when we come here early. One time, a deer stole my dad’s sandwich!”

“I hope he liked baloney and cheese…” Greg scratched his head after hearing his son tell the tale. 

“Some deer actually do eat meat,” I mentioned. “There’s been experiments and documentations of deer eating animals like squirrels, rabbits, birds, one even documented deer eating human rem-“

“Thank you, Peridot,” Rose interrupted, Steven looking a bit mortified.

“You’re welcome,” I puffed out my chest. “I’m not sure about cheese though.”

“We’ll begin the hike in a few. How does the North trail sound?” Rose called to Pearl who had just gotten out of her vehicle, parked a bit far from us to the right on the grass. 

“North sounds great!” Pearl called back, Amethyst and Lapis appearing from the car.

“Wait. We’re hiking?” I mumbled.

“Yeah! There’s two trails that loop around the mountain, and they take us back here. Once we finish, we go to the falls and swim!” Steven beamed.

Oh. Walking… blech. At least that’s something that I can base my report on for my mom.

“STE-MAN!” Amethyst bustled in for a high five from Steven.

“Grooooss! Amethyst, what’s on your hand?!” Steven cringed as soon as Amethyst made physical contact with his own hand. He began to wipe it off on his shirt.

“Sunscreen!” Amethyst laughed. “Don’t get burnt, man!”

My mouth gaped when I realized that Lapis was sneaking up on Amethyst. I remembered what Steven said before about how Lapis would even willingly break someone’s leg for Steven. Was she about to-?!

“Bah-bang.” Lapis softly slapped Amethyst’s face, both her hands coming to rest upon Amethyst’s cheeks. When she pulled away, there was sunscreen slathered on Amethyst’s skin.

I cringed. Is this what people did for fun?

Amethyst smiled wide. “Nice one! But you messed with the wrong cowboy!” She took a tube of sunscreen, chasing Lapis with it. “COME HERE!”

_… Okay then…_

Yeah, I’m glad that I don’t socialize often and don’t get into zany situations like what I just saw.

_Is this what friends do?_

_… I’m so lonely._

_Nobody can hear my thoughts, right?_

“Steven, are you okay?” I quietly questioned, waiting until Lapis and Amethyst had run off with their shenanigans before I asked.

“Yeah. It’s just sunscreen,” Steven chuckled. “I’ll get her back- if Lapis already doesn’t for me.”

“Both of you calm down! Don’t be so childish!” Pearl scolded, Amethyst tackling Lapis into the grass.

“Pearl is right, bring it in you two!” Rose clapped her hands. “Let’s hit the road!”

* * *

  
  


It was starting to get hotter as morning slowly crept by. I have never been in nature like this, but I’m learning that maybe it has been for my own good. Instead of hiking and seeing bugs and birds, I was always indoors with my mother online or attending economics courses that she set up for me. This was an entirely new setting for me. I don’t know if I like it.

“- poison ivy can be lurking at any corner;” Pearl finished her rant about poisonous plants and bugs, carrying a small backpack as she hiked with us.

I groaned, dramatically throwing my head back while I walked. Thank gosh I wore tennis shoes. I should’ve brought my tape recorder or tablet-.

“There isn’t any poison ivy, we’ll all be fine,” Rose assured.

“We’ve been on this trail before, and the only thing we need to worry about is pickpockets or wild squirrels,” Greg joked.

Pearl casted a look of disgust at him.

“How are you holding up back there?” Rose asked us.

“I’m doing good!” Steven twinkled.

“Still got my legs!” Amethyst snorted.

“Peridot?” Rose inquiried.

“I could be better,” I shrugged. 

“You got that right…” Lapis muttered behind me.

I turned my head to shoot her a stink eye. I thought we were supposed to be on better terms now-! 

_You gave me feathers, Lapis!!_

She’s a mystery, I’m telling you. I don’t even know if she was being sarcastic with me or serious which made me further confused.

_Was she even talking to me? Or just responding to Rose?_

* * *

  
  


The hiking so far was the worst part of this trip in my opinion. I naturally hold a dislike towards exercise, and I am forever grateful for my metabolism. Sure I have some fat on my thighs and some… unwanted weight on my chest, but I’m not unhealthy. If I was, my mother would help me fix it as soon as possible just as she is helping me with this whole therapy business!

I was so happy when it was over. We went up and down some hills, saw some wild rabbits, and Steven had pointed out an eagle’s nest up in the trees. It was the peak of the afternoon now. The temperatures were scorching. It was only then that I realized that I am also grateful for my regular appointments being more towards the evening when it’s cooler.

Those who wanted to go swimming were invited to change into their bathing suits either in one of the cars or in the outdoor bathroom that was a bit ahead just before the plaque with the name of this wild hotspot. There were a few other signs around it decorated with fonts stating to not feed wild animals or be cautious of certain snakes, and I was most intrigued by the descriptions of some newts or frogs that lived in this area.

“Are you going swimming?” Steven walked up to me, all set to swim and wearing a pair of red swim trunks.

I was wearing my sweater which was covering up my bathing suit underneath it. I had put it on just in case I ever happened to change my mind, but so far I felt certain that I was going to avoid the water. I just… didn’t want other people to see me. Judge me… that sort of ordeal.

“Meh, I’m still thinking about it,” I said. “How shallow is the water? What is the average temperature? It is freshwater too, right?”

“It’s pretty shallow until you get more towards the actual falls,” Steven started. “And it’s cold until you get used to it.”

Interesting… I didn’t feel convinced.

“ARE YOU GONNA STAND THERE ALL DAY? ROSE SAID LET’S GO!” Amethyst cupped her hands on either side of her mouth to help increase the volume of her voice, shouting at us from a distance. She was wearing a purple two piece swimsuit. I wish I had the confidence to do that.

Steven excitedly started to walk off. He gestured me to follow him. “You can hang out with me until you decide what to do,” he invited. “Or if you’re lonely and don’t wanna swim, I can sit with you on the rocks!”

“Thanks,” I gritted my teeth.

_I don’t know…_

_Maybe I shouldn’t swim…_

_Yeah, I like that idea the best. You are a genius, Peridot._

Steven and I caught up to the group. We headed onto a trail that took us downhill, the grass turning to rocks and dirt the further along we went.

“When we get there, I’m jumping off the top of the falls,” Amethyst bragged.

“If you don’t, I’ll push you,” Lapis said.

“Just don’t get hurt please,” Steven fretted.

I stayed mute, tightening the hood of my sweater around my face.

Rose must’ve noticed me because she stopped me while the rest of the group kept going. “Are you doing alright, Peridot?”

“I’m doing splendid,” I huffed. “I’m going to supervise from the sides.”

“At least give the water a small try. Greg and I will be barbecuing some hot dogs for later. I just want you to try and have some fun,” Rose encouraged. “Trust me, you won’t regret it. But, I also cannot force you to do something, so if you don’t want to swim, you can hang out with Pearl and I instead.”

I turned my head to spot Pearl in the corner of my eye. She was disappearing down the hill with the others, starting to talk about water bacteria or whatever. 

I’d rather eat a bug than be anywhere near Pearl.

“Ah… when I meant supervise from the sides, I meant in the water-“ I cleared my throat. “I’m going to be watching Amethyst jump into the water.” Good thing Amethyst had mentioned that too otherwise I wouldn’t know what words to say to sell my lie with.

_Lie…_

_I’m… lying…_

_OHMYGOSHIMLYING. NOT JUST TO MY MOM ANYMORE-._

Should I feel this jittery? Should I feel this nervous? Oh gosh-. 

_I’m spreading lies just so that I can avoid certain situations I don’t wish to be in._

_I NEVER lied this much before._

_Maybe I’m dying._

_Peridot, YOU ARE DYING OH MY-._

I took a deep breath in. 

“Oh! I’m so sorry, I assumed that you weren’t going into the water,” Rose bashfully said.

_I mean you’re not wrong-..._

“It’s fine,” I shrugged. “I would assume too. I can’t hold you accountable for my words that were… unclear. But, yes, I’m going to give swimming an attempt.”

_OHMYGOSHIMLYING._

_I think I’m sick. Do I have a fever??_

_MOM I WANT TO GO HOME NOW._

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this was a mistake…

I had to take another breath in. My body was slowly suffocating on itself. Rose and I returned to good terms fairly quickly, but I was still plagued with such weird feelings; feelings like debating if I liked it here, if I even wanted to try and go swimming, feelings like am I in trouble if my lying spree goes any further? Sure I’ve been keeping some details from my mother regarding my therapy visits, but that’s another story! For Rose… it’s different. She’s… nicer than my mom. She’s… more understanding than my mom.

So why am I lying to her? Why am I trying to fit in like this? Why am I…

I feel like I’m shutting down. I know that teenagers usually have super hormones which constantly battle each other, but like this?

When we actually reached the falls, my stomach felt sick. My heart is still beating, right? 

_I’m still conscious, yet part of myself isn't… here?_

I took a look around, gazing up at the large formation that composed the falls. There was a fairly large sized pool of freshwater where the falls deposited into, with some rocks and bushes decorating the surroundings. Definitely different from what I’m used to indoors.

_Is air supposed to smell this fresh?_

I felt like a small kid that was let out into a candy store giving away everything for free. I slowed to a pause in order to bask in the glory of the waterfalls. There were a few other people there, but it wasn’t a crowd. It seemed like only the locals gathered here. 

“DO A FLIP!” Lapis yelled at Amethyst as she climbed up the rocky side of the falls. 

“Amethyst, be careful!” Steven added.

Rose and Greg headed towards two park-style barbecue grills. I was unlucky enough to have Pearl watch what was going on beside me. I tried to move away but then she started talking.

“Such reckless behavior… they better not jump too close to the edge,” Pearl sighed.

I slowly started to back away.

I don’t know what to do. It’s obvious that everybody else is already having fun.

I’m not.

Maybe it’s because I’m not close friends with everyone or I’m just weird, but even Steven went to go play in the water with Amethyst.

I grumbled, finding some place on the rocks that I can sit underneath the shade of an old tree. It was a good distance away from the water too. I could be fine just sitting here during this visit, let everyone have their fun…

_I’m easily forgettable._

_I’m sure Steven won’t notice me either as long as I’m quiet._

_Ugh I wish I brought my tablet… could’ve kept myself occupied..._

Only weird thing was; Amethyst and Steven went to go swimming, Rose and Greg are making lunch, and Pearl is busy being like a lifeguard…

Where was Lapis? I didn’t see her anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // WOOT finally found out how to add pictures! So stay tuned for chapters being updated with some sketches or etc, and more!


	23. Week Three - Lapis, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis POV chapter!
> 
> CW; Contains brief mentions/talk of sexual content.

If it isn’t for Steven, I wouldn’t be here. I’m here primarily to make sure that he’s okay. I always am here just to ensure his safety. 

The thing about me and water? It’s… complicated.

It’s not saltwater, but I smell it the same.

It’s not the ocean, but it frightens me the same.

Anything to do with water? I would rather stay fifty yards away from it. 

I can’t get over that one night. The night when I lost everything… I was only a _kid_ yet I can remember the sting of the salt and the sound of the ship. 

Rose once mentioned before that some trauma victims are left with different scars. Some are jittery, some are more cautious, most cannot listen to things or go in places that reminds them of their trauma… for others, like me, I… guess I was left with more dangerous and bitter scars. People have different opinions on scars and how they heal. I know. Some say scars heal, some say scars don’t, others say wounds heal and scars just stay battle wounds. 

Sometimes, scars aren’t even scars. It’s the aftermath, it’s the disorders or actions that you pursue after in order to live with yourself each new day. Hypersexuality is linked with depression, anxiety… you get the idea. And I’m starting to see why. I… am not proud of myself when I say that I actively seek relief from my pain and suffering. When I encounter shame, guilt, sadness, or fear of my own future, I turn to… you know. It’s probably why I was so eager to hop on it with Kevin. Probably even why now I still act like a maneater without any manipulation. I’m addicted. I’m…

I’m a ruin.

I’m seventeen years old, almost eighteen, and this is how I waste my life away. I might’ve been in bed with a few other people… I can't remember. I’m like a living embodiment of Veronica from Heathers without the glory and gore. It’s so lewd and inappropriate. I shouldn’t even be doing this at my age. It’s _dangerous._ There is nothing romantic about it. There is nothing to be proud of about it. It’s a problem, especially if I start dragging other people into my sick kicks- I could even risk myself being put into the wrong situation that I don't wanna be in. Let me tell you, there is a HUGE difference between pleasuring yourself alone and then doing it with someone else, and using that as your only coping mechanism to forget old memories that haunt you. People will get hurt. Yourself included.

But I’m trying the best I can, aren’t I? I’m picking the pieces up and I’m trying to find positivity in my life again! I felt like a child again roughhousing with Amethyst over sunscreen, I felt like I could fly when I climbed the falls-!

I could do anything…

I’m just trapped in my body. I’m trapped in my past, my fears, the weight of my losses.

Nobody understands.

I’m making the effort. I’m trying to rebuild myself.

I’m. Trying.

“Hey, here’s another one. Catch.”

I reached out with my hands once I was told to, jumping forward a little in order to catch the small shell that was thrown my way. “How do you keep finding these things?” I snorted, my eyes glittering with adoration for the shell now in my hands.

“Practice. We come up here almost every weekend,” the other girl with me said. This is Jasper. She’s got this long bleached hair and I swear that her skin is crawling with muscles. Probably works out in her spare time. She’s eighteen and she comes from a local summer camp nearby that helps teens with anger issues and other likewise troubles, and sometimes we happen to meet up at the same time when Rose takes us on these trips. Her cabin is just beyond the falls after all. It’s a small little camp by the lake where the falls originates. Sometimes she sneaks out just to see me if I give her a heads up that I’m visiting.

Jasper and I met a few months ago during one of these trips before she attended summer camp. It was shortly after Kevin and I broke up before the end of my junior year. She was here with family and so was I. We’ve been in a way together since; mostly scrounging for shells up in the upper levels of the falls, hiding among rocks and pockets of water caves like snakes, and sneaking each other into tents or cabins. It’s tricky as we always have to time it right. We may have kissed once or twice... I can’t remember. It slips my mind.

I put the shell into the bucket that I had brought along with me, trekking further down the ravine at the top of the falls. The sun scorched my skin, my dyed hair like cobalt striking sky.

“What do you use these for?” Jasper huffed, stepping into the water.

“Collection,” I answered simply.

“That’s it?”

“Got a problem?”

“It seems… wasteful. What do you gain out of it?”

“Satisfaction.”

“Lame.” Jasper nonetheless waded a bit farther, then bent over when she spotted another shell. They aren’t as big or fantastic as the ones from an actual beach. They’re rather fairly small and delicate. Fine with me though- I’m not picky.

I stayed out of the water, remaining on the sidelines. My flip flops grazed over the rockbed while I searched for more shells. My eyes warily would dart towards the water, watching it with unease. I know that it wouldn’t suddenly jump at me, yet I still distrusted it.

Steven knows I don’t like to swim. And he would be too occupied with Amethyst anyway to bother worrying about where I am; out of view, out of the eye of Rose and Greg, I’m in my own little world where the river runs clean and where the fish cry faintly for remorse. As far as I’m concerned, this world has nothing but me and Jasper in it, and I’m heavily devoted to keeping this world safe and protected. 

When our shell searching manifestation had come to an end about an hour later, I looked around to make sure that nobody was watching or coming up the falls. Then, I put my bucket down behind a particular jutted rock for safe keeping. It was blistering hot, but I had sunscreen on and also a love for summer, so I can’t complain.

“Agh, found another one of those slippery runts,” Jasper ranted from the water, drying her hand off with her shirt. 

“You mean a salamander? Yeah, they’re everywhere,” I said.

Jasper lumbered out of the water, not even minding that her legs and the bottom of her shorts were drenched. “Disgusting. Puny water lizards.”

“Pick it up, I dare you.”

“No way,” Jasper declined. 

“Fine. Pick me up,” I crossed my arms with my chin up and closed my eyes. It took a few seconds until I felt the ground being swept away, and eventually I found myself in Jasper’s arms. “- I didn’t mean literally-!”

“What, you want me to pick you up for a date then?” Jasper laughed.

I squirmed before I settled down, just accepting it. “Depends… movie theatre?”

“Maybe.”

“Then maybe.”

“It better not be another whale or ocean documentary…” Jasper mumbled.

“If it isn't, then tonight I’m gonna be back on the dating apps.”

“You never even had one to begin with, Lapis.”

“That can change.”

Jasper rolled her eyes. “Brat.”

“Sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you. I don’t speak idiot.”

Jasper adjusted her hold on me, and I kept my arms crossed. She leaned in, tickling the skin on my neck with her mouth. “And I don’t speak fish,” she retorted.

“ _You’re_ the biggest fish I’ve ever seen, my god,” I pretended to gag, only to burst into a snort when Jasper tickled just beneath my rib cage with her fingers. “HEY! NO-!” I squirmed again, nearly falling out of Jasper’s hands.

“You should come back to my cabin. We’ve still got a few hours to kill.”

“I can’t,” I sucked in a breath. “Rose is making hot dogs.” My eyes went wide at the realization. “... Shit-! You didn’t hear her calling for me, did you?”

“Nope,” Jasper shook her head, putting me down. “All I heard is the water and you getting excited over shells.”

“Must be in a while then…” I assumed with a short shrug. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be eighteen soon? Why do you still live with her?” Jasper asked.

“I’ve still got my senior year to attend to after summer,” I explained. “And… I don’t have a job yet.”

“Why not just drop out? That’s what I did,” Jasper said.

“Jasper, I’m not… no, I can’t drop out.”

“Why not?”

“I need to finish high school so then I can get a job and-“

“You can get one without completing high school.”

“It’s better I just get it over with.”

“And go back to where everyone will make fun of you?”

I exhaled through my nose, trying to stay calm. “You don’t know me.”

“I understand you better than Rose or anybody else,” Jasper defended herself. “Does Rose know that you like apple snail shells the best?”

“Not… exactly…”

“Exactly. And does Rose know your favorite sea animal?”

“... Only a little.”

“Point proven. You should get out of there before they come to their senses and kick you out themselves,” Jasper murmured.

I flinched. Then, I moved forward without thinking, balling my hand into a fist and aiming it at Jasper’s stomach. “Don’t you DARE talk about my family like that-.”

Jasper easily managed to stop my fist before I could even land a hit. “They aren’t your family, Lapis. Your real one died.”

“They’re the only family I’ve had!”

“Hmph. Poor taste. You should realize they’re only using you to get clout- saying they’re so fantastic for adopting the girl who lost her parents on a cruise.”

“Just because your family didn’t want you doesn’t mean mine is like that!”

“Say that again,” Jasper snarled, turning around and roughly pushing me aside.

I stumbled, losing my balance on the rocks. It was with a horrified gasp that I realized I slipped, my life flashing as my body went limp and air whooshed past my head. I was falling. I was going to fall into the water and get swept away or washed down the falls.

My heart stopped beating, my eyes wide as saucers. I couldn’t feel the blood pumping in my body or the oxygen in my lungs. 

I swore that for a moment, just a small tiny second, I swore that I could see their faces.

“-Lapis!” Jasper’s voice slowly dawned on me. I snapped back into reality, my skin cold. I was stricken with fear like a wild animal that had been cornered in a trap. 

I hadn’t fallen.

I wasn’t in the water.

I’m fine.

Jasper had caught me just before I hit the water, and she was now slowly bringing me back up onto my feet on the rocks. I was trembling, struggling to regain my breath. 

“Lapis, answer me; are you okay?!” Jasper demanded, coaxing me to sit down on the rocks so that I wouldn’t risk falling again. 

I opened my mouth only to shut it again. I took a few more seconds before I dared open my mouth again, finally grounded. “I… I’m fine,” I slowly nodded.

At least, I believe I am. 

Jasper stared at me before she seemed to hesitate, like she wanted to do something but decided against it. Judging by the jumpiness and jerk of her arms, my guess was a hug. An extremely _rare_ act when it came to Jasper, as she was tough as stone. She stood straight, backing away from me some.

Once I was sure that I was stable after the scare, I too stood up. 

Jasper sighed. “I should go.”

I didn’t say anything. I sniffled, wiping my brow. In this kingdom, I’m queen, yet I feel so numb and desolate.

We said nothing more. Jasper and I departed, going our separate ways for now. I recovered my shells, heading back down the falls towards where everyone else was.

* * *

  
  


I wasn’t in the mood to eat, so I avoided eating the barbecued hot dogs for today. Instead, I sat on a bench, counting my shells.

When it was time to go, I gathered my things, then walked back to the vehicles up the hill with the group, bucket in hand.

Steven asked me if I saw him do a flip off one of the lower rock ledges of the falls. I lied, and said yes. I even gave a smile and a laugh. I avoided direct conversation regarding where I was or where I had gone. I lied. And with me, lies and truth go hand in hand. Nobody can know until it’s too late. I hate being lied to as much as anybody else, but this is for Steven’s own good. I can’t be brutally honest with him yet. This isn’t for people his age. He needs to stay out of it. Lying is good when it’s for the protection of those you care about.

Before we actually got into the vehicles however, I noticed somebody heading my way. Someone short, and someone who was blonde. I grimaced under my breath. I knew who it was. I threw a bag into the truck as I helped get all the belongings gathered back up for the trip home.

“Hey- uh- I- I want to properly thank you for the- the feathers,” Peridot finally spoke up. Did she always stutter that much? It sounded like she was overdoing it like a kid who wanted attention and was putting too much effort into it. It irritated me. I wanted to claw my ears off.

“Yeah,” I said back, mostly ignoring her.

“I feel like I- like I didn’t say my thanks enough, so I hope that you understand my immense gratitude for your gift.”

“Sure.”

“I sincerely do love the fea-“

“Peridot,” I snapped, “I get it.”

“Oh! I’m… sorry.”

I rolled my eyes, remorseful as I got into Pearl’s car. 

_I remember when I used to be that naive…_

_I know that Steven says I should try and befriend her but…_

I combed a hair lock back behind my ear. 

_Why should I open up to her?_

_Should I do it just for Steven?_ _What if I do so and end up getting betrayed or abandoned?_

_… Should I risk the chance like I did with Blue, Amethyst, Volley…?_

_… I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do._

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // So, what do y'all think of Jasper and adding illustrations?


	24. Week Four - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot struggles with her relationship with her mother, and also still denies herself.
> 
> CW; mentions of abuse, internal ableism, first half does not sit well if you have trypanophobia

“So this whole trip turned out to be a nuisance?”

“I didn’t do much, but… I did get fed and looked after-“ I attempted to reason with my mother.

“And none of it worked to fix you? This was all a waste of time?”

“I… can’t say that it did, ma’am…” I nervously murmured, backing away in my seat.

My mother was livid. She stood up from her seat, quickly marching over to me. “I’m not in the mood to waste more time on these fatuous sessions. It’s been almost eighteen years, and I have gotten nowhere with my works of helping you.” She snapped her fingers, and a duo of blurry people burst into the office. “I cannot understand you anymore, Peridot. I think the illness has affected your speech and damaged your brain. I must fix you.”

I watched with fear.

“I’ve invested all my savings into a vaccine. This WILL help you. And once you come back restored to me as a profitable being, only then will you be able to make it anywhere in life,” my mom huffed. 

The strangers grabbed both of my arms. I screamed, kicking my feet. “Mom-!”

“Take her away.”

I began to panic. Why was she doing this?!

_ MOTHER! PLEASE! I’M OKAY-! _

“Please bring back my Peridot. Heal her. If she cannot be mended, break her,” my mother began to fade away after she had spoken. I felt myself falling until my back slammed against a hospital bed.

_ Where am I? _

Straps fixed around my arms, keeping me in place. I didn’t know what was going on. Just when I was about to scream, I found more straps tied down my legs, and no sound came out of me at all.

Next came the needles. My skin burned as each one stabbed into me. I could spot some kind of IV bag to my right and it was starting to fill with blood and money.

I tried to shout.

I couldn’t.

“Quiet now,” a voice said, wrangling my hands into the grasp of open rubber bands and hot oil. 

“Can’t have that happen now, can we?” Another voice said, forcing me to stay still. “No more flapping, and no more avoiding eye contact. Look at me, Peridot! You’re becoming a human being!”

I wanted to die. My hands sizzled. I was becoming faint.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I was born, I’m sorry that I’m wasting time and money, I’m sorry that I’m hard to fix, I’m sorry that I’m not the daughter that you want me to be-.

...

…

I woke up in a cold sweat. I breathed in and out until I was calm, glancing around my dark room. I fumbled around searching for my glasses, my body shaking and my fingers twitching. 

_ I’m… I’m okay. _

I’m okay, right? I can feel my bed and my fingers, my arms and my head… Yeah. That was all a dream. I’m fine.

Earlier I told my mother about my report however regarding my trip, and the dream wasn’t too far off, just super highly exaggerated. She didn’t seem pleased, and she wrote stuff down, but nothing like my dream. She didn’t physically grab me and nobody came into our house, I wasn’t given any vaccine. I’m fine. It was just a bad dream.

I wiped my nose with my arm.

_ I hate bad dreams… _

My heart was still beating fast. I slowly sat up, deciding that I could stay up a while until I could fall back asleep. I finally located my glasses on my drawer beside my bed, finding my tablet shortly after. I powered it on, adjusting the brightness to suit my poor eyes.

_ I could watch some reruns of Camp Pining Hearts… _

_ Maybe play a game in the App Store… _

_ Something to take my mind off this with… _

_ What time is it? Gah- two twenty eight AM? That’s so early and so dark outside…  _

_ It’s Monday now, but I can’t start telling myself that in case I do go back to sleep and confuse myself thinking it’s Tuesday when I wake up again. So technically right now it is still Sunday, but also Monday.  _

I tapped on my downloaded videos, browsing through the various clips. 

_ Season two was alright… _

I clicked on a random episode, still a bit spaced out as I inserted my earbuds. 

_ My mom wouldn’t actually… do such a thing to me, right? She… loves me. _

_ I can’t tell her anything that might make her think this therapy thing is a hoax, she would only go deeper looking into more methods and throwing away more money. I feel… guilty that she’s spending so much on me. _

One time, I asked for an ice cream bar when I was little. I was twelve years old and it was a summer day. I wanted this Neapolitan ice cream sandwich from a passing ice cream truck, and it cost two dollars. My mother gave me the money to get one, but she also told me that I better enjoy it because sweets are only fattening and I was using her money for useless treats. I felt guilty about it even to this day. And that was two dollars. Imagine how awful I feel now knowing every session I take can cost seventy five or so and double that by six each week.

I somewhat was able to focus on Percy trying to calm down everyone before the camp games. I watched the screen rather intensely. 

_ Today when I go to therapy, I’ll… take it easy and relax a bit. I have to do something to show that my mother isn’t wasting her time and money on me. I can’t be exactly super precise in my reports of what’s going on or else she will be unhappy, but I can try and make it worthwhile for her without her knowing by making myself be more active. Maybe then this can work…  _

_ I have to ride a horse. Tomorrow, Tuesday I mean, I have to, no matter how tall or huge those horses are. They can’t intimidate me! Maybe then I can… _

I looked away from my tablet, my eyes drawn to the crescent moon outside my window.

_ Maybe I can help fix myself for her. _

_ I can be normal, mom. I promise. _

_ _


	25. Week Four - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis’ POV of Monday while Peridot has her daily visit.
> 
> CW; mild depression themes/alludes of depression

I threw down another brick in the corner of the canvas, making sure that the sun hit directly onto my large painting. Just one more layer should do the trick.. I could finish it up another day. I began to clean off my brushes and put my paints away.

“Ooh, I think this one is my favorite,” Blue smiled as she trekked up to see what I had finished up for today. 

“This one?” I snorted. “This isn’t my best, really.” I wiped my brow, my back hot from the sun hitting it all day. “What did you do?”

“I painted a moth with some morning dew,” Blue bashfully said. 

“Can I see?”

“Of course.” Blue encouraged me to follow her to her canvas nearby. When I saw her work, I was astounded. I was staring at the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. Blue is able to make such gorgeous and clean strokes with her paint. No matter how hard I try, I can’t match it. Her painting looks so real, I swear I feel like I could touch it…

I've been doing a bit better since Saturday. Things have been going the way they always do, and it’s… been easy to handle it. I just wish that I could see Jasper whenever I wanted so that I have somebody to talk to and hang out with when I am in one of my shittier moods- someone my age who understands me, but… It’s not like lying on my bed blasting music in my ears and crying in the bath or shower is any better. It’s nothing. It’s just mood swings. They’re common for me, sometimes they happen and there’s not even a reason for them. It’s normal. It’s something I just pull through. It’s life. It happens, I get it out, done. I’m born, I exist for a second, then I go into the ground. Yeeted. Buried. Never to be seen again. Whatever I need to do; paint, sit down, pet or take a horse on a trail, read some manga, take a long shower, I don’t know, masturbate? It happens, I do it, then I sit down again and wait around to die. We all are doing things until we die. Some of us, the things we do are… just to stay alive.

Other than that, I’ve been doing... good. So is Steven and everyone else in my family. We still make dinner and we all take part in raising the animals, we live the way we have always been. As a… family.

Blue went back to painting after I told her how amazing her work was, and I got everything of mine altogether to put away. I watched Steven and Peridot in the chicken yard as I passed by, carrying my paints and brushes back to the shed.

“Hey, Lapis!” Steven excitedly waved at me.

“Hey, Steven!” I smiled back, unable to wave as my hands were currently full.

Peridot on the other hand… I don’t know. She was busy holding a chicken and saying something to it. Steven laughed at whatever she said. I rolled my eyes.

_ Must I warm up to her? Please, Steven, give me something easier to do. _

I finally reached the shed, putting away my materials accordingly. I paused for a second when I saw what looked like a small bottle of pills behind some boards of wood on the top shelves, raising a brow as I resumed tucking my paintbrushes into their sorted jars. Must be for Lion. He did get a new prescription lately. 

  
But, as for the whole Peridot thing?

_  
I... guess I’ll try. Just for you, Steven. We’ll see. _

__

_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Short chapter! Sort of to help prep for what’s to come. There’s a reason I mention certain details in a chapter...   
> Aaand little doodles of Blue and Volley 🌸
> 
> Get your cowboy hat on for the next chapter, because Peridot is gonna get introduced to riding horses. YEEHAW


	26. Week Four - Peridot, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot rides a horse for the first time.

Yesterday went the usual; Edmond and I worked together as I led him around and he would eat some grass here and there or give a sigh when I pet his back, Rose observed me, yada yada YA. I did well for someone who had a nightmare. Bad dreams are just things to scare little kids with and make them pee themselves. … Okay, I’m still scared of them especially when they feel so  _ real, _ but I’m not a little kid and neither do I wet myself. It’s just a silly conjunction of meaningless images that play when you close your eyes.

… Do we unconsciously stare at our eyelids while our brain shows us our dream? Is that what sleep is?! Somehow, that helps heal our bodies and rest ourselves?! Oh my gosh.

Are we in a Matrix? Is this all virtual reality? What if this whole time this was like… some kind of dream I never woke up from? AM I IN A COMA?!

AAAAA.

I tapped Edmond’s hindquarters in order to get him to start moving. The pony gave me a snort as he lifted his head up from the clovers that he had been munching on, then he trotted forward with me.

Yesterday, I got the bravery to ask Rose about riding a horse. She was surprised, of course, and she said that today after I warmed up with Edmond, she would have Tracer all set for me, saddled up and all. So, I began to head back to the stables, deciding that I had a good while of leading Edmond around. I was… not entirely ready to get onto a horse, but… I’m doing this for my mom. Maybe she’ll see how much better I get with this and finally praise me! Ohohoho- I would  _ love  _ to see that. I, Peridot, the noble, taking on the most dangerous and frightening of tasks in order to conquer and heal! Known for her wits and valor, head of her mother’s business, the most rich and famous of all! Technician with the smartest solutions!

I marched into the stable, Edmond trailing behind me as I held onto the rope. I saw Rose in Tracer’s stall, finishing up with setting up the halter. 

“Ah, Peridot. You can take Edmond to his stall over there and take off his rope, he’s got a trough waiting for him,” Rose said when she noticed me, Tracer giving a whinny. 

I warily eyed Tracer as I did as told, the back of my head still thrumming with the thoughts of how unsure I actually was with this. What if I got up onto the horse and fell? Hit a knee? My head??

_ With any due luck, I hit my head and become even dumber or more damaged than my mother already proclaims me as... _

I removed Edmond’s rope. He eagerly leaned towards the trough full of water for him, already drinking away. Now was the moment of truth. Now was the time for me to try and… get onto a horse.

I’m nervous, I’m sweating, I’m sweating like a sinner in church, I’m dizzy I’m nervous I’m-.

_ Nuh uh. You can do this. You can… do this!  _

_ I… uhhhh… _

_ Oh my gosh can I do this? CAN I??? _

I walked over to Rose and Tracer. I held my breath. 

“I’m going to take her to the pastures. There’ll be plenty of room for you to practice the simple things first,” Rose explained, starting to lead the tall horse out. I followed, but also watched how close I was to the horse and definitely was careful near the back of the horse.

_ This is it. This is the moment of truth…. _

_ I… I can do this. _

I gulped.

Rose took Tracer and I to the vast pastures, unlocking the gate once we got to them and allowing us in. I noticed that someone else was there. I stopped for a brief second.

_ … Oh. _

“Lapis? Did you make sure that Lion got his pills today?” Rose asked the other rider that was waiting for us in the pasture.

Lapis nodded in response and gave a short thumbs up to go with it. She was with Harley, who was saddled up and ready just like Tracer. “I brought the helmet too. Should fit her if it fits Steven.” She passed over a riding helmet to Rose once they met, and Rose checked the straps of it.

I stared at Lapis, slowly rejoining the group. She seemed nonchalant as always. I can’t tell what she may be thinking unless she makes it super obvious. Her muscles are relaxed almost all the time that I see her.

_ I was NOT informed that she would be here.  _

_ Eugh… look at her… _

_ All dressed up so casually with that shirt and worn out pants… What kind of boots are those?? Why does she have the word ‘daughter’ on her shirt?? She’s adopted isn't she?? So what is she the daughter of? _

I only felt stupid when Lapis turned around, revealing lots of dates and locations on the back of her shirt.

_ Oh… _

_ It’s a… it’s a shirt from a concert.  _

_ … There’s a band named Daughter?? The heck??  _

I observed my own clothing. I was told by Rose to come wearing sturdy closed toed shoes, a light jacket over my top of choice, and long pants. 

_ I feel like a joke next to her… her clothes fit her fine and then here’s me… _

Yeah, I’m aware that I’m a bit… more curvier and a bit heavier on the hips than her by the looks of it. It just… kinda makes me feel more embarrassed about myself. It could be worse though. I’m not overweight, I mean… my mother makes sure that I am in healthy shape. It’s just genetics though- I guess from my father, with the parts where I seem to gain more quickly than other places.

_ Lapis looks like someone I wish I was. Nice, thin but not too thin… kinda sexy. _

_ … _

_ … PERIDOT, NOOOOO. NO. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT WORD OH MY GOSH!!! YOU CLOD-!!! _

_ AAAAAAAAAAAAA. _

I broke into a small laugh, amused by my own thoughts. Thank gracious that Rose and Lapis did not hear me or I would only be further flustered. I cringed, slightly digging one of my feet into the dirt as I inched my head into my jacket the way a turtle would into its shell.

_ Amethyst is heavier than me yet also seems to make it work. Rose makes it work... _

_ … Do I look okay? _

_ How come everyone else can make it work? But I… can’t? I feel so… gross. Ew. My clothes feel like a second skin stuck to my body… I feel gross. _

“Peridot? Peridot?” Rose waved a hand in front of me.

I blinked. “... Yeah?”

“My apologies, you weren’t responding and I got worried,” Rose sighed with relief. “Let me know if this is too tight for you, alright?”

“Uh… yeah,” I nodded vigorously. Rose helped me put on the helmet, and once it was adjusted to fit me perfectly, Lapis hopped onto her horse. How does she do that without worrying about how FREAKISHLY BIG these things are?!? She did it like it was NOTHING!

“Now, to mount a horse, put your foot into the stirrup here-“ Rose instructed, providing me physical images by pointing to what she was talking about, “- and jump up. Swing your body around until your other foot settles into the stirrup on the other side. Grab hold of the horn to help boost yourself up.”

“This is one of those Western models you mentioned before, correct?” I hummed.

“It is! I’m proud that you remembered,” Rose lit up.

_ … Proud? O- of-... of ME? _

_ Gosh, I… I've never heard that before… _

I was stunned. I couldn’t be for long however, as I do still have to get on the horse. I just have to… Ah… yeah uh… easy does it… I slowly inserted my foot into the stirrup, making sure I had leverage before I brought myself up onto Tracer. I wiggled around until I was comfortable on the saddle, my feet in the stirrups.

“Excellent! You’re a natural!” Rose beamed.

…  _ Why is it that her complimenting me like this makes me feel so… squishy inside? _

_ Squishy? _

_ AHA. Seriously, Peridot?! First sexy and now squishy?! HAH!! _

“Now what?” I said.

Harley suddenly began to move forward at a gentle pace. Lapis held onto the reins as the horse walked off. I stared, flabbergasted. How did she do that?! She didn’t even slap the reins or anything like in the movies! The horse just… began to move?!

“Stay close!” Rose called after Lapis. Then, she returned her attention to me. “You’ll want to hang onto the reins like this.” She reached out, helping my hands into the right position. “That will allow you to move your hand quickly on the rein. When Tracer is walking, you can give her lots more rein room. When stopping her or turning, you can move your hands forward and give her less rein room.”

“I got it, I got it,” I assured, testing out a few things.

“To get her to move, squeeze in with your legs on both of her sides- oh my, there she goes,” Rose laughed, keeping a close eye on me as I tried it out. Tracer started walking when I did what Rose said. I was AMAZED. Just like that?! WHOA. “To turn, tighten up a bit on the rein room and turn her head in the direction you want her to go!” Rose continued to instruct me, doing her best to keep up beside me.

Before I knew it, as I worked out the reins a bit more, Tracer turned. I felt my chest swell with pride. I was so happy I was catching onto this quickly. But then again perhaps it was because that this horse I’m riding is suited for beginners like me.

“Try and take a few laps around the pasture! Lapis, make sure she stays at that pace!” Rose giggled happily, finally stopping with keeping up with me. She stood where she was in the pasture, her gaze never leaving me. I too was happy. This… this was AMAZING! I’m on a HORSE!

Lapis and Harley trotted beside me- a bit of a faster pace they were going- but I didn’t mind. All that I could focus on was me and Tracer.

_ I did it. _

_ I DID IT! _

_ Mom, are you proud of me?! I did it!! I did it for you and I did it for me too!! Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH-!! _

“Sharper,” Lapis commented as I turned Tracer again once I neared a corner of the pasture. I huffed. Sure, Lapis. I’ll try. I tried again, Tracer still moving at an adequately slow pace.

“You are in charge, not the horse. They’re naturally a bit lazy like us, but they’ll go if you want them to go,” Rose said. “If she slows down, just give a bit of another squeeze and blow a few kisses if you need to to help encourage her to move.”

I was about to lean over, but Lapis spoke beside me first. “Like this,” Lapis groaned as she demonstrated what Rose meant before I could take the meaning off track and mess this up. Lapis made a few noises with her mouth, which prompted Tracer to return to a normal walking pace.

I think I’m getting the hang of this really well!! Besides the fact that obviously Rose chose what would be the easiest horse for me to work with, I think I’m doing great!! In fact, I forgot most of everything as I turned corners and walked Tracer along. I could feel wind on my face now and again, the smell of grass slicing my nostrils, the sound of crickets and flies buzzing about, the harmony of NATURE. The trance of something that WAS NOT my room!

_ I feel like I DID do something! Something OUTSTANDING!!! _

_ I’m not afraid of anything, let it be cows that try to consume my hair or horses taller than me!! I can conquer all!  _

My whole session for today consisted with riding. I… I was having fun. I never thought that I would, yet here I was. I was… I was smiling, I was proud, I was doing something a bit out of the comfort zone…

_ I think that I’m… improving myself. All by myself… _

When it eventually drew to the time for me to get off of Tracer, I wished that it could last just a bit longer.

“So, how was it?” Rose asked me as she helped me down. I began to remove my helmet once my feet were on the ground.

I breathed in, excitement still pulsing through my body. It was  _ exhilarating, liberating, enchanting! _ I quickly nodded a few times, my lips sealed in a smile. My legs were sore and I was still a bit wobbly because I had yet to calm down from what I could consider to be a high and my muscles weren’t used to riding, but it never ceased my grin. “I… LOVED it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Fun fact; I hadn’t ridden in like... four-five-ish?? years. So when I went to a ranch recently, I specifically requested if I could learn to ride a horse again there; of course, partly so that I could take some notes for this fic, but also so that I could enjoy something that I was only allowed to do ONCE my entire session period back when I attended equine therapy lol. The rest of the time I did chores, nothing else horse related.


	27. Week Four - Lapis, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis POV chapter.
> 
> A storm is brewing.

The sound of birds chirping echoed in my ears. Then, came the noise of my alarm. I grunted as I searched for it blindly with my hand, hitting it to quiet once I touched it. 

I scratched my head, stretching out my arms afterward. Usually, I’m only allowed to sleep in on weekends. Weekdays are a whole different story. I have to wake up early to go do my chores, then help with the appointments for the day if necessary. Steven has a similar schedule, except he’s too young to help with any sessions. So, he just does his chores then hangs out wherever he pleases. Mostly, he flocks to me naturally, which makes it easier for me to keep an eye on him.

I slid out of my bed then groggily rose to my feet. I changed into a freshly new outfit consisting of jeans and a tank top. Once I finished up getting ready, my hair brushed as well as my teeth, I headed outside. 

“Morning, Greg,” I yawned, passing by him on my way out. He was in the kitchen prepping some breakfast by the looks of it. Hash browns and bacon. The smell was nauseating to me. I’m a very light eater.

_ No breakfast for me. I’m good. _

“Morning, Lapis!” Greg smiled back, transferring some greasy bacon onto a plate. I wanted to vomit. I’m not hostile towards meat, but I’m hostile towards food in general. It just… lacks appeal to me. If I’m starving, I dine on an apple or some graham crackers, sometimes chicken and noodles if I absolutely need it. 

I said nothing more back. I hid the roll of my eyes, closing the screen door behind me once I was out. I inhaled a whiff of morning outdoor air. I’m grateful that Greg understands that I have my own personal space and preferences of when I want to be bothered. He gives me space when I need it and doesn’t encourage me to join activities unless it’s super important. I just like to stick to myself.

Sometimes, I wish I could grow wings and fly away. I don’t know where I’d go, but...

_ Check the chicken coop… feed the cows and sheep… groom the horses… _

I forced myself to make my way to the chicken enclosure, beginning my chores for the day. I could get them done before the afternoon if I’m focused.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Rose!” I yelled as I leaned over the pasture fence. My chores were done and I couldn’t find Steven anywhere. “ROSE!” I shouted a bit louder so that she could hear me. I watched as she and Amethyst walked Edmond along in the pastures, busy with the morning therapy appointment. In the afternoons, after Amethyst, it’s usually a mystery. I’m lucky if it’s Blue or Volley, but it’s also sometimes this other person we call Obsidian. They’re… I think transitioning or something? I don’t know. It’s none of my business. I grumbled, waiting for Rose to make her way around the pasture with Edmond and Amethyst before I asked her what I needed to. “Where’s Steven?”

“Steven went over to Connie’s today. He should be back in the evening,” Rose explained with a gentle wave to me. Amethyst also waved and flashed a snap of finger guns.

I didn’t wave back. Call me cold all you want. I’m tired and it’s still early. I walked off.

I guess I’ll just… finish up my painting then since Steven isn’t here to chat or sit with. I’m a bit envious of him; getting to go over to someone’s house…. while I’m stuck here and I can’t visit anybody unless I sneak out like a dirty snake. Trust me, if I had no leash, I would be making my way near Crystal Falls by now searching for Jasper or maybe going more up into town to spend a day with Buck and the other teens. 

I don’t know why I feel like this.

I’ve always felt like this since I was adopted. Even when Greg and Rose do their best to make me feel welcome, I… shut them out.

I think that I’m scared of getting too attached. Who’s to say something bad  _ won’t  _ happen again? I let myself get close to Steven, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. That’s only ONE person I’ve ever let in. He’s my little brother, even if not my blood. And god help me if anybody tried to hurt him. If there was a cure for all of humanity on the table and Steven’s life was on another, I would sacrifice mankind for Steven. I’ve never had a sibling before. Now I do.

I retreated to the shed, beginning to pluck out my brushes and paints. As I fetched my finest detail brushes, I paused.

_ I could’ve sworn there used to be a bottle of pills there… _

_ Rose must’ve come and put it properly into one of the cupboards. She does want Steven to stay out of any medications for the animals after all… it’s for his safety. _

Poor Lion too though. He sits in a cage when he’s not eating or anything, so that way we can keep an eye on him. He always looks so miserable too...

I brushed off the thought, resuming what I was doing. Once I could get these paintings done for Jenny and everyone else, the sooner I could go back to wasting my life away until I die. 

I do wonder though- I don’t believe in any ghosts or spirits or whatever afterlife there is, but… what would my parents think of me? What if I was still with them? What if… they didn’t pass away?

Before we left, we actually got a call from my mother’s work asking if she could come in on the day of our leave for the cruise. My mother declined, wanting to spend time with me and my father. It was a miracle that she even declined. Her work is considered important and top of the class. But… she had a heart I could compare to Rose’s. She loved her family. Deeply. I could say that she loved us just as fiercely as I love Steven. She would do anything for me or my father. … Maybe I got it from my mom; the same ruthless kind of love that was prickly on the outside but soft on the inside. Maybe it’s part of why I’m so hard to open up with.

Either way, what’s done is done and I’m in no power to change the past. I just have to live with it. They’re gone, and I survived. 

That’s that.

* * *

  
  


“Try and keep her closer to the fence,” I suggested, watching Peridot take Tracer around the pasture. I always hated when the mosquitos and other bugs came out during the summer evenings. Besides biting me or buzzing in my face, they simply annoyed me, like Peridot did.

… Alright, it’s not  _ that  _ annoying when I’m put to help work with her on a horse. She in a way reminds me of Steven. And I guess if Steven wants to me to warm up to her, I’ll try and do so for him. I just hope I don’t have to be any closer to her. I’ve got my own problems and I already have people that I can call friends if they’re lucky.

“Hey! Keep her closer to the fence!” I said again, noticing that Peridot didn’t listen to me. I’m parroting Rose at this point, since Rose was standing too far away from us to be heard. She was by the pasture exit and I’m out here on a horse with Peridot, watching her like Rose said. “You want to do a full circle-“

“I KNOW!” Peridot snapped at me. 

I stopped. Even Harley and Tracer paused. Harley pawed the ground, antsy like something felt off.

_ She’s always been  _ annoying.  _ But snappy? Suddenly moody? I didn’t even do shit.  _

_ Should’ve seen this coming. She did pick a fight with me on like the first day…  _

What I did not expect though, was Peridot hiding her face with her hands and… crying.

Yeah. She just… broke down and she started crying. Leaned over a bit on the horse and poorly hid her tears. Just like that.

I… don’t know what to do.

I whistled loudly, waving Rose on over. She could take this over for me now. I’m only her aid after all. And I say that my job here is done. I’m not made for… babysitting.

I made Harley start to walk again once Rose came over. 

“What’s wrong? Peridot, are you alright?” Rose fretted. 

I shrugged as Harley and I passed her. “I don’t know- she just… started crying”, I informed.

Rose nodded. “You’re excused, Lapis. I’ll handle it from here.”

Thanks, I was excusing myself anyway. I’m not a therapist. You’re the one in charge here, Rose.

I grimaced. 

The fuck was up with that? I literally was just doing what Rose told me to do and that was watch her. Then she starts crying and… obviously, I’m not supposed to know how to fix it myself! I’m a teenager too! God-!

I leaped off of Harley once we reached the pasture gate. I began to open it, letting us out so that we could continue walking back to the stables.

_ … Who cries like that anyway? Out of nowhere? _

…

…

… Some nights, when the fireflies are out or when the winter chill bites at my window with frost, when it’s past midnight and all around me is the comfort of my room... I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Are we finally gonna be nearing the chapters where Lapis and Peridot will see eye to eye at the very least?   
> Maybe.


	28. Week Four - Peridot, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into what Peridot has been dealing with.
> 
> CW: Alludes of depression/low self esteem issues, self doubt, self worth issues, may be a bit overwhelming with how she depicts or describes her thoughts and feelings, as well as touches upon topics of selective mutism and autistic meltdowns/overloads

_“- But when I got onto the horse, oh my GOSH, mom-! I felt amazing!! I rode a horse and I-!!”_

_“Peridot.”_

_“- I felt like I could do anything! And to think that I was so frightened of one measly horse that stood taller than me, HAH-!”_

_“Peridot.”_

_My hands stayed where they were in the air as I told the exciting tale to my mother. I was still freshly pumped with endorphins and dopamines. The evening earlier that day, I had braved my fears and got onto the back of a horse which replayed over and over again in my head. I was so happy, so excited, I swear that twinkles would be glittering in my eyes. Thank gosh they actually don’t and weren’t otherwise I would have to pluck them out before they could irritate my eyes!_

_My mother clasped her hands in front of her, her elbows on the dinner table. One of the house maids assembled together the leftovers, sorting the food on the side that we were too full to finish off into plastic containers. I slowly lowered my hands. Storytime was over as I could see…_

_I cleared my throat. Then, I dug my fork back into the brown rice on my plate. “I- I’m sorry, ma’am,” I corrected myself. “I should’ve asked for permission before running off on verbal tangents.”_

_Why did it feel disgusting at that moment to be polite? How come talking like that in that moment made me feel uncomfortable?_

_Later that same night, my mother had come to a decision after reading my reports, fueled by the story I had told about my joy in experiencing horse riding- overcoming my fears and having fun._

_Her statement, as I quote; “It’s clear this therapy center is nothing but a game for you. It isn’t improving your state at all, and so I’m only wasting my time and money trying to continue to invest in it. By allowing you to go each day, I’m allowing you to slack off. I won’t tolerate it anymore.”_

I still don’t know what to think of it. I’m not good with emotions- I never had to experience the more heavier ones so to speak before. It feels like there is a chain and ball, and I’m behind bars. My mom decided she wanted to take me out of the equine therapy sessions. This would be my last Fun Saturday. Gone, all of it, chickens and all, just snap, boom, ka-powey, sha-bam! 

I… ah… I’m rather devastated.

I didn’t mean to snap at Lapis the way I did either. She’s the first that I have ever snapped at. It happened and I… didn’t know that bridled inside me had been all these emotions I don’t know the name of nor the English words to describe them with. 

But I remind myself again, and I will continue to remind myself!- My mother loves me, which is why she continues to look out for me and make the best decisions for me. I might not agree with them always, but… what else can I do?

Sure, I don’t like her methods of punishment when I need to be reminded that I need to repress certain aspects of myself in order to be normal and be successful in society, but she’s still my mother. And as my mother, as the only parent I have- she’s… all I have.

I can’t see.

My eyes are blurry, my chest feels compacted- no, there are metaphorical rocks in my chest and my lungs are being squished. 

Why am I so… so…! So **mad** about my mother pulling me out of therapy? This therapy? I’ve had multiple other places I’ve visited for therapy in the past and I never was upset when I was pulled from those!! In fact, I never felt anything with them! I always wanted to go home, watch some television, and browse for some merchandise to purchase instead of bear another second at those past therapy places. But this one-! This one takes the gold! And I don’t know why?! Is it the chickens?! Haha! Why am I so attached?! Why am I so upset?! Why am I acting like this and why am I making such a big deal about this?! 

Peridot, gosh, I think you’re dying!

_Am I?_

I don’t know! 

UGH!!!!

… I want these thoughts to go away. I don’t like them. They’re too loud…

I slowly stroked the back of the chicken in my arms. I know what I have to do. In the dawn of my final allowance to enjoy this place, I will leave with tied up ends. With so many feelings- GROSS!- enveloping me, I will personally take them on and I, Peridot, will triumph! I’ll say my final goodbyes, I’ll try and make amends! It’s the least that I can do- for everyone putting up with me.

_Where are all these negative thoughts coming from anyway…? I’ve never had them before!!_

_AGH!! I think that I AM dying!!!_

I glanced up when I heard the gate to the chicken yard click. Was it Steven?! I super hope so- I avoided everybody today despite it being Fun Saturday but I wouldn’t mind if Steven came to say hi-!!

… Oh.

Never mind. It’s Lapis.

_Why is she holding a chicken? I think it’s the one that had a limp Rose mentioned before... it seems to have healed._

“Hm. I thought you’d be here,” Lapis murmured, putting the white chicken down. Nonchalant, as near always when I hear her talk.

I raised a brow, biting my lip. She didn’t sound happy with me, as always. My hopes of it being Steven demolished. Instead, all these icky feelings came back to me when I saw Lapis. Feelings like… burdening. I scratched my head, and before I knew it? My mouth began to move on it’s own. Guilt had kicked me into overdrive- I couldn’t stop myself. 

I set down the chicken that I had been petting. I braved a deep breath. “I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I was an inconvenience and a nuisance to you, and I apologize for any times that I have bothered or annoyed you. That wasn’t my intention in any scenario. But that doesn’t excuse me, so I hope that you understand and at least also understand that I’m sorry,” I said. I sighed under my breath. Oh my gosh I literally just did that-. “Th-Thank you, for helping me on Tracer and for giving me those chicken feathers. I- I- I… appreciate it. A lot.” Then, I stood. I started walking away relatively quickly, attempting to figure out what I could do in my last hour and not wanting to hear or see Lapis react to my burst of words. Rose isn’t even aware that this would be my last day. Nobody does! 

This was gonna be my last day here, and I’m… _afraid_ of what my mom has planned for me next. If not here, then where? Another therapist office? More shots or some more exposure therapies? Would eventually sound or electric therapy come next? Conversion? The endless possibilities scared me beyond relief.

I don’t want this life.

I… 

Oh my gosh…

I don’t… want this life…

I felt super embarrassed leaving the chicken yard like that- who even says crap like that and then walks away?! Obviously, it’s me! And I’m nothing but a huge CLOD-! … What’s she gonna think of me now? Is Lapis gonna think I’m a waste of air? Not like she already does I bet, and I’m starting to understand why she does. I stammered so much too now that I think of it- where’s the rubber bands for my incompetence?!?

UUUUGGGHHH. I hate this. I hate these feelings! They’re so DISGUSTING! I want to take them and rip ‘em apart!! GAH!!!

My mom should be here in a few minutes. It’s getting late. The sunset is so bright and vivid that it makes me wanna puke. At least when my mother arrives, I’ll be saved and then… Well… actually, to correct myself; I’ll still be stuck with these thoughts if I don’t find a cure soon. A cure! Just like the kinds that my mom speaks about. A cure, for these bad feelings and a cure to… my existence. I should become a philosopher and spread word about the gospel! Do I sound insane?!

I’m… I’m slowly losing my sanity.

I think it’s time that I calm down and reevaluate what’s happening. Too much pressure won’t do me any good.

I’ve never had these thoughts before.

But, now that I do? I… feel so… alone. I’m… scared. I’m… afraid! I don’t want to be afraid… but I am, and I’m worried- I’m _nervous_ about what’s gonna happen next.

I rubbed my shoulders as I chose a secluded spot far from the stables and barn where everyone else was enjoying their Fun Saturday. I took a breath in. I took a breath out. I sat down, criss-cross applesauce even though my legs have literally nothing to do with sauce.

I… just wish that for at least once in my life, that even for just a second, that someone would tell me that they truly appreciate me and my existence. When Rose told me that she was proud of me, my system went haywire for a second because I have never had anybody tell me that they’re proud of me.

Is this… normal?

Am I… malfunctioning? I swear that I’m a human being, I’m living and I’m breathing, I’m able to create new memories and my heart is beating-... but I feel more machine than a human being. Does that make any sense…?

_Oh Peridot, you might be indeed losing it…_

Only then did I catch myself tearing up. Had I been doing so this whole time? I can’t even recall! I’m… so out of touch right now with everything, my limbs are shaking and my skin feels transparent. I wiped my eyes a few times, fighting back the sniffles.

_This is ridiculous! This is the most shameful and despicable act I’ve ever done-!_

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to do all these absurd things that I have never done before. I want my mom to hold me although she never has, I want someone to hug me and tell me that they’re proud of me again, I want… I guess I just want someone to genuinely just talk to me like I’m a person- treat me true and sincerely kind. Like the way Steven does! He’s like my only friend right now, and he’s not even in high school. But Steven is busy with other friends, and I don’t want to be a bother again. What if my whole life I’ve been nothing but a bother? A money sucking leech to my mother? 

… I’m exploding, and I don’t know how I should handle it.

I say it from the bottom of my heart when I say that I am sorry; and I am sorry for all the money I have wasted with my mom, the second hand shame I’ve given her, the irritation I have caused to anyone with my poor socializing and connecting skills…

I rubbed my hand against my nose, mid-sniffle when a plump mass of feathers suddenly landed onto my lap. I stared.

_What the…?_

_The chickens shouldn’t be out of the yard… OH NO, DID I FORGET TO CLOSE THE GATE?!?!_

_I AM THE WORST-._

My thoughts came to a dead stop. I slowly turned my head. A chicken was in my lap, yes, and… Lapis was sitting right beside me.

Wait.

LAPIS WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME.

WHAT THE **FUCK.**

_Um…._

I felt extremely awkward. There was snot coming out of my nose and my eyes were so wet I couldn’t see unless I squinted. Lapis and the chicken looked like pixels. I feel like an ugly, deteriorating mess.

_Oh my- oh my GOSH yeah, she’s actually there._

_Why is…??_

_LAPIS, WHAT-._

I gradually brought my hand up to rest it against the chicken. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so confused. My mouth was gaped open as if I was silently screaming.

Lapis had her hands in her own lap. She wasn’t even looking at me. In fact, when I wiped my eyes with my other hand, she was looking _away_ from me. “... Steven says I should give you a chance or whatever,” she said.

I stared.

“You were a dick yelling at me for just trying to help you.”

I silently, shamefully agreed. I didn’t want to fight her anymore. I’m exhausted.

Lapis sighed. “But… I appreciate the apology.”

_You do?_

This… is the same Lapis, right? Like the same girl that is the spawn of Hot Topic physically and aesthetically? The same girl that also hated me and found me annoying and said that I was being rude-??

I mean… I don’t mind this but…- it confuses me.

I pet the chicken a bit. I stayed quiet.

“You seem to really like those,” Lapis commented bluntly.

I twirled some feathers with my fingers. I said nothing, my chin dipped downward. The chicken seemed pleased to be getting attention though. It nestled into my lap, eyes closed. 

“You’re ignoring me,” Lapis stated.

_I’m not, I’m listening-._

I heard her grumble when she made the connection that I wasn’t going to say anything. Or, couldn’t anyway. I think that my system is flawed. “I don’t know why I bother,” she scoffed.

_Why can’t I talk? My mouth feels like it’s glued-!_

Lapis shot a glance my way before she stood up. She was about to leave. I kind of panicked. I started shaking once more but I kept the chicken in my arms. I opened my mouth to speak, and all that came out was a bawl.

Yeah, it must be said I am super embarrassed now. I’m the clod.

Here I am! Full blown crying in front of someone who doesn’t like me, a chicken in my lap and my face in ruins! I’m the most disgraceful child ever!

I held the chicken softly but firmly. I didn’t want to hurt it! My eyes leaked and my body wouldn’t stop vibrating. Am I dying? I must be!! Time made no sense to me anymore and neither did directions. This was the worst feeling ever. I never wanted to experience it again! Is this a symptom of flawed genetics? Is my blood the reason behind my suffering?? 

I have no idea how much seconds or minutes, anything, went by before I found myself eventually being tightly embraced from the front. The chicken was fine I think- I couldn’t exactly double check and be sure in my current state. 

What is this feeling?

How do I make it go away?

When I felt hands on my back, pressure around my arms, and the warmth of physical contact, I froze entirely. My heartbeat raced, my eyes widened, my body gradually- not quickly!- loosened up and relaxed. 

What is this?

I think I know the word to it…

A _hug?_

I soon accepted it, returning the action. 

It was with ridged horror that I came to my senses after what I could assume to be a good few minutes. I still am clueless as to why my body acted the way it did and why I seemed to tense out of nowhere, but I was gaining control again and I could think clearly. I’m claiming back my own nervous system. My skin no longer felt like a second skin, instead just my own.

_What… happened…?_

“Hey.” The familiar voice spoke. “You okay?”

_Lapis?_

_Why is she…? But…?_

I breathed through my mouth. Now that I was back to a more stable sense of mind, I was stunned to discover that it was Lapis who had been hugging me. She pulled away, inspecting me like my hair was sticking up everywhere. Wait, was it?! I don’t feel up to making the effort in checking right now.

Lapis returned to sitting beside me. The chicken was still in my lap and it was dozing away perfectly fine. I would feel horrible if I had ended up hurting it…

“How many fingers?” Lapis questioned.

“H… huh?” I rasped. I could talk again. I felt fine. Better, if not all the way cured of that terrifying spell.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“What’s… Wh- what’s the purpose of that proposal?” I was whispering. My guess is that my voice is still weak. It’ll require some work to restore it to average volume. 

“Checking to see if you’re grounded,” Lapis explained in a blasè manner. 

“Grounded…?” I echoed.

“It’s a calming down method. How many fingers?”

I studied Lapis to the best of my ability. I resumed petting the chicken. “... Four.”

“Breathe in, and breathe out,” Lapis instructed with a nod.

I found this to be hilariously pointless but listened anyway. I could feel my own fingers now. 

“Can you name something you can physically feel?”

“This is silly,” I hushed.

“Then tell me something that you can also hear around you right now.”

“Lapis-“

“Smart answer but not what I mean.” Lapis rubbed her forehead, seeming just as weary as I was. “... God. I’ll give it a try giving you a chance, but… I do it for Steven. If you’re honest about your apology, I guess I’ll try.” There was a certain lean in her voice. The best way that I could describe it was afraid.

She was… _afraid._ Just like I was. Afraid of _what_?!

Was she scared of giving me a chance?! She doesn’t have to give me a chance, if she wants nothing to do with me I respect that-.

I wish that I could just start telling her everything that I couldn’t tell Rose or my mom. YES, it would be EMBARRASSING and YES it would be CRINGY and even a bit CRAZY, but… she’s someone around my age who understands things that happen around our time! I know that I’m still a bit loopy and soft after my… my buildup of these strange emotions, but how come only now am I upset? Why am I leaking from my eyes? Why do I so badly want my mother to say the words ‘Peridot, I am proud of you’?

I wish that I had the strength to say something. But, I fell quiet. I offered the chicken back to Lapis when I realized that she was getting up again, however this time she moved slowly and kept looking back at me. Was she making sure that I was okay? Was she watching me or secretly letting me know that she was leaving but not with malicious intent?

I ah… think the strangest thing though, was that she gave me this small slip of paper as I gave her the chicken. It had these numbers on it in blue pen. 

“Don’t abuse it. If you’re seriously sorry, feel free.” Those were Lapis’ last words before she took the chicken back to the chicken coop, leaving me to sit out my rather short remaining time frame on the property. 

Goodbye, horses. Goodbye, chickens. Goodbye, hair-eating cows and goodbye Rose and Steven.

The paper slip though… was it an invitation from Lapis asking if I would like to start over and maybe become friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I should probably put as a disclaimer here that I used my own experiences as a primary inspiration base to write upon regarding Peridot’s reactions to emotions and other similar stimuli. Thus what works for Peridot doesn’t always work for everyone. Every autistic person is different, and for Peridot, physical contact helps her when she is experiencing sensory problems or undergoing extreme emotions as she has been basically touch deprived her entire life raised under her mother.


	29. Week Five - Rose, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What’s this?
> 
> A Rose POV chapter...

I’m not blind when it comes to telling when someone is in pain. Some may call it witchy ways, others may call it imagination, but my sense of empathy and sympathy go hand in hand like the ending of those two words.

I love my clients as much as I love my own children. Let it be adopted, blood related, or just faces that I have met during pride parades where they turn to seeking a moment of a hug from a stranger because their own parents have failed to give them the love and support that they need. I care about them dearly, and how I wish that it was easy to take away their pain. But healing is a gradual process taken after they choose to accept that path, and it’s a process in which I hope that I can make it smoother.

I always battle back and forth between thinking whether I am infantilizing someone or not. My intention is that I do not want to. I want to treat my client, treat everybody, with respect. Yet, it’s also hard to know boundaries up front, as I’m unaware of a person’s trauma and triggers unless they openly tell me. I refuse to say that I’m on thin ice around anyone. That isn’t the way to describe the situation. They are people, they are alive and breathing. They have been judged, cast away, mistreated, and in some cases abused and or manipulated. They have their reasons for being tense or distrustful, nervous and jumpy. I want to help bring them back to the light. To say that I’m on thin ice or glass around someone is treating them like they’re a feral animal in which they aren’t. I must be gentle and I must be cooperative. I must be as firm as an elephant but also soft as the motherly goose to her babies. Through learning and through coping, with the healthy dose of socialization and cooperation skills worked into exercises, I could learn more about an individual and further understand them.

My job as a therapist is to help my clients overcome and come to settle with their disabilities, past, or mental illness. My job is to provide a healthy, calm environment where they feel  _ safe _ , loved and wanted. It’s my job to act shall I sense anything wrong with said environment, to make adequate changes. My actions could save a life.

So when I was called into having a private meeting with the guardian- mother, of one of my clients, I was ready to defend the attendee in question shall words escalate or shall I find out dangerous information. This woman particularly I have noted to be fierce when it comes to her child. Yadira Diamond seems to be… misinformed about autism and her own daughter. When she mentioned cures and therapists, my heart wept. It made me near bitter that there existed parents like this. And even more painful? Kids out there had these parents and had no way of getting help. 

Surely, however, Yadira isn’t  _ that  _ extreme? Perhaps she only has a flawed mind. She always has had it. Perhaps she doesn’t lay any hands on Peridot, and I could be rushing to conclusions thinking everyone is the same. After all, she doesn’t remember me but I remember her from earlier days. Yadira is a strict businesswoman with an eye always on the prize and firm with her ambitions, yes, but she also had a heart. If, that is, it’s still in there.

I mustn’t say more. And I mustn’t tell a soul. Neither can Yadira know, though her face is hard for me to see eye to eye without breaking.

As I sat down and prepared myself for the meeting that was to come, I gave a sorrowful glance over at Lion dozing away in his bed. He, a healthy well-fed cat, would also be taking secrecy to the grave.

Lapis and Steven, they would be heartbroken. 

Yadira, for whatever you want to tell me about why you pulled Peridot out of therapy, know that I won’t spare you just because I know you. You don’t know me, but I know you.

They say that the world is built on a foundation of good lies meant to protect the people we love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Oh boy I can’t wait for this to kick up ;)   
> A big storm is coming.


	30. Week Five - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot begins her week no longer attending the equine center.

I boredly kicked my feet, now only half listening to this morning business meet that my mother was hosting at her primary office building. She does filing, taxes, insurance, company and shop startups, landlord shenanigans, all those neat topics of gimmick. Whenever my mother takes her work outside of the household, I’m usually brought along too. I was dragged along to these meetings from time to time ever since I was thirteen for purposes including practice of etiquette and getting an insider’s look at successful routes. 

Yesterday, my mom had to attend a privately arranged meeting with Rose regarding cancelling my sessions. And… honestly? I’ve felt this feeling in my chest ever since she officially cancelled me attending at the equine center. It’s this feeling of... missing something. It’s taken a toll on me to the point that I was being lazy for the most part today, not even caring much for eating or being productive. I’ve never experienced this before. It’s an oddity, for sure.

First my favorite snacks and now this! How am I going to cope?! I can’t turn to Camp Pining Hearts, I’ve already rewatched every episode seven times! … Except for episode six of season five, because that one is the WORST. Perhaps I could rewatch when Counselor Peony gathers the art station and everybody bursts out into singing about teamwork and-.

“Peridot, kindly go fetch me another coffee,” my mom told me, handing an empty mug to me. 

I snapped out of my daydreaming, standing to attention like a military soldier. “Yes, ma’am,” I said, taking the mug with care. It’s her favorite one- a little golden yellow one with a diamond silhouette on it. So, I must be very gentle or she’s going to be cross. I excused myself from the room, ignoring the one or two business people in my mother’s right hand of the corporation casting a quick curious look over at me. They were used to me which they honestly should be if I’m going to be taking my mom’s place when I’m ready.

I walked down the hall and to a small break room where the coffee maker was located. I prepped the maker, inserting my mom’s favorite flavor of beans before I measured out some water. I placed the mug in its spot, checking the filters as I went along out of slight paranoia of if they’d need cleaning every two seconds. Once all was in order, I backed up to let the machine do its thing. This normally took a while… I could count the fingerprints on one of my hands for hours while the coffee was being made. But hey, at least I’m not in the meeting anymore listening to decision A or B being debated over and people unable to make up their minds! I never knew fascinatingly how many clods could run a corporation or decide on land mortgage in that matter… Somehow we trust these people with such big matters...

I bit my lip, settling for sitting down at a nearby table. I pulled my tablet out from my jacket, having snuck it in for times like this where I’d play errands spared with a smidge of free time in the middle. It’s uncomfortable to lie down in some positions with it on me when I’m keeping it hidden due to the size and inability to be bent, but I endure it in order to keep my tablet safe from being nabbed and put into tablet jail. I can’t live without it! It’s like my technological offspring in which I have taken a maternal attraction to. It’s also helped me when I miss an airing of an episode back when Camp Pining Hearts was still releasing new episodes.

I powered it on, snatching a packet of saltine crackers from the middle of the table. I found a site hosting fan fiction, a form of writing meant for fans by fans of canon series. You won’t understand, it’s a nerd thing. I could pass the time looking at some Percy and Pierre pieces... I was rather behind with one of them frankly. The one where Percy has to hide his true self as a vampire from Pierre who is a werewolf and doing the same-! It’s more than just some crappy Twilight knockoff with bashful protagonists and characters more likeable than Bella Swan and her dead syndrome face. I guess I could even say that Bella reminds me of Lapis with her constantly emotionless face! Ahaha-!

… ha.

… oh.

Hmm. Right… I got that small slip of paper she gave to me… I’ve hidden it in the inner pocket of my jacket for safekeeping- again, so that it wouldn’t be confiscated. I wonder… 

My interest in the paper became too great. I sighed, taking it out into view with my tablet on my lap. 

… Should I….? My tablet is capable of texting and FaceTiming, but… oh gosh oh gosh ohgoshohgosh… Alright, Peridot, she said not to abuse it, and you should start with a simple text so that you don’t startle her. Ohhhh, I miss the farm!! All the little chickens and gigantic horses that most certainly could trample me if they pleased!!!- But most of all, I miss Steven, and I miss the parts where I actually had fun!!

I should send her a text- just to see how it’s going without me there and how the chickens are doing… It MUST mean something if she gave me this number!! Eugh, why are girls so UNCLEAR?!?! Does she actually want to befriend me?! 

_… OHHH. No! What if she’s making a slide at me?!? Lapis, I’m not ready-! I’m too young and innocent!!_

_Relax, Peri, relax. In and out, breathe IN then breathe OUT. You’re blowing this out of proportion. It probably isn’t even anything special!_

I’m gonna send a simplistic, well thought out text to begin things off then see where it goes. Hopefully, she doesn’t block my number…

I checked the progress of the coffee machine before continuing. I should be good. I’m gonna go ahead and do it-!

I opened up my texts, typing in the number on the paper.

_Six… eight… five five… aha! Got it!_

_Now for the main event…_

_I can do this._

_Let me get a confirmation before I go ahead and label this number as Lapis..._

**12:34 PM  
To: UNKNOWN CONTACT**

**HI!!!! THIS IS PERIDOT. FROM THE HORSE THERAPY!!!**

_…_

_Was that too upfront?_

I personally like to speak in caps so that I appear louder and also smarter. Hopefully Lapis understands that. If she doesn’t, I will have to relinquish.

I gave it a bit.

A bit longer.

Maaaaybe a bit longer??

Nothing happened. The coffee was done and there still was no reply as I intensely watched the screen and tapped it whenever the device tried to enter sleep mode after inactivity.

I frowned. Maybe it’s a lost cause… Gah. 

I shoved my tablet back into my jacket, opening up the pack of saltine crackers and munching on the food inside. I stood up once I finished eating the light snack, tossing the wrapper away before collecting the finished mug of coffee.

Well… I tried at the least. And that is what should matter the most even if it just goes to show that I’m a failure at this. I have never texted anybody my mother has not authorized before either. Maybe I was doing something wrong??

_But the number was right- right??_

I caught myself from spilling the coffee thanks to my diddle daddling, heading back to the office room where the meeting was being held. I said nothing, quietly opening the door and stepping in. I waited for my mom to gesture for me to approach her then I handed the mug over to her. She said nothing, which is normal, and I sat back down in the corner in my own seat. 

This… was gonna be a while. 

… UGGGHHHH.

I’m just lucky that there was still no response during the rest of the meeting. But it hurts because... I didn’t get a response all day either.


	31. Week Five - Lapis, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis POV chapter.
> 
> 16+ recommended due to the following:  
> CW; brief allude/mention of sexual themes/topics, nudity, themes of depression and PTSD.
> 
> Lapis is a bad example. Don’t do what Lapis does.

I stared at my phone screen, the quiet of my room comforting me in an abiding lullaby. The crickets chirped their nighttime songs while the moon hung pregnant in the sky.

Yesterday as I was finishing up my painting, I received a message from an unknown number. Upon inspecting it, it’s not hard to figure out who it was. I reread it over and over again, remaining sitting up on my bed with my earbuds in and music playing to suit my emptiness. 

_ She types with all caps and a lot of exclamation points…  _

Peridot. Where do I even begin… I’m not exactly sure what happened the day that she had apologized to me; suddenly crying, in distress, shaking… I assume she has her own demons to deal with. More so now that she’s been taken out of therapy from what I hear.

The only reason that I came over and comforted her was because… I saw myself in her. That moment when she seemed so… so  _ scared _ that I was leaving her reminded me just of how scared I was the first night that Rose let me sleep in my room all by myself. I wasn’t used to being alone. I was always coddled by my parents, constantly hugged and supervised. I remember sobbing as a kid when Rose closed my door to let me sleep, and even with a nightlight I was unable to calm down.

Rose taught me a breathing exercise during those times. I haven’t forgotten it since. It’s supposed to help ground you and keep your breathing in a consistent manner slow enough to lessen the rush of adrenaline in your system. 

I have no idea about anything to do with autism. I’m not a neurologist or therapist or anything, but I’m grateful that Peridot didn’t attack me for trying to help calm her down. I don’t hug unless it’s Steven. So that’s saying a lot for me to have to physically make contact with someone else all in the good name of attempting to help them settle.

_ Should I even reply to her…? _

I gave her my number out of impulse. Yeah, I was able to relate to her in that moment where she was most vulnerable, and I make stupid decisions when I’m swayed like if Steven makes his puppy eyes asking me to come play Just Dance with him. So to actually follow through now that Peridot has messaged me is gonna take a while to think upon. Should I respond or should I ignore it? Would she keep messaging me? I could’ve and I should’ve given her a number to a pizza parlor nearby or even some kind of prank number. 

I can’t help myself from thinking back to her eyes- when they were wide, when they were glossy with tears, when they were full of uncertainty and fright like a toddler scared of the dark. It’s terrifying for me. And god, the shaking…-

A notification ding caught my attention. I checked it. A sigh of relief escaped me when I saw that it wasn’t Peridot.

**10:59 PM**

**From: JASPER**

**U still up?**

Why doesn’t she go to bed when she’s supposed to? Aren’t there certain people that check to see if you’re asleep at summer camps or something…?

**11:00 PM**

**To: JASPER**

**Yeah.**

**Go to sleep.**

She’s probably going to be bothering me for the next hour. I know her. She always does this. But I’m not in the mood right now and I am not going anywhere tonight. I’m tired.

**11:02 PM**

**From: JASPER**

**If u help me, maybe ;)**

  
  


**11:02 PM**

**To: JASPER**

**I’m not sending you pictures right now.**

**I’m about to go to bed.**

  
  


**11:03 PM**

**From: JASPER**

**Haha u actually sleep?**

  
  


**11:03 PM**

**To: JASPER**

**No.**

  
  


I put my phone down and turned off my music, taking out my earbuds to put them on the dresser beside my bed. I just need to relax… try to sleep…

…

…

I can’t sleep. Fuck this. I know that warm milk or warm baths could help someone sleep, so I’m going to try that. I just need to be careful if I go the bath route, since water doesn’t sit well with me. I mean, I can do baths- it just… if I tune out, I freak out upon finding where I am when I come back to earth. This, as Rose once told me, is known as dissociation. It’s when you disconnect from the world to exclude yourself from your surroundings. You lose all sense of feeling and control, you become numb. Rose says it’s common with those who have trauma, depression, anxiety, dissociative disorder, you get the idea. It happens with me from time to time. I’ve just learned to deal with it to the point that I sometimes don’t even realize it’s happening. It’s why the grounding technique comes in handy. Breathe. I’m alive.

I gathered up a change of clothes then exited my room. I took my phone with me to keep me entertained and distracted from the water. Once I reached the bathroom, I locked the door. Everybody is asleep at this hour in the household. Occasionally, Rose or Greg would still be up watching a movie together or prepping for a session the next day, but tonight was still and silent. Perfect for a late night bath to help me slumber. I’m sick of getting such little sleep.

I grabbed a towel off the rack. After, I turned on the bath water, adjusting it to a warm temperature. I began to remove my clothes, setting them aside on the rack and placing my clean change of clothes on the farthest end. 

My phone dinged again. Must be Jasper. I rolled my eyes. She doesn’t give it up too easy, doesn’t she? Pft. Duh. She doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. It’s the kind of woman she is. She’s ambitious, she’s powerful, she’s firm… she’s gentle too. It’s rare, but I do see it. I know so- she’s only as misunderstood as me. We have a mutual understanding of each other better than anybody else. Besides, when she holds me, I don’t feel so… alone anymore. I don’t hug her and neither do I kiss her, usually she’s the one doing those things to me. But when she hugs me and just keeps me there for a few seconds… it’s so… heavenly. I melt into the touch.

I missed her.

I… miss her. I want to be held right now. We’re both broken kids wanting to be at peace.

_ If only… _

… Alright. I caved.

Call me stupid, call me reckless, I don’t care. I honestly don’t. I took my phone as the bath worked on filling itself up, tapping on the conversation preview at the top to take me to the conversation before I quickly tapped the camera icon. I’m sure she’s still up. She’s a jerk. But, she’s  _ my  _ jerk. 

I unclasped my bra, purposely leaving it partly on with one side dangling from my breast. With my phone I angled the camera from above, steadying my hand before I clicked a picture. There Jasper, satisfied? I sent it.

_ Happy early birthday, you dong. _

I put my phone down with my towel on top of the closed toilet lid, finishing up undressing then stepping into the bath. I’m doing fine. I’m doing great. Just don’t pay much attention to the water. Instead, heed only the warmth and the comfort. Like a big, gigantic, warm hug.

_ Relax…. breathe in. Breathe out. Pace yourself.  _

I’m not sure how long I stayed in the bath for, lying in the water and letting it consume me from all around. I had turned off the faucet once the tub was full, and there was not a single sound. It was so… serene. 

Odd however, how there wasn't another phone notification. Jasper usually always replied to the things I’d send her. Not even a video call invitation by now?

… I did send it to Jasper, right? She can’t be asleep, we share like the same sleep schedule because we’re both fucked.

I sat up, my hair soaked. I grabbed my phone, my arms over the rim of the tub as I utilized my device. I checked my texts-, and almost  _ choked.  _

I didn’t text Jasper.

I had sent that picture…

… to  _ Peridot. _


	32. Week Five - Peridot, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot’s reaction to... ah yeah.
> 
> CW; Some brief mentions or alludes to sexual themes, nothing explicit or actually occurring.

OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH-.

WHAT… AM I LOOKING AT?!?! WHAT KIND OF SOCIAL RESPONSE IS THIS TO MY MESSAGE?!?!? 

I AM SO CONFUSED.

WHAT EVEN-.

AAAAAAAAA **AAAAAAAAAAAAAA** AAAAA.

I had my tablet across the room from me, as far away from me as humanly possible in my room so that I wouldn’t get contaminated. 

What happened, you may ask? WELL! I am glad you asked! Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I was so ridden with nervous thoughts about if I had bothered Lapis again- if it was her number that I had contacted- so I sent a quick little apology in order to sleep better and state my verbal sincerity. 

AND WHAT DO I GET BACK??

I…. THOSE WERE BOOBS, RIGHT? BREASTS??? WHAT DO THE GIRLS AND FANFICS CALL THEM- TITTIES??? THOSE WERE NOT WHAT I IMAGINE WHEN MY PERCY AND PIERRE FANFICTIONS GO WRONG AND HAVE PERCY AND PAULETTE GET TOGETHER INSTEAD. IT’S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD REFER TO AS THE ‘LARGE, SUCCULENT, MOUNDS’ THAT SO MANY WRITERS DESCRIBE PAULETTE WITH. PAULETTE IS A WHINY, OVERRATED, OVERHYPED CHARACTER. I HATE HER.

HOW DO I EVEN REPLY TO THIS?!?

My tablet rang with the sound of an incoming notification. It has been doing this for a while now. But I did not want to approach it or else I would see those- THINGS-...

… They’re smaller than mine. That’s weird. Wait, do breasts come in different sizes? I thought all girls had these huge-... I blinked, then curiously peeled my shirt away from the skin of my upper body. I looked down. I mean… mine aren’t like ‘honkers’ that people use to describe the organ in fanfiction, but...

“Peridot Oliver Price! I have been calling you for the last five minutes, this is unacceptable-!” My mother burst into my room, peering in with a dissatisfied look as she flung my door open. 

I jumped with a short-lived scream. “I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING-!” I quickly wheezed without thinking, letting go of my shirt so that it was back to clinging to my body.

My mom stared. Then, she slowly rubbed her forehead in embarrassment. “Peridot, get in the car right now. I can not afford to be late for this morning meeting, and your lack of response is only proving to me that you-“

“I’m sorry, ma’am-! I’m coming, I’m coming-“ I frowned, leaving my tablet. 

Ohhhhhh my gosh… 

* * *

  
  


When we returned to the house later, I still was pacing my room. I can’t just avoid my tablet forever!! I need it!! How else am I supposed to download my episodes or watch some podcasts and exclusive Comic-Con panels featuring the cast of Camp Pining Hearts?!?

_ I gotta be brave. Just like when I rode a horse! Come on, Peridot… it’s just boobs! _

_ … Yeah, TERRIFYING REALISTIC SNAZZUMS. _

IS SHE COURTING WITH ME??? DOES SHE DESIRE TO  _ MATE  _ WITH ME?? No, impossible, humans don’t go into heat. IS SHE JUST HORNY?? That reminds me of that one lemon work I am following written by CampPiningPiercy706 where Pierre sent Percy a picture of his-. THAT HAD TO BE LAPIS- I SAW THE BOTTOM HALF OF HER FACE IN THE PICTURE.

I clenched my teeth.

I gulped.

Alright, time to face my fears. I walked over to my tablet. I hastily grabbed it, my lips in a scowl as I powered it on.

_ WHYYYYYY MEEEEEEEE, WHY ME THE GREAT AND AMAZING PERIDOTTTTT…. _

I dared click on the conversation between me and Lapis. There were multiple texts sent by her, which must’ve been the constant rings that had gone off earlier. Ah! So I’m spared of that picture because look how many of these texts there are! It  _ is _ Lapis! 

… Oh no it IS for sure Lapis. SKSJSKJ-.

Wowie, that’s a loooot of texts. I didn’t even bother looking at the times she sent them. She seems rather… paranoid and utterly apologetic for the image.

**From: UNKNOWN CONTACT**

Lemme fix that real quick actually-

**From: LAPIS**

**OH MY GOD.**

**I...**

**I’m so sorry.**

**I’m so so sorry.**

**Please delete this conversation.**

**…**

**Hello?**

**Hey.**

**You’re getting these, right?**

**Peridot…**

**Hey.**

**I’m not kidding. Please delete this conversation.**

**That wasn’t for you, I swear.**

**Hello?**

**…**

**Respond. Pleasee.**

***Please. Autocorrect.**

**Hey.**

**Hey.**

**Don’t show anybody. Okay?**

**Hello?**

**I hope you’re not a pervert.**

**…**

**…**

**Hey?**

**Hey.**

**Hello?**

**I know you’re getting these messages.**

**You better listen to me.**

**Peridot.**

**Hello.**

**Hey.**

**…**

**Hello?**

**Aloha.**

**Oh my god.**

**Hey.**

I felt like I was staring into a void. I mean… the respectful thing to do would be delete the conversation like she’s asking-

I decided to text her back.

**5:21 PM**

**To: LAPIS**

**SORRY!!! WAS BUSY!!! HI LAPIS!!! WILL DELETE NOW OK!!!!**

She replied to me!

**5:21 PM**

**From: LAPIS**

**Send me screenshot proof.**

Screenshot proof? Hmm… I assume that she physically wants to see that I have done what she has asked me. Alright! I’ll do that- delete conversation… there. Now to screenshot when I send her another message-... Lemme go to my contacts real quick. Lapis… Lapis.. ah! Not too hard to find since I have like zero people in my contacts! Aaaand, screenshot, now attach. There! Conversation deleted, and screenshot proof that it’s like a brand new conversation with her and no image!

I waited.

I tapped my toes.

My head started twitching. Is that normal?

**5:24 PM**

**From: LAPIS**

**...**

**Thank you.**

**5:24 PM**

**To: LAPIS**

**YOURE WELCOME!!!!!!!!**

  
  


That should be the end of that, right? I suppose…

I put my tablet down, staring down at my chest again. … I feel weird. I poked my chest. Is that how people court each other? Did she mean to court me? No! She couldn’t have, she even said it was meant for someone else! Who was she courting with then? 

…

OH EWWWW. DOES SHE-?

BLECH!! GROSS!! 

I shivered uncomfortably. I can understand the appeal when it comes to fictional works, but smut in the real world?!? I made a face, sticking out my tongue. 

You know, I really could’ve gone without knowing the possibility that Lapis engages in coitus. 

* * *

  
  


I was quiet as I chomped on my dinner steak, shoving some green peas into my mouth for a combined mixture of flavors. The housemaid prepped some more steamed vegetables while me and my mother enjoyed dinner. We don’t talk much, but we do get along great! I mean, if you ask me we do.

My mother discussed plans for this weekend regarding her business, and what she plans on doing in the case of my situation. She states that she is going to invest looking into another therapist, and also take me to a different doctor. It’s the usual sort of thing.

When dinner was finished and once I was excused, I went back up to my room. Just as I was about to plop down on my bed to pass out, I noticed that my tablet had a new notification. Hmm…

**7:47 PM**

**From: LAPIS**

**Steven might want your number. He’s been talking about you nonstop since you left.**

He has…? My heart skipped a beat. I was SOOO deprived of socialization ever since my mother had cancelled my visits. 

**7:48 PM**

**From: LAPIS**

**Lemme know if you’re okay with me giving it to him. He says hello.**

**Don’t worry; he doesn’t know about… you know.**

**;)**

Wait- why was there a winking face?? LAPIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

**7:48 PM**

**To: LAPIS**

**SURE!!!! HE CAN HAVE IT!!! HE CANT TAKE IT CUZ ITS MINE BUT HE CAN TEXT ME!!!!**

**7:48 PM**

**From: LAPIS**

**Okay. Thanks.**

**Don’t ever mention it to him or send him anything inappropriate. I will find you.**

I’m scared after reading that last sentence. But, more importantly; she’s… willingly texting me? Hmm…. how peculiar. Maybe she’s used to me now! Does this mean we can be friends?!?! Ohohoho- I hope!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // enjoy the one minute physical depiction of Peridot right now lol


	33. Week Five - Peridot, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Steven are able to stay in touch with FaceTiming.
> 
> CW/TW; Slightly heavier chapter. Mention of quiet hands, internal ableism, usage of the r-slur a few times, and themes of questioning self-worth/esteem.

I think that getting Steven onto my contacts was the best thing to happen to me. I never thought that I would be missing having someone, anyone, to talk to. I’ve never even had someone to talk to this much before! My youth wasn’t so social; I tended to stick to my own individuality and I was always busy with my mother anyway to even bother. My school days were spent avoiding bullies and jocks that would taunt anybody that they deemed to be a weirdo. I was too busy for friends, that or they weren’t interested in me.

So… the news that I might have not only Steven but also Lapis become my friends is a large step for me towards socialization in society. Mostly, I’m still wishing for Lapis to get on a good turf with me and befriend me the same way Steven did, so that way I could have someone more of my age group to relate to and talk about highschool stuff with. I am not that hyped for the new season. Gah, to go back to school? Gross! Disgusting, putrid, empty-headed-! I am rather thankful that summer isn’t over yet.

“Hey, Peridot!” Steven finally answered my FaceTime request. I gleefully squealed, sitting up on my bed. My mother was gone with some business work to attend to today, so I was able to have the house to myself for a while. I used this time to FaceTime my only friend, as I would be able to do so without getting judged, disciplined, you get the whim.

“Steven!” I grinned toothily. “Steven, can you hear me?!”

“Yeah, I can hear you-“ The screen froze for a second.

“CAN YOU HEAR ME??” I asked again, the volume level low on my tablet. Argh, stupid tech-! What was wrong with this thing?!? I fiddled around a bit with the buttons, finding out what buttons adjusted my mic level. Oh! There we are-! 

“... Peridot?” Steven peeped.

“Steven!” I smiled, giving a small chortle of joy. “Oh- Steven, guess what? I found a listing on EBay of the special edition platinum version of the last season of Camp Pining Hearts!! It’s even signed by the cast and director!” One thing that I’ve learned about Steven through our texting journey is that he too also knows of Camp Pining Hearts. And ever since I learned that wee detail, I’ve been non stop mentioning it or bringing it up in our conversations. He seems rather interested and equally as stoked though!

“That’s awesome! How much was it?” Steven asked.

I sucked in a breath, hissing past my teeth. “The starting bid was at two fifty…” I sighed. “There is no way that I could’ve possibly placed a bid- on top of that, I would’ve had to request allowance from my mother.” I gritted my teeth. “It’s unfair- everyone gets the opportunity to see people like the creator of the show at conventions and events… I can’t even leave my house unless it’s for an important matter such as a business meeting regarding the property between two shops in downtown E street!!”

“It’s okay, Peridot. I haven’t been to any event or convention either,” Steven assured.

“At least your mom has more wiggle room when it comes to letting you go somewhere or get anything.”

“Only sometimes,” Steven corrected. “My mom lets me go to Connie’s only because we know her parents. We don’t go into town or the city much unless we need groceries. We don’t go to the big places though. Once school starts back up though, me and Lapis can see our friends anytime!”

“That’s disgusting,” I gagged. “School? You’ve got to be joking. School is a place of educational strive without any motivation. It enforces listening to only one way of completing tasks and disregards any creative solutions that could be easier or faster to solve a problem. On top of that, stress and some unnecessary useless assignments rapidly decrease the health of students!”

“Whoa, you sound like you know a lot,” Steven commented.

“Why, thank you!” I puffed out my chest.

“It’s been quiet since you left- even Edmond misses you,” Steven frowned.

“Edmond misses me? Pfft, that’s poppycock. How can you tell that a horse misses me?”

“He just seems… sad,” Steven shrugged. “Later today, I’m gonna ask Amethyst if she wants to play a board game with me. Lapis is gonna be busy helping Blue with a painting.”

Oh… right. Today was Saturday.

_ Why am I missing Fun Saturday if I didn’t even like a majority of the time participating in it? _

Why do I keep getting these weird feelings?

“I-... I wish I could be there,” I sighed. Oh no- I admitted that out loud.

“Me too, you’re one of the most fun Chutes and Ladders players I’ve ever played with,” Steven said.

“If only we could play it online,” I mumbled.

“Hey, we probably can! I can look it up and see!”

“That’s… legal?”

Steven laughed. “Of course it’s legal, Peridot. People make games for other people to play with online. It’s like Overwatch and Fortnite, all that sort of thing.”

“But those are original video games made for a platform. Chutes and Ladders is originally a board game,” I pointed out.

“We could play Monopoly instead online,” Steven offered. 

“Hmm… yes, I suppose that we can give that a try, yes.”

“Awesome! Let me find a website and then I can give you the code so you can join me.”

As I waited for him to set up a game, I only began to miss the farm more and more. Sure I could still socialize with at least SOMEBODY through my tablet, but it’s not entirely the same as socially being within the same tile of proximity and doing it face to face. I guess… at the same time though, it’s easier to cope with in terms of avoiding people like the ones at school who’d taunt me for my glasses or interests. 

_ “Aliens? Aren’t you a bit too old to be believing in that crap?” _

_ “Am not! There is no age restriction with aliens, but you wouldn’t understand with that small brain of yours!” _

_ “Aw, look, she’s doing that thing with her hands again.” _

_ I froze, looking down at my hands. I immediately held them at my sides. Quiet hands, quiet hands-...  _

_ “Gonna cry, retard?” _

_ “I’m not crying!” I exclaimed before getting up and running off. My eyes were full of tears. I threw down the journal that I had been writing in, discarding the stupid cover and stupid papers inside that were decorated with little alien faces. I saved up my allowance to buy it. But now I don’t want it anymore. _

My first friend was a girl named Hessonite. She was my age and she knew me through my mom, who was her mom’s boss. We were closer than glue! Then… she started being mean to me when she found out my mother’s documents on me. She got new friends, a new place to call home… She said she didn’t have time for “retards” like me.

… I… never even knew that the word “retarded” was supposed to offend me. I heard it so much that I thought it was just like the word “dumb” or a word that friends used to tease each other. My mom also uses it sometimes. Hessonite also said it was another word that meant “cool” so I used it a bit while under that impression.

I mean-... I didn’t know that she  **wasn’t** teasing me until months after she moved schools. I always saw it as a weird game between me and her, and she’d say seemingly awful things out of good natured tease! Teasing! Tease this and that! Even if it sometimes hurt, I thought it was what friends do. But being friends with Steven has me kind of thinking; what if she actually wasn’t my friend? What if it wasn’t a game but her true thoughts and feelings about me? I told her a lot of secrets like when I started getting acne and how my mom would use makeup to help conceal the scars and zits, how I would first put on my socks before my pants so that I don’t have to feel the texture of my pants on my feet-

Steven has never treated me the way Hessonite did. He’s better than that, and he’s actually nice to me. 

“Hey, Peridot, are you there? I found a server for us to play on!”

I wonder though- am I worthy of having a friend like this? I’m… pretty sure that nobody would want to play with someone like me. I’m not even cured yet! And what if I’m actually bothering him about Camp Pining Hearts? What if he actually thinks I’m annoying? What if he’s only doing this out of pity?

I stared blankly at my wall. 

… I’m not worthy of this. I don’t deserve it.

I’m retarded. I’m wrong. I’m not normal, I’m like a disease. And until my mother cures me, I’m as good as nothing. I can’t even get my mom to say that I’m on the right track anywhere. Nor can I get her to be proud of me. What if I never get anywhere? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why sometimes my hands will flap or why I’m sensitive, I don’t know why certain things bother me or why other people don’t know the definition of the word abiogenesis. 

Slowly, unconsciously, my hand moved. I pressed the hang up button to end the call.

_ He deserves better. He’s so nice and he’s still a kid. Kids don’t like broken toys, and until my system can get a proper reboot and get rid of whatever virus is multiplying inside me... I’m not worth it. _


	34. Week Six - Lapis, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis begins to step foot into thin ice as she sneaks back home after delivering paintings.

I shut the window behind me, being careful and quiet. One wrong move, and everybody in the house could wake up alarmed thinking someone was breaking in. 

Tonight I managed to hand off the finished paintings to Jenny and the other cool kids, and I’m rather proud to say that my friends support me enough to pay me well for my work. Jenny was surprised how big the painting came out to be for hers. I said that I didn’t mean for it to be that big, but she didn’t mind. She promised me she’d ask if it could be hung up in her family’s pizza shop. Wouldn’t that be something.

“- I’ve tried and called them again this morning. They say that they can’t keep giving me these medications with all the surgeries I’ve had. I could risk internal bleeding or rupture of an important organ.”

“I think that you should go and get officially seen. This is becoming serious and it’s deteriorating your health.”

_ Rose? Greg? What are they doing up at this hour? _

I hid behind a corner in the hallway, putting my mission of getting back to my room unseen and unheard at a temporary pause. What was going on…? From the sounds of it, they’re in their bedroom. It’s a dangerous position for me as I’m almost right outside their door. I’m praying that the floorboards don’t creak.

“But what about Steven and Lapis?”

Greg sighed. “I can’t keep this up, Rose. I love you, and I love both my kiddos, but lying to them like this-“

_ … Lying? _

“It isn’t lying if you’re protecting the people you love.”

“Protecting them? From what?” There was a small second of quiet. “Rose, is there something you need to tell me? What’s going on?”

“I wish that I could.”

I leaned in, trying to hear some more. Eavesdropping isn’t always a good thing. But if it involves me and Steven, I believe I have every right to be intrigued.

_ Rose mentioned medications. _

_ … Medications… _

_ She doesn’t take medications. I’ve never seen her take any! _

I thought about it a bit. Then, I remembered the pills in the shed back when I got my paints and paintbrushes. But… those were Lion’s, weren’t they? They couldn’t be, usually stuff like that would be kept inside high up away from us and more importantly from Steven just to be safe. Why would any pills be in a shed anyway? Now that I think of it...

… Unless someone is hiding something.

I leaned in more. They seemed to be whispering now. 

_ This is so strange. _

Just as I moved in more to catch any kind of further conversation, a loud scream scared me. I flinched, the scowl of an angry cat fading to a hiss. I had accidentally tripped on Lion.

“Lion? Oh- poor thing-“ Rose spoke up, also frightened by the sound. I could hear footsteps coming to the door. Now I really had to move it. I booked it for my room before Rose or Greg could come see what the fuss was about. I only shut my door slightly so that it wouldn’t slam, afterwards hopping onto my bed and quickly assuming a slumbering position.

My heart was racing. I was breathing like I had been running for miles.

I… don’t know what’s going on, and I’m concerned for what it has to do with me and Steven being mentioned. But I’m pretty convinced that something is happening right underneath our noses. I can’t shake the strange and uncomfortable feeling off.

What’s going on? And for how long?

_ Rose would never lie. She isn’t that kind of person. _

_ … _

_ Is she? _


	35. Week Six - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot attends her first actual business assembly with her mother.
> 
> CW: Mention of quiet hands, hinted ableism

_Sit up, chin back, shoulders straight-_

“Peridot, stop wiggling your hands. You’re going to embarrass me in front of White,” my mother hissed.

“Sorry,“ I quietly murmured, forcing myself to sit still.

It was only this morning that I had been informed of a very important entrepreneur meeting involving my mother, her business partner, and the ultimate head of the businesses. This meant that a single slip could risk my mom losing her position, and or that one of the other lead women will scorn my mother for eons. Although I would’ve preferred that my mother bring these news to me the day before and not the day of so that I may mentally prepare myself for my first ever trip like this...

I sat in my chair at the long table, gazing around at the others waiting for all attendants to arrive. It was a fairly compact room with windows at every wall, and a skylight above. We were at the very top of the tower, a bird’s eye view if you will of the city beneath us. My mother mentioned that it’s symbolic; to represent that we are the seeing eye of the city and that we are hawks above pigeons, whatever that metaphor means. Hawks are carnivores, and they prey upon pigeons. My best guess is that the metaphor means we are at a higher stance than the rest of the city and responsible for the life of death of someone…?

“Pay attention. Bronagh’s arrived,” my mom nudged me in my side. With a wince and very fast glare, I peered over at the doorway to see who was coming in. I’ve only heard of the names of these other businesswomen- this is my first time actually seeing them in person. This would be good for both future reference and physical introduction into the workforce as my mom says. She also said that it was with great hesitance she decided to bring me along this time, as representatives for each would also be there. I stand in temporarily as a representative for my mother today. I have a lot of stress and responsibility on my shoulders right now… oh gosh. And it’s only practice!

A woman wearing a long dark blue coat stepped into the room. She had hair so pale that it looked white. Her skin was a warm chocolate and her eyes were pitch blue. With her, she had another woman who had frosted hair tied into two buns. Which one was the representative? They both looked like they could be either or! I watched, silently, curiously.

“Yadira,” the woman with the coat smiled as she approached my mother. Ah, that must be the businesswoman then. So the other is her representative. “Pleased to see you again.”

“Bronagh,” my mom cleared her throat in reply, accepting a handshake from the other woman. “Pleasure to see you as well.”

“Is this your daughter that you mentioned? My, she looks adorable,” Bronagh chuckled. 

My cheeks warmed up. Am I blushing?? DID SHE JUST CALL ME ADORABLE?? A BUSINESS LADY CALLED ME CUTE-.

“Do not be fooled. There’s damage with her that I cannot repair,” my mother huffed.

I frowned. 

“Damage? Oh, how awful…” Bronagh sighed. “I’m terribly sorry, Yadira.”

“By the looks of it, her father was a bastard with no sense of decency. Her hair is an absolute menace,” the representative with the hair buns scoffed in my direction.

“I wouldn’t call you wrong, Holly,” my mom agreed. “But watch your tongue. My genes were the most dominant when it comes to most of her attributes.”

I only felt more awful.

“Gracious that it has the same color as your hair, or I would’ve been already weeping for you,” Holly rolled her eyes. “Where is your husband anyway? Deceased?”

_… Did she just call me an “it”?-_

“Holly, step down,” Bronagh ordered. “My apologies, Yadira.”

“It’s fine, it has been a while and we do need to catch up,” my mom excused. 

_I was hoping my mother would answer so that I could at least know who or where my father is…_

“Have you had any children?” My mother asked Bronagh.

Bronagh shook her head. “I have not,” she said. 

“Marvelous. You’ve already made a better decision than me,” my mom laughed. I slunk into my seat a little. As the two shared a chuckle, I slowly began to feel horrible about myself.

_Is this what all business people do? Is it normal?_

_Why did my mom have me if she didn’t even want me?_

“Where’s White?” My mom questioned.

“She will be here shortly,” another voice answered. We all turned back to the doorway, and there stood someone familiar.

“V-Volley?” I blurted. My mother gave me a nasty look.

“Volley?” Bronagh murmured. “What kind of name…”

“Show some respect,” Holly barked at me. “That’s Vivianne, White’s representative and assistant. Don’t mind Yadira’s rude daughter, Vivi.”

_Volley is…-?_

Volley noticed me and she didn’t even seem to care. If anything, she pretended that she didn’t see me. “Everyone, please welcome Miss White,” she spoke boldly, her arms held out at her sides, bent. What an odd posture… What kind of meaning or symbol did it have?

_How old is she-? She can’t be any older than twenty!_

_She’s the representative for one of the biggest and most successful business industries…?_

_She goes to the equine therapy too! Oh stars, what if this Miss White and my mother both sent us there because we in their image aren’t suitable for the task? Is our image wrong? Our personalities?_

_I wish that I could ask her-._

My mother and everyone else in the room bowed their heads. I paused before I did the same. I guess that I was doing something right since my mom didn’t yell at me or call me out?

Everyone seemed to hold their breath as a very well-dressed woman appeared in the doorway. She had curly short hair that was graying, a long silky white dress topped with black mink fur around her neck, and heels that clicked every time she walked although we were on carpet. I felt rather intimidated, nervous.

_That’s Miss White? Talk about a walking fossil- How OLD is she?_

“White-“ my mother began to greet her, only for the higher authority to silence her.

“Yadira, Bronagh, good to see you,” White tipped her chin up. She stared directly at me, observing me. My heart skipped a beat, unsteady. Was she judging me?? What if she didn’t see me as up to standards and blamed it on my mom-?! 

I gulped.

“Don’t mind her. She’s only here for just today. My regular representative should return for the next meeting,” my mom explained, catching White’s look.

“Oh? How… thoughtful,” White beamed. “You’re Yadira’s spawn, aren’t you? Marvelous.”

_She talks in the same mannerisms as my mother…?_

I quickly examined the other business ladies. 

_They all sometimes sound like each other in terms of word procession and terminology now that I reflect back on it. Weird…_

“Yadira mentioned your name to be Peridot, correct? What do you know about entrepreneurship? Leasing? Rent?” White asked me. Her voice carried this chilling and icicle-like sound. It unnerved me beyond relief.

_Don’t move your hands. Don’t flap your hands. Quiet hands, quiet hands-. DON’T MESS THIS UP!!!_

“Um…-“ I began before I adjusted my answer. The burning stare of my mother was pressuring me. She was waiting for me to fail. She was waiting for me to embarrass her. I couldn’t do that! I have to answer in a way that will impress White-! “I know a lot, actually,” I quietly added.

“Speak up, you sound like you’re mumbling,” White raised a brow, dissatisfied. 

_Oh goshohgoshohgosh-..._

_I can feel them staring at me-._

_I can’t fail this-!_

_Stay still, stay still- don’t move your hands, PERIDOT I SWEAR IF YOU MOVE YOUR HANDS-_

“I was saying, at a lower level of volume before fixing it accordingly just now, that I know a lot about those fields,” I spoke up. “My mother has me on top of the class when it comes to understanding how leasing and rent works, and I am well aware of the characteristics of what makes an entrepreneurship. Self motivation is only one of them, but you also need an understanding of how money works, offers, risks, networking, management, and flexibility. Qualities that can make a good entrepreneur include discipline, confidence, creativity, determination, and the ability to carry conversation with others that is not only interesting but informative and smooth.”

It was quiet.

I bit my bottom lip. My eyes widened. Did I… say something wrong?

A few more seconds, then White gave a chortle. 

_Did I… amuse her?_

“Oh, Yadira, she is a riot,” White smiled. “I love that. You’ve taught her well. Come, child, sit by me. I’d like to hear everything else your mother taught you right.” She pulled out a chair beside her as she took a seat at the table.

Holly had her mouth gaped open. I turned to my mom, who equally was as shocked as Bronagh. Volley- Vivianne, I mean, was nonchalant.

_Just like Lapis…_

I braved moving forward after my mom gave approval, taking the seat beside White. 

“Tell me, child, what else have you been enlightened with? Perhaps you can start with telling me about rent,” White purred with encouragement. 

Although still a bit afraid in the face of higher authority, I took a breath before I started to info dump all my knowledge and state of knowing. Whether White was using me for amusement or not, it didn’t matter to me.

Why? Because in that moment, in that very second where she _willingly wanted_ to hear me, I felt like somebody… actually cared about me. Wanted to… _hear_ me.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


I wasn’t able to check my tablet during the meeting, but afterwards, I powered it on secretly as my mother got a private taxi to take us back home.

My mom for once, seemed at ease. Maybe even a bit _happy_ with me.

I glanced down at my tablet as I kept it at my side away from the view of my mother, eager to check on my new game that I had downloaded; a simple farming game, and I was already doing great with it. My crops just needed to be watered and harvested since I was unable to during the meeting…-

I made a face as I received a notification. I don’t like it when I’m trying to focus and something interrupts me. Who was texting me?? I clicked the notification, letting it take me to my texts.

**3:01 PM  
From: LAPIS**

**I know this is sudden, but… Steven says that you’re pretty smart.**

**I can’t tell anybody else this.**

**Peridot, I need your help. Can I trust you?**

**Call me when you can. I can’t text it.**

I scratched my forehead, confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’ll try and draw illustrations later for recent chapters- been busy  
> Also bonus points if you know where Blue Diamond’s human name in this AU comes from!


	36. Week Six - Peridot, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Lapis have a conversation regarding Lapis’ concerns.

When Lapis told me that she needed my help yesterday, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. It sounds terribly urgent. And ME, of all people too?! Or am I only her last option? She did say that she can’t turn to anybody else… hmph. Perhaps I am just her last option. But! Nonetheless, she needs my help. Maybe this can even help get our friendship on track! 

… Does she consider me her friend?

I hope she does- I mean, I hope she at least  _ considered  _ it…

I waited until night, that way my mother and the housemaid will be asleep. I can’t have them hear me or walk in on me otherwise I for sure would be grounded. Maybe even worse! I’m lucky that Lapis was also awake by the looks of it scrolling through these texts... I question if she ever sleeps though… Hm. I can’t make assumptions, perhaps she does and she’s just up because she needs my help and it’s keeping her awake. I would be the same way too. I clutched my chicken feathers close to my chest, tablet in my other hand as I sat on my bed. This was a bit past my usual bedtime...

**10:58 PM**

**To: LAPIS**

**ILL CALL YOU NOW. OKAY???**

**10:59 PM**

**From: Lapis**

**Go for it.**

Once given permission, I dialed her number then waited. Ugh I love my tablet so much. It’s so useful and resourceful! 

“Helloooo?” I said once the call had been picked up. 

“Peridot?” Lapis spoke. Was she whispering? Or just talking quietly? “Give me a second.”

The other line went quiet.

Uh… okay…

I awkwardly sat there, playing with my chicken feathers. I chewed on my cheek, waiting.

“- Alright. Hey. Are you still there?” Lapis finally spoke again. I could hear crickets and other nighttime noises in the background. 

“Uhhh yeah,” I shrugged. Too bad I wasn’t FaceTiming her, I could’ve seen why on earth she told me to wait! Why was she whispering a second ago? What’s going on!? If it’s like… illegal stuff, I don’t wanna get involved. I’m on a good course here! 

“Alright. I… don’t know how to say this otherwise without saying it as is.”

I panicked. “Oh no- you DID mean to send that picture to me?!-“

“What?” Lapis said, baffled. “No! Why the fuck-? No. No. Peridot, I’m not talking about that.”

“... Oh.”

“Why did you even think-?”

“I don’t know!” I admitted, cheeks red. “I just thought that-“

“This is more important. I’m… scared if Steven and I are okay.”

That definitely got my attention. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Is Steven okay?! HEY LAPIS, ARE YOU OKAY?!”

“I mean, I was suspicious before, but… I overheard a few things-“

“Okay, okay, okay, slow down.”

“Can you look up names of small white pills?”

“Pills?!” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “White pills can be anything! Why pills? Gaaah, if this is criminal stuff I don’t wanna-“

“It isn’t. Trust me. Please.”

I had doubts. “Ooookay. Then why pills?” I questioned.

Lapis sighed.

I waited.

“I think something is happening. Something dark,” Lapis explained. “I overheard Greg and Rose talking about medications. Surgeries. Greg mentioned something about lying to me and Steven.”

“Sooo… you want me to help you find out what’s going on?” I concluded.

“Yes.”

“Nyeh, I don’t know smack about medications. I’m an entrepreneur, I’m an expert in business fields, not medical emergency lines.”

“Peridot, you’re probably the only person I can tell about this. Nobody else would believe me, or I can’t tell them otherwise they’d spread word.” Lapis paused. “... Promise me you won’t tell anybody about this.”

“I promise, I guess?”

“No. I want you to mean it.”

“Okay! Okay, I promise. I pinkie swear, I, Peridot, hereby and henceforth swear it or else you may have my first born child birthed of my own blood.”

“... Wow. That’s… deep,” Lapis commented plainly.

“Hey, I’m promising!”

“If it helps, the pills were oval shaped. I couldn’t see anything else. They were in the shed when I first saw them. I think they’re the same pills they were talking about.”

“Oval shaped pills…” I echoed. “Oval shaped pills… Why were they in a shed-?”

“How long does it take for cats to heal or die from cancer?”

“W-WHOA. LAPIS, WHAT-“

“If you know, I mean.”

“WHERE DID THAT QUESTION- I’M NOT A NURSE?”

“God, okay, I’m just asking.”

I nervously set down my feathers. “... I’m not sure of what’s going on or what exactly is happening, but… yeah, I’ll… uh- try to uh- find some answers, for you,” I cleared my throat.

“Thank you,” Lapis stated. “It’s not gonna be easy since you don’t come here anymore, but… I appreciate it.”

I blinked. “You… do?”

“Yeah. A lot.”

My body felt weird. I didn’t even know what to say back.

“Text me if you find anything,” Lapis said. And with that, she hung up on me.

… Uh.

… Okay then.

Pills, cancer, surgeries? Her and Steven in trouble?

_ I’m so confused. _

_ But… if she needs my help and if Steven is also needing my help… _

_ Alright! I’ll do it. _

I pulled up an incognito tab on my tablet.

_ Let’s begin research! _


	37. Week Six - Lapis, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis mentally dabbles with her suspicions and reasons of why she reached out to Peridot.
> 
> Short chapter.

I can’t tell Amethyst. She’s obviously too immature and would tell everyone. I couldn’t tell Blue. She’s too nervous and skittish, she would tell someone too. Volley is… too quiet, she wouldn’t understand or would tell Rose and Greg. And that’s just about everyone that comes to the farm that I considered even remotely telling them about my suspicions.

Outside of appointments or friends I’ve made at the farm, there’s Jenny, Buck, and Sour Cream. They are too bothered by other things to care. That and… I’m not sure if they’d tell people too. Jasper is just… ugh. No. I couldn’t tell her unless I absolutely needed her help to get out of here.

I have about one seventy five saved up from the paintings I did for my friends and from back when I got allowance for my chores. If things go awry, if Steven and I are in darker trouble than I think, I’m going to need it. I’m also learning to drive right now. Or I could take a horse...

Call me paranoid, but if you walked upon hearing your own adopted parents talk about medications, pills, surgeries, and  _ lying _ to you, what would you do? 

I want Steven to be safe. That is my number one priority. I don’t care if I’d get hurt, or if I’d get killed. Steven comes first. He is the reason why I’m determined to find out what’s going on. If he’s in danger, it’s my job to get him away from here if it’s necessary. I’ve never had siblings before, but I am proud to say that I’m his sister.

“Is something wrong, Lapis?” Greg asked as I continued to poke at my sunny-side up eggs with my fork. Steven was busy eating his toast across the table from me.

I shook my head with a low sigh, exhausted. “I’m not hungry,” I said, pushing my plate away. I hate mornings like this where we sit down and have breakfast. I try to avoid them when I can, if I can. I can stand dinner, but breakfast? It’s too early and I need to do my chores… Besides, it’s twice as awkward and tense now knowing that Rose and Greg are hiding something. My appetite definitely vanished now.

“I could make you something else if you’d-“

“I’m not. Hungry,” I enunciated clearly. “You can give my plate to the chickens.”

I marched outside, ignoring the stare of Greg and Steven. I could make an excuse later saying that I stayed up late and that I’m just tired, or that it’s that time of the month and I’m hormonal. Rose would understand that most definitely, as she was the one who had to take me to the doctors before to find out I’m anemic around that time.

… I honestly miss ignorance being bliss. I miss being oblivious, I miss when I had this happy and safe, warm feeling around my family.

_ I’m sorry. But I don’t know who to trust anymore. _

_ Give Peridot some more time. Even if I’d like this to be quick, I still have lots to do before I point fingers all the way.  _

_ Please… let me be wrong. I know what I’ve heard and what I’ve seen but… I can’t deal with this. Not now. Not with Steven, not with anybody. I don’t want to be too drastic, but... _

_ What if something  _ **_bad_ ** _ happens? _


	38. Week Six - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot is invited to see White again. Things take a turn.
> 
> TW/CW: ableism, misinformation of autism, mentions of horrifying treatments/medical procedures, abuse

“You… you’re serious?”

“Unfortunately,” my mother growled. “Now, get ready and come along. White doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

I can’t believe this. I’m actually moving up in the world by becoming favored by an upper class businesswoman that my mother works under!! Isn’t this exciting?! AAGH, my heart was pounding. I did my mom justice enough to the point that we were invited to come have dinner with White herself! The myth, the legend, eek! And it’s all thanks to ME! I played my cards correctly so to metaphorically speak with my first time ever meeting White!!

I got ready, choosing clothes that my mother had preapproved of that would suit me looking nice. Once done, I met my mom and our house maid down in the living room. I adjusted the glasses on my face, standing tall, proudly. I left my tablet in my room to charge since I would be busy with this dinner anyway. Would’ve been nice to know earlier but-.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this. Mom! Mom, oh my gosh, did she say anything about me? Besides the fact that I am by her quote ‘full of promise and full of knowledge’?” I bragged as I went over to my mother. I was so giddy! So happy!

“Besides the fact that you don’t know when to be quiet?” My mom challenged with a disapproving huff. “Quit flapping your hands, Peridot. Do you need the rubber bands again?”

“Oh. Sorry…” I frowned. “My apologies, ma’am.” I fell silent. I would rather not be disciplined in front of White...

“We will be attending a Mongolian restaurant, one of White’s favorites,” my mother informed me. “Remember your manners, speak only when addressed or spoken to, and for the love of my name do  _ not _ fail me.”

“I won’t, ma’am,” I promised.

I had been busy this entire week searching up things for Lapis. This could be a good stress reliever for me and also some delicious food! Plus a chance to show off and prove that I’m not worthless, that I can make it in the world and succeed my mother?! Yes!! Ooh, what if my mom tells me after tonight that I make a fantastic addition to society?! I’m so excited.

_ I’m sorry, Lapis. It’s just a quick dinner and then I’ll be home and back to work on your problem. _

I hadn’t found  _ anything  _ about oval white pills…

But… while I did the research for Lapis as well, I stumbled across some other things for my own self discovery. Least be said, I… am having my own troubles now trying to tell what is truth or what is just rumor and lie knowing the nature of the internet.

I couldn’t help myself. I… I researched autism. Without Rose, I’ve never felt so unsure of myself before. I know that I should trust my mother and what she says but-! When you find two pages that are colliding with each other unable to agree or meet a ground on if autism is caused by vaccines or not, you start questioning your entire life that is framed upon curing this very disease.

Even more interesting? According to some sites, it’s actually not a disease. It’s a disability. A neurological disorder according to some. Neurological… the anatomy of the nervous system including the brain… is it in my brain? No, couldn’t be, could it? My mother… never mentioned anything about that. And I find it odd how most sites that came up on the first page were to preach about how infectious autism is. How, if it’s only in the brain and not something with actual bacteria that can be spread? I’m pretty sure that you don’t spread it by the way of coughing or sneezing. If so, why isn’t my mom affected? So I am confused now- is it a disease? Or is it actually something akin more to a simple trip in the brain? How can my mother cure it? Is the internet lying to me? Surely, my mom would be smart enough to try and block websites that cause misinformation. But nothing is blocked at all! That, or she had never thought of it before, and for once, I carry more wit than her. Is that something to be proud of? But what if… what if I’m wrong? What if I’m endangering myself and picking up on the wrong information!? And why do some pages say to avoid a website called Autism Speaks? I don’t get it...

I’m so sorry mom, I couldn’t help it! Why haven’t I done this before? Why can I never find a page that has accurate information? Why is it that some pages call it a disease? Why do others call it a disability? Which is it?! Can it be cured? Can it not be cured? How is it caused by? What is it caused by? How many does it affect? What does it affect? How long has it been around?

I’ll ah- have to look more into it. Doing research for Lapis had only piqued my interest in going AWOL so to put it. I trusted my mom enough but-... looking at all these sites, I’m unsure if I was making the right choice believing everything she told me. She could be right, I could be wrong. I’m paranoid! Obsessed! Frightened! Then why does the question of begging to know if I’m right or wrong capture me so?

I mustn’t be so caught in this mess, I must leave it to my mother so that she can help me and I’ll help her by not interfering. It’s my stupid fault for wanting to see other things when I should be doing another most important topic. I must be researching for Lapis and Lapis alone. She needs my help! She came to me for my help, entrusting me! I cannot be blinded by my own selfish curiosity. 

Then why does the back of my head ring so loudly, asking over and over again should I do it? Should I continue to act on my own accord and for once see for myself the research behind the very thing that has run my life the way a circus man runs his lions? Autism, autism, autism this and that! All my hospital visits, all my private therapy, psychological, doctor visits-! All because of it!

...

I… um, I can’t get ahead of myself here. I’m sure that my mother knows what’s best and that she is doing what she can to help me. I cannot bring misinformation myself to the table since that does no good ever. I mustn’t get too giddy or wrapped up in all these antics...

I gotta stay on track for Lapis, and Lapis first. I gotta help my friends!! For now, this sudden meeting with White, then I’ll return to my studies of figuring out the case of these mysterious white pills that Lapis wants the name of. No luck yet…

_ Don’t get ahead of yourself Peridot, it’s probably best to leave it to higher authority and not question it. They know what’s best! _

But I could not say the same for the authority of Rose shall Lapis not be going paranoid too in her own way. Although… if my mom is to be trusted, shouldn’t all adults be? They’ve been around longer and have had the chance to gain more knowledge than the younger generation!

GAH, why is everything so CONFUSING???

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


“What about needles? Your pain tolerance seems it can handle acupuncture,” My mom noted as she browsed through more options of what she could do with me regarding my own… problem. 

_ I miss the farm….  _

_ I miss the chickens… _

“Peridot.”

“Oh-! Sorry, what?” I blurted, having been lost in thought.

My mother sighed. I winced. “Do try to stay on the same page as me, or this will take forever and waste my time,” my mom grumbled. “I want you to look through this list after dinner and tell me what can be done next. I have marked what we have already tried. I was impressed by your accurate reports from our last attempt to squeeze the wrongness out of you, your honesty and your cooperation with me was acceptable. It opened my eyes and lent me guidance to remove you from incompetent failure. Perhaps you can provide insight for the next attempt as well.”

She… is giving me a choice? Well, not exactly, taking a quick look at the list that she flashed me before putting it away. I nodded to show that I was listening and that I would tend to the matter later. 

_ She trusts me enough to entrust such a special important task to me!! It’s like I’m a business partner!! _

_ But-... the reports weren’t 100% accurate… I left out certain details…  _

_ Ohhhh, mom I promise that I won’t lie or hide much anymore! _

“I appreciate that you seem to understand my intentions more clearly now. I only wish to help remove the virus of yours, correct your behavior and exterminate defects. Do  _ not  _ disappoint me,” my mom firmly reminded me past clenched teeth. That statement thrummed repeatedly in my skull. It was rather a bit creepy too given my thought a second before she said anything.

_ Quiet hands, do not disappoint.  _

_ Become the very thing you were trained and brought up to be! Peridot, do not slip up or else they will fail you as a prodigy!  _

I held my breath, preparing myself. I felt so…  _ happy  _ that my mother was complimenting me like this. Is this normal? Ugh, I’ve never had her say anything remotely considered a compliment before so this made me feel… complete. For once, I didn’t feel…  _ alienated _ .

_ Is that the word? _

_ But she doesn’t alienate me! It’s only a feeling, a prickle in my throat and lump in my chest! … Right? To alienate is an exaggeration! She just wants a good life for me! _

When our private taxi pulled up to the restaurant in the city minutes later, I adjusted my outfit accordingly to assure that not a speck of dust lay on me or a single line was askew. I must be the prime perfection of my mother’s name and image! 

I followed closely behind my mom, holding a good posture. We walked into the restaurant together, finding it deprived of any other guests. It was empty. This must be super special if White is hosting a private event and rented out the whole restaurant… I’ve never had Mongolian before either. My mom was more of an Italian or American sort of person, so my familiarity lay with pastas and sandwiches. Obviously coffee too!

I froze when I saw a familiar face approach us. “Good evening. Do come with me,” Volley- should I call her Vivi now? Vivianne? I’m still shocked that she was here too- told us. 

_ Is she ever gonna say anything about me? _

_ Oh gosh oh gosh I’m still so so sorry for the rude question back at the farm. I didn’t know that it would sound-. _

_ Does she remember me? She must! I remember her, and she knows I was there-! We met before again back at the business meeting-! _

I studied her face, searching for anything at all that could be a clue to if she would react to my presence. But there wasn’t anything!! I stayed quiet. I huffed under my breath. Maybe she just wanted to stay professional. That was a valid reason to ignore me.

Volley- I’m gonna call her that until I’m given explicit permission to call her otherwise- took us to a nicely decorated table in the middle of the restaurant. The table wrapped around a grill, so it’s one of  _ those  _ places where they cook in front of you as I have heard before. White was waiting for us there, dressed in a midnight black dress studded with glittering diamonds, finished with white jewels dangling from her ears and wrapped in her hair. Talk about a diamond lover… What was she, Rihanna’s song? 

I sat down after Volley pulled out a seat for me. I stuttered out a quick thank you as my mother took her seat beside me. She didn’t say any thank you. I felt… bad for Volley.

“Ah, my favorite entrepreneur,” White gave a grin at me so big her teeth matched her diamond attire. It’s kind of… uh, unnerving? I flinched. I would be shaking right now if my mom wasn’t next to me!!

“Greet her back, do not be rude,” my mom nudged me.

“Pleasantly said, Yadira,” White complimented. “It’d be an awful shame if her skill was wasted by the tragedy of poor mannerisms. Here, I will offer you a chance of redemption, child. Order your plate for tonight.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am-“ I spat quickly in apology. 

“No, no apologies. Your stomach must be growling,” White mused.

_ She tells me to be more polite, then denies my apology?? The heck?? _

“I am  _ malnourished _ ,” my mother sighed. “Caring for a single child who has more brain problems than a pigeon is exhausting.”

“Actually, pigeons-“ I piped up, only to be hushed with a glare. I know my place. I shouldn’t have spoken. Stupid! “... I mean, I’m gonnaaaa ordermyfoodnow,” I decided as I slurred my words altogether nervously, almost dropping the menu in front of me on the table. I’m such a wreck, oh my gosh. I took a quick browse through the menu, landing upon a bowl of noodles and pork for my dish. My mom of course noticed and she wasn’t pleased. White just sat there quietly, observing as if I’m a jester.

Once we had all ordered however, my mother getting the same as me, the conversation continued as a chef at the grill made our dinner. I could smell the sweet smell of that pork… it was so HEAVENLY-! Perhaps I am starving. I hope that I am not drooling or I will look like a creep!!

“Bronagh tells me that the daughter of one of her employees is a beautiful artist,” White brought up, inserting a straw into her drink after a waiter served her red wine. “Does your daughter do anything in her spare time?”

My mom shook her head. I slumped into my chair a little. “All she does is sit idle by and play ridiculous virtual games,” she said.

_ Video games… _

But I couldn’t say it. I listened, and I was perfect.

“What a shame,” White frowned. “All of that time and energy could have been invested into something productive or creative.”

_ IS THAT THE ONLY WORD YOU KNOW, WOMAN? SHAME SHAME SHAMESHAMESHAME-. _

_ I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying or thinking that… _

_ I probably do bring my mother great shame come to think of it… _

I looked at the food that was being made, my mouth watering. In the corner of my eye, I saw Volley, and I almost jumped. She was just… standing there STARING at us!! What the heck?!?! Doesn’t she come sit with us?? I blinked, awkwardly, then I refocused my attention.

“I recall you mentioned brain problems with your daughter, Yadira? May you elaborate?” White invited. 

_ Uh oh. _

“I’ve mentioned it only briefly before today with you, but Peridot has autism,” my mom said. “I’ve tried for  _ years  _ to cure her.”

“Autism?” White seemed lost. “Isn't that the disease spread by vaccines?” She gave a light laugh. “I’ve heard that too much mercury can do it. I’m personally wary of my vaccines.”

_ Mercury? _

_ I didn’t see any of that during my research… _

_ And by the sounds of it, mom didn’t say much about me until recently?  _

_ She was probably ashamed of me… _

_ Too ashamed to share about me... _

“Hmm. Could be,” my mother thought on the suggestion. “I’ve tried multiple therapists and doctors. I’ve had to pay heavily out of pocket for most. Some of which put me in debt.”

_ She… spends that much on me? So she does care about me? _

_ I remember one doctor… he… was awful… he… he did awful things... _

“I’m terribly sorry,” White gave her condolences. “Had I known sooner, I would’ve helped you.”

“No, there’s no need. I can manage just fine as long as I stay on course. I believe I might have a breakthrough on it,” my mother assured.

_ Do I have to talk with similar mannerisms if I go into business? Or is it just a thing they do with each other? I mean, my mom talks like that all the time-. _

“Well, if you would like, I can lend you my doctors. They’re savvy with advanced medicine,” White offered.

My mother shook her head. “Thank you, White. I’ll decline for now to try a few more things, but if all fails, I’ll request your assistance.”

“What was your last attempt? Medicine?” White asked.

“No, an equine therapy center,” my mom corrected. “I was told to give it a try and after looking at the reviews, I had hoped that it would be the one to cleanse my daughter. She informed me that it wasn’t working for her.”

“I- I liked it though,” I spoke without thinking. Oops. I clamped my jaws shut although it was too late. And once I was talking, I couldn’t stop! “I got to pet chickens- Volley! You were there too! I’m… still so so so so sorry about the whole jibber-jabber on Saturday a month ago.”

The room went silent, save for the sound of cooking. 

_ What? Why is everyone looking at me? _

White had an expression that I couldn’t particularly pick out, and my mother on the other hand seemed surprised. 

“Why do you keep calling her that?” My mom scolded. “You called Vivianne that during the meeting-“

“Vivianne? At an equine therapy center?” White sounded interested. It scared me, honestly. Her voice had this…  _ slither _ to it. “That’s… quite a tale. Vivianne is always at my side. She never leaves me. The only time I allow her to leave is for her breaks here and there. She’s my loyal right hand. Excellent at picking out the freshest fruit in produce at grocery stores as well.”

I stole a quick look back at Volley. She was still staring at us, but she now bore a large frown across her face. She was staring at  _ me. _

_ Huh…? _

“You must be confused,” my mother snarled at me, gesturing for me to shut up. 

“No! Not at all! Volley was there with us during Fun Saturday! Although I felt outcasted when I blurted out a rude remark, I learned my lesson that it was rude and that I shouldn’t be saying-...” I trailed off.

_ … Oh. _

_ I shouldn’t be talking right now. _

_ Ohhhh gosh. Why am I like this? Why do I keep going once I’m on a roll? Peridot! You clod!! You stinky, gibberish clod-! _

My mom’s burning gaze seemed to strangle my soul. I gulped. 

“Vivianne?” White stood up, her hands clasped together neatly. “May I speak with you for a moment?”

“Of course, ma’am,” Volley dipped her head. She looked… worried?

White began to leave the restaurant to head to the back, Volley following her. As White walked past my mother, she paused, taking something from her pocket and handing it to my parent. “I will be right back. In the meantime, perhaps consider this if your methods are failing? I know a good surgeon who can perform lobotomy.”

_ Lob… LOB- WHAT?!? _

_ I-IS SHE SUGGESTING-?!? _

My mother nodded, observing the card.

I couldn’t catch my breath. It was caught in my throat. Am I choking?! Oh my gosh am I choking?!?

Lob… lobotomy… the removal of certain brain parts, an outdated service for mental illness patients-... 

Is… is my mom… is she going to…-?

Oh… 

Oh my gosh…

I sat there, dwelling on what just happened.

_ This is all my fault. _

_ This is all my fault- where's Volley going?! Why does White have that card just randomly about?!  _

_ Is White… is she going to give Volley a…-? _

_ And how come she didn’t know Volley went to-? _

It dawned on me. I was horrified.

I had just released vital information. Volley must’ve been visiting the equine center in secret. Right? Because why else would White not… but then why is Volley visiting? Why did White have that card?

My heart rate accelerated. I no longer felt hungry. Even when my bowl was served to me, I ignored it, more focused on watching my mom as she studied the card.

_ I… _

_ … _

_ … I’m going to get parts of my brain removed… aren’t I…? _

For the first time in my life, my nightmares felt true. For the first time in my life, I was  _ terrified  _ of my mother, and I was internally begging, crying, wishing, HOPING that she wouldn’t go through with White’s suggestion.

_ … I could become nothing but a living hell for myself… unable to think, unable to do anything. _

_ I’d be like a zombie. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // A bit of a more longer chapter... Working on getting back to making illustrations for this fic!
> 
> Lemme just say this now, things are gonna get a bit more darker in nature after this chapter for a while, as well as adventurous and dangerous... Things are gonna finally let loose.


	39. Week Six - Volley, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> • Volley POV Chapter •
> 
> Volley is held in interrogation with White after Peridot’s outburst.
> 
> CW/TW: abuse, emotional and verbal manipulation, mentions of murder, surgical themes

“How long have you been attending?” 

“... Four months, my mistress.”

“How have you been attending?”

“I sneak away on my breaks.” I held my ground, answering every question honestly and refusing to cave in to fear. I had to be obedient. I had to be honest. Miss White had saved me from certain death, and I repay her with my life. The scar on my eye proves it, a hideous mark that is one of the only things left of Peony, a former business partner who had been aligned with the Diamond Industries and had been in charge of agriculture. Everybody knows about her mysterious and sudden murder, and rumors say the culprit dragged her body to a river where only her hair and torn clothes had been recovered. She was a pushy primadonna. I cannot remember exactly how Peony scarred me, but my life has been better with White. White gives me a home, food, and a good life. I owe my life to White, who saved me if not my eye.

“Why have you been attending?” Miss White walked around me, the dimness of the room shadowing upon me. 

“To enjoy my last moments before surgery, Miss,” I replied. “Once I undergo surgery, some of my senses may be-.”

“Aw, don’t be so dramatic with me, dear,” White cooed. “Once you undergo surgery, I promise that the world for you will be less painful than it is now. You do realize that I care, correct? Hence, why I’m looking out for you.”

“Understandable, Miss.”

“We cannot allow such… damaged or inapplicable minds to risk our success. The city and surrounding state depends on us for most of the economy’s balance.”

“I understand, Miss.”

“And so I will be doing two goods with one stone.” White paused, eyeing me. “If only we could also do something for your face.”

“It’s fine, ma’am,” I assured.

“I’m glad that we understand each other. I promise, you will feel much better afterwards. You will not go to that place again, and you will not sneak out under my nose again.”

“Yes, Miss.” I bowed my head.

“It’s hard enough losing Peony… my poor starlight of our collaboration…” White sighed.

“I’m sorry, Miss.”

“Thank you, Vivi.” White brushed her hair back with her hand, then cleared her throat. “You are dismissed, sparrow.”

I nodded before I turned away, set to leave the room. 

“And Vivi?” White called. “Do go and purchase some mangoes soon. I am craving some more fruits for the fruit bowl.”

“I will, ma’am,” I swore, making a mental note about it in my head. However, mangoes weren’t the only thing on my mind. The faces of hilarious Amethyst, quiet but loyal Blue, kind Steven, and headstrong Lapis were also on my mind. When I get my surgery, what will become of my memories of them? Will I still remember them? Remember… me? 

I know that this lobotomy will help me. But it may also sadly… destroy me. The appointment is next week, and I must take my final breath before then. I knew this was coming. I was informed of the surgery date. 

I wonder… may I get a last sniff of lavender before then? I’ve always enjoyed the smell.


	40. Week Six - Peridot, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot thinks on her current situation and comes to a conclusion.
> 
> CW/TW: this chapter is more heavy in terms of venting and expressing grief, self-hatred and anger coming from a disabled abused victim. The r slur is used once in this chapter.

_ Lobotomy…. _

_ Lobotomy… _

_ Lob… otomy… _

I stared at the bathroom mirror, picking out every pore on my face. Every freckle, every hair, every cell if I could with my naked eye- I studied myself. Every imperfection stuck out and I hated it. 

Could my mother just… look at me and tell that something was off the moment I was born?

I frowned at myself. 

_ I do look.. pathetic… _

Maybe I could let my hair grow out a bit? Try some makeup? Something…

I turned away from the mirror, glaring at the floor. It was late, and I was up past my usual bedtime. I can’t sleep, I tried to! I did! I just… couldn’t? I guess? I don’t know…

Gee… I wish I was special… I kinda wish that I was someone worth talking to. I can understand why people like Hessonite don’t like me- I talk too much when I get into something and I look like a train wreck. Plus who would like some nerd obsessed with Camp Pining Hearts to the point that she can name every cabin member even the background characters? I bet that’s why Lapis hated me too- I mean… I thought on it some more and- I KNOW IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I ACCIDENTALLY HIT HER IN THE FACE BUT- I can be too much sometimes. Me and Lapis are cool now though, right? RIGHT??

I skipped dinner earlier by saying that I felt sick, and my mom said she would take me to the doctor tomorrow morning. I didn’t feel like eating. I… think maybe I  _ am  _ sick? Or something… yeah…

I scratched my head. My entire body felt numb, cold. I didn’t feel any emotion. I didn’t feel any hunger nor was I tired. I just felt… blah. My mind began to wander, memories of my life so far coming to play.

_ “Eat every morsel, Peridot,” my mother told me as she finished up her meal. _

_ I examined my plate. The steamed broccoli and slimy cooked carrots disgusted me! I didn’t want to eat that! “But mom-“ I was fourteen years old. Fourteen, and yet I still hated eating my vegetables, but only when they were steamed or cooked like this.  _

_ “No excuses, Peridot,” my mother tsked. “You’re lucky that you have something you eat at all. Now, do finish your plate.” _

_ I… couldn’t-! The… the texture of that broccoli as it touched my tongue and the carrots when they went down my throat- gah! Gross! So repulsing! “I…” _

Yeah, so I didn’t eat my vegetables. And… uh… it got… bad.

_ “I pay for a roof over your head, food to feed you, and I cover all your education. Now, do eat,” my mom insisted. _

_ I hesitated. _

_ “Peridot.” _

_ I nervously rubbed my arm. I had to. I had to eat it, even if it’d make me cry like always. I couldn’t deal with the texture and taste-! I don’t know why but…! I ate it, slowly, painfully, my eyes full of tears. It was this or I stayed at the table until I did finally eat, or got nothing else. I was so skinny and malnourished when I was little. I needed something to eat, even if I hated it. _

_ My mother was pleased. Plus, she had a point. Kids in Africa or whatever the yak she says could’ve eaten my food. I shouldn’t waste and I shouldn’t be so picky! But… the texture… it makes me shiver with dissatisfaction. I can’t eat it. I can’t. I can’t... _

I remember one time, my mother said she wished she had a healthy child, an heir to her name who had a stronger immune system and better health. And another time, she mentioned that had she known I’d be like this, she would have aborted me. Wouldn’t it have been better though? If she did get rid of me the second she knew I’d be like this? This… dysfunctional, lousy, good for nothing waste of air and space?

My mom deserves better, and I ruined it for her. Why am I like this?!

I gripped my hair, my fist shaking. 

She should’ve had someone better. Someone who wasn’t… me. All I do is waste her time and money because she still has yet to help me and I’m still the same as I’ve ever been. Little things bother me! I’m super into certain topics and I’m obsessed with inanimate objects! If anybody wanted to touch my tablet, I would go berserk! I can’t even imagine replacing my tablet, I love it so much!! 

Blah. I feel so crappy and so…! Agh!

Lobotomy… what will become of me when they remove a piece of my brain? What would it be like to still be alive with part of my brain missing? Would I still be… me? I’m assuming that I would be at least half functional with a part of my brain gone…

But I don’t want to get cut open and have something taken from me! What if I die during surgery?! What if I don’t wake up the same?! I’m so nervous, I don’t want to go through with this. Even if it would cure me, if it might cure me, I don’t want to! Please, there must be another way-!

… Right?

I eyed my tablet on the counter of the sink.

I could do some research… but what am I supposed to do with my own situation here?!? 

I paced the bathroom, chewing on the skin of my thumb. What if my doctor tomorrow says that I need lobotomy NOW?

Oh gosh oh gosh I can’t risk it. But what can I do?! It’s not like I can just stand up and walk away can I?!

Or can I.

Or… can I…?

No! Peridot, you can’t run away! You don’t have a car, you can’t drive, you have no job and no salary, how will you make it on the streets, beaten and abused for being a defenseless homeless woman?! It’s so risky either way! I can either stay and get the surgery done, or risk doing something about it!!

Why is it so hard?!

I want to LIVE! Fuck, I want to LIVE!

I trembled, the words replaying over and over in my head.

_ I want to live. _

_ I want to live. _

_ I’m so sorry, mom. I’m so sorry that I was born. I’m so sorry that I waste your time and money. I want to be alive. I… I want to be alive… I don’t want lobotomy… _

_ I want to live… _

All these years of stored up guilt, all these years of treatment, I know that she is doing good for me but this-?! This… this cannot be it… surely…

_ I want to live. _

All these years that people have tossed me aside because I’m not worth their while.

_ I want to live. _

All these years of quiet hands, sticking to the plans invented by neurotypical brands, contact shock and burning sensations, an endangerment to society by merely my own existence.

_ I want to live. _

If I was never born, I would never know what pain is. If I was never born, I would never know what being a disappointment is. I dug multiple times through the crust that is me only to find no treasure at all beneath my skin answering why I am this way, why I am the way I am! I’ve spent countless months dwelling on the fact that I’m useless, that I’m- to put it bluntly as spit out by clods who couldn’t deal with my presence- retarded, I’m oblivious to happy reason of why I’m broken, I’m cursed to stay in this body and never know what true life is like and never will I know what  _ joy  _ could come from my mother saying in four words that she is proud of me. I was born into this life of suffering and misery, but am I the insane one?! I, Peridot, Peridot Oliver Price, am LIVID to know that I may never even know why I am this way! Am I preaching to you? Am I talking too loud?

_ GOOD!  _

Because I WANT TO BE HEARD.

But damn it damn it DAMN IT if I ever speak up! I am AFRAID of what will happen, will my hands be tied again or will I endure more medications, I’m AFRAID of living. If I speak up, I will be punished. I am silenced.

I want to live.

But…. I’m afraid.

My mother would never lie to me. She is trying to help me, heal me! If she ever lied to me… I might as well have died…

I want to live… I don’t want a lobotomy.

My eyes are burning with tears and I’m getting all stupidly poetic about this- LA LA LOOK AT PERIDOT, in the bathroom crying as her mother wishes she was born okay! 

Would a surgery really make it all go away? All this… this constant grief that I’m not enough and I’ll never be enough? What’s the point? I’ll never make my mother proud… I… I finally realized that. It finally sank it to its entirety and I hate it.

Crazy, isn’t it, how when you worry about if you might die or slip away in surgery you start thinking of all these other things...

I bit my thumb. I could taste the metallic tang of blood on my tongue.

What can I do about it though? Nothing. NOTHING. Ha! I’m stuck here, and I hate it I hate it I hate it! I want somebody to just… rip my skin off or something and use it for something more useful! Because obviously it’s being wasted on someone like me!!

I eyed my tablet.

_ I want to live… _

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die- I’ve researched lobotomy ever since my mother considered it, and she has been very quiet about it. 

I collapsed to my knees, biting down even harder on my thumb in hopes that it would comfort me. Even if it hurt, it would never compare to my own life. 

I want to live… I don’t want any more of these treatments…

If only I was born normal…

The world around me was blurry, my senses nonexistent. Am I crying? Am I still biting my thumb? It’s so late at night, and nobody is up. I can’t tell what is up or what is down! 

If I stay here, my mom will highly consider lobotomy. What if my doctor finds out something else is wrong with me?? What if I need more treatments?? Will I ever be healed??! 

But what can I do?! I’m just ME! I can’t fend for myself!! I’m a stupid clod!!!

…

I glanced up at the window high above the shower. Nobody could see in due to the height placement, but I sure could see out from the inside of this building and its occupying rooms. The moon was in the sky, shining down on me in its waning phase. 

I… feel like it’s calling to me? Is it? 

Perhaps this is some kind of sign perceived as excused natural happenings. Perhaps I am humanizing the characteristics of a non animated object and twisting it to encourage my own ambitions nestled deep down that I am keeping silenced. But what if it isn’t? What if out there… somewhere… there’s more to life than this? What if there is more to life than getting my brain cut apart and my hands being tied so often?

I paused, taking a second to calm down. I noticed that my poor thumb was bleeding from where I had bit it and I panicked. I’m not that good with blood honestly, it freaks me out. I winced, uncomfortably searching for some medicine in the cabinets. Come on… come on!! There’s gotta be something like some healing cream or what’s it called!! Argh!!

Ooh! Maybe I can check for that special healing cream that my mom uses with that pair of gloves! That’s gotta be in here, right? Unless it’s in the other bathroom by her bedroom… hmm… I don’t see it or anything else that could be useful… oh my gosh that’s a lot of blood oh gosh how hard did I bite it oh my gosh-.

Okay, Peridot, stop for a second and first tend to your wound. Then you can continue being mad!

I exited the bathroom, peering outside like a wary deer crossing a road. I grabbed my tablet, and wrapped my bloody thumb in some toilet paper I had ripped off. This is only a make do until I can find actual aid.

I walked out into the hall, and down towards the other bathroom in the house. I did my best to be silent, not wanting to draw attention to myself. This was so scary…

I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to reach the other bathroom just fine. I switched on the light, then I continued my search. Bingo! Some cream and a bandaid! But no sign of my initial target… eh, that’s okay, I’ve got something at least. I took off the stained toilet paper, revealing my thumb, and I got to work. I wiped off as much blood as I could without fainting before I applied the cream and the band aid, rather satisfied with my work. There! All better! At least I didn’t bite my thumb off, right? 

I looked at my tablet.

Oh… okay, I could do some more research on lobotomy or autism or some more looking into pills for Lapis… 

There’s gotta be more than this in life. There’s gotta!

I remembered some thoughts from earlier with a grimace.

Could I… actually do something here? Could I actually save myself? Nobody is gonna save me… I know that. And knowing that, I can’t just sit around because nothing will happen. Think, Peridot…

Think…

But what could I actually do?

What could someone like me do?

Nothing. That’s what…

I sighed, clutching my tablet close to my chest. I was so exhausted. I’m never gonna fly or be free from this life. I’m infected. I’m a plague. I deserve to be eradicated with the rest of the trash…

I might as well… take myself out to the curb so that my mother doesn’t have to. 

I know what I have to do. I won’t be a burden anymore. I promise, mom. I’m sorry for what I’ve already done to you. I’m sorry for wasting the time and money that you can never get back. I’ll make it better for you. I promise.

I retreated to my room after I grabbed some extra bandaids and soothing cream, watching my thumb just to be cautious, tablet always at my side. I found my school backpack in my closet and began to fill it up wisely with what I could; clothes, my hairbrush, glasses, the bandaids I grabbed, my tablet and my tape recorder. Not too many items though, just enough I can sustain off of without being greedy. I don’t have any money or snacks or water bottles but… I’m throwing in the things that I can in my relative area that can help me.

Oh my gosh I’m actually doing this…!

Should it feel this enthralling? This terrifying?!

I put on my backpack once I finished, grabbing my green jacket as well. I tied on a pair of sneakers, and I started to head for the front door. I moved along slowly, scaredly, but also a bit confidently. I knew a nearby coffee shop where there was WiFi. They open at dawn. I could walk there then… figure things out… I could use the cover of night and the light of the moon and stars to find my way.

_ I want to live. I don’t want surgery. I don’t want to hold you down. _

_ I’m tired of making your life miserable, mom. Goodbye. I love you. _

I opened the door. I quickly ran out, shutting the door behind me quietly. I didn’t stop running. I didn’t look back. My heart was racing, my blood was hot, my face was sweating. A side stitch formed in my sides, laboring my breathing.

But I didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // This chapter is one that is heavily influenced by some of my real life experience unlike some chapters that are more driven by fictional storyline/additions. I had a blast going ham with it.  
> Safe to say the poor thumb parts are not based on anything I’ve actually experienced pfft


	41. Week Seven - Lapis, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> • Lapis POV chapter •
> 
> Lapis stands by waiting for a response from Peridot. Meanwhile, trouble may be brewing back.

I narrowed my eyes as I watched from afar, trying to guess who was going to be coming to this place soon. By the looks of it, I’m guessing some petty princess. Is that seriously the mom? God, just… look at that woman. How much more furs and veils must she wear? It’s like eighty degrees Fahrenheit outside, lady. Get a clue. Heatstroke and heat exhaustion isn’t a joke.

Rose seemed to laugh at something the strange woman said, and I strained my ears to listen. Ugh. I couldn’t hear a thing. It was just Rose and the lady. No kid or teenager. Maybe it was a private meeting? I know Rose sometimes has a few of those with parents, but… I’m not sure who the lady’s kid is. I’ve never seen her before.

Steven sighed beside me as I finished up grooming Tracer. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked him.

“Nothing… I just wish Peridot was here…” Steven frowned. He was brushing Edmond’s hair, Snow White grazing in the grass by us as she awaited her turn to be groomed. “She hasn’t been answering my texts. The chickens seem to miss her too.”

“Even the babies that turned out to be quails?” Rose was able to identify them for us. She decided we could keep them, as the hens already got attached. We think they got in by mistake, slipped in through a crack or something like that.

“Yeah, even those guys!” Steven put the brush down. “Nobody else really likes to play Chutes and Ladders like she did…”

“I could play with you,” I offered.

“No, you’re more of a Just Dance person…”

I snorted. “Are you saying I suck at Chutes and Ladders?”

“No! Not at all, Lapis.”

I grinned, looming upon him. I put the grooming brush back into the bucket of horse tools. “Positive?”

Steven began to giggle, knowing what I was about to do. “Lapis-! Nono-!”

“Take it back!” I laughed, tickling him.

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry!”

I backed off, smiling ear to ear. We have the same weak spot and I personally find it hilarious. Tickle fights are dangerous for both of us.

“Who's that lady?” Steven asked me as he eased, pointing towards the barn where Rose was meeting with the stranger outside on lawn chairs, an umbrella over them.

I turned my head, shrugging. “I don’t know,” I answered. “She's been here for almost an hour now.”

“Maybe it’s someone new coming here!”

“That’s what I thought. Seems like a mom or a grandma,” I agreed with a short nod. “You said that Peridot wasn’t responding to you?”

“Yeah, she’s been quiet for like a week,” Steven explained. “Maybe a bit longer? I don’t know, I’m worried if she’s okay…”

_ She’s gone quiet on me too. Dammit, I need to know what pills those were-! _

“I’ll text her,” I offered, much to Steven’s relief.

“Really? Thanks, Lapis!” He grinned.

“Hand me my phone, alright?”

Steven complied. He fetched my phone off the fence post, scrunching his face up right as he was about to give it to me. “Hey, Lapis?”

“Hm?” I held a hand out, waiting for him to hand it over.

“Who’s Jasper?”

My face went pale. “That’s nobody-“ I hastily snatched my phone away from him. Tracer trotted off into the open pastures.

“Are they a friend?”

I stared at him. “... Sure.”

_ God dammit Jasper! Why are you texting me RIGHT NOW? _

I swiped the notification away. I’ll get back to Jasper later. 

“Can I meet them?” Steven begged.

“Yeah. Absolutely not,” I snorted. I reached out and messed with his hair.

“Aww…”

_ It’s for the best, Steven. _

I sent Peridot a quick text basically asking her if she was busy or what she was up to, then put my phone away in my pocket. I moved on to groom Snow White, who sighed with satisfaction that she was finally getting brushed. Such a demanding horse… “Take Edmond back to the stables, okay?”

“Okay,” Steven said. He gathered up the pony’s lead, taking Edmond back to his stall.

I couldn’t help but steal a look back over at Rose and the woman, finding that the stranger was now leaving. Good riddance. I so far despise waiting to see their kid that would soon be attending here. I went through a similar thing with Peridot when I saw her mother.

_ Maybe I shouldn’t judge too harshly… _

I did… sort of- make a mistake the first time. Peridot’s… okay in my book. I just wish she would respond to me already.

… Is it just me, or did that strange woman that had been talking to Rose stare at me a bit too… intensely?

Hm. Whatever that was for, fuck you too, lady. What’s your big deal?


	42. Week Seven - White, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> • White POV chapter. •
> 
> An order is given.

“What did she say? Where is my daughter?” Yadira spat at me.

“Calm, calm, my ally,” I hushed. “I’ll tell you everything. But, do not expect me to inform you with a temper like that.” 

Yadira groaned, sitting back down in her chair. 

_Good… you know your place after all._

“Are we at ease now?” I spoke. I was testing the patience of Yadira most of all. The poor thing reported her daughter to have gone missing yesterday, and I of course am willing to help. We have a similar suspect after all, that horse center and its owners. My Vivianne and also Yadira’s spawn attended, though my Vivianne attended _illegally_ and _secretly_ under my nose. No matter, she’s well taken care of now. I’ve helped her. My main focus on hand is to solve the missing case, and to also look into this Rose person I had spoken with this morning.

Our current suspicion lies with Rose herself, and to a degree her husband, Greg Universe. Universe… that can _not_ be a real name. It sounds too astronomically atrocious. And it’s too predictable; Rose was said by Yadira to be defensive of clients as observed from Yadira’s first meeting with her before sending her broad there, and Rose was closely involved with Peridot before the disappearance. Although Yadira hasn’t sent her to that place for a while, who is to say that Rose wasn’t planning something within those days? Or that Rose was aggravated by Yadira pulling her daughter out of the sessions? 

Rose is a manipulative kidnapper hiding under the guise of a gentle therapist. Kidnappings happen the most with people the victim trusts after all. I went to have a meeting with her myself only to find Yadira’s statement of Rose being defensive was true. She _sided_ with my Vivianne, my insolent assistant. It must be true. I will bring justice to this. If not kidnapping, I will pin Rose for what she has done to my Vivianne, and my business partner’s offspring. If she isn’t stopped, she will be sure to keep spreading destruction. She must be detained. Silently so, to refrain the spread of fear in normal citizens.

It isn’t just only those factors however that contribute to my loathing of the woman, oh, no. You see, Rose had something very… familiar. She had a certain voice, a certain walk, and a specific taste in casual shoes. It was something which only a former business partner of mine had that we all loved very dearly. This deceased partner was a Diamond just like us, a woman who advanced high in the rankings and devoted her life to our cause which earned her the right to go by that splendorous last name. We aren’t related, per see, but we are Diamonds, a name and an oath we signed together. The economy, this city, is ours to mend or break at our fingertips. But personally, I’m for order. Shall anybody step out of line, I see to the end of it quietly to not cause alarm and create public disruptions. We keep this area running smoothly.

I believe that Rose has _murdered_ Peony Diamond. I even checked to see where Rose was the week of the murder years ago, and lined them with that of our remaining available tapes with Peony in her office as well as our last coordinates of her. Blank slates, so… suspicious. Murderers are known to sometimes keep trophies of their victims, which can explain the shoes. Where was Rose the week Peony died? Before that? Why does Rose have no records that I can access? I wish to further investigate this woman. I will gain more proof, more evidence. I will cut her down if this woman is even remotely suspicious. Not like she already is… is she an immigrant?

“Rose did not fess to or confirm anything,” I began. “She had no idea that Peridot was missing.”

Yadira slammed a hand down onto the table. “Lies,” she hissed.

“Steady,” I warned. “Violence will get you nothing in this conversation. We will find your daughter in due time. I report back only what occurred, no lie or word out of order.”

Yadira bit her tongue.

I watched her pleasantly, pitying her as the door to the meeting room flew open.

_Bronagh has arrived. Thank the heavens she finally arrived, however, why so violent?_

It’s a hard life being the head of such important status. Yadira and Bronagh are excellent business partners, even if they could become hideous. I must be the one to bite off the head of the ringleader if it comes to it here and there. It’s a sacrifice I make proudly. 

“I can’t believe it,” Bronagh cried, as if in despair. Her emotions hold her on edge. Too much, and it could take her over. I try to encourage her to be more headstrong rather than relying on her emotions, but it slips by her.

“Bronagh?” Yadira echoed.

“The daughter of one of my employers, she attends that center too,” Bronagh went on. “Sarafina, my talented artist.” She sat down in her seat, troubled.

I was intrigued.

“How many others have been attending right under our nose?” Yadira snarled.

“Interesting… Peridot, Sarafina, and Vivianne have gone to this place?” I concluded. 

“Yet only my daughter is missing.” Yadira reminded.

“I have not forgotten,” I returned. I stood up, heels clicking the ground as I slowly paced. “This woman is connected to all of us. I can’t even locate her records before the dates of... Peony’s murder. It’s thrilling if you ask me.”

Bronagh made a sound akin to a grieving mother.

“What can we do?” Yadira pressed. “If she doesn’t even have any valid records, that’s a crime, isn’t it? I say that we arrest her and hold her for interrogation.”

“Why is everybody attending her center? There must be a reason,” Bronagh sighed.

“To rebel against us,” Yadira assumed, “Rose is igniting them for defiance.”

“Silence.” I sharply turned my head to them both, quicker than an owl. I then looked out the large windows of the room, peering down at the city far below us. Empire City, my most proudest belonging, blossoming and thriving. I could see the roads and towers, every inch of each store and bridge. To protect it, I will go any length. I nodded, slowly. “You make valid suggestions, Yadira. Go and assemble a small roundup of officers, have them swear into secrecy, and arrest Rose Universe. Her husband too, for questioning. Do this tomorrow night to keep the commotion at bay.”

“They have children too,” Yadira mentioned. “I remember from the one time I asked Peridot as I was picking her up.”

“Forget the children,” I tsked. “They’re _children_. If anything, they’re brainwashed and incapable of making any influence. But, they might get in the way, and children are known to have loud mouths...”

Yadira and Bronagh waited for me to finish, anxiously.

I smiled. “... Round them up too. Silence them. _Forcefully_.” A few children are a part of a bigger sacrifice to protect this city and the future generation. I am doing the work of a deity.

I will get to the bottom of this, and who knows? I might get to also finally solve the murder of our fellow Diamond.


	43. Week Seven - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and her life on foot so far.

“HEY! HEYHEYHEYOW-!” I stumbled back when I was shoved, my backpack sliding off and skidding across the cement. What was the big deal?! HELLO! I’m not doing anything!! GAH! I picked myself up, shaking out my hair. “Thanks a lot, you CLOD!” I cursed at the lady who had kicked me out of the coffee shop, muttering more curses under my breath.

I _was_ doing okay.

AND THEN THEY KICK ME OUT BECAUSE I WAS THERE FOR TOO LONG??

Sure, I didn’t buy anything, but COME ON! I’m the great and amazing PERIDOT! I left my mother’s home for this junk!! I should get an apology!! I’m not a creep and I didn’t hurt anybody!!!

_Stupid… lousy… AGAH!_

I kicked at the sidewalk before I retrieved my bag, putting it back on.

_Well… phooey. New plan!_

I don’t look horrible- yet. My hair’s getting oily but that’s because I haven’t washed it in a while, it’s natural stuffs. I wrinkled my nose, deciding to walk away from the shop. I could find a better place to stay under!

Only problem is… that place was the only place I knew that had free WiFi. Oooh boy. I haven’t texted anybody yet because I don’t know what to say, but I used the WiFi to look at routes all over the city and other things. I could go to a mechanics shop nearby… or a food place… 

_Do I look homeless? It’s only been like two days! I still look fresh!!_

Oh! I could go to a library! They’re bound to have WiFi too! Aha! Yes!! I’ll go there! Look at yourself, Peridot! You’re making it! You’re… Very thirsty and hungry. Ugh. No money, no service, nothing but your dignity… do I still have that?

Okay, I kinda regret this… I wanna go home… I wanna eat… I can go about three days is it without water? I used the drinking fountain in the coffee shop so I’m not dying dying, but food wise I’m STARVING.

But I can’t give up I mean- I came this far! And if I go back… if I go back…

Horrible memories of my mother and the word lobotomy crossed my mind. Did I really want to go back home and then have my brain be cut up? I know that it’s supposed to help me but-! 

I’m going to the library, since it’s the next thing I can think of with WiFi. I think there’s one up the street. First I’m gonna check and go there, then I’m gonna… yeah. Go from there I guess…

This is so awesome. Wow. I am THRIVING.

* * *

  
  


The library was GINORMOUS. There were cases upon cases of books, and hardly anybody was here yet. I never even knew that there could be so many books in one area. I was told to put my backpack by the front door and I hesitantly complied. I kept my tablet in my jacket however, refusing to let it out of my sights.

I went ahead, exploring some. How big is this place? I could get lost in here! I turned into one aisle, examining the back spines of the books there. My eyes widened at one title.

_No way… GALAXYGIRL?? I THOUGHT THEY DISCONTINUED THIS SERIES!!_

I excitedly reached out towards the manga, flipping through the pages.

_Volume one, volume three, six, all the way up to the finale fifteen! AAAAA!!!_

I’m so happy right now!! Sure, it isn’t Camp Pining Hearts, but oh my gosh!! I sat there in the aisle, kneeled, surfing through the first volume in my hands. GalaxyGirl, the comic series where a universal superhero travels through dimensions and space itself solving crime and defeating the bad guys! I haven’t read this since middle school!

Halfway in, I noticed a boy roughly my age coming into my aisle. Hm. He must be looking for the sci fi stuff on the other side. Wait- did he just… pick up a copy of GalaxyGirl?? Oh my gosh oh my gosh is he a fan too?! HELLO! HELLO FAN!! I’M A FAN TOO!! We both wear glasses!! How convenient!!!

I decided to test him. I repeated a popular quote from the manga series, just before GalaxyGirl takes on the robotic army that her nemesis Non-Neptune created to try and destroy her in volume twelve. I can’t help but get excited over the fact that I may meet someone who is into similar stuff as me. That and… I’ve never had a true friend before- besides Steven- and right now I could really use some friendship. “The-... The stars- the stars blaze but never as bright as my drive for justice,” I nervously spoke up. It came out as a mumble though like I was reading from the manga in my grasp. Oh who am I kidding it came out horribly. When I meant freedom as in I’m running away so my brain doesn’t get scrambled and so that I can live, I didn’t mean EMBARRASS myself. Oops.

The boy paused. He looked at me. I looked up at him. We stared. I blinked. He blinked. It’s embarrassing, for sure, most definitely.

_… Hi._

_Oh my gosh he probably thinks I’m insane now._

_… FRICK._

“That sounds familiar,” the boy commented on my quote. Then he saw what I was reading. He gasped. “You’re a Galaxy fan too?!”

“Of course I am!” I huffed, almost offended.

“I’m Ronaldo,” the boy shook my hand without asking me beforehand. “Host of the Keep Beach City Weird blog site, you may have heard of it. If you’ve heard of anybody named Ronaldo Fryman or KeepBeachCityWeird, that’s me.”

_I haven’t actually. Beach City? That’s the outer city more towards the ocean. What weird things could possibly be happening there? It’s so small! My mom even said that Beach City isn’t worth investing in!_

“Peridot,” I pulled my hand away fast as I introduced myself back. “Peridot Oliver Pr-iaaaaahhh…. Peridot Oliver,” I cleared my throat to correct myself. I can’t go around giving my name! What if someone knows who I am?!? “Just call me Oliver actually, Peridot is a… a Galaxy name.”

“A Galaxy name?” The golden-haired boy squealed. “You are such a true fan! I’m a true fan myself, I’ve got a to size replica of GalaxyGirl’s Starblade from DelmarvaCon.”

_Actually, my Galaxy name is TechNoid, but go off…_

For reference, Galaxy names are what characters in the GalaxyGirl series specifically the heroes go by, kinda like Superman. We make OCs with them online.

“And that’s quite an uncommon boy’s name, I haven’t heard that name in person,” Ronaldo went on. “It’s a good name though, it reminds me of that old Disney movie with the cat and the dogs. I think it’s called _Oliver and Company_?”

_Wait. WHAT. Did he say-?_

“Boy’s name? I- I’m a girl,” I blurted. “Did you- do I-...?”

Ronaldo’s face went pale. “You’re a GIRL?” He exclaimed.

“OBVIOUSLY!” I threw my hands into the air. A librarian came over and hushed us. “Obviously!” I whispered, correcting my volume.

“What?! I thought you were a dude!” Ronaldo cried.

“What difference does it make?!” I huffed.

“Because you…! You’re… kind of cute or something?” Ronaldo murmured. “Girls are cute! I stan by default that all women are queens!”

I paused. My face felt hot. “ _Cute?_ ” I echoed. Why does that matter?? Why did it only matter once he figured out I’m a GIRL??

Ronaldo scratched the back of his head. “I gotta go, my dad’s probably waiting for me and I really wanna see the ending to GalaxyGirl. I shall see you again when the stars align, Peridot.” He saluted you me, exiting the aisle with a manga copy.

_MY NAME IS-. Oh. Right. He’s using my ahem “Galaxy name”._

Psh, okay then whatever your Galaxy name is. I bit my bottom lip, turning away and returning to my manga.

_Beach City… a small and unimportant landmark not even on most maps! Hm, I wonder… could I possibly hike down there and find some place to stay there?_

The library closes at ten tonight, I could mooch off the WiFi and make plans until then as well as read some GalaxyGirl. I can do this! Peridot, you can do this!

_… Can I? I’m so hungry..._

But I’d rather be here than back where I used to be, back where I was unimportant and nobody cared. Now I’m out here still unimportant and where nobody cares, but... at least I still have my brain.

… That’s scary to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Just in case if it seems confusing;  
> Currently the whole story takes place in Empire City(where the Diamonds reside), or more towards the outer country/wilderness of the city’s surrounding area (in regards to the equine center)  
> The setting however, may shift more towards Beach City... wink wink


	44. Week Seven - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> • Lapis POV Chapter •
> 
> Unwelcome guests serving White pay a visit to the farm late at night.
> 
> CW; some mentions/depictions of violence, brutality, some blood, quite some cursing

_“Stay inside, Lapis.”_

_“Mom?” I rubbed my eyes, turning to her. “What’s going on?”_

_“Just a little bit of ship trouble,” my mother assured me as my father left the room._

_“Is that why we aren’t moving?” I asked._

_My mother nodded._

_“It’s so noisy…” I complained._

_“It’s just a thunderstorm, it’ll pass soon,” my mother comforted me._

_“Promise?”_

_“I promise.”_

_It didn’t pass soon. And it wasn’t just some “silly ship trouble”._

_I could still hear the screaming. Breathing. People weeping and praying that they’d make it out alive._

_I stood there, right in front of myself. I faced myself. I watched myself as I was hurried along to the emergency boats, the storm picking up._

_They checked the weather and they checked their route. Nobody knows to this day where and how the ship went down. They did their best but…_

_The ship was sinking._

_Water was rising._

_Before I knew it. I was engulfed, sinking, fading. My limbs lay lifeless, my body floating in the saltwater._

_I opened my eyes. There was a light where the surface was. It was calm. Peaceful._

_But I was drowning. I panicked as I realized this, water getting into my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe._

_I flailed my arms, I swam about, but I couldn’t find the surface._

_I’m drowning._

_I’m drowning._

_My body lay at the bottom._

_Lifeless._

_There was no noise, no sound. All that there was, was water all around me. It swallowed me whole with no remorse, slowly killing me._

I jolted awake, my breathing quick and my body coated in cold sweat. The roar of the thunder from that night still rang in my ears as if I was still there. I stared down at my sheets, taking in my surroundings.

_I’m awake. Ground yourself with five senses._

_Breathe._

I shakily yawned once I was eased down some, the moonlight glimmering through my window blinds like jail bars in my sights. There was no storm, just a cloudless night outside. It was fine.

_I’m fine._

_You’re fine, Lapis._

_I’m… fine._

I brushed my hair back out of my face, taking in a long inhale. 

_Just a stupid dream._

I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t. I closed my eyes, I rustled my sheets, I changed positions, and... nothing. 

_I hate this._

If it wasn’t for stupid dreams, I’d be asleep. No wonder I’m so tired all the time… 

I could go try and get a relaxing bath or shower at this hour to help fall back asleep perhaps… I checked the time with my phone- not even midnight. How? Fucking-...

Great, so I’ve only been asleep an hour at the most and already I’m having nightmares. I wish they’d jerk off somewhere else. Kiss my ass, dreams. It’s eleven at night and I’m _pissed_ now.

I turned in my bed, still unable to go back to sleep. It felt like time was slowly passing me by. Unbearable.

I was about to flip my pillow over to see if the cooler side would lull me back to dreamland when my door opened. With a creak, the hallway light peeked in. I narrowed my eyes, pupils adjusting to the sudden light. 

“Hey, Lapis?”

“Steven?” I quickly sat up, now ignoring my attempt to sleep. Steven stood in my doorway with his pajamas, a nervous look on his face. I grew concerned. “It’s late. You should be asleep.”

_So should I but here we are._

“I know…” Steven sighed. “But there’s someone at the door.”

_Huh? How-? But I didn’t hear a doorbell?_

_Shit, they must’ve knocked…_

_Rose has a key though?_

I stood up, rubbing my eyes with the back of my palm. “Aren’t Greg and Rose back?” I asked. If so, why didn’t they answer it? They had left earlier after dinner to take Lion to another appointment. I’m usually left to watch Steven in the meantime. I’m mature and I’m responsible enough. They trust me.

Steven shook his head.

My blood ran cold. 

_Maybe a woodpecker…_

“Stay here, I’ll go check it out,” I told Steven. I grabbed my phone and shoved it down my pants, hoping that maybe Rose forgot her keys and it was just them coming back home. I’m not good with confrontations with strangers. I checked over my shoulder to ensure that Steven stayed back, then I made my way to the front door of the house. I didn’t open it. I didn’t even turn on the porch light. I peeked through the peephole, quiet as ever.

_There’s… an officer?_

I flinched when they knocked on the door, almost pounding on it with their fist. 

_What…-_

I didn’t move towards the door. I stayed back.

_The fuck- why is there an officer-?_

“Steven, stay there,” I sternly ordered, noticing my brother in the living room. He was watching me from a distance, standing behind the couch.

The knocking came again, louder than I thought was possible.

I instinctively backed up, putting myself more between Steven and the door. 

“Open up!” Someone from the other side demanded. It was the officer. “Last warning!”

_How long have they been there for it to be a ‘last warning’?_

I wasn’t even able to say anything more to Steven before our door was burst open, forced from the hinges. My heart dropped. I had absolutely no time to think. In two seconds flat, three officers stormed our house, the door broken open. I held my ground, closing in on Steven until I was in front of him. “Where’s your warrant?!” I demanded. I sounded bold. But, I was afraid deep down.

_Three officers… overkill if you ask me! And for what?!_

“Does Rose and Greg Universe live here?” One of the officers questioned, a hardened stare on us. “Where are they?”

I refused to give an answer. 

“She wants this done quickly, the longer we stay here, the more attention we could get,” another officer said. 

_Who is ‘she’?_

“You’re right. Search the house, and search for any useful information. Officers Royles, Smith, take the children into custody.” 

_What the fuck is going on?!_

An officer approached me. He grabbed my wrists, forcing me to submit as he slid on a pair of handcuffs, having difficulty doing so as I thrashed about in recoil. “Hey! Prick! You need a warrant-!” I shouted.

“Lapis!” Steven cried. I saw the third officer harshly grab him, the first one already investigating our house. The way that Steven was being handled aggravated me.

“Fuck you! Leave him alone!” I growled. “If you hurt him-!” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. I was _livid._ I could deal with many things such as bastard boyfriends or shitty nightmares, but if anybody- ANYBODY- touched Steven, I’d _kill_ them. My brother is all I have left to live for on this god forsaken planet that just keeps kicking me in the chest with casualties. Hastily, I swung my head around, biting the hand of the officer that was containing me. I didn’t let go. I bit down, and I bit down _hard._ A rush of adrenaline I had never felt before took charge. I wasn’t thinking. I was acting.

_But I’m doing this for Steven._

My defense was short-lived, however. A sharp pain directly to my face forced me to let go. Had I not, I would’ve lost some teeth. My nose exploded with tense agony, absorbing most of the blow. I had been struck in the face with a fist or an object- I honestly could not tell. Either way I went down, my back hitting the floor. My nose was inflamed. Liquid, obviously blood by the feel of it, pooled on my upper lip.

“Lapis!” Steven yelled again. I couldn’t see him. The hit knocked me off course for a good few seconds. My vision was swirling.

_My nose…_

It’s broken. My sense of touch proved it when I felt my face with one hand, getting blood on my fingertips and palm. My wrists were tightened together with handcuffs. I had to breathe through my mouth.

_We didn’t do anything! Why are these people doing this-?!_

“Any sign?” The officer that cuffed me called out. He picked me up by the back of my shirt.

“Not at all. They must be out of the house,” another confirmed.

I gritted my teeth. “No shit…” I coughed. I was shoved forward abruptly.

The officer holding Steven tsked. “Come on, these are _kids_. Is the force really necessary?”

“She fucking bit me-!” The officer holding me cursed. “And you were being firm with the kid you’re holding-!”

“Well, now that we have them, we can’t have them just blabbering to everyone about this,” the first, I’m assuming the head of this trio, noted. 

“You know what White can do if we don’t do this right. Anybody want to end up like Officer Grey?”

“The poor guy…”

“Exactly. Come on, take them to the vehicles and we’ll regroup.”

_What kind of sick joke of police brutality-_

I inhaled through my mouth. My nostrils still stung. 

As me and my brother were hauled out of the house, I caught a quick look over at Steven. He was _afraid._ I wanted to run over there and comfort him, but I couldn’t. 

“Lapis, tell them we didn’t do anything!” Steven pleaded.

I inhaled again. My skull felt like it rattled. 

“We have to do something!” Steven added.

I noticed one of the officers making a move to quiet him. I acted quickly, responding to him. “Steven, we can’t fight them.”

“Yes we can! They’re… they’re bad guys!”

“Steven,” I spoke over him. “Do as they say. Whatever you're planning on doing, just stop. If we do everything they say, they might go easy on us.”

“But they're... mean! They hurt your face!”

I sighed. “... That’s why we can’t fight them.”

“That’s why we _have_ to fight them!”

“ _Steven.”_ I spoke with such snap, I might as well be baring fangs dripping with icey venom laced to kill. I had to make him stop talking so that he wouldn’t be hurt just like I was. I had to protect him.

I was grateful to see that none of the officers made another move. That should be enough.

I wheezed, my nose exploding with more painful throbs through my face. 

_I shouldn’t have bitten this asshole. Now I have a broken nose._

_How are we going to get out of this?_

I was brought to a police vehicle, Steven by my side. We were pushed into the back, and I complied reluctantly. Luckily so did Steven.

_Think!_

The door was shut once we were in. 

“Are you okay?” Steven asked about my nose.

_We need help._

_We can’t do anything._

_Hold on-_

_My phone!_

I shifted my weight onto one side. “Get my phone. They didn’t check us.” 

_Be quick._

I did my best to help Steven get my phone from my pants, the cuffs proving to be an obstacle for us both.

“Hurry,” I encouraged.

“Got it!” Steven smiled. He set the phone down onto the seat, then turned around to grab it more properly. “What should I do?”

“Text Rose-“ I started before I thought again.

_No. That would lead her right into these fucks faster. And they’re looking for her and Greg._

_… I have to protect them._

“Text Pearl,” I decided. 

“Pearl? Mom’s friend?” 

“Exactly.”

_Maybe she can bail us out._

“Okay,” Steven didn’t question it. 

“Can you text? With those cuffs on?”

“A little,” Steven replied. “What’s your password again?”

“Nine four two four.”

“Who’s Jas-“

“Steven!”

“Okay, okay!”

I kept lookout through the car window. Looked like they were searching our property… 

I couldn’t wait any longer. This is the perfect opportunity to escape. If I could maybe keep kicking the door…

Steven worked on texting Pearl. I turned my body again, beginning to hit the door with my foot even if it hurt. I’d break a knee if I have to. I have to get Steven out of here. I don’t know what these people are going to do to us. Judging by my nose, they’d be happy to hurt us in more ways than one.

_I’m not strong enough._

No matter how hard I kicked, nothing worked. The door wasn’t budging. There was no handle, no window I could smash without breaking a bone.

_We can’t get out._

I kicked some more.

_We’re trapped._

With my final kick, my foot red and sore, I began to finally break down from the realization that I had failed. I failed to keep Steven safe. I’m hurt. I’m bleeding. I don’t know who these people are, but they’re intense. My eyes filled with tears. I still couldn’t breathe through my nose.

I couldn’t check to see if Steven managed to text Pearl or not. I was too broken in spirit. I succumbed to my self suffering. 

I… gave up.

_I’m sorry, Steven._


	45. Week Seven - Peridot, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early before dawn, Peridot rejoins with familiar faces during her journey to Beach City.

_I’m so hungry…_

I stared at the gas station in front of me, itching my head. Why did I leave without any money?! I’m so dumb!! Alright, Peridot, make a note of that next time you decide to run away instead of get a lobotomy!

I checked my pockets. I checked my backpack. Nada, nope, uh uh. Not even some change for Cheetos… or Doritos… mmm Doritos...

I scowled.

It was so early in the morning… I’m NEVER up this early. This was like… A WHOLE NEW WORLD for me. It’s super dark, it’s super early, most people are asleep by now-!

_What if someone jumps me?_

I sharply turned around.

My eyes went wide when I saw the kind of vehicle pulling in for gas. Thank gosh I’m paranoid.

_OH NO. POLICE. THEY FOUND ME._

I ducked behind the nearest bush, almost scraping my knee through my pants as I half-skidded across some asphalt in the process. My backpack came down with me, and I squeaked with alarm. Did I break my tablet?? My tape recorder??

I was sooo relieved when I found that those two items did not break in my skid. I peeked over the bush, watching another car pull in for gas. The police car was at the first gas pump thingie.

_Okay, as long as they don’t see me. Because if they see me, I could be taken back to my mom-!_

I waited. My stomach growled.

_HUSH, YOU CLOD!_

I’ve been kind of… getting more accustomed to the word. Clod. Clooood. I used to tone it down because my mother hated that word, and now that I’m free? I’ve been spitting it left and right if I could. It’s so fun to say!

_COME ON. COME ON. LEAAAAVE._

Then I could go and see if there’s a map inside the gas station that will help take me to Beach City faster! Oh I wish I had bus fare!!

_I WANT CHIPS. AGH._

I saw the officer get out of his car. He was going inside to pay for gas. 

_GO! GO BEFORE HE COMES BACK!_

_GOGOGOPERIDOTGO!!_

I kind of overreacted, clutching my backpack straps tight. I burst out from the bush, booking it across the front of the gas station.

_AAAAAAA._

I froze when someone in the other car, a regular van, gave me a weird look. I shuffled my feet slowly, still going but no longer as fast. Did the cop see me too?

_I swear I’m not on drugs or anything please don’t report me. Don’t arrest me! PLEASE._

And that’s when I heard it- a knock. Wait. A knock? What the heck? Am I going crazy? Is this what starvation does to you!?

Where is it even coming from…

I must be going crazy.

_Just as crazy as Percy when he saved the other camper from a bear…_

I looked around. Where was that… oh! I approached the police car, cautiously. Is this a trap? The knocking was coming from there...

_IS THAT-._

_OH MY GOSH._

_OHMYGOSHOKAY-._

My legs trembled. Shakily, I spent no time grabbing the handle of the backseat door. I _think_ I saw somebody I knew in there…?

_AHA!_

I bowled over when the door opened thanks to somebody lunging at me. I screamed. I closed my eyes, shying away and protecting my neck with both of my hands.

“Peridot!”

I opened my eyes. “... Steven?” Someone was hugging me. Horribly. Literally I can’t tell if this is a hug or an attack. I think I’m gonna die in the next week because of this.

“What are you doing here?!” Steven asked. His hands were bound with… cuffs? Uh… okay, that explains the terrible hug business. “I was so worried when you stopped replying to my texts!”

“What are YOU doing in this COP CAR??” I countered. DID SOMEBODY DIE? ARE THEY CRIMINALS? “I don’t wanna get involved so I’m gonna-“

“‘No, no! We aren’t bad guys, Peridot! Lapis and I got taken from home and we-“

“You huh-.” I gave a dumbfounded glare. I noticed someone else exiting the vehicle. 

_… Lapis…?_

I gagged. I really can’t deal with blood oh my god that is a LOT. What happened to her FACE?!

“Oh- she’s… going down,” Steven said.

I locked up, Lapis bustling over to help me stay on my feet. 

“Let’s go,” Lapis started to haul me off with her arms, Steven right behind her. “We need to leave before he comes back.”

“Who? The officer?” I fretted.

“No, my uncle,” Lapis monotoned.

I lit up. “That’s sarcasm, right?”

“Oh my god,” Lapis sighed. 

“We can hide in the trees,” Steven pointed to the bushes and trees around the gas station. 

“Good thinking,” Lapis nodded. “These cuffs aren’t making anything better…”

“I- I could help you,” I blurted. “If we can just-“

“You can get these off us?” Lapis sounded astonished.

“Well, yeah! All I need is a paperclip or a Bobby pin, unless you’d rather prefer to try slipping out-“ I listed.

“... How do you know that?” Lapis raised a brow.

I blushed. I wanted to die right then and there. “Um… I ah… uhh… I read… fanfics…”

Lapis hardened her stare. She didn’t stop dragging me with her until we reached the cover of the foliage, and from there we began to sprint off.

“Hey so uh- where are we going?” I called.

“Pearl’s,” Lapis said without skipping a beat.

“Pearl?” 

“Yeah, Pearl’s!” Steven seemed joyful. “But she’s all the way in Beach City!”

“Beach City? I’m heading there-“ I mentioned.

“Well isn’t this just a coincidence,” Lapis muttered.

“I know right?!” I grinned. I studied Lapis, who flashed a deadpan expression. “... Oh. Sarcasm.”

“Bingo,” Lapis huffed.

“I’ve never been up this late before,” Steven commented.

“We can sleep once we get a good distance away,” Lapis assured.

“So ah- I guess we’re a team now?” I concluded. “I’ll be the leader! I’m smart, I’m small and fast-“

“No.” Lapis slowed beside a large tree, and we did the same. She breathed heavily through her mouth. “Shit… We aren’t far enough.”

“I think we’re plenty far enough,” I shrugged.

“No, once they find out we are missing, they’ll search and they _won’t_ stop searching for us,” Lapis hissed. “We have to keep going.”

I groaned.

_At least I’m with people I know… we can help each other! We can be a trio of runaway escapees, just like in-!_

We picked up the pace when we heard police sirens in the distance. The darkness of aging night that would soon be dawn became our ally.

* * *

“So.” Lapis wiped her nose with one of my shirts that I had given her, more concerned for her wound.

I watched intensely. 

“Why are you out here?” Lapis finally popped the question. She got as much dry blood off her face as she could, using the water nearby to help. We had stopped by one of the many small rivers branching off from Empire City’s harbor, needing a breather and some rest after so much chaos. I mean- I didn’t get into much chaos, but Steven and Lapis definitely needed rest. 

I bit my lip. “I ran away.”

“Figures.” Lapis winced, going on to wash the rest of her face. “I thought something was up when Steven said you stopped replying to him.”

Guilt infested me. “I’m- I’m sorry,” I shrank away. “I didn’t mean to-.”

“It’s fine.” Lapis handed me my shirt back, dripping with water and stained with some blood. Bah, I didn’t like that shirt anyway. 

We had been traveling for almost hours. I’ve kinda lost track of the concept of days and time, but I know for sure that it’s morning. We took LOTS of small breaks along the way and we also had to hide here and there, not wanting to risk getting caught and then thrown into jail or anything. We found shade, so that way we can nap without the sun in our eyes. We also found some stuff along the way at other gas stations and some trash cans, I luckily found some tools to work with and I got the cuffs off of them both without any damage! I’m rather proud of myself. You have NO idea how long it takes to get cuffs off using one paper clip, and nothing else. I wanted to yell while I was doing it. But I’m happy to help! I’m happy feeling like I’m... needed. Like I’m _important_.

It feels… kinda weird? I mean, it feels weird being with people I know and no adults. I’m just a high schooler! Is Lapis okay with me? I know Steven is but…

I wish I brought my chicken feathers…

“I’m taking a small nap. Can you keep watch?” Lapis yawned.

“Keep… watch?”

“Yeah. You know- for the police?” Lapis pressed, a bit annoyed. I felt bad about it but I don’t blame her, she literally has… sheesh, her nose… I think it’s broken…

“Oh! Yeah, yeah! I’ll keep watch, yeah,” I nodded.

“Thanks.”

I watched Lapis make herself comfortable near Steven who was already sleeping underneath a tree, keeping my distance.

_Keep watch… keep watch, yeah I can do that._

_I’m sleepy too but…_

_I don’t wanna let them down!_

_And Lapis is hurt!_

_We’ll run away together, we’ll do something about this! I don’t necessarily agree with the going to Pearl thing, but… I’d take anything over my mother._

_Who knows how mad she is right now?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // My FBI agent is probably wondering why I have so many google searches about cop cars pfft  
> Since info was somewhat hard to find regarding cop cars and if they remain unlocked, functions, etc, I based information here from UK answers regarding cop cars as well as how some Dodge Charger(?) models have a feature where they lock automatically when the key fob is out of a certain range and unlocks within certain range. I almost drove myself insane trying to research with limited answers- I personally don’t know much about ‘em I’m sorry


	46. Week Seven - Lapis, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio travels on.

“I’m so hungry…” 

“I know, Peridot.”

“I’m hungry too,” Steven added. “Maybe we can find someplace to stop and get some food!”

I sighed. My nose was a wreck. We’re broke. We’re going based off of what road signs and highway signs tell us. We are wanted by officers. And now… Jasper stopped texting me. 

_ At least it’s a break from her constant nagging. _

“We have no money,” I repeated myself at least ten times now, putting my phone away.

Peridot’s eyes glittered. “Then we  _ hunt _ ,” she stared into the distance of our surroundings, a fist to her chest.

“No! I don’t want to hunt anybody!” Steven shook his head.

“We have to return to our primal instincts if we are to survive!” Peridot announced. “I’ll make us a stick and we can use it to-!”

“Stop,” I snapped. “We aren’t hunting.”

“WHAT? I knew it. I’m gonna STARVE!” Peridot whined, throwing her hands up.

_ How did you even make it this far with an attitude like that? _

“Look, we can  _ try  _ someplace up ahead,” I caved in. Besides, I can’t let Steven starve. Or… Peridot too, I guess. It seems she’s made it clear that she’s with us now.

I… kind of owe her too. She did help us escape, and she got our cuffs off. … And she also helped me bandage up my nose. I touched the bandage over the bridge with my fingertips.

“Hey, Lapis? How are we gonna get food with no money?” Steven wondered.

_ Good question. _

_ You’re not gonna like the answer. _

“We steal.”

“ _ Steal?!”  _ Steven gasped.

“I like this girl,” Peridot agreed with me. “I used to think that she was rude, but she’s ambitious knowing what the prize is and how to get it.”

I glared at Peridot before I replied back to Steven. “We need food. We have no money. What other way is there?”

“I don’t know, maybe asking?” Steven suggested instead.

“It’s a tough world,” I crushed his hopes. “We can either steal, or we starve.”

_ I’m sorry, Steven. But… this is our life now until we can get back on track. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


It wasn’t easy walking into a small store and robbing it blind. There’s cameras to account for, the security as you leave, but I did it for Steven. People looked at me funny thanks to my nose, and I ignored them. I came in, got what I needed, and left as soon as possible. I peeled a few stickers off the products so that the security wouldn’t sound on me as I exited. I left with a few things hidden in my clothes and also in the jacket Peridot gave me for this purpose. We regrouped behind the store where we’d continue our trek to Beach City with the stolen snacks. 

“YOU… YOU GOT ME DORITOS?!” Peridot shouted when I handed over what I had gotten for her. “Not just any Doritos- you got me cool ranch?!”

“You said you want them as payment for using your jacket,” I recalled, half joking.

_ And… it’s the least I can do for now for you saving us. _

“Thank youuuu,” Peridot squeaked, hugging the bag. “I haven’t had these in forever.” She lurched forward like she was gonna hug me, but then she stopped.

_ Hm. Alright. _

_ I would’ve pulled away anyway so best she backed off. _

_ Who gets that excited over chips? _

I left it alone. Peridot began to eat her chips while I distributed the rest of what I stole. Three water bottles, some fruit snacks, two bananas, and granola bars. I gave a fruit snack to Steven, and I took a banana. The rest we put in Peridot’s backpack for later.

“You have no idea how hungry I am,” Peridot chewed down another chip.

_ And you have no idea how hard it was to sneak out this stuff. _

_ I’m pretty sure I’m banned from that store now. _

But, no matter. I succeeded, and that's what mattered. We have to keep going. We have to stay alive.

_ I’ll encourage Peridot to eat a granola bar later. Chips aren’t going to do anything. _

She looked happy though.

_ … Just like Steven. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


“When we get to Pearl’s, I’m gonna give her cats a big hug,” Steven giggled. We chose a place to camp along the river leading out to the ocean when it got dark, despite my suggestion to travel at night and sleep in the day.

_ We can’t travel in broad daylight- they can see us easier. _

_ Thanks to Peridot, Steven chose our current plan over my idea. _

_ … I hope that I’m not losing touch with him. _

“She has cats?” Peridot planted her backpack down onto the ground, taking out some items and reorganizing her belongings.

“Yeah! There’s Renegade, Silvia, Oyster-“ Steven began to list off. “She fosters cats. They’re all kittens and she takes care of them if they’ve been abandoned. Sometimes the mom doesn't want them or they’re sick, so she becomes like their new mom.”

“... Oh.” 

I noticed that Peridot sounded melancholy. 

“Maybe Pearl can make us one of her cherry pies!” Steven daydreamed.

“You're getting ahead of yourself,” I snorted, reaching over to tickle him.

“Nonono-! Lapis!” Steven laughed.

“Go to bed, doof,” I smiled.

“Aww, five more minutes?”

“You’re gonna be tired walking tomorrow if you don’t sleep now.”

“I guess…” Steven huffed. “Okay, I’ll go to bed.”

“Goodnight, Steven.”

“Goodnight, Lapis! Love you!”

“Love you too.”

I changed the bandage on my nose while Steven slumbered. I watched him in the corner of my eye a little bit out of paranoia. Grass wasn’t exactly an ideal or comfy place to sleep on, but we have to work with what we're given. We’re criminals, if I had to put it blunt. We have to watch our backs and not be too picky. 

_ Even if I don’t know what we did wrong. _

_ Why were they looking for Rose and Greg? _

_ More importantly, where did Peridot go? _

Ah. There she was, a bit further down the river cleaning her face. It’s like watching two kids now. It’s so much responsibility to be tasked with. 

_ I can’t be trusted with this. _

_ I’m going to mess up. _

_ Something bad is going to happen… _

I ensured that Steven was fine before I got up. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I guess I… still feel like I owe it to her for getting us out of that cop car? I… don’t know.

“... Hey,” I said once I was close to Peridot. 

Peridot jumped. She shook out her hair, sending drops of water everywhere like a dog. “Oh! H-hi!”

“You okay?” I asked.

“Of course I am! W-why are you- why are you asking?”

“How long have you been out here?”

Peridot adjusted her glasses. “N- ummmm… not long…” she shrugged. “I mean, maybe like two days? Four days…? Uh…”

“Can I ask  _ why  _ you ran away?”

Peridot fell dead silent. She shuffled her feet. “... My… my mom- she… wanted to…” she cleared her throat. “My mom wanted to remove a part of my brain.”

My eyes went wide. “She…  _ what _ ?”

_ What the FUCK? _

“It’s called lobotomy. My mother thinks it can help me. Perhaps a part of my brain being removed surgically can take away my autism.”

“HELP you?” I was shocked. “There is no way that can help you.”

“What do you mean?”

I blinked. “You’re… serious?”

“Oh-! I’m sorry, do I sound sarcastic? That’s not my intention-“

“No, you’re fine.”

“Okay, great!”

“Peridot, I’m serious. That’s not going to help you.”

Peridot seemed crestfallen. “Nothing else works, and my mother has already spent so much money and time! It has to work-“

I shook my head.

Peridot looked awkward. “How about ele-“

“If you’re going to say anything like electric therapy, your mother is a fucking horrible human being and I hope she  _ rots, _ ” I blurted.

“Excuse me?” Peridot gasped, offended.

“Yeah, I said it,” I crossed my arms. “I don’t get autism, but if I was a mom, I would  _ never  _ do that.”

_ Imagine if someone did that to Steven… _

“Well, you just don’t understand,” Peridot growled. “Ever since day one you’ve been mean to me, and my mom has never told me that gross love stuff or given me a hug. If removing something means that my mom will tell me that she’s proud of me, then so be it! Maybe I’ll go back home!”

I grabbed her shoulder. “Peridot.”

“No! Get off me! GAH! You… you clod!” She shook me off. But before she could walk away, I stopped her by standing in her way.

“Peridot,” I repeated, getting her attention, “... I think you’ve been abused.”

“Abused?”

I nodded. “Your mother never told you that she loves you?”

Peridot went quiet again. Her lip quivered.

“Your mother never hugged you?”

Peridot got uncomfortable. I could see by the way that she was standing. She was shaking.

“What else did she do to you?”

Peridot sniffled. “I… I don’t want to…”

_ I get it now. _

_ That one time she randomly burst into anger at me while in the pasture… she’s been holding in something. _

_ … God… I…- _

I really don’t want to get into any emotional crap. But… I’d be lying if I said that watching someone just…  _ crumble apart  _ right in front of me didn’t do something to me.

_ “We are gathered today to mourn and honor the lives of June and Anthony Florence. A tragic loss, and a tragic event.” _

I know what it’s like to be alone.

_ “We’ll put you in a good home, alright?” _

I know what it’s like to be scared, unsure of what to do and acting without thinking.

_ “She fucking bit me!” _

But most of all, I know what it’s like to be at a lowest point; staying up all night tired from internal breakage, cracking at the surface and threatening to explode from the splits, mourning over losses, having thoughts that threaten to take you to your grave and bury yourself alive.

I leaned in a little, letting Peridot fall into my arms. She was cracking. I could see it.

I said nothing for a while, simply letting her just… let it out. I clutched her shoulders, helping stabilize her. Then, I spoke softly. “I want to know your story now instead of at your funeral.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’ll draw Steven soon, I promise lol  
> I drew this piece a while back with small additions such as Peridot’s hands being strung together to symbolize quiet hands, the butterflies around Lapis to represent anxieties or constant thoughts/nags about her past, etc


	47. Week Seven - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot experiences a mood drain, getting emotionally exhausted.

I… guess it’s safe to say that Lapis and I are friends? Oh it’s hard to tell- there’s so many mixed signals going on about it! I gripped my backpack, thinking back on a certain word that she had said one night.

_ Abused… _

_ I am not! _

_ Right? _

“Over this road, and then take a left, see?” Lapis pointed out the upcoming sign by the road. “We want to go this way. It’ll take us out of state.”

“I never knew Beach City was this far,” Steven commented. “It felt like only an hour or so with mom.”

“That’s because by car it’s a lot faster than on foot,” Lapis giggled. “And you take a nap on the way there.”

I said nothing.

We traveled on, following the road, but also keeping an eye out for vehicles in case one happened to be one that we did not want to bump into.

_ I’m such a criminal… hanging with these other criminals… _

_ I don’t do so good with police and running away and hiding and-. _

“I can’t wait until we get there…” Steven sighed.

“I never thought I’d say this, but… I miss my bed. Or any bed,” Lapis agreed.

_ I don’t wanna stay with Pearl, she’s so…!  _

“What are you gonna do, Peridot? I bet that Pearl can let you sleep on the couch! Or I can sleep on the couch, and I can give you my room!” Steven offered.

“You have a room?” I asked.

“Yup! Pearl has guest rooms, but she also has a room for me and Lapis to share when we visit her,” Steven elaborated. “It’s so cute! She has these nice little paintings of dolphins and stuff in it.”

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Lapis intervened.

_ Well… I don’t really have anywhere else to go… _

“I-I’ll stay,” I decided. I eyed Lapis most of all, still pondering about that one night. 

_ Does she think I’m a freak? _

_ What does she mean by she wants to know me now rather than at my funeral? _

That night after I broke down much to my embarrassment, eventually I had stopped crying and so I had fallen asleep. I mean I’m grateful that Lapis didn’t tease me, but…

Abuse…? What did she mean…?

I felt so bummed today, so out of it. Just like yesterday… Ah… I want to go back to sleep… 

“Hey, Steven, remember that motel Rose and Greg took us to on the way to Pearl’s before?” Lapis mentioned.

“Keystone?” Steven guessed.

“Bingo,” Lapis nodded. “We can head there and get a more proper place to sleep. We can’t use Greg or Rose’s name, but… I know a name to put the tab under.” She gave a smirk.

_ Is she hiding something? _

_ Motel… hmph, I suppose that I’d like a motel to sleep in, why not? _

We headed onward.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“One water bottle… we need to distribute it slowly,” Lapis told us as she went over what we had left for supplies. “If we keep it for emergencies and use water fountains whenever we see them…”

“This sucks,” I kicked the ground.

“Hmm. And without me, you wouldn’t have had any food in the first place,” Lapis sassed.

I kicked the ground again, then rolled my eyes. I wanted to argue with her but I lacked any energy right now to do so.

“What about your nose?” Steven pointed.

“It’s fine,” Lapis assured. “It’s… gonna take a while to heal, but…” she touched the bandaid.

My whole body is aching. I wanna plop down and just snore. 

_ I could’ve been at home right now with my bed and my tablet and my blanket and food-... _

I haven’t been able to use my tablet at all because obviously there is no WiFi in the middle of NOWHERE. We have limited snacks, we don’t know where we are going- I don’t think Lapis knows where she is going anyway!- and I’m tired, I’m hot, I’m MISERABLE.

_ I’m… I’m walking through a valley of shadow and death… just like that one song I had heard from a restaurant before I met with Lapis and Steven... _

Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me. Just like in that song too- right?

I began to whistle lightly, keeping myself occupied as we walked.

_ Would I really take lobotomy over this…? _

_ … N-no. I can’t, I just can’t… _

We’ve come too far already anyways! We can’t turn back! 

_ Can we…? _

I stopped.

_ What if I… what if… if I get WiFi again, what if I contact my mom…-? _

“Peridot!” Steven called. “Come on! We gotta cross here!”

I snapped up to attention. Oh. Right. Yeah. I sprinted forward, catching up to the two.

_ … But I know when I die, my soul is damned. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Song being referenced; “Through the Valley” by Shawn James


	48. Week Eight - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang finally reaches the Keystone Motel. They’re halfway there, and Peridot gets confronted about her attitude lately.

“OH MY GOSH FINALLY-“ I ran ahead, despite Steven yelling after me.

It was Lapis who stopped me, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt after she caught up to me. I gagged, flailing my arms about.

“What gives?! There is it! Your motel!” I complained, unable to free myself.

“We can’t be loud,” Lapis reasoned. She dropped me, letting me fall forward onto the ground with a plop. I grimaced, shaking the dirt off of me. 

“And why not?” I hissed.

“It’s late, for starters,” Lapis began. “Second, we need to keep a low profile.”

_ She is so serious about this. Sheesh, is she really that scared of being found? If I was found, I’d just take it and get brought back home-! _

“Oh thank stars, I’m so tired,” Steven panted, finally catching up as well. Lapis pat him on the back.

“I’m HUNGRY, I’m THIRSTY, I’m TIRED-“ I spat.

“Shush.” Lapis walked on, taking the lead.

_ She acts like she’s the leader, and she has been since I saved her!  _

_ I RAN AWAY FIRST. I’m the first fugitive!! _

I don’t know why I’m getting so annoyed about this. I’ve been grumpy over lots of things lately. Like that… that COW we saw on the way here in that pasture! It looked at me funny and I can TELL that it was making fun of me!! I want to PUNCH IT. Ground beef! Ground beef!

I sucked in my pride, following after Steven and Lapis. 

_ At least a motel will be better than sleeping on dirt and grass… cloddy grass… ARRGGHH! CLODDY PLANET!! _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“We’re all set,” Lapis announced after she finally exited the main office of the motel. Steven and I had been waiting outside on the curb, watching some crickets as they jumped by. It was super boring, really. Crickets are like tiny nuisances, and they remind me of jumping spiders. Ew. Did I just see a roach?

“How did you get a room?” Steven was in awe of the room key that Lapis showed off.

_ Pah. Showoff! I could’ve done this on my own! I could’ve gotten TWO keys!! _

“I put it under the tab of an old headache,” Lapis answered.

“Should I ask WHO?” I gruffed.

“What’s with you?” Lapis called me out. “You’ve been grumpy since yesterday.”

I flicked a cricket off my pants and stood up “I could’ve done this without your constant nagging and poor leadership skills!”

“... What?” Lapis scrunched up her nose.

“I am NOT abused, and I-!”

“Oh. You’re hung up about-“

“I AM NOT!”

“Peridot, calm down.”

“I AM CALM!”

“Quiet down.”

I breathed fast through my nose, my chest puffing in and out. 

“Okay, okay, guys let’s go to our room! Come on, there’s a swimming poooool!” Steven coaxed us out of a possible argument.

I stared at Lapis, watching her lead Steven to the motel room.

_ … Pathetic, dumb, stupid-!  _

_ What does she know about abuse?! I’m Peridot, I’m not abused!! She just doesn’t get my mom!!  _

_ She has PTSD, I have autism!! It’s not the same thing!! She doesn’t GET IT!!  _

I wanna eat some chips, but not just normally, I wanna eat them AGGRESSIVELY. 

I held my arms over my chest, crossed. I eventually followed. We stopped in front of a room on the bottom story to the far right of the motel, close to the swimming pool that Steven had mentioned.

_ We don’t even have any swimming outfits… I should’ve packed more. _

_ It reminds me of Crystal Falls, phooey. _

_ What ‘old headache’ was Lapis talking about anyway? It can’t be THAT easy to book a room just by saying ‘oh yeah by the way I know this person, so put it under their tab!’ Isn’t that illegal?? What if Lapis is only getting us in MORE trouble?! The CLOD! _

“Abracadabra,” Lapis sarcastically said as she opened the door to our room, revealing the inside. I took a peek, unimpressed. It was very plain and simple, with two beds, a closet, an air conditioner, a television, and a bathroom. 

“Hey, we got the same room as last time we were here!” Steven was easily amused.

“How can you tell? I’m pretty sure they all look the same,” Lapis laughed.

“The deer portrait! Right there!” Steven pointed to the painting on the wall between the two beds. “Nice to see you again too, Ronnie,” he flashed a pair of finger guns to the portrait.

“Ronnie?” Lapis also examined the painting. “He has a name?”

“Nah, it’s the name I gave him. But it suits him!”

I could care less. I took my backpack, I set it down beside the bed closest to the door, and I collapsed onto the sheets.

“Someone’s eager to get bedbugs,” Lapis commented, noticing me.

“BED-WHAT?!” I shouted, jumping up. I slipped, falling onto the floor.

Lapis snorted. “I’m kidding. Partly.”

I glared at her. “You-!” I shook a fist.

“I’m gonna go in the pool!” Steven exclaimed.

“With what? You don’t have a change of clothes,” Lapis pointed out.

“I can swim in my shorts!” Steven suggested.

“Hmm…” Lapis wasn’t so sure about that. 

“If I have shorts that fit him, he can borrow them,” I mumbled, I don’t know why I offered. I just… okay, Steven is my friend, and if he wants to go swim, then he can swim! I’m good with friends! I’m a good friend!

_ Aren’t I? _

“Really?” Steven lit up.

“I… suppose,” Lapis caved. “We can wash them afterward.”

“Cool,” I muffled, getting back on the bed and burying my face into the pillow. Oh pillows, I’ve missed you.

Steven went through my backpack with my permission in search of some shorts, proving to be successful with his search after a bit. He went to the bathroom to go change into them, and that’s when Lapis began to verbally ATTACK me again. Like COME ON??

“Can you  _ please  _ lighten up?” Lapis requested. She sat on the other bed.

I didn’t answer her.

“Are you still upset about-“

“No! Of course not! I don’t get upset at anything!” I turned my back to her.

“Then why are you being so… crabby?” Lapis questioned. “Are you cramping?”

“No.”

“You’re moody because you’re hungry.”

“No!”

“Then-“

“Just… just shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I pleaded, hands over my head. My body was shaking again. I don’t really know what’s going on.

Lapis didn’t say anything more. I thanked her for that. 

Steven fit the shorts as it turns out, and Lapis gave him a towel from the bathroom to use. He went out to the pool while Lapis opened the blinds a bit so that she could keep him in her sights. She’s such a mom. Why not adopt Steven at this point, huh?!

I heard the television being turned on. I peeked. Lapis powered it on and changed the channel to some kind of… I don’t know, reality tv show… I can’t see most of it.

“You can tell me what’s going on, you know,” Lapis spoke up.

Is she… talking to me? “Oh my gosh, nothing is going on,” I air quoted.

“Then explain the attitude.”

“Are you attacking me?”

“I’m just saying. I know that this… isn’t easy on any of us. We aren’t even adults. But… this is what’s happening, and we have to work through it. I’m scared too.”

I rolled my eyes, mocking her by repeating what she said last in poor pronunciation. 

“... Fine. Then lay around all day and wallow in your self party,” Lapis gave up at last. “I know what it’s like. And I know what it’s like to shut people out. You’re denying the facts. I get it.”

“Denying what? You make no sense!”

“You’re denying the fact that you were abused. You were manipulated into thinking that whatever kind of childhood you had is normal.”

I winced.

“Am I right?” Lapis challenged.

“Go away,” I barked.

Lapis sighed. “... You’re allowed to grieve. But at least don’t give us attitude when we all need each other most right now.” She turned down the volume of the television before she leaned back in the bed. “... He cares about you.”

“Who, Steven?” I guessed.

Lapis nodded. “He likes everybody. But he gets most worried about you.”

_ … Worried?  _

_ I… I don’t think that my mom got worried about me… _

It got silent between us. I stared at the wall. 

“... Is that Camp Pining Hearts?” I blurted after a while, recognizing the voice from the television.

“No,” Lapis quickly shot down.

“It is, that’s the episode when-“ 

“Okay, so I watch Camp Pining Hearts. So what?” Lapis admitted.

“You… you watch…” my eyes lit up. I sat up in my bed, eyes glued to the screen. “Hey! T-this is the episode where Percy-!”

“I’m going to take a piss.” Lapis got up, marching to the bathroom. “Watch Steven for me, okay?”

_ … Oookay then. _

I dwelled on it, left alone on the bed with the television playing. I reached over to get the remote, turning up the volume. 

_ Wow.  _

_ That was… _

_ Okay, so… maybe she was right. I’m… denying it. But it just-! It can’t-! It’s not abuse! Is it? No, it can’t be! Is it? _

_ It’s all I…. it’s all I know. It’s what I grew with…  _

_ Holy shit… _

_ It’s all I’ve known… _

I watched as Counselor Jessica gave the campers some marshmallows to roast over the fire, unable to focus on much playing on the screen. I took my tablet out of my backpack with some stretching over.

_ There’s WiFi here… _

I was surged with notifications. Mostly from my mom. They were all  _ angry  _ ones too.

_ Go back… go back… can I go back? _

_ I don’t know what to do! I can’t go back now! I’m too far in deep, I’d get punished for YEARS! Years! If I go back home now… _

I listened to Percy tell the camp that true friends could be found in the most oddest of places. Then, everyone dug into their marshmallows, having fun after a long day of fighting only to find out that teamwork gets them farther than ever.

_ I don’t know how long this will last or how to fix this… I don’t know how to change this… _

_ I don’t know if I’ll ever be ‘normal’... _

_ But… Steven worries about me? That’s… more than my mom ever did… just look at these texts! Not a single please or a single I miss you! It’s all mad capitals saying come home now! _

_ … Have I seriously been… abused? This whole time?  _

I stared down at my hands.

_ … Then why did my mom give me gloves with ointment? How come she cares about my future? She must care a little! _

_ Why are parents so confusing? _

I went over to the window, watching Steven in the pool. Lapis said to watch him after all, and I’m not sure if I’m willing to let her or Steven down.

_ She got so defensive when I mentioned Camp Pining Hearts… _

_ Just like how I got defensive when she said I was being abused… _

I almost fell onto the floor again when I heard Lapis yell from the bathroom, startling me straight. She sounded irritated. “Oh, NOW our texts to Pearl send?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Fun fact when I bump into a writer’s block, I either read some Scott Pilgrim or play some Life is Strange for inspiration


	49. Week Eight - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Great news arrives to the trio from Pearl.

“She’s gonna pick us up from here?” Steven concluded.

“Yup,” Lapis confirmed.

“Yeah! No more walking!” Steven celebrated.

“... So you’re telling me, you texted Pearl before, but it didn’t go through… until NOW?” I summarized. I was still a bit groggy, having just woken up. It’s so early…

Lapis nodded. “I cleared things up with her.”

My eye twitched.

“It’s okay! We can stay here until then, and when Pearl picks us up, she might take us to Dairy Queen!” Steven attempted to lighten up the atmosphere. 

_ Food… oh glorious food… water… _

“I’m just worried if the police can trace us over in the next state,” Lapis sighed.

“You still don’t know who they were working for or why they tried to take you?” I arched a brow, rubbing my eyes.

“Nope,” Lapis crossed her arms.

“I hope the animals are okay…” Steven frowned. “Especially Edmond.”

Lapis shared a similar expression. “They’ve probably been relocated,” she comforted him. “Or given to a foster for a while.”

_ That’s right… nobody has been on the farm to take care of them… oh my gosh… _

Now I felt horrible.

_ All those chickens…! I should’ve taken them with me-. _

“We can stay one more day. It shouldn’t take Pearl long to get here,” Lapis told us. “So until then, we just… chill.”

“That’s like what Amethyst says,” Steven chortled.

“Exactly.” Lapis spread out on the bed, getting comfy.

“I’m putting on that channel that had Camp Pining Hearts,” I announced, feeling around for the remote.

“No. How about you don’t,” Lapis groaned.

“Why not?” What's with her and Camp Pining Hearts?!

“But Lapis, we love-“ Steven began before Lapis shushed him.

“What’s so bad about that show?” I squinted. “I love it! I even have the collector’s super edition that comes with the official flag! Well… not on me anymore, but…”

“It’s just… embarrassing,” Lapis said. “I got made fun of for liking it. Same for stuff like  _ Howl’s Moving Castle, The Lovely Bones… _ ”

“Those… are two completely different genres,” I noticed.

“It’s okay, Lapis. We won’t make fun of you! I know that I won’t,” Steven promised. “Come on! Let’s watch Camp Pining Hearts. I haven’t seen it in a while, I forgot some parts.”

“I can fill you in!” I grinned.

“It’s just… hard. Okay?” Lapis said. “I’ve got… memories attached with it.”

Me and Steven went mute, unsure of what to say next. 

_ Oh… _

_ Hmm. Oh no, do I have to be the one giving advice or powerful words now? Like when Lapis talked to me last night? Uh… don’t eat yellow snow! Don’t put forks into outlets! I should NOT be a therapist-. _

“Don’t- don’t put yellow outlets into fork snow,” I blurted.

Lapis shot me a confused expression. I hid my face.

“How about we make new memories then?” Steven got an idea. He jumped up onto the bed that Lapis was on, hugging her. “I wish we could make hot cocoa, that would make this ten times better!”

“New memories…” Lapis echoed. She nodded slowly. “... I like that. Thanks, Steven.” She leaned in, blowing a raspberry on his head. “But first, go get a shower. I’ll take one after you.”

_ NO NO NO I KNOW WHAT SHE’S DOING, SHE IS SENDING STEVEN OFF SO SHE CAN ONE ON ONE ME. _

“I-I’m gonna go try and crack the vending machine in the office,” I quickly said. I tripped over the sheets as I got up, hurrying out of the room.

I could just  _ feel _ Lapis staring at me as I left.

_ Abused… abused… my mother isn't… is she? _

_ Walking through a valley… valley of shadow and death… _

I’m so tired, but gosh be danged I’m going to try and score myself something from the vending machine with no money. Hopefully I don’t get kicked out for cursing and kicking it…

_ But at least when Pearl picks us up, I’ll finally be in a HOUSE. Unless she lives in an apartment, or a box. I don’t know where she lives, okay?! And CATS?! Pearl better not lecture me about sunscreen or I will eat my leg. I’m gonna barbecue my leg. I WILL CHEW ON MY LEG. CONSUME LEG. _

I entered the office, squaring up to the vending machine. The person at the front desk was busy talking on the phone, so I had the perfect chance to get frustrated at a vending machine.


	50. Week Eight - White, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile over with the Diamonds...

“What?! I didn’t book any rooms at the Keystone Motel!” Kevin angrily disputed. “Who booked under my name? I haven’t been there since last summer! It’s a crappy motel!”

“What’s going on?” I asked, stepping into the office. 

While the case regarding the escaped children went underway, we managed to find Rose and Greg Universe. As I awaited for them to be brought to me, I oversaw the regular private office meetings as normal. This one was being handled by Holly, Bronagh’s representative. A teenager came storming in demanding to sue someone. Kevin, what a standard name.

_ Such amusing young things, aren’t they? Filled with ideas of testimonies fueled with ridiculous reason… But it’s all part of entertainment. _

“I was emailed saying that I owe the Keystone Motel, that I have a tab!” Kevin riled up. 

“Someone named Lapis Universe is using his tab,” Holly took over the situation. “Darn Keystone and their odd state rules- really, who even hears of  _ tabs  _ with  _ motel rooms?  _ Nonetheless, I ran a few scans, contacted the front desk directly, and got a name of the one using his tab. A complicated process, but the name was provided in the end after a few searches connected to phone numbers. We are blessed that if not sense to wonder why anybody would need motel tabs, then sense to rent a room only with valid identification of the resident.”

“Universe?” My eyes glittered.

“That’s the girl that got away, isn’t it?” Holly commented.

“Indeed,” I purred. “She and that Steven child. My investigators supplied me with their names. You say that Lapis has used your name for a motel room?” I kindly, coyly, said to Kevin.

_ But, now we know where you are, my chickadees. _

“Lapis…?” A voice gasped from behind me.

“May I help you?” I met their gaze, not too pleased with surprise guests. A woman stood there, her black hair curled at the ends, and wearing a simple blue dress. Around her neck, she wore a blue-stone necklace. She seemed to be just a few years younger than my age, ripening with wisdom and prospering femininity. “It’s rude to intervene with conversations that don’t concern you.”

She took a step back, aware that I had caught her eavesdropping. “Do… do you happen to know her last name?” She spoke up at last. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I came here to take care of a few bills and taxes. I couldn’t help but-“

“Yeah! Lapis Universe, the broad’s been adopted by some farm hippies,” Kevin informed.

“Universe… oh, no, I’m sorry. That doesn’t sound familiar. I was hoping for a Lapis Florence,” the woman said. 

“Florence was her former last name, as she told me anyway,” Kevin corrected. “She’s been adopted so many times that I doubt she’s even real. When can I sue her? Where is she?” He held his fists at his sides. “I hate it when women think that they-“

“Lapis Florence! Black hair, tan skin?” The woman pressed.

Kevin gave a dumbfounded look. “Yeah? She dyes her hair blue, but-“

I watched on with curiosity. 

_ It seems that I’m not the only one hungry for a hunt... _

“Ma’am!” The woman pleaded with me. “Please, may I request a meeting with you or someone who specializes in reuniting families?”

“Reunit- what? I just want my tab cleared, I want to hold her accountable for fraud,” Kevin returned to Holly. “How did she even use my tab?!”

“Ask the state of Keystone,” Holly gruffly provided a snide remark.

I smiled. “Holly, do see that this man gets his debt clear,” I ordered with a clap of my hands. “And as for you ma’am,” I invited the woman, “of course I can arrange a meeting. May I ask your name, darling?”

“Of course. My name is Charlotte Lazuli. I’m the wife of Lawrence Lazuli, and mother to my two girls Nancy and Mary. I… have been hoping one day my eldest daughter would return.”

“It’s such a pleasure to meet you, Charlotte,” I warmly welcomed. “Come, come, let’s talk about this meeting you desire.”

_ We are both after the same thing after all… We can help each other. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // *chuckles* They’re in danger


	51. Week Eight - Lapis, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl arrives to pick the trio up, taking them to Beach City at last.

“She’s here! Guys, come on!” Steven rushed out of the room.

“Slow down, you’re going to break a flip flop,” I called.

“Sheesh, surprising how he hasn’t broken one yet,” Peridot commented, getting her belongings altogether. “Steven! Wait for me!!”

“Tell me about it,” I agreed.

_ There’s still this sort of… tension between me and Peridot.  _

_ … I don’t blame her. _

_ I only initially warmed up to her because of Steven. But, now I… actually feel sorry for her. _

“Does it have to be so EARRRRLY?” Peridot protested. She shoved her clothes into her backpack.

“There’s a certain check out time,” I retorted.

“Well, sure, but does that matter? Don’t you have us under a tab anyway?” 

“You can just tell me if you don’t want to come with us,” I joked.

“I am coming with you!! Clod!”

I gave an amused snort. “Come on. Pearl’s all about being punctual.”

_ She doesn’t like being late for anything or being delayed. Besides, I’m so ready to get a change of clothes and a proper bed… _

I froze before I could even leave the room. Peridot threw down her backpack onto the bed, causing a thump that had caught me by surprise as well as captured my attention.

“Just admit that you’ve been trying to get rid of me!” Peridot accused me.

“What?” I stumbled with my words.

“Yeah! That’s why you keep telling me that I could leave anytime, isn’t it? And the stuff about abuse-! My- my mom-!” 

“Peridot-.”

“Nuh uh! It ain’t working this time, Lapis!”

“Peridot, please not now… come on.”

Peridot put on her backpack. I thought that she was finally cooperating, until she began to walk away once we were outside. I had the key from the room in my hand. 

“Where are you going?” I yelled after her.

“Away! It’s clear that nobody wants me around them!” Peridot shouted back.

_ For fuck’s sake! _

I ignored the sound of a van beeping nearby, knowing that it was Pearl.

_ Like it or not, Peridot, you’re one of us now. Us, as in the kids who had to grow up stronger than the rest just to survive each day. _

“I’ll be a moment,” I informed Pearl when she rolled down her window. “Peridot’s having trouble.” I didn’t wait for a response. I ran after Peridot, grabbing her shoulder once I was close.

“LET GO!” Peridot hissed.

“Not until you come with us,” I demanded. “What’s going on? Is this still about your mom?”

“No!” Peridot gulped. “M-maybe.”

“Listen. You’ve been fucking  _ abused.  _ And unless you give me good reasons why you weren't, you’re coming with us.”

“Why would I ever do that?!”

“Because Steven cares about you!  _ We  _ care about you!” I shook her lightly. “You’re so… stubborn!”

“At least that’s ONE thing someone likes about me!”

I gritted my teeth, keeping my temper.

_ Stay calm.  _

_ I could blow up if I wanted to. _

_ Peridot is just- _

“You’re in denial. You’re lost, you’re scared, we’re all hungry and we’re thirsty. We’re tired. We’re- do I even need to say that we’re on the run?” I argued.

“ _ You  _ are! I’m not! I could go back home if I want to, you- you big-headed, mud-ridden, cootie-infested-!”

“Then do it,” I dared, brushing off the kindergarten insults. “Go ahead. Go home. It’d be better than out here.” I leaned in. “And don’t worry- your mother loves you. What do you have to worry about?”

Peridot didn’t reply.

“That’s what I thought,” I muttered under my breath. “Are you coming with us, or not? Final answer.”

Peridot hesitated.

I started to head back to the van.

Peridot eventually followed me.

We said nothing more to each other. 

“Is everything alright?” Pearl questioned us.

I slid into the passenger’s seat, relieved to see Steven waiting in the back. I buckled myself in, and soon Peridot entered the back seat as well.

“Yeah,” I responded to Pearl. “Sorry about the wait.”

“It’s no problem,” Pearl assured. “I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be here sooner. The traffic was  _ horrible! _ ”

“You’re fine.” I relaxed in my seat. “How’s Renegade?”

“And Silvia! Don’t forget Silvia!” Steven added.

“They’re both doing wonderful, even Oyster has been on best behavior lately,” Pearl gushed. 

I smiled, basking in the welcome environment of casual conversation- something  _ familiar  _ from the life before chaos.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“I had to be mean, you know,” I stated, grabbing a fresh pair of clothes that Pearl lent to me. I passed by the doorway, looking in. “Otherwise, you would’ve run off and gotten caught eventually.”

“I know…” Peridot hung her backpack up in the closet of the spare room, all her items that had been previously inside it now sprawled out on the bed. She got a room and Steven and I planned to share our usual. Pearl has this nice home by the beach in Beach City, complete with an open view in the living room where you can see the shore from the windows.

I cleared my throat. “Do you… want to ah… talk about it?”

“No…”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “Well… if you want to, I’m here.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? After you hated me and everything…” Peridot confronted. “Is this because of Steven?”

“Partly,” I admitted. “But also, because…” I sighed, my eyes on the clothes in my arms. “... I know what it’s like to be there. In denial, I mean. When I lost my parents-“

“I still have my mom, I- I don’t know my dad,” Peridot broke in. “But I bet that your mom was proud of you unlike my mother.”

I beamed, mourning the memories I still had left of my parents. “She sure was. We’d go swimming or surfing, and she’d wear this beautiful lei around her neck. She taught me to dance while my father bragged about us to everyone around him.”

_ I’ve never told anybody but Steven this before. I… I think I trust you with this, Peridot. _

_ I trust you enough to open up to you, relate to you. _

_ Just don’t make me regret it. Don’t you dare become another Kevin to me. _

Peridot had fallen mute. Was she listening to me?

“I feel so… lonely, especially without people I know,” I went on, thinking of Jenny and my other friends, Jasper, even Amethyst and others from the therapy sessions. “In a time like this too, it’s not easy. So if you ever want to talk…”

“I’ll… think about it,” Peridot said.

I understood. I left, bringing the clothes with me to the bathroom so that I could change and freshen up.

_ Perhaps it’s not such a bad idea to befriend Peridot after all. We’re two sides of the same agony. We’re both in denial. _

* * *

  
  
  


It was late, and I had grown incredibly thirsty. I couldn’t sleep, envious that Steven was slumbering, trying to see if I could reach out to Jasper now that I’m settled into an actual household. Slowly I crept from the room I shared with Steven to the kitchen, the sound of the ocean waves outside embracing me like a lullaby.

_ I’m afraid of water. But the sea sounds so… peaceful. _

The kitchen light was on. Pearl must still be awake too. I didn’t make a fuss out of it, I didn’t bother Pearl, I simply got a glass from the cupboards. I took another glance at Pearl, however. Especially when I heard crying. 

“What’s wrong? Is it one of your cats?” I kept my glass, but I went over to Pearl, wanting to comfort her. It made me feel upset too. Pearl’s like a part of the family when she visits us, always so kind even if a bit overcautious. She and Rose are the closest friends that I’ve ever seen.

“No, not at all-“ Pearl sniffled, unable to stop the tears. “It’s about Rose.” She couldn’t put down her phone. She was leaning over the kitchen counter, miserable.

My heart stopped, my skin crawled with unease. It felt like someone was ripping the top layer of my body off with pliers.

One of Pearl’s cats meowed nearby.

“Rose… is… Rose is  _ dead _ ,” Pearl sobbed.

I dropped my glass. It shattered into a billion pieces.


	52. Week Eight - Peridot, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Steven weren’t told about the news yet. Peridot learns about fun.

I held my tape recorder in my hand, debating back and forth if I should use it again. Normally I only do so in the events of something exciting to save for future documentation for my mother, or for quick notes and observations that I think I’d forget, so it has been left abandoned for a good while now. Oh the poor recorder… I hope it still works!! 

_But it’d no longer be for documentation for my mom…_

_Whoa._

That’s… rather weird to think about. A tape recorder… which I use for my own free will instead of for the benefit of my parent…

I stared at it. It felt like I was being sucked into it with how intensely focused I was on it.

_I could record… anything I want…_

_What I ate for breakfast, what happened so far, my thoughts, my feelings- Lapis did say that I could talk to her! But she’s not here right now!_

Lapis has been gone practically all day. I’m not sure why or what for, but Steven entrusts that she’d be back before dark and that she’s either getting coffee, groceries for Pearl, or going to the beach. She’s also been keeping bandages on her nose.

_Maybe I can go to the beach!! Oh my gosh!! I CAN GO TO THE BEACH!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO THE BEACH!!_

I put my recorder on the bed, running out of the room. My newfound excitement exploded.

I’m going to the beach! It’s just right down there from the house!! Oh my gosh oh my GOSH OH MY GOSH I CAN GO SWIMMING-.

_… I don’t know how to swim._

_Ummm…_

_Floaties. Yes._

“STEVEN!” I called out. “STEEEVEN!”

“Peridot! I’m in the living room!” I heard Steven respond.

I dashed over to where he was, giddy and unable to contain myself. I was repeatedly tapping my feet on the floor like a dance. I’m excited, can’t you tell?! I could go outside! I could go OUTSIDE TO THE BEACH! I could use my tape recorder for anything! My tablet too!

_I FEEL SO… SO FREE!_

Steven laughed as one of Pearl’s cats jumped into his lap, purring joyfully. He was sitting on one of the couches, watching a cartoon on the television while Pearl worked on making lunch. It had something to do with strawberries and something else from what I could see at my angle.

_Ugh… I have to admit how nice she is even if she was so annoying back during Fun Saturday._

For breakfast, she made us pancakes with chocolate chips and bananas inside!! And homemade syrup!! Isn’t that AWESOME?? But she seems to be rather a bit quiet today...

“Steven! I demand to know where the nearest pair of floaties are!” I squeaked.

“Floaties?” Steven pet the cat. It was very fluffy and it was all white. I think that’s Oyster? No, Renegade-. Wait… I don’t know.

_Renegade, renegade… you know that song? That song that would play on some Camp Pining Hearts memes… renegade, renegade, why does it sound like ‘burn the gay’? What’s that other renegade song…? It goes bada-ba, bada-bah, living like we’re renegades-._

“-in the garage.” Steven waved a hand toward me. “Peridot? Are you okay?”

I blinked. “Oh! Yeah, yeah, in the garage? Floaties? Floaties are in the garage?”

_I should really stop zoning out._

_Focus, Peridot!!_

“Yup! Are you going to the beach? Can I come with you?” Steven turned off the television with the remote. “Hey, Pearl! I’m gonna go with Peridot to the beach! We’ll be back before lunch, I promise!” He put the cat down, then skipped to me.

“Oh- be sure to wear sunscreen!” Pearl reminded, a bit late with her response.

_Is she that focused on making lunch?_

_Ah, there’s the sunscreen comment._

_‘Kay._

“Let’s go! The beach is super nice up here. The sand is soft and the ocean is warm around this time!” Steven pulled on my hand, leading me to the garage.

“Because… urine?” I guessed, allowing Steven to take me to the floaties.

Steven giggled. “No, because it warms up naturally near the end of summer for a bit. Pearl says it has to do with currents and sun, longitude…”

“Do you swim?”

“A little.” Steven brought me into the garage. It was so well organized, I was fawning over it. 

_Tools in the appropriate place, cardboard and books all aligned and using maximum capacity to their fullest ability, no spiderwebs-! This is HEAVEN!!_

I found myself looking through Pearl’s tool section on a crafting table, unable to help myself. I’ve always wanted to try tinkering, but when I was with my mom, it was hard to get the tools in the first place. I had so many ideas!! I made sure to not touch any tools or move them too far from their place, simply observing. “What does she use all these tools for?” I asked.

“She made the fence around her house a while ago because she wanted to keep people out and grow a garden,” Steven explained. “She plans on painting it soon.”

“A… garden?”

“It’s not done yet, but if you want, you can plant something once it’s done!” Steven invited. “Lapis is gonna plant tomatoes. I’m gonna plant tulips. You can plant some with me!”

“I’d… like that,” I nodded.

Steven found the floaties, and we exited from the garage back into the house to get our bathing outfits on. I went to my room, finding a tank top and shorts that I could use as a swimsuit since I didn’t pack my actual one. I’m being resourceful!

Steven and I regrouped after some minutes, leaving through the front door. We had the floaties all blown up, and Steven had also found a pool noodle. He was wearing red swim trunks.

“OW!” I exaggerated when I was accidentally hit with the pool noodle. “Is that a weapon?!”

“Oh- Sorry! This is a pool noodle, do you want it?” Steven offered me.

“That depends if it’s of any use,” I said. “Didn't Pearl say to also wear some sunscreen? I’ve only been here a while but I don’t want to hear more of her nagging than I already have to.”

_Even if she’s irritating, I guess that I do have to give her some points for temporarily housing me in my current choice to be homeless. And for feeding me and providing air conditioning…_

_Those pancakes… UGGGHHH HEAVEN._

“I got a bottle right here, don’t worry!” Steven joyfully showed me the bottle of sunscreen that he had apparantly grabbed along with the pool noodle and floaties. “I can help you put it on once we get outside. This pool noodle can help keep you afloat in the water.”

“Then I’ll take it,” I agreed, snatching the noodle from him. Why was it so thin? How on earth does this thing keep me afloat? I poked it. Ew, it feels weird. I want to chuck it. But, I held it at my side, keeping it with me as we trekked down to the beach. Nobody was there. Is this like a private beach or is it just this area close to Pearl’s house that isn’t occupied? Eh, I’m fine with nobody being here, because then I can flap around in the water all I want without any side looks!

Steven went for the water. I stayed on the shore, letting the sand get between my toes after taking my shoes off. 

_It feels like… mud but without the residue..._

“The water's warm, Peridot! Come on!” Steven encouraged me. He stood in the shallows, spraying some sunscreen over himself.

I stayed back however. “I can't! Not without any sort of safety guard to keep me afloat!” I hugged the pool noodle. What if this thing pops and LEAVES ME AT SEA AND I GET TAKEN AWAY-.

“I’ll give you the floaties, and you can keep the pool noodle too!” Steven shook the sunscreen bottle. “It’s your turn to put on sunscreen too!”

“But what about you?!”

“Let’s stick to the shallows then! Right here it’s still on the beach, the tide comes in and it’s okay!”

I was a bit more convinced with that statement. So, I warily took the risk by going to the water. 

_IT’S COLD. WHAT THE HECK. I WAS PROMISED THAT IT WOULD BE WARM!!_

_… Oh. Wait, no, it’s warmer when you get in a little more. Oooooh._

I stood in the shallows with Steven, sticking to the sandbar. I clutched the pool noodle again. 

_So far I’m not drowning…_

_AHA! Take that, ocean!_

I kicked the water, which ended up poorly with me slipping. I went down with a splash, the pool noodle slipping away from my fingers. “I’M DROWNING-!” I panicked.

Steven snickered. WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT ME DROWNING-. “Peridot, you’re okay,” he said. “You’re not drowning.”

_Huh?_

I paused to properly see the situation. He was right, as the water only went up to the top of my foot, but I still felt in danger. I splashed Steven, flaring my nose. “Let’s see how you like it-! Y-AGH!” I wiped my face, having been splashed back by him in retaliation.

I think that I had accidentally started a water fight because it didn’t take long for us to fling saltwater back and forth at each other. I used my pool noodle to scoop more water at him, yet somehow Steven was winning! What is his secret?! I DEMAND to know!

It’s a bit weird that I was actually having… fun, with this activity. I mean, pelting seawater at each other doesn’t sound like an average activity to commit to, but gosh once I was doing it I began to laugh after a while and Steven too! We were making so many waves, splashing, jumping, splashing while jumping, that I thought I was broken because of how much fun I was having!

… I kind of forgot about the sunscreen though.

Um, oops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I apologize if this chapter seems a bit wonky flow wise in a few places- I went over and edited it a lot but I’m still distracted crying and yelling over The Last of Us Part II


	53. Week Eight - Lapis, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis is snapping, pushed on edge by Rose’s death.
> 
> TW/CW: grief, allude of suicidal thoughts, irrational actions and talk involving a weapon/lashing out irrationally

_ First you, mom and dad. _

I picked up the hammer that I had gotten from Pearl’s garage, bringing it down onto the wooden fence.

_ Now Rose. _

I smashed pieces of the planks that had snapped off the fence from my last blow. Once I was satisfied, I tossed the hammer aside, getting fed up. I could destroy as many things as I wanted, yet nothing changed. Frustrated, I knelt down and punched the ground. Defeated, accepting my loss, I turned my head to the sky and screamed. I yelled until my lungs were empty, I screeched until my throat went hoarse.

_ Whoever wants to die next, go ahead while at it! _

I made sure that the sky heard me. I made sure that it  _ knew  _ exactly how much I was suffering.

_ What more do you want from me?! _

Up ahead, there was an old barn sitting alone in the middle of all the dead grass. A silo stood by it. 

_ Thank you, universe. You take my parents, you take Rose, yet you give me a run down barn for my troubles! _

A new rage built inside me. I marched ahead after I retrieved my hammer, seeking more things to destroy inside. I was far from Pearl’s place, driven this distance by sheer ambition to feel something again alone.

Jasper hasn’t been texting me back either. I tried. I would send her endless messages with no avail. I… I  _ missed  _ her. I wanted that feeling of being in somebody’s arms again, I wanted that warmth of just having someone around me, someone who could stand me, someone who added  _ gasoline _ instead of kindled my fire. 

I’m an ocean. I roar, I tumble with the punches, and I always come back stronger than ever when you think that I’ve been too quiet. I’m strong, I’m unable to be stopped once I make my mind up. At least, that’s what I want to think. I like to think that I’m someone that I’m not, I like to escape from my reality, I want to get away from everything I hate both about myself and my life. The only true statement out of the things I wish to be is my stubborn spite. It’s sad.

And this time… I’m finally letting that all go. I’m  _ sick  _ of losing people that I care about. I am SICK of being helpless and unable to do anything. I couldn’t save my parents, I couldn’t save Rose, fuck- I couldn’t even save myself and Steven back in the police car. If it wasn’t for Peridot, we would still be there, maybe in a place far worse by now.

I’m useless. 

What if…

Just…

I don’t want to think about it. But what if Steven is next? What if he passes away too? Gets killed? Kidnapped? Taken? Then what?

_ I’d kill myself then, THAT’s what. He’s the only thing I have left. _

I smashed a wooden crate by the front doors of the barn, going to town with the wood that had been eaten by termites. 

_ Pearl says she died from some kind of heart attack… I don’t believe her.  _

I hit another crate. 

_ But those pills-... could it be they’re tied to it…? I still don’t know what they were for! _

_ Rose, you kept something from me. From US. And you took it with you to your grave. _

I swung until my arms went numb, my lungs bursting with more yelling. I would be too tired, then I’d start over again once I regained my breath. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


I arrived home late. Well, what I consider to be home anyway. The farm is no longer my home. Not with secrets and police stalking it. I forgot all about the dumb hammer, sloppily putting it back in Pearl’s garage.

It was a bit past midnight according to the clock above Pearl’s kitchen. Peridot and Steven must be asleep. Pearl was too, as I saw her on the couch in the living room with a blanket, the television on with mute sound. I wiped my brow, ignoring the pain of my strained muscles in my arms. I sat at the end of the couch, sinking into it. Pearl must’ve been only napping or taking a very light rest, because she woke up and saw me.

“Lapis? Oh, you’re back pretty late. Thank goodness, I was getting nervous-“ she managed to get out before I stopped her.

“Don’t worry about it,” I snarled. “I’m fine.”

“Where were you? Steven was worried, and I was worried if I’d need to call-“

“I said  _ don’t worry about it. _ ” I flashed a pissed off glance. I scratched my shoulders. “... Did you tell him?”

“I-“

“Did you tell  _ him _ ?” I demanded. “Does he know about this?!”

Pearl shook her head slowly. I calmed down a little. “I haven’t told him yet,” Pearl informed me. “I was busy talking to Greg over the phone all day while he and Peridot went to the beach.”

“Well, then what did Greg say?”

Pearl sighed. “He’s in custody. I don’t know much other exact details…”

“Great. Rose is fucking dead, Greg is unavailable-“

“Lapis-“

I shot up from the couch. “I want a gun.”

Pearl seemed to choke on her own words. “A- a WHAT- a GUN? Why on earth-?!”

“So that I can stop being fucking useless, and start being useful. If I have a gun, nobody will fuck with us anymore.” I clenched one hand into a fist, my knuckles white.

“A gun is too extreme. Lapis, you’re grieving-“

“Shut the fuck up, Pearl. You have NO idea what loss is.”

Pearl stared me straight in the eye. I met those same eyes with my own, refusing to back down.

Pearl pointed at me, getting up to her feet as well. “... I’ve lost my own mother to breast cancer, I’ve lost my grandmother to the same thing. On top of that, I’ve had to give up three people I’ve had a crush on, one of which was Rose herself. Greg always knew how to make her happy, and no matter how much I tried, she went for him. She chose  _ him _ , but this isn’t a competition of who lost more.”

“Funny, since you literally just went off on me,” I huffed. “Everyone I care about is going to  _ die _ unless I’m able to do something about it. If I had a gun, I could do something for once instead of being a coward.”

“You’re not a coward-“

“Then I’m weak.”

“Lapis, you are not-“

“I don’t want to be alone!” I shouted, reaching breaking point. My voice cracked. “When everybody dies, I’m going to be left. All I have left is Steven, and what if he gets taken from me too?! Greg probably won’t ever be released. What if they find Steven and  _ take him  _ away from me?!”

“I can promise you, I won’t let that happen-“

“You don’t know that! What if they came in right now, shot me and you, and took him?! Or worse, left me and took him, and took or shot you?!”

“Lapis, that is  _ enough _ -“

“What’s going on?” Steven questioned as he entered the living room. He yawned, rubbing his eye. He was wearing his star pajamas. I swear I could’ve seen someone else behind him for a second.

I casted a sideways look at Pearl. “Tell him,” I ordered. When Pearl didn’t move, I did. I went to the kitchen, my mind a blur as I searched the drawers. I returned with a thin kitchen knife. “TELL. HIM,” I ordered again, louder. I pointed the knife at Pearl. 

_ I want you to feel just as scared as I did when they came for Steven. You need to UNDERSTAND. Maybe then you’ll see why I need a gun- why I need to stop standing by and letting everyone DIE.  _

“Lapis… put the knife down,” Pearl attempted to reason, raising her hands.

“Lapis!” Steven cried out. “What are you doing?!”

“TELL HIM!” I screeched at Pearl. “If you don’t FUCKING TELL HIM-.” My voice was shaking, like my entire body. Yet, I didn’t falter.

_ I am no coward. And I am NO weakling. _

_ NOBODY is ever going to keep me prisoner EVER again. _

Pearl shamefully lowered her head. “Steven,” she began, “there is something you need to know. Something… important.”

“Lapis, please put the knife down,” Steven begged. “You’re scaring me! You’re scaring Pearl!”

I said nothing. I refused to lower the knife. But when something suddenly slapped it out of my hand, I didn’t go after it. I let the knife go. And I had a feeling I know exactly who took it from me.

_ Peridot. There  _ was  _ someone behind Steven when he came out to the living room. _

_ Was I that loud? _

Peridot retrieved the kitchen knife, warily watching me as she took it away out of my reach.

Pearl lowered her hands. My eyes wandered to the ground. I could  _ feel  _ how heavy Steven’s gaze was on me.

_ … I want to know what they must think of me now. _

Oh my god… did I just… seriously threaten Pearl with a knife?

“Go ahead,” I hissed at Pearl, my ambition never leaving me even with the guilt that began to infect me thanks to my brother, “tell him.”

_ But if he knows, if he is told about-.... _

_ Should I let him know? _

It was too late. I wanted to protect him, I had second thoughts, but what was done was done. 

Pearl let it spill to him, he now knew what was going on. “R… Rose is dead,” she struggled to get it out. 

I cringed. I shouldn’t have been so stupid. I shouldn’t have acted so… stupid. But… it still stands- if I cannot protect Steven the next time, then there won’t even  _ be _ a next time. 

_ I need a weapon. Something. Anything.  _

_ I can’t lose you too. _


	54. Week Eight - Steven, Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven and Lapis have a conversation during the afternoon.
> 
> TW/CW; discussion of grief, loss, denial

I’ve never seen my sister like that before. The only time that she was ever that… mean, was when someone took my jacket or called me a name! 

I mean… I know that Lapis loves me, and she’s my older sister so she’s looking out for me. But I was so  _ scared  _ of what I saw last night; Lapis was holding a  _ knife _ , and she was going to hurt Pearl! I didn’t know what to do, and I’m glad that Peridot was able to go check out the arguing in the living room with me and also get the knife from my sister.

My mom… my mom is…

“Hey, how are you doing?” Lapis asked me, sitting down on the bed with me. She put a hand on my back, massaging me lightly.

I frowned. “Is she… really gone?” I watched the window, mostly looking at the gray rain clouds outside in the sky.

Lapis hesitated. “Y-yeah. She is.”

My body felt funny. My chest hurt, and my head felt like it was spinning in circles.

“Pearl says the farm animals are being relocated. They’ll be going to good homes.”

“Even Lion?”

Lapis nodded solemnly. “Yeah. Even… Lion.”

“And Edmond? And Tracer? And…-“

“Yeah. Even… those guys…” 

My eyes felt fuzzy.

Lapis hugged me. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Um… I don’t know honestly,” I replied. 

“That’s okay.” Lapis kept me close, her chin on my head. She sounded kind of… tired? “I’m sorry that you had to see me like that.”

“I thought you were going to hurt her,” I sobbed. “I thought you were going to hurt Pearl.”

“I’m sorry-.”

“Please promise me that you won’t hurt her or Peridot, or anybody else,” I said. “What if you hurt Peridot when she tried to take the knife from you? Why a knife?!”

“If we get taken again, we’d never get out,” Lapis reasoned. “Steven, I’m trying to protect you.” She let go of me.

“By hurting people?”

“If it comes down to it…”

“What would mom say?” 

“Rose is DEAD. All she can say is…” Lapis inhaled slowly, stopping herself. “... she’d…” 

I waited. But my sister couldn’t finish her sentence, and I knew that it’s because we both know that mom would always be positive. She’s always so loving and encouraging, and she loved everybody for who they were! I want to be just like her!

“... Pearl’s really sad too,” I mentioned. “Her pancakes taste a bit less happy.”

Lapis said nothing.

“Mom’s... gone. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her,” I wiped my eyes, tears spilling down my cheeks. “And dad’s gonna be upset too.”

Lapis still said nothing.

“Was this… did you feel like this too when you lost your parents?” I asked my sister.

Lapis nodded. “Yes.”

“It feels so… empty and so… I don’t want to feel like this-“

“We have hospitals, clinics, and medications. Our entire world revolves around stopping pain, because we’re always in it,” Lapis said, deadpan. “I know. It sucks.”

“What are we supposed to do without mom?” I sniffled. “Mom always knew what to do.”

“We… we keep going,” Lapis spoke. “The universe could go at any moment. We could die without saying goodbye to the people we care about, or a last… f-you to the people we hate, but we…. keep… going.” She censored herself for me.

“Why? Why when everything is so sad and upsetting? I’m never going to feel mom hug me again or laugh with dad,” I recalled the memories, bittersweetly missing them. “I want to feel happy again. I want things to be  _ okay _ again!” My voice strained. I felt so horrible! “I want mom!”

“There’s  _ no _ appeal in making everything and everyone happy,” my sister countered, “and when you hear over and over again that things will get better, it becomes... a repetitive recording that loses meaning,” my sister scowled. “Sometimes things are just  _ not _ okay. And that is… that is  _ OKAY _ . I-...” She trailed off, beginning to mutter to herself. “... Listen. Try to find just as much comfort in the bad as much as the good… probably some lessons to learn, wisdom to be taught… all that crap. If everything was perfect, how do you learn?” She stared at me. “… How do you get stronger?” She was tearing up too. “ … How else would you truly live?” It didn’t sound like her, it sounded like she was repeating something she had heard before, repeating it in her own language.

_ It’s like mom. She’s saying some stuff mom might say… she’s trying to be like mom… Or she’s just going through what she went through with her parents. But this time with our mom… _

_ I’m sorry, Lapis. I’m so sorry. _

“So we always have to live in pain?” I murmured, sadly.

My sister was saying something under her breath. It was like she was ignoring me. She seemed… a bit panicky? “Until you master mental discipline, you’ll never be at peace. You must control yourself. You must... take control of your life…” 

_ She’s grieving too. We both miss mom… she’s saying things mom would have said… _

_ Mom… I miss you. I love you. I love you, I love dad, I love Lapis and Pearl… Edmond, Tracer, Lion, Tom, Harley… Amethyst, Peridot, Volley, Blue… _

“I… I miss mom,” I said out loud. 

“I miss Rose too.” Lapis inhaled deeply, then she stood in front of me. “Steven.”

I looked up. I couldn’t help but look at her nose, it’s been healing good and Pearl helped put some antibiotics on it just in case. Seeing it hurts me like as if I can feel her pain too. I don’t like seeing people get hurt. It makes me upset.

Lapis cupped my cheeks. She was trying to comfort me. “I promise, we’ll get through this,” my sister continued. She rubbed my head. “We… keep going.” She was tearing up again. “I’ll protect you.”

“Is dad gonna pick us up? Do we live here-?”

“No, we’ll leave. We’ll… try and find our own place.”

“ _ Leave _ ?!” I was shocked. “Lapis, we can’t-!”

“Once we get our footing, we’ll… go far away. California, maybe. Washington… who knows.”

“Lapis-.”

“You can’t change my mind, Steven. I’m  _ done _ with losing people.” She turned away, beginning to leave the room. “I want you to be safe. And I… can’t risk losing you.”

This was a lot to take in. My sister wanted to hurt Pearl with a knife yesterday, now she wants us to leave one day! But what about Pearl? And dad?! Peridot? We can’t leave her here! 

“Can you tell me where you’re going now?” I peeped. “At least…”

_ I’m scared if she’s gonna hurt someone! _

“I’ll be getting groceries for Pearl. She needs more eggs and pancake mix. I’ll be back. I promise,” my sister said. “I’m not going to leave you.”

“Promise?”

Lapis nodded. “I promise.”

“And… Lapis?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

My sister faintly smiled. “I love you too.”

_ And mom loves you too. Mom and dad both. Remember that. _

_ Mom is… gone. _

_ Mom is… gone. _

_ Mom’s gone… and I didn’t get to say goodbye… _

_ I love you, mom. _

_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I found a semi old Steven sketch aww   
> ... and I also noticed his hair looks kinda like Pink’s-... oh— (:0


	55. Week Eight - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot has a talk with Lapis the day after learning of Rose’s death.
> 
> TW/CW: discussion of grief and loss, light mentions of abuse, drug use, slight sexual content, themes of unhealthy grieving/coping mechanisms, panic attacks  
> It’s another rough chapter oh man

I can’t stop shaking my hands.

_Quiet hands, quiet hands, quiet hands-!_

The snap of a rubber band replayed in my head.

_Quiet hands, quiet hands, QUIET. HANDS. QUIETHANDS, QUIETHANDS-_

My whole body was fidgeting! I couldn’t use my tablet because I couldn’t hold it properly!

I… I GRABBED A KNIFE AWAY FROM LAPIS. I… I actually… did that…!

_I… actually did that…_

_Hooooo-oh-oly shit…_

I twitched, my hands still flapping about madly. 

_Ohhh mom would so have my hands tied if she saw me now._

I tried to stop it- I truly did! It didn’t work!

_I know it was yesterday, but I grabbed a KNIFE FROM LAPIS. I COULD HAVE DIED, YOU STUPUD STUPID CLOD-._

_Rose is dead, I didn’t really know her, but she was the nicest person to me and so is Steven._

_I feel like… I feel like I’ve been cheated. What if Rose was my mom? My life could’ve been… it could’ve… no more quiet hands and no more…-_

“-AH! I’M NOT HIDING FROM MY PROBLEMS, I PROMISE!” I jumped when someone tapped my shoulder. My hands stopped moving, immediately coming to rest at my sides. I spun around, meeting face to face with Lapis. Oh… OH NO DOES SHE HAVE A KNIFE AGAIN WHY IS SHE OUT HERE WITH ME?? LAPIS, DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER KNIFE?? Huh. Why is she here?

See, ever since the bajungle-jingle of a mess that was last night, I’ve been uh… keeping to myself, giving everyone some space. Steven seems pretty upset and I don’t want to bother him, so I’ve been fooling around the place in the meantime keeping myself occupied with my tablet or exploring the perimeter. Pearl and Lapis haven’t been on best emotional terms either, as Pearl is more quiet and Lapis is well, Lapis.

Speaking of, she sat down beside me on Pearl’s back porch- it was my place to hangout outside for now as I played games on my tablet. Oh Farm City… an oldie but a goodie… it would’ve been great if it wasn’t for my hands randomly spasming out like a few seconds ago. I was laying back against the wall. It was late evening, and the sunset was so gorgeous. I mean, just look at that pink!! You could see the beach from here too and it’s so… fascinating. I haven’t been able to get a good look at it until now, honestly. I’m so glad I was able to go to a beach too. It’s so fun!!

“Wh-what is that?” I spotted something that Lapis was holding. It was small and tube-shaped. At least it’s not a knife. So she doesn’t have a knife. Okay, that’s reassuring. No knife. Yay!

“... Nothing,” Lapis shrugged, getting comfortable beside me. 

“That’s something, it smells gross,” I gagged, my tablet in my lap. “Ew! Is that a skunk?!”

“It’s… a cigarette, relax,” Lapis assured me.

“That’s disgusting! It smells _disgusting_!”

“Calm down, dork. It’s not going to kill you.”

“Actually-!”

Lapis set a deadpan glare on me, stopping me from talking any further. I grumbled.

“So. What are you doing out here?” Lapis asked me.

“I’m letting you guys have your space! I don’t deal with these emotional crying, sad and crying stuff,” I defended myself. “I wasn’t close to Rose either, so uh… I thought I’d let you, Pearl, and Steven have some time. PLUS, you had a knife and I-!”

“... Yeah. I did.” Lapis put the cigarette in her mouth for a second. “I’m… sorry, about that.”

“You should be! I was scared, and I thought I was going to pee!” I clutched my tablet close to my chest, coughing a little bit when Lapis exhaled some smoke.

“I said I’m sorry.”

“I was still super scared!” I expressed. “I could’ve died!” My eyes widened.

_Whoa… I could’ve…_

_Oh…_

_What if Lapis… what if she had killed-?!_

“You’re alive, aren’t you?” Lapis questioned.

“Barely! If I didn’t run away, I may be dead by now! Or I could’ve died of starvation, simple malnutrition, or by some wild animal, being found and turned in- I- I don’t really feel alive, like alive _alive_. Does that make any sense? Yeah I’m alive but I'm living in fear!”

Lapis shrugged.

I adjusted my legs so I could sit more comfortably. “... We… um… we’re friends, right? I can still- still talk to you?” I nervously asked, quietly.

“Sure.” Lapis took another drag of her cigarette. It’s so gross…

I took a deep breath. “I… I’m super scared, I’m scared of stuff going on right now. I… don’t want to go back, but I feel like I should. My mom might be missing me-“

“Missing you enough to want to perform surgery on you?”

“I-... I guess-...” I wiped my face with my arm. “I feel so… confused. I- I… I know now that it’s… bad, that how she wants to help me is… bad- I did some research on it yesterday- but… she’s still my mom.” I nestled closer to myself. “She’s all I had.”

_I had no father, no siblings, just me and my mother._

I cleared my throat. “That- uh, that isn’t important though. You and Steven must be sad right now. Are you… ah- okay?” I cleared my throat again. Gosh I’m so bad at talking! Especially confrontation! “Are you okay?”

“... Yeah.” Lapis held her cigarette, heaving a sigh. “It wasn’t easy to get one of these at the store, but… trust me, one of these and I’m good.”

“Are you allowed to have those? They're super stinky,” I wrinkled my nose. “How did you-?”

“You won’t tell Pearl, will you?” Lapis hissed at me.

“Uh-“

Lapis snorted. “I’m fucking with you. I doubt she cares anyway. She had a phase in middle school where she tried cigarettes and alcohol because she wanted to seem cool.” She set the cigarette on the ground, smashing it with her shoe to put it out. “She wanted to seem cool for Rose. Sappy gay shit, huh?”

I blinked. “That sounds like a fanfiction,” I commented.

Lapis laughed again. “You should write it into one.”

“You… know what that is?”

“I watch Camp Pining Hearts, don’t I?” Lapis said. “Percy and Pierre. For the win.”

“Exactly!” I grinned. “Why do people find that concept so hard to grasp?! Their chemistry is superb! To have Paulette in the equation ruins it!”

“Episode four, season three?”

“The closest we will ever have to Pierrcy,” I mourned. I giggled, Lapis joining in.

_She doesn’t seem that scary without a knife._

“I… have a question for you,” Lapis prompted. “It’s going to sound weird, but trust me on this.”

“Um… okay?” I raised a brow. 

“You’ve never been to a party and you’ve never had alcohol, right?”

“Obviously.”

“What do you say to going to a party sometime?”

“WH-“ My tablet almost fell off my lap. “Go to a PARTY?”

“School will be starting back up soon,” Lapis scratched her head. “Kids are going to start coming back here for classes.”

_I almost forgot all about school…_

“What school did you go to?” Lapis asked.

“Ridgeside,” I replied.

“Too rich for my blood,” Lapis bit her lip. “I went to Forrest High.”

“What about Steven?”

“Homeschool, for a few years,” Lapis said. “Most of my friends, they’re transferring to a school here in Beach City. It’s new, and people say it’s better than other public schools.”

“What’s it called?”

“Nothing special. Beach City High.”

“Oh.”

“I’m… hoping, that maybe once everything calms down, I could finish school there. Be with my friends, people I know… Steven could go there too once he’s older.” Lapis nudged my shoulder. “Maybe you can come too.”

“My mom might freak-“

“Peridot, your mom wanted to do surgery on your brain. I don’t think she’s your mom anymore.”

“What other choice do I have? I can’t run away forever!”

“You could stay with us,” Lapis offered. “Here, with me and Steven.”

“At… Pearl’s?”

“Or wherever we want to go,” Lapis corrected. “As long as we’re safe.”

“You're… inviting me?”

“Yeah.” Lapis straightened her posture to look at me more head on. “If you want. You don’t have to, but… you saved us from that police car. I still owe you for that.”

“It was nothing, really, I was just doing what anybody else would do,” I blushed. “That and I ah- didn’t want to be caught by the police either.”

“So you’ll stay with us?”

“M-maybe.”

“... What about with me?” 

It was to my horror that I realized Lapis was moving, and she was moving _towards me._ I freaked out, because the way she moved towards me DEFINITELY was like something in a Percy and Pierre fanfiction. She sat in MY LAP. STARING AT ME. WHAT. THE HECK. “Um…-“

“You could stay with me,” Lapis suggested. Her hands rested on my shoulders for a moment before they began to slide down my sides. I AM FREAKING THE _FUCK_ OUT. WHAT THE HECK WHAT THE HECK WHAT THE HECK-

“... Are you trying to... mate with me?” I blurted, uncomfortable and beyond perplexed.

“What? Not into girls?” Lapis said.

“No-! I don’t-! I don’t know! What are you doing?!”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Getting intimate and physically sexual!”

“You’re pretty smart.”

“Lapis-“ I pushed her off of me, my heart racing. “I… no, I don’t- I don’t like that.”

“Afraid?” Lapis challenged, sitting up after she was shoved off of me.

“I’m not afraid! Just… uncomfortable!” I stood up, holding my tablet. 

“You’re a virgin. That’s fine. I can-“

“ _LAPIS. I am UNCOMFORTABLE_ ,” my voice cracked as I spoke clearly. My body was shaking again. “I don’t… like that!”

“Don’t like that? Or don’t like _me_ ?” Lapis began to sound _harsh._ She stood up to see me eye to eye.

“No, I like you! You and Steven are my bestest friends!” I assured her.

“Friends with benefits exist.”

I was fuming. Why didn’t she GET it? Why didn’t she understand?! Why is she so… DENSE?? I let out a frustrated groan, stomping my foot. “I DON’T WANT WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO TO ME! I don’t know what you do or what you text according to the one time you sent me a lewd, exposing photo, but I’m not-! I don’t want to have sex or anything like that!”

Lapis rolled her eyes. “Fine.” She brushed off her hands, disappointed.

“You’re not- you’re not mad, right?!” I panicked.

“Sure.”

“You’re mad at me, aren’t you.”

“No, I get it. You have autism or whatever, of course you’re not like other people.”

_Other… people?_

“What do you… mean?” I managed to get out.

“What do you think?” Lapis scoffed.

I choked on the saliva in my mouth. 

_Would other people have said yes? Am I not… normal for saying no? I don’t know Lapis like that! I don’t want her touching me like that! I know what happens in those fanfictions, and I don’t want it in person! Why does Lapis want me to even-?!_

“... We’re still friends, right?” I trembled. I backed up some. “Lapis?” Why wasn’t she responding now?! I… _exploded_ with emotion, scared and angry at her. “You’re blocking me out for a very stupid reason, CLOD! I don’t want sex! Okay, great! Stop, stop… STOP reminding me about the things I hate about myself! I’m autistic! I’m born broken, I’m never gonna please my mother, I ran away and I’m due for surgery! I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!” I shouted at her. “You’re right. You… were right about me being in denial. I- I couldn’t believe it, even when it was true! Look at yourself! Isn’t that what you’re doing now? Doing… stuff like this to avoid Rose’s-“

“Don’t you ever say her name,” Lapis ordered.

But, I didn’t roll over this time. This energy that I’m feeling, it’s boosting me and making me feel _vicious_. “ROSE. HER NAME IS ROSE.”

“STOP,” Lapis ordered again.

I did not. “ROSE IS DEAD-.”

“ENOUGH!” We both looked to see who it was that had intervened in our conversation, no other than Pearl herself. She had burst open the door, my guess drawn by the volume of our words.

I’m… kind of glad she’s out here now. I’m not good with confrontation. I’m not good with confrontation. I’m not-.

“Both of you! Please!” Pearl frowned, standing between us. “I understand what’s going on right now, but this isn’t going to help anything.” She held their door open for us, gesturing to come inside. “Come inside before the bugs come out.”

I was frozen.

“No,” Lapis tried to argue.

“Lapis, I’m not in the mood for this,” Pearl hushed her. “We _all_ are experiencing a rough time. Come inside, and have some tea. Talk to me if you need to.”

“She tried to mate with me,” I blurted.

“What?” Pearl said, stunned.

“Oh my god, don’t bring her into this,” Lapis spat.

“I don’t drink tea, but I’m going inside, I- I’m done,” I threw my hands up, tablet in my right hand. I headed on in, tired of the direct talk. My stomach felt sick. My mind was spinning. My vision was blurry.

_“Peridot?”_

I can’t breathe. I can’t stand-... I’m falling, I’m falling-! 

My legs were shaking so much, it didn’t take long for me to fall to the floor once inside the house, fighting back the reflex to vomit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’m low key curious now what do y’all think of Lapis


	56. Week Eight - Pearl, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl calms down Lapis and Peridot’s argument, and also reflects back on her life as she tends to fainted Peridot.

_ “Him? You’re asking him to prom?” I peeked over at the boy across the hall. _

_ “Isn’t he lovely?” Rose smiled. “I’d ask him, but I’m too shy. He’s so adorable. Isn’t he?” _

_ I frowned, the roses behind my back pitying me as realization flooded over me. _

_ Rose would choose someone, and she would surely one day marry, as she’s always been a huge fan of romance. But, it wouldn’t be me that would be at her side, no, it would not. We weren’t meant to be. We weren’t destined to be. Rose had her eye on another, and he would take her heart, a place beside her, and her hand at her wedding. _

_ “... He is,” I agreed, to make her happy. Greg Universe, a boy who had high interest in music, would be the one to become her lifelong partner.  _

_ And I would not. _

_ That was how it was, and always would be. I’d watch her have children, I’d visit her from time to time to see how she was doing. I’d babysit her animals when she went on vacation, and I’d babysit her children if needed. _

_ Now, I must be diligent, responsible on another level. Although she is gone, her son is not.  _

_ I was never Rose’s chosen. I was never her destiny. I wasn’t the one. But she trusted me, and thus she left me with the biggest secret of all. _

_ My lips have been sealed for years. _

“Here, how is she doing?” I asked Lapis, ensuring Peridot stayed on her back on the couch. I had fetched a small pillow to elevate her legs a little bit, wanting to lift her legs above heart level to encourage blood flow.

“She’s being dramatic.” Lapis said.

“She  _ fainted _ ,” I explained. “Do you know if she’s diabetic?”

“All I know is something about autism,” Lapis replied. 

“Why were you two fighting? You’re lucky that Steven went to bed early.”

Lapis groaned. 

“And why was Peridot saying things like-?” 

“I tried to…” Lapis murmured. “... Okay. I tried to… sleep, with her.”

“You- what?” I echoed, shocked.

“It’s not a big deal.”

“It  _ is _ so a big deal!” I corrected, in disbelief. “Lapis, what were you  _ thinking _ ?”

“It’s nothing. I was being dumb.”

“First, consent is a  _ big  _ part of intimate acts-“

“I know.”

“Second, you’re both minors, and I’m  _ positive  _ that both of you have not the slightest idea of how to properly-“

“Pearl. I know.”

“I am trying to  _ help _ you, Lapis. What you tried to do, and especially if Peridot wasn’t onboard with it, is not okay behavior.”

Lapis went to stand by the kitchen counter, leaning against it. “I’m going to be eighteen soon. Once I am, I’ll get out of your hair.”

“You’ll be eighteen, yes, but your behavior sure doesn’t seem like you will be,” I sassed. “I know how hard it is with what’s going on.”

“Do you?” Lapis gritted her teeth.

“I do! I’m mourning, and I’m also just as drained as you are,” I said. “But using destructive mechanisms to cope with your grief will not get you anywhere.”

“Destructive… whatever.” Lapis left the kitchen, heading down the hall. “I’m going to shower. Probably cry and masturbate in there too.”

“Lapis!” I attempted to call after her with no avail. “Don’t use that kind of crude language-!”

_ That girl is so stubborn! I have no idea how Rose managed with her, I understand that she’s upset, but like this?! And such a vulgar mouth she could have! She doesn’t care at all what others think of her, she speaks as she pleases, brutally honest! A strong, but also risky personality. I hope that Steven doesn’t pick up on her quirks. _

I sighed. None of us have been taking the news of Rose’s passing well. I’ve been able to keep most of my mourning within, but it’s when I’m at my lowest or just before falling asleep that I find myself engulfed in darkness. 

Until Greg is able to be released, I’ve vowed myself responsible for Rose’s children, and also Peridot. I’ve never trusted myself as much of a motherly figure, but I am doing what I can to provide a stable home, a healthy support system, food at timely preparations with plenty of nutrition and enrichment, as well as a place to sleep. Things that are basic necessities children require, things that Rose may have done. I’d like to try and keep as much as I can in familiar territory, to help them move in more smoothly and get through their current situation.

_ I remember back in college how Garnet and I shared a dorm… Very stoic, but always had good advice. I also remember Amethyst, who was much like Lapis at Rose’s therapy sessions, but without the flour so you put it. She’s more feisty, upbeat, and quicker to find joy in life. _

_ Lapis is… a hormonal teenager. On top of that, I know that she’s lost her former parents. It must be difficult for her to process another grievance. _

I returned to tending to Peridot, watching her breathing and standing by in case I’d need to call an ambulance. I know how to deal with most health related incidents, and fainting is no trouble for me. As long as she can breathe, as long as she doesn’t start jerking about, she should be fine and recover soon. It must’ve been a spike in anxiety or some kind of panic attack that caused her blood pressure to drop this low...

_ Rose, I want to tell them. I want to tell Steven and Lapis everything. But, I have sworn to you that I would never come forward about the past. Back in high school, you weren’t called Rose, the chosen name that you took to your grave. I remember our days laughing over silly movies, getting excited about Star Trek, taking photos in a photo booth whenever you’d escape from your window to hang out with me across the street. I remember before your surgery, how you’d tell me daydreams of escaping your life and making your own. You’ve succeeded, Rose. You’ve done it. I’m so proud of you. _

_ I worry, however, about the Diamonds, if they would find us and it’d become like the life we feared before. Back when you were destined for power, before you strayed far in order to make your own mark.  _

_ These children need to know the truth- a truth that I cannot tell. _

_ I am so sorry, Steven, Lapis. Please forgive me. Perhaps one day you will find out, or one day I will be able to tell you the truth. _

I spent the rest of my night primarily awake, keeping an eye on Peridot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Me, ever so slowly piecing stuff in the story together but impatiently waiting for when I can go all out with it: 👁👄👁


	57. Week Eight - Lapis, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis continues to try and get a reply from Jasper, still not taking recent events well.
> 
> • Heavy TW for suicidal themes •  
> TW/CW: themes of depression, grief, unhealthy coping mechanisms, suicidal thoughts/themes

I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable as my eyes remained glued to my phone. All night I had been waiting, longing, reminiscing with no satisfaction. Nobody answered me, and nobody cared.

I chose to sleep in Peridot’s empty room last night- rather more like stay in it since I didn’t sleep at all, not wanting to bother Steven with the light of my phone screen. My phone remained on the charger, as I did not wanting to miss out in case someone did text me at last. I debated about sending a text to an old headache, but ultimately decided against it. I need to move on. I can’t go back to an asshole just because I’m… lonely, and missing someone hugging me and just simply being there. But if they weren’t responding, then what else am I to do?

The sad thing is I’ve done so much horrible stuff. And the fact that people I’ve affected while doing horrible things could’ve had a better life if I never decided to get involved with them or drag them down with me leaves me this feeling of guilt. Constantly. Imagine if I never existed. Imagine if I was gone. These people… they could’ve had a better life. But I just had to come in and ruin it.

Is it a pity party? Am I gaslighting or manipulating? I do not know. But that is how I genuinely feel. And nobody understands the losses I have endured to become who I am today; a self-centered, irritable, bitch with a weakness of being reminded of their past, quick to anger, quick to jump on and latch onto anything that could make me _forget_ even just for a second. Weed, alcohol, I don’t know, sex?

I’d tell you, if it wasn’t for Steven, I would’ve already found someplace to quietly die in. This entire world is my grave, and I sure am taking a long walk over it.

_What would Rose think of me? Mom? Dad?_

They’d say I’m a liability, a fire waiting to happen. They’d take Steven away from me, and they’d be right in doing so, not wanting him corrupted into a thing similar to the thing I've become. Even if I’m afraid to lose him, they’d take him, and I would let them.

It isn’t the first time I’ve become like this, though. I remember about three years ago, when Steven was ten and I was fifteen, I committed something… horrible. Something I want to forget. And I am so sorry that Steven had to be near me, even if he did not see me.

_“Lapis! Hey, Lapis!”_

_The knocks on the door continued to sound, but I remained put. My eyes were seeing blurry lights above me, and my body was heavy. Nobody knew what I was doing, or how long I’d be in the bathroom._

_I could feel… light, with each passing second my head remained underwater. It was a_ sick _and_ twisted _view of death. It was disgustingly romanticized to me in that time, dangerously alluring. I want to vomit now everytime I think of it. It was beautiful, only because I twisted reality enough to believe that it was. I had convinced myself in that moment that I’d rather shake the hand with a reaper instead of find something to fight for, something to keep going for. I had been blind, I had been lost, hopeless, a baby without its mother to wean off of._

_Before I could drown, my head shot up from the bath water. I breathed heavily, regaining oxygen, and my hair lay in soaking wet strands over my face. A second longer and I could’ve drowned. I could’ve had it all over with._

_But I couldn’t just… leave Steven here to suffer alone. “Lapis!” He called again, knocking on the door. “How much longer are you going to be in there?”_

_My voice was hoarse. My body was nauseous. “N-not much longer!” I forced myself to reply, wringing out my hair._

_“Okay! Because I wanna take a shower before bed!”_

_I said nothing. I covered my face, shamefully._

_How could I just… try and do that? What the hell was I thinking?_

I’ve never told anybody about the incident. Not even Rose or Steven. If I stay here… 

_What if I’m only dragging everyone down?_

That pathetic event I call my first suicide attempt at fifteen was my toe dip into darker waters. Since then, I vowed I’d become better for Steven, I’d do my best to change for him. Ironic, as I’ve only changed for the worst too in this time. Since then, I turned to less horrific acts to deal with my grief. It’s why I tend to want to drink or smoke, or try and get into bed with someone, because I want to stay alive, but never be conscious. I want to live, but not like this, not like this… I want to go unscathed, unharmed, untouchable. But we all know that I am no god, no saint, no guts or glory. I’m human, and I naturally by default am pathetic.

I get flashbacks, memories of my life that I wish weren’t true. I used to wake up screaming from nightmares I could never quench. If there was a redo button, I’d press it. However… that would mean I would never have met Steven, my little brother.

Would I throw it all away for my own sake? Or would I keep suffering for his sake?

I… I know that my trauma will never be resolved. It’s going to stay with me. It’s a part of me.… But it’s my choice if I either stand up and start learning to cope with it, or let it destroy me.

So far, it’s destroying me. And that is what gets me.

I ran a hand through my hair, able to catch the sweet scent of Pearl’s morning breakfast being made. Her food always made me hungry when I wasn’t. My mouth watered, despite the fact that I’m questioning what the hell I am doing here in a world that seeks to destroy all the pretty little flowers that bloom in good nature. She sees a daffodil and picks it, sentencing it to death as the rest of the bush cries out for mercy.

This is the natural way of life, how it would be and always be. Yet I’m still in denial.

I stood up, mentally preparing myself to change into some clean clothes for once so that I’d stop feeling like a dirty bag of rags. That was when my phone dinged with an incoming notification.

It was Jasper.

I wanted to cry. I stifled a shaky breath, hurriedly collecting my phone off the bed.

_Jasper… god, I’ve missed you._

I missed her hair and her arms, her eyes and even how she smelled. I missed that hold we would lock ourselves in, comforting each other under shaming stars. Even when we fought or got physical, I missed her. She was my sinful pleasure. 

**9:02 AM**

**From: JASPER**

**Where are u?**

Are you fucking serious? Not even a question asking how I was doing, explanation as to why she stopped responding to me- anything?!

I was upset. I texted her back.

**9:03 AM**

**To: JASPER**

**None of your business. Why didn’t you text me sooner?**

**Why did you go silent on me, horseshit?**

I wanted to throw my phone at a window, luckily deciding against it as it’d mean I’d have no more phone.

I frowned when I received a phone all request, from no other than Jasper herself. What did she want? Was she going to EXPLAIN why she was ignoring me?!

I picked up. “Wow! You’re finally getting back in touch with me!” I sarcastically began.

“Lapis, can you not right now?” Jasper sighed on the other end.

“Why NOW are you contacting me? Do you have any idea how long you ignored me-?”

“Lapis-.”

“What, Jasper?! What do you need to say to me?!”

“Where are you?”

“Jesus- why does it matter?” I asked. 

“This is serious, listen to me. Where are you? Are you still in the state?”

“... No. I’m in Beach City.”

I heard Jasper move on the other end. As well as something else.

_Someone is talking to her?_

_Wait a minute…_

“Who’s with you?” I questioned.

“If you’re still with that person who had the license plate XDT-6878, you need to get as far away as you-“ her line began to break up, crowded by sounds I could only guess was someone trying to get at her or cut off the phone call, “- cameras at the mote- my mother works- Diamonds-“

“Jasper?!” I frantically paced the room, unable to settle down. “Jasper?”

The other end of the phone line got cut off. Someone ended the call.

_What on earth…_

_That was Pearl’s license plate that she named, right?_

_Cameras at the…_

_Oh no._

_No._

_Nonono-,.._

I dropped my phone, immediately going to find Steven. We had to leave. _Now._

_Jasper’s mother is a woman named Holly, who works for a group of businesswomen in Empire State called the Diamonds. What does her mother have anything to do with-...?_

_Are the Diamonds the ones that sent the cops to our house?_

_We have to leave._


	58. Week Eight - Jasper, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper decides to join the chase.
> 
> \- Short chapter -  
> CW; hints of homophobia

“Satisfied?” I hissed, pulling away from my disgruntled mother. She arrived to pull me out of summer camp early, which I’m not complaining about. That place was a horrid annoyance anyway.

“Very,” Holly turned away, taking my phone. “Thank you, runt.”

Always ‘runt’, always ‘weak’, never my name. Always ‘thing’, always ‘disgrace’, never my name.

“What about Lapis?” I huffed. “What’s she got to do with anything?”

“She’s Rose’s daughter, isn’t she?” My mother said.

“Not biologically,” I replied.

“No matter.”

I stood up, cracking a knuckle. “Give me my phone back.”

“I will hold onto it for a while. In the meantime, you can catch up with your sister.” My mother walked away, taking my belonging with her.

I balled my hand into a fist. 

_They will find her._

My mother took me out early just to get the location of my girlfriend, which is the exact reason why I am nothing to her. She took my phone, made me get Lapis’ location, and then left me once I no longer was of use. She works for the Diamonds, which I find to be a valid excuse, but what do they want with Lapis? 

_Peony was the kindest to me. She was like the second mother I never had. She encouraged me, inspired me. I’ve heard stories of her. I’ve only met her once when I was very young, but I’ve never forgotten. I owe her my loyalty, and if I ever find who killed her, I will avenge her._

_They say that Rose did it, or so the rumors say that my mother mentioned. If that’s the case… My own girlfriend is adopted to the murderer of Peony. Her brother is the direct bloodline._

_I want to avenge her myself. I’m not going to waste this opportunity._

_Lapis isn’t involved in this, but her brother sure is._

_I might as well get two birds with one stone. I WILL avenge Peony. Rose may be dead like my mother said, but I still have her living bloodline I can turn to._

_I will destroy every. Last. One._

_I will take Lapis away from that awful family, I’ll give her one that is better._

I eyed the car keys on the key rack. I haven’t driven in a while thanks to the stupid camp, but I must do what I must. I grabbed the keys, then headed toward the front door. My mother was busy with whatever she was doing. She wouldn’t mind if the daughter she despised went missing. My father is always busy with work, he’d never notice either, as he also praises my mother in shaming me.

“Hey! Hey, where are you going?” My younger sister stopped me after she rushed down the stairs. “Back to summer camp?” She too is called ‘runt’, but never anything as bad as what I’ve heard. She is the lucky one.

“I have business to take care of,” I corrected, opening the door. “Stay out of this.”

“Come on, sis, at least take me with you! You shouldn’t go alone anywhere,” Amethyst persuaded. 

I said nothing back to her, declining her request. Our mother won’t ask where I’m at, at best she will assume that I’ve driven into a ditch. So I exited the house, with only one thing on my mind- I will find where Lapis is using the information my mother has so gratefully, unknowingly, given me, and I will destroy what remains of Rose. I will topple any building, defeat anybody who gets in my way, nothing can stop me. I keep going until I get what I want. And what I want, is justice for the only woman who had believed in me, who told me that I was extraordinary, who showed me kindness when my own parents did not. I had never forgotten her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // me, trying to get as much chapters I can out before Artfight begins


	59. Week Eight - Peridot, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot discusses her worries with Pearl after recovering from last night. 
> 
> CW/TW; light mentions of past abuse, mental distress

Ugh I’m so lightheaded. Holy crap, I’m so shaky-...

“Careful, careful, not too fast,” someone gently urged me back down onto the couch, denying me of sitting up. What gives?! Is that Pearl? That is Pearl!

“Wha-“ I rubbed my eyes. Geez, where am I?! What happened?!

“You fainted last night. You’ve been out for a while,” Pearl explained to me.

_Fainted? Ahaha, okay, that’s funny. That’s hilarious! I don’t faint, I don’t!_

I tried to sit up again. I could smell pancakes, or the faint smell of it anyway. It’s becoming a normal thing for me here. Pearl and her pancakes, her delicious, fluffy, syrup pancakes with blueberries and bananas, chocolate chips…-

“Peridot, I mean it when I say not too fast. You’ll risk fainting again,” Pearl said. She felt my forehead, and I winced even when there was no pain to register. “How are you feeling?”

“Uh… Confused,” I shook my head to get her hand off me. “I didn’t faint! I never faint!”

“Until last night, that is,” Pearl commented. “I’m guessing that it has something to do with Lapis, assuming anyways from what we talked about before she left the conversation.”

_… Oh._

_Oh gosh…_

_Yeah, I remember Lapis… and she tried… but I…-_

My throat felt thick. Like as if something was clogged in it? I mean, that’s the best way I can describe the feeling. My eyes feel weird. Oh ew am I crying?! Ew! Gross! 

“Are you hungry? Thirsty?” Pearl asked me.

“I… I’m…” I was… _sobbing?_ Am I crying? Why am I crying? Ew, ew!

_I’m... broken._

_I didn’t want to do something intimate, and I… I’m broken. Am I? I must be- Lapis said that normal people would’ve…-_

_I need a lobotomy, I need a lobotomy, I need a-!_

“Peridot? Here, hang on.” Pearl was trying to help me, I think. I don’t know, I could hardly pay attention right now. My vision is super blurry and my breathing accelerated. Am I dying?! All of Pearl’s words sound like they’re background noise. All I could focus on was the loud sound of my own breathing.

_I’m dying, I’m dying I’m dying-_

Pearl helped me slowly sit up. I was trying to hide my tears with no avail. I was… crying! What’s happening? I froze when I felt something warm and fluffy against my face, gradually calming down as said thing rubbed against me. Oh god what is that?! It’s gray and its got blue eyes. I think?

“Renegade! Come on, down,” Pearl reached over to pick up the cat that had jumped up on the couch, but I moved first. I hugged the feline, surprising Pearl and myself.

“I-I love this cat.” I sadly whined, keeping the cat close to me. I could’ve been scratched or denied by this animal, but it chose not to and for that I am forever grateful. Instead, it meowed, and continued rubbing my face, which is a better outcome than being scratched to death. “I love… I like this cat.” I was still sobbing, but my body’s tense stature relaxed. Not a chicken but I love it anyway. If it did scratch me I would’ve screamed into another dimension. I don’t even know why I hugged it, it just felt right?

“Well… as long as you still have both your eyes and no claw marks,” Pearl stated, letting me have her cat. “They're all outdoor cats, yet this one always prefers coming inside more than the others. She’s the nicest out of the bunch too, you’re lucky.”

“I love her so much.” I was babbling absolute nonsense after I spoke, in awe of the cat. I don’t know why I like stuff such as poultry and felines so much, maybe it’s the feathers and fur? I would love to have a dog too, except chihuahuas they’re the WORST.

“Are you okay? You don’t feel nauseous, do you?” Pearl asked me.

I shook my head. “I love this cat…”

“I think you’ve made that clear,” Pearl lightly laughed. “Be nice, Renegade.”

The cat meowed. I let her go, and she rubbed against me some more. “Is she going to- to explode?” I stammered, the pet purring loudly.

“Nonsense, she’s just happy,” Pearl said. “Oh- she’s drooling too. Definitely a happy cat.”

I feel… less panicky. I’m kind of settled down now. I pet the cat, watching as she twirled around to let my hand roll over her back and head. Something about petting an animal is so… so calming…

“Do you need to talk?” Pearl offered. “Anything about last night, or anything in general? I know that you aren’t a Universe, but you’re a friend of the family and one of Rose’s clients, so I’d like to keep that welcome vibe available to you even here.”

I shook my head. I hummed under my breath. This cat is so soft and nice to me… I like cats. I think I can like them just as much as I like chickens.

“And you don’t need anything to eat right now? Anything to drink?” Pearl suggested.

I shook my head.

“Alright. Well, if you need anything, don’t be afraid to holler. I’m going to keep an eye on you for a bit just in case you faint again and need more serious attention.” Pearl gave Renegade a pat on the head, then turned to leave.

“M- my- wait,” I finally got out of my system. My mouth was like glue, it was hard to talk! “Uhm-...”

_No, don’t bother her. She won’t know anything about it! I need to do my own research!_

“Tablet- my- tabletistic-“ Why is it so hard to get out what I’m trying to say?! It’s in my head, I know what I want to say so why is my mouth being so uncooperative with me?! “Any… anything?”

Pearl seemed dumbfounded- I don’t blame her really. Yeah I know I sound like a clod, I don’t know what is coming out of my mouth either. “Yes, you can talk to me about anything,” Pearl assured. 

Why is my arm being weird now too? It’s like… moving on it’s own? Jerking? What the… stop it! Stop it, you silly arm! I held it down, waiting a moment before I tried to talk again. Renegade rubbed against my arm. I talked quickly, wanting to get it out before I mixed up words together again. “Um… say that someone has tried to mate with you. But, you didn’t want to and- are you normal? For not… wanting to… where’s my tablet?” I can talk more fluidly now, thank gosh. It took a while to do that! My eyes are watering still, but no matter.

“Your tablet’s on the counter, where it won’t get damaged,” Pearl informed me. “As for your other question, Lapis told me a little bit about last night and it’s completely alright to have rejected her. To be frank, I’m worried about her. Her mental state right now doesn’t seem stable.”

“She wanted to have intercourse with me,” I went on, melancholy.

“And you’re okay by telling her no. You don’t have to experience something intimate if you don’t want to.” Pearl sat down at the other end of the couch, hands in her lap.

“But what if… she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?” 

“If a friendship relies on if you’re willing to sleep with someone, that’s a horrible friendship to begin with.” Pearl advised. “Never do anything that you feel forced into. Especially something such as what Lapis tried to initiate. She can be reckless, which is why I asked Bismuth to watch her specifically when Lapis asked if she and Steven could go visit her.”

“Bismuth?” I made a face. “Who?”

“She’s… an old friend of mine,” Pearl blushed. “We knew each other in middle school, and we saw each other again in college. She knows Rose a bit like I do, and sometimes she’ll come visit me to drop off baked goods. Lapis and Steven seem to be alright with her. Surprising, though, how Lapis wanted to visit her. They wanted to spend the night over there, so I called and Lapis and Steven got picked up a while ago.”

“So I’m… here? Alone?” I peeped.

“Precisely. If you want, however, I can ask Bismu-“

“Nonononono- I’m good I’m good,” I shook my head. I want some time away from Lapis for a bit. “I’m just…” the tears were coming back again. My hand froze up while I was petting the cat. “I’m… confused, and I’m… I feel like I’m a burden.” I feel like I can trust talking to Pearl, who makes such awesome pancakes, and she hasn’t judged me yet so-! What’s my chances? What is there to risk or lose? I was judgy at first, yeah, but Pearl seems to in a way be like Rose! Plus I don’t know who else I can talk to!! I’m alone! I’m scared! I’m… lost. I don’t have many options here. “My mother- she said I have autism. She wants to help me get rid of it…”

“Get rid of it? What do you mean, you mean get rid of autism?” Pearl said.

I nodded. I like nodding and shaking my head. It’s so nice to communicate without actual words when I feel like this! Like this… this sad, overwhelmed… I think I’m stressed? I bounced my leg.

“You don’t just ‘get rid’ of autism, it’s not like a scab, you know,” Pearl told me.

“What is autism?” I questioned. I’ve done some research on it before, but I still haven’t grasped the concept strongly enough. Maybe Pearl knows this topic better than I do? “Is it a disease?”

“No, it’s a neurological disability, it’s how you’re wired, to put it blunt,” Pearl started, “It means that you have some higher sensitivities, and or stronger attention spans in certain areas that appeal to you, you pick up on information much quicker when it's a topic of interest.”

“Then… why does my mom want me to get rid of it? It sounds like a benefit.”

“Most people don’t understand it. They’re afraid of things that they’ll never understand unless they too have it. They only see the negative aspects, which are categorized accordingly by what society deems as passable normal or weird. Others are misinformed, and many people just simply aren’t informed.” Pearl watched as Renegade sat down between us, purring constantly. “I was supposed to get seen for a possible diagnosis back in my highschool years. But, my parents ended up never making the appointment. They believed I had Asperger’s, which is a term that is debated about back and forth today due to the roots of that term.”

“Roots?” Pearl was supposed to get seen for autism? That was… interesting to me.

“Mhm, Asperger’s is classified as a mild autism. Which, was coined by Hans Asperger, involved with Nazism and the assistance of Nazi euthanasia on children. It isn’t a happy history, if I had to be honest.”

“So it’s like a… mild or severe kind of thing?”

“Not at all. Autism is a spectrum, think of it as like a circle, and the slices cut in it represent different fields such as motor skills, and social skills for example. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, it’s not a bar with one end saying mild and the other end saying severe. No, that’s how most categorize autistic individuals and invalidate their struggles if society’s standards labels them as high functioning.”

I was impressed. Pearl was like a walking dictionary! “How do you know this stuff?”

“Research, for the most part,” Pearl said. She tipped her head, letting out a sigh. “Rose helped me understand some things too.” 

_So I’m just… born different? Is that it?_

“You can’t… demolish it?” I asked.

“Not at all. But you can learn to cope with it and find ways to make your life more easier for yourself such as using earbuds in loud places.” Pearl gave me a smile. “Is that all you wanted to know?”

I nodded. “Hm… yes. I see now… thank you.” I didn’t feel so upset nor was I crying anymore, I felt calm with the help of Renegade.

_Renegade, renegade, bada ha living like renegades… ohhh she’s such a cute cat. Cute. That word! Yow, it’s got me!_

“Anytime,” Pearl arose from the couch. “I know that you said you aren’t hungry, but I’ll get you a banana just in case. And I appreciate you telling me that you’re autistic, it’ll help me understand for future reference.”

_Autistic…_

_I… I’m autistic._

I blankly stared, zoning out a teeny bit. Pearl didn’t say I needed lobotomy, nor did she say that I needed fixing! She said that I was… normal? Well, not normal, but…

_I’m… autistic._

That felt good to say to myself? For some reason…-?

_I’m autistic._

I began to hug Pearl’s cat again, lightly, liking how soft the cat was and how she rubbed my face. It was like she was comforting me, like my new best friend!

_To refer to myself with first person descriptions such as I’m autistic instead of I have autism, it feels… powerful. I feel… for once, I understand myself._

_Maybe… maybe my mom was wrong about me._

_Maybe Lapis was wrong about me._

_I’m Peridot, and I’m autistic. I'm not a disease, and I’m not infected! Was I born this way? Have I always been… me?_

_… I am me._

_This… is me._

For the first time in my life, I felt… warm. I felt welcome and heard out, I felt… accepted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I based Peridot’s mental distress episodes kinda off mine so that way I have a more in depth understanding of how they work- which includes animals being a key in calming down. In fact, animals such as cats, horses, and dogs are said to help autistic individuals, as animals provide a calming aura, don’t judge, and don't require societal “norms” of interaction for conversation such as eye contact. In fact, some dogs are also trained to help ground people when they’re having a meltdown or overload, and petting an animal can help calm down or comfort an autistic individual experiencing sensory overload.


	60. Week Nine - Lapis, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bismuth treats Lapis and Steven to dinner, and Lapis has thoughts about her life.

“Pearl’s been giving you the cozy treatment, huh?” Bismuth laughed. We settled down at the booth, the seaside diner light on rush hour. I’ve forgotten how much I love calm settings like these, with a view of the beach and the smell of good food, twinkling stars hatching just outside in the darkening sky as seagulls played hide and seek.

“Can we go to the boardwalk tomorrow?” Steven asked. “I promised I’d go with Connie before, but… then all this stuff happened…” he frowned, holding himself. 

_ I’ve forgotten that the summer boardwalk was here. Rose took us before, back before school was back in session. We were supposed to go again this year and then... _

I winced, my heart in pain. I nestled closer to Steven, providing him a shoulder to lean on as we waited for a waiter to show and take our orders. “You’re okay,” I murmured to him. 

“I wish everything was normal again,” Steven mourned. “And that mom’s still here.”

“Well, you’d have to ask Pearl about staying another night, but if she says yes, I can take you tomorrow,” Bismuth promised. She noticed Steven, growing concerned. “Hey lion-man, it’ll be fine. I heard about what’s going on and I’m… genuinely sorry. It must be tough losing your mom.”

“Bismuth,” I narrowed my eyes at her. 

“I  _ am _ sorry,” Bismuth defended herself. She ran a hand through her dreadlocks. 

“I know. But just… let him grieve.” I rubbed Steven’s back, providing comfort and assurance where I can. 

_ I know what it’s like to be there. _

_ I do… _

I wish that I hadn’t… been so stupid now. I shouldn’t have acted so ballistic. And a bit… insane. I threatened Pearl with a knife just because I didn’t want to be the one to tell Steven about Rose. It’s… stupid. So stupid…

I didn’t want to get started on Peridot either. Thinking back on it… I was dumb. I mean, what the  _ fuck  _ was I thinking? God… god, it just… I have an addiction with things and I can’t control myself. I haven’t been able to stop feeling so in pain for years, no matter how much support I’ve gotten. And of them all, Rose was my biggest support. When I didn’t have her, I had some others, who for the most part left me behind, or I no longer have contact with them right now with what’s going on.

_ “Jasper, someone’s going to-“ _

_ “Relax. Nobody comes down this trail for miles,” Jasper scoffed. She leaned over me against the tree, shading me from the blazing hot sun. _

_ “Really? And how do you know that?” I challenged, standing tall as I faced her. I used to be so shy before I met her. I used to always be cautious of getting in trouble. _

_ “Because this trail is where I come to get away from everybody,” Jasper shrugged.  _

_ “Aww, camera shy?”  _

_ “Tch. You’re such a brat.” Jasper turned her head, only for me to reach out and move her head to face me again.  _

_ “Ah, eyes on me,” I teased, snorting with laughter at seeing her confused facial expression. “As long as you say so… it’s fine.” I pulled her in a bit closer, kissing her on the cheek, my hand never leaving her chin. She was the reason why I slowly grew unafraid over time to act more brash. I learned to grow numb from things that used to scare me. Jasper taught me ferocity, and also warmth. She taught me that I should never simply lie down and roll over. She taught me to fight back. _

I just… I don't want to suffer anymore. That’s all I ask. Kind of hard when the world keeps flipping you off and taking people left and right. I clenched my hands, my emotions numbing up.

_ Never again will I have something like that. Where someone was there for me, where I felt… like I belonged, even if it could be fake. It was an outlet for me. _

“... Oh- I’ll- just a water, thanks,” I cleared my throat, realizing that Bismuth and Steven had been waiting for me to order my drink. I had zoned out, unaware that the waiter had arrived. “I’m… going to be right back. I’m gonna call Pearl and ask to stay another night.” I slid out of the booth, not up to eating anymore. Just water will fill me up.

I stepped outside of the diner, grabbing my phone. 

_ … I miss… the old days. Back when Rose was alive, when Steven was safe, when the world made sense.  _

_ Now that’s over. And I hate it. _

My arm trembled.

_ … I just want some normalcy again. _

My eyes darkened with tears.

_ … I wish I could restart my life. I can’t change the past. What’s done is done. _

_ And what’s done… is nothing but suffering. _

I watched the sunset, already knowing I’ll lie and tell Bismuth that Pearl said we could stay another night. 

_ I have… to keep fighting…  _

_ Steven is all I have left. _

_ And there’s nothing more dangerous than someone who has only one thing left to lose in the entire world. _

I stared at my phone. 

I blinked.

Then, I chucked it into the ocean below the dock. I watched as the splash from it diminished, and it sank to the depths below, forever gone.


	61. Week Nine - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot’s temporary paradise has come to an end this evening. The Diamonds have tracked down Pearl’s place.
> 
> TW/CW: descriptions of an autistic meltdown/ sensory overload, manhandling, brutality  
> This is somewhat of a rough chapter depending on how much you can handle.

“I never thought I’d be a cat person- cats are inferior when compared to poultry,” I ranted, placing down the food bowls for Pearl’s cats. I spent most of my day either on my tablet or just hanging out with her cats, and I’ve found that they can be both interesting and fun! Though… I’d still love to have a chicken in my arms… it just isn’t the same… their feathers and their little fluffy faces complete with beady black eyes...

“Voicemail again… Goodness, I’m calling Bismuth,” Pearl spoke from the kitchen where she was making dinner for us both. It was grilled cheese and some salad as she told me. Not pancakes, but I’ve come to understand that literally ANYTHING Pearl makes is delicious. She’s strict about three meals a day, which I'm not complaining about. It’s good food!

“Uh… What’s wrong?” I questioned, curious. 

“Lapis isn’t picking up, I should’ve trusted my instincts and had her stay here a bit longer. I thought I could trust her with Bismuth since I know Bismuth can keep a good eye on someone, but-...” Pearl pinched the bridge of her nose. “Let me call Bismuth and see what’s going on, then I’ll finish making dinner. I might have to go pick them up myself if I don’t get through. Lapis promised me that she’d call and check in with me and she's gone quiet on me. They’re supposed to come back today.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I pet Renegade as she came by for food, followed by another cat. The third came rushing in from a flap in the front door, the collar around its neck jingling with the golden bell attached to it. Pearl proceeded to make another phone call while I stayed with the felines.

_ Forget Lapis! She doesn’t know me! Pearl says I’m fine the way I am, and it’s refreshing to hear that for once instead of constant oh Peridot, you're doing this wrong and that wrong and Peridot you’re unfixable- whatever! I don’t need surgery! _

_ Plus she tried to…! Agh! I don’t even like her like that-. I mean, she’s… cool, she’s got a body I wish I had, but… I don’t… I don’t want to do something like that. I don’t want to do it with anybody! _

_ If not the autism part, is Lapis right about my own libido? Am I really broken for not wanting to…? I thought it was something glorified in fanfiction and something people only did when they wanted to make a spawn of their combined heritage…  _

_ Plus it sounds gross… all that sweat… ew. Ewewew-. _

I shook my body out, gagging at the thought. It’s fine if Percy and Pierre did it in chapter twenty eight of EmilyFan67’s work, but if I’m involved?! No! Gross! Oh no and I have to do that one day in order to have kids because my mom always says I need to expand the family legacy! I can’t do that! If I had to, maybe if there was the right person out there for me, but-...

_ Is there a word for that? A word for not wanting to do what everybody else does? Like hookup like that? Or maybe it’s because I’m autistic… _

_ It’s confusing. _

I’ve had a bit more confidence in myself since Pearl educated me a little, and since then I’ve done some research on my own so that I could learn more too. It’s  _ bizarre  _ how my mother made it sound so bad! I mean, referring to what Pearl has told me and what I’m learning, it doesn’t even seem that bad! It’s not a disease, it’s not an infection, it’s… things that are the opposite from what my mother told me. It’s just a neurological disability, it wasn’t caused by vaccines, and actually people like my mom say it is to install fear and terror-  _ … control  _ over the misinformed. Power, just like what my mother enjoys with her business. If she ever lost her position, she would go insane.

_ What if she was telling me the things she was telling me… to… control me..? _

_ What if she withheld information from me… to control me? _

_ That sounds far fetched, doesn’t it? _

I stood up, heading down the hall to my room. My tablet was in there finishing up some charging after a long period of running games earlier, and I was ready for another game to occupy me until dinner was ready. Ooh, Dragonvale sounds intriguing. Hatch, grow, and build my own dragon world? Hmm… okay, I’ll do it! I’ll download that one.

I laid on my bed, humming to myself. I bounced my leg, watching the tablet screen. Pearl said that these movements, the repeating constant ones, are called stims. It’s a super weird word, I know. It’s like my hand flapping! It actually has a word for it! That’s so neat. I didn’t know that there was an actual reasoning or word behind these sorts of actions. This is what I was scared of Rose finding out? This is what my mom wanted to suppress? But it feels so good! So free! So… free…

_ So… free… _

My eyes lingered to my hands.

_ Those rubber bands and gloves… _

_ They were meant to… to suppress me…  _

_ They weren’t… made to help me… _

_ My mom… my mom…- _

I snapped out of my thoughts, disturbed by the sound of a doorbell sounding. Oh. That must be Lapis and Steven coming back, right? Hmph. I stuck my tongue out, then transmitted my focus to my tablet. 

This game seems pretty easy, you get this small red dragon and then you grow treats and feed them to level them up? What an interesting concept… Man, speaking of, I’ve wondered what it’s like to grow a garden. I mean, I could grow fruits, flowers, I could even grow an onion and nobody could tell me no! I could grow crops to feed to chickens and level them up too! 

As I worked on passing the basic tutorial of the game, I tuned out from my environment. I didn’t want to miss any detail of this game! What if I did and then I didn’t understand something? 

I managed to fill up my small starter island with a few habitats and about four more dragons, the most boring aspect being that I had to wait for more dragons to hatch from the breeding program. I put down inexpensive plants and paths as I waited, decorating to my heart’s content. I so wish that dragons were real, I want to ride one and have it take me anywhere! I could go to Kentucky! Why Kentucky? I seriously don’t know- first thing that popped into my head. Kentucky fried chicken, ugh I’m hungry…

Where’s Lapis and Steven at anyway? That was them coming home right? So why hasn’t Steven come to see me yet? … Oh. He must be uh… grieving. Grieving, meaning he’s sad about… yeah. 

Well! Then I can go cheer him up! I’ll give him a little bit of the good Peridot cheer up! I don’t really know what it’s like to be missing someone, but I know what being sad feels like! I do! I… do now. I understand that now.

I put down my tablet and powered it off. I scratched my head. Then, I left the room, tablet on the bed. I tapped my hands together, a bit nervous. “Steven! Steeeeven!” I called.

No response.

Okay, weird. No worries! I’ll go check out-! … Oh. I paused after I opened the door to his room in the house, finding nobody there. I’ll just keep looking!

I explored the kitchen, seeing the grilled cheese still uncooked on the counter. I wonder if I can eat one uncooked… no, Peridot! No food! First, find your friend! Focus, clod! Gah! Okay, okay, keep looking, yup. Where’s Pearl?

That’s when I felt a sense of unease. Um… where is anybody? I checked the time on Pearl’s oven.

_ Oh thank gosh I’m still in the present and that this isn’t some kind of hologram or something.  _

I pinched myself to be sure before I investigated the rest of the house. Nobody, nope, nada. I jumped when I heard a cat meow. “Do you know anything that’s going on?” I demanded from the feline, who returned my question by licking its fur. I’m not sure what that means?

Hang on, is there something  _ outside? _

My muscles froze. I recognize that sound… No, I’ve heard that sound before in movies and tv shows…

_ Police sirens? _

Oh no. Oh nononono-!

Peridot, you have to go out there! Peridot, you need to go help Pearl! What if she’s out there!? 

I panicked. I held my breath, my ears honing in on the echo of the sirens outside. 

_ Pearl must be out there. Holy crap, was I TOO focused in my game?! How did I not hear-?! _

_ Do I stay inside?! Do I go outside!? _

_ I can’t- breathe! I can’t move! Move, DAMMIT!!! MOVE!!! BREATHE!! YOU USELESS TOMATO!! _

My body wasn’t responding  _ at all.  _ It was like I stopped breathing- it was hard to inhale, and my body was shaking. 

_ Nononono…. please say this is a bad dream! _

I rubbed my hands together, holding them close to my chest. I tried to comfort myself with little avail.

_ I have to go out there. I have to go see what’s going on! Look through a window at least? Or the peephole in the door-! _

_ BREATHE. Peridot, breathe! _

I swallowed a thick wad of saliva that I didn’t even know I held in my throat, followed by a forced inhale and exhale. 

Okay, I’m gonna go look through a window, and uhh… yeah yeah, I’ll do that. Go do that, Peridot. Like RIGHT NOW. DO IT. STUPID. DO IT DO IT DO IT-.

I shakily approached the window by the front door, and lifted up the blinds just enough for one of my eyes to look through. What awaited me outside  _ shocked  _ me; there were two police cars out there, some officers,  _ PEARL-  _ she was out there and they seemed to be talking to her, and then… 

_ My…  _

_ Mom’s…  _

_ Car… _

I slowly backed away, eyes wide with horror. She…

_ She found me. How?! _

My attention was growing fuzzy. It was rather difficult to stay intact with reality now. I felt kind of dizzy… all the sounds got louder? Colors also seemed to be brighter around me…

I held my head, sitting down on the floor. 

There were voices outside, I couldn’t make out what they’re saying. I held my hands over my ears, closing my eyes and hoping that this  _ was  _ a dream. My cheeks felt warm, my guess being from tears. I’m crying? 

There were loud knocks. There was a loud crash. The voices were louder,  _ louder. _ My own heartbeat was screaming in my ears. I held myself tighter, I couldn’t calm myself down.

_ What’s going on? What’s happening?! What’s happening?! _

Somebody grabbed my arm. Someone was in the house with me. It was lost in translation for me in terms of processing what was occurring. It was so… blurry.

Past my tears, I saw the ground beneath me sliding away. Any sense I had of touch disappeared. 

I was zoning out, unwillingly, unconsciously. I felt sick. Really sick.

I had no control over my own body, it was like I went null! 

I could taste my tears in my mouth, since some of them dribbled onto my lips. 

My knees slid over sand, then dirt, then more sand. 

My vision only consisted of blurry dark grays and blues, partnered with the occasional red and blue.

Everything was so… loud. 

I remember when something like this happened before when I was younger- my mother took me to the mall with her in order to meet with someone and purchase some clothing, and my environment got intense just like this! I couldn’t breathe just like this, I was unable to talk just like this, I couldn’t even THINK! 

There was another time too when something like this happened- at a small coffee shop that had super bright lights on at night.

And another time… I can’t remember all the details. What… what is this…? 

I let out a choked sob. My arms vibrated, my legs kicking wildly.

I was able to only gain mild control of myself when I inhaled forcibly, and that quickly faded as something hit my back with enough force to exhaust me.

Voices, voices… some louder than others.

“I have the right to demand seeing a badge or warrant-“

“We found someone inside the household-“

“Hostage seems to be under the influence of drugs; consistent shaking, inability to respond-“

“Check the rest of the perimeter for any more civilians, keep an eye out for-“

“Sending two in-“

But, the most loudest voice of all?

“That’s her, that’s my daughter!”

_ My mother. _

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sound and sight of those red and blue sirens. Neither will I forget the look of my mother’s eyes as she approached me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // These kind of chapters are... very rough, for me to write- not just because I’m also aware of what’s been going on in the world and how it can connect or be compared with aspects of the story, but also because this in particular was based off terrifying real life events I’ve gone through. This is going to get a bit personal;
> 
> I was having a meltdown in public once while with certain family members, I was in huge mental distress, and I guess that attracted the attention of some nearby officers as all I remember was that next I was being restrained and they thought I was under the influence of drugs with how much I was shaking and crying, holding my ears. I’m not exactly sure how my family members with me got me out of that situation, but I was one of the few lucky ones that weren’t physically injured much or put in jail. I don’t remember much of how it exactly happened honestly, but I remember how much more scared I was, and the physical applied pressure on my body. I’ve also once been physically choked because I was having a sensory overload and almost died. Yet somehow, I’m still here.  
> ... But others... aren’t so lucky. I’ve heard stories, I’ve felt the pain of others like me that discuss their own experiences, I’ve mourned people that could’ve still been here. It’s a sad, scary, and real thing. I think it’s appropriate to share that here to provide some insight and awareness alongside the story. Peridot, just like I was, was one of the few lucky ones to keep her life. Which... is terrifying.


	62. Week Nine - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot awakens after the events of last night, and confronts her past in an undesirable place.

_ I wiggled my hand back and forth, smiling as I skipped along. I was nine. _

_ “Peridot, quit that.” _

_ I stopped as soon as my mother scolded me, giving a pout. “But I was just…” _

_ “Assume proper mannerisms, quit acting like a child.” _

_ “I am a child-“ _

_ “Do not talk back to me.” _

_ I puffed out my cheeks.  _

_ Later that same day, I found a frog while my mom got her hair done at a salon. It was stuck inside the building, trapped in a corner. It was so tiny! I got out of the chair that I had been waiting in, and stood over it. I picked it up, having trouble keeping it in my hands due to how slippery it was.  _

_ The frog was brown and had stripes. I named him Froggy. I was going to name him Frogger, like after the game, but I didn’t want him to get run over like the game. _

_ I put him in my pocket, where he fit perfectly. I took him home with me. _

_ And then the next day, after I had made a little bin for him with dirt and water, he was… gone. I had a handful of some earthworms I found in our backyard all ready for him to eat. _

_ I later found out that my mom got rid of him. She had given me a lecture to ‘not be distracted by puny organic life’, then flushed him down the toilet right in front of me. _

_ I cried for a week. _

_ I never got a pet. And I never caught another frog again. _

I hardly remember anything from last night- if it is the next day by now. I can see a light, which I'm assuming to be daylight. Super bright daylight… Sheesh, was the sun always that bright?

Hold… on. Why can’t I feel my arms? I wiggled, soon coming to terms with the fact that my arms were tied to my body. 

_ WHAT? _

I forced myself to wake up some more in order to properly assess the situation. Was I sleeping? Had I been asleep? Gosh, last night must’ve been crazy… come on, wake up! Did I pass out? Was I just so tired that I went out?

“You’re awake.”

I tensed. I knew that voice. I dared not look. My blood ran cold.

“I’ve had to subdue you in order to keep you from doing anything unwise again. I’m upset that you’ve made me do this. But, I’m left with no choice. You were unresponsive, and wouldn’t stop shouting last night.”

_ Mom… _

I’m in my mother’s vehicle, and I’m  _ trapped  _ in it. I can tell, I know that sort of carpeting and the window frame.

_ Where are we going?! _

“The whole thing was reckless,” my mother continued to rant. “I have no idea what the meaning behind it all is, but now that you’ve been found, I’m going to put an end to this tomfoolery.”

_ An… end? _

“I’ve found a private surgeon outside the city willing to work with me.”

_ She… _

_ She didn’t…- she did…- _

_ I’m… _

  
  


_ I’m going to… get a lobotomy… _

My breath hitched. This… this was going to happen to me. And I can’t… do anything about it...

I sat perfectly still in the passenger’s seat, like I could do anything anyway. 

“That woman you were with, she refuses to say anything about Rose when she was interrogated. I wonder, do you know anything about her? It must’ve been terrifying for you, being dragged everywhere by a kidnapper.”

“... I wasn’t kidnapped,” I choked out.

“Then you ran away on your own?” My mother laughed as she came to a red light. “Preposterous.” 

I bit my lip. “I did.” I had nothing left to lose now, right? I’m going to get a lobotomy, and I’m… done for.

My mom stopped laughing. She gave me a suspicious glare before she continued driving on when the light turned green. “And why? I’ve seen the tape from the Keystone Motel. Makes sense now that you tell me this.”

_ Tape? That’s how they found us? Of course! Pearl’s license plate must’ve-. _

I swallowed the dry saliva in the back of my throat. My tongue was just as dry. I nervously shivered. 

“Well?” My mom impatiently pried.

_ I can’t- yes you can! No, I can’t-! If I… she’s gonna-... _

“I’m waiting.”

_ I ran away. I ran away… from YOU. Because I’m… SCARED of you. _

_ I’m… SCARED, of what you want to do to me before you’ll ever accept me. _

_ Will you ever…? _

_ … _

_ Steven accepted me and he’s not even my family. So did Pearl.  _

_ So why can’t you? _

“Peridot-“

“FINE!” I shouted, making my mom jump from how loud I was. I guess that I was at my limit or I had a lot of pent up anger because next I was full on ranting. “You wanted me to be ‘normal’ this whole time, when really there is no normal! Just people! And I… I’m autistic. This is who I am. You never… and you never will accept me for who I am. I get it- you’re in denial! I’ve been there! Mom, please… if you’ll just see the real me, the person I have had to keep secret from you, you won’t be disappointed. But wanting to fix me when there wasn’t even a problem is  _ stupid _ !” I was… crying, again. “I’m your  _ daughter _ . You’re my  _ mom _ ! You’re all I have… and yet… I never felt so much like an  _ outsider _ until I realized my entire life... I’ve been one.” I let that sink in. 

_ I’m an outsider. And you’re… never going to see me as your daughter unless I’m dead. _

_ Unless I’m… dead. _

_ To you, having a dead child is better than an autistic one… and that’s… the scary part. _

“Let me go,” I pleaded. “I- I don’t- I don’t care if you’d tell everyone I’m dead. I- I don’t care if you don’t see me as your daughter anymore. I’m so… tired of trying to make you proud, I’m… I’m tired of letting you dictate my life. Please… let me go. I don’t want… this.”

“You are my daughter, and you-“

“I am NOT your daughter. I am your SLAVE. I’m your disappointment, I’m your regret, I’m your weight dragging you down! If I was ever your daughter, you- you would’ve shown me instead of telling me what I am!” I continued to yell at her.

“Keep your voice down, and refer to me as ma’am-“

“NO! No! I’m not getting a lobotomy! I’m- I’m not getting a vaccine, and I’m not going to let you make me think I’m any less worth of living anymore! If you won’t accept me, then I’m just as stupid as you are thinking you’d change! You… you dumb CLOD!!”

My mom brought the vehicle to a screeching halt. She pulled over to the side of the road.

I tensed.

“... You are getting this lobotomy, and I don’t want to hear anymore of it,” my mother scolded, her hands never leaving the steering wheel. She didn’t even look at me.

“No, I’m not,” I challenged.

“You are, and that is final. If I wanted an heir to the family business who would only treat me this way, I would’ve adopted a raccoon instead.”

“Then I’m a proud raccoon. I dig through trash and eat it! Trash like  _ you _ !”

My mother was angry. She said nothing more, and neither did I. She’s now aware of my feelings, and that’s all I want her to know. 

That’s all I ever want her to know.

That is all.


	63. Week Nine - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get super chaotic, and a confused Lapis starts to doubt her place among her family. 
> 
> Sailor mouth ahoy

… We’re back to square one.

We are back to square one, having gone nowhere despite our efforts. We only delayed the inevitable. And this time… I had caved. I submitted. I kneeled, and I didn’t fight back this time.

I… didn’t want them to hurt Steven. Things are already bad as they are, and I… don’t want to risk it. I wanted to fight, I did!, but look at what happened the last time I tried to fight. My nose got broken and we were thrown into the back of a car. Maybe this time if we just… submitted, things would be easier for all of us.

Let me explain. When Bismuth arrived to drop me and Steven off back at Pearl’s after our extra night of stay, we found police cars guarding the perimeter. Bismuth tried to back up, only to be trapped by another car. The officers ordered us out of the vehicle after asking Bismuth what her business was, and Steven and I were taken. I told Steven to go with it, to not put up a fuss, to submit. They talked to Bismuth, all while Steven and I were driven away.

It was horrible.

And now? Here we are. Being held in custody, for something we don’t know. We ran, and we hid, but here we are now again. But this time we are further into trouble.

At least we aren’t alone, though. They drove us all the way back into Empire City, and there we found Pearl and Greg also being kept prisoner for interrogation. We’re in this. Together.

_ Although I would’ve liked to not be here at all… _

I took a deep breath in. Apparantly, all of us are being charged with involvement of kidnapping and murder. Yes, even Steven. Isn’t that fucking ridiculous? I sat down beside him in the court, Pearl and Greg at our side too.

This isn’t an ordinary system, as I'm getting. This seems like some kind of… private police system, judging by how determined they are to see us get taken down. We don’t even have our own lawyer, and nobody else is in this so-called trial room. That, and there’s this strange woman… the woman from the farm before, who I see a lot around here barking orders.

_ She’s the one who talked to Rose before. The old lady with the frosted hair. _

_ Is she behind all this? What does she want from us? _

Said woman walked up to the podium, assuming position as judge.

_ We are fucked. She’s biased- whatever she wants from us. _

“Where were you?” I furiously whispered to Steven. He had been gone with Pearl in another room before this, just now I’m regrouping with him and everyone else. “Where did they take you?”

“They didn’t take me anywhere,” my brother replied.

“What?” I leaned in closer, determined to keep my voice down and our conversation out of earshot. I had to get as much as I could before-.

“Order, order in the court,” the woman announced, raising her arms. The room hushed. “What a  _ dramatic _ way to wrap this up. But, a dramatic chase deserves a dramatic conclusion.”

_ She’s full of shit. Nobody is here except us. Who’s she even talking to? _

“Pearl said she needed to talk to me,” Steven murmured. He seemed… off. He wasn’t cheerful or even hopeful, he was… solemn?

“Greg Universe, Steven Universe, Lapis Universe, and Pearl… who cares about the last name of a civilian that assisted in hiding wanted criminals?” The woman chortled.

“Your wanted criminals are  _ children? _ ” Pearl spoke up. “A minor who’s fourteen, and one who is seventeen? Your threats are  _ minors _ ? What are they capable of doing besides being afraid of you? You’re the one that disturbed their peace.”

“”What did she talk to you about?!” I kept talking to Steven quietly.

“Silence,” the woman demanded from Pearl.

“It wasn’t really a talk-“ Steven said.

“SILENCE!” The woman called.

I turned once I heard the doors to the room open. When I saw who it was, I immediately stood up.

“Sit down,” the woman told me.

_ I know this person too. _

“Where is she?” I hissed, recognizing the newcomer to be Peridot’s mother from the few times I’ve caught a glimpse of her on the farm. “She wasn’t with us in the detention-.” The anger filling the room is getting to me too. I’m talking without thinking.

“Can’t we just talk this out?” Greg suggested.

“I know that’s she’s in this too, I’ve heard about the SHIT you wanted to do to her!” I yelled.

“This is ridiculous, we don’t even have a lawyer. How is this a fair and legal trial?” Pearl said.

“Everyone, calm down-“ Greg struggled.

“This has to be breaking some laws somewhere,” Pearl went on.

There’s so much commotion going on. There’s so much arguing and tension. Suddenly, Steven jumped up onto the desk in front of us, facing the judge. “EVERYBODY, STOP!”

Silence.

I watched him, warily.

_ This is a fucking mess. _

“I- I didn’t kill anybody. I never killed anybody!” Steven started, “and neither would mom! She’s the most gentle person ever. She…  _ never  _ would hurt anyone.”

“White? Where is Bronagh?” Peridot’s mother questioned the old woman in the front. “I thought she’d be here by now with the lawyer for these heathens.”

“Say that again while you surgically remove your own FUCKING DAUGHTER’S BRAIN!” I shouted at her.

“Lapis!” Greg scolded me.

“A lawyer?” Pearl huffed. “ _ Now  _ we get a lawyer?”

“Zircon is last minute, and a great addition I’m sure,” the old woman said. “Now that you mention it, where is Bronagh?”

“You don’t know where she is?” Peridot’s mother sighed. 

“Alright. Enough,” Pearl also stood up. Greg slightly slid back in his seat, seeming to not want the spotlight on him. “You can play pretend with this trial setup of yours, and bring here as many innocent people as you’d like. But, nothing can deny that you’re abusing your power. This is all unnecessary. I can explain everything, but I can’t. I know someone who can, however.” She nodded at Steven. “Go ahead, Steven.”

_ What?? Pearl?! What the fuck?! _

_ What the hell did she tell him-?! _

Steven pulled out what looked like a pin from his pocket. I raised a brow.

“I made a promise that I’m never going to break. I cannot tell anybody. With this, however, perhaps you can start catching on,” Pearl stated.

“That’s just-“ Peridot’s mother paused, approaching Steven. I tensed, ready if it would be necessary to protect him. I know that I must submit, that I must play good to avoid more trouble, but there is so much tension in this room that it may just make me explode. “... Where did you get this?” She swiped the pin from him.

“Rose had it,” Greg spoke up. “My wife and I…” he sadly looked at Steven and Pearl. “I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Pearl, did you… tell him?”

“Only partly,” Pearl replied. “What I could say anyway or draw for him.”

_ TELL HIM WHAT? WHY IS EVERYONE SUDDENLY EXCLUDING ME? _

_ What’s a pin got to do with it?! Why are those two bitches suddenly so eager to hear us out now?! _

Steven was tearing up.

My heart was pounding. What the absolute… FUCK is going on? 

“I’m so sorry, Steven,” Pearl begged for forgiveness. “I never wanted you to find out this way. Not like this.”

“And we support you, schtu-ball,” Greg assured.

“Get on with it,” Peridot’s mother said.

“... I’m… I’m Peony’s son,” Steven said at last.

I stared, shock and overwhelming emotions hitting me all at once.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


When Zircon finally arrived, it was like I suddenly didn’t exist. Steven and everyone else was rounded up to discuss their side of the story both with the lawyer and the Diamonds as I’ve come to learn as they’re called. I was kept in a different room. 

_ What the… fuck…  _

_ WHAT THE FUCK. _

I banged my fists against the locked door, frustrated.

_ Why am I being left out of this?! Who even is Peony?!  _

_ GOD DAMMIT!! Don’t shut me out!! _

My body shivered. My muscles were on fire. I screamed and kicked with no avail. 

_ I NEED TO SEE MY BROTHER. _

_ LET ME OUT!!! _

I eventually stopped, my fists and feet aching. My face was red from how much noise I was making, my eyes too stunned to cry.

Why… am I suddenly being excluded? I’m Rose’s child too-!

I paused, wiping my brow.

_ Yeah, but you were adopted. _

_ You’re not biologically hers. _

_ That shouldn’t matter! She adopted me! I’m a Universe! _

_ … But you’re not blood related. You don’t know the Universe family as well as you thought you did. _

I bit my lip.

_ What if after this fucking wreck they abandon me? _

_ What if… I’m ALONE AGAIN? _

_ What if I lose them? What if they throw Steven and Greg, Pearl too, in jail forever? Execute them?! _

_ Why am I being shut out?! _

I couldn’t hear anything. Who’s Peony? Why was it such a big deal? Why did I get separated from everyone else?

_ They don’t want you. _

_ You’re not related. _

_ You’re adopted. _

_ Remember what Jasper said? She was… right. _

_ But Steven is my brother-! He’s ALWAYS going to be my brother-! _

_ …  _

_ … even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. _

_ Maybe everyone else is just more involved than I thought… _

I thought about the pills, Rose and Greg’s conversation, everything. Did that have something to do with this? Then still why am I not included?! What on earth did Pearl even tell Steven?! Or try to tell him?! What the fuck is the deal with a stupid pin?!

I’m… an outcast. For the moment, I’m sure- after all this, we will be together... unless, they decide that I’m no longer… needed.

I’m so.. confused, I’m scared; I’m… I’m tired and I’m upset. I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is that I must protect my brother and or get out of here alive. Maybe dead if I have to if it means Steven would be alive…

I’m just so… crushed that I’m not being included. I’m a part of the family too- if they’re getting consequences, then they are mine too!

But they aren’t.

And here I am, being excluded.

I took a broken nose for them, for my brother. I threw my phone away, I risked never seeing my friends again, I left my girlfriend behind, I left my normal life behind-...

Yet here I am. And here I am, wasting away. Alone. 

_ They don’t want you. _

_ You’ll be an adult anyway. Once you’re eighteen, they no longer want you. They’ll kick you out.  _

_ I’m so… sorry… For anytime that I have failed you or disappointed you… _

I hid away in the corner, slumped on the floor. I didn’t feel any kind of motivation to try and get out. I only felt emptiness. What was the point? 

This day has just been… insane, alright? And that’s that. It can’t get any worse or weirder.

When the sound of the door creaking open reached my ears, my blood ran cold. 

_ … Steven? _

But when I turned around, there stood someone I have never seen before. I flashed a frustrated stare, not in the mood for any conversation or interaction. 

“... You’re alive,” the stranger gasped upon seeing me. They were a woman, and she had black hair with blue eyes. 

_ Alive…? _

My confusion peaked. 

_ This… lady, why does she look kind of like me-? _

“I’m so glad White found you. I thought you died- Lapis, is that… you?”

_ How does she know my name-? _

I didn’t answer. My facial expression must’ve been enough though, because then the lady revealed to me, “I am your mother. My name is Charlotte Lazuli. My husband and I sold you away when you were a baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // me, giving myself a brain frick writing from Lapis’ POV because she don’t know shiz rn which also makes it fun


	64. Week Nine - Peridot, Monday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot meets one of the other Diamonds.

My entire body felt light. When I lifted up my arm, it was like I was walking on air. I struggled to wake up, expecting there to be either my mother or something worse.

_But… at least she knows now._

_She knows how I feel._

_And I never want to- whoa, my mouth feels funny._

I stuck out my tongue, playing with my own facial expression. I widened my eyes, I scrunched up my nose, I even played with my arms watching them go back and forth! 

_OH MY GOD AM I DEAD?!_

I shot up from the thing I had been laying on. Wait. Where the heck am I? This doesn’t look like a surgery room-.

_I remember that my mom…. she…_

She drove me to this small building, and she was… very very determined for me to get a lobotomy. I resisted, I kicked and squirmed and begged her over and over again I begged her please don’t, only to end up thrown onto a table with my belly up and back down. Uh, that’s pretty much all I remember. It was… um… I forget the word for it. I thought I was going to throw up too.

Oh my gosh I can bite my tongue and I don’t feel anything. WHOA. WHAT THE-.

“I see your drugs have worn off.”

_WHAT THE-._

I stood up sharply. 

“Careful, careful. You’re still vulnerable.”

_That’s not Pearl. WHO THE HECK-._

_Wait a minute._

I had a suspicion, which was proven hauntingly true once I saw who was with me. We were in this private room I’m assuming? There was a dim light and an open window, and I was on a stretcher. There were a few other items in the room like a table and some other junk. The person with me?

_One of my mother’s coworkers._

_What the heck is going on? Why is she here? Where’s my mom?_

_OH MY GOSH I GOT SURGERY AND DIED AND NOW I’M IN HEAVEN!_

_No, wait, I’d definitely be in hell. Ooooh gosh oh gosh oh gosh I’m so so SO SORRY FOR READING THOSE PERCY AND PIERRE FANFICTIONS PLEASE DON’T HOLD THAT AGAINST MEEEE-._

“My name is Bronagh. Do you remember me?” The stranger said.

I studied her for a bit. “You’re one of my mother’s coworkers, of course I remember you,” I huffed. 

“I know the first official time we met, it wasn’t pleasant. But, I do ask you to forgive me.”

_Oh yeah, she had that representative with her, right?_

_WHOA I CAN BITE MY CHEEK AND FEEL NO PAIN._

“Sure?” I shrugged. “Um- what am I doing- okay, so you probably don’t know this, but I just got surgery done and now I’m looking for the gates to-“

“You didn’t get any surgery done.”

“Yes I did! See, my mother wanted me to get a lobotomy, so she-“ I reached up to feel my forehead. 

_Nothing… there?_

I felt around some more. 

_Did I… not… get surgery?_

Bronagh stood. The dark blue robe she wore kind of scared me. It made her look bigger and also so much more intimidating. Seriously IS SHE A BAD GUY BECAUSE ONLY BAD GUYS WEAR STUFF LIKE THAT!

“I heard what Yadira was planning to do with you,” Bronagh began, “and it was… awful. She talked about you a whole awful lot.”

“She talked about me? What did she say?” Not like I care anymore anyway. She doesn’t see me as her daughter, and she didn’t want me if I’m like this. 

_So then why do I want to know what she said?_

_I’m still… clinging on to that hope that she might come around._

“The way she talked about you reminded me of how White talked about Vivi before her operation.” Bronagh looked out the window. I could see that it was dark outside. Wow, how long was I out? “And Vivi was the most brightest, creative individual I have ever met.” She frowned. “After her surgery, she just… wasn’t the same. The person she once was- gone. Her eyes stare at me with this blank expression, and she no longer does anything for herself anymore. Her joy, her grace, her personality… She was all we had left of Peony. And now, that’s gone.”

_Peony…?_

_I think I… did I hear that before?_

_Peony, Peony, hm… don’t think I did. Huh._

_And Vivi- oh no. They gave Volley…-?_

“I couldn’t watch it happen to another person,” Bronagh mourned. “I couldn’t watch that same spark just… dwindle away.”

“Wait. You stopped the surgery?” I came to realization.

“I did,” Bronagh nodded. “Yadira left to go see the trial, but I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. I care about them as much as I care about Empire City, but… they can be brash at times.”

“Try _all_ the time,” I murmured. “My mother doesn’t even care about me.” When Bronagh gave me a puzzled look, I went on, “she wanted me to have surgery because I’m autistic. She disowned me, beat me around, lied to me-! I don’t even think the medicine she used for my hands even helped or was real medicine. She’s not my mother anymore.”

“But she did have good intentions.”

“GOOD INTENTIONS? Ohoho- if by good intentions you mean constantly ignoring me and being selfish, never listening to me or even wanting to understand me, yup! That’s pretty good intentions,” I said, rubbing the fabric of my pants.

“I came in and stopped the surgery after you were given some light anesthesia and an extremely small dose of propofol. You could’ve been out for way longer had I not arrived in time. I-“

“Which could’ve never happened in the first place if my mother just heard me out,” I pointed out. “Why are you… are you defending her? Ow, my arm.” I held my arms close to me, still a bit woozy and fully recovering from the drugs I had been on.

_I remember…. I remember her face._

_My mom, before she left me with the surgeons… she showed no emotion. She… she wanted me to go through this…_

_There’s… no way she would ever be on my side. She chose her side…_

_And she never…_

I can faintly remember that cold, hard stare glowering down at me. 

_I never was her daughter in her eyes._

“People make mistakes,” Bronagh said.

“Yeah? And some people never learn or apologize from them. I trusted my mom my whole life! And only recently did I learn what she did isn’t okay!!” My lip quivered. “You wouldn’t get it.”

“I do.”

“No! Unless you too have been through what I’ve been through, you won’t understand either! Thanks for saving me, but if you still side with her, then you’re not my ally,” I told her. “I’m gonna… go now, so uh… where can I find my friends?”

“Friends?”

“Steven and Lapis? I mean, Lapis is kind of a bit on shaky terms and I don’t know if she even still wants to be my friend or likes me but ah, they’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to family right now.”

“Steven Universe?”

“That’s him! Yeah yeah! Where is he? I’m gonna go now and find them!”

“He’s part of the trial,” Bronagh watched me as I shakily rose to my feet. Whoa, my legs feel so bouncy. “At least consider forgiving Yadira. She’s been in so much pain.” 

I’m so wobbly, but I’m determined! I’ve gotten this far! I’ve survived! “Pfft, pain? Is that why she mistreated me?” I laughed. “Hard pass, no thank you! I’m starting a new life now- Peridot, adventures in the big world! I’m going to get myself a family that actually cares about me, not like my mom who thinks of me as disposable.” Bronagh blocked the door, the only way out of this room that I can see. I awkwardly paused. “Hey can you uhh… get out of the way? Also isn’t it dangerous that they wanted to do surgery on me? I ate within the last twenty four hours…” I nervously patted my hands together.

“Grieving is painful and makes you do horrible things,” Bronagh said. “Please, forgive her.”

“No,” I shook my head. “If she’s sad, she doesn’t have to take it out on me.”

“I saved you.”

“Yeah on your own choice! AGH! Why are adults so COMPLICATED!!?” I pulled at my hair. I realized I don’t have my glasses but eh! Anarchy! Anarchy! “Okay, I’m gonna be on my way now so if you can please… move?” I tried to look past her. When she didn’t refuse to move, I gulped. “Look, if you don’t let me go, are you really doing anything to help here? You said that you wanted to save me so I don’t end up like Volley- I mean Vivi. If your rules include that I apologize to my mom in order for me to leave, then you might as well have left me on that surgery table!” I stood tall. 

_ADULTS ARE SO FREAKING CONFUSING GAAAAHHHH!!!!_

_WHY DID YOU SAVE ME IF YOU ARE JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND NOT LET ME LEAVE?!?! I AM SMASHING THE KEYBOARD IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW AAAA._

Bronagh at last budged. “... I see.”

“Good! Because you sure were acting like a clod doing what you did and then going back on it-!”

“Grief makes me do awful things too, unexplainable even.” She moved out of the way. “... Fine. You don’t have to forgive her.”

“Damn right oh my god! I am THIS close to just screaming!” I hissed. “SCREAM!”

“At least just… keep it in mind.”

“Sure,” I shrugged, already knowing my answer. I wouldn’t. I’d never forgive my mother, because she had the choice to not hurt me, yet that was all she did, and she sugar coated it with a sugary goodness to blind me. She _betrayed_ me! And for what? For her own personal gain? 

_I can’t believe that I could’ve lived my whole life thinking my mom was everything. I could’ve gotten surgery thinking she was a hero!_

_I was… wrong._

_She isn’t my family._

_Not anymore._

_I may not still understand a lot about myself, but I now understand that I can’t let people change me for themselves. I’m not a doll, I’m not an animal, I’m a person. I’m Peridot._

I started to leave the room. “So um… lovely night? I’m gonna go now?” I flashed some finger guns at her, something I saw before from someone. “Sorry but… yeah. So yeah.”

But, I stopped in the doorway. I leaned against the frame to help me stay up.

I don’t know why I stopped, I just… did.

I looked at Bronagh. “... Er, I’m sorry for your loss, whoever it was. But you also need to keep in mind what I said too.” I sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know what you’re going through and you don’t know what I’m going through, let’s just agree to that.”

“Your name is Peridot, right?” Bronagh quietly murmured.

“Yes,” I replied. “Peridot Oliver... just Peridot. If I walk out of here, is anybody gonna stop me?”

Bronagh shook her head.

_Until I know who I am, I no longer have a last name._

_I could still be a Price, I could still be a Diamond, but… what if I’m destined to be someone else?_

_I’ll have to figure it out._

_Peridot. Peridot Oliver. That’s who I am._

I took the cue to leave when Bronagh didn’t verbally reply to me any longer. I sprinted off, looking to find the way out or a map that showed the way out. This building didn’t seem too big or crowded… and there wasn’t even anybody here! 

_What a super private surgeon place, huh?_

I found an elevator, hopping in and pressing the button to take me down. 

_Peridot… I am Peridot…_

And although I’m grateful that someone stopped the surgery, saved me from it, I still have a long way to go. I’m not a damsel in distress, I’m not a poor helpless girl. I’m me, and I’m Peridot, I’m autistic, and I’m gonna find my friends. At least they were the ones that were the closest thing I’ve ever had to family. I’m not going to give up on them, because they never gave up on me.

_Steven_ , _Pearl, and yes even you Lapis you clod, I’m coming back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I had the opportunity to visit one of the places today that inspired some events and settings in this- it was a long river with a nature trail. Needless to say it was peaceful getting to write there with a cup of coffee and some wildlife to watch.  
> Chapter updates may be a bit slower during Artfight— but I’ll still try and get out what I can now that I’m in the more “exciting” parts. Where’s Jasper? Who the freaking heck is Charlotte? Cliche Pink Diamond was my mom route for Steven? Yes. Personally I’m looking forward to writing the next few chapters, since I get to write a bit “off-key” and just write to escape reality, create some fantasy-like or exaggerated dramatic moments.


	65. Week Nine - Lapis, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis gets pulled aside from the trials by her supposed birth mother.

_“Come with me. You don’t have to stay with all this trial nonsense,” the woman beckoned._

_“I can’t leave them,” I retorted. Mother? Sold me as a baby? What bullshit is this woman spouting? My mother is dead, and so is my father._

_“Why not? Lapis, dear-“_

_“Don’t call me that,” I demanded. “You’re not my mother.”_

_“I can grant a DNA test if you don’t believe me. The trial won’t be long anyway- and White plans on keeping everyone not involved out. Wouldn’t you like to have a nicer room to stay in the meantime?” The woman, Charlotte, held a hand out to me in offering._

_No. I must stay here for Steven._

_Even if… I’m not included right now in the crap happening._

_“At least please give me a chance. You deserve an explanation,” Charlotte begged._

_I must stay._

_I must stay._

_… But what if she’s right? Or what if I stay and only make things worse? Steven has Greg and Pearl in there. Surely, he’d be… fine without me. They can protect him and they know more than I do. They wouldn’t act irrational._

_… What if he’s fine without me for the rest of his life? What if I’m just… a bother?_

_I could make things worse. I tend to act without thinking again. I hurt people. Steven needs the safe and calm route. He needs to lie low and do as they say. If I’m there…_

_Remember Peridot? You drive people away. Remember how YOU led the officers to Pearl’s place by being stupid enough to stay in a motel where they had cameras? Remember how YOU almost got Steven killed by resisting the officers at the farm?_

_...I can’t get involved. If I can be promised his safety, I’ll… go in the meantime, check this suspicious shit out. Fuck, if I were to get kidnapped and beaten or killed, I wouldn’t care. Just as long as they don’t hurt Steven._

And that’s how I ended up in a vehicle on the way to Ocean Town the next morning. Reluctantly. I was promised Steven’s safety, I was told the trials would be a while, and there wasn’t really any other way. I’d never be able to get included into whatever is going on. I don’t trust this lady at all either. However, what else is there to do? 

The… guilt, as they call it, is hitting me. I even feel sorry for being alive. I feel like if I go with this lady, whatever she plans on doing with me, is my punishment.

_I know that sometimes I can be too much. I can’t control my own anger._

_I remember what Rose once said. If the issue occurs over and over again, consider cutting the problem out of your life. Make an effort. Communication and making changes resolves issues. Avoiding it does not. … Which is all I ever do- run away and search for temporary relief from my problems._

A cold flash of Peridot’s shocked face scathed my mind.

_Did I really… try and sleep with her?_

I lost track of how many times I felt a faux happiness and dash of dopamine with Jasper. It was always when we ran off and caused trouble. Never when there was no risk, no reward, nothing to gain or get violent doing.

_Just like with… Kevin…_

I seek deadly xanax.

_I just don’t like… feeling so sad and hopeless all the time,_

_I fucking hate it._

_I’m… a horrible sister. At least admit to that._

“How are you doing? Alright?” Charlotte asked me. “If you’d like, I could always get you some ice cream to cheer you up.”

I straightened my posture in the passenger’s seat. “What?”

“Is that not your favorite anymore?”

My heart skipped a beat, not out of joy either. “N-no- what kind of question is that?”

“Rocky road in particular used to be your favorite,” Charlotte said.

_What… the fuck?_

I was lowkey freaking out, because that _is_ my favorite ice cream flavor. When Rose took Steven and I to the boardwalk or to town, we would sometimes stop for ice cream. Steven would get vanilla or cookie dough, maybe even birthday cake or cotton candy, while I always got rocky road.

_I’m freaking the fuck out. What the hell-?!_

“When you were three, it was all you wanted,” Charlotte chortled. “Your father had to trick you into eating your greens before it was too late with all the sugar in you.”

“That’s impossible.”

“How come?”

“My mother and father… my mother was Hawaiian. She isn’t…” I eyed Charlotte, “... you know. You’re not her. I don’t even remember anything like what you’re saying.”

“Of course you don’t, you were a baby,” Charlotte said.

“I still remember my parents when I was a baby. You’re not my mother.”

“Is the DNA test still up to your interest?”

“Fuck no. I already know the truth.” I looked away.

“Then you shouldn’t feel afraid to deny the test. You know it will be negative, so what would be the damage?”

“A waste of my time,” I answered. I watched the roads outside my window, trees speed by and exit signs blur past. “Just do what you want to do with me already.”

“That’s gonna be impossible unless I bring you back home.”

I said nothing more. This is getting nowhere. Whatever this woman wants with me, so be it.

_Just please… Steven, be safe._

_Watch over him, Rose._

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Where are we going?” I questioned when the car stopped. We had been driving for a while, and she parked in a small parking lot. 

“Follow me, you’ll see,” Charlotte smiled. She hopped out of the car, waiting for me.

_Jesus… why me?_

“Do you remember this place?” Charlotte brought me to a tiny building once I was out of the vehicle. It was two stories tall standing on a rocky cliff, a staircase spiraling around it on the outside. A long wooden fence stretched from the left to the right in front of it, like it was shielding something.

“Do I really need to answer that?” I grumbled. 

_Where am I?_

“The Ocean Town taphouse,” Charlotte explained. “It was left untouched by the fires here a while back. Your father used to bring you here on his few trips around town. You loved chasing the seagulls and going to the water. I called you my little selkie. Once you were in the water, you never wanted to come back out.”

“Lady, I think you have me mixed up with someone else,” I impatiently complained.

Charlotte fell quiet.

_Alright, let’s get back to-._

“What are you doing?” I demanded, attempting to push the other away from me when she tugged on the back of my shirt. She pulled the fabric of my top in a certain way like she was _looking for something._ An audible gasp told me she found it.

“The Lazuli birthmark... I know that you’re tense about all this. The DNA test offer is still open, but if you need a physical sign, this can help.” Charlotte turned around once she let me free, revealing a darker patch of skin along her spine just between her shoulder blades. It was shaped like a teardrop, small like mine.

Just like… mine.

_Birth…-?_

_I…_

Now I was extremely frightened.

_I’ve never… shown anybody… my birthmark before…_

_Not even Steven, or Jasper, or anybody else. Nobody knows. I’m… self conscious about it._

I held my breath. My voice was snatched from my throat. 

_Plus who just… GRABS someone like that to look at their back?? What if I didn’t have that stupid thing-??_

“Are you okay?” Charlotte worried, covering back up the birthmark on her back.

“I-...” 

_Impossible._

_No._

_This can’t be real. This can’t be real._

_MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!_

“I can explain everything over lunch. Are you hungry?” Charlotte asked me.

“You’re going to explain shit NOW?!” I shouted.

“It’s better late than never,” Charlotte sighed. “Were your former parents-?”

“My _parents_ were June and Anthon-“

“Anthony Florence, I know,” Charlotte finished.

_Holy shit…_

“It’s okay to be confused. Come, you can get whatever you’d like here and we’ll talk more.” Charlotte led me along to the taphouse.

I reluctantly followed, my chest welling with emotions that I could not begin to describe. 

I felt like I wanted to scream and cry at the same time.

I sprinted forward, grabbing Charlotte’s shoulder to stop her. “No. You’re doing this all too fast- hell, I didn’t even know you existed! Slow down! EXPLAIN everything to me, stop being so… casual and acting like this is normal! You have no idea what I’ve been through. I don’t care who or what you are, I DEMAND you explain _everything_ to me. You took me from my brother, drove me away from him, and expect me to welcome you so warmly! DNA test, birthmark, some kind of… stories?! That won’t cut it for me!” I made direct eye contact. “Let’s start from the beginning. If you are my mother- which you aren’t- why did you ‘sell’ me away?”

Charlotte shamefully tipped her head. I let go of her, taking two steps back.

I grimaced. “The least you can do is SLOWLY _explain_ what’s going on to me. And be HONEST.” I didn’t dare falter my ambition to know the truth here “Don't be fake. Don’t ignore me or change the topic. Tell me everything as it is. Are you trafficking me, are you hunting me down, did you get assigned to kill me or something?”

Charlotte inhaled shakily. “N-no, I would never.”

“Then tell me what’s going on. Food is for later. Right now I want _answers.”_ I leaned in slightly. “How do you know about my parents, the birthmark- I’ve never even shown anyone-“

“When you were born to us, we thought life would be… much happier,” Charlotte said. “You were the most perfect, most adorable, baby I have ever seen.”

“Get on with it,” I mumbled.

“But your father and I… we owed money.”

I narrowed my eyes.

Charlotte didn’t look at me. “We didn’t have much at the time. I had you after high school, while your father did his best to get into college. We sold our belongings, we sold the house… but it wasn’t enough.”

“So you sold… your own _baby_ ,” I concluded.

Charlotte nodded once. 

“That’s fucked up.”

“We were struggling-“

“So you sell your own KID?!” I spat. 

“Yes,” Charlotte said.

“What, now you want your kid back because you’re stable again?”

“Yes,” Charlotte replied. 

“Who did you owe money to?” I frowned.

“... You were in the room with one of them.”

I sucked in a deep breath.

_Is my entire world involved around that woman that was hosting the trial? Peridot’s mom too?_

_We’re all pawns. We’re chess pieces in a game._

“Why do you owe them?” I pressed.

“I borrowed money from them in order to care for my family,” Charlotte said.

_No twitching eyes or sweating… not even blinking too much or looking away…_

_She’s being truthful._

_Or just good at lying._

_But she can’t be my mother. It just… doesn’t make sense._

_Rose, I need your guidance…_

“My parents bought me?” I wanted to pry more answers. “How? I’m sure that’s like… illegal.”

“They were having fertility problems. They had money, and I offered you.”

“Not even a background check?” I was a bit shocked. “God- I’m unlucky that I wasn’t KILLED. My parents were more of parents than you ever were and will be. Don’t forget that.”

“They were the kindest people…” Charlotte continued. “When I heard they had passed, I thought that you too had died. Until rumors circled around, rumors about a girl who had been found out at sea? A girl who had been adopted by another kind family. I didn’t know what to do- you must’ve been so adjusted to your new home that I didn’t want to intervene too early-“

“Damn right I was. And you took me away from it.”

“At least understand where I’m coming from. I did this for _you_ ,” Charlotte pleaded. “I was so happy when White-.”

“... Just…” I silenced her. “... No more.”

_I’ve heard enough._

“I don’t get a choice, do I?” I challenged. “You’re going to make me come back with you no matter what.”

_I don’t care if you are saying the truth, I don’t care if you pushed me out of you, you're not my mother._

“Yes,” Charlotte nodded.

I held a fist at my side.

“Come, can we have some lunch now? You can get anything you want.” Charlotte tried to touch my hair. I hit her hand away from me. “I like your hair. Did you dye it yourself?”

I didn’t answer.

_But I’m going to get every detail from this woman I can no matter what._

_I’m hungry, and I’m not gonna turn down free food. But Steven is all I have left. He’s all I care about. He better be safe._

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


This is unbelievable. I couldn’t stop looking at the property in front of us, my belly full with a light lunch and my eyes unable to close. Charlotte was taking me to a _mansion._ It seemed to be three stories high, have more than six rooms, and definitely two garages with a large front and backyard. 

_Is that a pool on the second balcony? What the crap..._

“Welcome home, Lapis,” Charlotte said as she unlocked the gates with a click of the button on her car keys. She drove us into the property, circling a fountain until we stopped at the front of the humongous house.

_What… the… whoa._

Yeah, this has to be a prank. Or a dream. Perhaps even how I die by getting brutally murdered inside that place.

A man in a suit came out to assist me in leaving Charlotte’s car. I kept my guard up, never too cautious, allowing him to lead me out to the steps of the mansion.

_This is ridiculous._

I’m not one for these things, really. Who cares about if you have money? Money isn’t what is going to win me back, no matter if this lady is the person who had me. That doesn’t make her my mom.

_Loyalty does._

_This better be fast. I want to get back to Steven soon._

“Your father and sisters are already expecting you. It’s going to take a while for the rest of the family to arrive, but I hope you enjoy their company,” Charlotte smiled.

_SIST-. NO. WHAT?_

_YOU SELL A BABY, GET FINANCIALLY SPOILED, THEN HAVE MORE KIDS?? WHERE ARE YOU PULLING THIS MONEY FROM?!_

There’s no curse word on earth that I can use to describe my emotions right now. The front doors were opened, and I didn’t know how to absorb what I was seeing.

This mansion was jam packed with decor and fancy jack that I can’t comprehend why someone would need it. The walls were painted sky blue. The floor was fancy tiles and soft carpets in the color of white and seashell ivory. Portraits and paintings filled empty spaces. In the middle of the main room as soon as you walked into the mansion, there was a large marble statue of a bird. I’m not exactly sure what kind.

_Sure look stable now._

_I still call bullshit._

_This seems… unrealistic._

_Something feels weird about this. I can’t drop my guard._

“MOOOM! Mom! Oh oh mom! Hiiii!!!” A high-pitched voice called from upstairs. A girl younger than me came rushing down the staircase, a girl who… kind of looked like me. She had twin ponytails, and eyes like mine. There was a lot of freckles on her face.

_If this place doesn’t kill me, I will do it myself. This is a drug trip. A serious drug trip._

“Mooom! You’re back! Oh- MARY! Mom’s back!” The girl yelled.

_Sheesh, she’s as loud as Peridot._

_… And what’s bad is that I miss Peridot’s yelling the most instead of this person._

“Shut up, Nancy! What do you- oh. Uh-... hey.” Another girl joined the first. She had curly hair, kind of like Charlotte’s. 

“Is that the girl you were talking about? Hi!! I’m Nancy, Nancy Lazuli! But, you probably already know that since you’re like my long lost sister like mom says you are!” The first girl gushed, “Aww, I love your hair!! Can I have hair like that?! I _love_ blue!!”

“Nancy, back off,” the second scolded. She waved at me slowly. “I’m Mary.”

“Girls,” Charlotte quieted the two down, “don’t overwhelm her.”

_I’d take Steven anyway over these… people._

“Mary is fourteen, and Nancy is her twin sister,” Charlotte introduced. “Mary is the oldest by three minutes, if you were wondering. Girls, this is Lapis, the one I’ve told you about.”

“You literally had kids like three years after you gave me away?” I judged, crossing my arms. “Don’t forget you’re also the one who grabbed me- imagine if I didn’t have any birthmark on my back,” I scowled at Charlotte. “It would’ve been assault.”

“She has it too?!” Nancy squealed. “That’s amazing!! We have it too- we’re twins!” She glanced back at her sister. “I mean triplets!!”

“I’m not your twin,” I deadpanned.

_Neither did I care much for some stupid birthmark. I always kept it covered up because that’s how stupid it looks. Makeup can be a blessing when I can’t do that._

“I wish I had dead parents that left me a hu- ow.” Mary frowned in response to Charlotte hitting her shoulder before she could finish.

I narrowed my eyes.

“How about I show you your room?” Charlotte suggested to me.

“Can I come with you?! My room’s big but yours is even bigger! It’s so cute it’s got little dolphins all over the bedsheets and-!” Nancy smiled.

_She’s like Peridot on drugs._

_… I never thought I’d ever think that._

“Girls, go find your father. He should be back any minute now,” Charlotte urged.

“But moooom-!” Nancy whined.

“No buts, come on now.” Charlotte led me up the stairs once they were gone, and I took the time to examine more of the place. 

_… Why did Charlotte nudge Mary like that? What was she stopping her from saying?_

_I have a feeling..._

“I hope they didn’t scare you too much,” Charlotte apologized.

“Nope,” I lied. “Not at all.”

“They can be excited when new people arrive- even more so since you’re their older sister.” 

“You were telling them about me?”

“Of course! We’re all excited to have you back.”

“Why would they care? They’ve never met me until now,” I said.

“Which is why they’re even more excited.” Charlotte stopped at the top of the staircase. I stared at her after I did the same. “My little selkie… I’ve missed you so much.”

“What’s that?”

“They’re creatures of mythical stories, they turn into seals in the ocean and humans on the land. They have a very strong connection to the sea, too.”

“Do those… other girls, have nicknames?”

“Well, sometimes I call Nancy dumber than a bag of hammers, and Mary my little nightshade,” Charlotte chuckled. “She’s got quite the attitude at times, a bit like you.” She proceeded onward, eventually bringing me to one of the rooms. “Here we are, your room, Lapis. I kept it to a sea theme since most of us in town like the theme of our namesake.”

“Great. Always near an ocean,” I shrugged, unimpressed. Though that changed again when Charlotte opened the door.

_How much money do you have?! There’s no way you’ve been getting some kind of yearly payment, so where is…-?_

My bed had to be a king size or queen size by the looks of it. There were two drawers beside each other, a large mirror in front of them. I had my own little balcony outside with a sliding door, a chandelier decorated with carvings or silver dolphins, even my own bathroom with a bathtub big enough to fit three people.

_Something doesn’t sit right with me._

It’s just… it could be all the fancy crap getting on my nerves. Having grown up with the only riches being family, I’m not one for money. And this… definitely looks like a lot of money.

_I wish Steven could see this. He’d love this._

“Do you like it, dear?” Charlotte boasted. “I even gave you some clothes in your closet. Hopefully they fit you alright.”

“It’s…” the words struggled to come out of me, “... it’s great. Thanks.” I held no emotion, but I wasn’t going to be rude and not at the least be grateful.

_People would kill for something like this._

_But still, it feels…_

_Oh I don’t know._

My eyes scanned the room, making small notes of where things were. 

_Just in case something happens, I need an idea of where to hide or escape._

And I had a huge feeling that something _would_ happen. This just seems… too coincidental? Too… unreal? This can’t be real. It’s so… too much. 

_What are you hiding from me, Charlotte? If you are telling the truth, why do you seem so…?_

I approached the bed, laying a hand out on the sheets to get a feel of how soft it was. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but… should I try and make the best of it?

_Then I can get out and get back to Steven._

_… Unless… he actually is safer away from me._

_God, I don’t know what they’ll do to him! They could KILL him! They didn’t mind breaking my nose- I’m sure they wouldn’t mind killing a kid-!_

I trembled at the haunting thought. I never wanted to think of such things, but it feels so _real_ with stuff like that.

_I have to figure this out._

_I have to survive this._

_You survived at sea, you can do this._

_Just don’t lose your sanity. Never drop your guard._

I’ve heard people say before that if things are too good to be true, run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I got stuck once at a mansion five-six years ago that one of my family members own for Fourth of July stuff- my experience was pretty similar to Lapis’ situation lmao I didn’t even know half the people there


	66. Week Nine - Peridot, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and her travels so far to try and find her friends.
> 
> A more laid back short chapter.

I could go Y days without food, X days without water. If I could make Y and X line up on the same day without neglecting the other, I should be able to fast myself in a sense of surviving on the road on limited supplies.

Wow, I’m back on the road. Ugh it was SO much better when I lived at Pearl’s… those pancakes…

I don’t even know how I’m supposed to get anything without any money! I didn’t think this through, I was so much more interested in getting back to my friends that I forgot my own needs!

That, and I was scared of if I’d get caught again, without any help I’d get that surgery for sure.

_ Come on, Peridot! THINK! _

I could somehow catch a bus… hitchhike maybe- no, I could get kidnapped and dragged back to that surgery place. Or worse! What if they want to skin me and scoop out my eyes and lay eggs in my intestines and then a baby alien pops out of my chest and I die-?!

Okay, that’s over dramatic but STILL! Those alien movies must exist for a reason-!

_ I don’t have my tablet either… ugghhhhh…  _

I wonder if I could go back to that library I found once? I’d have to go searching again… it should be in the relative area now that I’m back in Empire State… you know I never realized how close to the border Empire City was to the next state over until now. 

I also… kind of wonder what will happen to all those poor animals… Edmond, you were a pudgy guy who always tried to eat the grass, but I liked even you! Less could be said for that turkey though that attacked me once… blah. Maybe he’s dinner now? 

_ And Lapis saved me from him. Which! Thinking of, I am fair game for rekindling a friendship, BUT only if she apologizes for what she did! The- the asking me if I was a virgin or whatever I don’t remember exactly how it went and I don’t like thinking about it- it made me uncomfortable!! _

_ … What caused her to be like that? To say stuff like that to me?! _

_ I don’t like sex or anything… yeah it’s cool in fanfictions but… _

_ Oh no- what if I am broken? Not the autistic part no but because I don’t Iike sex? There’s just no appeal to it for me! It seems gross! Disgusting! Ew! Why do other people like it?  _

_ It’s different when Percy and Pierre- oh my gosh Peridot no don’t recall middle school when you first found fanfiction NO WE ARE NOT GOING DOWN THAT PATH EW. I KNOW WHAT A LEMON IS. _

_ Boys are gross. Girls are… I don’t know… kinda… cute? Maybe?? Uhhh????... _

_ Okay, anyway. _

_ Which way to go… _

_ Where can I even live? Like after all this… I don’t have money and I sure as heck don’t have like… insurance…? _

It’s obvious that I need a plan. I’m walking into almost everything so blind that I’m stuck! Oh boy, this is gonna be super. 

_ When was the last time I took a shower? _

_ I’m so hungry… _

I stopped to sit by one of the trees in the park that I was crossing through, taking shelter in the shade. Summer here likes to get hot then cold and hot again but then it’s cold and hot-. Back when I was traveling with my friends, we usually ignored the afternoon heat or stayed near the trees anyway for hiding. Beach City was sooo much better temperature wise… I miss it. It was so much cooler no matter the time of day.

_ I need a map. _

_ I could look through one of the trash cans and find some recycling? _

I looked down at what I was wearing, which was a very plain shirt and pants. Not even a hospital gown when I had been saved by that lady… But hey, a new pair of clothes my size, right?! And I have my shoes!! No glasses but hey! I’m doing good as I can be right now!! It’s just some things are a teensy bit blurry!

_ What am I supposed to do in the future? Or from here on out? I find my friends and then what? _

_ This… society, unless you get a job and slave away for minimum wage, you don’t get far. I could be on the streets, I could be wandering endlessly until I die of malnutrition… _

_ What’s the point? I’m just… delaying my destiny right? _

_ Without my mom I’m gonna die.  _

_ Oh my god I’m gonna die. _

_ I’m gonna die. _

I chewed on my thumb, scoring my teeth against the skin of my knuckle. 

_ I spent so much time listening to other people that I haven’t had the chance to actually go out and figure out who I am. As far as I’m concerned, I’m just Peridot Oliver. _

Is it normal to feel… useless? Sad? As in, after experiencing the things I’ve been through and only now getting nervous about what’s to happen next?

Let’s face it, all that has happened so far led to demise. I went to horse therapy, and I ended up on this journey avoiding getting surgery. I mean what the heck?! Who would think that someone like me would go through that kind of path?! I’m still a kid too! Well, a kid for like one more year and then I’m a legal adult and then it’s one hundred percent all on me what happens next…

I have no house nor any kind of shelter. If I keep going, I can make it back to Pearl’s… maybe?

This is so hard… What if I was still at my mom’s right now! At least I would’ve had a house and guaranteed food and water-!

GAH what good is thinking about this?!

I miss my friends… and those pancakes…

I gotta keep going because otherwise there’s no hope for me! Come on, get up Peridot!! Get up! GET UP!!

_ I can’t look back. You’ve gotten this far! _

I sighed, then stood up. 

_ Gotta keep going… _

_ I gotta at least do it for my friends. _

_ Did I just have an entire conversation with myself?  _

_ Oh my gosh… either I’m losing it or I am going nuts, laugh out loud!  _

_ Or is this the beginning of my own journey? Am I maturing? Could I feel the estrogen and testosterone-nanone-? _

_ … I’m just super scared. _

_ Hmm… You can’t change the past, but you can change the now, you can change the future… Taking one step forward is already closer to the top than no step at all… _

_ What is my future? NO, I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THAT TOPIC AGAIN I HAVE ALREADY DWELLED ON THAT. _

_ Look, okay, keep going and think later. Okay? Yeah! _

_ The longer you think, the longer you don’t get anywhere! _

Alrighty. I continued on, walking away from the tree and out of the small park.

_ I need to get some money or I’m gonna starve and die. That and I could take DAYS to get back to my friends! _

_ Drinking fountains can only replenish my thirst, never my hunger. It’s not like food grows on trees! Well, actually it does, but I mean like the metaphor. _


	67. Week Nine - The Diamonds, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A non-first person chapter. Another short-ish chapter.
> 
> The Diamonds struggle with their current dilemma. Yadira recalls some of her past.
> 
> TW/CW: Mentions of grief, abortion, slight winks of manipulation/brainwashing, hints of ableism

“YOU LET HER GO?!” Yadira slammed a fist onto the table. “Bronagh! Do you have any idea-“

“She was just a child,” Bronagh defended.

“A child becomes an adult. And a child like that is going to HINDER society unless she is properly fixed,” Yadira hissed, pacing the room.

“I didn’t want another Vivi.”

“Another-?” Yadira sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Bronagh, you don’t know my daughter like I do. You’ve endangered all of us by letting someone like that-“

“And what about that child in the trial? Steven Universe? The child says he-“

“I know what the child says!”

“What if he really is…?”

“Blasphemy.” Yadira turned a cold shoulder. “They just want an easy way out of these court hearings.”

“But do you know that for certain?” Bronagh challenged.

“Are you… turning _traitor_?” Yadira accused. “Why are you suddenly standing up for the accused-?!”

“Because I’m seeing the truth! Ever since Vivi got her lobotomy, she has been… so out of it! Don’t you see, Yadira? She is just a husk, waiting for us to put her out of her misery. I’ve seen her no longer smile or cry, her smiles are fake. They aren’t genuine. We didn’t help her, we destroyed her, and she was the last thing we had of-“

“That is enough, Bronagh,” Yadira scolded.

“She was the last thing we had of Peony, and now she’s gone-“

“I said that is ENOUGH!” Yadira approached the other woman.

“I don’t want to mourn anymore! All this pain and suffering… You cannot begin to _fathom_ how much-“

A clap of the hands startled them both. Into the room emerged White, pleasantly dissatisfied. “This infighting is going to give me a headache,” she said. Her eyes fixed onto Bronagh. “Bronagh? Are you crying?”

Bronagh shivered, shaking her head. 

“She’s losing her sanity,” Yadira butted in. “Ever since Vivi got her surgery, she has been going downhill.”

“Is that so?” White smiled. “Don’t be sad, moonlight… you are a _Diamond_. Smile, sit pretty, and give a good wave.”

“What did that girl say?” Yadira demanded.

“Pearl’s one of the most mysterious I’ve met. But, the husband, Greg, is the most straightforward out there, even in a trial aiming to have them lose,” White reported. “He says that his wife is Peony disguised with plastic surgery. A tale about poor physical health, pills, and hiding.” She brushed her hair back behind her ear, her arm moving with graceful flair.

“He lies,” Yadira spoke up, disgruntled. 

“Guilty until proven otherwise,” White grinned in agreement. “I’ve sent another dispatch to retrieve any evidence from the household. I assume it to be a waste of my time since they'll find nothing anyway.” She chuckled lightly. “But, I do _love_ a good show.”

“Vivi is gone…” Bronagh whined quietly.

“This is depressing,” White frowned. “Don’t ruin your composure. Stand straight, and never shed a tear.” She snapped her fingers. “In the meantime, come along. Let us treat ourselves to a feast as we wait.”

Yadira hesitated. Then, she at last moved, exiting the room. Bronagh hesitated longer than Yadira did, and when she finally reached the doorway, White halted her.

“If you’re grieving, Bronagh, how about you consider a painless way to numb it? You can’t stand as authority in a state like that,” White said.

Bronagh staggered her breath. “Painless…?”

White cast a wide and wicked smile. “If you can not control your emotions, I can always offer a surgical solution.” 

Much to say she was displeased when the offer was turned down, as White, a natural born leader, sewed the seeds of perfectionism and elite promise. “Alright, decline my suggestion. … All I do is my best to help.” No matter the cost.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Yadira marched down the hallway, paying no heed to the inner structure of the courthouse. 

_“What’s the matter, sunlight?”_

_“You were right about him.”_

_“Of course I am. It’s human instinct to run off after populating.”_

_“He was so… infatuating…”_

_“Infatuating is short lived, Yadira. You should have listened to me. I’m looking out for you.” White sipped her tea, then raised a brow at Yadira. “What are you going to do about it?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“It’s probably too late for an abortion now. You could put the offspring up for adoption.” White tapped her mug. “Or… an heir can be your successor.”_

_“I’m in no position to take care of a child. Much less one whose father ran off for some other girl, and took some of my money with him,” Yadira countered._

_“I can provide loans. Anything, for a perfect heir,” White hummed. “Yes… an heir. Someone to carry the Diamond name after we are long gone.”_

_“I beg the intrusion, but I don’t think a child from me with that petty man can be any good.”_

_“Bronagh is infertile, or so I’m told. I’m too old and frail to try. Peony has none, as we all know. She was too childish and incapable. But you? Yadira, don’t waste this precious chance.” White held a hand over her heart. “We will become immortal.”_

Yadira held back a frown. 

_Anything, for a perfect heir._

So Yadira thought, and she thought again. To give up her daughter, or try and recover her again to get her tended to. An heir, a successor, the most perfect being alive. Immortality would run in the blood of only Diamonds, Empire City always in their palms. It was what White had always spoken of. Throughout her pregnancy, mantras of possibility were fed to her like sweet chocolates. When Peridot had been born, there had been a _hope_ that she was perfect, but hopes are just threads of spool to cut apart. Peridot was an odd one from the start. She was so odd, that Yadira had been _embarrassed_ to flaunt her to the other Diamonds. Instead, she told them of her daughter’s incompetence, and also her daughter’s damages. Money, time, and countless doctors, but none could provide. She had birthed a failure, who White would disapprove of. This link would _destroy_ their Diamond status, and rake their name into the mid.

She couldn’t stop now. She had been close before, and now that she knew that Bronagh was mentally slipping, she could avoid mistakes in the future.

… She had to find Peridot again, and see to the surgery herself.

_Anything, for a perfect heir. Our hierarchy is crumbling. We need a successor to rise our name out of this darkness, and destroy the rebellious fractions of weakness._


	68. Week Nine - Lapis, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis’ life so far in a foreign place. Steven’s state remains unknown, and Lapis can’t take her mind off things.
> 
> CW: Dirty joke at the beginning

“If I had a band, I would name it Nancy and the Diamonds!” 

“I’m pretty sure half of that is already copyrighted,” I mumbled, toying with the steamed broccoli on my plate. This… fancy food wasn’t my… usual. It’s just so… expensive? So… weird… too fucking fancy if you ask me. I’d literally be fine with just a hot dog or homemade salad. A granola bar even would’ve been better than this.

“What would you name your band?” Nancy gushed. 

“Blue waffle,” I stated with no emotion whatsoever.

Beside me, Mary choked on her food. I grinned devilishly. 

Charlotte cleared her throat. “Enough,” she scolded me. “Eat your dinner, all three of you girls. That includes you, my little selkie,” she said to me.

I cringed.

_ I’m going to lose my sanity here. _

I’ve already snooped around the place when I was able to, and made mental notes of places that I could try and escape from. Despite the fancy showers, the glittering decor, the high quality bed sheets and all that junk, it’s… not my home. This isn’t my family. I don’t care what Charlotte says, she is not my mother.

_ Even if you were, you sold me. If what you are saying is true… _

“Mooom, can I get a dog too?!” Nancy whined.

“We’ve already talked about this, Nancy,” Charlotte sighed. “Lapis got a dog as a welcome gift back home.”

“No, no, a dog for her too is fine,” Charlotte’s husband- who I’ve also come to dislike, intervened. “What kind of dog, dear?” He’s too quick to roll over for whatever his daughters want. He spoils them. 

“What about a poodle?” Nancy squealed.

“German shepherd,” Mary added.

“Poodle!” Nancy frowned.

“German shepherd!” Mary argued back.

I watched, entertained and also disgusted.

_ Fucking spoiled brats. Thank god I wasn’t raised like this. _

The dog that Charlotte mentioned is named Pumpkin. She’s this tiny Pomeranian, with a goofy big tongue always lolling out of her mouth and a tail so poofy that I don’t know where her back begins and her tail ends. She’s still a puppy too. Of course purebred because… this family is obsessed with being like Jeff Bezos or something. 

_ All this money could be used for better things. Yet here I am eating steamed broccoli and fancy ass chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy. Hell, there’s even dessert after this. _

But I can’t complain. People would die to have this.

_ I just wish Steven could be a part of this too… _

_ I hope he’s doing okay… _

This feels like a prison. I didn’t speak the rest of dinner, nor did I join for dessert. This home also has servants, something I find to be… kind of unnerving. People shouldn’t be slaves.

_ Just like how kids shouldn’t be abused. _

_ But the world wants us all to suffer. Yet somehow I don’t get the worst of it, and I’ve done more bad things than Peridot I bet. _

I’ve been missing people ever since I got here. Steven, obviously, and Greg and Rose… but also Pearl, Peridot, Blue, Volley… and then also Jasper… 

_ I want her to hug me right now. _

_ I want to fall asleep in her arms. _

_ We haven’t had a proper talk in forever. I… miss her. _

I closed the door once in my room, stopping when I heard a bark followed by scratching at my door. Must be Pumpkin… I opened the door again to let her in, then shut it. I watched as the orange puppy ran around in circles before she settled down by my bed, where I proceeded to scoop her up so that she could lie on my sheets.

_ She reminds me of Lion. A bit more energetic though. _

I flopped down onto my bed. Pumpkin wiggled beside me, making grunts and yips.

“What do you want?” I huffed at her, petting her head. Pumpkin barked. I put a blanket over her so that she could settle down, and she almost immediately made herself comfortable underneath it.

_ … I wish I didn’t throw my phone into the ocean… I could’ve been able to stay in touch with Steven… And Jasper. I could’ve also asked Peridot-... whenever she is. _

I have to play this carefully. I could risk being brought back here or punished. Which, I assume because Charlotte seems hellbent on keeping me here. I’ve been showered with nonsense since day one. Pumpkin is one of those nonsense gifts. Probably the only good one too.

I slowly rolled my hand over the blanket mound that was Pumpkin, enjoying the company. It wasn’t much, but… she’s the only thing I have right now. I’m not sure if I’ll bring her with me when I decide to get out of here. If I do, she could be a new friend for Steven. I think they’d get along well.

_ I just hope he’s doing okay... _

I stared at my windows, daydreaming of when I could get out of here. My nose is feeling better, especially when Charlotte took me to a private nurse yesterday to get it looked at. I’ve also asked her if I could learn to drive, a part of my plan to get out of here and also finally be able to drive on the road so that perhaps I could take Steven with me too. 

I’ve endured so much bullshit here, sometimes lied my way through or toned down on my remarks and attitude so that I could secretly initiate an escape plan. I made sure that it was gradual too, so that nobody would be suspicious of my sudden ‘adjustment’ to my ‘new home’. It hasn’t been a week yet, but I sure can probably get Charlotte all around my little finger if I didn’t slip. I could get medical aid, I could get more clothes and food, I could get a car and a new phone, I could get everything that I need to hit the road.

_ And once I’m on the road, it’s just gonna be me and Steven. Pumpkin too maybe. We’re gonna go far away from here, far away from everything. We’re gonna get away from everyone that wants to hurt us. We’ll be fine. We’ll be free.  _

_ First… I need to assemble everything. _

Pumpkin peeked out from the blankets. I pet her head. … Alright, I’ll bring her with us if I can. She deserves a better life than being here, being fattened up and living like another Barbie doll to this family. Trust me, I’ve seen pictures of their last dog. The poor chihuahua didn’t stand a chance...


	69. Week Ten - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot finds help in her quest.

I never thought I’d end up here, digging through the trash of restaurants to find food. I saw some other people so it, so… I mean why not give it a shot right? It’s gross and it’s disgusting but food is food! I can’t be too picky!

OH gross that one had maggots on it… 

I backed away from the trash bin, having no luck finding anything to eat. My stomach growled. I wish I could find some more fruit samples like that street market yesterday...

_ I know, I know, I’ll try my best!  _

Food isn’t as easy as finding drinking fountains or places that have bathrooms to the public. I could try food stamps or homeless shelters, but… gosh what if someone recognizes me?! Or turns me in again?! I’ve seen some… posters? POSTERS of a missing person with a GIGANTIC REWARD around the city lately. It had to be my mother- it had to be! The description was basically describing me!! So now I have to be EXTRA careful when I run through crowds!

_ How am I supposed to get anywhere without food?! And gosh once I’m out of the city it’s gonna be actual survival time where I gotta eat bugs and hunt my own food if I don’t find anything!  _

_ Ugh… I can’t do this alone… _

_ Without my friends, I’m nothing… _

_ I’m so worthless, useless- I’m a clod!  _

I stopped when I heard the back door of the restaurant open, my heart beating fast.

_ Uh oh. Am I busted?! _

_ Peridot, RUN!!! _

But I didn’t. I stayed put, frozen with fear.

_ I’m so dead I’m so dead I’m so dead they’re gonna report me to the police-!!! _

_ GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD-. _

“I thought I heard something back here,” an elderly voice greeted me. An old woman with frizzy white hair stepped out of the restaurant, wearing an apron and a small pair of glasses. “I thought it was the raccoon from last week.” She took another look at me. I gulped. “My… you’re rather young, aren’t you? What are you doing back here scrounging for scraps?” She spoke slow, which didn’t help my nervousness about the situation.

I found it hard to talk. “I- I-... I was uh…” I nervously trembled.

“Don’t be shy, pum-cake, I ain’t gonna hurt you,” the old lady assured me. “Where’s your family? Are you lost?” Does she always talk slowly like that?

“No…” I murmured. “Just… browsing around and uh… I’m gonna… go now.”

“Well now that I know it ain’t the raccoon… stay there for a second, alright dear?”

I was dumbfounded. OH NO MAYBE SHE WANTS TO TURN ME IN!!!

I rubbed my hands together. “Please don’t turn me in!! I promise I’ll go now!!” I begged. “Just please please PLEASE don’t-!”

“I don’t know what you’re gaggling about, but I ain’t turning anybody in, you hear?” The old lady turned around. “I know how some people can be with homeless folk, but I ain’t like the rest of them. No siree.”

_ Huh-? _

“Here you go, I’m not sure if you like ham or turkey, but let me know if you need anything.” The woman handed over a lunch bag to me.

I blinked.

_ She… she’s giving me food…? _

I stared.

IS IT POISONED?!

“Go on now, it’s gonna get warm,” the woman beckoned. “It’s got a carton of milk, a water bottle, some diced up fruits and vegetables and a deli sandwich.”

_ She… she is giving me food… unpoisoned food... _

_ DID THE GODS HEAR MY PRAYER?! I'M SO GOING TO CHURCH AFTER THIS. _

I hesitantly took the bag. “... Thank you,” I said, stars in my eyes.

“I know it ain’t my business, but how’d you end up out here?” She asked me. “Did you get kicked out for some ridiculous reason? I know some kids who get kicked out just for being themselves, makes me want to take a crowbar and just-.”

“I ran away,” I admitted, hugging the lunch bag close to my chest. 

“Ah, a runaway?”

“Yeah… it’s ah- it’s complicated.”

“I understand. You need to go into any details, hon, if you don't want to. I’ve seen some kids go through the same thing before.” The old woman shook her head slowly. “If you need anything, just come on by and say that Fluorite knows you, alright?”

_ Can this be?! A new ally? _

I nodded. “Yes ma’am!” I saluted. I’m so grateful for this meal oh my gosh-.

_ Yes… ma’am…. _

_ Just like how I used to respond to my mother…. _

I watched as the lady went back into the restaurant, then I peered into the lunch bag.

_ Foooodddd…. _

At least now I have something to fill me up and something to distract me while I figure out how I’m going to get around! I’ll walk around some more and if I can’t get anywhere, I’ll come back here.

_ I’m making allies! I trust that lady, she seems nice… _

_ Yes ma’am… yes ma’am… _

_ I hate that word… ma’am. Ma’am this and ma’am that. PERIDOT, REFER TO ME AS MA’AM! I ALSO WANNA CUT INTO YOUR HEAD!!! I AM GONNA SCRAMBLE YOUR BRAINS!! _

I took out the sandwich from the bag, plucking the tomatoes and pickles off before I began to chow down.

* * *

  
  
  


As it turns out, the bus system won’t let me onboard without a pass or paying a fee, walking on foot could take forever, taxis require money, I can’t drive, and I don’t want to risk hitchhiking because I could be killed! This city is so BIG! I’m small! I’m an ANT in this city!! Oh how do people get anywhere?! With money, duh!! Something I don’t have!!

_ I’m broke I can’t go anywhere- _

_ That old lady earlier said I could always go to her for help… _

_ OH! What if she can take me to my friends?! GOOD IDEA! I’m so smart. Why, thank you, Peridot! Aha!! _

Although my attempts to escape this city on my own proved to be futile, there is still hope for me! A chance! I just hope that the lady is on my side and understands my situation…

I walked through the city, avoiding the bigger crowds and rushing through for the most part as the sun began to set. Have I been busy all day? Wow. Time sure flies by when you’re trying to get back to your friends… I wonder where Pearl is. She was there when they…

When… they…

I paused.

Blank.

When they uh…

…

Where am I? Oh! Yeah, go back to my friends. They’ll help me and I’ll help them- we will work together and cooperate to increase our chance of survival!

I rubbed my arms, shaking my head. I had to stop at a light to wait for the crosswalk to give the go to cross, and I stood there with some other people. Scary people. Big, scary, business looking people. I crouched slightly, becoming just as small as I felt. One man lay an eye on me, and boy did I shake. I said nothing. I waited like a good person. And once the light signaled for us to cross, I bolted across the street. What if that person was looking at me because he was going to turn me in?! Peridot, you need to stop being in public, period!

_ I think it was north?? Or was it south… no, had to be north I remember that flower shop past the restaurant… _

I examined my setting closely, not wanting to miss a single detail. One clue could lead me toward or further away from the restaurant! I’m doing this as I go along if you can’t tell. Yeah I’m a wreck, but at least I’m not a wreck big enough to destroy economies!

_ Gotta find that one detail… let’s see, I took a turn up here and then I found this shop before-... _

_ Uhhh…. _

_ OH! THERE! _

I only stopped running when I had gained a side stitch, soon walking up to the restaurant where I had met the lady earlier.

_ Is this place still open? _

I don’t see a closed sign… Hmm… I guess it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot… 

I pushed open the glass door, welcomed to a blast of cool air conditioning. The setup of the restaurant reminded me of the kinds in old movies- like you know the ones that have those spinny chairs at a counter or bar thingie and then tables with cushy red seats? Booths? Yeah, they’re called booths. Whoa, it has a gumball machine too?! My mouth watered as I watched a waitress carry some milkshakes out to a booth of teenage girls, envying the look of the blended ice cream.

_ I gotta get a milkshake one day… look at that! AND WITH SOME OREOS?? OH MY STARS… _

“We close in a few, are you wanting a booth or a table?” Someone interrupted my daydream of frozen desserts. 

“Uhh… Fluorite? There- is there a Fl- okay, so, this lady told me to come here and say that Fluorite-“ I feel so embarrassed right now.

“Oh!! You know her? Oh I’m so sorry, please forgive me!” The waitress in front of me said. She had curly hair, and wore a red apron. “Did she give you a meal?”

I nodded my head, slowly.

“You can come here to the back, she’s not busy right now. We’re about to close anyway.” The waitress led me to the back of the restaurant and behind an employees only door. I’m… kinda confused on what’s going on… “Fluorite! Do you know this kid?”

I stood in the doorway, unable to process what was happening. AM I GOING TO DIE? MAYBE THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. OH NONONONO-.

“C'mere a bit closer, my eyes are- ah. Yes, I know her, Rhodonite. Did you enjoy the meal, dear?” The woman I had encountered earlier was washing dishes with somebody else.

I breathed in. Okay, so I am not going to die, that’s a big relief. “It was the best thing I’ve ever had and I’ve had a lot,” I answered. “I mean, not a lot- but it’s genuinely like THE BEST sandwich I’ve ever had…”

“I’m always happy to hear that,” the elderly woman laughed. “What brings you back here? I have some more sandwiches in the back if you need-“

“Oh uh- I don’t need another sandwich, thank you,” I declined politely, “you said that if I- if I need anything, I can come back.”

“Fluorite, I’m going to sign out for the day,” the waitress informed on the side, exiting the kitchen.

“That’s fine, Rhodonite. Be safe, alright?” Fluorite hummed with a smile.

“Hi, Rho!” The girl with blonde hair beside the old woman giggled, putting a plate onto the drying rack. 

“Now, what's that you need?” Fluorite refocused on me.

I scratched the back of my head, stepping aside to let the waitress pass. “It’s… it’s um… I mean, if you- if you can, do you think-...?”

_ Peridot, stop being so nervous! You know what happens if you-! _

I wiggled one arm. 

_ But… my mother isn’t here right now… _

_ I… _

_ I can be careless about how I talk… _

I wiggled my arm again.

Then again.

And again. I cleared my throat. I felt… calmer now.

“Do you think you can help me get a ride to the state over?” I finally asked, having too much fun swinging my arm. Why does this feel... liberating? Why can’t I stop? Oh no, maybe I am broken-!

“Keystone state?” Fluorite guessed.

“Delmarva, actually,” I shyly corrected. “It’s kinda on the way to Keystone, I think-“

“What for?”

“My friends- I think that I should get back to them,” I explained. “They must be waiting for me, probably wondering if I’m dead or alive if they care- I’m sure at least one cares, I mean I’m pretty unforgettable, I’m kind of a big deal-“

“Padparadscha, can you go check my purse for me?” Fluorite requested from the girl washing dishes with her. “I might have a bus pass or some change in there…”

“You’re really nice,” I blurted without thinking. But, at least it wasn’t something terrible so… yeah. 

“I give the world what it can’t give us,” Fluorite said. She put down some utensils that she had cleaned, taking the change that the blonde girl fetched for her. “We could really use some more kindness…”

“You’re wiggling your arm!” The girl beamed, staring at me. I couldn’t see her eyes much, but she seemed super happy. 

I stopped immediately, thinking I was going to get punished now that someone pointed it out. Even if my mother isn’t here, I…-

“I do this,” the girl flicked her hands. “It’s so much fun! Hi, I’m Padparadscha.”

“Uh- hi,” I gulped, keeping my hands close to my body. 

“Rhodonite just left,” she frowned, turning to Fluorite. 

_ That waitress? Wait- but she- but she left like minutes ago- wait what the heck-? _

I was so confused.

“That’s alright, she signed out,” Fluorite assured. 

_ What…-? _

“Here, it should be enough for a trip or two that far,” Fluorite handed over some change to me. “Would you like a meal before you go? If you’d like, you can stay the night and go in the morning. Much safer, I reckon, dear.”

_ I can’t say no to free food- come on, Peridot, say yes!!  _

I nodded. 

“Padparadscha and I will have these dishes done in a moment. Then, you can come with us to the apartment.”

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


The apartment complex that this woman lived in actually wasn’t that far! And on top of that, she made me a meal of homemade spaghetti with tomato sauce and Parmesan cheese. Let me tell you, it’s HEAVEN.

_ These people are so nice, especially that older lady.  _

Fluorite lives here with some people who work at the restaurant, as I’ve learned over the dinner table. They call themselves employees at the restaurant called the Off-Color, an… odd name but hey if you can have a restaurant called Crapitto's in Texas, it sounds normal. There’s about five people who live here, and their names are Rhodonite, Padparadscha, Rutile, and of course Fluorite. Rutile counts as two because she’s a Siamese twin. They all were nice to me, and some of them even are like me! Padparadscha has delayed responses and she’s autistic like me. Rhodonite has some anxiety, Rutile goes by that name together, and Fluorite houses them all in good nature, taking care of them all and enjoying some company after the death of her five wives back in her home state where there had been an awful cold going around. Fluorite says that everyone here came to her in similar ways like I did; runaways, from abusive homes or from awful treatments, so she gave them a new family and a better home. She says that she believes they were led to her by the spirits of her wives. But when everyone asked for my name and my story… I gave them none. Because to be frank, I… don’t know who I am.

“Is that comfy?” Fluorite asked me, giving a blanket to me. I was put on the couch in the living room, so I guess I can think of this as if I’m at Pearl’s.

_ I wish I was at Pearl’s… _

“Yes, thank you,” I nodded, getting comfy on the couch. “I- I mean it. Thank you- thank you so so much.”

“Anytime, hon,” Fluorite smiled. “We usually get up at six, but you’re free to leave when you’re ready.”

“Thank you,” I said again. She suggested that I take the train route to Delmarva, where it can take me to Charm City, and packed a few sandwiches that I can take with me on my journey. I’m telling you, these people are like the moms I’ve never had! Which, puzzles me because… why are strangers nicer to me than my own parent? All I had was my mother, yet these people who I’ve known for less than a day are already more kind and caring than my mother has been to me my entire life.

… I… think that’s sad.


	70. Week Ten - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot takes a train for the first time.

I woke up a bit late, but that’s not too big of a deal since I was told that I could leave whenever I was ready. To be polite, I folded up my blanket and left it nicely on the couch. I took a quick shower so that I wouldn’t stink so much, and I even washed my clothes! I feel so accomplished and independent! I’m making it out here! 

There was just one teeny tiny small itty bitty problem though… those posters I saw in the city… what if they expanded out towards Delmarva too? What if I got caught and turned back in to my mom-?! Okay, so I can’t let that happen. Because if that happens, then I can’t get back to my friends, and then I’m going to forever be miserable! I was given a second chance! I can’t waste it!

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, studying myself closely. I stared some more, and some more. Then, I got an idea. I found some scissors, and went to work.

* * *

  
  
  


So I’m definitely not a barber… oh my stars this is so choppy. WHAT EVEN IS THAT PIECE STICKING UP?! Chop it away, Peridot, chop it away! This is going to grow back so uneven… one more little snip and… done!

I admired my new hairstyle in the mirror, shaking out as much as I can. I gathered all my chopped hair into a garbage bag, frowning at the bits and pieces that stuck up on my head. It’s a very close cut for sure, I mean it kind of reminds me of as if I shaved my head but without the evenness. Maybe this can help deter away anyone looking for me? Ew, my shirt is itchy after cutting my hair- I should’ve worn something over it! Oh well… live and learn I guess, I don’t know...

_I look like a guy. PAH, I LOOK LIKE PERCY. THAT’S PERFECT._

Satisfied- or as satisfied as I can be without being too picky- I left the bathroom, grabbing the pre-packed lunch bags on the counter that Fluorite had prepped for me. This should be able to last me the trip there… and then once I’m with my friends again, we can celebrate with more food! No more drinking fountain water, no more mushy vegetables...

I put the change into my pocket meant for my journey, then I headed out the door. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to lock it or not…? Maybe if I just shut the door super good… I’m sure somebody has the key back in…

I wish I could tell Fluorite thank you one last time. She was one of the kindest people to me…

I kept the lunch bags in my arms, regretting the fact that I wasn’t able to get my backpack. When I got dragged away from Pearl’s place, there hadn’t been time for anything! They just… took me just like that!! 

Now, to walk towards that train station Fluorite was talking about… I promise, Steven, I’ll be back soon! And to Lapis and Pearl! I’m coming back!

* * *

  
  


I’ve never been on a train before. This is so weird…! Look at the windows! And seats! It’s like a bus but it’s on tracks! It’s nothing fancy, but it’s something new! Something strange!! I couldn’t stop looking out my window, watching city buildings become trees as the train rolled along. I kept to myself, I didn’t talk to other passengers, I sat neatly with my lunch bags with high hopes. I’m so close! I can’t believe that I’ve come this far! I must be a natural born survivor to be enduring this much mileage in the journey!

I’ve never seen Empire City like this either. I know, I know that sounds silly since my mom is a big business woman and all, but I didn’t get to leave or go out much! I know this place has water, but… whoa… look at those ports and ships… Imagine how pretty it would be at night!! All the lights and all the planes and cars… a lot of smog clogging up the air- that’s a human issue that plagues our earth daily- but there’s beauty outside of that!

There’s… beauty outside of that…

I sighed, looking into the lunch bags. Water and some snacks… a sandwich… 

_There’s… beauty… in places that I couldn’t look before._

I should’ve left later. I could’ve gotten the chance to see all this hullabaloo at night. Who knows when I’ll get another chance like this?

_But at least I’ll be with my friends soon…_

I returned to staring out my window, resting my chin on my arm.

* * *

A few hours passed. I ate some of the snacks in the lunch bags, and my only entertainment was still watching my window. My poor tablet must be missing me by now! And I miss it too because I’m missing updates on that one Percy and Pierre fanfiction!! Ugh!!

The train stopped at another station, allowing me to get up and investigate out of sheer boredom. I left my lunch bags on my seat to keep it reserved. 

_Can I go see the other cars? I don’t know if I should leave the proximity of my seat…_

_Maybe I should stay in the same car… just in case._

I ended up staying in the same car as my seat, only leaving for a second to use the bathroom and come back. Though when I did, there was now someone else in the same car as me. I stared at them, wondering if they could use me as a toothpick because of how big they were. I said nothing, innocently getting back to my seat. The anticipation was KILLING me. Maybe they’re friendly too! Maybe I can make more allies! I gotta try!! I gotta! 

Ooh but I’m shy- that person is HUGE. What if I DIE?! Would that really be worth it for friendship?!? Or what if this person turns me in?! They’re just sitting across from me! It’s not that many steps! Come on, Peridot!! Socialize!! Your life so far has been absolute SCREAMING IN PAIN! Relax!! Make some friends and make merry, that person is probably a girl and girls are cute-!

GET YOUR BUTT OVER THERE- there, was that so hard?

_Don’t talk to them, maybe it’s a trap!_

_But then it’s gonna be a super awkward ride with someone else in the same car and it’s PURE SILENCE!_

_But what if they know who you are?! What if they’ve seen the posters?!_

I really don’t know what came over me next. “Hi!” I waved awkwardly, approaching them. “Ah- hi, I’m uh- I’m…” Oh my god why didn’t I think of a name?? Who am I?? Peridot? Sure but- no. Uh- “I’m Percy.”

_OH YEAH GO WITH THE FANDOM STUFF, NERD. JUST LIKE WITH WHAT WAS HIS NAME… THE GUY AT THE LIBRARY. Remember him? I don’t._

The stranger just stared at me.

It’s like the back of my neck was sweating. I held a hand out to them. “And you… are…?” I attempted to goad conversation. The more we stared at each other, the more positive I became with thinking I saw a scar or scratch or something across their nose.

_WHY DID I DO THIS? THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING._

The stranger said nothing. I pulled my hand away, making a straight face. I scratched my head.

_STUPID STUPID AAAARGGHHH._

“Just go back to your seat, runt,” the stranger huffed. I flinched when I felt the train moving again, rubbing my hands together.

“Right! I’ll do that! I’ll do that right now!” I laughed, still awkwardly. “Um… if you’re hungry, I got snacks- if you want some- I got a lot-“

“Quit bothering me,” the stranger frowned. “Do you want to be beaten to a pulp?”

I gulped. “Oh okay so you’re not uh… you’re not social. I get it- yeah okay- uh-... I’m… I am gonna go back to my seat-“I pointed, slowly backing away.

_YOU ARE SOOO STUPID._

“Stupid, stupid, what are you even thinking?! You’re halfway back to Steven and Lapis and you’re going to get yourself killed! Not everybody is nice, you’re gonna get turned in and it’s gonna suck!” I whispered in ranting to myself. “You clod! Clod, clod, clAAAAAOOOOH MY GOSH.” I jumped, realizing the stranger was standing over me. “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME LOOK I AM GOING BACK TO MY SEAT NOW-!”

“Did you say Lapis?” The stranger said.

“Did I??” I trembled. 

“Lapis who? What’s her last name?”

“Do you… know her?” I asked, unable to make eye contact. 

“If it’s Lapis Universe, I’m her girlfriend,” the big person informed me.

I froze. “ _Girlfriend?”_ I echoed.

“Got a problem with that?”

“NO! Nononono-. It’s just… funny, because I’m her friend! See, I got separated from her and now I’m-.”

“Do you know where she is?”

“At Pearl’s- wait, you know who Pearl is right? If you don’t, she-“

“Pearl’s?”

“Yeah! In Beach City?”

“I checked Lapis’ house and wherever else she might be here.” The stranger crossed their arms. “She’s not in Beach City either. I was just there.”

“Then why are you on this train?”

“Car broke down.”

It dawned on me. _She’s… not in Beach City?_

“H-how do you know she’s not in Beach-“

“Unless you know the specific house she’s at, I didn’t find her. End of story,” the stranger grimaced. “She won’t answer her phone.”

“Yeah I know the specific house! If you’re her girlfriend, I can help you! We can find Lapis together!” I gasped. “We can be friends! Navigators!” I cleared my throat, a hand on my chest rather proudly. “I’m a pretty good navigator if I say so myself. I know my directions and I’ve survived-“

“I’m not looking to make friends.”

“Wow, you sound just like Lapis. No wonder she’s your girlfriend!”

_Girlfriend… wait. Is this… IS THIS- IS THIS THE PERSON LAPIS MEANT TO SEND THAT LEWD PHOTO TO-._

I cringed at the memory.

“Do you know the house she’s at?” The stranger demanded, getting to the point.

I nodded my head.

The other person exhaled. They hesitantly introduced themself. “Name’s Jasper.” She cracked a knuckle. “Take me to Lapis, and maybe I’ll consider sparing you.”

“Hee- that’s a joke, right?” I raised a brow.

Jasper growled.

“Oh. Oh okay-... y-yeah. I’ll take you to Lapis. Can’t keep lovers from waiting and-“ I stopped, seeing Jasper’s face. “I’ll… keep quiet.”

“That’s the best option,” Jasper agreed, sitting back down.

I eventually sat back down at my own seat, a bit shook up.

_Well… you made a new ally… even if she’s… scary._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Peridot, honey, Lapis isn’t at Pearl’s... 😔


	71. Week Ten - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis is already growing tired of living in the mansion.
> 
> CW/TW: Depression/suicidal themes

I’ve heard about soul trains before. When you’re destined to go, when your time is up, when you just… aren’t meant to be saved, a train or whatever kind of other obstacle stops the ambulance from reaching you. That day when I tried to let the water take me… I think that Steven was the only person to deny my soul train. He doesn’t know it, he doesn’t even know about it, but he’s the reason I keep fighting.

I don’t think being here is helping my mental state. I can’t stop _worrying_ about Steven. I keep telling myself it’s going to get better once I’m out of here and back with my brother, but in the meantime? It’s fucking hell.

It feels like an unreal television episode. I feel like I’m watching myself in third person. The thing about being like this is that it comes in waves, and those waves can be influenced by what happens in your life. It can get worse or better, but the thing is- it doesn’t just _go away_.

Maybe I’m looking too much into this.

I’m so deprived of any contact with people I _know_ , people I’ve grown comfortable to be around with. I’m stuck here, with people I don’t even know. People I’ve known for less than a week. It’s equivalent to being by myself.

_… Which probably is for the best._

Pumpkin barked, chasing a butterfly around the garden. This place on the property is easily one of my favorites. Or, only favorite. It’s quiet, it’s far away from people, literally the only people I see are the people tending to the bushes and grass. 

I’ve gotten Charlotte to buy me some books recently to help pass the time here. I’m currently reading a morbid book called _Of Mice and Men_. It’s best when I have some music in the background. Mumford and Sons appears to be a good match with this book. For now I have a Walkman, but I should be getting a phone soon.

_And once I have what I need, I’ll be getting out of here._

_Until then?_

_… Endure, and survive. Find something to live for._

“You’re out here _again_?”

I didn’t look up. “Mary, go away,” I said.

“Who even goes outside anymore?” Mary yawned.

“You’re out here,” I pointed out. There is _no_ way she is my sister. 

“Mom wants you in for lunch,” Mary hummed. “So put that… book down and-“ She saw Pumpkin, grimacing, “- bring that dog in too.”

“What’s your deal?” I stood up, putting my book down. “That first day we met… what did Charlotte stop you from saying?” I confronted her.

Mary raised a brow.

“I’m not stupid,” I said.

“Just come and get some food,” Mary rolled her eyes, walking away. 

I huffed. “... Thanks for nothing,” I muttered, grabbing my book. “Come on, Pumpkin.” The puppy rolled in a grass patch before she followed after me. She gave a few yaps, weaving herself around my legs. I swear, she’s made of energy from head to toe. She only sleeps when she’s tuckered herself out. I guess the exercise is good for her though.

_And she’s the only thing keeping me sane here._

I’ve grown... attached to her. I never saw myself owning a pet. I guess the animals Rose owned rubbed off on me.

_Steven would love to meet you, Pumpkin…_

“Finally you show up,” Charlotte warmly smiled as I entered the dining room. “It’s grilled chicken with buttered white rice and steamed vegetables. Would you like a smoothie, my little selkie?”

_That name she calls me is killing me._

“I literally would’ve been fine with like… Taco Bell or something,” I said, sitting down nonetheless. Food is food, even if I take only like two bites of it.

“Isn’t that the stuff that makes you poop a lot?” Mary laughed. Nancy joined her.

“I’m a shitty person. What’s the difference besides where it comes out?” I retorted. I noticed the knife beside my plate, grabbing it to stab my chicken with.

“Lapis,” Charlotte frowned at me in disapproval.

“It’s a joke,” I lied. “... Sorry.” I put the knife down, eating a singular broccoli.

_But it’s true._

_And what sucks is that I have to act like I’m on their good side. I can’t do anything I want to do unless I want to risk losing everything. I don’t know Charlotte’s true intentions here, or what anybody here is hiding from me, fuck, I need to stay here and get the essentials so that I can take Steven and I to a better place, whenever that would be._

_But…_

_I am… a shitty person._

_… I’m a shitty person. I didn’t tell Pearl about what Jasper told me, I threatened her with a knife-..._

I stared blankly at the knife beside my plate.

My breathing slowed. I know that kind of silverware. 

I held it too, and it felt… just like...

Is this… room getting smaller? Or is it just me?

_You threatened her with a knife._

_Remember what she looked like? That… fear, that horror… that same emotion you saw in Steven._

_He saw you. He saw you threaten her with that knife. And he was…_ afraid _of you._

_He was afraid of you._

_He’s better off without you._

“Are you going to eat?” Charlotte asked me. At least, that’s what I think she said. My eyes and body didn’t move. I don’t think I heard her completely. All I could hear was my own breathing.

_You’re a shitty person._

I remember that one scene in that book I was reading, the scene where Lenny accidentally kills that girl…

_You’re dangerous,_

_You’re a shitty person._

I remember that night where Peridot was afraid of me too.

_What was I thinking? What if I..._

_You’re a shitty person._

_You’re a shitty person._

“I… I need to be excused,” I blurted, my environment becoming a blur. People’s mouths moved but no sound came out. I felt sick to my stomach. I rushed away to my room.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


I can’t sleep. I sat in my room all day, lied when Charlotte came and checked on me by saying I’m just hormonal because it’s that time of the month or whatever, I couldn’t even find myself to be happy with Pumpkin for long. She keeps me company, but… she isn’t a bad mood killer. Forget what time it is. I haven’t even actually had my period in a while because of how stressed I am. Ugh… I need to get laid.

I kept my gaze on my ceiling, watching as shadows ached by. My tired eyelids couldn’t find the effort to close. Pumpkin was effortlessly snoozing away at the foot of my bed. I’m jealous that she can sleep peacefully.

_… you’re a shitty person._

That mantra keeps… haunting me. I’m not sure why. The image of the knife kept flashing in my mind. 

_You’re… a shitty person._

_But, at least I know I am and that I can admit it unlike other shitty people._

_… Fucking narcissist._

I sat up, rubbing my face. I gently pat Pumpkin so that I wouldn’t wake her up, then I wandered over to the doors of my balcony. I opened them, and proceeded to step outside.

The night air was cool and crisp, but also warm enough for me to forget any plans to go back inside. The moon was a crescent, a sliver like a curved claw glimmering in the dark. It was almost… welcoming. Inviting.

My eyes wavered, dangerously eyeing the earth below.

_Who’s to stop you from jumping?_

_You could see your parents again._

_If you don’t get a concussion or broken bone first, you’d probably end up just in more pain than you’re already in._

_...Not worth it. Sorry._

I leaned against the railing, finding no energy or motivation in my body. I just wanted to stay here forever; in the quiet, in the calm, with nobody around me. I stayed out there, basking in the night.

It’s better this way I think. Nobody would get hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Kudos if you know what video game reference one of the lines in this chapter is from. I personally find it to be one of my favorite quotes.


	72. Week Ten - Peridot, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Jasper reach Pearl’s house with... disappointing results. Unfortunately they’re stuck traveling together again.
> 
> TW/CW: mentions/conversations about homophobia, sexuality, and character venting

“- and then when we passed by that one city, oh gosh that was AWESOME! That was my first time on a train! And the part where we could sleep ON THE TRAIN?! I didn’t even know you could legally do that!”

Jasper didn’t seem to be paying attention. But I kept talking because COME ON, it’s a TRAIN!! I’ve never been on one before!!! How is it NOT exciting?!?

“When we get to Beach City, I’m gonna ask Pearl about living arrangements. See, I can’t go back to where I’m originally from- it’s a long story- but I’m pretty much a pro survivor at this point-“

“Be quiet,” Jasper groaned.

I frowned, crossing my arms. 

We had gotten off at a station earlier after an overnight trip towards Delmarva, and we had been taking buses and walking since. Jasper has some money that she’s willing to spare for bus fares here and there. I’m… honestly super grateful that she’s been kind enough to let me tag along if she’s paying for everything. I don’t think I contributed much since I’m broke.

It’s been an alright journey though! We trudged and drove our way to Beach City, and it only took us about… like twenty four hours! Of course with breaks here and there- Jasper stopped at a gas station for some snacks at one bus stop which was amazing. I got some cheez its! We also took some breaks to just rest our legs. It’s been a wild ride.

I’ve learned that Jasper is NOT really a talkative person. She’s more of what I’d call a Lapis 2.0 Syndrome, with a stoic face and straight to the point, but also with muscle and she also seems to be a strong leader figure. If she’s Lapis’ girlfriend, I can kind of understand why Lapis chose her. It just makes it weird though also knowing that Lapis meant to send uh… suggestive… photos… to… her…

_What if I told Jasper that Lapis-_

_DO NOT DO THAT UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE._

Yeah, I’m not gonna say anything. Plus, Lapis said to keep it secret! Basically! If I remember…

Jasper nudged me, physically telling me to get a move on. I cleared my throat then continued walking, taking the lead the best I could to take both of us to Pearl’s. Now, this street maybe… or that one… we’ll try the first one.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


When we finally reached Pearl’s place, which was a bit easy thanks to Pearl living outside of a common neighborhood, Jasper and I stayed back. Something was... off. 

“...Whoa.” I watched the house, noting how it was practically claimed as under investigation. Yellow tape warded out anybody, and it looked like someone was posted in front of the house.

_That’s… weird… did this happen after the…_

I breathed in.

_After they… dragged me-..._

I breathed out, the faint image of blaring sirens and colliding colors of red and blue fading away.

_… away…_

“Pipsqueak, are you in there?” Jasper flicked my shoulder roughly. 

“Ow!” I yipped, rubbing my poor shoulder. “It’s Peri- Percy, it’s Percy, not pipsqueak!” 

“Those aren’t normal police…” Jasper commented.

“H-Huh?”

“Their uniforms, idiot,” Jasper pointed one out to me. “That’s Empire City officer uniforms.”

“So… what difference does that make?”

“Empire City police are operated almost strictly by the Diamonds. So that means whatever happened here is serious. They’re across the state border, for crying out loud.”

“I’m guessing we can’t go inside?” I concluded.

“What’s your guess?” Jasper sassed. “Come on. Where else would Lapis be?”

I nervously shrugged. “Umm… maybe…. uhhh…”

“I have no time for this.” Jasper began to walk off.

I waved my hands after her, panicking. “H-hey! Hey! What about me?! I’m the most important part of this navigation!!”

“If Lapis isn’t here, I don’t need you,” Jasper replied.

“I’m still great to have around! I- I can work my way with a map, I know how to ration food- I’ve been on the road before, I know how-!”

“Quiet, or they’re going to hear us.”

“Oh. Right. Sorry.” I slowly followed Jasper, a bit hesitantly too since I didn’t know how she’d react. “You have good eyes. Did you have a run in with Empire City forces before? Is that how you know-?”

“Quit it.”

_Sheesh, she’s like Lapis._

“I’m just genuinely curious,” I innocently hummed.

“It’s none of your business,” Jasper ignored me.

“It is too my business! My friends are still out there! Maybe they’re somewhere nearby?”

“Forget it. Lapis is probably miles away if Empire City was here. It’s just like her house.”

“Those officers were… at her house?”

Jasper stopped, and she turned to face me. “Are you here to bother me all day?”

“N-no! I- I I Uh-... I just want to help,” I stammered. “My friends- they need me! They need my help. They’ve helped me before, I want to return the favor.” I paused. “That, and… they’re probably all I have left… This is crazy. I’m just a high schooler and I’m going through things that most high schoolers shouldn’t be going through. I mean, running off and-! Oh, you would roll over shocked after what I have to tell you. It’s not that pretty, it’s more of like an icky goo kind of story.”

“... Same here,” Jasper said.

“You’re a bit distant, like Lapis is. Lapis was more reserved and a bit rude when we first met. You should’ve seen her when I began attending therapy, we got into an argument and she also saved me from a turkey! Oh! And she gave me chicken feathers. I love chickens, so it’s a valid gift I appreciate for eons.”

Jasper said nothing.

I tapped my shoes on the ground, noticing that Jasper was disinterested. I slumped my shoulders. “... Sorry, am I talking too much? See, I start talking a lot when I’m really into what I’m talking about. See, my mom never really let me do things like this before, so I’m still getting used to all this freedom, as they call it.”

Jasper looked at me.

_I can’t tell if she’s listening to me, or just stomaching me in the definition of enduring me._

I puffed out my cheeks for a second. “I’ve never really had friends. Like, I had friends when I was a kid, but they weren’t friends friends, you know?” I followed after Jasper again when she proceeded to walk. “They usually only made fun of me and mocked me. So when I met Steven and Lapis, I… felt accepted, for once, like that I actually had true friends. It took Lapis a bit longer of course to befriend, she’s more mysterious.”

“That’s Lapis for you,” Jasper muttered.

“Is she always like that? She’s so… stubborn! And I don’t get her sometimes! She’s so… brash? Is that the word? I’m not sure, that’s probably the wrong word-“

“She’s always like that,” Jasper confirmed. 

I’m a bit relieved that Jasper isn’t entirely ignoring me now. Is Lapis some kind of topic of interest for her? Must be so, as I’m assuming since I’ve gauged her interest to talk to me without threatening me or pummeling me. No, she hasn’t pummeled me yet, but that’s YET. I COULD STILL DIE.

“She once talked about getting a motorcycle and driving off to who knows where,” Jasper said.

“A motorcycle?” I repeated.

“Beats me. She says she would like the wind in her hair, to feel like she’s flying. Some cheesy crap like that.”

_I feel like my assumption is true about Jasper opening up more in conversation if it’s about something she cares about. I can relate to that. I just gotta make sure the topic is of her interest! Maybe we can become friends too! Think of this, someone strong, someone who isn’t easily fazed, someone who can protect me from more bad guys!_

I bit my cheek. “So… how did you two… you know. Become girlfriends?” I smiled, friendly and willing to socialize.

“It’s nunya.”

“Nunya?” I glared, confused.

“None of your business,” Jasper pushed me, making me stumble for a second.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


It’s been another wild walk incorporating some of the busses again, but we soon made it to where Jasper’s vehicle had broken down further inland in the woods. Problem is, we don’t know where to go next. If Lapis wasn’t in Beach City, and she wasn’t at her house, where was she??

“How much more money do you have?” I asked Jasper.

“Enough for what I need,” Jasper replied.

I nervously smiled. “Which is…?”

Jasper narrowed her eyes at me. “Just for me.”

I slowly frowned. 

_Yup. Just like Lapis I’d say. They’re perfect for each other._

When it started getting dark, Jasper and I camped inside her truck. Jasper said we could push it to the nearest auto repair shop in the morning and find some food then. The reason Jasper let me stay with her is because I said that I could help push the truck, and I could also help find Lapis since we’re both connected to her in some way. It’s a win-win if you ask me, personally. I’m starting to consider her an ally of sorts.

“Hey, Jasper?” I peeked over the back seat.

Jasper groaned in reply, trying to sleep in the front seat.

“Thanks- for this,” I continued. “Even if you seem annoyed with my existence, thanks for keeping me around.”

Jasper didn’t say anything.

“You and Lapis are a lot more alike than I thought. Ooh! You should have a ship name! I got one! How about Lasper? Jaspis? Do you guys hold hands? Or get cute little gifts for each other?!”

“Why do you care? You’re not involved.”

“I’m just-“

“We aren’t here to be fetishized either.”

I did my best to comprehend what was just said to me. “Fetishized?”

Jasper sat up. I gulped. “We’re just people in a relationship. That’s all you need to know,” Jasper scolded me.

Now it was my turn to be silent.

Jasper sighed. “When you’re in a world that only cares about your relationship for pornography purposes and wants you dead when it isn’t, you doubt yourself.”

“... What do you mean?”

“You’re not a lesbian, are you, punk?”

“I’m not either a lesbian or a punk actually…” I scratched my head, for a moment forgetting that I had shorter hair.

“Good. Having the privilege to avoid assholes is a spectacle. If you didn’t get called an ‘it’ just for having a girlfriend, I’d _kill_ to be in your shoes.”

“Actually, I’ve had a mother who wanted me to have surgery for something I can’t control,” I corrected nicely. 

“Hmph. So you can somewhat understand then.”

“I… think so?” I shrugged, not exactly understanding what Jasper was talking about. “I mean, sexuality wise I don’t really know what I am. See, I…” I glanced to the side, fiddling with my hands, “I think some girls… some girls are cute. But I also… hear people talk about things like uh, intercourse, and kissing intensely, but it just… it doesn’t… It doesn’t sound like something I want, physically, for myself.” I slunk back into my seat. 

_No, don’t say it. You’re in front of Lapis’ girlfriend!! What if she KILLS you?!?!_ _But I have to! What if Jasper can help me??_

“... Lapis tried to suggest that we ah… physically lock ourselves into a mating frenzy one night, but it didn’t sound like that was what she genuinely wanted,” blurted my confession. “I didn’t want it either. I declined her proposal and she got upset at me.”

Jasper began to chuckle.

“What? What’s so funny?!” I angrily said.

“That’s definitely Lapis,” Jasper laughed. “Trying to sleep with other people behind my back? That’s fucking low for her. And the way you described it? Mating frenzy?”

“I can’t tell if you’re mad or genuinely amused,” I commented.

“I’m both,” Jasper answered. “It’s just… so much like her to do shit like that.”

“Can I ask why you stay with her anyway? It doesn’t sound… okay if-“

“This world is cruel. Unless you’re considered normal in society, you’re nothing. You’re weak. You’re a fool. You take a magnet and the opposites attract, when really, it’s the similar ones that should.” Jasper leaned against the truck door. “Lapis and I are both considered weak. Nobodies. Objects. She stays with me because I’m all she has, and I stay with her because she’s all I have.”

“Eh, Lapis has an adopted brother, and her family,” I pointed out.

“Her ‘family’ doesn’t understand her like I do.”

“How?”

“You’re keeping me awake with these putrid questions. Leave the relationship stuff alone.”

“But you-“

“Let me rest, okay? Save it for the morning.” Jasper returned back to trying to fall asleep, rolling a window down so that it wouldn’t get too hot when the sun rose.

I blew a strawberry in defeat.

“She does that too,” Jasper said.

“What, these noises?” I did it again, earning another groan from Jasper. Whether it was annoyed or amused, again I could not tell. 

_… I guess I should go to sleep. Maybe I did intrude her personal life a bit too much…_

I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling of the vehicle. I thought of what it’d be like once I could find my friends again. We could go miles and miles away, we could live in a cheap motel or apartment…

But one thing bugged me. And that was the question of my own preference when it comes to relationship stuff like what Jasper has. Who am I? What am I? 

And… based on what Jasper told me… is Lapis… okay? Is something going on that I don’t know about with her? A darker side to her? Should I be wary of her? Is she a bad person? Or a good person? Neutral? Is there even good and bad people, or just... people?

This whole thing is just flat out confusing. I mean, come on, it started with therapy, and now SOMEHOW I ended up here. 

It’s crazy if you ask me.


	73. Week Ten - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Jasper have made it far in their travels; having explored much of Beach City with no luck. They continue onward.
> 
> TW/CW; character venting/expressing grief, past abuse, self reflection and questioning

“What about friends? Do you know if she has friends we can ask?”

“Lapis keeps to herself and we leave each other’s privacy be,” Jasper replied to me.

“So… a no,” I sighed. This was getting difficult. We didn’t have much traction to go off of! I feel as useless as I used to be! If it wasn’t for Jasper, j would’ve probably already died! “We need to also figure out a way to make more money for necessities…”

Jasper and I had been doing our best to locate Lapis with no luck. I bet that we had checked every crack and corner of Beach City by now, wanting to be sure that we didn’t miss anything. I do my best to keep my hopes and head up though. She might turn up when we least expect it! Like… right now! 

… Nothing happened. 

Liiike…. right now!

…

Oh come on, why is it not working?! NOW! Where is she?? Why can’t she just pop up like a very convenient plot device in a story?! GAH!! Perhaps we can summon her with a ritual involving circles and objects...

Lapis is gone and we don’t know where she is. Jasper hints that she’s unable to go back to her place of origin, and I definitely can’t go back to mine. I think of the two of us as runaways, always on the road unable to go home. Does that sound sad? To me it sounds adventurous! … And sad.

But you know what’s not sad? Jasper hasn’t clobbered me to a pulp or stuffed me into any toilets yet. Oh memories of middle school… I’m a living poindexter, I’m a walking target for negative people, yet I’m still in one piece! I’ve… been a bit more loose lately with how I’m expressing myself and thinking of others, it’s been weirdly wack. Wack. Waaaack. That’s a super weird word. Why is it fun to say?

_ My mother would’ve hated seeing me like this… _

I shot up from my seat in the truck at the memory of my family, accidentally hitting my head in the process. “OW!” I rubbed my forehead, wondering if my brain was rattling around.

“Keep it down back there, I’m thinking,” Jasper hushed me.

“Nyah-Nyah meh meh meh meh,” I muttered under my breath, mocking what Jasper said rather immaturely. I was upset over hitting my head of course. It kind of- well, alright, it entirely encouraged my sour mood to come out at that moment. 

“What was that?” Jasper sharply turned around to face me in the back seat.

“NOTHING!” I squeaked, shying away. Jasper is still scary, so I should still be wary even if she’s become an ally of mine. Friend perhaps? I’m… not sure yet. I’m positive that Jasper is putting up with me purely because I could help her locate Lapis. Is she going to leave me on the side of a road after that? That’s for me to figure out in the future, that’s a future me problem. Put it away for later!

We’ve been driving for a bit since getting the vehicle fixed two days ago. Well, more like I helped Jasper push it to a place where it can get fixed and then we drove off from there. Beach City seems to be full of nice people… the guy working on the truck gave me an ice cream bar. It could’ve been poisoned but I’m not saying no to FREE food! Free dessert, whatever. It was  _ delicious _ !

However, even with life right now going smoother than it had been before, a much more steady and less active state, sometimes I wonder about… things. Stuff like my life, my identity… when Jasper will get fed up with me or about Lapis and Steven… Steven is like the only positive person I know right now that hasn’t done anything weird or arguably mean to me. I know Lapis tried to… you know, but she’s just… hurt. Right? Hurt people do awful things… But if they hurt more people, those people get hurt who hurt only more and more people… So is doing things because you’re hurt okay?

I don’t really know a firm definition of morality and responsibility right now. I’ve seen lots of back and forth actions and positions from people I’ve met in my life that can go against each other. It’s so… confusing! Is this gonna be my life? Never sure of myself? Never knowing who I am, meeting all the wrong kinds of people?

_ What if I never went to therapy? I could be home right now with my… mom. _

_ My… mom. _

My eyes started sweating. Can eyes even sweat? Ew, that’s gross, no I’m definitely crying.

_ She was all I had. _

_ She was all I had-! And she… she… treated me… like utter garbage. I didn’t know people could have children, go through the term of carrying them and then birthing them just to mistreat them-!  _

_ I… looked up to her… _

_ And I still… do… even if I shouldn’t! I KNOW that I should not! But I do! And I do, and I hate it, and I hate how this all came to be!  _

_ I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN! My mother could’ve had another to replace me, one who was more functional and even better with their identity, someone who could preserve a legacy my mother created, a legacy of lies and pain, if I was given the chance to be so naive again would I take it?! I WOULD! I would, and I… I know that ignorance is bliss, but it’s also harmful to the truth… I was hurt… so badly.  _

_ I was getting hurt… and I didn’t even know it until other people pointed it out for me…  _

I remember the gloves my mom would give me. 

The rubber bands. 

The unnecessary shots that she said would help me.

The word lobotomy coming out of her mouth. The people who were ready to perform surgery on me when my mother said the word because to her I’m nothing- I’m a disappointment, I’m her regret and her failure.

I could try to get over it! I could try to run away from who I am or find who I am, I could become the greatest being alive, Peridot the Great! I could move on and live on my own with everything that makes me happy and yet! I would still be miserable when I realize how alone and hurt I am! 

Oooh I hate thinking. I hate it so much. 

I wiped my face, hiding the fact that I had been crying. Emotions are so annoying! They make no sense! Why would I be UPSET after managing to escape my insane mother?! Why am I mourning?! It’s not like there was going to be anything or like my mother would change! She never would change! She never… ever, will! I’ve already come this far, I can’t go back!!

I jumped when someone touched my shoulder. I straightened up, finding Jasper standing behind me. We had stopped for a break at a gas station in the outskirts of Beach City, deciding to head up the coast to continue our search. It’s all we have left after all; unable to go back home, holding onto the hope that we will regroup with the only people we care about, struggling to survive without any parental guidance or financial aid…

“Quit your staring contest. Let’s go,” Jasper said, walking away back to the truck.

I rubbed my eyes, forcing myself to turn away from the beach that I had been facing while I had zoned out. 

_ This can’t all be for nothing, can it? _

I climbed into the truck, for the first time allowed in the passenger’s seat. I buckled myself in, and Jasper drove us back onto the main road. 

_ If I had been hurt so badly, why do I still feel bad for leaving? Why do I still miss my mom? _

_ Ugh… I really, really hate emotions…. _


	74. Week Ten - Lapis, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing new is going on with Lapis, unless you count her meeting new people.

“How’s your nose?” Charlotte asked me, invading my personal space and looking me over.

“Fine,” I spat past gritted teeth. 

“I wish you were here sooner. It could’ve gotten the proper attention-“

“What’s done is done,” I stated. 

_And those officers that came for me and my brother didn’t seem friendly. What difference would it make if I got medical attention sooner? I’d still be separated from my brother._

_I hope you’re doing okay, Steven._

It’s so unnerving being unable to know exactly what’s going on or if someone was okay without any contact to them. It’s like a game of guessing with no wrong and right answer, which leaves the actual right and wrong answers even more mysterious. Right could be wrong, and wrong could be right.

“It seems to be healing okay… the doctor says to give it another week and then come back in,” Charlotte said, applying a piece of medical tape over my nose. “Luckily it didn’t change the shape of the nose, whatever hit you.”

“A cop,” I grumbled, although I’d be ignored.

“You have a driving lesson later today. Are you going to be fine?”

I didn’t respond.

_Why is she like this? She’s so… fussy and worrying all the damn time. And then when she’s around her other kids, she’s like an aristocrat that wants attention pretending to be so perfect._

_What’s going on, Charlotte? Why NOW do you want me back? Why sell me, then seek me out? Why even…!_

_I will never fucking accept you as my mother. And I hope you know it. I’ll make sure of it._

But I dared not speak of it, not wanting to ruin what I have so far going on. All this… suffering, this enduring, it has to be for something. If it’s for nothing, I might as well have already died.

_Just hang in there. Hang on._

It helps being a somewhat good actress. I’ve gotten a few more new books to read, some more luxuries like clothes and a new blanket, and Pumpkin even got a sweater. I hate being in the position of so much power, all this wealth I’m sitting on while other people scrape for change, but I can’t do anything about it. Not until I have what I need, then I need to leave. Besides, remember how people would kill just to be me? How some people are still on the streets, how people struggle to become this financially stable? If I threw it all away, it just… doesn’t sit right. 

Lying and using deceit can be good, you just need to learn how to make it good. Good lies are told for a reason. And bad lies are kept secret to hide why they’re bad. It can be a weapon or a reason, either way, it’s currently my way to escape.

Good lies motivate consequences from all corners. But truth determines which sealed fate you’re given.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Lapis! LAPIS!”

I snapped out of my trance, the roar of the ocean in the distance taunting me. I wiped my brow before I turned away, heading back to where everyone else was.

Charlotte decided to take us to the beach today for lunch, which… I’ve had mixed feelings about. An ocean and me? Not a good mix. I’ve stayed away from the water, and I never turned my back to it. I watched it, I avoided it, and I was cautious of it. The ocean can take away anything from you. It can become a storm in seconds, it can bring life from the depth but also death. The only way to combat it is to stay away.

The beaches in Ocean Town aren’t like Beach City either. While Beach City is more of soft sand and flat beaches, Ocean Town is more rocky, more wild. There’s a lot more seagulls and crabs, as well as some tide pool animals if you bother to search for them. Down the way are some sea lions, who rest on the rocks in the afternoon.

“Lapis!”

“I heard you the first time,” I mumbled under my breath. I was unhappy. I stood idle by when I regrouped.

“I got worried when you weren’t responding. Go play in the water with the girls, lunch should be ready soon,” Charlotte said. For once she was actually _making_ the food herself, not relying on a servant to do it for her. Then again I’d be skeptical if someone was unable to make a simple sandwich.

“Do I have to?” I declined.

“They’re your sisters, not some strangers,” Charlotte pointed for me to go join Mary and Nancy. I reluctantly gave in to a degree, too tired to start a fuss.

Another thing I’m noticing about Charlotte is she’s mainly the one in charge; the one speaking, the one telling everyone what to do or what’s happening today, she’s the alpha of this shambled pack and she’s completely puckered up to it. Her husband doesn’t do much when he’s around. I’m not sure where he goes, but Charlotte did mention he has work. 

I never let my gaze leave the water as I slowly approached it, wise enough to know better than give an inch of trust to the thing that took something away from me. Meanwhile, Mary and Nancy splashed about on the shoreline, hopping in and out of the tide with no care in the world.

“Oh my god- what is THAT?!” Nancy suddenly shouted, stepping out of the water and back onto the rocky beach. 

“Where?” Mary twirled around, watching the saltwater.

“RIGHT THERE!” Nancy pointed on the shore, letting out a squeal.

_If I grew up with these two I would’ve gone mad._

_Why did Charlotte even have two more kids after-._

I came closer to see what they were screaming about, finding a fairly small crab scuttling by. 

_That’s… what they’re scared of…?_

_Wow._

I knelt down, letting the crab crawl onto my open palm. It’s not even that big. It’s just a _baby_. The fact that they even saw this has me surprised.

“PUT IT DOWN, PUT IT DOWN!!!” Nancy gawked, watching me.

I want to rip my ears off.

I started grinning. I just got an idea.

Nancy released a shrill scream after I shoved the baby crab towards her, causing her to run back to Charlotte along with Mary. I laughed, having forgotten what it was like to joke around and laugh like this. It feels… good.

“LAPIS!” Charlotte’s voice rang out.

I rolled my eyes.

  
  


* * *

  
  


We didn’t arrive home too late. It was probably around four or so when we went back to the mansion. We walked there, so of course we were walking back home too. Exercise, sure. I walked in the back of our group, not feeling up to keeping the pace. I didn’t eat much either. I had only half of a turkey sandwich. It wasn’t too bad, but… I wouldn’t have one again if I could.

“- and that’s when- mooom, Mary won’t stop pulling on my hair!” Nancy whined.

“Dad said he’s gonna get _me_ a dog, not for you,” Mary retorted.

_Oh brother…_

I waited for Charlotte to open the gate for us, forcing myself to tune out of the conversation that Mary and Nancy were having. I’d rather stuff nails into my ears than listen to them. 

_Or eat plywood._

Just as Charlotte got the gate open, I turned my head at the sound of a vehicle rolling up to the place. A small mail truck was arriving. I lowkey wish I could sneak away and tell the driver to get me out of this madhouse. 

“Lapis, could you get the mail for us?” Charlotte asked me, whisking Mary and Nancy onto the property. “We might as well get it while we’re out here and save a trip.”

“Sure,” I deadpanned.

“Thank you, dear,” Charlotte smiled, following after her daughters. “I’ll leave the gate open so you can come back in.”

_This is your chance, Lapis. MAKE A RUN FOR IT!_

But… I didn’t. I calmly walked to the mailbox in the front of the mansion gates, and waited for the mail to be delivered.

_… I can’t do that to Pumpkin, leaving her here with those… people._

A mailman stepped out of the mail truck once it stopped, carrying a small package in his hand. I froze. Not in the bad freezing way either. It was more of… a blank freezing.

“Package for Charlotte Lazuli?” The mailman, who looked to be my age or maybe a few months younger, raised a brow at me. “You’re… Nancy, right? I always get you two mixed up.”

“Nancy?” I felt offended. “No way. I’m Lapis.”

“Lapis? I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met before, have we?”

I shook my head. “What, do Nancy or Mary normally get the mail?”

“Usually,” the mailman replied. “I’m so sorry, madam.”

“Eh. It’s okay.” I took the package from him. “I’m new here anyways. What’s your name?”

“I’m Jamie,” the mailman offered a hand to me. I slowly shook it. “I’ve had this route for a year now so I’ve gotten to know some of the people. I’m supposed to be switching routes to Beach City next month though. It could always be worse! It could be Kansas.”

“Hm,” I commented plainly, listening. “Beach City, huh?”

“Yes, it’s a pretty quiet little town. Lots of teenagers are going to the new high school there too. I’m hoping I’ll be able to transfer there for my upcoming senior year. I heard they’ve got a theatre class.”

“Theatre?” 

“Only the most magnificent art in the world,” Jamie smiled, taking off his hat. “It’s a class I got to be in if I’m going to become the greatest actor one day.”

Wow. This guy was a dork. I accidentally snorted. “Well, good luck with that.”

“Thank you! I’ve been studying Shakespearean literature lately so I'm prepared. Rumor has it that the first play they’ll showcase there will be either _Cats_ or something more whimsical like _Romeo and Juliet._ ”

“The weird Broadway show _Cats_ with the cat colony and the… whatever plot line was going on?” I requested elaboration. “Choosing a cat or something?”

“Yes! That’s the one!” Jamie frowned. “The movie does it no justice…”

“There’s a _movie?_ ” I said in disbelief.

“You’ve never seen it?! I wish I was just as innocent as you were.”

“Is it that bad?”

“In my humble opinion? Of course,” Jamie nodded. “The mouse and cockroach scene is so…” he shivered.

“You got me curious. Where can I see this?” 

Jamie’s eyes went wide. “Well-...”

“Well?” I held the package under my arm. “If it’s a sketchy website, it’ll be worth it.”

“I’d rather not have you risk getting hacked,” Jamie chuckled. “Instead-... would you-? Perhaps, if you are interested, I can interest you in taking you to see it? I know an old theatre that plays different movies every day or upon request. It’s not as fancy as the larger mainstream theatres-“

“Are you asking me on a date?”

Jamie put his hat back on, taking a deep breath in. “I am, madam.”

_Well… I could use some time away from this mansion…_

“Then, it’s a deal.” I started to head back to the gate. “Pick me up Wednesday?”

“Sure!” Jamie grinned. “I’ll see you then, my lady.”

_He’s a dork, but he’s also polite._

I closed the gate behind me, a bittersweet _happy_ weight in my chest.

_… I don’t know the last time I felt like this._

_Definitely not with Kevin. Sometimes with Jasper, but…_

_He’s such a nerd. A bit shy too._

_… He reminds me of Peridot._

_… I feel… horrible for being so cold to her._

_What if… she’s like this too? Some kind of… shy, nerdy, nice-..._

_God, Lapis. No. You are not-._

_Look. You’ve been deprived of human interaction. Once you start getting back into socializing, you won’t be this pathetic._

_One date can’t hurt. Then you can start initiating an escape. Maybe even just in time for this new high school he mentioned. Once I finish high school then I can go to college and get a job._ _Steven and I can be free of this shit for good._

_Just don’t think of Jamie as like Peridot. That’s… weird._

I headed inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Uh huh Lapis I see that you’re missing Peridot there hm
> 
> Next chapter is a bonus chapter featuring some concept sketches and etc


	75. Bonus Chapter - Concept Sketches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some various drawings and sketches I have for this work.

_I’ve gathered lots of drawings, concepts, sketches, all that utter goodness while writing this work. Mostly these sketches and drawings were used for notes, character appearance ideas, and other references._

**This sketch page features some concepts for Peridot, along with other small doodles I filled space with.**

  
**For some reason Mr. Brightside comes up a lot in my playlist while I write Peridot. And it happens with JUST when I write Peridot. It’s... creepy. Please save me.**

**This next sketch page features Lapis, but mostly some symbolism drawings and other ooblits and jiblets.**

****

**I like to mess around with certain reoccurring items or objects in stories, so you never know what will come back again or serve a bigger purpose to the story.**

**This is a concept page for Lapis and Peridot’s appearances, as well as height difference.  
  
**

**Charlotte’s appearance can be said to be similar to Mean Lapis, just with longer hair.** ~~Theres a reason Lapis was nicknamed selkie~~

**Nancy = Nice Lapis**

**Mary = Mean Lapis**

**And then a Jasper concept. The scar idea was to mirror her gemstone location.**

****

**As this work continues on, I might add more little bonus chapters with things I have for this work; depends if I can digitalize them.  
** I also honestly never expected this work to blow up. I’ve even got some fanart and it’s just... guys, you’re gonna make me cry. Thank you so much.


	76. Week Eleven - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren’t back to a state of normalcy yet. In fact, you have to be careful of who to trust.
> 
> TW/CW: Suicidal thoughts, self doubt/self worth issues, themes of depression, event that can be interpreted as an autistic shutdown or panic attack, very brief drug substance use

I like to think that I’m a huge assistant to this case. I found a map of Delmarva in the trash yesterday, which was a SUPER BIG help! Jasper has been using it to find our way around- only problem is… gas costs money. I suggested that we cut the costs and travel on foot when we can- a decision that Jasper isn’t favorable of- although it does help when it can come in handy.

Another problem is the more obvious, since we have organic bodies that require certain criteria in order to function properly. It’s basic biology. We need food and we also need water. Water is easily obtainable when we find any sort of public water fountains, or bathrooms. I suggested that we try dry shampoo one day or look into food stamps, which again, Jasper isn’t fond of. She’s not favorable with things that involve anything to do with too much work, really. At least, that’s what I’ve noticed.

The map isn’t that detailed either. It’s got the basic landmarks including towns and cities, sometimes locations of beaches and or rivers and forests, but that’s it. It’s a pretty standard map. Jasper likes to use it though to find pathways and roads. We’ve checked Beach City down to a T, which means we looked everywhere we could there for Lapis. It’s… not going well search wise…

I wonder where Steven and Lapis are anyway…

And… my mom-.... does she…? 

Probably not. She probably doesn’t miss me at all…

I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do after all this. I’m still supposed to finish up high school, but I could drop out depending on what state I end up staying in. What about a job? Or a home? I can’t be on the streets forever! 

I slumped forward, resting my head against the glove compartment. Something then slapped my back, making me jerk up. “OW!” I complained, sitting properly in my seat.

“Look alive,” Jasper laughed at my misfortune. 

“That was UNNECESSARY! And uncalled for!” I yelled.

“Here. Find out where we’re going next.” Jasper shoved the map at me after we turned onto a road, throwing a pen at me with it too. 

“A  _ PLEASE _ would’ve been much better than slapping my back-!” I cried.

“Just check the map before I drive off the road, punk.”

“Fine, fine, fine fine fine.” I bitterly shook out the map. “Wilming… yeah. That’s the closest place-... and then over here…” I traced my finger on the map, focused on the roads and where they went. “Ocean Town… Charm… uhhh…” There was some intersecting roads… we could go one way or the other...

“Where to?”

“What about Charm City?” I showed the map. “But if we go this road-“ I pointed to the map, “-Ocean Town will be closer… we could cut here and go Charm City… hm…” I set the map back down.

“Which is closer?”

“Ocean Town, for sure,” I nodded.

“Then, we go there.”

_ Well that was easy. Always wanting the easy route as I say with Jasper. I bet she’d rather walk the mile instead of climb straight to the top. Or would it be the other way around? No, definitely climb instead of walking, walking is more work. _

I folded the map up, leaning against the side of the truck. I chewed on the pen, giving my teeth something to stay occupied with. 

_ I’m so hungry… UGH I AM SOOO HUNGRY…. _

“Can we stop for food?” I peeped up.

“Later,” Jasper huffed.

I frowned, my teeth managing to pop the pen with a few more bites. Perhaps I was chewing a  _ bit  _ too intensely, because next before I knew it, I had a mess of black ink on my lips. “EEEWW!”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“QUIT IT! QUIT LAUGHING! QUIT IT, COME ON! YOU CLOD!!” I threw a fit, having no fun at all as Jasper wiped the ink off my face, dabbing the napkin into my mouth too. She was laughing so hard I thought she was going to have a heart attack and die. Actually? I've never seen Jasper laugh this hard before. OH NO DID I KILL HER?!

I had to hold the ink in my mouth and not swallow for like AGES until Jasper found a gas station to stop at. I’m sure that I am the one dead here. Is ink poisonous? I’m pretty sure that it can kill you. IF I AM DEAD, CAN I FINALLY HAVE THE AUTOGRAPHS OF EVERY CAMP-.

“AGAGAG-“ I muffled, more than upset. The napkin in my mouth wasn’t helping. As soon as it was removed, I took a sip of the water that Jasper had also gotten me, and then rinsed and spat it out. “... Wow, thanks.” I was so tempted to bite one of her fingers so she would stop laughing at me. She enjoys my suffering.

“We don’t eat pens,” Jasper teased me. “I know you said that you’re hungry, but shit.”

I hissed at her. Literally. You know the sound that a cat makes when you come near it and it wants to be left alone, but you keep walking up to it because you want to pet it, so then the cat claws your eyes out? Yeah, that sort of hissing. I flapped my hands with pride, as if I had just won a long battle. I didn’t think much of it. I just… did it.

I got back into the truck, buckling myself in. I licked my lips and I wiggled my nose. “Aw… now we got no pen…” That was short-lived, since Jasper threw another pen at me. “-OW! QUIT IT!”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“You’re a real softie, huh?” I took the opportunity to tease Jasper back when we stopped to sleep. “I can see why Lapis likes you. It takes a while and you still call me names and hit me, but you can be really nice. You saved me from ink poisoning!” I bounced excitedly in my seat. “Can you save people from drowning?! Is that why you’re so muscular?! Where do you get your muscles anyway? I’m strong too myself, but I don’t show off much-“

“Why do you do that, runt?” Jasper judged.

I froze. “Do… do- do what?” I lowered my arm that I had been flexing, no muscle at all on me.

“Those weird bouncing and hand flappings,” Jasper elaborated. “It’s unnerving. You remind me of those small dogs that are all bark and no bite.”

My mood plummeted. I knew what she was talking about.

_ Was I… moving my hands? How did I not-... _

“Oh. I… I don’t know…” I rubbed my shoulders, nervously. I acted innocent, but I knew. I looked at my hands, confused. Had I been moving my hands and I didn’t know?

_ She knows- _

_ Everybody knows- _

_ Your mom knows, Lapis knows, Steven knows, Jasper knows- _

_ They all know. _

_ They all know. _

_ They all… know. _

Jasper didn’t say anything more. That didn’t help my mood much. I sat there, quietly, staring at nothing in particular. I didn’t really feel… tired, anymore? I just felt… empty.

_ You need to stop doing that weird stuff! No more freaky things! No more moving or biting or scratching or humming or flapping or bouncing or balancing-! _

_ Is it small in here? _

_ I feel like I’m in a cage. A super small cage. _

Is this car small? This car suddenly got super small. Am I alive? I’m still breathing, right? Why is it so hot in here all of a sudden? Cold?! Oh my gosh, I can’t breathe. I can’t-.

_ Don’t flap your hands. Don’t move ANY part of your body, Peridot!! No more!! _

I shook my head intensely. I lightly smacked one side of my face, hoping that’d help me snap back to reality. Unluckily, it didn’t work.

Jasper looks to be asleep now. How does she do that?! HOW?!

_ At least she can’t see you now. But your mom can! Your mom sees everything!!  _

_ SHE KNOWS!! _

_ Do you want rubber bands again?? DO YOU?! _

_ Put these on, Peridot, put these on. _

I’m… panicking.

_ Calm down. GOSH, CALM DOWN!! _

_ But my mom knows! She knows I do this!! Jasper knows!! Jasper knows! Jasper knows you do this-! _

I held my hands up, studying them rather closely. I swear I could see every single pore and hair on them. 

_ Just wait until you’re turned in. You’re a criminal! You’re a living criminal!  _

_ Mom is going to know about all this and she-! She won’t like it-! _

_ PERIDOT!! CALM DOWN!! NOW!! _

_ I… can’t-! _

I forced myself to take a few deep breaths, holding a hand over my mouth.

_ You have to calm down, calm down, calm down-. _

I forced myself to keep my hands at my sides, 

I stayed still. Perfectly still.

_ Just like the good daughter I am. _

And then, I couldn’t take it. 

I opened the door. 

I booked it outside. 

I collapsed a few inches away from the truck in the grass. My hands gripped the ground, my fingers flexing every few seconds as if I wanted to be sure that what was underneath me was in fact grass and dirt. 

_ “It’s a calming down method. How many fingers?” _

It took a moment before I focused on my fingers completely. One… two, three, four… five…

_ “Breathe in, and breathe out.” _

I inhaled.

I exhaled.

_ “Can you name something you can physically feel?” _

I rolled one hand into a fist. The grass, the dirt, maybe a small spider or something-...

_ Am I overreacting? Why do I do this?! _

I sat up, wiping my nose. I was definitely crying and it was so gross. I know that I’ve heard about it somewhere those … things, the calming down mantra… I couldn’t recall where I heard it from right now but DAMN IT! Damn it, damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!!! I’m so… TIRED of having to restrain myself like this- I’m so tired of never being enough!! I KNOW that I should forget about my mom- I stood up to her even!- but I can’t just forget about my entire life! My whole life, I was told restrain, restrain, RESTRAIN! What was that even for?! Why was my mom so… so embarrassed of me?! I know I’m not like most people- I don’t even know why other people make so much eye contact and do things like make fun of you for liking certain shows, but why? Why when all I had in my world was my mom, she refused to try and understand me and instead molded me into this… this damaged, flightless chicken?! I feel like I was given surgery just so I could fit into this conjunction of society by its norms and its norms only. I had to hide, otherwise I would die.

People just… don’t understand….

… and they never will…

What’s the point? Nobody will listen to me. Nobody cares. Nobody wants people like me.

I’m useless.

I’m… meaningless.

I never really understood why people would want to step off this earth or never awaken again. There’s so much more food to eat and chickens to pet, not to mention more conventions where I could finally meet the creator fo Camp Pining Hearts-...

But, until now, I… think I do understand. 

School will be back in session soon and while everyone else continues their life, I’m out here homeless and on the run from my deranged mom who wants me to get surgery for something I can’t control. Everybody else will be making friends or getting married and doing all sorts of cool things, while I’ll be out here. Just… always out here… 

Jasper is going to leave me once we find Lapis. Lapis might leave me too, and if she doesn’t, I’ll leave because I don’t want to hinder her. I don’t want to drag anybody down! I don’t want… I don’t… 

It’s… come to the conclusion that I think… I don’t want to be alive anymore.

I don’t want to die, but-! I just… don’t want to suffer and be a burden anymore...

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


I think I fell asleep out there because next before I knew it, I woke up back in the truck. It was still dark, so it wasn’t morning yet, and Jasper was moving in the seat beside me.

I rubbed my head in confusion. “... My head hurts,” I whined quietly.

“You were outside of the car sobbing like a kid. What happened?” Jasper questioned me. I could see in the moonlight that she was eating something? No, chewing on-... Okay, hang on, it’s sort of super blurry for me right now. Uh-. I’m not sure what she’s doing.

“It smells bad in here,” I didn’t answer the question. And it did smell bad! What was that?! The windows were down but it STILL SMELLED HORRIBLE!!

“You’ve never smelled weed before?”

“Weed? Weed doesn’t smell, it smells like an earthy substance at best probably-“

“Not that kind of weed, dimwit.”

“... Oh.” I plugged my nostrils with my hand. 

Jasper took something out of her mouth, which I figured out to be a cigarette. Or… something like that.

“Hey-! Hey! How did you…?” I started.

“Gas station, fake ID,” Jasper answered before I finished.

I gasped. “F-FAKE?!” I slid down in my seat. An unwelcome feeling creeped into my skin. “We’re so dead, we’re so dead we’re so dead-. I AM A TRUE CRIMINAL! ME, PERIDOT-!”

“Peridot?” Jasper repeated, sounding astonished. “Like... Peridot Diamond? Is that your-?”

“Actually- Price, you don’t get the Diamond part unless-“ I foolishly blurted.

Jasper started to smile. It was like watching her win a lottery. “... Do you have any idea what I could’ve done using the reward money for finding you?” Jasper turned on me. She set the joint down on her dashboard.

It was with a pang that I realized my mistake. 

Reward?

_ Reward- oh no… OH NO. _

“You… know about-“ I echoed faintly. “You-“

“Of course I do! My mother works with the Diamonds. I’ve seen those posters over the state line. I’ve heard about your name a few times back home when Yadira Diamond was mentioned. I know how much you’re worth. You’re a Diamond’s  _ daughter _ . You’re a  _ Diamond _ .”

“You… know…-?” 

“That reward money can keep gas in my tank, get me food- a new place to live.” Jasper locked the doors. “Amethyst and I could finally be free of Holly. Do you have any idea how long we suffered because of that bitch?!”

“I- I don’t…-“

“Do you have any idea how much she talked about wanting to send us to conversion therapy?! Do you have ANY idea about how I had keep it a secret that my little sister was going to a better place where my girlfriend lives, so that she wouldn’t go mad from how fucking horrible our mother is?!”

“I don’t-!”

Jasper grinned. “The universe finally provided for me by giving me you. Everything is going to change, and it’s going to be  _ glorious _ .”

My whole world was shattering around me. My life was flashing. If I was brought back to my mother, who wouldn’t just give it a break and give it up-!

_ … I’d die. She would kill me. My mother would KILL me just so that I’d become in her image normal! _

_ I’m going to die... _

_ … No. _

My expression of fear hardened.

_ I’m not. _

One thing that Jasper forgot is that she left the windows down so that she could smoke whatever she had. She  _ thinks  _ she’s smart, but she isn’t. Sure she locked the doors, but the windows are OPEN. Jasper, you need to be more aware and wiser of what you’re doing! Thank gosh you’re dumb! And thank gosh I’m tiny! TINY LEGS, ACTIVATE!

Before Jasper turned on the truck, I made a jump for it- literally. I hauled myself out the window, scrambling outside. Before I could finish my escape however, Jasper grabbed one of my legs.

“Where are you going, you puny punk?” Jasper spat.

I yelped in surprise. “Away from you, you CLOD!” I kicked in retaliation. I didn’t stop, not even for a second. I hit something that caused Jasper to let go, and I took that chance to immediately continue escaping. I fell ungracefully, but I crawled away, and then I picked myself up and I  _ ran. _

_ I think I hit her in the face. Oh gosh- is she okay?! What am I saying?! Peridot, RUN!!! _

I ran until my legs were numb, I ran until my sides hurt. Even then, I kept running. I heard a vehicle racing behind me. I saw headlights shine on me. I don’t know where I’m going! But I’m still going! All I know is _RUN!_

_ You messed up. You messed up. You messed up. You-WHOA-!! _

My stride was cut short when I tripped, and I slid down a rocky slope. I hit my side against some rocks, knocking the breath out of me. I was still falling.

_ This was a bad idea-. _

I collapsed to the bottom, where another road and some trees awaited me. One of my legs was in pain and so was my side, but I can’t stop. I have to keep going-. Just… keep… going…

“GET BACK HERE!”

Jasper’s voice became faint. I disappeared into the trees, hoping to find some cover. My breathing was heavy.

_ KEEP GOING-! _

I found myself on another road. I blindly followed it, then weaved back into the trees. I was quiet, listening to see if Jasper followed. 

I stayed that way for who knows how long. I could hear crickets and other bugs. 

_ Is she… gone? _

My eyes were watering. I sat down, pulling up the fabric of my pants to see why my leg was hurting so much.

_ It’s bleeding… ow, ow-. Easy, Peridot. Easy… _

I held my palm against the wound, hoping that it would stop. I think that I broke something or hit something on my way down, because my side too was aching. I couldn’t move. I was too upset, and too tired. My side is probably bruised.

_ I need to rest… ow… gosh… _

I laid down, despite the circumstances of me being in remote land that I have no idea of direction in. My eyes wouldn’t stop watering. I’m crying, I’m hurt, and I’m lost.

_ Is this how I die…? _

_ I… kind of hope so… _

I choked on a sob, wishing this was all a bad dream. 

_ I want to disappear, but I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die… _

_ I just wish I was never born… _

_ Is Lapis even worrying about me? Or Steven? I got this far trying to find them… and I can’t… I can’t…  _

What was the use of all this? This all started with some stupid therapy!! Now look at me! 

Just imagine if I stayed home, if I listened to my mom! 

This could’ve never happened… What if having surgery was the better option? Would it be better to be unconscious or half dead or whatever happens when you get a lobotomy? 

_ Come on, you gotta keep going… you gotta… _

_ You gotta… _

_ Because you have nothing left. _

I curled up in a fetal position, for now letting it out with a good sob. I could figure out a proper route to take once I have my energy back. Which, I hope is soon… especially if Jasper is now after me… is the entire world after me? Is it bad that makes me feel… important? Like I’m worth something after all?

It… doesn’t sound good though… What if I’m no good? What if Steven and Lapis don’t… want or care for me anymore? Or what if I’m just… a nuisance to them? 

_ What if it’s because of me that Lapis and Steven are on the run too? And got involved with… no, I don’t know how I’d be the cause of all this, but what if I am?  _

_ What if everyone is better off without me? _

_ Where do I even go? _

I’ll… save that thought for later. I gotta get some rest once I know for a fact I’m safe...

Just... gotta hold on till morning... Just... have to keep breathing...


	77. Week Eleven - Jasper, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper doesn’t give up too easy, just like Yadira.
> 
> TW/CW; mentions of homophobia in past events

I had her right fucking there. This entire time, I had her in my hands! All that money?! It could’ve been MINE.

I should’ve known just by her scraggly look. I should’ve known that the ragged, choppy hair of hers and the color of her eyes looked familiar. Her stupid name threw me off! Percy… what a pathetic name. Who would ever name their child Percy? The Diamonds are a powerful, respected force of Empire City. And if one of them wants their daughter back and promises a hefty reward for the safe return of said daughter, I deliver. It’s my only ticket.

It’s because of ME that our life will never get better. Without any money to move out, Amethyst and I are stranded. We will NEVER be able to get out of that ramshackle we call home. The years I’ve been sent to summer camps for my attitude will be for nothing. My thirty six cousins are thriving, yet none of them can help us when it comes to Holly. They’re all afraid of her. And they rightfully should be. They’re lucky that they don’t live with her. They’re lucky that Holly only bothered them in the beginning before they moved out.

Holly is strict, and she’s demanding. She sees to everything and ensures it’s to her image. She works for Bronagh, she’s as proud as ever. But to her daughters, us her children, she’s cold. She’s mean. She knows how to use brute force if she has to. 

I should respect her tactics. I should listen to her, but her crave for power in the family has me sick. Amethyst and I hardly have any room to breathe. And when I mentioned that I had a girlfriend? Holly went berserk. 

_ “It’s just a girl,” I shrugged. _

_ “A girl?! A GIRL?!” My mom almost fainted. “A girl with a girl- that’s-! That’s ludicrous! Please tell me you’re joking.” _

_ I shook my head. _

_ “Oh… have mercy upon me,” Holly prayed. _

And it was that day that worsened everything. Holly was a brute before, but never like this. I covered for Amethyst when she left to take part in some horse center to escape this house. And I don’t blame her for wanting to get out of here.

I stalked the undergrowth for a bit longer before I gave up. Time to move on to the next stretch of land… I’ll keep searching for days if I have to. I know she rolled down this direction somewhere! 

I punched my truck out of frustration once I returned to it, my knuckle colliding into the side of the door. Not much damage was caused, but my anger sure dented it at the most.

She’s out here somewhere… and when I find her, that reward money will be mine. I don’t care if I have to tear up towns or check every corner and forest. I will find her and claim that money.

I climbed back into the driver’s seat, the morning light aiding in my search. She can’t be that far. My eyes need to stay peeled.

I slowly drove along, never blinking for too long. In a few miles I’ll stop again to check outside the road.

She fell off the side of that slope, so she can’t be far, I keep telling myself. She can’t be that far.

I’m searching for Lapis, and I believe that runt mentioned something along the lines of looking for her too. If she’s after the same thing I am, we’re bound to meet again.

And I, for one, cannot wait. I don’t care if it takes days, hours, weeks, or years.

I decided to take a road more towards the nearest town, needing to fuel up again anyway on gas and snacks.

Peridot Diamond, your reward money will be mine.


	78. Week Eleven - Lapis, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis goes on a date.

I had to tell Charlotte about the date thing, since… well, she’s the person providing for me right now. She’s not my mother, and I will never see her as one, but it’s important she knows what I’m doing so that she could postpone any driving lessons for me. I’m getting a phone on Friday too. I could _finally_ contact Steven again. That will seriously lift some of my anxiety about if he’s okay or not. I just have to also hope he is able to answer texts or calls. I have faith that both Greg and Pearl are keeping him safe.

It hasn’t been exciting at all in this giant mansion, even with Pumpkin providing me company, but I live with it. Unbearably, yes, but I live with it. Mary and Nancy can drive me crazy sometimes. They’re younger than me yes I know, but, god-! Two girls arguing over who should get a dog or what to name said dog they don’t have yet is annoying. Last night, I heard them bickering about what they should name their Instagram account. My first thought is why, my second thought is why are they sharing an account in the first place. I can’t wait to see the drama they’ll make with it…

“Your birthday is soon,” Charlotte mentioned while she brushed my hair. “I see that you used to dye your hair, maybe I could get you more blue dye?”

_So she knows when I was born. So what?_

It’s been _forever_ since I last touched my hair. Dying it wasn’t something I was sincerely worried about right now. My personal hygiene wasn’t the best, but I used to dye it every now and then back when I was home to add some color and feel more comfortable with myself. Blue was like my trademark color. Guess it pays to have the name of a blue gemstone.

“... Sure,” I nonchalantly said.

“Sweet eighteen, you only have it once!” Charlotte chuckled, tying my hair back into a ponytail with a blue bow. I watched her in the mirror in front of me, a bit salty that I looked like Nancy. “Now go put on a coat. I’m sure he’ll be here any minute.” She left the room, humming a song under her breath.

I pulled the ribbon out of my hair, dissatisfied. I’d rather have my hair down, thanks. No way do I want to look like Nancy. I checked over how I looked in the mirror, wearing a long skirt and a halter top. 

_Does this look too…?_

_No. Just… go with it._

_You look badass. Kill it out there._

Calling a skirt and halter top badass? Pfft. Obviously I thought I was like Red Sonja or something. 

_I used to call Jasper that when we’d tease each other._

I stared at the mirror.

_… Maybe this date is a bad idea._

“Lapis! Someone’s here for you outside the gate!”

_Or… I could try and have fun with it. Relax from this… mess…_

_…_

_Yeah. Fuck it. Get out there._

I grabbed some quick makeup out from a drawer, putting on some mascara and dark blue lipstick. It’s been so long since I’ve last done anything like this.

_Come on, it’s just one date. You need to get back out there. You need to have… fun._

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“I honestly expected you to show up with the mail truck,” I joked, climbing into the passenger’s seat of the van. 

“My work would never let me take the mail truck for a date,” Jamie laughed. “My friends would laugh too…”

“You have friends?” I pretended to gasp.

“Ow, my lady, you’re hurting my feelings,” Jamie dramatically sighed, a hand over his forehead. “I need a doctor, stat!”

“You’d work out well in that theatre department you were talking about,” I commented, watching him. I put my seatbelt on.

“It’s all about timing, emotion, and heart,” Jamie said, recovering. “Without it, the whole scene can lose impact and the audience will be lost.”

_Yup. Definitely a dork._

“Isn’t it a bit too early to be picking me up?” I mentioned as he started to drive away from the mansion. “... You have something planned, don’t you?” I suspiciously raised a brow.

“Well… maybe a little,” Jamie nervously admitted.

“Tell,” I poked his shoulder. 

“That will ruin the surprise-“

“Don’t make me do this…” I laid back in my seat before I cleared my throat. “Jamie, _pleaaaase_?” I asked in a sing-song voice. “I’ll still act surprised.” 

_Jesus I sound like a kid._

“Do you like boardwalks?” Jamie asked.

“Is it the Beach City one?”

“Well, close. Have you been to the Ocean Town one?”

I shook my head. 

_Ocean Town has a boardwalk? It’s not that dumb taphouse Charlotte took me to, is it?_

“It’s not as fancy as Beach City’s from what I’ve heard, but it’s got some good food,” Jamie assured me.

“Well. By all means, I’m game,” I shrugged. “You had me at food.”

Jamie giggled. “You’re one remarkable woman, Lapis.”

“Don’t forget tired,” I added. “Charlotte had me up for hours. She’s so… uppity about stuff like this.”

“If you want, you can take a nap on the drive to where I’m taking you.”

“Really?”

“Of course!”

“Oh thank god.” I took the chance at once, closing my eyes and making myself comfortable. 

  
  


* * *

Jamie woke me up once we were there, which was just a small boardwalk with some boating docks and a few tiny shops. He parked in a mini parking lot nearby, so we only had to walk down a sandy path to the boardwalk instead of hiking there.

_Jamie’s not like the others. I think I can trust him._

“One day, I’ll take you to the Beach City boardwalk instead,” Jamie promised me, leading me down the boardwalk. “It’s so much more impressive.”

“I know,” I smiled. “I’ve been there.”

“You have?! It’s one of the things I’m looking forward to when my route gets changed,” Jamie said. 

“I think you’ll like it,” I winked.

“Can you tell me the details? The sights? The sounds?” Jamie excitedly pleaded.

“Mm… it’s the best boardwalk I know,” I messed with him by sparing all the juicy details.

“Aw, there’s gotta be more than that!” Jamie whined.

“Oh, there is,” I snickered. “I just won’t tell you so that it’s a surprise.”

“I’ll still act surprised,” Jamie quoted me from earlier.

“If you like roller coasters, it’s pretty good,” I began to explain. “Cotton candy, caramel apples… rocky road ice cream… I won this dumb dolphin stuffed animal once for popping balloons.”

“That sounds amazing,” Jamie commented. “What about popcorn?”

“Butter, cheddar, and kettle,” I listed. “They’ve even got the weird flavored ones that come in different colors.”

“No way!”

“Yes way.”

“What do they taste like?!”

“Cherry, I think,” I followed Jamie into a shop. “I’ve only had it once. I’m more of a kettle person.”

“Do you like it more than butter popcorn?”

“Fifty fifty,” I answered honestly. “I’ll take either or.” I examined the shop he took me into. “What’s this?”

“It’s a gift shop, but it’s also a sandwich place,” Jamie told me. “Unless you don’t like sandwiches, then I could take you somewhere else-“

“Sandwiches are fine,” I said.

“Excellent! This place makes them homemade on the spot,” Jamie lit up. “They even put in more meat than Subway does.”

“But can they top a five dollar footlong?” I laughed.

“Easily,” Jamie bet. 

I ordered a ham and cheese with a few vegetables. Some mayo too, because otherwise it’s going to be grossly dry. Jamie ordered turkey, I think. We talked a bit more while we waited for our food to be made, and then I realized… shit, I didn’t bring anything to pay with. I guess that Jamie noticed because I was checking myself as if I would find a wallet magically on me, and he said something about it.

“I’ll have Charlotte repay you,” I offered. 

“Oh! No, no, that’s fine. This is my treat,” Jamie waved his hand to decline my offer. “I am the one taking you on a date after all, my lady.”

“It’s no big deal. Charlotte won’t miss five bucks,” I bet.

He still said no. Which, made me feel a bit bad for him wasting money on me, but… damn, the sandwich was good. It was one of the best things I’ve ever had, and that’s… saying a lot since I don’t eat much.

_I feel like I’m too skinny or something… I heard one of the girls back at the mansion say I’m anorexic, but I’m not._

_Trust me, I’m not._

_It’s just… hard to eat._

If they knew, then they’d say something different. Maybe.

Once we ate our lunch, Jamie took me to the theatre that had had talked about during our first meeting. It wasn’t that far, and the drive was rather… scenic. I was able to watch the ocean from a pretty good distance. Snakes are entrancing to look at with how many colors they come in, just like spiders, but never get near them. Just like with the ocean.

“There’s a lot of places here that used to be so nice and absolutely stunning,” Jamie said as we drove past some rubble. “But when the fires happened-“

“How did they happen? What’s this fires everyone keeps mentioning?” I interrupted.

“Honestly, nobody’s too sure. The fire department says it was arson, police say it was dry grass that sparked it- there’s so many different stories.”

My facial expression dropped. What did these places look like before the fire? Was it truly as cool to look at like Jamie says? If they were, it goes to show that anything and everything can be destroyed. You can’t fight against nature, just like how you can’t do anything in ship accidents.

_“Lapis!”_

You can’t do anything at sea.

_“Lapis!”_

You’re surrounded by water.

_“LAPIS!”_

You’re drowning.

“Lapis?” Jamie waved a hand in front of me.

I blinked, confused about what was going on.

_Where are we…?_

“You… weren’t responding, and I got worried,” Jamie said, the car parked in a new place. 

“Sorry-“ I blurted, exiting the vehicle as Jamie got the door for me. “- I was daydreaming.”

“Daydreaming can be good,” Jamie innocently remarked.

“Can be,” I lowkey agreed, knowing that he didn’t know what I meant.

I stepped out, and Jamie seemed to glance for a bit longer at me. I gave him a _“what?”_ look.

Jamie seemed flustered, hiding his face. It reminded me of when pigeons groom themselves and hide their face in their wing. It’s a sort of… cute, action. “I… never realized how- how amazing you look up close,” he flashed me a toothy smile, closing the door behind me. We began to walk.

I snorted. “You’re such a sap,” I lightly pushed him in a playful manner.

“I have to say the truth. I can never lie,” Jamie crossed his heart. “Have you tried the Agate brand of mascara yet? Lots of theatre performers use it because it shows up well under stage lights. I could get you some if you’d like?”

“That’s okay,” I politely turned down. “I’ll stick with this brand for now.”

_Why does he keep offering to buy me things? Is he that selfless?_

“How about popcorn then?” Jamie offered instead, holding open the door to the theatre.

“Only to share,” I replied, not wanting him to waste any more money on me and also get something for himself. 

“It’s a deal,” he agreed, buying us a tub of buttery popcorn to share when we got inside. 

* * *

  
  
  


I’ve forgotten what it was like to feel this good; enjoying life in the moments that it can be, and sharing it with someone. I’ve forgotten what it was like to laugh, to smile, to have someone care. Jamie’s got this knack of picking up on details as it seems- he remembered I mentioned kettle corn earlier and you’ll never believe what he did when we left the theatre after watching that horrible movie that indeed was horrible. He bought me a small bag of kettle corn.

“Okay, you were right- that mouse and cockroach scene?” I laughed as we walked back to his car.

“Isn’t it terrifying?” Jamie joined me in discussion about what we had seen.

“Don’t forget the CGI,” I added.

“What other musicals or broadway do you know of?”

“I’m not sure… eh, _Wicked_?”

“Ooh, that’s a good one. Have you heard about _REPO_ ? Or if you’re more for the aesthetics and general look of most costumes, _The Lion King_ might be up your alley.”

“Jamie, nooo- I can't stand seeing Mufasa die again.”

“Have you seen the live action?”

I burst out into another laugh.

* * *

  
  


We got back around dark, and the sky had lots of rain clouds gathering. Sprinkles of rain would fall onto the car windows, covering it in drizzle.

“That doesn’t look too promising,” Jamie said as he observed the weather. “I can walk you up if you’d like, I’m pretty sure I have an umbrella-“

“It’s fine,” I waved off.

“Then how about-?”

“Jamie,” I began. I had my hands in my lap, making firm eye contact with him. “That… was honestly one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.” I ghosted my hand over his, my heart beating fiercely. I meant what I said. I’ve never had a good date like this before. Never had someone as… patient, or kind… 

… It feels almost unreal.

Jamie’s face reddened. He adjusted the collar of his shirt, watching me.

“Thank you,” I almost whispered, “for this.” I held his hand.

There was this… period of silence between us. We didn’t say anything- we didn’t even kiss- we just sat there, hand in hand, listening to each other’s breathing. Until Jamie at last spoke that is.

“Would you perhaps, maybe, be interested in another date?” Jamie asked me. We still had our hands clasped together, which pulled my heartstrings. His hand was soft and warm, comforting and assuring. He didn’t have calloused hands like Jasper or the lying, cheating bastard brand of Kevin. He was Jamie, and he was kind. He was patient. He was… everything I needed.

I wanted to nod. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to enjoy something like this again and for once be a _teenager,_ a _child,_ just enjoying life without the pain. I could be happy. I could be.

_But this… doesn’t feel right…_

_Jamie is a sweet guy. He isn’t like me. He doesn’t know pain and suffering, neither should he ever know. He’s selfless. He cares, he listens, he..._

_Leave him untainted, Lapis._

_Let him go._

_… That’s the hard part._

“I’m… sorry,” I said, pulling my hand away from his. “I…” I swallowed back my want to say yes, to see him again and laugh so much that my sides would hurt, to smile and be thankful that I was alive, but I declined. It didn’t feel good, but I had to say no.

_You have to break his heart, and you have to let go of what this could’ve been._

_Don't take him down with you._

“... Goodbye, Jamie.” I left the car, and I didn’t look back. My heart was heavy, drowning in its own demise. My eyes were watering.

_You were the nicest man I met. The nicest person I’ve ever met._

_And that’s... why I have to let you go._

The rain had picked up to a downpour, but I didn’t care. I unlocked the gate and made my way onto the property. I knocked once I reached the door, let in by a house servant.

“Lapis! How did it go?” Charlotte smiled when she saw me. She was sitting in one of the chairs in the living room, cozied up with a large blanket made of white sheep wool. “Did he ask you out for another one?” She chuckled.

I didn’t respond.

“Lapis…? Dear, are you okay?”

I went to my room without a word.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Oh, I’m so sorry…” Charlotte passed me a small plate of chocolate cake topped with vanilla frosting and cinnamon sugar. 

I lied to her. I told her that it didn’t work out. I told her that we weren’t meant for each other and all that cheesy shit. I lied, and I lied for good reason.

_I shouldn’t have agreed to a date… what was I thinking?_

_I’m a fucking idiot._

“Do you need to talk?” Charlotte asked.

“... I want to be alone,” I blurted, deadpan. 

Charlotte seemed surprised. But she soon nodded, and then she left my room, shutting the door behind her.

I stared blankly at the cake piece. Pumpkin jumped up onto my bed, prompting me to move it to a higher place so that she wouldn’t get it. I ignored the bag of kettle corn on my drawer.

_It’s better to be alone. Nobody gets hurt, but… nobody will be there when you’re at your lowest._

_The thing is, sometimes you’ll make stupid decisions thinking it is for the best, when all you do is hurt yourself too._

_You had a chance to be happy. Genuinely happy._

_And you turned it down._

_Do I need other people to make myself happy? Am I too far gone if only other people can make me happy?_

_Some people are born like this. For other people, they… become like this..._

_… We were put on this earth to suffer and cry. Yet… I keep begging my future self to know that my past self prayed for her happiness, as if I want my future self to know we were put here on this earth to feel joy instead..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Ending is quote reference to “Letter from the Lost Days” from the Silent Hill OST


	79. Week Eleven - Lapis, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis enjoys the day with Pumpkin in town, taking her mind off of sulking.

“Back to school- god, I forgot about school.” I watched as Nancy and Mary threw on a coat, rushing outside with excited giggles.

“We won’t be long,” Charlotte promised. “My husband will be home in a few hours, and there’s always the maids if you need anything.” She tied a scarf around her neck.

“And… why can’t I go to school?” I frowned. “It’s my last year. Might as well get it over with.”

“You don’t want to drop out?”

“That’s… legal here?”

_ Funny I ask that since this is the same family that SOLD their baby, which I’m pretty sure is illegal. _

“Once you’re sixteen, you can drop out of high school,” Charlotte explained to me. “But, if you want, I could sign you up last minute either at Ocean-“

“Beach City,” I blurted. “What about… Beach City?” I don’t know what came over me to say that. I just… did.

“Beach City?” Charlotte blankly stared. “Oh, that new school a bit over in the next town... I wouldn’t waste my time with it though, it sounds cheap.”

“So what? As long as I graduate,” I attempted to reason..

Charlotte sighed. “Then you should be fine with the same school your sisters go to.”

“I want to go to the Beach City school.”

“It’ll be so much more paperwork and-“

“You said it yourself. It’s  _ cheap _ . Save your money by sending me there.”

“Goodness, no, I want what’s best for you-“

“You DON’T know what’s best for me!” I raised my voice, getting visibly frustrated. “You sold me, you took me away from my brother, yet you know what’s best for me?! How the fuck does that make any sense?!” I started going off. And I  _ am  _ saying the truth!

“Lapis-“

“Don’t call me that!” Usually I’m better tempered, since I need to ‘sweet-act’ my way through, but I’ve been prone to irritability much more recently. It’s just… been a lot lately...

Charlotte’s usually calm expression hardened. A lump formed in my throat.

“Fine,” Charlotte shrugged. “I’ll just call you Margo.” She played with her scarf. 

“Margo? What the hell kind of name is that?!” I’m not feeling any kind of assurance right now. I’m pissed.

Charlotte glanced at the ground. “It was the name I was going to name you until your father stepped in,” Charlotte told me. “If you don’t want to be called Lapis, then, I’ll call you Margo. How’s that?”

_ Why did she struggle to reply for a bit? _

_ Weird... _

I scoffed. “Fine.” I crossed my arms, already turning away.

“Fine,” Charlotte huffed. “Come on, girls! Those sales won’t last long.”

_ Margo… What a stupid name. Thank god I wasn’t named that.  _

_ Charlotte can call me that all she likes- I don’t care. I’m not her daughter, and she’s not my mom. _

I watched with bitterness, waiting until they had left before I headed back to my room. Pumpkin met me halfway, a chew toy in her mouth. I picked her up and brought her with me.

_ At least I can always count on Pumpkin… _

I set her down on the bed for a second, getting a new outfit together. One that was less hot and more cooler, since I’m thinking I can go in the direction of that rocky beach Charlotte took us to before. Not for the water, no, but… just to get out of here for a bit. I need to clear my head for a bit. I’m gonna go insane.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Pumpkin was already panting and we didn’t even reach the hill yet. She was dressed in her little orange harness, her tongue lolling and her paws working overtime to match my stride. I kept her leash in one hand, taking her along for some exercise and company.

“Don’t mess with that. It’s going to hurt you,” I pulled Pumpkin away from a crab that she had been sniffing. “You won’t like it when it snaps at you,” I laughed.

The scent of the ocean is one I can describe as… salty. But, also watery. Psh. That’s a pretty boring way to describe the ocean. Maybe some death in the mix? That could make it more… spicy. 

I’ve always thought of it as… weird, how I’m like the only person to not die at sea. My parents, the captain, the crew, everyone didn’t make it... yet I’m the one to survive? Pretty lousy choice, Mother Nature. Sure, leave the one kid who would grow up to disappoint everyone alive. Drown the parents who had children waiting for them back home, kill the crew members just doing their job, and kill the people who could’ve been there for me longer.

… I don’t blame what happened on my parents. They… were very good people. I’m just… mad, that they had to leave me, if that makes any sense. I’m mad that they were taken from me, and now I’m  _ here _ . And it still remains as pretty coincidental that I am the only one alive out of everyone else on that same boat. It’s like I’m the main character in some movie who’s only alive for dramatic backstory and character development I didn’t ask for.

I sat down at the top of a rocky hill, letting my feet rest on some sand. Pumpkin jumped into my lap, happy to take a quick rest. I pet behind her ears just as she likes it. 

_ I wanted to go on that second date so bad… _

_ But is it even… worth it? _

_ I don’t deserve it. I would just ruin Jamie. _

_ On top of that, jesus, I’m still in a relationship with Jasper. Right? _

_ … It’s better than fucking Kevin. Literally. He had a tiny dick anyways. I faked how good it was. I hope he chokes and dies. _

I watched a seagull land just within inches of my proximity. It picked at a baby crab that was scuttling along the rocks, gobbled it down, then flew off. 

_ How brutal. _

_ Things die all the time, yet I can’t get over it. _

Pumpkin chased after the seagull when it landed again, prompting me to run after her. I snatched her up, deciding to hold her instead.

“Hey! Pumpkin, you’re gonna get hurt,” I scolded Pumpkin, taking her back to the mansion. “How about we go somewhere else? Somewhere where you can’t get hurt?” 

I know Pumpkin doesn’t talk, but dammit, it makes me feel less… alone. I’m kind of thirsty, so maybe we can head into town and grab a small icee, some whipped cream for Pumpkin… I know I can just ask someone at the mansion to get me something, but I don’t think people are slaves. I don't want to be a part of that rich shit. I don’t care if it’s their job, making someone wash your feet and comb your hair or get you the television remote is lazy and taking advantage of people. People who find power in  _ owning _ others  _ frightens _ me.

_ I’d rather be with those I trust instead of absolute strangers who think they know me... _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


If anything, all I did was ask for someone to drive me into town so that I wouldn’t have to walk so much. And I made sure to thank them as I left the vehicle with Pumpkin. I had some money on me so I could get what I wanted, as well as a tiny smidge extra just in case. I put Pumpkin into her harness again, leading her along with her leash. 

It wasn’t too hot today. I mean, it wasn’t as hot as it was yesterday. Today’s more cloudy and cool, and being by an ocean pays off. Yesterday was hot as hell though, since it was so sunny. Ironic too, since Wednesday it rained only for Thursday to be scorching then today is more… relaxed. I’m not complaining though.

“Stay here, okay?” I gently whispered to Pumpkin as I tied her outside the gas station. I would’ve snuck her in with me but the store would hate me. I’ll keep an eye on her while I’m inside just in case. I tugged on the leash to see if she could get loose, satisfied to find it was tied tight. “I won’t be long. I promise.”

I headed inside the store, quickly grabbing what I wanted so I could get out faster. I took a can of whipped cream, a water bottle, and I made myself a small cherry icee. I was expecting the cashier to look at me funny for my items, but they didn’t, and I’m grateful for that. I took my change after I paid, then exited. Pumpkin was waiting for me, her tail wagging happily when she saw me.

“Does somebody want a snack?” I cooed to the dog, opening up the whipped cream bottle. I shook it and put some on my palm, letting Pumpkin lick it off. I’ll save the rest for later.

I drank my icee and washed my hand off with the water bottle, pouring some water for Pumpkin too using the bowl left outside for people to give their dogs water with during the summer. I can’t believe that while my life is going through spirals, there’s other people out there who only have to worry about stuff like school or a job. Meanwhile, I’m here, and my summer definitely… hasn’t been the best. If I go to school, I can say for certain, I have the most interesting story to tell everyone when they do those weird ‘get to know me’ exercises.

Pumpkin and I walked the town a bit before I decided we would begin heading back. It’s not that long a walk back home and I’ve memorized what road to take thanks to Charlotte, plus a little more walking and some scenic routes can’t hurt. It’s still daylight, I have Pumpkin with me, I’m fine. It’s not like a super long walk compared to the on foot traveling I have already done before.

I stayed close to the sides, avoiding the road, and Pumpkin would get tired here and there so I’d hold her for a while until she wanted to be put back down. It’s pretty calm if you ask me. There’s not too many people here either, surprisingly. Delmarva is like a dead state. I find it nicer than up in the next state.

I noticed that Pumpkin stopped walking as we came to some trees, walking along a hiking trail that led down to the road leading to the neighborhood the mansion was in. She started… barking? “Pumpkin!” I called. “Pumpkin! Come on!” She didn’t budge. She just kept barking.

_ Maybe a pigeon or a seagull… _

“Pumpkin!” I stepped forward, ready to pick her up so we can continue our journey home. That’s when I stopped coldly.

There’s a  _ person  _ on the side of the road. They were lying in the undergrowth, either sleeping or passed out. 

I slowly picked Pumpkin up, never taking my eyes off the person.

_ Maybe they’re homeless…? _

_ Those clothes don’t look too ragged… _

_ Should I approach them?  _

I don’t know, honestly.

_ It could be a trap. This could be like for something- a kidnapping? _

I watched both my surroundings and the person.

_ Why isn’t the person moving? _

_ Don't tell me it’s a dead body, I will freak out. _

I boldly stepped near. 

_ I think they’re unconscious… _

I tapped the person’s back.

Nothing.

Huh. Alright…

Pumpkin wasn’t growling nor was she panicking, she was just panting now. 

_ Maybe…  _

I moved the person’s head a little, trying to see if they were sleeping or what. 

_ Wait a minute. _

My hand froze.

_ … Oh my god. _

My heart stopped.

_ I know this person. _

_ She seems dehydrated-... Super dehydrated… She looks fucking horrible. _

_ Oh my god-. _

I had to put Pumpkin back down so that I could try and lift the person up, gradually and bit by bit taking her into my arms. 

_ How light is she?!  _

_ Her leg looks like it was bleeding-. _

_ She needs a doctor. Holy shit. Oh my god…- _

_ What happened to your hair?! _

_ FUCK! How did you-?! I-...! _

I ensured that Pumpkin was following me once I had the person in my arms, my muscles screaming for rest but going unheard. I headed home, clearly spooked.

_ Okay, hang in there.  _

_ I swear to god if you die on me, I’m going to choke you in hell. _

I have no idea how Peridot ended up all the way over here by the town, but god- I don’t know if she’s dead or passed out, and I’m scared to know the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Easter egg in this chapter: Margo was the name of the depressed teen girl Lapis was said to be based off of that Rebecca had created in her earlier years, in an unfinished comic called “Margo in Bed.” Margo is like a prototype-Lapis so to speak.  
> https://rebeccasugar.tumblr.com/post/142439158688/a-few-more-disparate-pages-from-my-unfinished
> 
> ... Not the to be confused with the bearded dragon Margo.


	80. Week Eleven - Peridot, Friday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot finds herself in a new place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Beginning of this chapter in italics is a dream/nightmare.
> 
> CW/TW; hints of suicidal thoughts, internal ableism, self doubt and trauma, and use of the r-slur once

I get nervous everytime a car is on the road. Even just hearing one gives me the jitters! What’s the telltale signs that a wound is getting infected? I’m no doctor and I’m getting super worried about my leg. I checked my side before I continued on, hesitantly, and it seemed… not… so good. It’s bruised so it’s all purple and icky, but the good news is I can still breathe so I’m sure it isn’t too major. 

I managed to kinda crawl and hobble my way through- it’s not too glorious but I did it! I made it farther! And hopefully far away from Jasper because I sure do not want to get caught again. I kinda went more into the trees and to this strange road that looked a bit like a hiking trail or a dirt road for cars… I mean, I’m trying here! I am! I really am! Ow, my body hurts…

I could just… rest here for a bit… let my leg and side rest… yeah, that’s a good idea.

_I’m not sure how long I rested for? But the longer I had my eyes closed, the more tired I felt- it’s a super confusing predicament. I believe it has something to do with sleep cycles?_

_I mean, I feel pretty refreshed now? So it wouldn’t hurt to keep going._

_Maybe I walked too far though. Wait… I’m at…- Whoa! Gosh I must’ve been walking forever! I’m at the equine center! Where’s the chickens at?! I wanna see the chickens-!_

_“Peridot! You’re back for your scheduled appointment.”_

_I was in the barn, and someone familiar was there with me. Or should I say two familiar people? One’s a horse actually- pony, I mean._

_“Rose? Edmond!” I reached out to pet the horse. “This is so great, I was just-!”_

_“Peridot…” Rose pulled a brush out from a bucket on the floor. “I have something to tell you.”_

_“You do?” I stood there, dumbfounded. “Uh, okay. Sure, what do you… have to tell me?”_

_“You’re not broken.” Rose went on to groom Edmond’s neck with the brush. “Peridot, you never were. Those are the words of people who raised you, who never understood you and never wanted to. You believed them, because they were all you had and knew.”_

_I blinked, lost on what was going on._

_“Society wasn’t built to accommodate people who need assistance- people who need understanding, empathy, and to be heard. … I’m sorry. You’re left with a lot to work with, because other people couldn’t do it in the first place.”_

_I stared down at my feet. “... This isn’t real. Is it?” I can’t see the details in my hands. I was talking to Rose! This was a dream._

_Rose began to fade away, bursting into flower petals. “None of this is, Peridot. This is a manifestation of your thoughts composed into what you want to see- what you want to say to yourself, because nobody else can for you. It’s easy to create projections of those who have passed to become a physical aspect of your thoughts. It’s because they are dead, and so you can make them say what you want to hear. Things you need said to you. Because nobody else can.”_

_“I’m… all alone,” I shivered, stepping back. The entire barn disappeared around me. Edmond too._

_“But you’re not.”_

_“I feel like I am!” I hugged myself, my voice straining. “Nobody else- nobody will ever… want to listen to me! My mom hates me, I- I can’t find my friends, Jasper wanted to-!” I gripped my head. “I’m so… alone.”_

_“If you keep telling yourself that, you are.”_

_“I’m not worth anything.”_

_“Your worth isn’t up for debate. You’re the one deciding if you’re worth anything based on how helpful you think you are. But truth be told, you’re worth a lot. You’re alive. You’re a human being. And your worth means something, no matter what others say. Worth built upon contribution often crumbles more than the worth built upon love and life. Don’t determine your fate based on your flaws. Build your worth based on self priority, and know that your strengths, no matter how small, mean something.”_

_“I’m… telling myself this, because I want to keep going, but I can’t…” I realized._

_Rose was gone. I was talking to myself in a void of black._

_“Am I dying?!” I yelled. My voice echoed back to me, and I felt like I was trapped inside a box where anything I said just… echoed. Echoed, like as if my voice isn’t being heard or going anywhere. It hurts my head just like how hurt my leg was-. I can’t feel my leg anymore though, so I’m not sure if I’m healing, I’m passed out, I’m dying, or worse. It’s so confusing…_

_I was super tired before I closed my eyes…_

_My throat hurts too…_

_I stepped around some, trying to find some leverage or some answer to this weird situation. I’m dreaming, and I’m seeing stuff… maybe I am dying. Oh gosh-._

_Huh, that’s weird. Was that door always there? I walked through it, welcomed into a white room with air conditioning. Am I still dreaming?_

_The door slammed behind me. I jumped._

_“How was your adventure?” My mother’s voice asked me. “Did you get all your frustration out? Are you done being difficult?”_

_I frantically peered around, finding nothing. “Leave me alone! Clod!” I growled. “Leave me alone already! I don’t care if you or Jasper or anybody else-! I’m done with this! DONE! Zip! Zero! GAH!”_

_“You could be normal.”_

_“I’m already normal!” I backed up, hitting a wall. I held my arms close to my chest. “F-fuck normal!” I stammered, my voice unsteady. “Who cares about what’s normal?! I used to think I wasn’t normal… but- it turns out what you were doing to me wasn’t okay!!”_

_“And who told you that?”_

_I gulped. “My… friends…” I said._

_“So what happens if your friends leave you? Or what if they find you to be a bit too much? Don’t be so dumb, Peridot. Come to mommy.”_

_“My friends will never leave me…” I retaliated, holding my ground._

_“Lapis was angry at you when you denied sleeping with her. She was so angry.”_

_I flinched. I still remember how she looked at me… “She… she was…”_

_“What if you deny her again? What if she gets fed up with your foolish actions?”_

_“I…” I sniffed, rubbing my nose. “I don’t know…”_

_“Mother will always have you. Mother knows what’s best. She will help you, and heal you.”_

_“Heal me? But I’m-!”_

_“Imperfect, far from okay. With technology, you can be perfect.”_

_“I don’t want to be-.”_

_Something grabbed my throat. I placed my hands on whatever was grabbing me, only to find I was doing it… to myself? I was staring… at me._

_“Just hold still.”_

_“I’ll have you turned in to your mother. She’ll know what to do.”_

_“Relax, and let the surgeon do his job.”_

_“You’re never going to get anywhere like this.”_

_“Give it up.”_

_“You’re holding onto something unattainable.”_

_“Your friends will leave you eventually.”_

_“Remember your old friends?”_

_“You know what you are. Retard. Insignificant. Unimportant. Clingy. Fussy. Loud. And messy.”_

_“Someone else could’ve been born instead, but it HAD to be you.”_

_“Failure.”_

_“You robbed what could’ve been someone else’s life- someone who is more successful than you. Functional. Purposeful.”_

_“This world isn’t made for people like you. You contribute nothing. Just fucking kill yourself. Give your place to the people who are more important than you.”_

_“STOP IT!” I clamped my hands over my ears. “STOP IT-!”_

I don’t know how long I was screaming. All I remember next is that there was this light, people were moving around me and I panicked a bit more, and then… 

My arm’s connected to something?

I had to be reassured and… told multiple times that I’m okay. 

I think the nurse is tired of me. She says I just started… screaming.

I don’t remember screaming too much, or how I got here...

The nurse also said that she had to tell me over and over again I’m not getting any kind of surgery, because apparently I kept _begging_ for them to not do a lobotomy.

All in all, I’m… pretty embarrassed of myself. How come I don’t remember doing any of that?

There’s an IV in my arm like the nurse said, and she said it’s to rehydrate me. I got my leg and my side bandaged up too.. I’m in a soft bed and there’s a small television across the room. It’s not the room that I was in before back when I was being prepped for lobotomy. This place seems… different.

I’m… not so sure about where or how I even-... but… this place was better than that place- any place is, honestly. And I think that it’s a little better now with this random little dog here. 

I stared at the tiny dog as it tried to jump up onto my bed. It made annoyed grunts and growls when it was unable to reach me. What is that? A chihuahua? Wait, no, that’s too fluffy to be a chihuahua… What is that? What do you want from me?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, DOG?!

“- ran this way and I tried to stop her. Sorry-“ 

Hang on, I know that voice. Stars! No, can it be? I’m dreaming, aren’t I? I wish I can pinch myself to be sure but I’m scared of ripping this IV out and hurting myself in doing so.

I watched, unable to say anything as Lapis entered the room. She grabbed the small dog that had been terrorizing me with its fluffy cuteness- ugh, _cute_ \- and she noticed I was up.

I stared.

She stared.

I stared back.

I think the dog kinda stared too? Wait, nevermind, it’s trying to lick its butt-.

Is this staring contest over yet? My eyes are getting watery. Can I drink whatever is in the IV? Or like… would that kill me? I’m pretty sure it won’t if it’s going into my body, but still-.

“... Hey.” Lapis slowly sat down at the foot of my bed. What time is it? I’m so hungry! Where am I? How did-.

“... Hi,” I nasally responded with a confused blink. 

We stared at each other again. I AM SO SICK OF THIS STARING CONTEST! 

“... Are you doing okay?” Lapis asked me.

“Uh…” I glanced at the IV, then back at Lapis. “Sure?” I then looked at the dog. “Who’s that?”

“It’s just Pumpkin. She’s… always excited about new people,” Lapis explained. “She ran down the hall and I tried to stop her.”

An awkward pause.

“So what… happened?” I finally continued the conversation. “How did I…?”

“Pumpkin found you while I was on my way home. Saw you, got you some medical help…” Lapis sighed, petting the dog. “... I can explain more later.”

“Oh. Uh, okay,” I casually shrugged.

And then Lapis just… got up and left? What the…-? The heck? She didn’t even say anything else?! She just literally LEFT? WITH THE DOG?

… Pah, okay then. I pouted for a bit then got over it. I mean, I’m in a safe place and I’m finally back with someone I know! One of my friends!!

…

… Unless she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore… I hope that’s not the case… 

That was a super weird conversation though. I haven’t seen Steven or Lapis in forever and all she says to me is a ‘hi’ and ‘here’s my dog’?! Where’s Steven?! Do they know what happened while we were split up?! I have a LOT to tell them!!

… I’m just scared if my friends _would_ grow sick of me though. Friends wouldn’t do that… right? 

The thing is I’m not sure, however. And it especially worries me because I’m… me. 

… And I can’t change that, no matter how many times I tie my hands together or cut my hair or say my name is Percy.


	81. Week Twelve - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis asks Peridot how she ended up here.
> 
> CW/TW; hints of grieving, themes of depression

“Your friend is doing fine,” Charlotte informed me as she sat down on my bed. I ignored her for the most part, finishing up what I was reading. Most of these books are what people call outdated, but Steinbeck has some interesting reads. It’s enough to help me dispatch from my own world and for a moment, even just for a second, immerse into something different.

“Has she always been underweight? The nurse says that she looks rather skinny,” Charlotte continued talking to me.

_ Stop acting like you care. _

_ Don’t sit on my bed pretending you’re listening and wanting to talk to me. _

Charlotte sighed. “... Do you really want to go to that silly Beach City school?”

I slowly put down my book. 

_ Some of my friends are going to be there from what I’ve heard. Many people are transferring there, so it must be good, right? _

_ It’s my last year of high school. Enjoy it. _

_ You need it after all the shit that’s been going on. _

“Yeah,” I murmured.

“It starts in September unlike other schools. It’s a little bit after your birthday, so-“

“Are you saying that’s your birthday gift to me?” I butted in. 

“It could be,” Charlotte said. “Or if you’d rather have a private cruise, or a-“

“I’ll take the school,” I rolled my eyes.

“Will you be fine there? It’s rather a long way out of Ocean Town-“

“I’ll be fine.” I put away my book, glancing back at Charlotte. I said nothing more, walking out of my room to go check on Peridot. 

_ That was… weird.  _

_ She’s never that-. _

_ Is she drunk? Pft, that’d be amusing.  _

_ Charlotte being overly nice to me like that is just…  _

_ It’s weird. _

_ She gave me a phone like she said she would too. I tried to contact Steven and he won’t answer me. Neither will Greg, or Pearl... _

_ There’s no way in hell that Charlotte would just be this nice-. _

_ … Whatever. _

I walked down the stairs, Pumpkin on my heels as soon as I reached the bottom step. 

Peridot's doing fine, yeah, but… I need to know what she was doing, and what’s going on. I gave her a few days to rest without interruption, and now my curiosity is killing me. 

Finally, I’m with someone I know again, even if it’s not Steven I’ll take it. I could really use some familiarity right now.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


I waited outside the room for about six minutes before I was finally allowed in, since the nurse was running a few tests and renewing the bandages on Peridot’s side. I kept Pumpkin out of the room since I don’t want her bothering Peridot right now. It’s… sad though seeing how fussy she gets when away from me for too long. I think she has separation anxiety. I know chihuahuas get it, but can Pomeranians…? Probably.

“I want to talk to her alone,” I said quietly to the nurse when she let me in. She’s a private nurse hired by the family as I’m told by Charlotte. Her name is Dakota. I personally don’t have any sort of beef with her, I just get annoyed when she asks about my nose. Yeah, she’s the same nurse that looked at my nose. I get she wants to help me but it’s just… too repetitive. Irritating. I watched her step out of the room for a moment and close the door behind her.

Peridot was on the bed, poking at her bandages until she saw me. She quickly raised her blanket up over herself, staring at me. “I wasn’t messing with anything,” she blurted without context.

I made a face. “What?”

Peridot glanced to the side. “Don’t tell the nurse I’m messing with them- pleeeease! I know she tells me not to mess with my bandages, but... AGH, IT’S SO ITCHY!” She whined. 

“Oh.” I stepped a bit closer. “That sucks.”

“Yeah! It does!” Peridot huffed. “She says I need a cast for my leg if the x-rays come back showing fractures! A CAST!!”

“It can’t be too bad,” I shrugged.

“It can be if I want to go anywhere!” Peridot continued griping. 

“Like where?” I monotoned.

Peridot paused. “I…” she scratched her head. “I don’t know…”

“Same hat.”

“You’re not wearing a hat though-“

“Peridot. It’s an expression,” I explained.

“Oh.” Her eyes lit up. “Oooh! Yeah, I can see that now! It’s like raining cats and dogs, it’s not literal-“

“Can you tell me how you ended up… where you were?” I cut her off.

Peridot immediately fell silent.

“... Please?” I added. “... I just… would like to know what happened. I don’t think it's a coincidence that you got near here.”

Peridot rubbed her arms.

I waited.

Peridot cleared her throat.

I waited some more.

Peridot crossed her arms. “I uh… well…-“

“Yeah?”

“It’s… it’s a long story.”

“And I’d like to hear it.”

“No!” Peridot exclaimed, surprising me. “I mean- no. It’s… it’s complicated.”

“You can tell me anything. I don’t care how dumb it sounds.” I sighed, making firm eye contact on her. “I just… want to know what’s going on.” I nervously leaned all my weight on one leg. “I’ve got a phone again now but even Steven isn’t answering me. Nobody is. I’m in the dark with no idea what’s happening. I just want at least  _ one  _ idea of what’s going on.” 

Peridot looked at me.

“We’re in this together,” I told her. “We’re all… runaways.”

Peridot slowly nodded. “... I- I tried looking for you and Steven after I… I…” she shivered, “I… ran into some-somebody…”

_ She’s stammering. _

Peridot's voice quivered. “She said she knows you, she said… her name is Jasper and-“

“Jasper?” My voice choked up in my throat. I backed up. 

_ Holy… _

_ No, she’s messing with you. She’s joking. _

_ She’s joking. _

“What did she look like?” I asked.

“Pretty big and tall and scary,” Peridot answered me. “She uh- wanted to turn me in-“ she took a deep breath in, “- at first she was helping me find you and Steven again because she said she knew you so I said okay and even though she looked scary I mean hey big people can help me I’m small and people can take me down easy or something so I said let’s team up and we took all these roads and we saw Pearl’s house and then we started going along on a map but when Jasper found out my name is Peridot she went crazy and she-“

“Okay. Okay, slow down,” I hushed.

_ Oh god, she’s crying. _

_ … Shit. _

I’m no good at comforting people. 

I can’t do this right now. I’m…  _ upset  _ if it’s MY Jasper that Peridot is talking about, I can’t get through to my brother, I’m stuck here- suddenly Charlotte telling me that I can go to stupid Beach City High or whatever is the most greatest thing in my life.

You know what? How about I just don’t even go to school, I never get a job, I never get a degree, and I just sit around and die, because my life has become a living hell that I’m crawling in.

I quickly left the room, telling the nurse to go check on Peridot on my way out.

I want to scream into a fucking abyss.

_ She didn’t mean it. She’s playing. It isn’t Jasper. It can’t be Jasper. _

_ … But it makes sense- Jasper is my girlfriend and she… she would do anything for me, no matter how much we fight or argue… _

_ And most importantly, she never gives up. So if Peridot says she wants to turn her in for whatever reason, Jasper isn’t going to quit. _

I bolted to my room, grabbing my new phone and furiously texting in Jasper’s number. I sent her a few texts. My heart was beating so fast as I anxiously waited for a response from ANYBODY, let it be Greg or Pearl. Jasper, or Steven. I just need SOMEBODY to fucking answer me. I NEED  _ SOMEBODY  _ TO FUCKING ANSWER.

I slammed my phone down onto my bed. I grabbed a pillow and chucked it to the floor, stomping on it a few times afterward as overkill. 

Why won’t anybody answer me?

WHY ISN’T ANYBODY RESPONDING TO ME?

I just want my goddamn brother back, and the only thing this earth gives me is Peridot, who’s a stupid-!

…

… Okay. She isn’t stupid. She saved my life before. I’m just… fucking upset. So fucking upset.

I stared down at my pillow, pulling at my hair. 

I want my brother back. I want Greg back. I want Rose back, I want the farm back…

I want my life back.

Nobody, no teenager should be going through this shit. This is too much.

I laid back on my bed, contemplating for a moment before I reached over for my phone. Still no text replies. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

I’m hoping that going to school can give me a sense of… normalcy, again, but my life will never be the same again. I can’t go back to what it was like before. No more Lion, no more family dinners and no more Just Dance, no more Edmond and no more Harley… 

I texted Steven again for at least the twelfth time.

**6:37 PM**

**To: STEVEN**

**Hey.**

**I miss you.**

**I hope you’re doing okay.**

**Please… call me or text me when you can.**

… Who am I kidding? Steven doesn’t even have anything to contact me with and he probably never will if he’s still stuck at that horrible place with those horrible people. What if he has a new phone that I don’t know the number to? What if he… is better off without me? What if he and Greg took off and started anew? What happened to the farm anyway? What if something bad happened and I wasn’t there to-?

He isn’t answering me. Nobody is.

I stared at the phone in my hand.

**6:40 PM**

**To: STEVEN**

**I love you. Okay?**

I felt my eyes water. 

I just feel so... alone.


	82. Week Twelve - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot gets a rather... confusing and sudden visit.

I’m told that this place is more like a room inside an actual house so that it’s more convenient for a private doctor to just swoop by and take care of a sick person, and UGH... THE FOOD HERE IS GOOD. It’s not as good as Pearl’s is of course, but I’ll take it. I’m given three meals a day. My very first meal was some soup and other soft things but gradually they expanded into sandwiches and even roasted chicken. I still would prefer Pearl’s breakfast items though… I get lots of water bottles now that I’m off that IV. I hated that thing so much. I wanted to chew it- like chew the cord or… something.

I’ve also got a cool leg brace on my leg! It’s temporary, don’t worry, I can walk around in no time, it’s just until my leg heals because the nurse said she wants to be sure that nothing is broken, and on top of that, I got crutches. They’re the most funnest thing ever until I slip up or dive headfirst into the ground because I’m not used to them. The nurse would let me go down the hall with them and I’d catch a glimpse of what looks like a huuuge mansion living room, but then I’d be ushered back to my room before I got any ideas. I’ve never had crutches before, so this is a first. They’re so… wobbly… clanky… huge and too in my armpits… Eugh, gross.

It’s been BORING here believe it or not! I just SIT HERE ALL DAY! What’s the fun in that?? Yeah I have a TV, but it’s only cable! I have to stay up late if I want to watch anything like good tv shows, and I have to stay tuned to multiple channels to catch a glimpse of a movie! Guess how many times I’ve seen the first Dogcopter movie? Too many! Why do so many channels have that movie?!

I’m doing my best to make the most of it. I’m still alive after all and it’s been wack. 

… I just wish Lapis would visit me here and there. She hasn’t visited me since her last visit, where I told her about Jasper and then she left. Did I upset her? Did I do something wrong? Oh I hope not… she’s the only friend I got now! Or… acquaintance, anyway.

But… things have been weird for me too lately. I have bad dreams, and I also react weirdly when someone touches me? I mean, the nurse tried to touch my leg once to check my leg brace and I… I guess I reacted in a way that alarmed her because she avoids touching me if she can now. 

Is this normal? I don’t think it is. Between bad dreams and being scared of people touching me… has this entire journey done something to me that I don’t understand? 

My most recent bad dream though… I don’t like to remember it. My mom was involved in it, and… I know I should just forget her already since she’s never going to accept me but it’s just-! It’s hard to forget everything she did to me! How was I supposed to know that her tying my hands together and withholding food from me until I behaved according to her criteria was BAD?!

My only means of contacting the outside world is very limited. Not just because I have nothing on me anymore, nononono, it’s because now that I’m a FUGITIVE, I need to keep myself on the more quiet side. That means no more social media, no more… texting, photo snapping… 

It’s like I don’t exist anymore. I can’t exist, because my existence means my own death or if not my actual physical death, then the death of my mental state of being where I’m stuck as a soulless zombie!

… I… kind of wonder… how is Volley doing…?

I’m supposed to be getting my leg brace removed once the nurse is sure that my skin has healed completely. I’m hoping that’s soon. I wanna get out of here and go somewhere… But the brace does look a bit cool… It reminds me of sci fi movies, which I’m proud of if I say so myself. It’ll be off in no time and I’ll be free again!

… Oh.

I can’t.

Where would I go? With what money? I am RIDICULOUS, simply the most abominable if I think I can get anywhere now!! I’m a wanted face! I’m a criminal! All because my stupid MOM doesn’t like me! 

Gah… this is so silly… 

Why did I ever let my mom take me to therapy… horses caused all this… it’s a new conspiracy theory…

I raised a brow when I heard the door open. Was the nurse coming to check on me again? I straightened my posture as I saw that it was Lapis, and with her was some woman I haven’t seen before. Hey, what’s going on-?

I can’t help but be a _little_ salty when Lapis came in, because she left me SO FAST the last time that I’m beginning to think I’m here until she gets bored of me. “Hey- hey!” I exclaimed, some alarm going off in my system as I’m very confused about what's happening.

“This is Charlotte,” Lapis introduced me to the stranger.

“Okay, and?” I groaned, already wondering when she’s going to run off on me again. Or maybe she’s going to get mad at me.

_You’re a nuisance, Peridot! That’s why she left!_

_Then why is she back?!_

_WHY ARE YOU SO CONFUSING, LAPIS?!?_

Lapis seemed displeased by my attitude. The woman on the other hand wasn’t much fazed. 

“It’s nice to meet you more formally,” the woman said. “I’m Lapis’ mother. You’re her friend, right? She’s said so much about you ever since you got here.”

“YOU’RE HER… HER **WHAT**?!” I almost choked on my own spit until Lapis hit me on the back so that I wouldn’t suffocate and die. “BUT-?! H- HUH?!”

“Save it for later,” Lapis growled at me past clenched teeth, her voice volume rather low like she didn’t want the woman to hear her.

I held in a laugh. This is one of those prank sort of situations, it must be! “That’s not Rose!” I furiously whispered back to Lapis. “That’s not your mom! Plus didn’t your real mom-?”

“I said _save it for later_ ,” Lapis hit me on the back again to save me from choking- or just to hit me because she could- before backing away. She slowly stepped away, as if she was trying to seem innocent in front of the woman. 

_What... is going on here…?_

“How old are you?” The woman- I think Lapis said she’s Charlotte?- asked me. “Lapis said that you’re homeless because your family kicked you out for religious reasons. I’m… sorry.”

I flashed a dumbfounded glare. Lapis stared at me. HARDCORE stared at me.

_Something seems fishy?? LAPIS WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME LIKE THAT??!_

_I DON’T GET IT!!!_

_…_

_Lightbulb._

_… Oooooh. Oh. Okay, okay, I think I get what’s going on here. Lapis wants_ _me to go with it? But why? What’s… oh gosh DARN IT FINE!_

“Uh… yeah? I am! I mean, yeah, I am.” I bit the walls of my cheeks. “I’m kicked out for religious reasons. I… um… I’m an atheist?” I quickly looked over at Lapis to see if I was doing fine. She facepalmed. I felt hurt. “Oh! And I’m gay, like super super gay. They don’t agree with that-“ Lapis was hiding her face into her hands even farther. I’m making this worse, aren’t I…

_WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, WOMAN?!?!_

_YOU ARE SO CONFUSING HOLY CRAP!!!_

_YOU PUT ME ON THE SPOT WITH NO WARNING OR SCRIPT!! I AM DOING MY BEST!!_

“I’m seventeen,” I added last minute. 

“Are you in high school?” The woman questioned.

“Yeeeah?” I shrugged. “I’m supposed to be in junior year when school starts back up-. Whoa… I almost forgot all about schools…”

“When do you turn eighteen?”

_WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS???_

Lapis was still watching me. I feel a lot of pressure on me right now… This is going so fast...

“Next year,” I replied. “I turn eighteen in June, and I was… held back in third grade. So I’m gonna be eighteen or nineteen when I go to my senior year-...”

_I don’t like thinking about school and especially that one year I got held back. I don’t like thinking about it at all._

_Math is hard._

_And the bullies…_

_The names..._

“Held back? That’s ridiculous,” Charlotte said. “I could move you back up to your proper grade if you want. A friend of any of my daughters is a friend of mine.”

“... Especially if they’re Mary and Nancy’s friend,” Lapis muttered under her breath, masking it with a cough.

_Who is Mary and Nancy?_

“You can do that?” I rubbed my head at the idea of being put back on a proper schedule with my grades. 

Lapis cleared her throat. “She’s rich,” she said in between her throat clearing sounds.

“Bribing?” I guessed. “Okay, I’m so confused. WHAT IS GOING ON? Lapis, why are you introducing me to this woman and why is she asking me school questions?” I scrunched up my face with dissatisfaction. I’m not pleased. I’m not content! I’m lost here!!! “Is this a social experiment?”

“I’m going to high school,” Lapis stated. “... Finish high school, I mean.”

“What does that have to do with me?” I huffed.

“I’m going to be… leaving this place,” Lapis responded.

“Not leaving, dear, just temporary. I’ve gotten Lapis a dorm over at that new school for the year. She’s curious about if you were wanting to go with her, and possibly attend this school with her,” Charlotte explained. “I’m okay with it since she’s gotten her license this week, and she’ll check in with me to make sure things are alright.”

“Attend… school?” I was shocked. 

_So that’s why this conversation involved school…_

I looked at my leg. 

_But in this condition?_

_And can I truly go back to something as normal as school after everything that happened so far this summer?_

_Would this school even take me? I don’t have my mother anymore, so is there some kind of paperwork or extra steps I need to do to enroll myself?_

_Oh no I have to do adult things like making my own decisions. OH NO._

“The nurse says next week you’ll be able to have that brace off,” Charlotte informed me. “So if you’re wanting to go with Lapis, I can pay the extra rooming fee.”

_I’m dreaming, right?_

I pinched myself to see. Nope. I’m not dreaming, oh gosh-. “I… I mean, if Lapis wants me to go, I guess I can… yeah. Yeah, I’ll go,” I struggled for a second, giving a stiff nod. I couldn’t take my eyes off Lapis, I was practically staring into her soul like I was begging her to help me out here or promise me that she won’t suddenly snap at me again. The last thing I want is for my friends to leave me again!

_What if I go there and she leaves me or gets mad at me or I annoy her or I do something to drive her away and then she never talks to me again and abandons me out there-?_

_WHAT ABOUT JASPER? WHAT IF SHE FINDS ME?_

I swear that I saw Lapis mouth something to me, remaining undetected by Charlotte. I don’t read lips much and I don’t consider myself an expert, but it seemed like Lapis mouthed at me the words ‘we need to talk later’. 

Oh, boy… What’s her definition of later? And what more is there to talk about besides the obvious WHAT IS GOING ON and HEY JASPER WANTS TO PROBABLY KILL ME. I’m a fugitive, I, Peridot, and truly a wanted human being. And why would Lapis want ME out of all people to come with her to high school?

Ugh, I wish she would tell me now instead of later… And I have a feeling this later is going to be a while...


	83. Week Thirteen - Peridot, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot is finally able to leave after her wounds have healed, and begins a new chapter with Lapis as they head for the last year of high school.

I’m super annoyed with this whole not talking to me but saying she wants to talk to me only when she wants to be ominous and not finish the conversation idea. Lapis hardly visits me unless she wants to ask me something or tell me something unexpected! So why is it that she wants to offer to bring me with her to HIGH SCHOOL and put me in a dorm where we will be together for more than an hour? Why doesn’t she visit me more often? She cares about me, right? I’m her friend, right? I’m her acquaintance? Maybe? At the very very least? Is that why she invited me to come along with her? DOES SHE WANT ME AROUND? I wish someone would want me around instead of always wanting to hunt me down...

Keeping myself occupied and my mind off things such as past experiences is hard. I keep getting some bad dreams that I don’t like remembering. Perhaps it’s my diet or perhaps it’s a state of mind until I perform an activity such as meditating to relieve it. I don’t know, I’m not a therapist or psychiatrist. I can’t be a therapist- I have too many problems of my own. Plus what am I supposed to say to help people feel better? I don’t know what I’d want someone to tell me right now! Peridot, sorry that your mom hates you and you escaped death? Twice? I don’t know!!!

Ugh. Staying here is making me go crazy I’m sure. With not much entertainment available, I’m losing it. I’m going bonkers. I’m gonna be the next… someone I don’t know, I can’t think of any people at the moment that are crazy. 

It’s been such a long week… Yeah I no longer have crutches and I’m being weaned off my cool leg brace that reminds me of Terminator, but what else? Oh if only I could watch just a tiny bit of some Camp Pining Hearts… maybe then I’d be a bit more stabilized, less traumatized, more relaxed. I haven’t seen the outside of these walls yet! I wonder where I am right now… anywhere that Jasper isn’t honestly is the best.

It was mid-afternoon or so when Lapis showed up after yet another long period of no interaction with me. I was lifting my leg up and down to keep it from falling asleep when she walked in with the nurse. I’m undecided about if I should give Lapis a chance or not anymore since I’m just… growing so… so irritated with her. I’m glad that she helped me, but she IGNORES me until I’m suddenly of use to her? She doesn’t even drop in for a hello at least once! It’s always for stuff like asking me what happened or who’s involved and if I want to GO WITH HER TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!!

Oh fine, yeah I’ll go because I want to get out of here, but it’s just… you know? You know what I mean?

I waited for Lapis to say something first, pretending to be very fixated on my leg. Would she even say anything? Or just ignore me again like she usually does unless she wants to get something out of me like an answer?

“How’s your leg?” The nurse asked me. “Ready to do some more walking?”

“Eh,” I muttered. “Am I getting this off now? What about my bandages?”

“Your bruises are healing well, and there’s no sign of infection or internal bleeding. Your bandages can start coming off today, and I can send you with some to spare for a few more days.”

I frowned. “And my leg?”

“The brace can come off now. Can you walk a lap around the room for me?”

I can just TELL Lapis is watching me. And guess what I did? I _ignored_ her as I hopped out of my bed, and I began walking around aimlessly. I went right, I went left, I went in a circle, I did a little hop, after two weeks I’m in better shape than I was before!

“Good, good… Alright. Let’s take your brace off. No pinching pressure or soreness in your leg?” The nurse gestured for me to sit on the bed for a moment. She started to remove my brace.

I shook my head. “I’m gonna miss the food here,” I whined.

“Oh, I bet,” the nurse laughed.

“I’m going to finish packing,” Lapis announced. “Peridot, come outside when you’re done.”

_See, she didn’t even stick around for long!!!_

I sighed after Lapis left. I had a bad feeling that I wasn’t going to enjoy going back to school. Do I want to go back to school? I could just… not…

I feel… unimportant.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


I ended up being led to a silver van outside the giant mansion that I had no idea I was staying in after my brace was removed. I was given a small roll of fresh bandages for my side, and also some soothing ointment. I can put weight on my leg just fine and also walk without any wobbling, which is amazing since I thought for sure that I had broken something. Good thing I didn’t! Otherwise I might’ve been here longer or worse.

I waited in the van for a while. Not too long, but just enough for me to kinda drift off into my thoughts. 

_I made it this far already…_

_What’s the point of all this? What if I go to this high school Lapis was talking about and then someone recognizes me?_

I stared at my reflection in the rear view mirror. 

_Maybe I can dye my hair?_

_Dark brown would maybe look nice, but my eyebrows would look weird. I could pencil them in? Pencil… pencil- that’s the word right? I don’t know any makeup terms, I’m not a makeup person!_

I fiddled with my eyebrows and hair some, mostly to mess with how fluffy they were. My haircut looks awful now that I’m properly seeing it. Yup, I shouldn’t be a barber. I would be awful- just WHAT IS THAT RANDOM LONG STRAND? And I thought I did good!! Jasper must’ve thought I was some kind of scraggly-.

_Bark! Bark!_ The door on the driver’s side opened, and in rushed a familiar little dog. I backed up some as it jumped over to my seat.

“You again?!” I exclaimed, watching as the dog walked around my lap, unable to sit still. It licked my pants, then started licking my face after it stood up with its front paws against my body. “Okay, down! Down! You beast-!” 

“Pumpkin! Come here,” Lapis’ voice chimed, making the dog waddle over to her. She pat her lap, and the dog sat down where she had patted. It’s like I just watched MAGIC because how did she do that?! Did Rose teach her?! Are they witches?!

I said nothing, just observing the dog.

Lapis said nothing too.

So… yeah, this is how it’s going right now… this is a great new beginning, ten out of ten I love it.

Lapis inserted the keys. She powered the car on, and I remained quiet. I put my seatbelt on.

_SAY SOMETHING YOU IDIOT!!_

_But how if anything I want to say will come out sounding vicious or mad!?_

I wiped my brow before I opened my mouth. “Uh… How long have you been driving?” I poorly attempted conversation.”

“Like a week,” Lapis shrugged in reply. “Half of a week? I’ll go with that.”

“Oh, good, I feel very safe in this vehicle,” I internally panicked. I couldn’t get my mind off of being in the truck with Jasper but at least she knew how to drive unless it involved potholes!!

“Was that sarcasm?” Lapis questioned.

“N-no! I mean- yes! I mean-!” Quick, Peridot, THINK! Change the topic! “When… you bring us to this school, are you going to leave me?” No, not like that!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?! PERIDOT!!! WHY?!?

Lapis shot me a stunned glance. 

I gulped.

“I… disregard that previous statement,” I quickly tried to take it back. 

“What do you mean?” Lapis raised a brow. The car didn’t move yet. We stayed in the rocky driveway. 

“Uhhh…” I bit my lip, making an incoherent noise, playing with my hands.

Lapis waited.

I feel awful. I feel sick. Oh gosh, oh gosh oh gosh ohgoshohgosh-...

Um…

I can’t take it. I can’t keep holding it in any longer. I can’t keep lying, I can’t keep pretending because NOTHING is okay! I’m having nightmares, I’m having flashbacks whenever I’m in a car or when I hear a certain noise-! My mouth started moving without any prior thought, words spilling out without meaning to. I verbally exploded. “I’m just… I’m just SCARED, that you’re going to leave me like you always do! Or abandon me when you don’t need me anymore!” I admitted. “You- you left me and you were so mad at me when I didn’t want to have sex with you, you left me when I told you how I got to where I was, you-! You always leave me!” I closed my eyes, holding my arms close to myself. “You never even came to visit me when I was healing. ... Everybody leaves me, and honestly…” I gripped myself, my eyes becoming watery, “I can see why…”

I feel so ridiculous and stupid right now. I feel so… so embarrassed, exposed, mostly embarrassed but also pathetic. I just ruined this conversation, my life, and also my funeral. Just throw me in the ground! No burial or goodbyes needed!

“... I’m… I’m sorry if I’m… bothering you or making you feel obliged to drag me along with you. I- I didn’t mean… for any of this…” I hopelessly finished my verbal breaking. “... You can just drop me off somewhere or kick me out now. I don’t want to drag anyone down again.”

_Just like my mom. Imagine if she had a kid that was fully functional instead of me. Just look at me! I wasted her resources, her time, her efforts…_

_Sometimes I wish I had never been born at all…_

Nothing happened though. Lapis didn’t respond to me, and instead? The car began to drive off.

I’m so confused. Why isn’t Lapis responding to my words of distress? 

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, regathering myself back together again. I gagged when I saw the wet boogers leaking from my nose, even more embarrassed that a sobbing slob like me is in the same proximity as Lapis. Crying is ugly, and I’m ugly, and my mom’s heart is ugly too.

I cried for a bit until my body seemed to give up on that, and we seemed to have gotten a bit far from our original location. Pumpkin, her dog, was asleep in Lapis’ lap.

_Why didn’t she respond to me?! Lapis, I’m CRYING AND I JUST ADMITTED I FEEL WORTHLESS TO YOU!!!_

This woman is more confusing than episode eighteen season one of Camp Pining Hearts when in one shot Percy has his hair up then the literal next shot his hair is suddenly down.

You wanna know what Lapis did instead of respond to me? Just guess! This lady is like- I’m just saying, if she was a spice, she’d be flour. FLOUR. Lapis turned on her Bluetooth radio, phone on a fancy holder thingie that clips onto her car vent, and just PUT ON SOME MUSIC. It’s like she’s fucking ignoring me!

Cool, whatever, I’m… I’m yeah, I’m done. No acknowledgement and not even an ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ or anything.

I bitterly cast a stare to the side, eyeing nothing in particular. I’m ready to die, whatever god exists or deity or something. Maybe it’ll be a nice turtle deity named Tom, and he controls the crops or rocks or something.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


We drove for a while. Lapis is a good driver despite my doubts, and she’s very cautious on freeways. I think I may have misjudged her at first, but I’m still upset at her. 

We stopped at a rest stop so that Pumpkin could get out and do her business, and Lapis also asked me if I needed anything but I didn’t reply. I’m too mad at her to bother. Sure, Lapis, let me pour my HEART AND SOUL OUT SO YOU CAN IGNORE ME!!! GAH!!!

I tapped my fingers against the dashboard in boredom. The Bluetooth was still playing, and the current song ended to make way for this really… wow, this is depressing. There were songs similar in mood that played before, but WOW for this one. I don’t know what it’s called or who it’s by, but going by the lyrics, it’s about some person saying they’re a creep and a widow at the same time? Oh and they’re saying they don’t belong here.

Haha, I don’t belong here either. In fact, I got super uncomfortable listening to this song.

_“Whatever makes you happy,_

_Whatever you want,_

_You're so fuckin' special._

_I wish I was special..._

_But, I'm a creep,_

_I'm a weirdo,_

_What the hell am I doing here?_

_I don't belong here.”_

This song is attacking me personally, I know it. I grimaced, having enough. Lapis won’t at least take notice of my confession and she isn’t responding to me, so bah! I opened the door, unbuckled my seatbelt, and stepped outside.

I got only a few inches away when Lapis saw me as she led Pumpkin back to the car with an orange leash. 

“Where are you going?” Lapis said. “I asked if you wanted to go and you said no.” She chuckled. “Change your mind?”

“Can you stop?” I spat at her, facing her. 

Lapis’ facial expression dropped. 

“Look, I’m walking away now, so you’ll be all set to go,” I shook my head, continuing to walk away.

Lapis ran over to me. Pumpkin hopped like a rabbit beside her to keep up. “Peridot, are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?! I told you everything and you IGNORED me!” I called her out, ready to cry again.

“I’m not ignoring you,” Lapis rolled her eyes. 

“Yes you are!”

“No, I’m not, Peridot. You told me I could leave you on the side of the road. And I didn’t.”

“You couldn’t at least respond to me saying that to ease my anxiety about if you’d abandon me?! Clearly, we need to work out communication skills!”

“Yeah. We do.”

I groaned. “You’re so… so frustrating!”

“Yeah. I am.” Lapis returned to the car.

I groaned again.

_God… dammit!_

I reluctantly did the same, sliding back into the passenger’s seat.

Lapis put Pumpkin in the middle seats this time, a blanket laid out for her along with a small chew toy of an orange. We returned to the freeway, and my heart was heavy with worthlessness. 

Lapis turned left. She changed the song, then she sighed. “... Alright. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything back.”

“And?” I huffed.

“And that first we’re making a small road trip, and I didn’t tell you.”

“WHAT?!” I squeaked.

“And?” Lapis interrupted me as she added on, “that I got you this and didn’t tell you.” She reached underneath her seat, pulling out a small box. She handed it to me. “I tried to get a tablet like the one you had on you almost all the time, but Charlotte insisted with a phone.”

I’m so fucking confused. My eyes didn’t fail their suspicious stare. I took the box anyway, tired of this nonsense. I opened it, finding a brand new phone inside. Okay, now I’m super confused. I’m beyond confused.

“... Charlotte’s a pain to negotiate with, but she made an exception for you,” Lapis explained. “I personally don’t trust her or her two daughters. But, she seems to care about kids a lot.” She passed a car in front of us. “Before we do anything normal again like high school and shit, I want to go to my house. I want to see what’s left.”

“That- I mean, there were people guarding Pearl’s house when I saw it so maybe your house…” I trailed off.

“It might not be. I’m going, Peridot. You can try to stop me, but it’s just going to be a quick visit then we’ll turn back around.”

So Lapis has gone insane I assume, going to the next state just to see her old house and then turn us back around. I examined the phone that she had given me, setting it up and familiarizing myself with the functions. It’s actually rather nice… how much was this?

“... You care about me,” I said. “You care enough about me to get me a phone and take me with you on this crazy expedition.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yeah you do!” I watched Lapis’ face, spotting it turn darker in color. “You care! Lapis cares, Lapis cares!”

“Shut up.”

I set the phone in my lap. “I care too, so that’s comforting. Even though you should’ve still at least replied to me so I didn’t feel so bad! We’re both hurt. We’ve both been through a lot, yeah. So it’s going to require effort from both of us if we want to make this work,” I stated. “We both need to dedicate ourselves and at least try. I think our pain… can become purpose.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // “Creep” lyrics (c) Radiohead


	84. Week Thirteen - Lapis, Saturday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot talk during their first night back together on the road.
> 
> CW/TW: conversation about sexuality/sexual topics

_“You- you left me and you were so mad at me when I didn’t want to have sex with you, you left me when I told you how I got to where I was, you-! You always leave me!”_

I let Pumpkin doze off on my chest while I laid down in the back seat of the van, the sunroof open to let in some moonlight and fresh air. I had parked the car on the side of the road since I was unable to find a rest stop near us.

_“You never even came to visit me when I was healing.”_

… She’s right, you know. 

_“Clearly, we need to work out communication skills!”_

God, she’s right.

“Are you still up?” I asked, refusing to move from my spot. 

“Yeah,” Peridot replied from the middle seats where she was lying down. Sleeping in a car is a bit of a hassle. Thank god though that vans have quite a bit of room inside. “I can’t sleep.”

“Me too.” I pet Pumpkin’s ears. “Pumpkin can, though.”

“Teach me your secrets, canine,” Peridot whined.

“She says the secret is to sleep on my boobs,” I joked.

“Well that’s dumb,” Peridot replied. “Your boobs are smaller than mine.”

I almost choked on my own spit. Pumpkin arose from her slumber, disturbed by my reaction to what Peridot said. “You did not-“

“I did!” Peridot proudly announced. 

“You’re never going to let go of that accidental nude sending, are you?”

“Nope!”

“Well, fuck me sideways.” I let Pumpkin continue sleeping beside me on the seats.

“That’s disgusting.”

“Don’t know until you try it.”

“Gross!”

I snorted. “You’re so easy to mess with.”

“I just… I just… I don’t know! I don’t like sexual stuff,” Peridot sounded flustered. “Just talking about it makes me feel weird.”

“So you’ve never even masturbated?”

“Of course not!”

_“You- you left me and you were so mad at me when I didn’t want to have sex with you.”_

I frowned. It made sense to me now. “You’re not really into sex, are you?”

“Nope,” Peridot confirmed.

“So like… are you just… not interested or?”

“I don’t know,” Peridot muttered.

“Alright then.” I put my blanket over Pumpkin, sitting up.

“That’s not… bad, right?”

“Huh?”

“The sex thing. Not liking sex…” Peridot elaborated, “it’s not bad to not like sex, right?” She sat up too, peering back at me over her seats.

“I mean… you’re still growing-“

“So it _is_ weird.”

“Peridot, I didn’t mean-“

“I’m a _freak_ , and it’s because I’m autistic, I don’t like sex-“ Peridot faced forward, turning away from me.

“No, that’s not what I mean-“ I began.

“Then, what do you mean, Lapis?!”

I paused. 

“... Thanks,” Peridot sighed. 

_She feels like shit now. I can tell by her voice._

_Is there anything else I’m good at besides making people feel like shit?_

I don’t like to remember how upset Jamie looked when I broke up with him- if it could be considered that. 

_All you do is hurt people._

“... Listen, I didn’t mean that you’re a freak,” I corrected myself. “It’s fine if you don’t like sex, or anything sexual. You’re not a freak.”

“Then what am I?” Peridot mumbled. 

“You’re... you,” I said. I rubbed my arm in uncertainty, afraid that I might mess up. Then, I remembered something from back before this madness began. “Rose used to take Steven and I to some pride things in June. We’d decorate and make flags to give to other kids there… Rose loved to see them smile, even if she knew that some of them would have to hide their flags before they got home. Knowing that... made her upset. Kids would have to hide themselves otherwise their parents…”

“... Their parents would hurt them,” Peridot finished. “Because parents don’t understand, and…”

I slowly nodded. “... Yeah.”

Peridot was quiet for a few seconds, probably thinking or contemplating. “So, what’s this gotta do with the conversation?”

“All I’m saying is that there’s an identity for you. I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure there’s one.”

“Identity…?”

“Flags?” I did my best to break it down for her. “Like… sexualities.”

“So mine would be none?”

“No, yours would still be something. If someone doesn’t like avocados, that’s still a food preference.”

“Oh.”

“You could look it up. I bet there’s one for you.”

“Oh… okay.”

“Did you get that phone set up?” I laid back down, giving Pumpkin a pat on the head. 

“Yeah.” 

And she was on her phone right now- I can tell by the light emitting from her place in the van. “I’m going to try and sleep,” I informed her.

“Okay.”

I bit my tongue. “... And I’m sorry about earlier. You’re right. I should’ve responded.”

_She’s giving me simple responses now or at all. She’s probably busy looking up things on her phone._

_I should try to get some sleep. I’m driving and it’s a long way to where we are going. I’ll let Peridot do whatever._

_… And hopefully, I’ll finally get a response from Greg or Steven…._

_I miss you guys._


	85. Week Fourteen - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Lapis bond a bit more during their drive.

Can you BELIEVE IT?! Lapis apologized! She actually APOLOGIZED to me and said I was right! HA! This is fantastic- this is GREAT-! And on top of that?

I hugged my phone tight. I couldn’t stop smiling as I waited for Lapis to finish getting gas. 

_I’m… a part of something._

It took me a while until I was able to get a lead on what Lapis was talking about last night with the flags and identities, but I’ve got it! I’ve got it! There’s… actually people- other people- who are like me. People who… people who are like me… 

I’m not alone…

I’m not alone!

I also went ahead to research some more about autism and a few other topics I’ve been interested in. This phone is GENIUS! Except for the one time it linked me to a spoiler page about an event that happens in the Camp Pining Hearts comics- that was horrible. I mean, Percy BEFRIENDS AMELIA?? AND KISSES HER?? PERCY, COME ON!!!

Having a phone like this should be fine too, because my mom doesn’t know I have this phone. It’s a whole new number and a whole new ID! I think I’m untouchable with this device. Although… I still would’ve loved my tablet back… I got used to this phone, but I almost had a surge of upset emotions while trying to adjust to the layout. 

Once Lapis returned to the car, I held my phone up towards her, Pumpkin jumping over to join me in the passenger’s side. My arms were shaking with joy. “Oh! Ohohohoho- Lapis! Lapis, hey Lapis!!”

“I’m right here,” Lapis scoffed. She inserted her keys to turn on the engine.

“I know! But look! Look!” I struggled to work my way around Pumpkin, who was busy hogging up my lap. “You were right! You were right about the flags and-!”

“How long did you spend on that phone?”

“I can’t answer that truthfully, but look! I have a flag!” I excitedly squealed. “It’s a flag for me! For my preference in sexuality! It’s a me flag!”

“What flag is that?” Lapis looked at my phone screen.

“They call it an asexual flag. It sounds like ‘an sexual’, but without the ‘n’. It means lacking sexual attraction. And it’s also a spectrum, like autism! There’s autistic people who are asexual, and there’s also non autistic people who are asexual- we call those people who aren’t autistic neurotypical. It means non neurodivergent, or carrying no traits of autism. Since asexuality is a spectrum, there’s people who for a majority don’t enjoy sex unless under certain circumstances which brings up gray-asexuali-“

“Wow. You really went deep into that, huh?” Lapis interrupted me.

“I’m talking!” I whined. 

“Sorry,” Lapis chuckled.

“I think this is what I am! I think this is my flag!” I put my phone down, petting Pumpkin. “I belong somewhere! There’s other people like me! I’m not alone!” I briefly paused. “I’m not… alone…” I grinned ear to ear. “What’s your flag?”

Lapis shrugged. “I don’t know. I just exist,” she answered.

She sounded… somber? “Are you okay?” I quietly peeped.

“I’m fine.” Lapis brought us back onto the freeway. “Just… tired.”

“If only I could drive, then I could drive while you sleep,” I said.

“... Yeah.”

“Welp! I’m gonna charge my phone on that little car charger of yours so if you need a map or a GPS, I’ve got you,” I winked.

“Thanks.”

_She sounds out of it now?_

_Is she okay?_

_I… think I’ll give her some space for now._

There’s just… one teeny tiny small itty bitty detail I neglected to tell Lapis also. Finding my identity covers the sexual part when it comes to a person’s preference, yes. But as for the romantic preference? … Oh gosh. I… I think I kind of… I think that maybe… I romantically… 

I think I romantically lean towards…

I think I like cute stuff, like… like girls…

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


“Did you know that actually, less than ten percent of the autistic population is savant? That means like scientist levels of smarts. See, most of what people call savant is actually special interests, where someone devotes a lot of time and research into a topic, and for some that is mathematics and sciences which gets mistaken for savants due to how intelligent and well-informed on the subject they are. Other special interests can include animals or flowers-“ 

“So is this your special interest then?” Lapis stopped me, taking a sip of her water glass. 

“Hm… I suppose it can be considered that…” I tapped my finger against my soda glass. Lapis had found a small diner for us to stop at to get food, and honestly, it’s so nice here. We left Pumpkin in the car with the sunroof open and air conditioning on. I promised I’d bring back some bacon or sausage for her. “I think Camp Pining Hearts is one of mine, I’m super into it. I know all the canon characters and some popular fanon ships and theories, I also know the comic series and storyboards that never got into the final cartoon.”

According to the GPS, we still have some hours to go by car. Which, I’m fine with, because once Lapis checks out her house, we are coming back for that school and dorm. A life of normalcy… after so much craziness… What if my mom finds me? Or Jasper?! Ugh…

“So… before we found each other again,” Lapis began to tell me as we waited for our breakfast, “I… met this guy.”

I listened with interest, slowly sipping on my drink.

“He was a nice guy. Probably the nicest person I’ve ever met actually,” Lapis scratched her neck. “We went on a date, and then after that date… I dumped him.”

I gasped. “But wasn’t he nice like you said?!”

“Yeah. He was. But that isn’t why I dumped him.”

“Oh.”

“I got… scared. Scared that I’d ruin him.”

“Ruin him?” I raised a brow. “How?”

“I don’t know. The way I am, I guess I thought that I’d ruin him by rubbing off on him.” Lapis gazed to the side. “It’s true you know. I need to work on my communicating skills, or whatever. I blow up easily. I get mad over stupid things. Me and Jas-... when we…” Her voice faded out. “... It’s complicated. I’m thinking of giving up on relationships for now.”

“Maybe you can work on yourself in the meantime?” I suggested.

“You sound just like Pearl,” Lapis laughed. “Or... Rose.” She rested her head in her palm, seeming like she was daydreaming until our food finally arrived.

“What are you gonna do once we get back to your house?” I said in between bites of my scrambled eggs.

“Probably just look around. See what’s left.” Lapis poked her fork at her French toast, which was the only thing she got to eat. I felt bad eating my plate in front of her. Didn’t she want more food? “If the animals are still there, I’ll probably just rehome them or something.”

“Oh gosh, I forgot about the animals…” I sympathized. “I’m… I'm sorry, Lapis.”

“It’s okay. Not like you could’ve done anything anyway.” Lapis finished her water. “... None of us could.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


I think I’m enjoying this little road trip if that is what one would call this. We hit the road after breakfast and stopped at a gas station for bathroom breaks and snacks, then continued onward. I saw lots of trees and small towns go by. I even saw a deer!

But those aren’t my favorite parts of this trip, nope. My favorite part is when Lapis started turning on some songs I knew thanks to popular radio or songs I heard in stores. At first, Lapis didn’t do anything. She just sat there, driving, doing the things drivers do like sit quietly and watch the road, make the turns blah blah blah. Meanwhile, I started humming along to one of the songs because I am damned if I say that this song describing some girl saying they aren’t a hollaback- I don’t know what that means- isn’t catchy. Pumpkin stayed in my lap, enjoying the company while I enjoyed the music.

That’s when Lapis stepped in. She put words to my nonsense. And she totally OWNED THIS SONG.

_“So that's right dude, meet me at the bleachers,_

_No principals, no student-teachers!_

_Both of us wanna be the winner, but there can only be one,_

_So I'm gonna fight, gonna give it my all,_

_Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to ya,_

_That's right-! I'm the last one standing, and another one bites the dust.”_

I watched her in awe. “How… how do you-?” I stammered.

“I’ve heard this song a billion times,” Lapis said.

“A billion-?! Whoa…” I let out a faint laugh. “You… you were really good-“

“I rarely sing,” Lapis halted my compliment. “So… take that as you like.”

I blinked, still amazed by how the heck she just… she just… I DON’T KNOW! She just SLAMMED this song into the GROUND! How- how- how did she-?! “Are they spelling bananas?” I noticed after a while into the song, still humming absolute nonsense because I still don’t know a majority of the words.

“Yeah,” Lapis confirmed my question.

I wrinkled up my face. “Why?”

“Why not?”

I closed my mouth. I shrugged it off, then continued aimlessly humming nonsense.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“What’s your favorite song?”

“Peridot, I’m not gonna sing again,” Lapis hid her face. 

Once it was total dark out, we drove for a few more miles then picked out a spot to camp on the side of the road. I got my blanket out and prepped the middle seats for where I sleep, while Lapis took up the back seats again. She has some stuff that she brought with us in this van; including the blankets, some snacks, some physical cash, Pumpkin’s food and a water bowl, some water bottles… 

“But I’m curious! You put on lots of sad sounding ones- I noticed that,” I commented. “Your Bluetooth seems to have a variety of indie or sad songs, mostly songs that describe experiences like how worthless or useless someone can feel-“

“Okay. That’s enough,” Lapis hushed me.

“But-“

“Shh.”

I accepted defeat very hesitantly. I blew a strawberry out of annoyance, laying down on the middle seats. Lapis says that we should be across state line tomorrow and at her house before it got dark. By car, we will be able to make it there in under seventy eight hours if we continue to take breaks or pit stops only when necessary.

I’m… kinda scared though what we might find at her old home. Is she going to be okay? What if she sees something she doesn’t like or finds something…? 

Hm, I guess I’ll have to step up as a friend and serve my duty by staying with her and sticking through thin and thick as they say just like a friend would. After all, we already survived like what two death encounters? I think we’ll be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // “Hollaback Girl” lyrics by Gwen Stefani


	86. Week Fourteen - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally reach the farm.
> 
> CW/TW: grieving, mentions of loss, brief hallucinations and some flashbacks- some stuff may seem confusing here and there from the perspective of things going on in Lapis’ head.

_“Lapis! Lapis, your chores are waiting!” Rose called._

_“Five more minutes…” I groaned. I rolled over, hitting something warm and soft. That’s when I realized- oh shit. My eyes flew open, nudging at the person beside me. “Get up. Get up, you-!”_

_“What?” Jasper turned her head, giving me an irritated look._

_“Rose is coming and if she sees you here-“ I pushed her again._

_“... Shit.”_

_“Yeah, exactly. So get your ass up!” I rushed her. “Just go through the window, the window screen’s already taken off.”_

_Jasper quickly did as I told her while I tried to look for where the hell I put my shirt. I ran out of my room once I threw on a gray tank top, acting like I had been awake and ready the whole time. Breakfast was already made and the sun was up, so I must’ve slept in for a bit longer than usual._

_Rose was putting the leftover breakfast items in containers to save for later. She saw me and smiled. “Good morning, Lapis,” she greeted me._

_“Good morning,” I said back, clearing my throat. Hopefully Jasper gets back to her own place in time too, otherwise we wouldn’t be seeing each other for a while. And she’s… like one of the people keeping me sane._

_“Steven’s already gotten the eggs and fed the chickens. Would you like to join him in grooming the horses?”_

_“Sure,” I shrugged._

_“Would you like me to make you anything? We have eggs and French toast-“_

_“I’m fine,” I interrupted Rose._

_“You’re still wearing the same jeans you were wearing yesterday. There’s so much mud on them!” Rose frowned._

_“It’s okay.”_

_“Why don’t you throw those in the wash and put on a new pair?”_

_I sighed._

_Rose’s brows fell with concern. She put what she was doing on pause to come over to me. “Are you alright?”_

_I said nothing._

_“I noticed that last night you seemed distant. Lapis, you can tell me anything, you know.” Rose gently hugged me._

_And I told her nothing. I was just… tired._

_I didn’t know she would leave me soon. I didn’t know it’d be one of the last times I’d see her before tragedy struck._

_… And I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye._

“Laaapis.” Someone poked my face. “Hey! Hey, Lapis! WAKE UP!”

I jolted awake, hitting my head against the other person who had been pestering me. “Ow-!” I held my face, Pumpkin going wild with impatient barks and yips. 

“Ow…” Peridot recoiled, leaving me alone. “Oh that’s gonna leave a mark- ow, ow…”

“What are you doing?” I asked her while rubbing my forehead.

“Uh, it’s past eight, and the alarm on your phone went off a few times and I just thought…”

“Oh.” I climbed over the seats, getting Pumpkin’s leash. “Here. Take Pumpkin outside for a bit.”

“Ow, okay.” Peridot picked up Pumpkin, taking her outside and leaving the door open so that some morning air can get into the car.

I rubbed my head a bit more. 

I slowly exhaled.

_The farm is just a small drive away…_

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


After we stopped at a nearby gas station for the usual bathroom break and to pick up snacks and gas, I was back on the road taking us further to the farm. My eyes stayed wide open, unable to rest now that I knew I was so close to seeing my home again.

“Maybe we can stay at that motel again on the way back,” Peridot giggled, looking up nearby locations on her phone for fun. “Oh! Ooh, we can go to a waterpark!”

“Peridot,” I said. “ _Please_.” I didn’t want the unnecessary background noise right now. I turned up the music on my Bluetooth, trying to forget it. 

_“Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself,_

_You know it all by heart, why are you standing in one place?”_

_I stared at the bottle of pills on the shelf. I swear- those were pills. Rose and Greg had been talking..._

_“Born to blossom, bloom to perish,_

_Your moment will run out 'cause of your sex chromosome.”_

_The strange lady stared right back at me. Those furs she was wearing, her hair, those… eyes… I can’t forget that too easily. I’ve seen her more than once before..._

_“I know it's so messed up how our society all thinks.”_

_“FUCK YOU! LEAVE HIM ALONE!” And then I went down to the ground, the smell of iron filling my nose._

I slowed to a stop at a stop sign, staring blankly at nothing in particular. It took me a moment before I continued driving forward.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


It was late afternoon when we finally reached our destination. Peridot had been keeping herself occupied with her phone or watching Pumpkin, which saved me the hassle of watching the dog or worrying about Peridot.

I couldn’t stop feeling nostalgic at the upcoming sights.

_I know this hill._

_This turn._

_This… place._

My heart began to race. Right as I made it up the hill and to the farm, I brought the car to a stop. I parked on the dirt road and turned off the engine.

_There it is…_

The farm, untouched, unscathed, _my home._ Just as we left it. 

I hopped out of the van fast, unable to contain myself.

“Lapis-!” Peridot called after me. And I didn’t listen. I kept going. I raced onward until I reached the front of the property.

This was my home.

This… was where I grew up with my brother and parents who took me in. People who… cared about me, even if I didn’t entirely realize that they did...

“Lapis… gosh you run fast… oh my gosh- hey, be careful, because remember what I said about Pearl’s-“ Peridot ran up behind me, holding Pumpkin.

“There’s nobody here,” I pointed out. It was vastly quiet, save for the birds chirping as they always did.

“You don’t know that for sure!” Peridot frantically whispered.

“Peridot, just give me a second.” I began entering the property. “You can wait in the car if you want.”

“I’m coming with you!”

If I argued with her, this would go nowhere. “Fine. But don’t be too loud.”

“Okay! I won’t!”

I rolled my eyes. My body quivered when my hand touched the doorknob of the front door to the house, memories washing over me. This place looked so… intact, that I thought it was just a ghost town. Not a bit of weathering or bug infestation? Even more odd how the door just creaked open at the slightest push from my hand. Had it been unlocked this whole time?

“Whoa… so this is what I never got to see…” Peridot examined the house, following me inside.

_Over there is the kitchen… there’s the television… our Xbox… then down the hall…_

I could envision it perfectly; an orange evening when Steven and I would work on beating Just Dance, Rose making dinner and Greg setting the table… There was laughing and smiling, people having fun and just… 

I…

I miss it.

Peridot and Pumpkin looked around the living room, leaving me to check out the rest of the house. I need to do what I came here for before it gets dark. I investigated my room first, finding where I had been saving some money and grabbed it. This can come in handy now. Afterwards, I returned to the hallway, stopping in front of Steven’s room.

_Do I dare go in?_

No. I left his room alone, not wanting to tamper with it. Instead, I dared enter Rose and Greg’s room, cautiously, warily. 

_I hate to say it, but now that nobody is here, I can start trying to find answers to old things._

_That, and… I can take one last look at everything._

I swear that I could hear Rose’s voice as I went into the room. It was like she was still here, watching me. That, or I’m imagining, and it’s because I’m unable to accept that she just...

_“What are you going to do?” Rose approached me. She put a hand on my shoulder._

To be honest, probably something stupid. Or something super dumb.

I never got…

_“It’s alright.”_

I shakily breathed in. I ventured further into the room, a cold chill sent down my spine. I had to see if there was anything here, anything at all, related to that conversation I had overheard and the bottle of pills I had seen. I have to find the answers myself if nobody will help me or explain to me.

_“You might not like what you see.”_

And I don’t care. 

I examined the drawers and underneath the bed, I went through the closet, and I also scanned every nook and cranny I could. Nothing. Nothing but ordinary things like clothes.

It makes no sense…

I don’t get it! 

Ugh. Maybe there was nothing here after all. This was a waste of time.

_“Not entirely. You can still say goodbye.”_

I turned around, angrily swiping at the air. I’m imagining. I’m hallucinating. I’m grieving, I’m mourning, I’m unable to let it go.

I checked the closet one last time to ensure I didn’t miss anything. One item in particular caught my eye.

_… Rose’s favorite coat._

The clothing item hung in front of me, its light pink fabric still soft and beautiful. Unconsciously, I reached out for it. I ran my fingers over it, then brought the coat closer to me. 

_It’s like… she’s still here…_

My vision blurred. My eyes watered. My throat tightened and my chest heaved. The floor beneath me seemed to swirl in a daze.

_You never told me anything. You never told me what was going on behind my back._

I gritted my teeth, burying my face into the coat. I wanted to scream and yell into it, maybe beat it up and rip it apart too. I wanted to throw my fists against something, I wanted to _experience_ the anger pent in my body. I wanted to release it.

But...I didn’t.

Instead, I pinched the fibers of the coat, inhaling the very faint scent that remained there. Her favorite perfume was that of vanilla citrus, something that would stick to her clothing meant for wear outside of the farm, away from the stench of cut grass and muddy dirt.

I could remember the one time she wore this coat to the Falls, watching as I helped bring the towels and ensuring Steven’s safety as he played in the water.

… I wished that Rose could hug me one last time.

I’m… sorry, for all the times I brushed her off, telling her I was okay when now I realize… 

I needed her help, and I still do.

I need her guidance and I want answers. What am I supposed to do- especially when Greg and Steven aren’t with me or answering me?

I gradually let go of the coat. It lay limp on the coat hanger, as it’ll forever be now.

This... needs to stop.

I just… need some closure.

I left the room without another thought. I could hear Peridot playing with Pumpkin, probably letting her chase her around judging by the noise. It’d be good for Pumpkin to get some exercise anyway. And it’s good for me because it gives me time to go get some clothes or anything else in my room I wish to take with me.

Rose is gone.

Rose… is gone.

I wish it didn’t feel so weird with nobody here though. I never realized how lonely it feels without Steven around. The house smells sad without any food cooking, and it sounds dreadful without any laughter or conversation.

I packed some of my old clothes up into a suitcase I had in my closet. We used to go on trips occasionally like visiting theme parks or nature reserves… I miss the times when Steven and I would get breakfast at hotels or find a lizard on the wall and fail to catch it. Rose would scold us for trying to bother with the lizards, and we’d apologize but continue behind her back.

I miss Steven overall. Is he okay? Is he doing alright? It seems like I’ll never know, and that… is what scares me. There’s no confirmation about his status or his well being, and it… bothers me.

I finished packing what I could, stuffing my old hairbrush and my cash into the front pocket of my suitcase. I’m all set.

_It’s time to say goodbye._

Because, fuck, I need to move on. I don’t know for sure if Rose is- I mean, I haven’t seen the body, but if Steven and Greg won’t answer me, if this place was left untouched and unlocked…

… This seems fishy.

I returned to the living room, greeted by the sight of Peridot playing fetch with Pumpkin using a small ball that used to be Lion’s. Peridot saw my suitcase, and I spoke before she could say anything. “Let’s go.”

“That’s it?” Peridot patted her lap to call Pumpkin back.

“Yeah.” I forced myself to not look around anymore for too long. “You didn’t see any animals outside the window, did you?”

Peridot shook her head.

“Come on.” I rolled my suitcase out the door, Pumpkin and Peridot right behind me. 

_“It won’t be that long of a trip, just a few days at sea.”_

_“What if we get lost?”_

_“We won’t get lost. The captain knows the way, and the ship makes a round trip. We’ll be back home before you know it.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“I promise, sweetheart.”_

“Lapis?” Peridot tapped my shoulder.

“What?” 

“... Nothing.”

“Then don’t bother me.” I opened up the back of the van, sliding in the suitcase where I could fit it among the other belongings I had with me. Peridot left me alone, taking Pumpkin and helping her up into the car.

_I’m not done yet._

“... Stay here,” I instructed Peridot.

“Huh? Why? What’s happening?” Peridot retorted.

“Stay. Here,” I enunciated. “I won’t be long.”

Peridot was hesitant. I can tell because her body does a little jerk like she wants to move, but she holds back. I closed the back once my suitcase was in, and I walked back to the house. I followed the trail that led to the farm just outside, scanning the property for any sign of life that was familiar. Particularly animals. 

The pastures were empty.

The stables were too.

The barn when I heaved one of the doors open was silent. Dark. And it smelled like fungi or rotting wood.

Nothing.

The chicken coop and pen? Empty as soul, silent as sin. I expected there to be maybe a flock of wild chickens or quail around, but there wasn’t. All the farm life was just… gone.

And I have a feeling they didn’t escape either, as the fences are still intact and all of the perimeter is in good standing. 

This farm was everything to me, as much as I denied so or pretended that it wasn’t. It was here that I learned what it was like to be in a family again. Now that all of that is gone, I feel like…

… I feel like something horrible must be done.

I’m pretty positive nobody is coming back, and why would they? With no calls or responses, this place is just an obstacle to whoever those people were that came for Steven and I. 

_Rose’s important documents were gone too. In her room, by her bed, she keeps them all from our vaccinations to our animal records in a drawer. I know this because that was where she put Lion’s information when he started getting sick. She told me where they were in case of emergency and if she wasn’t here. They’re gone._

Somebody must’ve came through, got what they needed, then left. There isn’t any other explanation. And the front door being unlocked- I thought I’d have to break and enter otherwise.

_Someone recently came through here._

_The more I look for answers, the more confused I get. I’m never going to get answers._

And I realize, pain stricken to do so, that maybe it’s best I just… give it up. Whatever is happening, all this chaos and turmoil, whatever is keeping my brother away from me… is it best that I leave it alone? Would they go easier on Steven without another nuisance? I put up a fight when I need to, but I can’t fight against enemies I can’t win against.

I just… have to let this go.

It’s with that conclusion that I also ignored the shed. I strolled right by it, paying it no heed. 

The old me is gone, the old me is dead. My past can’t be changed, and I can’t fight back. I might never get a response from Steven, I might never see him again. But I’m still alive, and I’m still breathing. That’s the hard part.

Should I give up? Should I put down to rest this old horse that can’t travel anymore?

_“Edmond! You silly pony!”_

_“Tracer likes everyone! That’s how most horses are if you get to know them. Once you have their trust, you have it forever.”_

_“Lapis! Look, I found a turtle!”_

_“There you go! Keep your back straight just like that, you’re a natural! Keep the reins clutched!”_

_“You got to charge at least thirty for that piece of work. You spend so much time on them!”_

And the loudest of all…

_“We love you, Lapis.”_

I stared ahead, the morning breeze shifting to afternoon wafts. Clouds were picking up by the number in the sky, casting darkness where they soaked the sunlight away. There would be no rain, but there would be a shadow, just like the one that would forever live in the back of my head.

_“I hope you realize that people do care about you, and that we want you to have your own journey.”_

I continued walking, my shoes scuffing the dirt. 

_“Letting go is the hard part.”_

I rubbed my shoulder, my muscles tense. They refused to loosen up.

_“You might never know what’s going on here. This isn’t your journey to take. This is your brother’s. Isn’t it?”_

I choked back the building sensation to sob in the back of my throat. 

This feels like giving up. This feels like giving up on Steven.

_How do I know if Steven is safe?! How do I know… that he’ll be okay?! You hide things from us, you…-! You never told us…_

I made fists with my hands, tears streaming down my cheeks. They burned my skin where they fell, the concept of crying near foreign to me when I didn’t want them.

_My life has been a lie. My whole life is built upon lies. I spin them just as much as I am fed them. I don’t know… what to do anymore…_

_My mother, my father, my other mother and father, a woman named Charlotte who claims to be my birth mother… the pills and the secrecy… my entire life’s foundation is this._

_This is the cycle._

_This is life. This is inherited. This is learned, and taught. The secrets are what bring me to sleep every night, sometimes keep me awake to ponder about when the sun would finally rise._

_This causes my pain, and I don’t know what to do with it._

_This is my birthright._

As I reached back to the pastures, I swear I could hear a whisper in my ear and a warm touch on my shoulder again. 

I swear I could hear the words, _“I’m sorry.”_

… And I understood it.

I forgave it, just as the scent of vanilla citrus faded.

I knew what I had to do.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Peridot had been waiting for me in the passenger’s seat. Pumpkin barked with happiness as I sat in the driver’s seat, turning on the car.

“... Do you… have everything?” Peridot quietly chirped.

I nodded solemnly. 

_I’m sorry._

I know that even Peridot could see the smoke and flames as we drove off quickly, and I knew that it was by my hand that this past would become another memory. If anybody would ever find the farm in ruins by next week, or perhaps the burnt rubble that remained when the crackling fire eased, they’d never know the story that happened there. But I do. And I won’t forget the chapter that occurred.

I burnt the place just like I burnt my tensions, I combat physically in seeking of immediate release. The farm did nothing to me, but I swear that as I dropped the match I had found in the house, I could feel someone embracing me, perhaps even judging me. Guiding me.

Perhaps nobody would understand why I did it, and perhaps nobody would ever understand me at all. But if it’s anything to be understood, it’s that this high school thing is giving me a _chance._ Either I can throw it away, or I can try and move on to find peace, forget about all my bitterness and create something new from the ashes. 

It can’t be that hard. After all, my brother isn’t the only person who cares about me. I have someone right beside me who also does, and I should start considering a new leaf if I want to survive in this jungle.

Life isn’t either sad or joyful. It’s up and down, it’s an ocean wave that will go in circles. Salt will only spike it towards negative encouragement, while sand can soak up its ferocity. 

I’m not sure if I’ll ever actually give up on figuring out what caused all this to happen or what happened to my brother, but, for now…

I think I’ll first focus on myself, just like Rose would’ve wanted.

I hope that she’s still proud of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // she burnt down the farm oh no she’s rachel amber also this is a psa by obtuse- don’t burn shit down  
> This was heavily inspired by soundtracks and scenes such as Ellie’s grieving in the last of us, Rachel’s fire scene in Before the Storm, and a wee bit of Heather’s reaction to her murdered father in Silent Hill 3


	87. Week Fourteen - Peridot, Monday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot tries to help comfort Lapis.

I’ve noticed that Lapis seems a bit… upset, which also makes me feel upset. Is she okay? What happened? Why did she tell me to stay in the car? I didn’t really go around the house because I felt like she needed some space, and gosh, I think I was right…

“That’s a loooot of smoke,” I gasped, sticking my head out the window to get a better view of the smoke in the distance behind us. “What did you-?”

Lapis answered by turning up her music, which… sadly doesn’t exactly answer what I meant.

_That’s so much smoke… She doesn’t seem to care that the farm is on fire?_

_Whoa… imagine how much fire trucks are gonna come for that… I can kinda see some of the flames too from here!_

It’s weird? That’s the word, right? Weird? It’s weird that fire can look… entrancing from afar. It’s so golden and so bright! The cloudy weather isn’t helping either since the glow is much easier to spot with it. It’s like a lantern! A big, giant lantern that can kill you if you breathe in too much smoke or lie in it!

“Okay Pumpkin, no more sightseeing,” I said while rolling the window back up. She had been climbing on my lap to try and stick her head out the window too, except I don’t want her to risk jumping out or inhaling carbon monoxide, so I sat back in my seat and held her close. She whined when the window was back up, pawing at my arms. “Aww, Pumpkin! Look, look what I got!” I offered one of her chew toys. She took that as a consolation much to my relief. I think I’m starting to grow on Pumpkin, I mean- just look at those eyes! I can’t say no! Gah, Pumpkin, you….! Cute animal!!

I wiggled my hand a little before I caught what I was doing and stopped.

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


My schedule to keep myself busy on these long road trips consist of phone, watching Pumpkin, phone, petting Pumpkin, window watching, phone, aaand then repeat. Sometimes it’s boring, but I don’t want to complain during this time when Lapis is having some very strong emotions right now and wants her music. I’m hungry though. So hungry…. agh… I’m gonna starve and fade away faster than a Thanos snap… 

Pumpkin was playing with her chew toy in the middle seats, a towel laid out for her so that she wouldn’t get fur on everything, courtesy of me of course. Lapis still has her music on, we stopped like twice for gas or to let Pumpkin go to the bathroom, and my hunger is GROWING.

“Can we stop for food?” I finally cracked. It was getting dark outside. We have been driving for AGEEEESSS. 

Is… Lapis okay?

Where are we going anyway? Hey! We’re in civilization! Wait, if we’re in civilization… oh! I know where this is going! Look ahead! That’s a motel! Sure it’s not the same motel like the one we stayed at back when we had no car and were on the road running from officers, but it’s a motel! Are we staying at a motel tonight?! What about Pumpkin though? Are dogs allowed?

The music turned off once Lapis had parked in a spot a bit far from the motel. It was dead quiet. Like, super quiet. It was awkward quiet.

I said nothing yet, simply allowing a bit of space for Lapis in case she needed it. I feel like I should reassure her or say something, but what do I say? How do I make her feel better? What if I make it worse?! OH NO, WHAT IF I MAKE IT WORSE-?! My bottom lip quivered nervously.

“... Stay here,” Lapis at last said.

“Are you coming back?!” I worried. A dumb question, but I’m anxious.

Lapis stared at me.

I took that as a yes. “I’ll… stay here with Pumpkin,” I offered.

Lapis locked the car after she exited, heading over to the motel office. Ah, she’s getting us a room I suppose. This could be exciting; new motel, someplace to stay for the night that wasn’t the back of the car, some food… ooh! Does this place offer free breakfast? Or is that just a hotel thing?

I stroked Pumpkin’s ears to keep both her and I calm while we waited. I’m glad it didn’t take long for Lapis to come back, and when she did, she told me to follow her and bring Pumpkin, but to leave everything in here. I listened, still nervous about if she was doing okay. Earlier did seem a bit… you know… kinda crazy… then the fire and the… yeah.

I attached Pumpkin’s leash to her collar, letting her tag alongside me as Lapis and I walked over to our room. Room four, first floor, an easy find right by the office. Pumpkin sniffed everything, definitely happy to be exploring new places.

_Should I say something? No! Wait, Peridot, wait a bit first._

_Lapis is… vulnerable, so baby steps are required. Itty bitty signs can be your ally, maybe look for a key on what to do!_

I awkwardly coughed into my sleeve. 

_This is gonna be a while…_

I watched the purple sky begin to twinkle with stars, occupied with the view to the point I didn’t realize Lapis was telling me to go inside the room now that it was unlocked. She tossed a bag of chips at me- most likely from a vending machine, and flopped down on a bed.

_CHIPS-! … Aw darn, Cheetos? Bah, I’ll work with it. It’s still something to eat._

_At least Pumpkin always has her food… she has a whole bag of dog food in the back of the van._

I hustled Pumpkin inside. Once she was free to roam the room off her leash, I closed the door and locked it. This motel room is entirely different from the motel we stayed at before, this one is fancier and nicer… just look at that TV!! And fridge!! Thermostat!! Air conditioner!! Eek!! 

I settled down with watching television while munching on the bag of Cheetos that Lapis had gotten me, keeping the volume at a low level and finding a movie about Hollywood monsters to watch. When that was over, I switched to a late night cartoon channel, plugging my phone into a charger by the two beds in the room. Pumpkin had found a place on the bed I was on to sleep. She lay just between the pillows. She looked so cute… so peaceful… aww, she’s such a good dog. I think I love Pumpkin. I’ve never had a pet before… Could this be considered my first one? I know she’s Lapis’, but Pumpkin and I get along great!!

I continued watching television until it got late, probably around eleven or twelve, and that’s when I started yawning. I turned off the TV, threw away the empty Cheeto bag, and readied myself for slumber.

But… That’s also when I worried about Lapis again.

Gosh, okay, fine, I’ll… uh… I’ll uh do what I can. She seems… so upset…

Come on, Peridot! Be brave! She needs you! Be a good friend! Okay, here goes!

I slowly scooted towards the edge of my bed, toward Lapis’ bed.

Um… 

I scooted some more.

Lapis is just… kinda laying there with her back to me.

What the hell can I do?!?! Agh!!!

I pursed my lips.

Do I say something? Do something?

I scooted some more, and fell off my bed. Lapis turned her head for a moment as if to see if I was okay before she went back to sulking. I rolled over, rubbing my arm where I had fallen on it. At least it wasn’t like my leg or side again.

I sat up, watching Lapis. Like an obnoxious meerkat, I crept closer.

I was super close to Lapis’ bed when she turned around and saw me again.

“... Hi,” I said.

“What the fuck-?” Lapis muttered.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I just- I don’t know what to do,” I apologized, standing up. “You’re upset and I… I don't know…”

“I’m not upset,” Lapis denied.

“Yeah you are. I can tell when you’re upset-“

“Peridot, I’m _not_ upset.” Lapis turned away once more. 

I sighed. “Lapis, I just watched you set a farm on fire and you act like you’re not upset when you _are_ upset. I pick up on these details, you know! I’ve got an eye for these imperfections, I’m very detail-orientated.”

Lapis didn’t say anything.

“... Is there any way I can make you feel better?” I asked.

“... No,” Lapis replied.

“Oh.” I glanced at the ground. Well… uh, this isn’t my strongest field, and neither am I a therapist, but… 

I don’t know. I just… I sat on her bed for a second, then I gradually lay down. I watched her very closely, watching for any reactions or sudden movements indicating that she didn’t want me anywhere near her. I’m her friend! I’m supposed to help her if she feels bad! We’re a team! I touched her side, and what I didn’t expect was what came next.

Lapis shifted her position so that she could directly face me, and then she _hugged_ me. A bit tight too at that. She brought me closer to her, my face kinda in her chest, and it reminded me in a humiliating way how much shorter I am compared to her. I froze, unsure of what to do. She buried her face into my shoulder, her arms around me. 

This wasn’t like how she hugged me before weeks ago. This was more of a… I guess I’d call it like as if I’m a teddy bear or something for her to cry into? She’s definitely tearing up- I can hear her breath staggering.

This is making me sad. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything and let her let it out? Is that the right response?

I think I’ll… stay here then. I think I’ll stay here for Lapis. I was unsure as I gradually returned the hug, but Lapis didn’t pull away or correct me, so I think I’m doing the right thing.

I forget how long I was there for, as I stayed there until I fell asleep. The last thing I remember before I passed out was the sound of Lapis’ heartbeat, and her quiet sobs eventually dwindling.


	88. Week Fourteen - Peridot, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to their new dorm, Peridot discusses dorm ideas with Lapis as well as begins to make her own conclusions and promises.
> 
> CW/TW: brief discussion about sex-related topics, talk about autistic masking and past abuse

“You were hugging me last night, Lapis.”

“Did not.”

“Yes you were! You were, you were-“

“No. I wasn’t.”

“It’s okay if you were hugging me,” I puffed out my cheeks, bringing Pumpkin back to the car now that we had checked out of our room. “You can admit it, you know. Hugging is a physical interaction-“

“I know what hugging is,” Lapis grumbled.

“Yeah, but it can also initiate some positive responses to the human body, such as reducing stress, boost immune system-“

“You researched things again, didn’t you.”

I shyly smiled. “Uh… maybe?” I laughed. “I’ve been researching so many things ever since you gave me this phone. It’s not the same as my tablet or my old phone, but it’s so much better!”

“You know not everything on the internet is true, right?”

I gasped, a bit hurt that Lapis doubted my intellect. I put hours into my work, checking sources and testing theories! “Of-! Of course I do!” I defended myself. “Come here, Pumpkin.” I lifted the dog up, putting her on my seat as soon as Lapis unlocked the van. “Are we going to that high school now? With the fancy-shamcy hallelooaboo?”

“Mhm.” Lapis hopped into the driver’s seat. “... What’s a hallelooaboo?”

I buckled myself in and allowed Pumpkin to crawl into my lap. “Like… a cluster of… like…” I tried to show her with my hands, rolling them together and wiggling my fingers, “you know?”

“No… not exactly,” Lapis admitted.

I frowned. “Halle… Hallesmoogabungle? Hallewingledingle? Halle… hallelujah-booyah.”

Lapis stared at me.

I stared back.

She broke into a snort. “What kind of words are those?”

“My words,” I proudly claimed. “And now I got you to laugh! So there, I win.”

“You sound like you’re out for blood,” Lapis joked while driving us away from the motel. 

“And if Lapis ever feels down again, I’m gonnaaaa hug heeeeer.” I sang horribly, not even to a proper tune. Pumpkin howled along to my terrible pitch.

“Stop.”

“Hug her so hard she’ll feel betterrrrr!” I continued.

“Oh my god. Don’t go on The Voice please.”

I broke into a chortle. I feel like after last night, Lapis has been warming up to me again. I like it this way. I like it when she can be my friend again.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“Can we decorate our dorm?” I asked when we stopped to get some fast food for dinner later that day. “Oh! I got an idea! Fairy lights, like in those fanfictions-!”

Lapis’ cheeks inflated, her mouth going over her lips to hold in the soda she had been drinking. She forced herself to swallow before speaking. “No.”

“Why not?” I asked, crushed. I chewed on a fry very slowly.

Lapis gave me a look.

I’m so lost on what she is trying to tell me. “What? What does that mean?”

“You know what.”

“I don’t! I’m so confused!” I chewed on another fry. “Gah… your secret language is incompatible with my radar.”

“Have you heard of something called BDSM?”

“No,” I shrugged. “I don’t think I have… What’s that mean? Is it a code? Is it a language? Why does that sound a bit familiar...”

“No, it’s…” Lapis started laughing. “It’s a sex thing.”

I cringed, receding into my car seat. “EW! Lapis, why are you-?!”

“Fairy lights. Dorm room. Two people. Fanfiction,” Lapis listed. “Put all that together, and you’ll see what I mean.”

“But I don’t-!”

“Do I have to say it?”

“Yes! I don’t understand-!”

“It’s a recipe for random kinky sex in fanfiction,” Lapis broke it to me. “They wrap someone up with the fairy lights-“

“Fanfic- WAIT! Lapis! Do you-?! DO YOU READ FANFICTION TOO?! I HAVE NEVER READ A FANFICTION BEFORE THAT HAS-“

“What?! No!!” Lapis quickly responded. 

“YES YOU DO! YOU’RE BLUSHING! YOU READ SMUT, DON’T YOU?” I grinned, having caught her in her tracks.

“It’s not smut. It’s NSFW-“

“That’s smut! That’s a lemon!”

“Still NSFW.”

“What fanfiction-?!”

“I am not telling you,” Lapis parked the car so we can eat in peace. “And it’s none of your business. I only read it when I’m alone doing…  _ things _ .”

“... It’s Camp Pining Hearts, isn’t it,” I guessed. “Like that time at the motel with Steven- you put on an episode and you denied it! You like Camp Pining Hearts!”

Lapis was quiet.

“It is! It is!” I heartily laughed. “It is Camp Pining Hearts!”

“I’ve only been rewatching it since I was trapped at Charlotte’s. I don’t like people to know I watch a stupid show.”

“It’s not stupid! It’s got drama and action and-! Are you team Percy? Or team Pierre?” I interrogated.

“I’m team Louis, personally,” Lapis bit into her onion rings.

“Louis? The background character? He’s not even in the main cast!”

“He’s a good guy,” Lapis defended herself.

“Meh… I guess he is… his advice to Percy in season two was alright,” I settled. Pumpkin begged for one of my chicken nuggets, her tail wagging and her eyes doing the cutesy puppy eye look. I tore off a small piece of just the meat for her, and offered it to the dog. She took it happily. “How come you do that? You do something and then deny it? It’s not like it’s bad that you like Camp Pining Hearts,” I told Lapis. “It’s just a show! And when you denied that you were hugging me- that’s a natural response caused by-“

“Enough,” Lapis attempted to quiet me.

“- Caused by intense feeling of grief, need for human contact, reassurance, or-“

“Peridot. I said that’s enough,” Lapis spoke over me.

I went silent. I bitterly ate my food quietly.

Lapis rolled her hands over her face. She let her head rest back against her seat. “... I don’t like showing my emotions or admitting I like things most people find weird. Like Camp Pining Hearts,” she admitted to me. “I feel weak doing it.”

“Feel weak?”

“... Like I’m exposed,” Lapis elaborated. “I hate when people hide things from me but-... that’s exactly what I do too.”

I gave Pumpkin another tiny piece of my nuggets. “... Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“... I can kinda relate. I did the same thing with my mom because otherwise she got mad at me and would do awful things to me. I’m kind of still… adjusting- I know I can say anything or wave my hands all I want, but…”

“That’s different,” Lapis said. “There’s no punishment if I didn’t hide my emotions, I just… choose to.” She put her bag of food down, beginning to drive again. “I had people in middle school who’d… make fun of me for dumb shit. Shit like if you like a show or a book. Things they call cringey.”

“Cringey?”

“It means stupid.” Lapis informed me. “Embarrassing too.”

“I don’t think Camp Pining Hearts is cringey,” I stated.

“You don’t. But other people do,” Lapis corrected me. “And once you have people bully you for being adopted or having dead parents, people who bully you for shows… it just… makes you insecure about everything. People will say you’re mysterious and think it’s attractive, when really, you’re just… distancing yourself from things that can hurt you.”

_ People can bully me just because I like a show? Is Lapis saying I shouldn’t be so open during high school?  _

_ Should I go to high school? What if I get bullied?  _

“... You don’t feel like you can’t talk about Camp Pining Hearts around me though, right?” I squeaked. “I’m the biggest expert on Camp Pining Hearts out there! I even know some trivia that the creators confirmed at Comic-Con. Like did you know that while filming season three, episode two, they used a stunt double because Percy’s actor attempted it before filming and missed the mark?”

“He did?”

“Yeah! And it took him a while to heal, so that’s why season three was delayed otherwise using a stand in Percy would confuse audiences or lose interest with audiences that can tell it wasn't actually him!”

“Mm. I never knew that,” Lapis commented.

“Exactly! So if anybody is gonna bully you for liking Camp Pining Hearts, really it should be me that they bully instead! I’m the bigger nerd! I’m a true Camper!” I asserted. “You don’t have to live your life in fear, you can be yourself! And if people don’t like you for who you are, they just aren’t meant for you! People suck!” I ranted. I breathed in deeply to keep from fainting in the midst of my verbal burst. “You… can be yourself. So if someone- if anyone bullies you, they’ll have to go through me!”

Lapis’ eyes were wide. “... Wow,” she said.

I stuck out my bottom lip. “I know what it’s like to get called names… it’s not fun- I mean, even though I probably didn’t get bullied like you did-...”

“It’s fine.” Lapis quickly grabbed another onion ring before she had to focus on the freeway. “Ah- if it helps? You’re probably the first person outside of Steven that I feel comfortable talking about Camp Pining Hearts with.”

My chest jumped at those words. “Really? You- really?” My breath was stolen from me. 

Lapis nodded.

_ She… she trusts me! Lapis trusts me! _

I felt victorious, grand and glorious!

I must be developing huge smile lines at this point right now. Am I? I gently pet Pumpkin’s back, gazing at my reflection in the car window. And as I stared at myself, my smile faded.

_ … You can be yourself… people can’t tell you what you can’t or can enjoy… what you can or can’t do… _

_ I can move my hands. _

_ I… can jiggle my arms and wiggle my toes… my hands won’t be tied together or forced…- _

_ I… _

I almost jumped at the memory of wearing that old pair of putrid gloves. There never actually was anything in them, was there?

I can move my body without any containment! I don’t have to make eye contact if I don’t want to! I can eat my favorite chips if I find them again, I could buy myself my own things like a pillow or a Camp Pining Hearts flag-!

I… I’m alive.

I can breathe, I can move, I can talk, I can die and I can live! My heart is beating and I have emotions too! I can  _ live _ . All without my mother, all without her rules and her surgery and her…

I’m… I'm a person…

It took me a good while before I started slowly shaking my arm, which soon became flapping my hand.

So maybe I’m different and maybe I’m not what society would call ‘normal’, maybe I like things other people find to be childish or cringey and maybe I don’t understand some things or know too much about another to the point I can ramble for ages.

And that’s okay. I shouldn’t have to hide anymore, but because of society… I think I have to.

… At least around Lapis, I feel safer. I think she’s the only person I can be myself around without hiding myself.

… Will society ever be willing to take me for who I am without judgement?


	89. Week Fourteen - Peridot, Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After arriving to their dorm, Peridot and Lapis start to settle down.
> 
> A shorter chapter, as things with Lapis will pickup on the same day.

When we finally got to this supposed dorm of ours, I wasn’t expecting… like an actual dorm. Is that what a dorm looks like? I pulled up a picture from Google to be sure and yup, that’s a dorm. It’s even got a little quad and fountain!! 

“Did you know most high schools- actually, like almost every single one of them don’t offer this kind of housing in the United States?” I told Lapis while we worked on moving her things from the van to our room. Lapis got the key after what seemed like FOREVER as soon as we arrived, and I got a key too! I suppose that whoever Lapis says is paying for all this actually and willingly also paid for me! How lucky am I?! Our dorm room is on the second floor, a bit down the hall after we walk the staircase. My legs are KILLING me metaphorically to speak with how many trips have to be made.

“This is a new school and they’re inviting people from literally everywhere, so I guess the dorm is for people who don’t live nearby,” Lapis guessed.

“It’s dog friendly?” I murmured, taking Pumpkin up to our room after she did her business. “Do we need to go incognito and sneak her in?!”

“Small animal friendly,” Lapis corrected, “so turtles, rabbits, ferrets, cats… small dogs.”

“No big dogs though?”

“Nope.”

“Aww… alright, that’s okay because as long as we have Pumpkin, nothing can go wrong,” I decided.

“‘Mhm,” Lapis agreed.

We spent probably about… three hours moving everything, putting stuff down, getting all set up and all that goodness. Our room was a decently sized place; it had a small living room, a kitchen just by the living room, two rooms, a bathroom, and a small balcony in the living room. I can see the other dorms from it! We have basic furniture too already installed, so couches and beds we’ve got covered!

“This place is so awesome,” I happily sighed, lying down on the couch in a heap. Pumpkin jumped up onto my chest, licking my face. “No-! Down-! StooOOP!”

“So. Are you going to attend this high school with me?” Lapis asked me, closing the door and beginning to move a few things to their proper place. She gathered her clothes together to bring to her room first. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can just stay here while I go back and forth.”

“And miss out on the fun?!” I whined, placing Pumpkin on the floor. “I can come with you! I looked up what I need to do to sign myself up and I can do that if I’m under twenty one and on my own!”

“Well… I can’t stop you,” Lapis disappeared to her room. 

I played with Pumpkin’s paws, gently tapping her pawpads and squeezing her toes while she stared at me. Why do dogs have such… cute paws? 

It didn’t take long for Lapis to bring her items to her room. I asked her a few times if she wanted my help, and she declined it! As much as I hated it, I didn’t want to be a bother or get in her way, and it only took like another hour anyway until she was back in the living room. 

“I’m going to get some groceries now that we’re here,” Lapis announced while grabbing a small bag and a light coat. 

“I can come with you-!” I began, only to be silenced.

“I need somebody to watch Pumpkin,” Lapis gestured to the dog now sleeping underneath the coffee table. 

Oh. Right. Oops. I apologized by nodding my head, then I sat back down on the couch. “I’ll be the best dog sitter ever,” I bragged. “One could say that I’m… _ruff_ on the edges, but I’m also the most kindest dog caretaker ever.” I smugly puffed out my chest. “Although they’re descended from wolves, Pumpkin is the sweetest thing I know. She’s gonna have the time of her life with me watching her!”

“The fact that you used a pun is killing me,” Lapis monotoned.

“I can use more-“

“Oh god, no.”

“I’m a little hungry, so I’m gonna find something to _wolf_ down.”

“Peridot, I’m gonna kill myself if you make another pun.”

I stopped immediately, my eyes wide and my lips sealed with tight concern. “... You're… joking, right, Lapis?”

“Pray that I am,” Lapis scoffed. “I’ll be back in like an hour. I’m just getting small snacks and shit.” She opened the door. “Anything you want?”

“Hmm… how about chips?” I requested. “Cool ranch Doritos? Oh! And also ramen noodles.”

“Ramen’s a must have in dorms,” Lapis said.

“Exactly!” I agreed. 

“Okay. I’ll be back, alright?”

“Alright! Bye! LAPIS, WATCH OUT FOR WEIRD PEOPLE-!” And she’s already gone. Boo! I blew a strawberry in defeat. Perhaps I can text Lapis some more snack ideas! Like cheap cookies or brownies! Yes! I’ll be helpful both by watching Pumpkin, and providing her a list of ideas! I’m a genius!!


	90. Week Fourteen - Lapis, Thursday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis is trapped in a mental state of peril, having heard about a recent unfortunate event that sprung from her action back at the farm.
> 
> CW/TW; drug use(smoking), themes of guilt
> 
> This has spoilers for the video game Life is Strange.

_Just one stick…_

I fought with the lighter, struggling to light my cigarette.

_I’m fine- my birthday is next week anyway and so is the first week of high school here. I need this. It’s a celebration._

Once I finally lit my cigarette, I popped it into my mouth. I pulled out my phone, sitting in my car. I scrolled past recent news and suggested sites, taking the edge off with a smoke. Of course I wasn’t going to smoke on campus or around Peridot- clearly, she had made it known that she hated smells like this. Trust me, I remember from back at Pearl’s before…

… 

Before I did stupid shit. 

There. Accountability.

Is this what it’s like starting to turn a new leaf, Rose? It feels so… difficult.

_A wildfire has unexpectedly sprung up in the far corners of-_

_Stretching over several acres long-_

_And it still rages on today while firefighters battle-_

… Is there anything NOT about the fire? I didn’t mean to fucking cause it. I wasn’t thinking, I had a feeling nobody would be going back to that farm anyway-

_… God. I didn’t mean for an entire fucking WILDFIRE to start. Actions have consequences, whatever. But I didn’t intend for it to happen._

I just wanted to get rid of the farm. I felt like I HAD to- something was telling me if I didn’t, then it would haunt me.

I exhaled, holding the cigarette in my fingers. I put my phone down, relishing in the simple quiet.

Peridot had texted me multiple times when I had gotten groceries, and I complied by getting a few other things she or we might both like. I got Pumpkin some more food, and I should have enough to get her spayed once she’s old enough. She’s got all her vaccines… everything she needs… 

I felt like a bitch. 

A total useless, limp, ragged, bitch. I don’t understand why I feel like this. I thought I made peace with myself and accepted that Rose is gone. My parents- they’re gone too. People are gone and I have to deal with it. Death is permanent.

It’s just… hard.

_I caused that fire. All that destruction… I shouldn’t have been so stupid. I could’ve destroyed the farm another way._

_Because of my stupidity, evacuations are being held and people might get hurt._

_Blood is on my hands._

_This is a butterfly effect, I’m sure._

I threw my cigarette out the window. Then, I opened my door and stomped on it to be sure I put it out. I didn’t want another fire, another mass chaos.

_The butterfly effect…_

_Butterfly effect…_

I grabbed my phone. 

_Understanding the butterfly effect, chaos theory, the destruction caused by a single small action…_

I stopped scrolling on one search result.

_Of course they made games centered around this dumb effect too. It’s profitable. Until Dawn, Life is Strange- I don’t know any of these but-..._

_I caused…. destruction..._

Looking back on all the times I’ve been stupid, I realize that it’s because of me that other people also get hurt. 

_I need to think before I act. Otherwise, there’s going to be pain._

My searching was brought to a pause by another of Peridot’s texts. She was asking about entertainment again like if we could get a gaming console or a Netflix account or whatever. 

_I suppose it can get boring with only cable…_

I found my eyes lingering back to my search results.

_… Alright, Peridot. A game it is._

I’m lucky Charlotte gave me some cash to burn. And I’m lucky that I can see for myself exactly the kind of damage that can be done from small stupid things while also getting Peridot something she likes.

_It’s the least I can do. I feel bad for what I did, and I… want to try and change._

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“NO WAY. LAPIS?! YOU DID NOT.” Peridot freaked out over what I brought home from my shopping adventure.

“What? Too cheesy?” I asked, reaching out to grab the game off the counter.

“No! Nononono-! I’ve heard about the synopsis here and there a few times regarding this game. We should play it together! It’s a single player game, but we can make choices that affect our experience!”

“So it’s a choose your own adventure?”

“Exactly!! A little!!” Peridot squealed with happiness. “I can’t believe you did this- Lapis!”

I froze.

Peridot rushed over to me, embracing me in a hug. “Thank you! Thank you oh thank you thank you!”

I slowly pushed her off me, not entirely comfortable with random hugs from people who weren’t Steven yet. It’s a work in progress. “I don’t know how to set the console up-“

“I can do it! A PS4 should be no difficulty at all. Just give me the console and a few minutes, then we should be up and ready to play!” Peridot carefully took the bag that had the console, bringing it over to our television in the living room.

… _Well. That worked out better than I thought. She seems to really like it. She’s acting like she’s never even had a gaming console before._

_I know she had a tough mom but… what if she actually never had a console before? What if I just made her day? Her life?_

_I know it’s… questionable, or dumb of me to get her things as my way of saying ‘hey, I’m sorry I fucked up’, but I… hate showing my emotions no matter how sincere or serious. I guess gifts are my way of apologizing. People can have different apology methods, right?_

_I know I should start loosening up, maybe with Peridot of all people, but…_

_It’s a process. Eventually, I’ll get there._

I decided to put the groceries away while waiting for Peridot to hook up everything, Pumpkin weaving her way around my legs with a bark here and there to express how glad she was that I got more food for her. I poured her a bowl of kibble for dinner.

It was a little under half an hour when Peridot finally hooked everything up. I was busy finishing up making some cheap noodles. Ramen noodles, actually. The god of high school and college foods as I say. I put a helping into one bowl that was provided in the cabinets, then the rest of the noodles into another bowl.

_We just have to make sure we don’t break anything like the plates and bowls they gave us or the furniture. It’s gonna bite me in the ass later with repair costs otherwise._

_Just like a butterfly effect… just like how I can start a wildfire from one farm…_

I had both bowls in my hands, bringing them to the coffee table. My vision momentarily blurred.

_I feel sick._

I sat down abruptly on the couch. I rubbed my forehead.

“Hey, are you okay?” Peridot asked me, halting her rambling of whatever she had been talking about now. I didn’t even realize she had been talking in the first place. Am I that out of it?

I nodded. “How do we play?” I did my best to distract myself.

_No deaths have been confirmed, but twelve injuries have been reported. This doesn’t surpass the neighboring Ocean Town’s fire in the past, totaling at-_

“It just finished downloading- basically, you click what you want to say and you go where the game wants you to,” Peridot told me. She grabbed the remote, beginning the game.

I’m still lost on how these game consoles work. I’ve never had a PS4. Luckily Peridot can take care of that for me. She’s smart.

“Episode one… chrysalis… boop.” Peridot clicked on it, the game opening with a loud storm and a brown-haired girl enduring against it. “Uhh… wow these graphics are- oh! UGH! This is dumb! I can’t run but she wants to get to the lighthouse as fast as she can?!” 

“Huh.” I leaned over to eat my noodles, then I realized I forgot to get forks. Annoyed, it was with reluctance that I got up again to go fetch two.

_Who even forgets the forks with noodles?_

_Jesus…_

I inserted a fork into each bowl upon returning to the couch, my eyes wavering to the television screen. “Wait, what happened?”

“It was a dream,” Peridot explained, “and she’s in college I think. Wait- okay, I was wrong. It’s a high school. Her name is Max, that’s her teacher, that’s Kate, and that’s Victoria.” She pointed to each character as she spoke.

Alright. Cool. “Are you going to eat your noodles or…?”

“I will! Hang on though.” Peridot was focused on this game. If she keeps at it, I’ll have to just save her dinner for later. 

I took a good four or five bites from my bowl. My eyes were fighting to stay awake. I just feel… tired. 

I’m pretty sure I did pass out for a bit, as before I knew it I had woken up to Peridot giggling. I awkwardly wiped away the saliva that had been dribbling down my chin due to my snoring, my mouth full of that weird after-nap taste. 

“... What?” I murmured, making eye contact with Peridot. She was looking at me.

“You snore when you sleep.”

“What else is new?”

“Look!” Peridot gestured to the television screen. She’s still playing this game? Wow. Determined. “They put you in the game!”

“What?”

Peridot laughed some more. “It’s okay, I’m only joking. But this character reminds me a lot of you! Her name’s Chloe, she’s the blue-haired girl.” 

Blue-haired-? Oh my god. “You only think she reminds you of me because of the hair,” I scoffed. 

_Should I dye my hair again?_

“It’s not just the hair! Her personality exhibits similar traits to your personality,” Peridot said.

“Like… what?” I rubbed my eyes, getting a better look at the screen.

“She’s more of a doesn’t care sort of persona, struggles with the loss of a family member, talks like-“

“Okay, enough.” I blinked upon seeing this character in the game. Peridot moved her character around the room while this Chloe character… danced? On her bed? Smoking? Oh god…

_Peridot is calling you out, idiot._

_And if you don’t realize that you have issues that need to be taken care of, it’s just gonna get worse._

“What did I miss?” I pondered. “What happened? Weren’t you just in a class or something?”

“Yeah and then I had to save Chloe from being shot in a bathroom! See, look I have time powers where I can rewind certain events by pressing this button-“

“This game has time travel?”

“Not in all entirety, but to an extent. You can’t go all the way back, only a little.”

“Hm.” I noticed Peridot still hadn’t touched her noodles. Unable to easily fall back asleep, I decided to watch her play the game for a while longer, doing my best to catch up on what I missed.

Ironically, the more I watched Peridot play, the more I began to understand why she said I was like the blue haired character in this game.

_… Maybe I should dye my hair again..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Life is Strange (c) Square Enix


	91. Week Fourteen - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Lapis seem to be slowly developing their friendship deeper. Ya know, all that good stuff.
> 
> Again, this has some Life is Strange spoilers.

I think we have a problem. Both me and Lapis, obviously, to be more specific, have a problem. So we started this game around dinner time last night, right? And then we just… kinda kept going with the whole game until we absolutely passed out FLAT OUT tired of staring at the screen. And it sucks because I just got to the good part where they’re finally finding out where Rachel Amber is!!! Stupid human bodies needing to recharge!!

I woke up sometime late in the morning. I had passed out on the couch next to Lapis where we had been observing the game. She was still asleep and I didn’t want to wake her, so I slowly moved away bit by bit until I was free. Success!! Aw, I forgot to eat my noodles… 

I took Pumpkin outside for a while, then came back inside to scavenge for food. I filled Pumpkin’s bowl with kibble before I began my search for a delicious meal. It’s kind of interesting what kind of food Lapis bought yesterday; cereals, snacks, microwaveable foods and soups… oh! She got fruit loops! I’ll be taking that, thank you.

I’m perfectly able to take care of myself in a household environment. I’m not a kid, and I’m definitely no thumbless primate. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m capable of looking after myself, which… is going to help me if I end up back on the streets. I survived this far, didn’t I? I should be fine! I’m not helpless, I’m not incapable like my mother thought I was-!

… Oops. I accidentally spilled some milk. I grabbed a few paper towels, cleaning up after myself. I guess I was just getting so frustrated that I began to disregard my surroundings…

I’m with Lapis now though! New life, new me, new chapter, uh… new home? No, I shouldn’t say that… This is simply a temporary stay until this school season ends, I’m sure. Which, speaking of- I think I’ll go get myself signed up last minute if they have any space for me. I’ve read up on how I can apply if I’m by myself without a parent, and I can do so as long as I’m under twenty one and on my own. It should be an automatic immediate acceptance, but I will have to show my records later to the school such as my vaccinations. I’ll do that today so that it’s out of the way… Somehow I’ll have to do that...

Ew, gross, those noodles have definitely expired in those bowls from last night. Pumpkin almost knocked a bowl of old ramen noodles over while I sat down to eat my fruit loops, so I had to take the bowls to the counter out of her reach. Then I had to come back for my freaking fruit loops, like oh my god Pumpkin, do you WANT to eat human food?! Are you a person trapped inside a tiny dog?! No, I don’t think so!

I ate in silence for a while. Pumpkin would sit there and beg for my cereal, which is funny since she already ate her kibble. Why are you still hungry, dog?! We also made sure you got food on our trip here! Dogs are weird. Chihuahuas though- those are super weird. They’re all descended from wolves and yet they’re… ew. Pumpkin’s an exception though, since she isn’t a chihuahua and she’s just so cute. I still won’t give her my cereal though!!

I don’t know how long Lapis was gonna sleep in for- usually she had an alarm on her phone during our trip… After I ate, I put my bowl in the sink and I started playing the Life is Strange game again. I’m so sorry Lapis, I know you want to see what happens too but I’m HOOKED!! I NEED ANSWERS!!! I can tell Lapis later about what happened!

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“Wait. So, what happened after Kate…?”

“I got taken to the office, and I… I uh…”

“Peridot… What did you do?” Lapis crossed her arms.

“I STARTED EPISODE THREE WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP-“ I blurted.

“You DID WHAT?” Lapis was shocked. “PERIDOT!”

“I’M SO SORRRYYYYY!”

“HOW FAR ARE YOU? REPLAY IT!”

“BUT LAPISSSSS!!”

Yeah, we have a problem. So I went back, I replayed a few things… it was pretty good. After lunch though- well, late lunch because we ate at like two, Lapis asked me something.

“Do you want to go buy clothes or something?” Lapis questioned, causing me to pause the game.

“Huh?”

“You heard me. Wanna go buy clothes?”

“Clothes?” I repeated. “Uh- sure?” I mean, I don’t know why she’s asking me that? She has a lot of clothes?

Lapis rolled her eyes. “For  _ you _ , doof.”

I looked at her, putting the controller down. “M-me?” I choked out.

“You can’t wear that same thing all the time,” Lapis made a point.

“I have about two outfits!” I retorted. “It’s called laundry.”

“No. That won’t do. Come on.” Lapis fetched her keys.

I couldn’t talk her out of it. I was going with Lapis to buy clothes. Eugh, clothes. My mother used to always pick my clothes out for me, and if I was good, I was able to choose it myself! What, do I choose what I want to wear all the time now? Is this how it works?!

We left Pumpkin in the bathroom so that she wouldn’t mess anything up, seeing as we still have to buy a crate for her. We locked our dorm, got into the van, and then wee, off we went. Lapis assures me that she’s got plenty of money to spare, and I don’t care how rich she suddenly is, I feel…  _ bad  _ that she’s offering to do this for me. Can you believe this?! She even said she meant to do this before!! She meant to get me things!! Buy me things!!

“You don’t have to- you really don’t have to-“ I started as we pulled up to a small clothing store nearby. Apparently, a bit past the school, there’s some shops and restaurants just outside Beach City itself. I’d say it’s more inland? Like the school is inland, but go even more inland as if you’re preparing to take a long road out of this state, and there’s a few places to explore. I’m bad at giving directions.

“ I need hair dye anyway,” Lapis said. We stepped into the store, beginning to browse around. “And if you’re going to school with me-“

“Which, I can do if you can take me to the office after this,” I mentioned. “I know what to do. I researched it and double checked all sources.”

“Of course you did,” Lapis quietly commented. “Here. Start looking through-... Hm.” 

“What?”

“Your… hair. It’s… great, but-“

“You’re judging my hair, aren’t you.”

“No!” Lapis poorly lied. “It’s… it’s so… you?”

I scrunched up my frown. “I’m not a barber, and it’s obviously gonna grow back super wonky,” I said. “Just look at these strands! Gyeh!” I pulled at some longer hairs on my scalp. “Why bother with my hair now?! It’s been forever since I cut it-!”

“Do you want a haircut or anything? They could clean it up for you before we start classes.”

I thought about it, browsing through a few shirts. “... Why are you doing this for me?”

“I have money I can spare,” Lapis laughed. “Besides, why not?”

My suspicions about Lapis’ burst of generosity only grew bigger. She bought me some shirts and pants that I had picked out, she also let me get a new pair of shoes, a new pair of glasses in my prescription, and also some green hair dye I could try out! Who is she?! What did this person do to the Lapis I know?! That’s a joke, but it’s just… WEIRD!! I mean- I’m also not used to people getting me things, and then she offers to-!! AGH!

I turned down the haircut offer. I like my hair how it is, and I chose the dye myself because I wanted to feel  _ cool _ . I saw Lapis buying some blue dye, I happened to see the box nearby, I asked her questions about hair dye, and so it was done. When we got back, it was a hair dying party that I am LIVING for.

I let Lapis dye my hair for me- a smart move shall I brag as I know nothing about this thing. I watched her in the bathroom mirror, making faces and noticing Pumpkin in the doorway watching us both. 

“It looks like guacamole,” I murmured, having told Lapis to only and I said ONLY dye the tips. I want that kind of frosted look that looks awesome, I don’t wanna be an actual full on guacamole head. 

“Let it sit there for a while.” Lapis put a grocery bag over my head.

“I feel contained.”

“Then you’re on your way to having guacamole tips.”

“Heeeey!”

Lapis giggled. She focused on dying a strip of her own hair blue while we waited for my hair to… what does dye- how does this work? Why did she need a grocery… I don’t know.

“What made you want to suddenly dye your hair?” I questioned.

“Eh. That game maybe,” Lapis shrugged. “Birthday next week… that crap.”

“Oh! Oh my gosh! Yeah, your birthday!!” I grinned wide. “We can have a party, and I’ll be hosting, since it’s my courtesy-...” My smile faded. “... Oh. I don’t have much to my name- been traveling and avoiding getting caught you know- I’m not sure how I’m… going to be able to host a party, much less get you any present.”

“It’s fine,” Lapis assured me. “I’m not a birthday person much.”

“But I want to at least return my gratitude for your own gifts to me! Like my phone and the clothes-!”

“Peridot, it’s fine.” Lapis put a grocery bag over her own head once she finished coloring the strip in her hair. “Plus… this is the least I can do for you.”

I raised a brow.

“I… hope that you don’t feel any kind of… hate, towards me. But if you do, that’s fine.”

“Why would I?”

“For the things I did.” Lapis sat down on the rim of the bathtub. I remained standing, turning my head to her. “I feel like no matter what I do, I can’t ever fix it. Stuff like… when I was an ass to you. When I got mad at you for…” She clenched a hand into a fist. “... I’m sorry if it feels like I’m guilt tripping you, or constantly trying to get you something- I just… really don’t know how to say I’m sorry. It’s not like I’m with Rose anymore. Simple apologies don’t work. Not if I keep making bullshit mistakes again.”

I chewed my bottom lip. “You don’t have to buy me anything.”

“I have to show you I’m sorry.”

“Lapis! You don’t have to get me things! It’s great that you want to, but don’t- don’t feel compelled to! I accept your apology. I trust you, we're a team now, right?”

Lapis unsurely nodded.

“I’m sure that as long as we like… are aware of what we are doing and strive to be better, it’s gonna be fine?” I said. “Yeah. It’s gonna be fine. I like having you for commentary when I play video games too!”

“You… do?”

“Yeah! You’re the closest thing I have to a real life Chloe!”

“Pft. Don’t call me that.” Lapis tried to hide her amusement from me, but it didn’t slip by me easily. “Can you promise me something?”

“I can… try.”

“If I start to get irrational or do stupid things again, call me out on it.”

I gulped. That sounds like a big responsibility… plus what if she gets mad at me for doing so? Or what if she doesn’t like me anymore after I do that? What if I misinterpret something which makes me call her out and it turns out to be for nothing? Am I up to this task?! I sighed. “... I promise.”

“Thank you.” Lapis got up. “Now, let’s take these bags off.”

_ I feel like that is a big responsibility… if it’s for a friend though, I can do it! I’m sure! I’m only afraid of if I mess up…  _

_ She says she’s sorry, and wants me to call her out on future irrationality.  _

_ I wonder if this is a good way to better someone though- I mean, if she wants to become better, whatever that means, is the only way for me to stay alert and try to recognize behaviors or actions that are destructive? Is she going to make the effort to change herself? Does she need to rely on someone else to help her? Not that I thought she was bad before! No! She’s a good person! I think everyone can be a good person... I like Lapis! I think she’s a good person! _

_ Maybe she’s just… confused and hurting. Just like I am… or… something... _

_ _


	92. Week Fifteen - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weird how there hasn’t been much going on lately besides some light fluff... Hmm...

Lapis says that classes start this Tuesday after Labor Day. It’s… weird? I mean- I’ve never had a school that would start this late before, and she also said that we would get out around the end of June. So kind of like other schools, except we get out and start a bit later but I heard we will also get holiday breaks. I don't know, I’ve heard people say that Beach City is weird. Just look at the blog run by this guy named…!

… Wait.

I know that name… WAIT A SECOND, OH MY GOSH. I KNOW THAT MAN!! It’s such a small world… holy cow… If I ever meet Ronaldo again I would yell.

I got myself signed up and luckily? I got in! Lapis had taken me to the office, providing me a source of emotional support throughout my journey. I signed myself under a different name- paranoid if I could be tracked using my real name, so I enrolled as Percy Scott. 

…

… Yeah, not the proudest name I could come up with on the spot, I know… I told the counselor my parents are dead-. Uhhh… so… that’s a thing. This school seems nice. The counselor seemed nice, and so did the principal. He’s this guy with a scraggly brown beard named Mr. Leone, and the school’s mascot is a pink lion. Lapis said that it reminds her of her cat. I don’t see the corresponding relations between a fictional pink lion and a cat...

“Did you know that according to the new horoscope dates, you’d be a Leo and not a Virgo? Isn’t that ironic since the mascot is a lion?” I informed Lapis while she did some laundry in our dorm. “Mine would be… uh… wait, okay, hang on- Gemini, I’m still a Gemini.”

“You’re a Gemini?” Lapis sounded amused.

“I am! And they’re known to be social; chattering, charming, attractive, smart-! Hey! Did you know according to this site, I’m a good kisser?”

“Really? Prove it.”

I stared blankly at Lapis. “... What?”

Lapis caught my eye contact. “What?”

“You- Huh- you said I should prove it. Okay, how do I prove it?”

Lapis fell silent. 

We stared at each other.

Lapis threw another shirt into the washing machine, shut the door, and walked away.

“HEY! You can’t just leave me like that! I am too-! Look, my horoscope says so!” I tripped on my own feet trying to catch up to her, luckily catching my phone before it touched the ground. “Gah! Fine! I was only joking!” I let out a groan, rolling over on to my belly on the floor. I continued browsing through my phone. “Taurus… Gemini…”

“I know you’re joking,” Lapis called.

“Good!” I stuck out my tongue childishly. 

“Take your clothes out of the dryer.”

“Okay.” I turned my phone off, picking myself off the floor. Pumpkin rushed over to lick my face before I did so, making me hurry up with standing. “Hey you… small ball of fur and slobber.” The task of removing my clothes from the dryer and to my room was an easy chore. Pumpkin wanted to hide in my warm clothes and I felt bad when I had to take them from her so I could put them away. Those big eyes… UGH. OKAY, FINE! Here, you can have this shirt, Pumpkin.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“Why were you looking at horoscopes earlier?”

“For your birthday of course! On Wednesday!”

“Peridot, I already told you it’s fine.”

I puffed out my chest. “Can we at least get a cake? It’s a celebration, Lapis!”

“... Vanilla. That’s it.”

“Yes!!” 

“Pause the game real quick. I got our schedules.”

I paused the game, much to my sad reluctance, though I do have to admit that I’m a bit excited to also see what classes I got. Maybe geometry?! Physics?! I say that I have an excellent knack for sciences or history in particular. Ooh, how about my electives?! Which ones did I get?! Math can be a good class as long as it’s not-

“CALCULUS?” I studied my schedule again. “Oh stars…”

“Calculus isn’t that bad,” Lapis hummed. “Did you take pre-calc before?”

“Yeah, but-! I hated it!”

Lapis chuckled. 

“English… Earth science… what’s a ‘tech class’?” I tried to think of a possibility.

“Didn’t you choose your electives?” Lapis mentioned.

“Well, yeah, but there wasn’t much of a description,” I explained. “I think it’s a computer sort of class- coding, gaming, hopefully. What do you have?”

“The boring stuff,” Lapis answered.

“Nono! Your electives, what’s your electives? Maybe we have a class together!”

Lapis quickly looked at her paper. “Art…”

I eagerly waited.

“... Music…”

“What instrument?” I questioned.

“I don’t know yet. I was thinking guitar, but then my fingers would get torn up.”

“I think guitar can work for you. You can sing and do guitar at the same time,” I suggested.

Lapis turned her head away from me with a scoff. “I don’t sing.”

“You do sing! And I like to hear you sing! You don’t sing like most people on the radio using auto tune or worrying about whether they sound good while they do it, you sing like you know what you’re singing and where it’s coming from.” I sat down at the kitchen counter, staying near Lapis while I viewed the rest of my schedule. “I’ve only heard you sing rarely, but I like it! I like… hearing you sing.”

“Mm.” Lapis put her schedule down, sitting next to me. “My next thought was flute. Or clarinet.” She folded her paper back up. “... You know, I used to find you very annoying.”

“If that’s a compliment, you made it sound sarcastic,” I noted.

“Take it as you like,” Lapis snorted.

“Heeeeey.” I made a face at her.

“What else is on your schedule?” Lapis prompted.

“Oh! I signed up for some random electives so that I qualify as a full time student- you know all that shmazz. I have a few I’m thinking of changing out if I don’t like them, but honestly I’m just super hyped that I was able to put myself back on the school map in terms of my grade. Getting held back was embarrassing- and my mom, she would have me go to private schools and elite schools, so it was twice as embarrassing-“ I paused. “... Sorry. I talk a lot, I just realized that-“

“No, it’s fine.” Lapis assured me. “I like hearing you talk.”

“... Oh.” My cheeks warmed up. “You… do?”

Lapis nodded.

I had to take that information in for a moment. My mother used to hate if I talked without being spoken to, and she also hated when I said anything to her unless it was important.

_ Someone actually… wants to hear me talk? _

My lips turned to a small smile. I took a breath in, and I continued talking. Lapis didn’t get up or leave, she actually stayed and  _ wanted  _ to hear more from me! She doesn’t even stop me or make fun of me for telling her random things like how there’s a pigeon breed called the German Owl pigeon with a smaller beak than the rest of the pigeon breeds! We talked about our classes some more, Pumpkin wanted to be held in Lapis’ lap during our conversation, and later that night, we finished up episode three of Life is Strange.

… I… wish I had this kind of life earlier in my youth... Imagine if I was able to just... be myself while I was still mentally developing...


	93. Week Fifteen - Lapis, Monday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis has an unexpected visitor the night before school begins.
> 
> TW/CW: talk/discussions involving abuse, a bit of blood, a smidge of what can be considered self harm (but it was unintentional by the character)

_Stay calm. This is an entirely different party._

I didn’t want to tell Peridot about this because loud stuff seems to not be her thing. Crowds, partying… I doubt she has been in any of these even. Alcohol, drugs… yeah, this is familiar to me, but not to her I bet.

_I’ll be home around ten. Watch Pumpkin._

I feel like an outcast here. I know nobody, I’m a freak in the corner- why did I come here? 

_You know why. This is supposed to be both for your new school and your new life, and also an early birthday party of sorts. Come on! Just… loosen up. You can have fun again. Just DON’T be stupid._

My eyes fell upon the drinks and food. I scanned the crowd, never dropping my guard. I’ve heard of parties being thrown when school ended or over the summer, but who’s idea was it to have a party to celebrate school _starting_? 

_I’m not going to drink. I’m not going to do drugs._

_You need to be home around ten. Peridot trusts you._

_Be clean. Be sober._

It helps that most of the people have to sneak in some alcohol or do their weed outside off campus. I think that gives me… assurance, that I won’t suddenly succumb to it unless I made the effort. Less harder to obtain means I won’t bother.

I could try and make friends? Or, at the least introduce myself to some other people and get to know their names… I miss the parties back home. Home, like the farm, I mean. Before that burned down… Most of all, I miss Jenny, Sour Cream… Buck… Those who would come to the farm I also didn’t mind the company of. We were like… a family, as Rose would’ve said.

This party looks sad. People are dancing and taking food, but it wasn’t as big as the ones I grew up on. I’m guessing it’s because it’s a dorm party, and only some people have dorms here. Still a decent sized crowd though- looking at it from the inside of a small dorm room anyway.

I did pretty good. I showed up, I took a bit of chips and salsa from the food table, I spoke to a few other students when they approached me, I stayed clean. I actually felt… fine, without any sort of drink or chemical. Why did I even do drugs? It tastes fucking _awful_.

I kind of regretted coming here purely because it wasn’t as fun or exciting as I thought it’d be. The food kept me around for a bit, but other than that… 

Alright, I’ll take some food to bring back for Peridot. She’d probably like these chips too. Maybe a soda with it, I don’t know…

Once I gathered a paper plate of chips together, I threw another paper plate on top to cover the food. I left the dorm where the party was being held, walking back to my own. It’s an easy trip from the boys’ dorms to the girls’. I was able to cover the journey in about two minutes walking at my own pace. I find the night accompanying me rather peaceful. Nothing but crickets, the moonlight… the world is quiet, and it’s got a charm to it I can’t describe in perfect detail. 

I stopped for a second to see my phone since it buzzed with an incoming notification. If it’s Peridot texting me, I’m going to chuckle and roll my eyes. I’m like only a minute away, and I’ve got chips for her. She’ll be surprised. 

**9:46 PM**

**FROM: UNKNOWN NUMBER**

**Turn around.**

I stared at my phone. 

_Is this a joke?_

_… Scam caller._

I put my phone away. But… this feeling of uncertainty- paranoia?- settled in. I looked only with my eyes, never turning my head. I started walking again.

Another notification.

_Don’t look at it. If you stop to look at it, you’re going to be distracted long enough to get grabbed._

It’s simple things I’ve picked up on. Small things, to prevent kidnappings or anything of that sort. The world we live in is dangerous. It’s just… weird that I feel unsafe on a _school campus_ -? Are there any cameras around? I used my eyes alone again to see if I could pick out any.

“Lapis-“

I sharply turned around, hitting someone in the gut. The paper plate with the chips that I planned on bringing to Peridot flew out of my hands. Chips scattered across the ground. I glanced up, my muscles ready to make any hasty decision. Though, when I saw who it was, all unease left my body.

“... Oh my god-“ I breathed, taking in who it was in front of me. My chest and eyes said to cry, but my fists said anger. In the end, it was anger that won. I pushed her away from me, my tongue knowing no limit and no restrictions on what I began to spit out. I was pissed to say the least. “You-! Shitbag! I texted you over a million times and only NOW you respond to me?! Do you have ANY idea what I’ve been through?! I NEEDED you, and you WEREN’T there for me-!”

“Things were… complicated,” Jasper told me.

I stepped back. “... Why are you here? How-?” This was where that feeling of uneasiness came in again. Something didn’t feel right.

_… I need to get out of here._

_Now._

I turned to run, but I was stopped. Jasper grabbed my arm. “Let go of-!”

“Would you just _listen_?” Jasper asked me.

“You shouldn’t be here!” I hissed at her. “How did you find me?! Were you _following_ me?!”

“I was following _her_ ,” Jasper grinned.

_What is she talking-?_

“You know who I’m talking about,” Jasper pulled me closer like she could read my mind. “Peridot Diamond. I’ve been following you ever since you took her in. Waiting… watching…”

“You know-?”

“I haven’t had a proper sleep schedule in days. I’d put off eating food just to keep her in my sights.” Jasper chuckled. “Now that we’ve got her, we turn her in and get the reward. Then, we-“

“Turn her in?” I was stunned.

“There’s a _huge_ money reward.”

“No!” I struggled with finding my words. “I’m not turning anybody in.”

“What?!” 

I slipped my arm out of her grasp in the midst of her shock. I put space between me and Jasper fast. “I’m not turning anybody in,” I repeated boldly.

“Do you know how much that brat is worth?!”

“I don’t care.”

“I spent DAYS tracking her down, I spent HOURS of my own PERSONAL HEALTH to find her!”

“... That's _your_ fault. I’m not turning anybody in.”

“She’s a _Diamond_!” Jasper shook her head. “... I know what the Diamonds did to you. Don’t you want to get back at them?”

“How the _fuck_ do you know-“

“I have my ways.” Jasper stepped forward. I was debating between booking it or running to the school office. “Making allies really pays off.”

_You can’t lead her to your dorm. That’s where Peridot is._

_Besides, how does she know about-?!_

_..._

_… Oh my god._

_If she’s been following me- following Peridot… if she had been following me this whole time ever since I found Peridot-_

“You talked to Charlotte…” I began. “Charlotte told you where to go-“

“Only after I got sick of waiting outside that mansion for you to come out.”

“That’s _stalking_.”

“It’s _justice_ if that Diamond girl is involved! Look at what the Diamonds did to you. That money that she comes with? It can help us begin a new life together.”

“I already have a new life!” I rebutted. “And it’s…! It’s not with _you_!”

Jasper’s eyes widened at my words. I could see the flash of pain and confusion in them. She grimaced. “How did you let that punk blind you like this? Diamonds can manipulate, did she manipulate you?!”

“If you want to start talking about who’s blind, start with yourself,” I retaliated. “Peridot _saved_ me. She never-!”

“I saved you too! Didn’t I?!” Jasper raised her volume.

_Exactly what I want. Get loud enough for a security on campus to hear you and kick you out._

_Maybe I could get closer back to the dorms… someone could wake up and see the commotion..._

“... I used you,” I blurted. “I- I don’t know if I actually liked you-“

Jasper inhaled deeply.

It was too late to backtrack. In my own standoff, I began to admit things. “I _enjoyed_ every moment we had together, but even then there were times where we just… _weren’t_ for each other,” I went on. “We fought. A lot. We got into fights…” I refused to shy away. I said what I said and I _meant_ it. “... Most of the time, I was just _lonely_ and wanted someone with me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“

“... You never loved me?”

“I don’t know if I-...”

Jasper took a few steps back. “Did you love me?”

I sighed. “No.”

Jasper’s eyes shifted to look at the ground.

I couldn’t say anything more, unable to find the right words. I was put on the spot- what do you expect?! I can’t… organize my thoughts.

“I did this… for _us_ ,” Jasper snarled. “I did this for YOU! I gave up everything for YOU!”

“You didn’t have to!”

“Did you at least _care_ about me?!”

“I-“

“Did you CARE that I sacrificed so much for _US?!_ ” Jasper kept intervening.

“I never want to feel like how I felt with you ever again! Fake- using someone for my own benefit!” I put my foot down. “And I never want to-...! I… I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say? I already did what’s been done-! If anything, we were just… friends with benefits or something! And I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to control myself, or my emotions- I was a stupid teenager with issues and you were one of the few people that made my life worth living until I found a new reason to live! I was dumb! I thought hey, I could use alcohol, drugs, sex, to distract myself from the crippling pain that is living! And guess what?! It doesn’t work! I’ll always come back to feeling shitty! Because those things don’t make the problem go away! They’ll come back! Again, and again…”

“Is that all you saw me as?” Jasper shook her head in disbelief. “Just… a sex buddy?”

“No- I mean- I didn’t mind us making out, but- honestly, I loved the hugs more than anything else. I loved being with you but I can’t-... I can’t be _with_ you.”

“You’re making no sense.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“I don’t understand!”

I did my best to hold in my frustration. “Get the fuck out of here. If you even THINK about continuing to come looking for Peridot, I’ll-“

“So that's it, huh?” Jasper laughed. “We’re done. And you’re snapping like this because you found someone better?”

My facial expression loosened up reluctantly thanks to the creep of flusterment settling in.

“... I see.” Jasper said. “You can stop being irrational. You care about that brat, don’t you? You would rather be with a fugitive- a _Diamond,_ than with me? You would rather have her than the money she’s worth?”

I said nothing.

Jasper reached into her pockets. She took out something small and sheathed in a leather guard. 

I was back to being uncomfortable.

“... Here.” Jasper tossed the item at my feet. 

I jumped.

“You’ll need this more than I do.” Jasper began to turn away, and it was only then that I realized she was _choosing_ to retreat because campus security was heading our way. “I respect your loyalty. Even if it’s to someone who doesn’t deserve it.”

_We were loud all right. We got the attention of somebody finally._

“That Peridot girl is worth _hundreds._ I was shown proof by that woman in the mansion that my sister was finally taken by CPS, and I can’t go back home, so I personally can’t use her anymore. If you don’t want to come with me, I could care less what happens with that Diamond girl now. You better know what you’re fucking doing, because you’re still in this mess.” Jasper walked off, clearly upset with her signature grumpy walk.

“Mess?” I echoed. “Jasper-!”

_What the fuck do you mean?!_

_I’m sorry I went off on you- I don’t know what I was thinking. But what the FUCK is going on?_

I stared at what was at my feet. I grabbed it swiftly, running back to my dorm and stepping on a few chips as I sprinted off to avoid being seen by the security. I didn’t stop running, not for a second, my heart beating and my eyes weighted with the urge to water. 

I didn’t realize I was holding a knife until I got to the level of my dorm room, standing outside the door. I took the object out of the guard, examining it with remorse.

_I have so many questions…_

_Jasper left me. And I don’t blame her._

_I led her on._

_I used her._

I held the knife in a way where the blade began to dig into the skin of my palm as I clenched it. I ignored the blood that leaked from where the cut in my hand lay. I felt no pain. I felt no sting. Just the liquid dripping down my hand.

_How does Charlotte know anything about Jasper’s family? Jasper’s mom… she works for the Diamonds or something like that, doesn’t she?_

I grew sick.

_… Why did Jasper have this knife anyway?_

I wanted to vomit. I took my hand away from the knife. Jasper never carried a knife around before. And...

_The only way Charlotte could know anything about random crap like Jasper’s family is if…_

_… I was right not to trust her. I don’t think this is over yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’d say things will start officially “normalizing” for a good long while after chapter 95. Bit of crazy stuff still, some unanswered or confusing things, where the hell is Steven now, what about the other farm therapy kids, that’s for later.
> 
> Originally, Jasper was going to pursue Peridot anyway even after finding out Lapis didn’t want to go with her, but I thought over it and decided against it as Jasper only wanted the reward money for either her sister or for her and Lapis. So if you take those both out of the equation... she has nothing left to live for and loses her drive, kinda like how in the show she came to a point of “what’s my purpose/I don’t have a purpose anymore” after Steven ended the war, succumbing to a state of what can be called numbness.


	94. Week Fifteen - Mary, Monday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the Lazuli place, everyone’s true colors are revealed.
> 
> CW/TW: themes of abuse, mental instability/unhealthy obsession with greed/power  
> Some places will make you go ??? because it sounds like she’s spitting nonsense

“With any luck, she’s been properly taken care of now and that inheritance she would’ve gotten is completely ours for good,” my mother said, ignoring my presence in the room. She walked by me, her shoes clicking against the tile floor. “It was _too_ perfect when that friend of hers showed up. Stage the blame of the murder on her, news will go out with horrors of the murder, and financial stability is ours.”

“... This feels wrong,” I spoke up.

“How? I’m just looking after my daughters,” my mother defended herself. 

“Yeah, but this isn’t our money,” I shrugged. “It’s the Florence’s. You’re only getting it because they died and put you in their contract thingie for their possessions-“

“And it’s going to stay that way as long as Lapis can’t claim her banked share once she turns eighteen. It would’ve gone to charity if she died on that ship. Having her under my care at least sets the ground for me as her caretaker, so I’ll get the rest instead of her or Rose.”

“How are you sure that’s how this works? Who were you going to send if that woman didn’t come by asking where she was going?”

“I had many plans…” my mother hummed. “Originally, I was going to either poison the birthday cake the night before her birthday and say she died from an illness, or send someone else to take care of her before she attends school. I would say she decided to drop out. The school is lenient. I only allowed her to go in the first place to keep her trust.”

_Kind of dumb to send her to a school if you wanted less people to know about her so they can’t stand as witness if there’s a court... Then again, she has been going crazy lately. Last night, mom tried to cook wax._

“She can’t claim it if she has no idea it exists…” I pointed out.

“I can’t risk it.”

“You didn’t want her back until you found out about the inheritance?” I said.

“Mary, we have talked about this-“

“If you’re willing to do all that over Lapis, what about us?” I asked. “Are me and Nancy…?”

“You’re my daughters! I would never-!”

“And so is Lapis…” I gritted my teeth.

“Lapis isn’t important. She wasn’t planned anyway nor did I want her. I had nothing. I was glad to find someone else who wanted her when she was young. Someone with _money_.”

“You lied to her? You want us, right?” I wanted reassurance.

“Mary, get out of my room. You’re bothering me.” Charlotte ordered. 

“Are me and Nancy next? You’ve gone so far with this-“

“ENOUGH! MARY!” My mother roared at me. She began to ramble; “I paid a man to have him intentionally sink that ship the Florences were on and keep Lapis alive for this- then he didn’t tell me who had her now and I never stopped searching... I have come so far. TOO FAR to let this go! Selkies are valuable. Their coats are, at least. Worth a lot to the selkie, some even go mad if you hide their coat. Selkies are precious, a prize you can catch only once in your life. We have our selkie. You can either accept this privileged life that so few people have ever experienced, or end up on the streets beaten and killed! You have power, and you have money. What more do you want?! You SPOILED BRAT!” Charlotte threw a glass carving onto the ground near me, the art smashing into billions of pieces. 

I quickly jumped back, avoiding the glass. “... I wish I had a mom that loved me just as much as she loved money,” I shamefully mumbled, trembling.

Charlotte shakily smiled. “I love you so much… but you’re making me upset...”

“How do you know if Lapis was actually…?”

“Easy. I text that woman I sent off with the phone and knife I gave her. I track her location, and it’s a smooth transaction. Nobody can fail me... Nobody can disobey me. Why don’t you go back to fooling with your sister?”

“How long are you going to be involved with the Diamonds? And this inheritance plan?”

“You could always stop worrying about me first. I know the story; Rose was actually Peony who ran off and got plastic surgery because she didn’t want to be a Diamond, blah blah blah, White told me- Who cares about the Diamonds? You’re all I care about right now.” Charlotte stepped towards me. “Now, go continue to be a good daughter. Step over that glass. You’d be worth nothing if you hurt your skin.”

I was forced out of the room. I headed downstairs, sucking in my cheeks. Nancy had been listening just outside the doors, so she followed me. “Mary! Hey, Mary, what were you doing in there? Is mom being funny again?”

“That’s just the beginning of it.“

Nancy leaned her head on my shoulder. We sat down in front of the fireplace in the living room. “I wish mom cared about us as much as she cared about the inheritance.”

“Me too…” I glanced into the empty fireplace. “I think she’s going to get worse.”

“So what do we do?”

I sighed. “I don’t know...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Charlotte’s character was inspired from a relative of mine; said relative is a narcissist obsessed with money and doesn’t really care about me unless I’m of “any worth” to them, only keeping me around as a “parading trophy” to show off to everyone what a good ____ they are, despite being not the best to me. Some language featured here was also inspired by quotes they’ve said before. I’m... not sure if they have any mental illnesses and I don’t know their background, so all of that just like with Charlotte is interpretive.  
> Unlike Lapis though I mean, at least they haven’t tried to use me for inheritance stuff and haven’t sent someone after me to kill me. Not that I know of 😳


	95. Week Fifteen - Lapis, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School begins and Lapis... just isn’t having it after yesterday.
> 
> CW/TW: character has a panic attack, slight mentions of past abuse/trauma, one character makes a very small and quick school shooting joke in her head that isn’t okay

“How’s your first day so far?” I asked Peridot while we made our way back to our dorm for lunch. My voice was hoarse. I didn’t want to talk but… I didn’t want to worry Peridot either. I cleared my throat hoping to solve the problem.

“It's actually pretty fun! Did you see how big their swimming pool is?! I didn’t know they had one! AND THE VENDING MACHINES HAVE COOL RANCH DORITO CHIPS!’” Peridot squealed. “My earth science teacher says I’m a HOOT! Which is funny because I’m not an owl- hey, do you- okay, are you okay? You look…?” Peridot stared at me.

_ Gross? Tired? Paranoid? All fit the bill for me. _

“Peridot, I think we need to talk,” I cracked. She’s already figured out something is up, so I can’t hide it anymore. “Right now.” My eyes kept shifting around. It’s like I’m expecting something or someone to pop out at us. Why now is it that these weird symptoms are worse? I was just tired before, and didn’t want to deal with the day, but now I’m talking to Peridot and I.. my body feels like it’s shutting off into pure panic mode. You know how when you’re in danger, your body’s senses heighten?

I couldn’t pay attention at all during my classes today. I am not looking forward to my other ones later. I didn’t even want to talk to anybody. I couldn’t say anything last night as all I wanted to do was scream into my pillow. I never left the knife that Jasper had given me alone. I think I’m growing paranoid. I have the knife under my shirt right now for crying out loud! Who the fuck carries a knife around on SCHOOL CAMPUS? At least it isn’t a gun. Holy shit, why am I even thinking about this… Jesus… those kind of jokes aren’t okay. I am not okay. Is anybody ever okay?

“Lapis?”

The ground was swaying beneath my feet. What if Jasper or somebody else finds me here again? Somebody I don’t want to find me? That’s a valid reason to have a knife on me! It’s self defense! What the hell did I even learn today? Keep a knife on me- imagine if I did have a knife on me before! Why didn’t I think of this earlier?! Steven and I would’ve-!

_ Do you want another Pearl incident? _

“Lapis?!”

I did my best to keep my eyes open. Am I breathing? I’m breathing. Good. Yet things look… blurry. What if I get tracked? I stumbled forward. I didn’t sleep last night. My classes basically were… was I in class today? I was… I just… don’t remember...

I could be getting tracked right now and not even know it. 

“Tell me what to do! I don’t know what to do-“ Peridot’s voice was faint.. 

Where are we right now? Should I just not have a phone at all?

_ Ground yourself. One… two… _

_ Two… _

_ Chuck your phone right now. They won’t be able to track you ever again. Chuck it. Chuck it. DO IT! Check it to make sure you’re still awake. _

_ Three... _

My head is spinning. This was just like my classes all over again but more intense. I was definitely experiencing something stronger.

_ They’re going to find me again. _

_ They’re going to take you away again.  _

_ You can’t always escape. Luck will run out. _

_ Your luck will run out. _

_ That’s the thing about life- all your consequences will catch up.  _

_ They will find you again. _

_ You’re trapped. _

If Jasper hadn’t decided to stop, would she have…?

I held my chest, imagining what could’ve happened. The same thing that could’ve happened to me like if  _ I  _ hadn’t been stopped from hurting Pearl. My mouth was caught in a bubbling mess of some mixed sobbing and shaking. My legs gave way. I was shaking so much that I couldn’t tell what way was up.

_ You burnt that farm. _

_ People are watching you. _

_ Actions have consequences. _

_ Actions have consequences. _

_ Actions have consequences... _

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


I’m guessing that Peridot took me to the nurse's office next before I knew it. Funny, since I didn’t take her as a strong person. She must’ve gotten help from someone else on campus. 

“Hold your arms above your head,” someone told me in my peripheral vision.

I had to stare at them in order to understand that it was the school nurse. I did as told. I remember when Rose would ask kids to do silly simple things when they were in similar situations.

Fuck, my head hurts… It’s rattling almost.

My eyes narrowed, attempting to see past the bright lights in the room. I was sweating. I put my hands down. Something cold was placed onto my forehead, alleviating the pressure there and cooling my overheating head. My body wasn’t shaking anymore.

_ I just shutdown… on campus. Hooray. _

It’s not like these things are new to me- I know exactly what they are yet I’m s

gullible enough to not ground myself and give way to believing the faux which ultimately brings me down.

“We found this on you,” the school nurse displayed Jasper’s sheathed knife on the table. “Just to be clear- you weren’t going to hurt anybody with it, right?”

“N-no,” I shook my head. “It’s… a kitchen knife I forgot to put away before class,” I lied. I kept the pack of ice on my forehead, taking deep breaths. “It wouldn’t hurt anybody.”

_ Ground yourself. _

_ You’re in a nurse’s office. You’re not being tracked. You’re not hurt. You’re not in danger. _

_ … That I know of. _

The nurse doubted my reply but she went on, “A student says you were having symptoms of a panic attack... Percy Scott? Do you know that name?”

_ Percy? Who the- _

_ Wait. Yeah, I know her... _

I chewed on my lip. “Yes.”

“Alright, I’m going to ask you to keep breathing in counts of ten. I’ll keep you here for a bit and get a hold of your parental gu-“

“No.” I interrupted. “No. Please… don’t.” I swallowed some phlegm in the back of my throat. “This is normal for me. I just… want to talk to Per- Percy.”

_ I swear to god, Peridot. Out of all other names… a Camp Pining Hearts reference… _

_ I can’t have this nurse contact Charlotte! If she was the one who enrolled me, she’s the one that would get called! _

The nurse hesitantly complied. “I’ll be writing this incident down in your student file for future reference. I have to confiscate this knife for now for the safety of you and other students, but I can return it at the end of the day to your dorm. I can allow visitors for up to ten minutes.”

“That’s fine.”

The nurse nodded, taking Jasper’s knife with her. She left the room, and Peridot took her place. She closed the door behind herself. Thank goodness for that since we would need some privacy to talk. “Are you okay?” Peridot worried.

“I’m fine.” I moved the ice over my face. I inhaled again. 

“You’re not fine! Lapis, I got worried-! You didn’t look good and then you suddenly fell down and you started shaking and…” Peridot held her hands close to herself. “What happened? What were you going to tell me? Should I go get Pumpkin? I heard that animals can help with these situations- it’s why Rose did equine therapy, right?”

“Peridot,” I wiped my eyes. “Listen for a second.” I need to tell her now before I’m unable to again later. She has to know.

_ Remember what happened last time when you didn’t tell Pearl about what was happening? _

_ Tell Peridot now. Or you’re just repeating yourself. _

“I am! I’m listening, and I’m  _ worried  _ about you!” Peridot frowned.

“Promise me you won’t freak out.” 

“Why?”

I slowly shook my head. “Jasper visited me last night.”

“JASPER IS… HERE-?” 

“Okay, stop. Don’t move. Stop it,” I scolded Peridot, who was beginning to slide back to the door. “And don’t scream.”

“BUT JASPER-“

“I know.”

“SHE-!”

“Peridot, screaming isn’t going to help. Listen to me. Do you trust me?”

Peridot took a second before she sat down in a chair.

“Jasper visited me. She texted me. And she… she talked with Charlotte. She isn’t here now though. Nobody is.”

Peridot’s facial expression told me plain as day she was confused. I don’t blame her. I have to explain this before I feel sick again.

“I’m… getting paranoid,” I said with honesty. “I’m… scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen-“

“What does that mean if she talked to Charlotte?”

“That’s how Jasper found out where we are, and… she gave me a knife that she never had on her before. I think something bad is happening or is going to happen to us. Again.”

“Okay, and… how do you- I mean, how do we- how are we going to take care of this?” Peridot asked me.

“I have no idea.” I took the ice pack off me. “I feel like something bad is going to happen and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about what if something bad happens again…”

“I- I’m sorry I don’t know what to do that can help you or make you feel better,” Peridot said. “That’s why I took you here because- I- I didn’t know what to do when you started…” She shook her hands. “I’m sorry. If I never attended therapy, you wouldn’t be here now-“

“It’s already happened,” I sighed. “You can’t change the past. It’s not your fault.”

“But the possibility in an alternate universe-!”

“You know that those don’t exist.”

Peridot’s mouth quivered. “I just… I’m so sorry…” Her eyes filled with tears. “I wish I could do something… You always know what to do when I feel bad! So when you’re the one that feels bad I don’t know what to do, and it makes me feel… useless.”

I got up from my seat, about to touch her before I paused. “Can I touch you?” I waited until I got a response. When it comes to emotional distress, I think it’s good to practice boundaries. I know I like to have my own space sometimes… people might not always want physical contact to reassure them. Once Peridot nodded, I gently hugged her. “Jasper isn’t coming for you. Don’t worry. But we need to figure out what’s going on. If it helps… hugs help me too.” I rested my chin on top of her head. “... I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I was scared.”

“I want a new life…”

“I know. Me too.” I let go of Peridot. “We’ll just… watch out for each other like we always did.”

“Lapis?”

“Hm?”

“When we… graduate, can we… get our own place? Far away from all this?” Peridot asked.

“Sure, with all the chickens you want.”

“Really?!”

“We can have a farm,” I shrugged. “A nice, small farm…”

_ Where nobody will get hurt again, and where we’ll finally be free from everything… _

“Do you want to hug again?” I asked, hugging Peridot again after she said yes. We’re both fucked up and been through shit. I think we need more moments like this.

_ … If only school didn’t start now, I would’ve just drove to Charlotte’s and taken care of this.  _

_ No more Diamonds. No more Charlotte. No more Jasper… _

_ And no more Steven or Pearl… _

_ Is this the world I really want? Is it even possible? _

I clutched onto Peridot. I still think it’s hilarious how I’ve… come to like her. As in, of course, her company. I don’t-. I don’t know. She’s just… we’re both hurt, yet she’s still optimistic sometimes and tries to be happy. Passionate, about the things she likes.... I wish I took after her more. Though, isn’t it good to have both a bad and good perspective of things to stay cautious?

_ I need to get that knife back. We’re still vulnerable. _

_ If anything happens to Peridot… it’s all my fault. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I have over 10 pages now front and back of important notes for this work... help me  
> Also is it just me who STILL gets anxiety and panic attacks mixed up and I’m someone who gets both? The only way I’ve come to remember which is which is anxiety builds up while panic is sudden. I also do my best to tag/cw/tw anything that’s triggering or considerably bad in a chapter so people go in aware of what’s about to happen or what’s in a chapter, but if I do ever miss something please let me know


	96. Week Fifteen - Jasper, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile, Jasper shares a conversation with Charlotte over the phone.
> 
> CW/TW; mentions of past abuse

“So you did it?”

“Sure did,” I answered.

“She’s gone. Where’s her body?”

“If I told you, then someone will know where it is,” I mumbled.

“I need to see the body if you want your reward.”

“Keep it, lady.” I leaned against the side of my truck. 

“Oh? You’re so generous!”

_ This lady sounds too happy to hear that. What the fuck’s with rich people? Why so happy to keep a bit of your disposable cash? You don’t need more of it, you could use with less of it and donate to charity to keep your public reputation in good hands while behind closed doors you show your true selves. _

“I’ll be sending both of my girls then to that school Lapis wanted to go to so bad. They can confirm the kill for me and leave me alone for two seconds… I’ve got the hardest life ever, I swear.” I heard something smash in the background. “GIRLS! QUIET!”

_ Holly would love her, goddamn! _

I stared at my window, wincing at the memory of her.

“Spoiled brats, both of them... I’m doing all the work here and I’m the one keeping us in power, yet they like to think that it means they can do whatever they want! It’s  _ my  _ money and I earned it! When the ship crashed by itself by pure luck, it just proves this is my destiny. I’ve never had this much money until I found out how I have to be. I’m this way because my childhood was rough…”

_ And she’s rambling again. Just like last time… _

_ Didn’t she mention last time we talked that some ship sank on purpose? How is it now an accident- alright, I don’t care. What a delusional lady. _

I waited for her to be done.

“You did a great service to me, whatever your name is. Jazz? It may seem messed up that I sent you to kill your friend for me, but my morals  _ are _ in the right place. My girls  _ need _ the money and so do I.” She hiccuped on the end of the line. “I’m drinking a toast to your victory- my victory, actually, since you’ve sealed a good future for me. Thank you.”

_ She’s drunk… Explains a lot. Do I really have to sit here and listen to this? This lady is insane. _

I decided that I had enough after a bit more nonsense. I’m keeping this phone by the way. I ended the call, scratching my head.

I’ve done some looking back ever since Lapis told me we were done.

Frankly I’m not a romantic type but did I try? Did I think we had something? When Lapis spoke to me and said what she said, it was like somebody had taken me out as a punching bag. She was all I had besides my sister, and she just ABANDONS me.

_ It’s that Diamond girl. She did all this. _

What does she have that I don’t?! Did it mean NOTHING when I would sacrifice a chance of getting in trouble just to go see Lapis?! The times we would watch the stars or smoke together, collect shells and throw rocks at cars?! I’m a victim too! Where the hell is  _ my _ pity party?!  _ My _ good life?! My mother was…-!

When that woman showed me that my sister had been relocated to a different household by CPS, I was furious. Furious because she made it to a good place without  _ me _ apparently in a home with a lady called Garnet, yet I’m still out here fighting for it. I’m glad she is in a better place, but FUCK! WHAT ABOUT ME?! What am  _ I _ supposed to do?!

I almost hit my truck. “Hmph. Back on the road then, huh?” I spoke to the inanimate object, fixing the side-view mirror to curb my anger.

_ That lady said she would be sending her daughters to that school Lapis is attending. I didn’t actually kill her, so if they see that she’s still alive… _

_ Hm… _

_ Lapis, you fucking prick. How is it you can dump me like that and still have me CARE about your ass? I never can and I couldn’t bring myself to kill you like originally planned. If it’s something I’m not, it’s a murderer with people not involved in my goals. _

I am not a softie and I am not a peacemonger. I’m tough because I need to be able to take the punches and roll with it, I’m not a dog that lies down and gives up. I know that lady I worked with too is involved with the Diamonds, or so to a degree. No way they would accept a ditzy klutz but maybe if they see how much she likes money. And as I know, Diamonds are powerful. They’re sly, because they know that's how they get rabbits into their fox traps. This lady must be just a piece on a chess board then. She’s crazy. She’s too talkative, she would rat out things if she was fully allied with the Diamonds. She’s getting played just like I am, but she sure doesn’t mind that she’s getting played as long as she sits on a trunk of gold like an ass of a dragon.

_ Your sister is safe, your girlfriend dumped you, what the hell are you going to do now? _

I’ll tell you what; I’m hoping to set things right or prove myself. I’m getting my own silver lining. Everybody else is getting one, so why can’t I?! Lapis doesn’t care about me- fuck her, but I still CARE and I hate that I care. I’m not supposed to be soft. She’s a siren and I can’t get rid of her song. She’ll see that I’m right soon enough with that Diamond girl and she’ll come back to me. If she doesn’t? Then she’s a fool. I gave up so much for this, I am not letting it go so easy. Either way, I’ll see her tactics, I’ll learn and observe from her, and it’s the last thing I’ll do to get my own place of stability. Lapis has a secret to it if she’s trusting a Diamond spawn and somehow has gotten to where she is now, satisfied enough to abandon me, to somehow obtain a perfect paradise.

...

I’m going back to that school. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’m dropping this handful of a few chapters now since I’ll be on and off thanks to college -sneezes in disgust- Ah, student debt


	97. Week Fifteen - Peridot, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis’ eighteenth birthday! Enjoy a slice of cake and sharing trauma! Wait... what. What are these kids doing now-
> 
> CW/TW: Mentions of past abuse, characters making fun/relating with their past trauma/abuse

“SHE WHAT?!” I almost dropped the cake. “Have you forgotten that Jasper tried to HUNT ME DOWN! I AM OFFICIALLY A GONER.”

“I can’t stop her once she has her mind on something. I can’t do anything,” Lapis reasoned.

“You can tell her these two letters. N and O!” I pouted. “Gimme the whole story! What’s going on! Isn't Jasper showing up also the reason you had a panic attack yesterday?! Lapis, it’s your birthday!!” I whined. I wanted today to be special!! And then Lapis came in saying that Jasper got in contact with her again by phone, and that things are happening! I’m so tired of running, running and crying, running, then walking, living in fear trope!!!

“She can’t live here. She’s not enrolled. I’ll make sure she doesn’t set foot in here for long,” Lapis said.

“Good!”

“Take your slice, and I’ll explain everything.”

I said something completely inaudible. I set the cake down on the kitchen counter away from Pumpkin. Then, I cut myself a slice. Poorly… oh no. Ohhh no… this is going bad. I’m distressed! That’s why this cutting cake action sucks!

Lapis arrived to help me, thankfully. She cut the cake for me, and put a piece on my awaiting plate. She got herself a slice too, already eating it. I sourly ate the corner of my cake piece. 

“... First, I just want to say I… respect your boundaries,” Lapis began. “We’re roommates, and… I think that’s what's important. Boundaries. So she’s not staying here.”

“Okay, good,” I said. “So she’s gonna be kicked out-“

“I didn’t say that.”

“Oh my gosh.” I dropped my fork on my plate.

“When Jasper texted me yesterday night I thought I’d get another… panic attack again, but she… I think she genuinely wants to help us. I know what she’s like-“

“She could be TRICKING you!” I growled.

“She said she was only coming here for a bit to make sure Charlotte isn’t after me. I don’t know what’s going on exactly, but if she wanted to kill me, she already would’ve when she came here two nights ago.” Lapis stopped eating her cake, and so did I. Pumpkin sat on the floor in front of us, begging.

“... How do you know she won’t jump on _me_ or something?” I raised a brow.

“Because I know how to handle her if she does. She’s all about brute strength. She doesn’t think before she acts.” Lapis paused. “... Kind of like me. I have her knife now though.”

“I’m starting to not trust you around knives…” I said.

“But can you trust me this once? I promise, if anything goes wrong-...” Lapis shook her head. “I’m just mad at myself for telling Jasper off. I told her I didn’t like her as in I don’t want a future with her… I also said I basically… used, her…”

“Used her?”

“You know how like…? God, okay…” Lapis pushed her plate away with a heavy sigh. “You know… that one time I… asked- tried to, I mean, sleep with you?”

I gagged.

“Yeah. That kind of… use.” Lapis looked away from me, ashamed. “But I’m changed now- or trying to, anyway. I think back on things like that and I… start to feel sick.”

“Okay… I can acknowledge that you acknowledge that was wrong,” I struggled to reply. 

“Good. Because I really want you to know that I… I am trying to change. Things like that; drugs, sex, alcohol… it doesn’t make the problem go away. It only gets worse. I was stupid.”

“... We really need therapy,” I blurted.

Lapis burst into a laugh. “Yeah. We do.”

“We do?”

“I had Rose, but she was always busy with her clients and I always dismissed things when she asked me if I was okay. After all the shit we’ve been through, yeah, we could use a therapist,” Lapis snorted. “I could finally use some help.”

I stared at her. Then I began laughing too. “And-! And I need a therapist, because sometimes, I still cry at night wondering if my mom is gonna find me!”

“I used to cry myself to sleep sometimes.” Lapis added. “Did you have intrusive thoughts?”

“OH MY STARS, yeah!”

“When I cried, I did it quietly. I did so much stupid shit in my life because I didn’t want to confront my problems.”

“I cried when I woke up from a nightmare once. It was about my mom because she raised me in a household surrounded by toxicity so I’m very afraid of actually being myself without reassurance and positivity!”

We gradually stopped laughing, coming to an awkward silence.

Pumpkin let out a small whine, still wanting our cake slices.

“... Holy shit, we need therapy,” I murmured at last, my eyes wide.

“... We need therapy,” Lapis agreed, her facial expression flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I personally haven’t had any good luck with all the past therapists I’ve been to but hey- art, music, and writing can be a good therapy activity in the meantime


	98. Week Fifteen - Peridot, Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper finally drops by again. Peridot isn’t too pleased.  
> Especially when she finds out Jasper isn’t alone.

Lapis and I had a great time yesterday on her birthday if you don’t count her bringing up Jasper and us having to talk about Jasper heading our way as per the text Lapis had received. After we had discussed therapy, played some more Life is Strange, and also ate some cake, we sat down to watch some theory videos about the game that we were invested in and relax. We laughed some more, we talked to each other about things we were scared of or things that happened to us… Lapis seemed a lot better than she was yesterday, so I was fine too.

I’m used to her alarm going off in the morning since that’s what she had going on during our driving trip, and it’s helped me develop a schedule of my own in the morning in time for classes. I’m never late, I’m always on time, I got a planner for my classes to keep track of my work or homework which is AWESOME. I wanna get some stickers to decorate the front with. In the meantime, I took a sharpie and drew on some alien faces surrounded by stars. Kinda sloppy stars, but… I like it.

Classes… HAH! I’ve forgotten what school can be like! This place hardly even seems like any of the schools I’ve been to- it’s so… welcoming and diverse, it’s not like all people from one group only or full of people who don’t like me because I pick up frogs during recess and name them! Lapis said after graduation we could look into getting our own place. Somehow… some… time… We need jobs. Sure Lapis has financial stability of her own, but… what if that runs out? How are we supposed to pay for anything then? Is Lapis even filing her taxes? Does she have to file taxes if she was _given_ the money?! Are we committing tax fraud?! Oh no… I need to look this up later. We could go to JAIL. CAN LAPIS LEGALLY SIGN ME OUT OF JAIL NOW? Or is that like… I don’t know how the jail system works.

“Oh! Oh! You used to paint- you can sell paintings! Online!” I suggested to Lapis during lunch. We chose a bench to sit on that was located in the quad, eating some sandwiches that we had bought from the cafeteria. School so far was… flowing much more smoothly than I initially imagined. I don’t know how our conversation suddenly became fixated around jobs and selling things- but I’m guessing it sprung up from me talking about fanart and fan theories about Camp Pining Hearts and Life is Strange.

“I’d have to get paint and canvases,” Lapis mentioned.

“We can go shopping this weekend!” I grinned.

“We could…” Lapis thought about it. I can tell because when she thinks, she does this thing with her mouth like she’s chewing on her bottom lip, except she isn’t. She just wiggles her lip a little, and shifts her mouth to one side. “We also need to ask about school counseling.”

“Oh. Is it for the therapy thing?” I asked. “Can I bring Pumpkin to my meetings?”

“If you ask them, maybe,” Lapis said. “It’s not an official therapist, but it’s somewhere.”

I took a bite of my sandwich, then slowly sipped on my soda. “Do therapists actually help?”

“You had Rose, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but- I feel like sometimes she treated me like an infant. I liked the chickens more…”

“She treats everyone like a baby. She’s too coddling.” Lapis paused. “ _Was_ too coddling. But I always knew I could trust her… yet I didn’t want to open up to her about anything. I was... scared. I mostly didn’t want to bother her.” She set her sandwich down, leaning back on the bench and basking in the sunlight. Her voice eventually grew back in proper tone after she had trailed off, changing the topic back to the initial theme. “It’s mostly about finding the right therapist. If they aren’t helping you, move on. If you don’t feel comfortable, move on. You just gotta keep trying.”

“What if I don’t find a good therapist?” I proposed. “I mean- I don’t think I’m… damaged, enough to get one. Like… other people have been through more than I have and they need the help more than I do…”

“Don’t say that. You have a right to be upset. Trauma can happen to people for all kinds of reasons. I’m scared of swimming and large bodies of water because of a ship accident. It doesn’t matter if someone has it worse than you, this isn’t some depression olympics,” Lapis assured me. “I wish I knew that sooner.”

“There’s an olympics for depression?”

Lapis lightly laughed. “No, it’s a figure of speech.”

“Oh.” I scratched my head. I dislike when I overlooked such metaphors and terms of words. It seems so simple, so how is it that I seem to overgrasp the concept to the point I overlook it and don’t understand it? I clicked my nails against the bench. I absorb information when I _want_ to, the same as I do with words and metaphors, but once I get a metaphor down, I’m good to go for the most part. There’s just… so much to remember and decipher! I don’t know how to put words to my feelings!

“Maybe we can find a therapist together,” Lapis told me. She placed a hand on my shoulder for a second before she pulled away very quickly. That was weird…

“How come you did that?” I called her out on it, rubbing where she had touched me.

Lapis inhaled sharply past her teeth. “Boundaries.”

“I’m okay with you putting your hand on my shoulder,” I informed her. “And like on my head or my back-“

“It’s just good to practice it.”

“Yeah, but-! Lapis, I’m _okay_ with you touching my shoulder. You don’t have to ask unless I’m like severely distressed.” I started thinking. I thought, and I thought some more, almost dropping my sandwich. “What if we have something like an object that shows if we’re in the mood for physical contact or not? A double sided bracelet, for example, one side that is green and the other side red?”

“I think those actually exist.”

“Great! Let’s get those!” I puffed out my chest. “That way, you don’t have to be so unsure and we can show each other without saying anything if we’re accepting physical contact or not!” Isn’t this great?! We’re getting along! We’re true buddies! I’m not having any bad thoughts or feel inferior and life is going great!

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


I wish I could always say that life was going great… Later that same day after our classes, we had… a guest.

I am going to SCREAM.

“I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR HER,” I announced, picking up Pumpkin and heading to my room. 

“Fine by me,” Lapis said, going to answer the door. I stood in the doorway of my room, watching from a safe distance. I just want to make sure she’s okay and doesn’t get pummeled or rounded up to the police or-.

I started to slowly inch closer and closer, curiosity getting the best of me. 

_I don’t understand how Lapis can trust Jasper so easily after what had happened… Is it because they were together prior to this? Wow, relationships are confusing…_

I held my breath as Lapis opened the door. Pumpkin started barking, so I had to try and hush her by putting her in my room for now. Plus it’s safe for her there! I just hope she doesn’t pee on my bed or my floor- not that she has before, I’m just worried if she’ll be scared enough to do that.

“What are they doing here?” I heard Lapis say. I quickly ran forward back to her, quite antsy and unable to sit still. I had to keep moving my legs in order to stay put.

“I told you through the text-“ That was Jasper.

“I didn’t think you were serious.”

“Well now they know you're alive-“

“Yeah. I am.”

There was a brief pause.

I scooted over to one side to see past Lapis, my skin going pale at the sight of Jasper. Can I even go any paler? I’m already pale- so would I just go paler? Am I a vampire? 

“Wait, but mom said you were-“ Who the heck is that?

“OH MY GOSH!! YOU’RE ALIVE!!” Who is that-

“Mom said she sent this girl after you. How are you still alive?”

“Sheer determination,” Lapis monotoned. “What the hell is Charlotte’s deal?”

“What are we supposed to tell mom?!” WHO ARE THESE GIRLS?! They sound familiar, but…

I decided to back out of this one. Maybe this is Lapis’ to take care of… I turned around, beginning to return to my room. Pumpkin was going bonkers barking in there.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“What happened?” I immediately asked Lapis when she entered my room as it started getting dark. I had decided to camp in my room with my phone and Pumpkin, occupying myself in the meantime.

“So… we might have to let three people stay for a bit,” Lapis told me.

“WH-“

“Listen to what I have to say before anything,” Lapis pleaded. “I know you don’t like this and I know you have your boundaries, but…”

I made a face, setting my phone down.

“Long story short; I think those two are my actual blood relatives. Sisters. We have the same birthmark-“

“You have a birthmark?” I choked on my spit.

“I’m not showing you.”

“Aww.”

“Maybe later. But right now, this is… complicated.”

I slumped my posture. “Okay… I’m listening…”

“Jasper agrees not to hurt you or me. She also says she’ll be out of here as soon as she can figure out where to go next. Mary and Nancy on the other hand- my sisters… I don’t think they were in a stable household.”

“What do you mean?” I peeped.

“Mary mentioned that Charlotte, our birth mother apparently, is sometimes unstable. She throws things, yells, belittles them… I thought they were just spoiled brats before but now I’m thinking maybe they’re someone else. I didn’t even know Charlotte was like that. She wasn’t like that when I was there.”

I scratched my neck, looking away. “People can pretend to be nice people for publicity but behind closed doors they’re monsters,” I said, remembering my own mom. My mother would act so fancy and proper and perfectly balanced when we were around other people, but then at home she would become… someone else. She became someone who hated when I moved my hands or got super interested in something-...

Lapis nodded. “Yeah. I guess they can.” She sighed. “I was blind. I knew I had a feeling about her but-“

“Is that all?” I interrupted. “Regarding what happened, is what I mean. So what’s the deal? Jasper stays here, your sisters stay here- you know, that’s cool that you have sisters. I wish I had siblings but I’d also hate having to fight them and them calling me names- Hey, isn’t that weird though? Now you have siblings like when you had Steven, and it’s like we’re our own horse therapy group again!”

Lapis didn’t smile.

I nervously chuckled, then stopped. 

_I was just trying to help…_

“Jasper’s going to sleep on the couch. Mary and Nancy…” Lapis continued.

“You’re gonna ask if they can have my bed, are you?” I guessed.

Lapis awkwardly grinned. “Ehhh…”

“Then where do I go?”

“Well- you can either sleep with me, or I can give up my bed and-“ Lapis caught my facial expression with an embarrassed flush of her cheeks. “I don’t mean it like- all I’m saying is we can share, side by side, a bed, with a space between us-“

I stared at her, my mouth sourly scrunched up.

Lapis cleared her throat. “I am not going to make out with you. That’s pretty straightforward. It’s just a bed.”

I burst into laughter. “That sounds like line seven of _Roommate Troubles_ by _PierreFan840_ ,” I wheezed.

“I did not read any fanfiction recently-“

“Is Pumpkin our adopted child?” I continued joking.

“Peridot, do you want to sleep somewhere or not.”

“Okay! Okay, okay, okay-“ I gradually stopped laughing. “Um… I’d rather keep my bed, so…”

“Okay, great. Let me get my stuff,” Lapis said. She left my room, Pumpkin at her heels following her.

Three more people in this dorm… WHY? We are gonna be so cramped and just imagine how much food we would need-! Oh I hope Lapis knows what she’s doing…

I decided to get into my pajamas and brush my teeth in the meantime as Lapis brought over some of her clothes, avoiding the living room where Jasper was for now until I’m _positive_ for certain I won’t get spooked by her. Pumpkin hopped up onto my bed when I returned, already set to rest. 

“Who’s the fluffiest potato around?” I cooed, petting her ears. “Fluffy little potato-schmato-wamo…”

“Are you talking to Pumpkin?” Lapis suddenly asked me.

“AH! I AM NOT!” I acted innocent, hands behind my back.

“Mary and Nancy seem cool with my bed. So… here’s some of my shit, I don’t know how Charlotte is going to react if they don’t go back home…” She put her clothes down in my closet for now. 

“Maybe we can send Pumpkin on her,” I suggested.

“If she was a bigger dog, sure,” Lapis sarcastically replied. She looked at my bed. “What we can do is move a pillow to the middle… like a barrier or something…”

I did as she said, tossing one of the pillows on my bed into the middle. “Nyeh.”

“Neat.” Lapis sat down on one side of the bed, petting Pumpkin when the tiny dog ran over to her.

“Pumpkin can go in the middle too,” I blurted. “She might like it there and she won’t get smooshed.”

“Alright.” Lapis already was getting comfortable. 

I huffed before I followed suit, taking up the other side of the bed. I kept glancing back at Lapis, my chest beating fast. Why is it doing this? Why do I feel so awkward? I forced myself to lay down once Lapis turned the lamp beside my bed off, almost forgetting I still had glasses on my face.

_Why is this so awkward…_

_THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT FANFICTION._

“You asleep yet?” Lapis spoke up.

“Uh- no?” I answered.

“I just… want to say thanks for sticking with me through all this.”

“Oh.”

“Even if sometimes it’s probably not what you’d want or…”

“Um… you’re welcome?” Is that how I should respond?

“I just want to say you’re a good friend,” Lapis finished. “I mean it. Thank you.”

I swear, I’m going to explode if this is how my week is going to be.

_Why do I feel so… weird?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Also just a wee note that any ableist or ___phobic comments will be automatically deleted. I’ve been receiving some... rather interesting comments primarily by guests using fake emails(that I hope are just trolls otherwise I am concerned), which I will not tolerate at all. I apologize for anybody who has seen said comments before I managed to catch and delete them. I read every comment even if I don’t reply.  
> I’ll also be glad to help anybody if they have any questions about autism or other things being autistic myself(since some people were asking me if they could get more info about stimming, why autism speaks is bad, etc.), but I do not tolerate the ableism. This is a place where people can come learn, read a story, vent, relate, etc. So if I catch you being say homophobic or a jerk in the comments, I’m dropping the boot on ya


	99. Week Fifteen - Lapis, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis focuses on some other people for the moment, stressed and unable to relax with three new additions to the dorm.
> 
> CW/TW; themes/topics of mourning, grief, depression, slight suicidal thoughts, talk about past abuse, discussion about mental health/state of mental health

“What are we supposed to do while you’re in class?” Nancy asked as I grabbed my sweater. “Where’s the servants?”

“There are no servants,” I told her firmly.

“Then who makes your food?” Mary stuck out her bottom lip.

“We do,” I said. “ _I_ do.”

“What?!”

“You make your food?!” Nancy gagged.

“Well, yeah. Why don’t you?” I challenged. “If you’re hungry, you find or make your own food. Otherwise, you’ll starve.”

“Um- Lapis-“ Peridot whispered to me, waiting by the door all set to go. “You said they came from that rich place, right?”

“Yeah. Why?” I muttered, failing to see the link. I told Peridot a bit more about Mary and Nancy this morning because I _know_ that they’re going to be a nuisance. I hoped it’d help her understand, but… how ironic is it that I’m the one not understanding something here? What is Peridot trying to tell me?

“They had everything given to them, they didn’t have to work at all,” Peridot replied. “They don’t know how to make their own food…”

I understood now. Great… right, since they had all those servants and their every wish granted on a silver platter… I was ready to start pulling my hair out but luckily Jasper is helpful even after what had happened _that_ certain night. We talked a bit yesterday. Although… I’m sure we have a long way to go before we can make official amends after all I said to her. After all _we_ did.

“If there’s crap in the cupboards, I’ll make them something,” Jasper spoke up. “Don’t worry about it.”

“... Thanks.” I headed out the door with Peridot, ready to start classes for the day. At least it’d be the weekend… Ugh, I’m so ready to sleep in for five hours. This is going to be a long weekend…

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Supposedly, today we are picking our instruments in music class after spending the first week exploring different instruments. It’s like a band I guess. I was half asleep like my other classes, bored and unable to stay awake too, but when it came to my turn to choose an instrument to borrow from the school I couldn’t decide.

Tuba and saxophone doesn’t suit me or my interest. So that’s an easy no-go.

Trumpet… no.

Percussion can be fun…

Woodwinds… maybe… flute or piccolo look fun.

Clarinet… maybe.

It just… didn’t seem to be _me_ though. No instrument truly called out to me, nor did anything capture my interest immediately. Maybe Peridot has been right. Maybe I need to stop being a wuss and explore my voice some more. Something that I could play and also sing, like a piano or guitar.

But if I had a piano, I can’t bring it everywhere. A guitar is more mobile. I can bring it wherever, practice in my dorm room too.

I think I’ve made my choice.

I asked to be transferred to a guitar class instead of a cliche band class, and I had to adjust my class schedule so it’d work.

Only problem is… now this means I’m in a theatre class. With Jamie. 

Fun.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Oh I’m so tired… hey, do you think they know how to take care of a dog?” Peridot asked me as we headed back to our dorm. “Do you think Jasper did something awful to Pumpkin?! I couldn’t stop thinking about if she was missing me!”

“Pumpkin’s fine,” I confidently said. “She’s a strong dog.”

“And Jasper is a strong person!”

“Idiotic person, actually,” I corrected her.

Peridot gave a light laugh. “Yeah, I guess that’s true…”

“If it helps,” I added, “Jasper had two dogs of her own before. She’s a jerk sometimes, but she’d never hurt a dog.” And I know that as a fact. We fought and we sometimes got messy, but… if it was anything I _know_ about Jasper, it’s that she would _never_ hurt a dog.

I unlocked the door using our dorm key once we got there. The dorm luckily wasn’t trashed. I guess that’s great. Jasper was on the couch with Pumpkin while… I swear, if they’re fighting over something dumb again I’m going to stab myself.

“Pasta! Really? That’s worse than peanut butter jelly!”

“Peanut butter is _sticky_ , Nancy.”

“At least it’s faster to make!” Nancy was head to head with her sister. _My…_ no, I haven’t exactly gotten comfortable with being referred to as a full blood relative of theirs. I’m still… iffy. Just- look at them. I didn’t even know they existed until now! Even if they tell me that Charlotte… It’s just complicated. Having a relative changes everything for me. They’re definitely not like Steven either.

“Quit it,” I intervened. “What’s this about?”

“Nancy thinks that pasta is better than-“ 

“It is! I’m not eating anything to do with peanut butter sandwiches!” Nancy hissed.

_Really? Food again?_

I put my foot down. “Both of you. Shut it,” I demanded. “This is fucking ridiculous. Have you been fighting ALL day?!”

“It’s entertaining,” Jasper said from the couch. I frowned at her. Pumpkin jumped down to greet Peridot, who went to her room. I don’t blame her for wanting to get out of here.

“I get that this is new for you,” I told Nancy and Mary both, “but you need to learn to adjust and get with it. You need to learn to fend for yourselves.”

“Fend for ourselves?!” Nancy gasped. 

“Why can’t we just get new-?” Mary started.

“Because we are on our own,” I answered before she could continue. “And out here, you survive on your _own_. If you can’t make your own food, or get a job, or make your own money, then you just die.”

“We’re going to DIE?!” Nancy panicked.

“No-! I mean that-!” I tried to explain.

Jasper got up from the couch. “She’s saying you two need to stop being spoiled and realize you need to learn to take care of yourselves,” she grunted, getting a glass of water.

Nancy and Mary raised a brow at her.

I hate to admit it, but Jasper was right. “... Yeah. What she said,” I muttered. “Listen. I understand you both grew up having everything given to you. But this is the real world. And here, things aren’t always given to you. Sometimes, they’re even taken away from you.”

_Just like how it can take away the people you love._

“So… what are we supposed to do?” Mary scoffed. “Get a job?”

I shook my head. “It’s going to be a while before any of you can do that. So instead, just… try and learn that you’ll have to depend on yourself when nobody else is there for you.”

“Charlotte was always there for us,” Nancy said.

“Even when she’d throw things or yell at you?” I mentioned.

Nancy immediately fell silent.

“What was she like?” I prodded. “What was she _actually_ like before I was there?”

Mary looked at Nancy nervously. “... Do you really want to know?”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“She likes taking credit for things she didn’t even do just to seem better,” Mary told me. 

“Once she said that she stole her money from someone then she went on a rant saying we need to work as hard as she does and that she deserved her money,” Nancy laid her head in her palm.

“Yeah, and then literally the next day she said she _worked_ for her money,” Mary contributed. “It’s confusing? I don’t really know what’s true or not… Then she started saying she sunk a ship, then took it back and said it was a gift from the world that it sank on its own.”

“Ship… like a cruise ship?” I questioned, sitting around the coffee table in the living room. Peridot was still in her room with Pumpkin, and I let Jasper borrow a few things for a shower while I discussed with Mary and Nancy after I made a quick dinner for everyone with some help from Peridot. I left the window open so that the cool night air could serve as cheap air conditioning.

“I guess,” Mary shrugged. “I saw her try to cook wax once.”

“Remember when she cut all the hedges in the garden herself because she said that the servants could never do it correctly?” Nancy brought up. “She spent _hours_ out there only to pull up every single bush after! It was so funny!!”

I blinked. “How… is this the same lady as the one that…-?”

“It was all a ploy,” Nancy hummed. “Her acting nice isn’t real. That’s why we were so surprised to see you _alive!”_

“So she wants whatever money _I_ have, and has no idea what she’s saying. Got it,” I summarized.

“She’s ambitious,” Mary commented. “Always was…”

“What about me? Did she ever say anything about me before?” I asked.

Both of them shook their heads.

“We didn’t even know you exist until now,” Mary said. “Mom doesn’t like to…” she fell quiet. “Not even our dad wanted to stick around.”

“What do you mean? I saw him at the mansion sometimes-“

“That wasn’t him,” Nancy sighed. “... Never was…”

_What?_ I stared, shocked. “But that man-“

“That isn’t our actual father,” Mary interrupted. “Our father is some other rich man. One who actually… has a heart. He left when he figured out how crazy mom is.”

“I wish he took us with him,” Nancy mourned. “I heard he’s in California or New York now.”

_Do I… have a dad…?_

I had a surge of hope in my chest. “So then who’s the guy in the mansion that Charlotte said…?” I pondered.

“That’s some new boyfriend of hers,” Mary explained. “With every new one she gets, she has us refer to him as dad and she calls them her husband.” She snorted, laughing in a way much like my own laugh. It’s rather… terrifying. “No wonder her boyfriends run off on her a lot. I’d get out of there too if I were them.”

_So if that isn’t actually their father…_

“I… have a dad?” I spoke up, my voice partially parched with shock. Am I getting my hopes up too high?

“Um…” Nancy awkwardly looked at Mary.

Mary inhaled sharply. “... I mean, it might not be the same dad as our dad.”

“What do you mean?” I requested.

“Mom never really got married…” Nancy filled me in, “she's always dating someone new. So your dad most likely isn’t even the same dad as like, our dad.”

_So Charlotte fools around a lot. Now I see where I get it from. I mean… if you consider how many people I’ve dated… It’s like I’m Charlotte too._

_… No. I won’t be like her._

_If anything, I’d rather be like my adopted families; kind, caring, always there if you need them… It’s going to be hard though when I’ve already fucked up so much. I pushed people away and used people… I hid things from people…_

_I’m not like anybody I want to be._

_I’m… me. That’s why I hate myself the most._

I’m a bit more confused than I originally was with this whole situation, not going to lie. I feel like more answers just leads to more questions. Is that how it always is? 

Is that how it’s always going to be?

_I’m never going to fully understand anything or solve anything. I just get in further pits._

I decided that the conversation was over.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Once everyone was asleep, I found myself still wide awake and unable to rest. It was dark in the room, Peridot was out, Pumpkin was snoring… I decided to step out of the room for a breather. Maybe some pacing would exhaust me.

_What have I become…?_

_Who am I?_

_What am I?_

_If I’m truly the half-sister to those two… fuck, I don’t even know my dad. My birth mom is insane, both my adopted families are gone…_

_Everybody I know goes away in the end. Nothing lasts. Nothing sticks._

_… What if I’m destined to be alone?_

_What if I wasn’t even meant to be here? Then why did I survive that stupid ship crash?! Why ME?!_

I’m afraid of myself, and I’m so… ashamed of what I’ve become. I know that humanity is about aspiring to be good and learning from the mistakes you make, but… I failed everyone. I couldn’t even be there for Steven, and I couldn’t save my parents- the Florences and the Universes both. I know I was just a KID, but I feel so much guilt over it. 

I could’ve been a good person. Someone _better_. And I wasn’t. I would realize I’ve done something wrong, feel immense culpability, make myself a victim, then repeat. At least, that’s what I feel like it feels like. 

Am I ever actually learning anything?

I _know_ what I did was wrong back when I tried to…

I didn’t respect boundaries. I didn’t take into consideration other people. I was selfish. I was reserved, quiet, and kept to myself. I didn’t get help. I only got worse slowly and slowly, like an apple rotting out. That was my defense mechanism so that I’d never get hurt again- never _lose_ someone again. I was… _afraid_ to be alone again, to lose someone again, to mourn again.

But I can’t keep running… I can’t keep mourning...

“Fuck- Lapis, you scared the crap out of me,” Jasper said, startled, from the couch. I forgot she was there honestly. Rookie mistake. This happens when I become too fixated on my emotions and not enough of my surroundings.

I slowly blinked. I used the moonlight shining in from the window to see where I was going in order to turn on the kitchen light.

Jasper stared at me, letting her eyes adjust before she sat up. “Your shadow is terrifying.”

“At least my shadow knows what it is,” I joked without any emotion in my voice. “What do you want?”

“You woke me up. That’s all,” Jasper murmured.

“If you _just woke up_ , how did my shadow wake you up? Or is it coincidence?”

“... So I was still awake. So what?” Jasper admitted.

I sighed. “That makes two of us…” I awkwardly said. “Um… do you… need anything? Water, food…”

“No.” Jasper rolled over, lying back down.

_So that’s that._

“I’m… going outside for a bit,” I spoke up. “So… I’ll be back in after some fresh air.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“Jasper, no-“ It was too late. 

Jasper had abandoned her setup on the couch, and she came over to stand by me. She crossed her arms, waiting. “Are we going?”

I groaned. “Why are you doing this?” I interrogated. “I broke up with you. I _admitted_ to having practically _used_ you as some kind of…!”

“Stress relief? Yeah. I know.” Jasper turned her head away from me. “... Don't we all…”

“So then why do you want to be anywhere around me?” I angrily said.

“... I don’t know,” Jasper shrugged.

My face straightened out. “... You’re fucking weird.”

“Says the girl who- … You dyed your hair again.” Jasper reached out, touching the blue strip in my hair.

“Hey-! Stop it,” I growled, slapping her hand away from me. “Yeah. I dyed my hair. Big deal.”

“You never dyed your hair again after-”

“I know. Shut up.” I already headed for the front door, taking my key with me.

_Why the fuck does she-. God, why? WHY. Jasper, you’re so-! So-!_

People are mysteries. Some I guess of which will never be figured out. Just like emotions… 

_I want to run from my past but running does nothing. It never did. It just prolonged the inevitable. Besides, how can I run from the past when the past never ends? Today will become yesterday. This week will become last week…_

_I can’t hide who I am. I can’t stop what will happen, unless I want to change what_ can _happen. The past never ends. This will all be in the past soon enough._

_All I can do is affect my now… my future… what_ can _become my past._

I locked the door once Jasper was out with me. I led the way, heading down to the outer rim of the campus. There were a few trees and some potted flowers, as well as the pathway leading to a round seating area. I’ve seen some kids use this as a place to do homework. I know Peridot found this place too, since she once complained about how it’s usually crowded. I can see why. It’s got good shade in the day, a good view of the campus, a vending machine and the bathrooms just around the corner…

_This school is like heaven._

“What’s this?” Jasper huffed, looking around.

“Shh. People are _sleeping_ ,” I told her. “This is just some place to relax.” I sat down on the side of the bench, watching Jasper closely. “You can always go back to the dorm and I don’t know, sleep?”

“How was your talk with _them?”_ Jasper leaned in a little bit, sitting next to me and taking up more space than I did.

“Who?”

Jasper laughed. “You know who.”

“It’s private between me and my half-sisters,” I defended.

“Half? Sisters?”

“Yeah. Don’t have wax in your ears.”

Jasper laughed a bit more. “I don’t. So, they weren’t kidding when they said they were your sister.”

“Why does it matter to you?” I spat. “You’re the same person Charlotte hired to _kill_ me, remember?”

“But I didn’t,” Jasper sassed.

“I’m going to shove my fist up your-“

“I didn’t kill you because I still…” Jasper trailed off, tucking her long hair back behind her ear. “I still care about you, even if you’re an asshole. All I got out of this is a free phone.” 

“Why are you still here? There’s no purpose for you.”

“Exactly. Which is _why_ I’m here. I want to know how you’re so… how do you do it?” Jasper faced me. “How are you satisfied where you are now?”

“I’m not,” I gave an honest reply.

“Then, perhaps I can make you happy-“

“My happiness shouldn’t be your responsibility,” I choked out. “It shouldn’t! It shouldn’t be _anybody’s_ responsibility to keep me happy. I shouldn’t _use_ people to be _temporarily_ happy. I’m just… having trouble keeping myself happy.” I hugged myself, one of my hands caressing the skin of my elbow. “... I still have nightmares about… Steven.” I stared at the ground. “Rose…”

_And I still sometimes swear I can hear Rose’s voice or Steven yelling my name…_

_I thought I finally let go of Rose. So why am I still…? It wasn’t even-... It’s been happening_ recently _after I thought I finally stopped mourning her… I think I’m stressed._

“Truth is, I look like I have my shit together, but I don’t,” I concluded. 

“Then how do you find purpose when all the rest is out of the picture?” Jasper popped another question on me. “How do you keep going?”

“I don’t know. I don’t. I honestly… don’t know,” I coldly turned my shoulder to her. “I don’t know why you’re asking me-“

“Because you found a new purpose to keep going,” Jasper interrupted. “I have nothing. I have absolutely _nothing_ out here, or anything to go back to. I don’t know what purpose I have anymore.”

“Well… You can’t make someone else your purpose in life. You have to… find your purpose,” I suggested with uncertainty. 

“That contradicts your situation. You kept that Diamond scrap, and now you’re all over her.”

“That isn’t true- What the fuck?” I got defensive. “I’m just Peridot’s roommate.”

“By the looks of it, maybe even more,” Jasper accused.

“Okay. I’m done playing therapist. When will you _leave_?” I stood up. “You’re annoying me.”

Jasper pursed her lip. “I know you, Lapis.”

“You don’t know me at all. You hardly know me.” 

“I know you better than anybody else. So when I say that I know you’re growing close to someone else, I _know_ it.” Jasper cracked her knuckles. “You be careful.”

“I’m not doing this right now. I’m not going to fight you.”

“I don’t _want_ to fight you.”

“I’m not anything with Peridot, and I don’t care if I’m here, or there, or anywhere. All I care about anymore is waiting for the morning sun,” I gritted my teeth.

“Why? Why that specifically? That’s an odd purpose in life,” Jasper judged.

“I just…” I began to give up on this conversation, fed up. “... It’s all I have to look forward to. Okay? I don’t know what to do right now. I’ve got Peridot, but… eventually I’ll be back to worrying about Steven and where he is… or what even I am. Or who I am.” I clutched my hand close to my chest. “... I’ve caused so much pain to other people. My childhood wasn’t great. I’ve lost so many people. I’m finding out things I don’t like that are true, or if they’re even true. I don’t feel joy with most things anymore. I feel like a walking corpse. It’s only just recently these feelings feel more… intense. I’m… I’m confused, I’m scared, I don’t know what I’m doing… what if I’m going to hurt somebody else? What if I find out more lies or truths-... Fuck.” I wiped my eyes, droplets of tears forming in them. “... I hate growing up. I don’t want to grow up. I want my old life back. I don’t want this life- I don’t… I don’t want this life… I don’t want to be _me.”_ I started breaking down, my body trembling as tears streamed down my face. “... Truth be told-! I-!... I don’t want to die. I’m not going to kill myself. I just… wish I could’ve chosen if I wanted to be born or not instead of _put_ here. Had I known life would be this painful… Had I known so many people would be TAKEN from me-?!”

“Would you rather live a goody two-shoes sappy spoiled life like those brats you call your sisters, or would you rather have the life where it’s up and down and you get the whole realistic experience?” Jasper proposed. “If you ask me, I would rather have the hard life with my sister in my life than none at all.”

“At least Mary and Nancy don’t know what pain is-“

“And that’s the thing. Do you want to stay sheltered? Do you want to _break_ at the first thing that goes wrong in your life? You need to build up an immunity, and you need to get used to it sooner than later,” Jasper said. “You need to get _tough_. Put your tar-head sisters in the wild- how long do you think they’ll last?”

I wiped my face despite feeling disgusting. “Since when did _you_ become the therapist?”

“I learned to get tough otherwise I wouldn’t have made it,” Jasper reasoned.

“So we have to _suffer_? Is that what you’re saying? That’s sick.”

“No, just know that life isn’t sunshine and rainbows,” Jasper said. “This isn’t a fairytale and this isn’t happily ever after. This is life, the evergoing cycle.” She scratched her head, her brow furrowing in thought. Then, she slowly stood up in front of me. “... I think you’re right. I need to find my purpose.” She gave me a look, one that I couldn’t tell the emotion of.

“... You know, what you said about life… you remind me of myself,” I commented.

“I learn from the best,” Jasper shrugged. “I pick up on crap.” She began to walk off.

My breath caught in my throat. “Wait- Jasper! Where are you-?”

“My purpose isn’t here. So, I’m going elsewhere,” Jasper told me. “I thought I’d find it here by asking you where to start or how I’d even begin. But a frivolous task like that is only wasting my time. I have to _find_ my purpose.”

“So you’re just going to leave?”

“Why are you upset? _You’re_ the one that dumped me. I said I would only stay for a bit then I’d get out of your hair. _You_ were the one that wanted me gone, and I obediently complied,” Jasper called me out. 

“I just didn’t think it’d be like this,” I used my shirt to wipe my face. 

“You have that Diamond girl.”

“... But I still have memories with you.” I slouched a little. “I acted stupid and I said stupid things. Jasper… I know I said what I said, but… I did care about you. I still do.”

Jasper bothered to hear me out.

“I mean it, I enjoyed some parts of the time we had together. I know I used you as some kind of stress reliever to get my mind off things, but I...” My words were getting lost from my vocabulary. “... Good luck. On your journey, I mean.”

“... Thanks,” Jasper huffed.

“I hope you can find something better, and… that you’ll be okay,” I hoped. “If- really, if you need to stop by again or-“

“And wallow in my own self pity? Disgusting,” Jasper put her hands on her hips. “I’ve seen you wallow in self pity and somehow get farther than me, but I’m not going to stoop that low. I’m going to actually _do something_ and stop playing victim.”

“Is that meant to demonize me?” I asked, unamused.

Jasper chuckled. “I’m just saying stop being so obsessed with your past. Look at me and where I’ve gotten with that.” Jasper continued walking off. “I’m going wherever life takes me. Your tactics are different from mine. I won’t learn anything or gain anything here. I need to do this on my own.”

“Don’t leave me-“ the words came out of my mouth without thought. “I can’t have you leave me too!”

“Lapis, you’re upset,” Jasper said.

“Obviously I am! How am I supposed to deal with people always leaving me!?” I felt… panicked. Loss of control… it was like I couldn’t guess what could happen next. “Please…”

“Promise me you’ll use your own advice and find your purpose, not pin it on someone else,” Jasper called. “If you want to call me sometime, just ask one of your pea-brained sisters for my new number. I’m going my own way for myself.”

I went silent, my mouth bubbling with invisible water that existed to me and me alone.

I find it ironic that the person who came here supposedly searching for a purpose left because their purpose was to leave and continue on to find their purpose for themself, meanwhile I’m still here losing my purpose or growing unsure of mine.

_You still have Peridot though._

_Pumpkin._

_Your sisters._

_… Steven is still out there, even if you don’t know where he is and may never will._

_My purpose… shouldn’t rely on other people, because then I’m going to fall apart._

I watched Jasper disappear.

I said nothing more.

Tears returned, stronger than ever, and I let them fall. I didn’t stop them, I didn’t fight it, I let it all naturally happen.

Jasper left. She left… because she’s looking after herself. 

_Can you blame her? You used her._

_… But… she’s right. I can’t depend on someone to be my only reason to live. Because then who am I fighting for? Surely not myself…_

_I’ve lost so many people… I’ll continue to lose many more. If I always fall apart after each one…_

I sat down where I was, not even caring for the cold concrete on my bare feet.

_Rose, what am I supposed to do?_

_You said you’d always be there for me._

_What am I supposed to do? All I can do is cry-!_

I watched my tears fall.

_All I can do is cry._

I don’t want to die. I may have tried to kill myself before, but do I really want a permanent solution to this? What if I could change it all? What if I could find the light? What if I could find joy? Happiness? Meaning? A purpose, one that is for me? 

What if the purpose to life is just that? Life? It’s just… life?

What if life doesn’t even have a purpose? Because it’s just… life?

It’s just… life. It's here, it’s the now… life keeps going no matter what, no matter if you live or die or if the whole world is with you or against you. 

I guess… the longer I dwell in these thoughts and wander these grievances, the longer I prolong my own life; what could become my past, what could be the foundation of my future. I can say I’m gonna be a good person, but am I? Am I actually fucking doing something?

_… I need help._

I continued to sob, letting it all out. My chest heaved, my eyes puffed, and my nose bled snot over my upper lip. The back of my throat burned with a strange taste, not blood, but just oddity. 

_… I need help. I need to actually do something instead of saying it._

All I could do was cry. I haven’t allowed myself to so vividly succumb to my emotions like this in forever. I held it in, only rarely did I break. But now...

Sometimes, all we _can_ do is cry.

We just… cry, and we let out what we kept bottled for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t write this chapter primarily only while when I was in bad moods of my own- I feel like it helps get into the mindset better of characters like this as well as get the mood off my chest in an expressional and non-destructive way. I’d also like to thank one of my friends for kinda proofreading through and helping me put into words some of the emotions and themes I wanted to incorporate/convey here this chapter.  
> Songs like “True Faith” covered by Lotte Kestner, “Drumming Song” by Florence and the Machine and various Silent Hill OSTs also helped while writing this.


	100. Week Fifteen - Lapis, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after Jasper left.
> 
> CW/TW: themes of depression, internal ableism

_ All I have to look forward to is the morning sun. _

I guess it’s a figure of speech. I don’t know why I said what I said last night, but… 

_ All I have to look forward to is the morning sun. _

_ There’ll be another tomorrow, a new yesterday… Each new day comes with a rising sun. It’s a new chance, a new invitation. _

I hadn’t gone back to the dorm yet. I mean, I am now, but I just… want to watch the sunrise first. 

First it’s dark, then it gets lighter. Lighter, lighter, until it’s a violet. Next comes the oranges and pinks accompanied by clouds. It’s like someone took a paintbrush and went wild with their palette on the canvas. 

_ What was that thing Rose said? That when an artist dies, they paint the sky? … Then Amethyst made her disappointed and appalled by saying she’d draw dicks in the sky.  _

I smiled at the memory.

_ That was funny. I wanted to clobber her though for saying that in front of Steven too. _

And Blue’s paintings honestly always amazed me. She had such an eye for detail that I felt  _ inferior  _ beside her. 

Volley… she was quiet, but she was good company.

_ I’ve never realized how much people I’d lose, even if they didn’t pass away. _

Jenny… Buck, Sour Cream… I’d never see them again, will I?

At least I won’t see Kevin again, thank god.

But still, I… miss when my life was something stable. Good. Peaceful.

_ Changes are inevitable. Is our whole life built around change? _

_ What would Pearl do? What would Pearl say? How would she handle this? Or Rose… Greg… _

I don’t know what to do. All I know is to wait for the morning sun. Wait for a new tomorrow, a new day, that hope of morning, that…  _ euphoria  _ of being  _ alive.  _ The joy that I  _ survived _ , that I’m still breathing and still existing.

I’m just not sure how to pull through some nights when the same sun doesn’t sound so appealing anymore. 

What are we here for?

_ What do you want me to do, Rose? Pearl? Greg? Steven? _

I put my hand on the handle of the dorm door. 

_ Just hang on to that hope of morning. Just keep… going. No matter what happens, keep going. _

_ Keep going for yourself. _

_ … Keep going. _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“You know, the Pumpkin Patch opens this weekend,” Nancy said. “Usually mom took us there only for the baking contest when she’s invited to be the judge.” She and Mary sat at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal together. Literally a singular bowl being shared between them.

“Pumpkin patch?” Peridot sparked her interest, springing up from the couch. “What’s that?”

_ Oh my gosh, she’s never-. _

Suddenly I feel more bad for Peridot. 

_ What else have you never seen or heard of? _

“It’s a place where kids go get pumpkins and food,” I explained before my sisters could make her feel bad for not knowing. “Like… a glorified carnival for Halloween.”

“So how does it work?” Peridot asked me. She poured some fresh water for Pumpkin, now fully up and active.

“You pick out a pumpkin,” I said.

“Wait. You… PICK your own pumpkin?! Literally PICK?!”

“Yeah.” I washed the last dish in the sink, keeping myself occupied. “Or there’s some small ones already picked that you can buy too.”

_ Steven and I used to go to one up by our place… we always got a caramel apple to share and some apple cider… Rose would take us to the petting zoo… _

I blankly stared at the water running.

_ I miss when things were simple.  _

Peridot approached me. I noticed her and I turned off the water. “What?” I asked.

“Um,” She wrung her hands together. “So about this…  _ pumpkin patch _ -“

“If you’re going to ask me if we can go, yeah, we can go,” I giggled.

“REALLY?!” Peridot lit up.

“Yeah. Really,” I confirmed.

“Oh my gosh-! WHEN CAN WE GO? WHAT WILL WE DO THERE?” Peridot started flapping her hands, her lips sealed in a gigantic frown. She’s like a kid when she’s happy. 

_ Is it because she wasn’t able to fully express herself?  _

Yeah, the more I think of it… holy shit… If what she told me about her mom…- 

_ She wasn’t able to  _ have _ a childhood. Meanwhile I have memories of me and Steven or even me and the Florences… Peridot had nobody. She didn’t have siblings or a family who… _

_ Is that why she also looks to me for approval of things? Like I noticed when we were on the road or even now, she’ll ask ME if it’s okay to do something or go somewhere. It’s like she DEPENDS on someone to tell her what she can and can’t do. _

_ … Kind of reminds me of myself. I depended on Rose…- _

“We can go this weekend,” I suggested. “I don’t have anything going on.”

_ Great way to kick off the school year. _

“What are you doing?” Nancy asked.

I put the dish down. I glanced over to see what she was looking at or talking to. She was talking to Peridot, who had awkwardly stopped moving her hands, her posture shying away. 

“Why does it matter?” I deadpanned, stepping in front of Peridot. It was just… almost  _ instinctive _ . 

“It’s… weird,” Mary stated.

“Is it hurting you?” I challenged.

Mary hummed. “No… I guess not.”

“Then don’t bother.” I found it weird how I reacted, since I was the same kind of person that Nancy was not that long ago. I used to say the same thing. I used to judge Peridot’s actions that I didn’t understand. 

_ So why is it different now? _

“... Weirdo,” I heard Nancy say under her breath.

I was ready to move. My muscles clenched. But before I could lose my temper, Peridot stopped hiding behind me. She started  _ going off _ . I thought she was going to start spitting fire or something.

“I  _ am _ weird. I get that. I’m weird, I’m… I’m weird- I AM. I’m different! And that  _ isn’t _ a bad thing! Neither does it make me any lesser! I’m  _ proud _ to be different! I’m  _ disabled _ , and I’m allowed to have  _ pride _ in who I am!” Peridot announced, puffing out her chest. “... See, I’m autistic. Autism is a neurological disability. It’s a spectrum that resembles a wheel consisting of motor skills, sensitivity, conversation skills, and so on. The spectrum isn’t just two ends. The terms ‘severely autistic’ and ‘mildly autistic’ are just ways neurotypical people judge us based on our behaviors to have an excuse to belittle us, deny or suffocate us n help, or treat us lesser. The only reason why you think I’m weird is because society hasn’t accepted people like me yet, so they take one look at me and think that I’m being childish or taboo.” She shrugged. “If you want to insult me, at least do it right and don’t use a word I’m  _ proud  _ to be. Why not use weeb? I’m a HUUUGE Camp Pining Hearts weeb! That’s a word I’m still warming up to!”

I found myself...  _ impressed _ . She’s standing up for herself. Only thing is if Mary and Nancy would have positive reactions… I watched them both.

“... What?” Nancy echoed.

“What’s a Camp Pining Hearts?” Mary made a face.

_ … Wow. _

“It’s a very complicated show that  _ normies  _ wouldn’t understand,” Peridot crossed her arms, turning away.

“Normie?” Mary echoed, confused.

“Normie; bland, unremarkable, follows the mainstream and doesn’t stand out much,” Peridot defined. “You might be thinking wow! I’m a walking encyclopedia! But actually, I just pick up on things and aren’t afraid to step outside of the mainstream to embrace myself and indulge in my own interests. Maybe you can find your own unique tastes if you weren’t so confined into wanting to fit in or blindly following what people tell you is in or out. What most of society would say is weird is actually fun! Haven’t you tried MANGA?”

_ Holy shit, she sounds like Pearl a bit. _

“Is she… insulting us?” Nancy fretted.

I started choking up into a snort.

“What?! It’s not funny!!” Nancy whined.

I covered my mouth, breaking into a full on laugh. “Maybe next time don’t make fun of someone,” I said. 

“Yeah! And next time don’t be-!” Peridot began.

I clamped my hand over Peridot’s mouth. “Don’t be jerks,” I finished for her.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“... I’m sorry, Lapis. I don’t know… I don’t know what came over me.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” I assured Peridot, folding the clothes on the bed. Now I know how Pearl feels doing these chores… And Rose.

“I feel like either the more symptoms I show I’m doing for attention, or the less symptoms I show I’m a fraud,” Peridot confessed, pushing aside the shirt that she had been folding herself. “And I don’t know… I don’t know what is what anymore. What if I am a fraud or what if I’m exaggerating or being dramatic or faking-“ Peridot held her head. “... I don’t know. I kinda got used to- masking, that’s what it’s called- when you suppress yourself so that you can pass under society’s standards as what they consider normal. Sometimes I slip up though…”

_ … Reminds me of when Rose took me to get diagnosed… Obviously depression or trauma whatever isn’t the same as autism, but… if I show too much, people say I’m doing it for attention. If I don’t show enough, people say I’m fine. People don’t care unless you actually take your own life, and then only then will people mourn and act like they regret making fun of you or not being there to help you. _

“Hey.” I stopped folding up the clothes, putting my hand on Peridot's shoulder. “You’re not a fraud. You’re not being dramatic either. If you wanna… do your hand thing, do your hand thing.”

_ I know I’m obsessed with setting personal boundaries but- she told me before that it’s okay to touch her, right? I just want to comfort her... _

“It’s not that I  _ want _ to  _ be  _ normal, I just... want to be  _ accepted _ …” Peridot quietly mumbled. “I didn’t understand anything about myself- why I do what I do or say what I say until I researched myself… Nobody was there to help me and my mom just…”

“I know.” I let her vent.

“I wish people listened to autistic voices more often. We keep getting… ignored- and or our words twisted… Lots of neurotypical people speak over us, thinking they know what’s best for us, but they don’t. They don’t... My mom didn’t… People make fun of us-“ Peridot shakily inhaled. “When I say that I wish that I was never born or that I wish I was born ‘normal’, I just mean that I wish that people understood-...”

“I know.” I let her bury her head into my chest. I slowly pat her back.

_ I used to be like Mary and Nancy. I’d put Peridot into that position where she’d stop moving her hands or asked her what she was doing... I still don’t really understand it nor do I understand like half the things she talks about with stuff like this, but… _

“I miss my mom,” Peridot sobbed. “I know that I shouldn’t but… she was all I had… even if she hated me and wanted my brain to get all scrabbled-“

“... I know.” I let Peridot cry it out while Pumpkin snoozed away on my pillow, her belly full from her lunch. I could only sympathize by letting Peridot cry on me because I didn’t know how to say that I too sometimes wished that I was dead or that I too sometimes felt like I was in the wrong place. It’s not romantic. It’s not something glorious and grand. It’s just...  _ life _ . And sometimes, we let the dark come seeping in for a small visit. Sometimes, we fall apart and all we can do is just… cry.

… Only thing is, if we’re gonna swim through it or drown. Some people are born with paddles. The rest of us figure out rather quickly that it’s unfair we have to fight each stroke for stroke to get to the surface.

I guess it kind of helps though if you have someone else swimming with you. It makes the trip less frightening, less… lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // And to your left you can see Lapis and Peridot in an emotional session. Don’t worry folks, we’ll be getting more Peridot-centric in a moment. Thank you for riding Airtime Angst
> 
> Also I sometimes lowkey get nervous writing Peridot because I’m afraid if I’ll come off stereotypical despite literally basing her off myself and some other autistic folks I know, so I get all akahsjwhwjwj  
> Especially the “walking encyclopedia” stereotype, I basically am that stereotype in real life like throw a special interest at me like dinosaurs or something and I’ll start telling you a whole book of info


	101. Week Sixteen - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pumpkin patch. Must I say more?

“Peridot!”

I jerked my head up from my phone where I had been investing my attention onto the information presented to me on the screen. “What?”

“What do you want?” Lapis asked me.

I blinked, and it took me a hot second to realize that we were in a drive thru. Oh! Right, Lapis said that we should get lunch before we got into the pumpkin patch… Uh… “Just a soda,” I shrugged.

“No food?”

“Um…” I thought some more. “Fries…?”

_ I DON’T KNOW. _

_ AGH. _

I was so grateful to get it over with. I’m not good with making decisions on the spot when I’m suddenly thrust into a place where I have to make a choice right then and there without any prior warning or time to think beforehand. The fries turned out to be good though. I wish I got two packs of fries actually.

Lapis said her sisters wanted to stay at the dorm which would work out perfect for a babysitter for Pumpkin, and I hope they know how to take care of her. She likes getting pet behind her ears the most, which I hope they know now. I mean, I told them before we left and also that Pumpkin prefers one certain brand of dog food over the rest that we bought before. She’s a good dog! Pumpkin isn’t like  _ my  _ dog, but I love her! 

I tapped on another website URL on my phone, getting quite interested in my research. I’ve been a bit… I guess the word is obsessed with researching more about myself, things such as autism or asexuality…

_ Can you be asexual and still like girls? _

_ What if you don’t like girls until after… yes! There it is- until after a bond is formed. I don’t… well, I don’t like forming an attraction unless I know somebody-... _

“Looks like we’ll have to park a bit further down… so we’ll need to do some walking,” Lapis informed me while searching for a parking space. Time sure passes fast when you’re occupied, oh my gosh. I didn’t even get to finish my soda yet! 

_ Does fanfiction count? I mean- I… is fictional…-? _

_ Can autism affect relationships and how you perceive…? _

_ How do I know if I like like somebody? _

I almost choked on my soda as I finished up drinking it just in time for Lapis to finally park the car. I got out of the car as soon as I could, of course taking my phone with me. I could take pictures! Maybe some of the pumpkins, I think there’s a petting zoo based on what Lapis told me on the way here…

_ I wonder if they have chickens… _

“I think you’ll like this,” Lapis told me. She locked the car once she was out, stuffing her keys into the pocket of her jeans. I waited for her to rejoin me before I followed her, looking everywhere I could to take in my new surroundings. “I’ve obviously never been to this one before, but… you’ll like it.”

“Did you go to things like this?” I questioned. “Like- all the time?”

“Pretty much,” Lapis said. “Pumpkin patch, the boardwalk, camping… Rose took us lots of places.”

“Can we get a pumpkin?”

“Sure. But only a small one because I’m not going to carry something big back to the dorm.”

“We can carve Pumpkin’s face on it,” I grinned.

“Aww. It’ll look just like her,” Lapis snorted.

_ Oh my gosh she did that snort thing she does when she laughs sometimes. And she also snores super loudly. Also she has NO idea what personal space is and last night I found her COMPLETELY ROLLED INTO MY SIDE OF MY BED!! SHE BROKE THE PILLOW BARRIER IN HER SLEEP!! SHE’S HEAVY AND I HAD TO PUSH HER AWAY IT WAS AWFUL. _

It was surprisingly quick access too; we went to the front, Lapis paid our small entrance fee, and it was somewhat busy but… WOW. Look at this place!! I can smell so much food and there’s a bakery not that far away, a sunflower maze, A ZIPLINE-. 

… Whoa. This is… this is AWESOME. My mother never took me somewhere like this before… This is so AWESOME! Has this always been a thing!? I was missing out on this the whole time!? Wow… gee, this place is pretty big… Ugh, that popcorn smells DELICIOUS-!

“Anything you wanna do first?” Lapis offered.

I can’t decide!! How can I when there are SO many options available!? Oh! Oh! We could do that or this and that and that-!! Hmm… “What about the petting zoo?” I pointed out a sign with directions to various locations on the property. 

“Petting zoo it is,” Lapis was all in.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“You’ve been staring at that carousel for a while,” I noticed as we sat down at a picnic table to chew on some slices of caramel apple that we had gotten. The petting zoo was like a miniature farm of sorts, complete with chickens too!! It reminded me of the equine center with a bit more free reign of the place in terms of getting to pet whatever you want or visit whatever animal you wanted without worrying about needing to do tasks like learn to ride a horse or take care of a horse. I could just walk in and pet a chicken, then wash my hands and continue with my day! How cool is that!?!

Lapis popped a caramel apple piece into her mouth. “... I’m not stalking anybody if that’s what you were going to say next,” she joked with me. At least, I hope she’s joking. That’s a joking tone she’s using, right? I trust so. 

“I’m just wondering why,” I innocently said.

Lapis hummed under her breath. “... Memories,” she simply replied. “Steven and I… we’d do things like this, and…”   
  
I frowned. “... Oh.” I wanted to flap my hands a moment ago from how overjoyed I was, but now I just feel depressed hearing Lapis’ response. I want to help her, I really do- I want to be there for her like when she was there for me yesterday- I just… don’t know how… “Um… about yesterday- I uh- thank you.”

Lapis flashed me a dumbfounded look.

I cleared my throat, tapping my hands together. “I mean, what I mean is that thanks for you know, being there and even though they were your sisters…-”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Lapis stopped me. “It… should be a standard to just not be a jerk.”   
  


_ She’s really come a long way if I think about it for a while. She used to make me feel bad or awkward about my stims and now I feel comfortable around her AND she’s defending me. Stims are what can help an autistic person cope with processing their surroundings or expressing their emotions according to multiple sites during my research. It actually does help when I flap my hands… _

So, I took a deep breath in before I slowly started to do so under the table to avoid the judgmental gaze of any passerby. It felt… good. Mostly free and it also made me a bit nervous because I was worried if someone would call me out on it, but it was nice.

Lapis then sighed. “Okay. I’m blankly staring at a random place both because of memories and I’ve just… been out of it,” she admitted to me at last. 

_ She trusts me enough to be open with me. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh-. _

I sat up taller. Like as if that would help with anything, psh. I didn’t take my eyes off her, showing that I was listening and willing to listen to what she wanted to say.

“You know that Jasper left,” Lapis began.

Oh this is going in  _ that _ direction. Okay then. I nodded. “Yup!”

“God, I… I don’t know where to start. I’ve just been so emotional about…” Lapis didn’t touch the rest of her food. “I think we were both horrible for each other. I used Jasper, but she also goaded me to send her… certain pictures,” Lapis told me.

“Nudes?” I assumed.

Lapis scoffed. “Yeah. Nudes.”

_ Yeah I remember that. I DO NOT WANT TO REMEMBER THAT. _

“I feel so shitty for just…” Lapis was having difficulty saying what she wanted to say, but I’m patient and it’s not like I’m in a rush to go anywhere especially after having already done by bucket list which was pet a chicken, so…

“It’s okay to feel shitty,” I did my best to reassure her. Am I doing a good job? “I feel shitty sometimes.”

Lapis stared at me. “Wow.” She must’ve been confused or taken by awe with my consolation. 

I’m no therapist and that’s becoming obvious. “But it’s true!” I defended myself. “It’s okay to feel shitty-” That’s like something Lapis or Rose would say, right? “- if you feel shitty, that means you’re uh… experiencing emotions, and that’s being human.”

_ Oh my gosh I suck at this. PERIDOOOOOT YOU SUCK AT THIS. _

_ Can I scream into a void in my head and nobody will hear me? Okay, that’s amazing. _

_ AAAAAAAAAAA. _

_ …. _

_ See, nobody heard me. I’m not satisfied though! AAAAA-. _

“I feel guilty,” Lapis huffed. “My emotions are just… awful right now. Everything gets worse when you’re on your period.”

“It’s the hormones,” I nodded. “They’re responsible for the PMS, and they can also influence someone’s state of depression before and during the cycle.”

“That explains a lot,” Lapis came to conclusion. 

“Stress can also worsen period pains-”

“How do you know all this?”

I blushed. “... I get periods too, don’t I?”

Lapis held back a chuckle of amusement. 

Even when she seemed to be back to a better mood, I can’t help but feel like she’s hiding something from me. Something like… darker emotions of hers.

… Is it normal that I’m worried about her? I’m worried if she’s okay...

After our caramel apple break, we headed off to the pumpkin patch itself to browse some gourds and pick one out to bring back to the dorm. The patch was already full of other people, and Lapis said that we should get one that just grew in so that it might not rot as fast as a regular full grown pumpkin.

“I feel like they should have people hiding in this patch and then they spring up at you when you get close,” I said, strolling through the plants with Lapis beside me. I stayed awfully close to her, now a bit unnerved by my thought. What if there  _ was _ people hiding in the greenery?

“That’d be scary,” Lapis nodded. She spotted a pumpkin in the patch nearby. “Oh. Wow. That’s one big pumpkin,” Lapis commented, pointing it out to me.

“Here, take a picture of me on it!” I excitedly said without a second thought. I climbed on top of the pumpkin, flashing a dramatic grin and two peace signs. “I’m the pumpkin lord!!”

Lapis laughed, taking out her phone. “That’s your pose?”

“Yup!”

“Aesthetic.”

“I’m the most abominable- WHOA!” And then I fell. Lapis and I both burst into laughter while some nearby crowds were more interested in if I was alright.

The pumpkin patch did prove to be fun, and I wouldn’t mind going back anytime soon. Lapis and I found a small pumpkin that we could bring with us, and it hardly weighed a thing! I got to carry it after we picked it out, and for now it will remain uncarved until we get an idea of what to do with it properly. I guess it can be decoration in the meantime…?

I wish I had some money though… I would’ve liked to get Lapis something since she’s dealing with her  _ ahem,  _ menstruation issue. Something like a chocolate covered marshmallow or a pumpkin pie maybe? Does she even like those? I felt bad that I wasn’t able to supply something sweet like that for her, but I felt a bit better once we went back to our dorm and I let her sit with Pumpkin on the couch for a bit. Pumpkin’s great at cuddling! So she’s more than happy to also cuddle with Lapis and give her company! 

_ I need a job… blah. Then I can have money and I can get my own things. _

I waited until Mary and Nancy had gone into Lapis’ room to continue gossiping about some social media drama that they had been talking about forever, then I went over to sit with Lapis and Pumpkin. I fiddled with my hands a bit. “Do you… want to continue Life is Strange?” I asked.

_ Maybe she’d like that? She can watch from the couch and if she needs something like a heating pad I can look for a water bottle and fill that up with warm water that I can heat up on the stove. I think that can work as a good substitute… I don’t really know, I don’t get cramps or PMS symptoms. Poor Lapis… _

_ And on top of that I feel like she has some emotional baggage or stress… Maybe we do need therapy… That can help her, right? Help us both? _

“Sure,” Lapis decided, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Where’d we leave off?”

“On a cliffhanger,” I told her whilst starting up the console. I smiled at her. “We’re so close to beating the game, it’s going to be great!” 

I had so much fun today both at the pumpkin patch and just hanging out with Lapis in general. I wish I had this kind of life sooner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Chapter updates for a while will be a bit slow - college and my new job is gonna be weight on my shoulders for a while womp womp


	102. Week Nineteen - Peridot, Monday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis receives some news, and Peridot and Lapis share a casual conversation.

“I hate Earth science…” I groaned, staring intensely at my homework. “Igneous, metamorphic… FRICK. What’s the last- sedimentary! I knew that,” I spoke to myself, writing down the last rock category on the line. “I wish we could move to purely online work already… They give students the choice and I should’ve requested it sooner.”

  
“Eh. I like the paper better,” Lapis said from across the room. She was on the couch with Pumpkin, reading a book from one of her classes. “Better to be on time now than procrastinate and get more work.” 

“What do you mean?”  


“If you get the work done now, that means you don’t have to worry about it later,” Lapis explained. “Plus you have more time to double check work and crap like that.”

  
“Oh.” I studied my paper. Everything was filled out, I answered all the questions, I’m good! So far I hate school but what else is new? I got a cut on my finger from when I reached into my locker to get my homework once- that’s new. Lapis gave me a bandaid and I keep removing it because it needs to BREATHE. CUTS NEED TO BREATHE. That’s how they heal! I think, anyway… Well, we’ll see.

Lapis’ sisters sometimes get on my nerves even when I don’t want to verbally admit it. They get into fights over things such as what fashion is in or out, and I also once overheard them argue over whether a poodle or a chihuahua was more stylish. If they picked the chihuahua, I’m rather disappointed.

I’m on a good schedule with my school stuff; I wake up at a decent time, get ready, eat breakfast or Lapis and I will go to the cafeteria and get something before we part ways to our classes. I’m so excited for Halloween. I haven’t trick or treated before, but who says I can’t this year!? … Okay, so I can’t because I live on campus, and I’m pretty sure that nobody on campus would do a campus or treat event or something, but there is always next year! I like looking at the spooky decor in the classrooms when I can. My English class is decorated in some paper bats and fake webs on the ceiling, which I think is pretty neat. 

Lapis and I also still share the same room, and Lapis managed to figure out how to move all her clothes over to my room and get our things in seperate places in the same room for better organization. We did a bit of decorating after I kept mentioning to Lapis the Halloween decorations, and guess what she let me do!? She let me put up some Halloween decorations too! … As well as some Camp Pining Hearts posters we found from someone in the dorm who was getting rid of their old things, Our Halloween decor right now is purely handmade and handcrafted with paper and whatever else we could find on our hand, but it’s still great! Plus, the fact that me and Lapis made our own paper bats and paper mache spiders makes the decorations seem more… special.

Oh gosh… I still feel a bit weird sleeping next to Lapis. Some nights I’ve kind of gotten over it due to how frequent we have to do this over and over again while Lapis’ sisters are here- one night I stayed on the couch because I felt just so… weird?? I MEAN- okay, it’s not like I am sick, I swear, it’s a weird that starts with this flopping in my belly, and then it’s followed by my heart beating so fast and so much that I can literally feel it in the pit of my throat and it feels like my chest is going to BURST. Is that normal? I asked Google and I couldn’t find anything. I’m very confused on what it could be. It’s not like I’m hosting any sort of feelings or having a flu or whatever kind of sickness out there! So when it comes to that feeling that comes and goes especially when Lapis is THAT CLOSE TO ME, I’m lost. I’ve done my best to ignore it when I can. No way am I asking Lapis about it. What if she thinks I’m a freak!?

I’m so happy that my life right now is much better than it was before. No running, no hiding, no police, no mom, nobody tying my hands together… The year is almost over… I’m going to have my first Christmas without my mother. That’s so…? Eugh, what use is Christmas if I don’t even feel jolly? I just feel… here, alive in the moment.

I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed when some news dropped upon us. 

“... Charlotte’s in jail?”

“That’s what the servants said. We were on the phone with them while you were in class and we… didn’t want to tell you until you came back.”

_ Is that Lapis and her sisters talking? What’s going on? _

I leaned out of the bathroom, poking my head out. I almost fell. I can sort of tell who is talking, but it’s all a jumbled mess in my ears because I’m more focused on what they’re saying.

“They said they found her guilty for a lot of bad stuff… some things we didn’t even know about… Julie, one of the servants, says we can stay with her while they sort out our mom’s business in court.”

“Charlotte… just like that, huh?”

“They said she was going a bit crazy too. Someone said they wanted to put her in a mental hospital.”

“So if you want, we can leave in the morning and tell Julie where to get us.”

“I…”

“Charlotte won’t be able to hurt us anymore. Right?”

“Unless they release her from jail.”

“You don’t have to leave that early, I mean… your  _ mother _ was arrested-“

“She was yours too.”

“I know, but… I never even knew she existed until this year. I don’t know her like you guys do. She’s more a mom to you then she ever was to me. She got rid of me. Remember?”

“I guess you’re right…”

“We’ll be fine with Julie though. She was the nicest to us, and she makes the best breakfast.”

“If you’re sure… yeah. You can leave whenever you want.”

“Then we can go in the morning, yeah. We still need to get some new stuff and I’ll take Nancy to the mall or something. Julie can drive us.”

“Alright.”

“And… Lapis? We’re sorry about everything.”

_ This sounds super serious... _

  
I don’t think I should go out there right now. This sounds more like a Lapis only sort of thing and I’m not a therapist, so…

I called Pumpkin over once I finished brushing my teeth, getting into my pajamas and settling into bed with my phone. I played a bit of games, a little anxious about when Lapis would come over here or what she would say if she did come over here.

_ Should I say I’m sorry? But I mean, what for? I’m not responsible for anything that happened, but should I still say sorry? I feel like I should say sorry… FEELINGS ARE THE WORST! UGH!! _

“H-hey! Hey! Hi, Lapis!!” I beamed when she finally came into my room. I set my phone down, patting Pumpkin’s back. “Uh- so what… um… out there-“

“... Were you eavesdropping?”

“A little,“ I admitted sheepishly.“Was I not supposed to? You three were talking kinda loudly so I kind of-“

“You’re fine.” Lapis sat down at the edge of the bed, rubbing her face. “I mean, at least you know what’s going on. Right?”

“I think so,” I nodded. “Something about the Charlotte lady being in jail?”

“Yup…”

“Oh.”

Lapis sighed. “I feel like I’ll never know what kind of person she actually was. Was she lying to me this whole time? Was there actually some truth with some things she said? How am I the only survivor on that stupid ship? What’s real anymore? What’s fake?” She buried her face into her hands. “Rose would’ve known what to do.”

“Do you… want me to like hug you or-?” I unsurely asked. There was just so much tension, I didn't know what to think!

“No. I’m fine.” Lapis didn’t even bother with pajamas as she flopped down onto my bed beside me, taking up her side of our pillow barrier. 

_ You’re not fine though… you’re not.  _

I looked over at her. 

_ How can I help her? I don’t know what it’s like to be in her position- I don’t even have siblings!! _

“I’m still here for you,” I blurted. I don’t know how else I can offer my services as a form of reassurance and support. If I don’t do something, anything, I’m going to feel awfully useless. “I don’t know what you feel or what you’re going through exactly, but… Lapis, we’re a team. I’m here if you need it.”

“Thanks.” 

I laid down, moving Pumpkin up to my chest. She didn’t protest, because she’s super floppy when she’s tired and adores attention. She likes to snuggle under my chin or on my stomach sometimes. I lightly wrapped my arms around her, keeping her close.

“... What do you want to do for Halloween?” Lapis quietly questioned.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Trick or treating is out of the equation. A campus like this I doubt will have anyone participating. It’s too… school-y.”

“I could drive us to a neighborhood.”

“Hmm… you could… If you do, I’ll find an easy last minute costume to make for both you and me!”

“Awesome.”

It fell quiet again.

_ I can’t sleep. My eyes are wide awake. GO TO SLEEP. NOW! SLEEP!  _

Curiously, I glanced over at Lapis again. 

_ She can’t sleep either. How does Pumpkin do it so easily?! _

“I wish Steven was here with us,” Lapis murmured. “He would’ve loved Halloween. Especially with you.”

“After a few board games, maybe,” I said with a smile.

“Did you see what the school decided on for their first play?” 

“I don’t think I did… what is it?”

“The Lion King,” Lapis broke into a small laugh. “I kind of blame Jamie, but at the same time it makes sense. The mascot’s a lion after all.”

“Jamie? Who’s Jamie?” I raised a brow.

“Some… guy,” Lapis turned her head away from me.

_ Does she…? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh gosh oh gosh oh GOSH OH GOD OH GOSH. WHY DO I FEEL WEIRD AGAIN?!?! PUMPKIN, SAVE ME!!! _

“Do you… like him?” I asked her.

“Umm…”

“You like him,” I decided. 

“Actually, it’s complicated,” Lapis corrected, “I… went on a date with him back at Charlotte’s before, and… I rejected him right after that.”

“You WHAA- WHAT?!” I was shocked.

“He was pretty heartbroken. Class was awkward.”

Oh yeah- Lapis told me that she had to change her classes a while ago in order to get into guitar class. “So are you and him…?” I trailed off.

“Eventually I had to talk to him again. I said I was sorry. He took it pretty well honestly,” Lapis told me, “we’re just friends now.”

Why does my stomach feel weird still? I’ll have to try some more research about it…

“So what about that play thing? How come you mentioned it?” I hummed.

“I was sorta thinking of auditioning…” Lapis scratched her forehead. “Probably for either Nala or Sarabi. Steven would’ve loved joining if he was here.”

I gasped. “Lapis! You should audition! You have a good voice!!“

“Eh…” Lapis sounded undecided. “You should come auditon with me.”

“I can’t sing!”

“But you know how phones and stuff work, right?”

“A little…” I nodded.

“They need some people on the tech crew. So even if you don’t get a part actually in the play, you can join the tech crew. They do stuff like lighting, music, cues…”

“It’s a deal. Let’s join this play!” I grinned. 

“They’re holding auditions next week before Halloween,” Lapis informed me.

“Let’s do it,” I decided. “Let’s smash this play together!”

Lapis moved her head a little, looking at me. “I wouldn’t say smash, but yeah. Let’s do it.”

“Well, yeah not literally smash, but you know what I mean,” I nervously giggled.

_ She smiled at me… SHE SMILED. Maybe I managed to help her feel less upset?  _   
  


_ … Oh no why does my stomach feel weird just because she smiled at me? Stop itttttt!!! AAAAA!!! _


	103. Week Twenty - Peridot, Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot delves a bit deeper into her “problem”. 
> 
> • Spoiler alert for Life is Strange details  
> CW for a few brief mentions of sex and sexuality

You know, it’s a LOT quieter around here without anybody else here now. It’s back to the original gang, the trio consisting of me, Lapis, and Pumpkin! No more hearing fights about fashion, no more Jasper… just the living pain that is attending high school and dying from stressful classwork! How amazing is that??

It’s so weird how my life has become this- I know I say that a lot but I sincerely mean that I never would’ve thought that months ago I would eventually end up like this. I never even knew I would make friends like Lapis or Steven, heck I never even knew I’d wound up on the run from my own mother! I wonder where she is now… how is she doing without me? Is she still bitter and still hellbent on trying to correct me by the ways of what she thinks is perfection? Does she still want to tear my brain apart just so that I in her image can be welcomed into society? What would she think of my new hair?

I’m surviving high school this far, and I’m already dreading finals in the winter. I’ve downloaded some new games onto my phone, I’ve gone through my notes for classes at least six times, I study, I work hard, and I also enjoy when Pumpkin comes over to sleep on my lap while Lapis and I start crying over Life is Strange. We finished it FINALLY! And I… wow, that game made me feel things I didn’t want to feel.

SPEAKING OF FEELINGS!! I finally got tired of the feeling-schmeezies and I went to the school counselor… I felt a bit scared because what if I’m sick? What if I got Lapis sick? What if I’m overreacting? I didn’t want to see a nurse because then it’s OBVIOUS that something is wrong with me, and I can’t face that. I don’t want Lapis to know either. This is like more of just a me… thing. My problem. Yeah, my problem and my life. My feelings, and also my many questions.

The day before auditions for the school play Lapis had mentioned, I got the courage to walk into the counselor's office.

“- I’m not sure what’s wrong with me or what symptoms that matches with, but I’ve been utterly terrified,” I finished my rant to the counselor. “Is there a medicine I can take? Preferably by liquid and not by a pill or shot??”

“That sounds more like butterflies in the stomach than a disease,” the counselor lightly laughed.

“Butter- no, there’s no insects in my stomach, I swear,” I corrected her. “Yeah they're a good source of protein, but-“

“No, it’s a term that describes a certain stomach flip feeling,” the counselor explained to me. “Do you also feel nervous, or experience any heart racing, sweaty palms, or increase in color to your face?”

“Um… sometimes…” I quietly admitted. “Oh no- you’ve heard of this before, haven’t you? Am I dying?!” I panicked.

“No, not at all, you’re fine,” the counselor assured me. “You’re just experiencing a crush.”

“A huh?”

“We have a few LGBT+ clubs on campus if you’d like to join those?”

“What?”

“This girl that you mentioned… you’re just in love, darling.”

“I’m in what?”

Yeah, I’m impressed the counselor didn’t get mad or fed up with me.

_ In love…. HAH! _

Like as if, right? PAH! Love… love… ew, love. Whatever, love. Why would I be in love? I can’t fall in love, I’m asexual! I’m the word that Lapis told me when people don’t want to do the sex! Lapis likes sex, I don’t!

Unless….

_ Can asexual people still have romantic feelings? _

A few searches, some sidetracking, and eventually, I found my answer;

_ Demiromanticism can be defined as the following; the person experiences romantic attraction only after a strong bond is made with someone, or experiences romantic attraction under very specific circumstances. Demiromanticism differs from demisexuality in terms of sexual attraction. Demisexuality is when someone experiences sexual attraction after a strong bond is made with someone. _

I stared at my screen.

I am  _ not  _ in love with Lapis, that’s dumb. You know what else is dumb? My lips are chapping out of nowhere. Lapis got me some lip balm to try and help, and my dumb lips keep breaking and splitting and bleeding and metaphorically screaming at me. Is that what this love thing does to you? Ew!

That counselor doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. In love with Lapis… PFFFTTTT!! Why would I be? What’s in her that my body has a physical reaction to that causes the sweaty palms and nervousness? Lapis is Lapis, she’s a down to earth more depressed Chloe Price, she's got her own problems on her plate that would be hindered if I intervened! 

In love with Lapis… I am NOT! GOSH! The internet is wrong, and so is that counselor.

So what if I felt just a tiny teeny itty bitty little weird around Lapis or a bit jealous when she mentioned some guy? She’s a free woman, she can do what she want! I’m just an autistic kid who can’t even properly make their mother happy or live a life outside of this closeted space where I have to hide myself from the world in case my mother still wants to scrabble my brains! What if she gave up on that now? No, I know my mom, and she’s ambitious. She wouldn’t give up so easily, right?

And I am definitely not a-! What is the word again? Love… no, the other l word… lesbian? Lesbians… lesbi-... girls.

I pet Pumpkin while I worked on my weekend homework, waiting for Lapis to finish up making some chicken and rice for dinner. I wish I knew how to cook… I’d be making so many things that  _ aren't  _ noodles or toast.

“There’s a second Life is Strange,” Lapis mentioned to me as she tended to the rice in the rice cooker. “Did you know that?”

“There’s- Huh?”

“Life is Strange, Peridot.”

“Yeah I know what that is.”

“There’s a second one, and a prequel called Before the Storm. I think there’s a mini story called something about Captain Spirit.”

“Where did you acquire this information?”

“Looked it up,” Lapis said, guilty as charged. “I can’t get over that ending… and that fucking creepy teacher.”

“He deserves what he got to be locked up!” I agreed with her. “And he just- HE HAS A SECRET DARK ROOM!! IT’S CREEPY!!”

“It was creepy. And the prequel- it goes more into Rachel and Chloe’s life before that.”

“Really?!” I was super interested, all ears. “We should get it!”

“I mean, it is probably cheaper than the second one,” Lapis snorted.

_ Stop stop don’t do that again Lapis don’t do that again don’t do that snort don’t do it-. _

“I think I have successfully converted you into a Life is Strange fan,” I proudly announced.

“You converted me? No, I converted you.”

“No, it was definitely me who converted you.”

“Yeah, right. It was me who converted you.”

“Not true!”

“It’s true.”

“No way! I converted you!”

“Nope. I converted you.”

We went on with this argument for a while. We settled it by agreeing we converted each other, and that indeed, we would get this prequel.

In the meantime, I decided to watch a few trailers and previews for it. I… am rather flustered by the context of Lapis suggesting that we play a game about Rachel and Chloe’s story before the main game. I mean, okay, if you take it into context my situation, and then put that beside this supposed synopsis that the game goes into depth with the gradual romantic relationship of Chloe and Rachel… AAAA DID LAPIS PURPOSELY SET THIS UP? No, she isn’t a mind reader! Maybe I’m looking too much into it!!! Am I looking too much into it?

Oh my god I’m not going to last until auditions and Halloween...


	104. Week Twenty - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Lapis attend the school auditions. Things go a bit awry though...
> 
> CW for alludes to past trauma, emotional distress

Just before auditions, Lapis and I decided to go grab a quick snack at the cafeteria. I got a cup of fruit, and Lapis got a granola bar.

“Ironic,” Lapis said as she bit into her granola bar. “Reminds me of the road.”

“The road?” I made a face.

“You know, back when we were running from the police and crap,” Lapis explained.

“Oooh.” I took a piece of cantaloupe out of the cup. “Do you think… I mean- are we still criminals? Or however this works, I don’t know how this works, really…”

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything. But I’d say we still lie low,” Lapis shrugged. “Here it’s more laid back where we are now. But we can’t be too careful.”

“I’m surprised I haven’t seen more police or my mom yet,” I admitted. “Do you think she forgot about me?”

“I wish Charlotte could forget about me,” Lapis murmured. “I’m glad she gets what she deserves, but I still don’t know what’s true and what’s false about her.”

“Did you talk to your sisters?” Kind of strange she went from my mom to her mom- wait, she didn’t even mention my mom at all or answer my question..

“This morning, yeah. They’re doing fine.” Lapis sounded pretty nonchalant.

“That’s... good.” I’m so awkward.

“I feel… bad. They turned out to be just overly spoiled kids abused by their mother. Probably so that they wouldn’t get suspicious or something. Manipulation,” Lapis said. “I don’t blame them for being who they are.” She slowed down a bit. “And I’m glad that I was adopted out of that shithole. The Florences… they’re good people.  _ Were _ good people. Just like Rose and Greg.”

“We can do the auditions later if you’re not feeling up to it,” I suggested, getting that sort of vibe from Lapis. “You’re okay, right?”

“Yeah.” Lapis stopped walking though. 

I stopped too, looking back at her.

_ … No you’re not... _

“... I don’t know.” Lapis didn’t seem interested in eating anymore. “Peridot, what if we go through all this, only to go back to what we had before?”

“Huh?” I was lost. What did she mean? Okay, now I know that she definitely isn’t okay. And I don’t mean to sound so stupid, I just… don’t understand. I wish I did, I do! But the social cues are telling me one thing, her tone of voice says another… Then we have auditions to get to and what if we’re late or-

“After this, we have to get a job, go to college…” Lapis began ranting, “and then what? What if the police are still looking for us? What if your mother or Charlotte finds us again? Who knows where Steven or Pearl even are right now- Greg is probably worried about me… We can’t just run away either. We’d just… prolong our consequences.”

“So what are you saying?”

Lapis momentarily paused. “... I don’t know what to do,” she admitted. “Life is just a black hole that keeps getting bigger. All we can do about it is just deal with it and ask why we were born without our consent.” She then continued walking. “... Life sucks.”

I blinked.

_ She’s not okay… _

_ Do something, you clod!! What can I even do?! _

I said nothing.

I didn’t even know what to say, and I felt so… useless.

_ Ask why we were born without our consent… _

_ I mean, isn’t she right though? I didn’t want to be here if my mother would continue to treat me so… badly. I remember even wondering why she didn’t just abort me… _

_ But is Lapis okay? She seemed okay yesterday… Or so that’s how much she let out, and kept the rest bottled inside… _

_ Maybe she’s just nervous about auditions. _

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


When we got to auditions in the auditorium, I decided to skip trying out for anything actually in the play. Tech seems to be more of my thing, plus I’m a bit too worried right now to do anything like try out for a stage character. And singing? Blah! I can’t sing for anything! It’d be a waste of time! So I requested the signups for tech, and it’s a simple process of asking what programs I know, can I work with headsets, lighting, blah blah yeah. The people seem very nice too. One girl, I already forgot her name, showed me what headsets they use to talk to each other and give each other cues or heads up for certain lightings. Most people were in a tech department before, so they’re already knowledgeable and willing to teach me if I really want to learn. They’re friendly! I feel useful! Helpful!

I’m still worried about Lapis though. When she starts to ramble or talk about random very heavy topics like earlier, I feel.. not uncomfortable, but concerned I guess is the word. She’s not okay, I have a feeling that she isn’t. And I don’t know if I should tell somebody, if I should leave it be, or if it’s something she wants to deal with herself and just needs to get it out of her system. It’s only been recently I’ve noticed too that she started doing this- I mean, she’s done it before a while ago but it wasn’t… It wasn’t… Uh...

I found myself staring at her as she waited for her turn on the stage behind a line of some other students, sort of momentarily blanking out from what a guy named Emanuel was telling me about the tech. When I snapped back to attention, I made myself tune in solely to the tech topic. Somehow it worked for a bit, I was able to focus just fine and then I heard Lapis’ name.

“Lapis-“

“Here,” she interrupted the director before he could finish saying her full name. I’m guessing…. I mean, I assume it’s crazy, but what if it’s because Lapis didn’t want to hear him say her last name? Maybe she’s upset about it? Or is she just excited about the auditions? Given the circumstances about her sisters and the Charlotte lady...

Oh man… I really don’t know what to do…

_ What if she tries to…?  _

I got anxious thinking about it. I know Lapis can be… explosive, is that the word?? I mean, she… she’s prone to… snapping? Just making my own conclusions here, based on past events…

...

I heard that for auditions, they wanted students to choose a song from another broadway or musical to perform. They’d perform the first minute or two of it, and I’m surprised to hear what Lapis picked. I don’t even know what broadway it is- she never told me! It’s double the surprise!

“And what’s the instrumental you’ve chosen to sing over?” The director asked, hooking up Lapis’ phone to the speakers. “Perfect, from…?”

“From Edges,” Lapis confirmed as she stood on the stage.

“Edges… you're not singing any swearing parts, right? Is it from the beginning?” The director lightly laughed. I’m guessing because he has heard of this broadway before… Does it have cursing? I’m intrigued now.

“Yeah. And it ends before the swearing.” Lapis took in a deep breath.

_ What’s Edges? The heck is an Edges? Where did she find this? It has cursing? _

“What’s an Edges?” I thought out loud.

“It’s a song cycle I think,” someone else on the tech crew answered me.

“Song cycle…?”

“I would’ve expected a Dear Evan Hansen song…” someone else commented nearby. “Or Wicked, that’s popular.”

“Anything but more Hamilton,” another person said. “I’ve heard so much of that today.”

_ I KNOW NOTHING OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT. I AM SO CONFUSED!! _

But when Lapis started singing after the instrumental began? I… wow. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Just… one thing though. I’ve always complimented her because of how much raw emotion she is able to put into her work, and it seems like… she’s not doing that?? It sounds more monotone compared to how I’ve heard her sing before??

_ Lapis, something is wrong and you aren’t telling me. _

Her singing is… a bit flat, I could be wrong because I’m no singer, but the emotion! Where is the emotion?!

I turned my head a little, hoping to see if I could see if the director noticed too. Or is it only me that noticed because only I have heard Lapis sing before? It wasn’t even a minute before the director raised his hand, signaling for her to stop. He turned off the instrumental.

Lapis was dumbfounded. So was I honestly! Maybe he did pick up on it too after all! 

“So, I’m going to pause it here for a moment,” the director explained.

I held my breath.

“I love the voice range you have, it’s clear that you have a natural gift,” the director critiqued. “But the emotion, the power behind your words… that’s missing.”

_ Okay, so it isn’t just me who noticed. Thank gosh. _

“I love your range and I love the sound of it, but if there could be just a little power, I think you can make a good candidate for the role you’re auditioning for as I see here on your sign up sheet,” the director finished speaking. “You’ve got very good potential. I’d like to request that you try again, this time with a little of that power I had talked about. Nala, as an adult lioness, is a character that carries pride and power in her voice. In her feature song  _ Shadowland _ especially, you’re going to need that to convey the sorrow and duty of her journey as she tries to save her pride.”

“... Okay,” Lapis replied.

“Do you know if you’re a soprano?”

“I don’t know…” Lapis shifted her feet.

“Alright. I’m going to restart the instrumental, and I’d like to see if you can make those adjustments. Think of a time where you felt powerless or in a time of crisis, and summon all that emotion to let it out in your voice.”

“Okay.”

I remained silent like everybody else, still watching. I held my hands close to my body as fists, excited.

_ Come on Lapis! I know you can do this!! _

And a Lapis began again; singing, a bit more louder, a bit more bolder, and a bit more… I think the word is airy. Her voice kind of wavered like a gust of wind how it goes faint and then strong again, like her voice was a car gradually going up and down some hilltops. That’s a super weird comparison I know, but that’s the only way I could put it as.

_ “I’ll work. _

_ Get so much smarter, I can try harder, _

_ If I mess up, I can try again! _

_ People change, people grow. _

_ We rearrange, we let things go…” _

My hands fell down to my sides while I listened to her. Her voice prioritized only sounding pretty again when it came to what I assume is the chorus because the song is called Perfect, and she starts saying that word a lot for the next few lines. But after that? It was back to being like a car on a hilltop, smooth and pretty and yet…!

… Wait. Hang on.

_ “Listen… you were right. _

_ My friends were bad for me. _

_ Thank God you helped me see how fake they were. _

_ I know! And look-! Just like you said I should, I cut them out for good,  _

_ I should have done that long ago!” _

Uh oh. Oh nononono-. Lapis! Oh no… Maybe she’s getting a bit  _ too _ emotional… Is she okay? Her voice is shaking and I… I feel like I need to do something. Anything! But what?! The director and the students were eating it up, and I’m  _ panicking! _ Maybe I’m overreacting? Am I over listening? Is that even a thing?

I stood there, doing nothing. I just continued to listen, and I think the director liked it this time because he didn’t stop it or critique her again. Her voice is getting louder, and I’m more than sure that her voice is also cracking a bit as she continued. Is it possible to get too emotional while singing? What caused her to be so deadpan and now she’s suddenly having troubles staying clear with her words? She’s… she’s singing BEAUTIFULLY, but also… tragically. It’s saddening. It… hurts me, metaphorically. Maybe because only I’ve known what she can be like when she’s emotional?

The last verse of her audition… gosh, I… I really could  _ feel  _ just how emotional it was. I’d say this was  _ too _ much of an improvement as compared to her first go. It’s making ME want to cry! 

_ “Don’t let me be alone!” _

That last word… Ugh, she made it sound so,,. So hauntingly horrible, in which I mean sad as heck but like an angel is telling me it! I was in awe, and I was also still unsteady. Does Lapis need me? Does she need my help? Is she okay?

The director started clapping after the instrumental ended. “Fantastic! That was fantastic!” He applauded, impressed. That’s a good thing but what about Lapis?!

The director dismissed and thanked Lapis for auditioning, and that was when I ran backstage to go see her after she had walked off the stage. I assume that I came a minute too late, because Lapis was full on  _ sobbing  _ as other students that had already auditioned gathered around to comfort her. I slipped by, catching some of what Lapis was saying with tears taking over her eyes.

“-Who throws away their child and then wants them back out of nowhere?! And worse? I feel BAD for her! What if something or someone made her the way she is?! What if she was born that way, and now her blood is inside of me, infecting me? What if I’m  _ born to become just like her _ ?” Lapis sobbed, freaking out. “But people aren’t always born like that- they become it, and then spread it. I’m that spread!!” Her eyes were red, and her nose was running.

Now I am very concerned, unsure what to do…

_ Is this what she had been bottling up the last few days or something? How long had she-?! Is this what she released when she sang?! _

I didn’t know how to respond nor comfort her. I… 

I shutdown. My body froze, my legs tensed, my feet went numb, and my vocal chords wouldn’t work. I stood there, I just STOOD there, staring, watching, silently. Even when people moved forward to assist the situation, to help Lapis, I stood there. Somebody pushed me, and that’s when I… I  _ ran.  _ I ran away, and I ran out of the building. I… I abandoned her! I left her! I just left her there when she needed me! I don’t and didn’t know what to do! I’m a fraud! I’m a bad friend! I’m a horrible person-!! My throat feels heavy and the taste in my mouth is like vomit- I wanted to cry. I wish I didn’t run- I wish that I was stronger, that I knew what to do, that I wasn’t a coward and that I was able to stay put and DO SOMETHING!! But I didn’t… I didn’t… I ran, I cowered, I didn’t know what to do, I froze up, and then… And then I just left her there, inside that building, surrounded by strangers in her time of need…

She needed me.

And I just… ran off.

… Who can be proud of themselves after that?

I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, I can’t even swallow or feel the ground beneath my feet. I’m panicking, I’m crying, and I’m choking on my saliva. I’m rocking my feet, I’m flapping my hands like a lunatic- am I crazy? Is it even okay to call myself crazy when this is normal for me in order for me to calm down and understand my surroundings- what is it, to ground myself?

But the biggest thing is… I abandoned Lapis. I just left her there in the auditorium when she needed me…

Should I go tell someone about what’s happening? Should I get  _ help? _

… I don’t know...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // “Perfect” is from Edges  
> I love love doing little Easter eggs and whatnot, so of course I did a lil reference here to Jennifer Paz’ cover of “Perfect” 👀


	105. Week Twenty - Lapis, Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis the day after the auditions. 
> 
> CW/TW: brief mentions of sexual content, some alludes to themes of depression

“I heard that yesterday you... broke down a little after your audition. Are you okay now?” Jamie confronted me during theatre class.

“Yeah.” I didn’t even look up at him, hardly paying attention anyway to class. “It was just… a bad day for me.”

Jamie frowned. “Ah. I’m sorry to hear that, Lapis.”

_ Yeah, me too. _

“On… a brighter note, a little bird told me that the director really liked your audition. I think you’ve got that role you wanted set in stone,” Jamie grinned.

“Crap- that reminds me I didn’t get to stay long enough to see your audition,” I realized. “I’m sorry-“

“Oh! Nono, that’s fine,” Jamie assured me. “I know you were dealing with something at the moment, so you’re fine.”

“Who did you audition for again?” I whispered to him as one student went up to present their monologue.

“Simba, of course,” Jamie smiled. “I’ve always wanted to star as the main character, taking on evil and becoming a hero. But if I don’t get that part, I put down Banzai as my second choice.”

“I’m guessing you mean adult Simba?”

Jamie nodded excitedly. “A tragic tale about a protagonist who must defeat his own uncle in a Disney twist of Hamlet- it’s a story to remember for years!”

_ Why do I keep getting this vibe that he’s like Peridot, but with theatre instead of things Peridot goes on about? He gets so happy and very talkative about anything theatre related. _

“You know that if you get the role as Simba, and if I get the role as Nala, that means we have to do that... love song, right?” I brought up.

“ _ Can you Feel the Love Tonight?  _ Yes, I’m aware,” Jamie responded. “It’s a really romantic and moving song.”

_ … Fantastic. _

It’s going to be more than just awkward having to sing a song about falling in love with someone when it’s with the guy I turned down, and it’s also during a period in my life where I’m… distancing myself, from relationships. 

I’ve tried to look up what it means to have constant dreams about… having sex with strangers, and all I get is that it means I either yearn for a relationship, I’m suppressing a part of myself, or I just have a high sex drive. And since I know for a fact I have not been in the mood at all these past few weeks to do anything to myself, there is no way in hell it means I have a high sex drive. I haven’t even  _ thought  _ about it. My hands are never down there, and I never have tried to do anything else. I guess I’m just… lonely. I had Jasper at one point sure, but after she left, I don’t think I haven’t been the same. When the news came about Mary and Nancy leaving, the news about Charlotte… it’s just been a lot to take in. I have to know all that next to knowing Pearl and Steven are probably never going to be seen again, Greg too, I had caused a fucking fire… I was tired before, but now I’m  _ over _ tired. There’s some days where I don’t want to get out of bed, and god I am  _ horrible  _ at keeping up with my own hygiene. I let my hair go oily some days, even if it’s disgusting.

You know, I’m starting to think I’m a bad person. And when there’s a bad person, often in stories, they have to be stopped. Sometimes killed, to stop them from ruining more things. But I’m not suicidal, at least not right now, I’m just… so fucking tired. I’m exhausted. I get lots of sleep and yet I’m always yawning in my first class. If anybody willingly wanted to kill me, I mean… I wouldn’t stop them...

After classes, I sat down in the usual spot that Peridot and I liked to sit. Well, our current spot is under a tree in the grass in the quad. And unless someone else takes over this spot too, hopefully this can stay ours for a bit. I didn’t get much to eat. All I got was a carton of milk and a simple very plain sandwich. Peridot on the other hand looked like she got a full meal when she finally found me. I watched as she sat down, and she put her tray on the ground. I moved it a little, keeping it away from the ants on the ground.

… Peridot is a bit more quiet than usual. She’s usually chatty. Something is up and it intrigues me. I can’t shake my head off it.

I watched her eat some of her food, then I decided to confront her. “So. What’s going on?” I finally asked her, never taking my stare off of her. She knows something, and dammit, she won’t tell me.

Peridot gave me a puzzled expression.

“You’re quiet,” I elaborated. “You’ve got something bothering you, right? Or am I crazy?”

“Sorry- I-... I’ve been busy,” Peridot said.

_ … Yeah right. You’re a bad liar. _

“With what?” I pressed.

“Studying…” Peridot leaned back against the tree.

I blinked, unconvinced. “Mm.” I gave her a sort of  _ I doubt it _ tone. “Is it because of yesterday?”

Peridot tensed, and went full on silent.

_ Bingo. _

“Peridot, I’m fine,” I told her. “It was just-“

“You were… you were saying all these things yesterday after your audition,” Peridot broke, “and before that- I… I got scared… Are you okay? Do you need help?”

“What? No!” I denied.

“I think you need help!”

“Peridot, you’re overreacting.”

“I am not! Lapis, yesterday you were sobbing, and you were saying things- I got scared and I ran off instead of helping you-!” Peridot stopped eating. “You need someone to help you! A therapist! Or… something!”

“I don’t need a therapist.” Even though I fucking do.

“ _ We  _ need a therapist!” Peridot corrected me.

_ … Touché. _

“... It was just a bad day for me,” I sighed.

“One of  _ many  _ bad days,” Peridot mumbled. 

“Look, you’re right, okay? We need therapy, but-“

“I don’t want to keep doing this! Lapis, I want to get better!”

“So do I.”

“So why do you hesitate?” Peridot challenged me.

_ … I don’t know. _

I laid my hands in my lap. I didn’t say anything back.

_ I guess I just don’t want to be a burden, or I just… worry that what if all the effort is for nothing? Or what if it worsens things? _

_ Shouldn’t I at least try though? Unless I make the change, nothing is going to happen. Nothing is going to get better or anything unless I do something. _

_ You need to do something, Lapis. And you need to do it now before it gets worse.  _

_ You need to at least try. Stop playing victim, and get up or you’re going to repeat your yesterday. _

* * *

  
  
  


…

I did it. I actually did it. I looked into local therapists, and how much it’d cost on average. With Charlotte out of the picture for good- at least, as far as I’m aware, however, that means we might have to figure out how to make our own income. There’s only a bit more until we purely have to rely on our own money. So I’d need a job, somehow without any prior work experience, and preferably a place not associated with anything of my past. Maybe local fast food, because that’s a common one. Even if it’s shitty minimum wage and I would have to do many different things at once… money is money. 

I’ll continue looking at therapists later. And the money situation.

I was slowly getting my room back together. I took my remaining things from Peridot’s room back into mine, I cleaned my room a bit, and I flopped onto the couch to wait for my clothes to finish drying in the dryer by the door. I never thought I’d come to enjoy small living spaces like this. 

Pumpkin came by to jump onto my chest, where she decided to sleep there.

“Did you take her outside?” I said loudly, hoping Peridot would hear me wherever she is.

“Who? Pumpkin?” Peridot called back from the bathroom. “Yeah! Thirty minutes ago!”

So I let Pumpkin be. It was about 8:37 PM according to the TV as I browsed some channels, and I was so tired. Nothing caught my interest. We already had a light dinner. I didn’t feel motivated to do anything else. I turned off the TV, and took a nap.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


When I woke up, it was still night. I had… nightmares that I didn’t want to recall. Pumpkin wasn’t on me anymore, so she must’ve migrated sometime while I was asleep.

_ It’s so quiet at night… I like it when it’s like this… _

I couldn’t go back to sleep right now. My mind already was too awake, and I didn’t want to be welcomed back into another nightmare tonight. The entire place was dark, save for a thin light I could see coming from the hall around the corner. I got up, and I investigated. My suspicions proved to be true when I saw the light in Peridot’s room was still on, and she was there on her bed playing a game on her phone.

“... What time is it?” I muttered.

Peridot looked up at me. “Eleven forty six,” she told me.

“... Cool.” I turned around, ready to head into my room. Maybe I could just lie around some more…

“I saw you fell asleep on the couch, so I didn’t want to bother you,” Peridot set down her phone.

“Mm.”

“Do you- are you okay right now?”

“Yeah.”

Peridot stared at me.

I stared back. And for some stupid reason, I stepped into her room. “I’m… just going to watch what you’re doing,” I explained myself, lying down on her bed. I forced myself to forget about my nightmare. 

“Oh- uh, okay. I’m playing this farming simulation game,” Peridot grabbed her phone again. “I’ve been on here for a few hours. It’s probably bad for my eyes, but I can’t put it down and it’s actually engaging. I got a new Holstein cow!”

She started talking some more about her game. I kind of zoned out, mostly from being tired, but I did my best to keep my eyes open and on her phone for as long as I could. Pumpkin was snoring away on one of her pillows, which wasn’t helping when I was doing my best to  _ not  _ fall back asleep. I don’t know what it was, but it was something about being near someone I knew in a calm environment that was helping me go back to sleep when initially I could not. 

… I liked it.

I pressed myself closer to Peridot to see her phone better. I’ll tell her later about money and therapists. For now, I just… like this.


	106. Week Twenty - Lapis, Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis delves further into her current emotional state.
> 
> CW/TW; themes of depression, suicidal thoughts, negative reminiscing on the past

_ If there is a god, so help me find myself. Don’t let me find my path alone, because I am blind, and I will always choose the wrong path. _

_ I stopped smoking. I stopped anything drug related- alcohol related- everything. I gave up on my ‘obsession’ with feeling like I always needed to be armed, I got rid of any knives in my proximity, I accepted that Rose is gone and there is nothing I can do. I broke up with Jasper. I’m more careful about what happens when I get emotional, but then I explode when I keep it all in.  _

_ … I have no idea what kind of person Charlotte is. I think that’s what scares me, because I can… relate with her. What if she’s scared too? What if all the horrible things she did, she did because she believed she was justified, just like me? What if I’m destined to be horrible…? What made her snap? Am I going to snap like she did? I did my best to follow along with the news on Charlotte, but most sources are either biased, or don’t have enough information. I worry about Mary and Nancy, I worry about Steven… and I worry about myself. What if one day, I lose myself again? What if I become that person that tried to make Peridot have sex with her again, or what if I become someone who was holding that knife and threatening Pearl again? I feel like a demon is living inside of me, ready to strike. I’m a corpse of a girl that I used to know, and unless I keep myself caged to protect the people I care about, that shell will crumble, and the snake inside will swallow up everything I know. I best know to keep the wolf inside me muzzled, otherwise it will break free and wreak havoc, tearing limb from limb everything and everybody I love with tear-stained eyes and bloody disguise. _

_ How could somebody like Charlotte, my alleged mother, who seemed genuine and kind, turn out to be so… twisted? What was her purpose? Her strive? Her backstory, her climb into insanity and into the pits beyond saving? What if I go beyond saving just like her? Nobody will pull me out of the dark then. I’d sink, slowly into the madness. Nobody would remember me. I’d die alone, forgotten, washed up on a shore somewhere nobody would ever find just like the Florences. _

_ Please don’t let me die alone, and don’t let me die in vain. All I want to do anymore is keep the people I care about safe. I want to know where they are and what’s happening. I want to know if Steven and I will ever meet again. I want to know if Rose is proud of me, if she is even watching over me… if she is disappointed in me, that is also fine. I wouldn’t be proud of someone who had lost their way either. _

_ Am I good? Am I bad? Am I a good person? Here’s the thing. Don’t make me your moral center or your role model. That means responsibility- something that I don’t want. And besides, if you take my word on what makes you a good or bad person, who’s to say I’m not biased or manipulating you? You need to decide for yourself if you’re a good or bad person. And if you are bad, then… change yourself. Become a good person. So take that advice, and apply it to me. I… have trouble applying it to myself. _

_ But how can I become good, when I have done the most sinful and irredeemable things? I am a good person when I am a good person. Do I have evil in me? Yes. Or at least, I have the potential to do evil. Have I done bad things in my past? Yes. I know I am a good person. But I struggle with my conscience. I beat myself up for a mistake I made in the past. … Correction, mistakes. Again, and again, and again… am I a bad person? No. Am I a good person? No. So, then am I a bad person? If the answer is no, that means I’m a good person. I am not, but I know I am not a bad person. Yet, I am a bad person. _

_ I like to put myself this way, like a character from a book; They suffer from a severe identity crisis. They don’t know who they are. Whatever they do, no matter what they identify as, no matter what name they go by, someone will put them down, and that mindset of never being able to impress someone or make someone proud of their work will beat them harder than a flood of compliments. They worry, they fret, and because of their fear, they do horrible things in the name of the most innocent things. That’s just how they were born, cursed with so much determination and strife. They live constantly questioning who they are to the point they wish they were nothing, and wish that they never did anything at all so that nobody would know they existed at all. Their life is full of a state of being stuck. They don’t know what they want or how to make it better. They always make things worse in hopes of making it better. They just… exist, even when they didn’t want to. If they dared try to protect their beloved again, they’d only falter, and they’d slip. They’d sink. They’d drown. They’d die. _

_ I’d die. _

_ I’d die. _

_ … As if that makes a difference. I’m already on death row, aren’t I? I’m just waiting for the final decision to be made by people no longer here. They’ll judge me, and I know they’ll judge me well. Rose and the Florences… to the people who were there, and are no longer here, I accept whatever fate you give me. Let me rest. Let me plead. But above all, have mercy and know all that I did was either wrong or misguided. Please forgive me, if not dismiss me. Show me what I need to do to redeem myself, because I’m blind and I can’t find the light. _

I reread the paper at least three times now. I had written this all recently, and geez, could I make it sound even more like I’m doing this for attention?! It’s a stupid paper with no meaning, just something I did when I couldn’t sleep this week to get my feelings out. The paper was the most boring thing ever. There were no paintings, no art, just my handwriting all messy and rushed because it matched my feelings as they spilled onto the paper. It sounds like a suicide note, I know, but I swear that it isn’t.

I glanced over at some other papers I had written recently, some of which were songs or poems I had been working on. More ways to get my frustrations and feelings out of course in incognito, nonviolent ways. One of my favorites was one I had written while thinking primarily of Jasper and Charlotte, which I had molded into this singular fictional character as the opposing force in this piece;

_ I want you to die, but would that be right? _

_ I hate you so much that I want to see you suffer, my humanity and sympathy, slowly they’ll buffer, _

_ I see memories of your face in moving screens and lines, they won’t go away with years of passing time, _

_ I see a piece of you and I falter, I hear you and I ponder; _

_ Should I live in fear with this lesson I’ve learned? _

_ Should I live in fear, should I live in fear, _ _   
_ _ Or shall I see what else I need to hear? _

_ I’ve made up my mind, I’ve freed myself from your bind, _

_ Never going back, never going back, _

_ The good road ahead of me is what you’ll lack, _

_ When I return, I’ll be brand new, _

_ A white unicorn, so serene, so beautiful, _

_ Virgin pure unlike the girl you once knew, _

_ I’ll never return to the old usual, _

_ This is my life, I’ve let go of my strife,  _

_ And with you gone, I finally release my knife. _

It’s more of a hopeful wish in the last few verses. I want to get better deep down I’m sure, I’m just… a little scared.

As for what to do with these papers… I’m not sure. I’ve been saving them for now, hiding them from Peridot… I could bring them to a therapist once I get that all sorted out to see what they think. But to have someone see into my mind  _ that  _ personally? It unnerves me. I know I need the help, I do, I know, but it just…

… I guess I’m afraid of letting people look into my world, and then they back up when they see something in it that they don’t like. They’d abandon me, see me as a freak, or see something that they don’t understand. Maybe they see me in all my vulnerability, and have the smarts to leave while they can.

But Peridot… she didn’t. She didn’t leave, neither did she seem to make any attempt to leave as soon as she could.

_ How come you didn’t leave? After all I have done to you? How come you still stick around, and even encourage me to become better? Haven’t you seen the worst in me? _

_ Aren’t you terrified of what I could do next? _

_ Why do you insist that I become better, even after you’ve seen the worst?  _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


When Saturday rolled around, I was glad to know that I could rest for a bit longer. No homework, no classwork… it’s time for self reflection and asking for judgement. Audition results get released next week, Halloween is also next week… I sent a few applications to local fast food places because fuck, we need money. I could take some night shifts or something, and I’m the adult so I… have to be responsible.

I got sick of the oily hair- my fault, since I’m also horrible at personal hygiene upkeep right now, and as sad as I was to chop off my blue hair, I got a buzz cut to help me deal with my hair problems. It’s not to the point that I appear bald or whatever, but just my sides shaved, my back shaved, and the top left a bit longer than my shaved sides. It was rather still a bit blue on the top, which made this gradual fade into color from my natural hair color. Peridot was surprised to say the least when I came back home with it.

“YOU- OH MY GOSH,” Peridot ran up to me.

“What? You don’t like it?” I frowned, taken aback by the reaction.

Peridot stared at me. Then, she clapped her hands. “I… I LOVE it!! Can I get my hair like that too?!”

“Um… you’d lose your colored tips if you do,” I warned her.

“It’s all in good sacrifice,” Peridot laughed, reaching out to touch my hair. I slightly bent down so that she could touch the top of my head. She ran her hand over my hair a few times before backing away. “Whoa… that has to be easy to take care of, right? And breathable? Isn’t your head going to be cold? It’s going to be winter! You can wear a hat!”

“Psh. Beach City doesn’t get too cold,” I shrugged off. Yeah, it snows in the winter, but it’s a good kind of snow. My head could use some air now and then.

I haven’t really stayed in touch with Jasper since our split. I hope she’s doing okay. Even if we… weren’t exactly a good couple in our moments here and there during our relationship… I truly do wish the best for her. It took me a while to compose my feelings and get my act together, but… I hope she’s okay. Mary and Nancy too, I hope they’re doing alright. Steven… Greg… Pearl… Gosh, Bismuth…

Bismuth…

What if I visited her one day? Surely, she’s not wrapped up in any mess… What if she wants to see me? What if she can tell me if Pearl is okay? Or what if she’s better off without me there to make her life worse? 

Life is a box of snakes I’m too scared to open.

I decided to pay Peridot another visit in her room to watch her play her farm game. I had gotten that Life is Strange prequel too while I had been out to get my haircut, and we agreed to play it later. For now, just this simple quiet is enough. 

“Would you be okay here if I got a job?” I asked Peridot after she had finished farming her digital crops.

“What do you mean?”

“I’d be gone for a while after school. Five hours maybe tops or six. Part time job. You’d be here by yourself.”

“I have Pumpkin! She’ll be here to protect me.”

“So you’ll be fine?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Part of me wanted to ask if she’d be fine if I was gone entirely, but of course I held my tongue. I can’t be an attention seeker, or whatever people call it when you’re gouging interest. Besides, I don’t want to die. I don’t. I just… don’t want to be  _ me. _

I watched Peridot play her game for a while longer, finding it easier to get tired as I stayed in her company.


	107. Week Twenty One - Peridot, Halloween Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot spend their Halloween watching movies. Unfortunately, emotional distress also exists.

“Lapis, look!” I waved my hands to get her attention.

“No.”

“Lapis. Lapis. Look at me.”

“... Why?”

“I’m a walrus.” I popped the two candy corn pieces into my mouth, using the candy that Lapis had gotten from the cafeteria to entertain myself. 

Lapis looked at me. She held a very nonchalant facial expression, then broke into laughter, which she tried to hide behind her hand. 

“I got you!” I pointed at her, proud of my accomplishment. “Walrus Peridot wins again!”

“You keep doing that,” Lapis commented, setting up a Halloween movie for us to watch.

“And everytime I do it, it catches you off guard and makes you laugh,” I grinned. I ate the candy corn before I joined Lapis on the couch. We agreed just to stay up late and watch some movies, as trick or treating would be tough right now. Besides, I don’t want to go to a party! I like spending time with Lapis! Oh, and Pumpkin. She got so fluffy that we find so much hairs on the furniture no matter how many baths we gave her!

“How about…  _ Hocus Pocus?”  _ Lapis suggested.

“A what?” I made a confused face, scrunching up my nose.

Lapis stared hard at me. “... You need to watch this,” she decided, clicking on the program.

“What’s a Hocus-“

“It’s about three witches who come back on Halloween because of a curse. These kids have to stop them before they take the souls of the other kids.”

“... Wh-“

“It’s a good movie,” Lapis interrupted me. “Trust me.”

“How do you know?”

Lapis shrugged, then gave a pained look.

I understood. “... Oh.”

_ I really should be careful about what I say sometimes. She saw this with Steven before, right? Is that why she looked at me like that? _

I said nothing more after that. Knowing that Lapis is or could be upset… I didn’t want to make it worse. I watched the movie in silence with her, occasionally only breaking the silence to laugh at something or make an observation or theory. 

It was a good movie after all not gonna lie. The three witches were probably my favorite characters out of the entire cast. Especially that red haired one- Winifred? She was a hoot! A holler! A joy to watch on screen! Her actor did amazing!

We watched another Halloween movie after it ended, one called  _ Ginger Snaps.  _ It was way more gorey and less humorous than  _ Hocus Pocus.  _ I found myself blankly staring at the screen wondering what the hell was happening. 

“... What-...” I gripped my head, watching the current scene with great interest. “Wait. Okay, she’s a werewolf, oh god she’s turning into a werewolf-“

“It gets worse,” Lapis smiled at me.

“HOW?! HER SISTER IS A WEREWOLF- oh my gosh,” I was on the edge of my seat. 

It was so dark in the dorm after that movie ended. My mouth was wide open with disbelief at what I had watched. “Okay… that… THAT was pretty amazing,” I finally spoke again. “Holy…. WOW.”

“Her sister had to kill her after all,” Lapis recapped what we had seen. “It’s horrible.”

“AND ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY HAD THIS SISTERLY BOND- WHEN SHE KILLED GINGER-... The werewolf could use some better special effects, but…” I was  _ fascinated. _

None of us bothered with turning on any lights, so we remained where we were finding another movie to watch. Pumpkin fell asleep in my lap, shedding all over my poor black pants. 

“Any ideas on what to watch next?” Lapis questioned. “I’m thinking about Corpse _ Bride.” _

I shook my head. “Not really… I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“Oh. Fuck, you’re right. I’m sorry-“

I got concerned immediately at Lapis’ response. “Uh- you don’t need to apologize. I mean-! I mean, it’s not like you were the one that wanted to perform lobotomy on me,” I chuckled.

Lapis laid down.

I stopped laughing. Did I make a joke wrong?

“Doesn’t that bother you?” Lapis murmured. “Knowing that if you ever went back to her, she would…”

“Why would I go back?” I rebutted.

“I’m not saying you would. I’m saying it as an if.”

“Again, why would I?”

“Because she’s your mother,” Lapis explained, “and mothers…” She ran a hand through her very short hair, sitting back up. “... Nevermind. You’re right. Mothers suck. Even if they’re a part of you, forget them.”

“Rose didn’t suck!” I defended, assuming who she was talking about. 

“Not her! Charlotte!” Lapis hissed at me. “Rose wasn’t my real mother. She doesn’t count.”

I felt dumb. “But- but she still loved you like she was one, didn’t she?” I asked. I know that Lapis had a good relationship with Rose. Otherwise, why would she have been so upset when…?

“Rose is dead,” Lapis coldly shut down.

“Sure, but her memories aren’t,” I pointed out. And I definitely still remember when she taught me how to ride a horse!

“What do you know? You’re a fucking Diamond,” Lapis spat. “Your mother was there when they took us into a court-“

I froze. “H-Huh?”

“You heard me! You’re a Diamond! You’re one of  _ them!  _ The people who took my family away and-!” Lapis raised a hand, then she inhaled a deep breath. Her hand slowly lowered. 

I refused to look away. I backed up a little from her on the couch. “Technically… no,” I quietly said. “That last name is only for the elite. I’m a Price, Peridot Price…” I scratched my head.

“Excuse me?” Lapis scoffed.

“It’s true! That last name is reserved only for the women who earn it. My mother earned it, and I won’t ever make her proud, so I’ll be stuck as a miserable Price. I don’t know if it was my mother’s previous last name or if it’s a random one to serve as placeholder until I earn the Diamond name, but-“

“Earn-? What?” Lapis was growing confused by the information I presented her with.

“It’s complicated,” I decided to leave it at that. “But… Lapis? I never…  _ never  _ want to be anything like my mother was.” My head shifted downward. “When I told her off, I felt so happy that I finally can stretch out and breathe-! I felt… I felt  _ alive _ !! If being a Diamond means I get to make other people feel… trapped, or like they’d get a lobotomy if they don’t feel like they’re right… I never want to be that!” I puffed out my chest rather angrily. “So don’t call me a Diamond, because it means that I put people in pain too!” I shakily clenched my hands into fists. “I don’t know why I didn’t try to leave earlier, I guess I was just so… scared? And my mom was all I had-... it’s hard to leave when it’s all you have or all you know. My mom was the only person I knew inside and out for like my entire life! Do you know how it feels when she ties your hands together because you messed up, and you go to sleep knowing you disappointed her?! I hated it! I hated it! I hated it!” My eyes felt weird. “I wanted to… I wanted to- to wish I was never born! I’m never going to make her proud, I’m never going to make her at least smile at me, and I’m never going to be a Diamond! So if you want to randomly get mad at me, go ahead, but I’m not what you think I am! I’m not a Diamond!” I picked up Pumpkin, taking her with me as I retreated to my room and shut my door behind myself.

I don’t know why Lapis suddenly got emotional like that, but heck me too! I got emotional too! Ugh!! I hate emotions!! I hate them, I hate them!! Gah!!!

But isn’t it also my fault for bringing up moms?

Ugh…

Empathy without boundaries… is it self destruction?

Pumpkin was bothered by the fact that she had been woken up, and she curled herself up on my pillow to resume her slumber. I on the other hand sulked on my bed, pulling at my hair. 

I’m not a Diamond. And I’ll never be a Diamond. And whether my last name is a pun because my existence comes with a price or I’m some sort of price to pay, I don’t care. I’m Peridot, and that’s that. 

The only thing is though… Lapis was right that my mother is a Diamond. And Diamonds… they destroy things. They’ll even destroy their own children… If my mother is a Diamond, her blood runs inside my veins. I have the same features as my mother if not all, and initially the same goal, which was to become a Diamond.

Why did Lapis want to pick a fight with me? Why is she still bitter about…

… Oh.

Yeah, she’s been through a lot… But I helped her, didn’t I? I saved her once! I helped her and Steven walk hundreds of miles! I’m a part of the gang too! I’m not like my mother! I’m not! If I was, then shoot me now, darn it!! 

I was about to go to bed all bitter myself until my door creaked open. I didn’t bother, simply ignoring it. 

Unfortunately, the very person who opened my door also came to my bed and sat on it. I still ignored Lapis. Let’s see how she likes it!

“... I’m sorry,” Lapis began.

I continued to ignore her, saying absolutely nothing and giving no indication of acknowledging her.

“... You’re not a Diamond. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

Hmm, a bit better. But I’m still mad.

“I was just… so upset. And you’re the only thing right now I was able to take my anger out on. Partly because of who your mother is, but… Peridot, you’re not like your mom at all.”

I’m listening…

“I shouldn’t have shouted at you because of who your mother is. If you want, you can go ahead and shout at me for who mine is,” Lapis offered.

I curiously looked over at her. I raised a brow. “... Why?” I finally spoke. “Rose was a good mother to you I bet.”

“No! Rose isn't-“ Lapis paused, catching on to what I was indicating. “... Okay. Yeah, Rose was a pretty good mom.”

“Sure you may be related to Charlotte by blood, but that doesn’t automatically make her a  _ mom _ ,” I snorted. “Family can be related to you all they want, but their blood isn’t as important than the bonds and experiences made with people who are more loyal and compatible with you than sucky moms.” 

“Mm. I guess you’re right.”

“So are you going to keep beating yourself up about it, or…?”

“It’s just… hard,” Lapis admitted. “What if I become just like Charlotte?” She buried her face into her hands.

“ _ Are _ you going to become like Charlotte?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Then you won’t,” I said. 

“How do you know for sure?”

“Look at me! Do I seem like my mom? I hope not! Because I didn’t want to become her, so I didn’t!” I sat up more properly, scooting next to Lapis. “See? You’re in control of your own life. You get to decide what or who you turn out to be.”


	108. Week Twenty Two - Peridot, Early Sunday Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot doesn’t know whether to confront her reoccurring nightmares or not, and once again starts to sort of doubt herself.
> 
> TW/CW: themes of past abuse, depression, self worth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // The first part of this chapter is a dream sequence.

_No matter where I go, who I become, or what I become, in the end? I’ll always be a Diamond. I’ll always be my mother’s daughter, and I’ll always be a part of the family. In a family, you have the simple setup. A mom, a dad, even if one or more of those are absent, the children, and the ancestors. The ancestors were once mothers and fathers themselves, and they decided to get together and spread their genetics from physical attributes to birthing new environmental disasters. Those branches start making new branches, and so on and so forth. It’s a tree because the roots and branches start to literally branch off. You can remove yourself from that tree all you want, but then you’ll die. Ever wonder why when you break a plant, that part doesn’t grow back, it just turns brown, shrivels up, and dies? That’s what happens when you pluck yourself off your own family tree. Normally, I mean, that’s what happens. Wow, that sounded super dark. I’m trying out a new edgy vibe- I was kinda influenced from that one Life is Strange character- Chloe! She reminds me of Lapis. … A lot. I think it went well. Back onto what I was saying though, no edginess this time, I found my own watering can! Me!_

_I know what I told Lapis, I know!! I know…_

_But… now I’m worrying about my own…_

_I’m in control of my own life, and I get to control who I become._

_But for how long?_ _  
_ _  
_ _I’m going to be a good person. I’m going to be better than my mother! I’m going to be ME!_

_But for how long > _

_Oh gosh… Lapis, why did you do this to me…? Now I’m the one worried…_

_How long is my watering can going to last? I think they run out after a while and then you gotta go get more water…_

_I stopped when someone put their hand on my shoulder. I felt sick. I stared at the void of black all around me, but I didn’t look behind me. I knew what was waiting for me if I ever looked._

_I finally moved my eyes, staring down at my hands. I couldn’t make out the lines and everything was super squiggly._

_“What’s going to happen when this charade of yours is over?” My mother asked me._

_I gulped. Lapis was right though... I’m still my mom’s daughter._

_“You can’t stay with this girl forever.”_

_I’m gonna try! Lapis and I are like best friends now, right?_

_“She’s pitying you.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _I… don’t have a response for that…_

_“Who would want to be friends with a disabled child anyway? There are so many opportunities for her to find abled people to become friends. Like that one boy she talked about? You’re out of the picture, Peridot. You’re only being a burden.”_

_I said nothing._

_My mother lifted my chin up. “Just come back and turn yourself in. Come back to the life you’ve always known. Come home, and it will all be better.”_

_I don’t want to-! It won’t be better-!_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Peridot?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _I shivered._

_“I love you.”_   
  
I’m never going to actually hear that from her, am I…?

…

No.

I rubbed my shoulder as I got up from my bed. My heart was racing like how it normally does when I get nightmares, and my body is so hot too. I think I’m sweating? Ugh, this is annoying! I left my bed, making sure to leave quietly so that Pumpkin could keep sleeping. I can’t help but keep rubbing my hands together… I know there’s no band or anything that’s keeping them together, but… but…

I stepped into the bathroom and turned on the light. I stared at myself in the mirror, getting a grip back on reality. I splashed some cold water on my face before I took some deep breaths.

What was that grounding technique Lapis taught me before? It’s grounding, right? Uh… something I can smell… taste… touch… 

_I look so much like my mom though… the hair if it wasn’t all styled and dyed… the face shape here and there in certain places… I hate genetics!! WHY CAN’T I JUST CHOOSE HOW I LOOK?! Look at this!! Look at me!! I’m too plump here and my ears look horrible, the bridge of my nose is sloppy, my lips are-!_

“- What are you d-“

“AAA!” I was startled by Lapis’ sudden appearance, almost hitting my elbow on the bathroom counter. 

“Shit- what are you doing?” Lapis asked me, noticing that I had almost thwacked myself.

“Uh…” I struggled, searching for an excuse. “Peeing.”

“In the sink?”

“NO-“ I slowly rocked my arms back and forth.

“On the floor? Peridot, you’re nowhere near the toilet right now.”

“That’s because… because I finished and now I'm washing my han- Why are- why why are you in here?” I questioned, stammering.

“The bathroom light is literally shining into my room,” Lapis informed me. “I told you last time to at least close the door.”

“... Oh. Crap- right, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-“

“It’s fine. Just… remember that next time.” Lapis turned away, heading back to her room.

I blinked, realizing something. “Your door was closed,” I recalled. Yeah I was in panic mode but I know for a FACT that Lapis’ door was closed when I had made my mad dash to the bathroom, and that’s why I felt like I didn’t need to close the bathroom door. That means she had seen the light from _under_ the door and- “Are you… checking up on me?”

“Go to sleep.” Lapis hurried back into her room.

_Does… does she care about me enough to actually worry about me like that? To worry about me in general? Was she even asleep? I don’t think she was asleep otherwise how the heck did she see the light under her door?_

_… I am not going back to my mom, and I’m never going to be like my mom._

_I worry though… What if Lapis eventually gets fed up with me or something? What if she actually does leave me for somebody better?_

_… I’m not worth it. I’m not good enough for her. Agh… I hate bad dreams… they make me doubt myself… Even when I know that I am worth it- I’m worth the fight clawing to see a new day- but now I’m worried..._


	109. Week Twenty Two - Lapis, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Lapis’ inner dabbles.

_ “You’re in control of your own life. You get to decide what or who you turn out to be.” _

I stared at the results for the play, lucky that I don’t burn holes into the paper with my stare.

_ Adult Nala — Lapis  _

I didn’t even look at my last name. Just my first name, and I was proud of it.

_ Steven would’ve loved to see this. _

“I still can't get over that hair,” Jamie commented from beside me.

I blinked, having forgotten about him being there as we had come to see the results together. “... What? You don’t… like it?” I worried.

“Lapis, I love it! It’s got its own personality,” Jamie assured me.

_ Hair having a personality. Yup, I’m going insane. _

I snorted. “Hair can’t have a personality.”

“It’s anthropomorphism,” Jamie explained, “giving human attributes to nonhuman things.”

“Huh. I would’ve thought it’s personification…”

Jamie blushed. “We can say that we are both right in our ways,” he said. “How’s the shorter hair going for you? I bet that it’s easier to wash for sure.”

_ Or not wash it at all if I can get away with it. _

I nodded. “Do I seem too...?”

“Magnificent?”

“No,  _ emo _ ? Is that the word?” I whispered.

“If you’d like to categorize yourself with such a theme, I can call it emo,” Jamie offered.

_ … Peridot does it better, the cute replying thing... _

_ Why the fuck am I even-. _

_ Ugh. _

Peridot gave me quite the serious talk last week. She’s right. And I was wrong to just… blow up on her. She’s not a Diamond as in being someone horrible, because she’s someone who is actually…

Actually…

…  _ Amazing? Nice? Not cruel? Doesn’t take away your younger brother or adopted family? _

She’s Peridot. And she and I… we’ve come a long way. We’ve been through so much that it’s like someone can write a book or make a movie about our lives or something, and even if they made it overdramatic or absolutely unbelievable, nobody can tell. It’s our sincere story. It’s our lives.

I guess… It's what we do with our lives that matters most though.

I got Peridot this squishy ball thing from some chemistry student that didn’t want it anymore. It was a weird exchange honestly. I was walking to my next class and this girl asked me if I wanted it. I said sure. Why not? I think it’s some kind of… what’s it called… a stim toy? 

Why is this actually a little bit comforting? I started squeezing it myself and… wow. It’s soft…? I couldn’t help but squeeze it a bit more as I walked back to my dorm after today’s classes. I gave it to Peridot before I started making dinner, and I gave Pumpkin some fresh water and food.

_ Maybe I just need something to punch or squeeze when I get mad. _

But do I even feel mad? Upset? Sad? These emotions are messing with me. I’m just… scared, of what could possibly happen next. It’s nice to have people that you can feel safe around with in times like this. There’s so much uncertainty… so much fog in my head… I’ve written out a few more poems and it’s helped me try and understand the root of my complexity. Maybe I’m just frustrated at everybody, or frustrated that whatever happens in my life  _ can  _ also be out of my control. I won’t be like Charlotte. But, people can influence me to become like her or not worse.

I stayed in touch with Mary and Nancy- I don’t know whether out of pity or sincere worry. We’ve established a middle ground and have made a stable relationship not saying much but just checking on each other now and again. Even if we aren’t fully blood, they do make good talking partners. Mary likes to tell me what’s going on and all sorts of theories she has about Charlotte. Earlier, she mentioned that maybe Charlotte snapped after finding out that she could lose all her fortune if she wasn’t careful. Her inheritance included the property and everything. Maybe Charlotte was just afraid of dying and losing control over her belongings. Or maybe Charlotte  _ is  _ just batshit crazy after all and there’s no hope saving her. She’s drowning in her own waters. She abused her own kids after all. I don’t know if I can ever forgive that. She seemed nice from the start- I  _ knew  _ that it seemed  _ too  _ nice. Abusers can be anybody, everybody, even those who hide curling fangs behind gentle smiles.

… As for the cruise ship… I’m fucking upset that I’m never going to honestly know the truth. Did Charlotte truly sabotage it? Why else would I be the only survivor? … Turns out I’m not. Mary found an article that states someone else had survived, and two years ago had came out with their tale. Should I feel comforted by this? Their story matches up. They knew the exact details of the ship, the layout, what had happened during the sinking… It’s someone else like  _ me. _ And if someone else has also survived, who is to say there aren't more survivors just in hiding, too traumatized or too afraid to go back to their past? Should I feel assured knowing that no, I wasn’t the only one to survive after all? All this time, I thought it was impossible, and now it seems plausible. It was sheer determination that I got out alive. It was sheer grief that I was the only one noticed as a survivor right away, trying to find the Florences on that beach everyday until someone grew concerned and called it in.

… If I hadn’t survived, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would’ve never met Steven or the Universes, I never would’ve met Pumpkin or Peridot… Jasper… Jamie…

_ Had the Florences planned this for me? Was this my fate, to get where I am now? _

I don’t believe in a plan from some sort of other world or upper hand man, but what if this was fate? Destiny? What would’ve happened had the Florences survived too or had I never been on that cruise ship?

To think this all started with a damn ship…


	110. Week Twenty Two - Peridot, Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot encounters some not-so-good aspects of school, and does her best to help Lapis.
> 
> CW: topics/talk about bullying, slight past abuse, menstruation

“- She had a breakdown and  _ yet  _ gets the role. What if she has another on stage? She’s going to ruin this!”

I paused for a second, eavesdropping on the group of girls in the busy hallway. 

“Aww, you should’ve gotten the role instead, Sodie.”

“Damn right I should’ve! Lapis isn’t even special. Anybody could have sang like her! I know I did! But I did it better and without a dramatic breakdown! She did it for pity points!”

“... You sang like a boring bird,” I muttered, recalling the stranger’s tryout before Lapis had gone on stage during tryouts.

“EXCUSE ME?” The main girl of the group turned to glare at me.

_ … Crap. Did I say that too loud? _

I stared at the group of girls, nervous sweat rolling down my face. 

_ …. Um. Hi. _

I slowly backed away, flashing a shaky smile.

“I know you… you’re Lapis’ bitch,” another girl pointed at me.

“You’re rude,” I huffed. “She’s my  _ roommate _ .”

“Yeah. Her bitch,” the girl hissed. “Sodalite, that’s the weird girl.”

“ _ That’s  _ her?” 

_ … I’m so confused. _

“Aww… I’ll let it slide this time. You’re just confused on what good singing actually is,” the main girl mocked me.

“No I’m not. You sang fake,” I puffed out my chest. “Unlike Lapis who sings with fluid emotion and correlation, you sang like you had a sore throat and ignored everything that makes a song good.”

Sodalite- I think that’s what they said her name was right?- stepped towards me. 

I shied away.

“You can stop sucking Lapis’ dick now,” Sodalite warned me.

“Don’t choke on it,” another girl laughed.

I was about to say something but I was pushed aside and the girls walked past me laughing amongst themselves. I reluctantly continued on to my next class, grumbling under my breath.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“She was rude to me, awful to me- she’s a stuck up, no good, cloddy son of a nunimbiscuit-!” Of course I’m gonna rant to Lapis as soon as I was back in our living quarters!!

“ _ Nunimbiscuit?”  _ Lapis snorted. “What’s that?”

I shrugged, petting Pumpkin as she lay in my lap. “She’s a clod,” I put it bluntly. “Who does she think she is- prancing around with her silly pack of females and saying that you can’t sing?!”

“Did she touch you?”

“No…”

“So she was just… talking crap?”

I nodded. “She’s irritating!” I let out a breathy exhale through my nose. Pumpkin shared my mood with a sigh.

“What did she look like?” Lapis asked.

“Tall, straight black hair, pale-“

“... Eugh. Sodalite.”

“Yeah!! Do you know her?”

“She’s a pain all right… part of the theatre class…”

At least both Lapis and I can agree that this Sodalite girl and her friends mean bad business. I would stub her toes if I could.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Later that night, I… had trouble sleeping. I tended to my crops on my game, and I… I guess I can’t shake off what that girl said. Weird girl? Pah! She’s the weird one! All of them are stupid… and dumb… they don’t know what they’re talking about and they’re just super jealous of Lapis…

I’m not weird, I’m me! And if they don’t like that then hmph! 

… The problem is though, that’s what led me to go to that horse therapy center in the first place. And the medications, the various screenings and appointments… It’s the reason why my mother never saw me as a human being, but a machine. It was like I had a defect or some sort of broken code, and she deemed herself determined to fix it. How can you fix something that doesn’t need fixing though? There’s no wires or gas compartments! It’s me in the flesh! 

But if Lapis eventually gets fed up with me… tired of me… I don’t know where to go or what to do… my mother if she finds me will scrabble my brains, and I’m pretty sure that if anybody knew who I was, they’d turn me in to her for a reward.

I set down my phone, no longer interested in my crops and animals.

I blankly stared at my wall. I don’t know how long I did so, but I did so for quite a while before I heard something thump on the wall.

_ Lapis? _

Curiously, I checked the time. 

_ Only 9:34 PM… hmm… maybe she’s taking a shower. _

And that was followed by the sound of someone… vomiting. 

_ … Maybe she’s not taking a shower. _

I went into panic mode, almost tripping over my own feet. Is Lapis okay?! SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS SPITTING OUT HER ORGANS I DO NOT THINK THAT SHE IS OKAY!!!

Pumpkin was dazed as I left my room then nearly rammed into the bathroom door. Oops. I corrected myself, and opened the door. 

_ …. Yeah, she is NOT okay. _

Lapis was sitting by the toilet, her face all hot and sweaty and she was sitting in this super weird position like she was trying to curl up into a ball against the wall. She was in just a bra and her pants- um… is it rude to stare? I blinked, unable to think of anything to say.

“... Hey,” Lapis weakly waved at me.

That’s when all my words came colliding out of me. “WH- LA- WHAT ON- LAPIS? ARE YOU OKAY?!” I fretted. I almost slipped  _ again  _ as I made my way toward her. Should I touch her?! Why is she throwing up?! IS SHE OKAY OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH-.

“... Cramps,” Lapis informed me. “Nothing special.”

_ Cramps?! Like… like period-?! Is this normal?! _

“Okay- okay, stay there I’m gonna I’m gonna-“ my words were very  _ everywhere  _ as I fetched my phone and returned. 

_ Throwing up… menstruation and nausea… _

“Uh- dysmenorrhea-... prostaglandins… stay hydrated and over the counter medicine… can you stand?! Lapis, can you stand?!” I asked her while reading off my phone’s search results. “Are- are you dizzy?!”

“I can’t stand…” Lapis said. “Sorry.”

“What else?!”

“... I’m gonna sit here for a bit…”

I huffed. “Lapis! This is serious!! What’s your symptoms!!!”

“Look, I’m not pregnant and I’m not sick if that’s what you’re asking,” Lapis coughed. “It’s literally just cramps.”

“When was your last period?”

“It’s all over the place. I’m  _ stressed _ .”

“What’s your symptoms?!” I tried asking again. 

“Eh… hot flashes… nausea… I’m kind of having trouble breathing…”

“I think you need a doctor,” I chewed on my fingertips nervously. “I’m gonna call a do-“

“You can’t do that,” Lapis sternly spoke up.

“YOU’RE IN PAIN!”

“And if I go to the doctor, they’ll find out who I am. Who  _ we  _ are,” Lapis groaned. “Peridot, we could get…”

I frowned. “... But, you need help.”

“I’ll be fine. I just need some ibuprofen.” Lapis’ body flinched, and she leaned over to hurl into the toilet. I gagged, stepping back a bit. “... Good thing my hair’s shorter, huh?”

“Meh.” I wasn’t too fond of small talk right now. I’m… I’m too… worried-! “Do you… uh- have pads or… something?”

“Duh.”

“Okay…” I wasn’t too assured. Seeing Lapis like this is…  _ unnerving _ , to say the least. As she stayed hunched over the toilet, I spotted something on her back.

_ Is that… the birthmark she mentioned once? _

I can see that it’s darker colored than the rest of her skin, and it’s perfectly in the center of her shoulder blades. It's fat at the bottom and goes up into a thin point. Kinda like a small teardrop shape if I had to make a comparison. Why can’t I have a cool birthmark like that?

“... Why are you touching me?” Lapis suddenly said.

… Oh. I quickly moved my hand away. I didn’t even realize that I had gravitated back to her and touched her birthmark!!! Honest!!!! My face feels all hot. “S-support,” I blurted. “Supporting you. Unless you don’t want my physical assurance, then I can back off.”

Lapis gave me a look like she doubted what I said. But, luckily she didn’t question it any farther. She sighed, clutching her lower abdomen. “... What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. Your… cycles.”

I scratched my head. “Um… honestly, I don’t know when my last one was…”

“Well that’s concerning.”

“Maybe it’s stress too!” I cleared my throat. “Or maybe my cycle is still regulating- at least I’m cramp-free for a while.”

“I wish I had your life then,” Lapis laughed. “Ugh… Rose used to always make me hot chocolate when I felt shitty like this. Warm stuff helps.”

“Ooh! I can get a water bottle and put it in the microwave!”

“Knock yourself out.”

I will!! I puffed out my cheeks. “Are you going to school tomorrow? You shouldn’t- if you’re in that much pain-“

“No. I’m not going.”

“Okay, good.” I felt a tiny bit better now. It’s still upsetting though to see Lapis like this… I did my best to be very quick as I fetched a water bottle and plopped it into the microwave for a bit to heat up the water. I brought it to Lapis once that was done, and she took it from me to hold it over her stomach. “I can get your homework tomorrow and your assignments,” I offered, kneeling down to be at her level and to also save my neck from future pain. I may be tiny but I can still get neck pains too! “Um… stuff like bananas and eggs helps cramps too. I can get some from the cafeteria tomorrow…”

“Thanks,” Lapis smiled at me.

_ I feel weird again OH NO. _

“Y-yeah,” I smiled back awkwardly. “Are you- you feeling better?”

“A little.” 

“Okay…” I sat there for a while with her in complete silence. We both said nothing. It was so quiet that I could hear both myself and Lapis breathing. 

_ I want to help her but… I’m also scared of if she might eventually get sick of me or fed up with me… _

Just then, she leaned against me, catching me by surprise. My weird feeling won’t go away. AAAAA. To make it  _ worse?! _ I guess that she must’ve seen me hesitating to touch her in means to assure her because she gently grabbed my hand and put it on her back just above her birthmark.

I was… well, flabbergasted. My heart wouldn’t stop beating! 

I made eye contact with her, oh no-...

I looked away as fast as I could. This is so awkward- I’m so awkward. Oh gosh… I don’t want to remove my hand though because…! I mean, she moved it herself and I…-!

Okay, okay… I mean… if she moved my hand though…

_ … She… trusts me? _

This is making me feel a whole new kind of awkward and weird. Weird awkward! Awkward is such an awkward word to say now that I think of it… 

I gulped, keeping my hand where Lapis had put it. This feels super intimate I mean- I’m touching her SKIN. AND SHE MOVED MY HAND-?!?! 

… Well… if this is a sign of trust or something else, I guess it’s good to know that right now, Lapis trusts me enough to see her vulnerable. 

… I wonder if eventually I’ll be strong enough to do the same and tell her about everything that has been bothering me...


	111. Week Twenty Two - Peridot, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot gets antsy with her emotions.
> 
> CW/TW; mentions of past abuse

I really hate when people I hardly know try and talk to me or interact with me in general. If it was Sodalite especially… ugh!! But Jamie… Eh, I guess he’s better than some sassy jerks… I never actually knew the guy- he’s more of someone I tune out. I didn’t really pay any attention to him until today when he approached me while I was on break getting some chips.

“I heard that Lapis won’t be coming to class today,” he said when he found me. That’s one way to start a conversation.

I made a face, opening my bag of chips. “... Huh?”

“Lapis texted me saying that she doesn’t feel too good,” Jamie elaborated.

Yeah, I _know_ . Lapis is dealing with some personal pain right now, and I’m _aware._ I’m her ROOMMATE!! “Obviously,” I said in a matter-of-factly tone. ALSO I DID NOT KNOW THAT LAPIS WAS TEXTING HIM!! WHY DO I FEEL… URGH NOW KNOWING THIS?!?!

Jamie nervously chuckled. “Is she doing okay? I know that you’re her roommate, so I thought that I’d ask you.”

“Of course she is,” I stuck my nose up. “It’s only temporary.”

“Well…” 

My eyes popped out of my head when I saw what he did next. He pulled out a fairly small takeout box full of at least four chocolate-covered strawberries from his bag.

_… ARE YOU KIDDING-_

I’m kind of… um, doubting when Lapis said that there wasn’t anything going on between them?? I MEAN- WHO-?! This guy just brought STRAWBERRY DESSERT!! My eyes are twitching. Why do I feel like this? I shouldn’t feel like this, this is just her _friend_ , I’m sure-. Why does it matter?! Lapis can have as many friends as she likes!! Friends who… who give her strawberries… guy friends… guys… NICE PEOPLE!! LIKE ME!!

“Can you give these to her when you can? I’d really appreciate it, miss,” Jamie offered the box to me.

I slowly grabbed the box, observing it. What if this was poison?! How long had Lapis been texting this guy?! How long?! UGH! WHY DO I CARE?!? PAH!! LAPIS IS VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW AND I COULD BE HER ONLY FORCE OF DEFENSE! WHAT IF SHE DIES AFTER EATING THESE?!

“... Surrreeee,” I frowned, tucking it under one arm so that I could continue eating my chips. 

“Thank you so much. I appreciate it!” Jamie smiled at me.

_Okay go away I’m eating._

_Chocolate covered strawberries… it’s not like Lapis likes these… HAHA!_

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Aww… he actually got these for me?” Lapis gasped when I brought her the strawberries and her assignments after today’s classes.

_… ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?_

“He came up to me and gave them to me saying to give them to you,” I informed her. “It was… weird…”

“He’s just sweet.”

_… Why do I hate that she’s saying that? I COULD MAKE THESE STRAWBERRY TREATS TOO!!!_

I gulped. I moved closer to Lapis’ bed. “I- I got your homework. Oh! And I heated up another water bottle. And! And- and hang on-“ I lifted Pumpkin up onto her bed, “-Pumpkin wants to visit you.”

“Hey Pumpkin.” Lapis reached out to pet Pumpkin’s head as the dog gave a happy bark. “... Thanks, Peridot.”

_Oh no my chest feels funny._

I did the most dumbest thing, which was rather quickly run out of her room and smack into the wall on my way out. I readjusted myself fast, embarrassed beyond relief. I HATE WALLS.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It’s not like this Jamie person would replace me… right? He’s just her friend!!

… Or is he? What if Lapis decides to abandon me because Jamie’s more… _normal?_

Oh nononono, I don’t know what I would do if Lapis decides to move on without me. I don’t have anybody else! Besides Pumpkin but she’s a DOG! Not a PERSON!! I can’t go to my mother, I don’t know my father, I don’t have siblings or even half siblings or half half half siblings…!!! 

I don’t even have much money to my name… crap… How am I supposed to get food? Am I mooching off of Lapis? Does she feel like I’m a parasite relying on her for the basic necessities? Sucking up her resources?

… Hm, if you take the word parasite and take my name, I could be a _Peri-site._

… Okay, that joke sucks.

I kept an ice bag on my head, doing my best to let the bump on my head from when I hit Lapis’ wall heal. Lapis on the other hand seems to be doing okay- she was okay enough to actually stand for a bit and make some dinner for us… I watched her just in case though. When she came to the couch with a bowl of noodles for me, I asked her if she was okay.

“Could be better,” Lapis lightly laughed. “If only we turned into werewolves or something instead of… this.”

“Wanna know the crazy part?” I prompted, waiting until she got herself a bowl too and sat down with me before continuing, “We’re the only mammal to have our cycles besides I think… elephants?? Elephants…. yeah, elephant- no! Elephant shrews!! And bats.”

“Ugh. Seriously?”

“Yup! I hate it too,” I took a spoonful of noodles and shoved it into my mouth. “It’s… painful and even unnecessary… I mean, what if you aren’t planning on having kids? Your body has a tantrum and it’s all... _icky_.” I gagged, putting my bowl down for a second.

Lapis snorted. “More like it has a fit that you’re not pregnant and didn’t get laid every month.”

“That’s exactly what it is!!” Lapis is really smart. I like her. LIKE AS A FRIEND. NOT AS-. I MEAN-. DID THIS ROOM JUST GET HOTTER OR IS IT JUST ME?! I NEED TO GO BRUSH MY TEETH. WAIT BUT I AM EATING RIGHT NOW. AHAHAHA, JOKES! I’M JOKING, I’M KIDDING! I’M NOT GOING TO BRUSH MY TEETH-! “Kids- um… kids. Are you- I mean- you- crap, do you? Kids? You and kids? CHILDREN?” I sputtered.

“Huh?” Lapis shot me a confused glance. I don’t blame her.

“Do you plan on having kids? Like ever?” I finally got out of my system. Oh my gosh I’m a wreck. First the wall, and now… UGH! I don’t know where the question came from. I was just super anxious or something.

Lapis frowned. “... Honestly?” She set her bowl of noodles down too. 

Uh oh. Did I just initiate a deep conversation? OH NO. I started bouncing my legs. I think it’s to help distract me from getting nervous, but it also just… feels right? 

Lapis sighed, having thought for a moment. “I don’t think I’ll have kids,” she answered. “They’re… expensive. They’re… messy. Loud. They need attention. Full attention… care…”

How come the way she’s answering me is distant? Would it be rude if I pointed it out…? I decided not to. “O-oh.” I showed my understanding. “Yeah, I uh- I agree. I’m not having any children either. Besides the fact that my coochie would be ripped open-“

“Coochie?” Lapis put a hand over her mouth, holding back a laugh.

“Coochie!” I confirmed. Why is she laughing? “That’s what some people call it! The- the- you know!”

“I know. It’s just…” Lapis broke into another giggle.

I stuck out my tongue. “ _Vagina_ ,” I huffed. “Besides that! I- it sounds scary. Being pregnant sounds terrifying ESPECIALLY if I know that if I have a kid, it’ll be just like me.” I chewed on my tongue. “Just… like me. It’ll- it’ll have the same…”

_… Why am I unable to finish my sentence?_

_..._

_Why am I crying? I am DEFINITELY CRYING OH NO._

“Hey. Hey, Peridot. Look at me.” Lapis gently grabbed my shoulders, facing me. “It’s okay. … I know what you mean.” She glanced down for a moment, something akin to sorrow in her eyes. At least I think it’s sorrow. Everything is so blurry when you’re crying. “I’m scared of that happening with me too.”

“It’s just- I didn’t _ask_ to be born like this…” I sobbed, the emotions coming at me all at once. “She could’ve loved me if I-“

“No. No way. Shut up right now,” Lapis shook her head.

“But she-!”

“No! She wouldn’t have loved you, Peridot!” Lapis sternly said. “Your mother is insane, maybe even just as insane as Charlotte was.”

“If I was normal-!”

“You’re fine the way you are!” Lapis rebutted.

“Then why didn’t she-?!”

“Because she’s fucking crazy!” Lapis inhaled slowly. “Peridot… listen. It’s not your fault…” she shakily told me, “and you shouldn’t be waiting around like this as if your mother is ever going to change her mind about you. She won’t. She never will. Trust me, I know.”

I stared at her face, my vision still blurry and tears still falling. I sniffled. “W-what about you? I’m- I’m burdening you, surely…”

Lapis scoffed. “Oh, _shut up._ ” She leaned forward, locking me into a hug. “Life is shit. But… I’m glad that at least I’m facing it with you.”

“... Even if I’m weird?” I mumbled, remembering what those girls called me.

“If you’re weird, then I’m a natural disaster.” Lapis rubbed one of her hands against my back. “You’re strong. You came all this way. Just… fuck, look at you! You’ve been through so much and yet! You’re still here, Peridot. You’re making it, all without your mom.” 

_I… I guess I am…_

“I know that I’m never going to see Steven or anybody I know ever again, but… you’ve given me a chance… I want you to know that…” Lapis quietly said. “I’ve… been going back and forth debating if it’s even worth it to keep going and… _._ You’re like the reason I still get up each day… Peridot, you’re a good friend.”

My heart swelled. “Y-you’re my best friend too, Lapis.”

_Friend? H-how come… why do I feel sad that she called me that? Friend is an honor!_

Lapis lightly pulled away. “Sorry if that was emotional or stupid. I’m very hormonal right now and emotions don’t help.”

“No! No, no, you’re fine. That was fine- you’re fine! I needed that,” I assured her. “You… you mean it?”

“What I said? Yeah. I mean it.”

_Friend…_

Maybe I’m overthinking it or something, but… _friend…_ why does that word make me feel upset? We ARE friends! It’s what we are!!

… Friends.

Not… anything else.

Oh god I’m having a crisis. I wiped my eyes, my appetite gone. “Thanks, Lapis…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Agh I’m so sorry these updates have been slow- real life has been kicking me in the butt mostly with my job and college.


	112. Week Twenty Seven - Lapis, Various Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and her emotions...
> 
> TW/CW: mentions of past abuse, emotional conflict, themes of self hatred and guilt

_“I was never one for social interaction... people terrify me,_

_I was never one for intrusion… private life excites me,_

_And I never tasted cherry coke… but the high it kills me so,_

_I throw fits over the smallest fix… perfection haunts me,_

_And I’ve never gotten a high score on all my school tests,_

_So I sure know chemistry…”_

I sang some words on the spot while I slowly strummed a few notes on the school guitar that I had checked out, testing a few things and warming up my memory on what was what. Who knew guitar _could_ be my thing? Maybe I could be one of those girls who gets rich and famous at a young age from the music industry.

… Pft. Yeah, no. Terrible idea.

On top of learning guitar and staying on top of other school classes, I’ve also had to attend the first few practices for the school play. It wasn’t too bad. It’s more of a we stand around and read off our lines for now, then later we will work on costumes and memorizing where we go or move around to add more emotion to them or whatever. Typical school play stuff- from my point of view anyway. Jamie’s been great at helping me remember my lines already. He also has good pointers and advice. Shockingly, he can also sing.

Peridot and I have helped each other if we're stumped on any schoolwork. With finals coming up soon to kick our butts, we need all the help we can get to get out of here as soon as we can. For Thanksgiving, we just sat and ate some cheap chicken and corn that I made since turkey was out in the local cafe and I didn’t want to bother with driving far just for a fucking turkey. We watched a movie, played a bit of that Life is Strange prequel we got our hands on… Pumpkin has been getting a bit fatter from what we have been feeding her although she’s not obese, so she’s doing fine. 

I’d say that life right now… it’s pretty calm. I haven’t seen much of Charlotte anymore and I still have Mary and Jasper in my contacts. They seem to be doing okay too… 

It’s just… weird. After all that we have been through, now there’s this moment of peace and nothing and it… irks me? I’m wide alert for nothing some days. Maybe I’m just too cautious. Maybe I’m anticipating something that will never happen. Maybe right now, it’s just… _meant_ to be okay.

Maybe _I_ can be okay.

I strummed a few more notes, having trouble coming up with more words. 

_“Chemistry… in our lives… relationships…”_ I paused. _“... Fall in disguise…_ disguise… sure, let’s go with that…” Singing freehanded without a script is harder than I thought….

“I’ll never get over how _beautiful_ you sound.”

I tensed, almost dropping my guitar. “Oh-! Crap, crap…. hey, Jamie,” I waved to him once I stabilized my guitar by laying it in my lap.

“Sorry, did I scare you?” He asked, sitting down next to me underneath the campus tree.

“Nah…” I lied professionally. “I’m just tired…”

“Same here,” Jamie warmly chuckled. “Finals are coming up soon. Are you ready?”

“Ready to die,” I joked with a grin.

Jamie doesn’t seem to appreciate my dark humor. If anything, he’s concerned whenever I crack those sorts of jokes. I get why he would be concerned but… come on. This is a norm for me. At least he doesn’t tattletale to the school counselor on me. Or maybe he has and his reports aren’t getting taken seriously. Who knows?

I’ve submitted so many job applications the past few weeks. I’m still waiting to hear back from someplace, and hopefully they do so soon. With Charlotte being locked up and her belongings all in a weird void of being owned by the bank or whatever, money is going to be slim for a while. 

_We need to be careful about how we spend our money…_

I use it for gas, groceries… the usual. It’s things that help keep us alive. No more small treats or goodies for us sadly. We need to focus on surviving.

_Sarah Briggs. Confirmed survivor of the ship incident... Derek Waltz. Peter Cathington._ All names of other survivors like me. I’m not the only one. Stories are slowly coming out with time as people get over their fears and come out with their experiences. If only the Florences were a part of that list… I wish they were still with me… and Rose and everybody...

I still wonder if they can see me now. _Are you up there with Rose, judging me every step of the way?_

Peridot assures me whenever I feel upset that I’m a good person. That it’s okay to be sad, that’s it _okay_ to grieve and be upset. But I still wonder if I can ever make up for all the things I’ve done in the past…

_Then again, if it wasn’t for a stupid ship, I wouldn’t be here right now…_

* * *

  
  


I sighed, leaning my head against Jamie’s shoulder. “I’m so tired…”

“We’re almost done,” Jamie promised, letting me use him as a pillow. “Citrine’s doing her Timon lines before we can go.”

I feel so… conflicted. Peridot’s always there for me and _always_ makes sure that I am okay, but so does Jamie. In fact, Jamie and I have been hanging out a bit more than we used to thanks to play practice after school.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I think Peridot has been… moodier. Ever since I started inviting Jamie over in fact, she’s been… up and down. I texted her and told her in advance when I would invite him over so we can recite our lines or practice scenes together! So I don’t understand why she seems… cold. I tried to introduce her to Jamie, but all she did was stare at him and walk away. Maybe it’s an autism thing. I don’t know.

Once Citrine was done, we were finally released for the day. I had invited Jamie over, so I’m already anticipating Peridot to go to her room and leave us alone like she does… Whether she’s avoiding me or hates Jamie, I don’t know. She’s… a mystery. I’m leaving her alone right now because I don’t know if it means she wants space or what. If she was having a personal problem, I trust that she would come to me after Jamie leaves. So her not coming out at all must mean she’s busy or simply doesn’t want to interact. Fine with me.

… Fine with me… Just don’t keep me in the dark wondering what’s going on...

“I still can't believe you managed to get that role,” I teased Jamie as I stared at my script.

“I’m the perfect candidate! A grown Simba, awoken from his exile to return and save the Pridelands in his responsibility as the true king!” Jamie faked a gasp. 

“And raised on Hakuna Matata,” I murmured. “Imagine if he never came back.”

“Scar would’ve probably driven the lionesses to their last straw,” Jamie theorized. “Sarabi at least was the most fed up with him.”

“I don’t blame her.” I read a few of my lines in my head. “It’s… crazy, right? Without Nala, I mean… Simba wouldn’t have come back. She was that little push to him talking to his father.”

“Which is why she’s important to the story,” Jamie nodded. “I haven’t heard you sing _Shadowlands_ yet, but I’m certain it’ll be worth waiting for!”

“Yeah…” I trailed off, unsure. We haven’t had much practice with the songs yet as they’re the easiest to remember, but there was one time after school I had to sing a part of _Shadowlands_ and the director told me that I was… not emotional enough. Emotional enough-!? What did he mean?! I sang the correct notes, the correct words…

_But not the correct spirit…_

I can’t do like what I did for my audition again unless I want to be put back into a dark place… Is theatre always this exhausting?

_If I have to sing more ‘emotionally’ again, I’d have to pull it from the painful parts of my life… What if I fuck up again and break down in front of everyone again?_

* * *

  
  


I can’t believe Jamie still likes hanging out with me although I turned him down way back when we first met. I must’ve broken his heart, so why does he still bother? Is that what true friends are? No matter what bad happens, can you still find a way to stay friends? He’s a good guy, don’t get me wrong. I like his company. I’m just… scared. 

It’s just like with Peridot… It’s so messy. I did horrible things and yet, we stick together and look out for each other. Why? Shouldn’t she be afraid of me? I know that I’ve assured myself a billion times and she’s assured me more than that, but even after I’ve forgiven myself, it turns out I haven’t if I’m still dwelling on it. It’s a cycle and I hate it. Why couldn’t I have been a better person the first time? Why do I think I’ve come to terms with myself only to soon return back to square one of hating myself?

Maybe… maybe I won’t be okay. Or, maybe life is constantly up and down confusing. I don’t like confusion nor uncertainty or big changes out of nowhere. But that’s how it is and how it will be. Fuck…

I could hardly even focus when I invited Jamie over again the next time. I hate that he noticed I wasn’t focused too. He asked me if I was doing alright, I bit the bullet and said yes, and you know what I did next? I asked him if we could meet at _his_ place next time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He’s a good friend, just like Peridot. So I don’t know… why I did that. Maybe it’s because I already live with Peridot so there’s no special arrangement needed to see her?

… Maybe I’m feeling too guilty again. And about who? Peridot I suppose, since I’m hanging out with Jamie so carefree… What if _I’m_ the one avoiding her? Or maybe I’m too scared of if something happens while Jamie is here at my place. Who knows? Emotions are fucking confusing…

… What if I’m starting to _like_ Jamie? … Impossible. I still have wounds from Kevin and-... not so much Jasper, but-.

I’d try and talk to Peridot whenever I can. We would play that prequel game and Peridot… seems quieter than usual. I would make her some food or get her a soda or some chips, and… nothing, unless you count the occasional stumble of her words. Did I fuck up somewhere? When? Where? Why is she being so awkward around me? 

One night I confronted her about it after I did my classwork. “Hey.” I sat down beside her on the floor in front of the couch, watching her on her phone. 

“... Hi.” Peridot didn’t look at me. She kept tapping away at her game.

“So, what’s-?”

“What _are_ you and Jamie?” Peridot questioned me, putting her phone down and fully facing me.

I was stunned. Was this what all that tension was about?!? Are you kidding me?!? You little-!! “What do you mean?” 

“You’ve been inviting him over and disappearing off with him!” Peridot grumbled. “Is he your boyfriend? Are you two dating? You sure act like you’re dating.”

“Why does it matter to you?”

“Because, Lapis! You’re hardly here anymore!”

“I’m sorry. It’s play practice.”

“I know that! I’m just… lonely,” Peridot said. “I miss you when you’re gone…”

“Then why were you avoiding me whenever Jamie comes over or after he comes over?”

“Because I don’t know if you want to talk to me first!”

“I try to talk to you!”

“Yeah and I feel like sloppy seconds!” Peridot huffed.

I blinked. “Isn’t it better that you get used to me being gone now? Like I said, when I get a job-“

“That’s different!!”

“How is it different?!?”

Peridot inflated her cheeks like an upset frog. “It feels like I’m being replaced,” she blurted. “There. I said it. I feel like you’re going to move on without me, take Jamie, and… go on. I feel like you’re going to leave me here.”

I sighed. “Peridot… I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I didn’t mean…” I hesitated before I touched her shoulder once I saw the flash in her eyes that was the _okay_ to do so. “Jamie’s been helping me with the school play. He’s just another friend of mine. I didn’t mean for it to come off as if like I’m ‘replacing’ you. Besides- nobody can replace you. There’s only one of you.”

“But I’m not…-! I’m not- not as-“

I put a finger over her lips to quiet her. “Shush. You’re the best, because you’re the only Peridot there is. And I don’t want to ever replace that.” I put my hand down. “Jamie’s my friend, yeah… but nobody can ever replace you.”

Peridot’s lips quivered. I don’t know whether that’s a good or bad sign.

“If you want, we can do something later…” I shrugged, hoping to make her feel better.

Peridot mumbled under her breath.

“Food, movies…” I suggested. “... We really need to work on communicating better…”

“We do…” Peridot muttered.

“Well…” I got up onto my knees. “We can start doing that now. Before we get wrapped up in finals, we can just… communicate.”

“Okay…”

“I’ll… go first,” I volunteered. “And I’ll start by apologizing.” I hesitated for a moment, knowing that no amount of apology could make up for _everything._ The damage is already done. So, what use is an apology? Or one said a billion times over? “I’m sorry.” And for what in particular? Should I name off my list of all the things I'm sorry for?! “For everything.”

_What about when you mocked her the first month you met her?_

_What about the time you tried to force her into sleeping with you?_

_What about burning down the farm, causing a fire, and dragging Peridot along for the ride?_

_What about making Peridot go through everything? But- I didn’t directly cause it-! It’s not my fault-!_

_But you’re dragging her down._

My eyes are heavy.

_The time you rejected Jamie._

_Using Jasper to escape your life._

_Using Kevin to escape your life. You deserved losing your virginity to him._

_You should’ve stayed with Charlotte._

_You should’ve never been adopted._

_You should’ve died on that ship._

“I’m so… sorry,” I choked out. “For everything.” I know that I’m repeating myself, but dammit-! I am sorry! I am! I truly am! “I was horrible to you… I was fucking horrible and I’ll admit it. I’m sorry, Peridot. I’m so sorry…” I couldn’t look at her. Not with the guilt anyway…

And yet? She hugged me while I began to tear up and break down in front of her. She was willing to be there for me even with all that I did. 

_Threatening Pearl with a knife._

_Being hostile to Peridot during horse riding._

_You don’t even deserve to die because only the good people deserve a happy ending or ending at all._

I let myself cry into Peridot’s shoulder.

“You’re my best friend…” I quietly said, Peridot’s arms still wrapped around me. “And you’ve been there for me so much…”

_Through Charlotte, through your own mother, through Pearl and through Jasper… why is it now that I realize just how… important she is?_

“Listen. If you feel shitty, because you feel like you’re being ignored, don’t! Just… let me know what I can do to make it up to you,” I told her. “I want to make it up to you. For everything…”

I… I don’t know what had come over me. Emotions are messy. I guess I got overwhelmed in the moment. I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t want to sit in shame anymore. If I must face the consequences for all that I’ve done, so be it. I’ll willingly show myself in a white gown and walk into the gallows. I’ll face myself and face everything I used to be. Hopefully, just…hopefully, Rose will know I never meant to be so evil and forgive me. Maybe we can start over. All of us can…

Maybe one day we can all be reunited.

“You don’t have to make anything up to me,” Peridot assured me.

If not now… maybe later.

“But I-!” I began to protest.

If not… well… Peridot’s still here, isn’t she?

“I have to apologize too!” Peridot said.

“You don’t have to apologize for anything…” I denied her request.

“Lapis-“

“No. Peridot, you’re fine. You’re fine.”

_I did the most evil. If it’s anyone who should be on their knees begging for forgiveness, it’s me. And I surely am begging…_

_See me, mom and dad? Rose?_

What am I doing… I know what is wrong and what is right, so why is it I made the wrong decisions? 

_It’s all in the past. It’s in the past, you know it was wrong now. You’re growing. You’re learning._

_We’re only human._

And I… am so happy I didn’t go through this alone. 

“I appreciate you,” I thanked Peridot. “Thanks. For having my back.”

Peridot slowly nodded as we ended our hug. “I- I should thank you too. I- I don’t know where I would be right now if I…”

“Well, certainly not with me or Pumpkin,” I lightly joked.

Peridot bore a small smile. “I’m-... I’m so happy I’m here with you and Pumpkin.”

I… don’t know why, but…

Maybe everyone has a second chance to try and better the person they are. _If_ they want to be better.

I know I do.

Maybe it’s time I stop putting myself down so much. Maybe I should start looking for the positives and start ensuring my future will be better than my past.

Maybe there’s… _hope._

What am I doing?

What is SHE doing?

It was too late before I realized that Peridot…

Well. She _kissed_ me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // hi guys how are you holding up oh don’t worry there’s still a lot more of angst to go through :)


	113. Week Twenty Eight - Peridot, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot after the kiss.
> 
> CW/TW: self doubt, self worth issues

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY DID I EVER DO THAT?! I MISREAD THE SIGNS?! DOES LAPIS HATE ME NOW?! OH GOSH OH GOSH OHGOSHOHGOSHOHGOSH…

It was late, OKAY? It was late and we were all tired-! IT WAS A SLIP UP! I DID NOT MEAN-!!!

Ugh… what’s the use…

I…

I kissed Lapis…

And now she probably hates me…

I was too nervous to even be around her the morning after that... I feel sick. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m gonna throw up oh my gosh…

I still remember exactly what happened after I… did what I did…

_ It was super quiet after I pulled away.  _

_ I just did that. _

_ … _

_ HOLLLYYYYYYY JINGLES ON A SINGLE BINGLE SHMINGLE I JUST DID THAT! OH IT FEELS SO LIBERATING!! AHA! _

_ “... Peridot… did you just…-?” Lapis began. _

_ Um… why is she-...? _

_ I slowly nodded. Am I in trouble?! _

_ Lapis’ entire face went dark. Then, she awkwardly hid her face, and LOOKED AWAY FROM ME!! “Fuck… fuck… fuck. Peridot…-“ _

_ What’s… going on? Does she not-? Oh no, she doesn’t like me that way and now she’s rejecting me oh NO OH NO OH NO. I DID A BAD. _

_ Lapis stood up. _

_ My body could hardly breathe. _

_ “... No, I… fuck….” Lapis was muttering to herself. _

_ A few minutes, and she finally spoke again after I waited anxiously. All that I can hear in my head is that I just did a bad thing and I regret the thing that I did. _

_ “I need to come clean while we’re being honest,” Lapis said. She seemed… sorry… so sorry, and it wasn’t even for the past things she did. It was for something happening NOW. “Peridot… I…” _

_ I could feel my chest sink. _

_ “... I don’t… like you that way,” she finished. “I’m sorry- You can’t just… kiss people, I-!” _

_ There it was.  _

_ My entire body went cold. _

_ “... The truth is-... I think I like Jamie. I know it’s weird but-... he’s just so… kind, and he’s so… I... want to actually give him a proper chance.” _

_ “Oh.” I stared at her, lost. “I… uh, I see. I understand. I um… sorry, I-...” _

_ “No. You’re fine. It’s just…” Lapis scrunched up her face. “I’m… I’m so sorry… I should’ve told you that I wanted to move past everything and try again and-.” _

My heart still hurts after that night. Ow…. 

How could I be so… STUPID?!? GAH!!!

Oh my gosh… I KNEW it. I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON WITH HER AND THAT JAMIE PERSON! FUCK!! FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK IN A PUG FUCK-!

UGHHHHHHH!!!

Even a few days after that I was still upset.

I feel so dead… I don’t even wanna get up and go to school…

Finals are this week and then it’s Christmas break but for what?! Heck it! Heck it hecking HECK!!! I had messed up BIG!!!

I’m still laying in bed, and I am NOT moving.

“Peridot! Come on!” Lapis knocked on my door. I’m too depressed to move… Eugh… c'mere Pumpkin, come mope with me… 

Lapis ended up charging into my bedroom and almost dragging me out of bed, so I had to cave in and go to school despite my state. I was half awake in my morning classes. I can’t even  _ think _ and I forgot how to hold a pencil for like six seconds… Lunch was horrible when it rolled around. Lapis and I went to sit under a tree and eat like usual but then she got up to grab something from… Jamie.

_ Look at her… her and that guy… _

I bitterly chewed on my sandwich, watching as she went over to grab a few papers from him after he approached us.

_ I shouldn’t be jealous but… WHAT DOES HE HAVE THAT I DON’T?! _

_ … He’s not autistic, that’s what for starters. And he’s not full of trauma or bad experiences… He also didn’t meet Lapis on the wrong foot… I don’t know what their first meeting was like but I bet it was a lot better than mine-! _

My nose flared when I saw her  _ kiss  _ him on the cheek before she came back to me.

_ … They’re official. Eugh. Disgusting… _

I went to the school counselor later.  _ Without  _ Lapis might I mention, because otherwise she would question me or it could make the situation worse. Besides, she has  _ Jamie.  _ And I don’t know who else to turn to. Pumpkin doesn’t even talk!!

“- I don’t know! I feel so… so mad!! It’s out of nowhere too! Jamie this, Jamie that! Ugh!! I hate him!” I ranted to the counselor.

“Sounds like it could be jealousy,” she said after I finished.

“Jealous-! Pah! No, nonono, I’m just…” I paused. Well… maybe I am… a tiny bit… “Yeah. I’m- I’m jealous. I kissed her and I thought that it would… I don’t know… it was a really emotional time and I just… kissed her… I thought she would get the memo provided the circumstances…”

“Unrequited feelings,” the counselor noted. “Hmm… I’ll start with the basics if you’d like to hear. The first step to overcoming these powerful emotions is tracing it back to its source. You’re jealous because there are unreturned feelings for Lapis, who is now dating someone else. Correct?”

“Yes…” Do I sound pathetic? Am I making a big deal over nothing?!

“Have you considered voicing your concerns to her? Discussing boundaries or any sort of follow up after you kissed her?”

“N-no…” Was I supposed to?! Fuckfuckfuck-! “After I kissed her, she told me she wasn’t interested in me and then mentioned she liked the other person...”

“Besides jealousy, how do you feel?”

“Mad… and super… super…” I flexed my hands, unable to find the word. “I’m frustrated.”

“I can understand that.” The counselor reached behind the desk and grabbed something. “Are you a fan of chocolate by any chance?”

“Um… a little…” I eagerly scooped up the small chocolate bar I was given shortly afterward. “This isn’t like poisoned or has a healthy benefit or some kind of medicine-?”

“Goodness, no. It’s just chocolate,” the counselor assured me.

Hmm… okay…. I unwrapped it and plopped it into my mouth. 

“Have you considered any therapeutic practices? Perhaps to help ease or take your mind off your situation? I know this is going to sound so simple of me to say, but have you considered feeling  _ happy _ instead that Lapis has found someone?” The counselor asked me.

I sighed, defeated. 

_ Maybe I’m being too dramatic… maybe I’m being selfish… maybe I’m being an asshole… _

_ Lapis… did look happy with him… _

_ And she doesn’t like me the way I thought-.... _

_ What if Lapis gets hurt though? Or-! Or or what if something happens?! _

_ Then again she’s an adult and she has her own life too… _

_ Fuckity quackity, maybe I was being a jerk… she’s not going to ever return any feelings so I should stop being so stuck up on it… _

_ If she moves on without me though... _

I wanted to go deeper into my thoughts and think of myself as myself being at fault here because that’s what my mother would say right? She would’ve said that I’m too inadequate or too this and that and too broken or too not normal… But the way the counselor is talking about this makes it sound like just another thing that  _ can happen anytime  _ in life and that it’s  _ normal.  _

_ Is it okay for people to move on like this? To possibly leave people behind? _

_ … I know I should forget about my mom and leave her in the past but… Lapis… and Pumpkin.. my only friends… I don’t know how to make new ones or the new ones don’t stick around long…. _

… Ugh… my head… 

I wanted to cry so bad. I wanted to start sobbing right then and there!!

What if I end up alone for the rest of my life?

Part of me wanted to rip the autism out of me so that I could see my life without it just for a few seconds. Would my life still be the same? Would it be different? But if Lapis likes me autism and all… She likes me for who I am, not for who I’m not.

It’s just… she doesn’t like me the way I like her. We’re still friends but now it’s kind of awkward and now she knows that hey maybe I like her but she likes Jamie instead and...

I… am going to have to deal with this.

That’s... the hard part...


	114. Week Twenty Eight - Pearl, Wednesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Lapis and Peridot are in their own situations, Pearl is facing a situation of her own.
> 
> TW/CW; mentions of grief/loss, mourning

Once there was a young woman who wanted to do good in this world. She wanted to help the poor, feed the unfortunate, and give hope to the forgotten. She spoke for the animals that did not know how to speak human, and she gave a home to everybody who needed it.

This woman… was Rose. And she… only meant to do _good._

I never would’ve thought in a billion years that we would eventually end up in a place like this, signing multiple paperworks and agreements, arranging a funeral, and discussing city politics in the news of Rose being gone. It’s like we are forgetting about her in our own way- pushing aside her existence with a new era of what can be reborn from the ashes.

At the start, I told her she was crazy. I only knew her for a very small period of time as Peony. But I told her that there wouldn’t be any going back once she ran off and got plastic surgery. There are so many risks involved with such surgeries beyond scarring or organ damage and blood clots. But, she was determined, and I know that she has a good heart in the right place. She told me to never tell anyone of who she was before, to promise her a chance at a better life… but now that she is gone and with Steven having been in a dangerous spot, I _had_ to spill it. I had to tell the Diamonds that Rose, yes, she used to be Peony, and she ran away, faked her death, and changed her entire physical appearance just to make a difference in the world. If I hadn’t, Steven might’ve been hurt. Rose would’ve done the same for her son, I know so.

… It’s why I loved her. She was so pure, so ambitious… so loving and so kind. She shared the pain of others without any selfish thought. She donated what she could if there was a place needing money or clothing articles. I miss the green days of when we would laugh and smile at the hiccups in our lives before responsibility clashed. For her to step up and become more _mature,_ to take on responsibilities such as wanting a child and taking care of various animals and children that weren’t even her own… I’m proud of her and I’m proud of what she has managed to do with her life.

But now I'm here with Steven and Greg, still mourning over the loss of Rose as if she passed away only yesterday. The Diamonds are starting to loosen up a little and stop breathing down our necks about all the responsibilities Rose- or Peony to them, shall I say, left behind, but it’s going to still be a while before any of us can go back to living normal lives for sure.

It hasn’t been _that_ awful, luckily. Course, the Diamonds wanted to please the heir to Rose while things got set up. We weren’t allowed much if any at all outside contact just yet with the world. There has been spread the word that the therapy center was shut down due to money troubles the day we were taken in- or so the Diamonds say they’re handling the explanation of what had happened and where we are now if anybody asks- but we did get a nice place to stay in the meantime until this mess is over. Just a few more papers, a few more discussions such as what Steven would inherit, what the Diamonds would do for their business, how and when Steven would step up and join them…

I don’t want him to join them. I’ve heard and seen how horrid the Diamonds can be. If anything, Steven should live a life that his mother wanted him to- a life that she _trusted_ me to give to him.

Not only him, but also Lapis.

I’m so sorry that I failed you, Rose. And I am terribly sorry that life ended up catching up to us with consequences. I’ve heard about the burning of the farm which I assume happened from a grass fire and I am relieved that the animals were relocated to local livestock auctions or other farms before it even occurred. But I’m sorry that those animals you deeply loved and cared for will no longer be in our care. The Diamonds are also using this unfortunate fire as another excuse to our absences in the real world if anybody gets curious. Everything you ever had was on that property... I hope that you had another place for most important belongings. Your husband is doing fine. He’s hanging on tight just like I am, being strong for Steven and warding the nightmares away from him as best he can… 

How can people so… so _awful,_ be the way they are? I’ve heard about Yadira and I’m well aware of what she has done with her daughter, and I’ve also heard about other horrible things that Bronagh and White had done. It’s no wonder Rose wanted to run away! How can such awful people be in such high power of influence and wealth over the lesser fortunate? How do these awful people stay in power? And why? I assume that it will be quite some more years until better candidates can roll in. The Diamond business is one that is near indestructible with White as the main head of power.

I waited for Greg to look over the revisions I had suggested to one of the Diamond’s propositions for Steven, a hand over my mouth and my throat dry. We’re both in the same boat at least when it comes to Steven. We agreed that we would do our best to ensure Steven would be safe, Steven would not be taken advantage of, and he would not be tasked with such heavy responsibility while he was still young and should enjoy his youth. In the end, it would be _his_ and his alone’s decision in deciding whether he would want to take his mother’s place in this wretched position of power. He would also get anything that belonged to Rose, save for bigger things such as any former houses which he would get once he was eighteen. His father in the meantime would be allowed to access any money leftover in Rose’s account, and allowed to have all funeral services paid for by the Diamonds themselves. They were the driving force to Rose’s death anyway in my personal opinion. Because of them? Because of how cruel they were? It was the reason why Rose did what she did; running away, changing her appearance and her name, pursuing a new path free from pollution of the Diamond name.

Once the revisions for today were done, I decided to pay a visit to Steven for a while. He’s been upset lately, which of course I don’t blame him for. A boy his age in a situation like this? It isn’t the most ideal nor the most beneficial for him while he’s still developing. I know he misses Rose too just as much as I do… For someone to lose their mother so young… it cannot be of any good. The Diamonds themselves are a whole different level altogether. I’m always uneasy when they attempt to interact with Steven. White and Yadira especially hold this sort of aura to them that I can’t forgive so easily. Bronagh is a bit more gentle, so I trust her out of the others.

I’ve told Steven numerous times about how wonderful his mother was. He was destined to be just as strong as she was. If she was capable of making great change at a young age and up to her death, so would he.

“How are you feeling?” I began the conversation as I entered the room. The place we were given to stay was at a private hotel for only the most rich and popular. It was clean, well guarded, and small in population. It mostly served as a stop for celebrities or bands on tour, or as a place to hold meetings and events. It felt too fancy for my usual blood, but I must say that the fountains are a splendid addition.

Steven was hugging one of the pillows on his bed, surfing through the television with the remote. “Hi Pearl,” he quietly said.

“Greg should be back any minute,” I informed him. “I decided to come check on you in the meantime.”

“More paperwork?”

I nodded. “Always paperwork…” I agreed with a sigh.

“Pearl, I still can't believe this is real.” Steven turned off the television, giving me a somber expression. “It’s been weeks and I still don’t know what’s going on.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Steven.” _It’s a lot of things that you wouldn’t understand. When you’re an adult, you’ll understand._

“I don’t even know where my sister is or Connie or-...” 

I sat on the bed with him, pulling him into a hug. “I know, Steven.” I let him cling to me for comfort, my heart aching for him. The poor boy… His hair reminded me of his mother too- perfectly curled like little rose ringlets that had sprouted from a garden fresh after winter with crisp petals of earthy waves.

_I’ll make sure that he’s safe and grows up the way you wanted him to, Rose. I’ll do what I have to to make sure of it. This is going to pass like a stone I’m sure on all of us, but one day when this all finally passes, he can return to living freely with a chance to enjoy his childhood and be able to laugh and love just like you did._

“I hope Lapis is doing okay…” Steven murmured sadly.

I sighed, knowing how he felt. “... Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I had plans to maybe do a small series in this universe about a bit more in depth Pearl and Rose’s backstory but who knows that depends on my time and motivation after this main work is done
> 
> ... whenever this is done 😂


	115. Week Twenty Eight - Lapis, Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finals week is killing Lapis.
> 
> TW/CW; self-hate, themes of past abuse, depression, past addictions, unable to forgive one’s self

I’m not doing okay. These finals are killing me.

Ugh… why do clocks torment me? Can’t you move any faster? I’m trying to get out of here. I’d rather be licking dirt than sitting here trying to remember what the right answer is for question five.

I bullshitted at least a small portion of my test. Probably not the best approach, but it’s the best I’ve got. I walked out of the classroom feeling much better, less stressed and more like I can breathe.

I passed Jamie on my way out with a pained look on my face. “Did the finals kill you yet?” I groaned.

“Surprisingly, no,” Jamie laughed.

He can be an understanding guy. I’m rather… still a bit shocked that he even accepted wanting to officially start going out given the fact I originally dumped him, but… I don’t mind the company. And he _is_ sweet. He really is. He’s nice, he’s thoughtful, he’s always asking if I’m okay…

Peridot still refuses to talk to me sometimes, but…

Pft. It’s not like I’m leaving her or anything. I’m just dating a guy. A super nice, super thoughtful, super gentle guy. A funny guy who makes me laugh and is there for me when I’m feeling down. … Someone who I can have a healthy, happy, good relationship with. Someone who I haven’t hurt besides one rejection, someone who I haven’t fucked up with yet.

_But what if I do eventually fuck him up? Oh god…_

_It could be worse. It could be Kevin again._

_Or it could be someone I already traumatized…_

I nervously reached out, grabbing Jamie’s hand. 

“Hey… are you alright?” Jamie noticed my slight shakiness. 

“... I’m just tired,” I sighed.

“After classes, if you want to come by and relax for a bit, I can make some hot cocoa or-“

“I think I’ll be fine. Finals are just stressing me out,” I interrupted.

“Let me know if you feel any better before practice today. I can tell Mr. Roberts that you’re not feeling good if you need the day off.”

“Thanks, Jamie.”

“Anytime.” 

I continued to hold his hand down the hall, slightly leaning against him.

_It’s so… comforting when you know that people are looking out for you. Wanting the best for you. Are there for you._

_People like…_

…

……

_People I used to know…_

  
  


* * *

“What’s this?” Peridot sniffed as she sat down on the couch.

“The Polar Express,” I told her, turning up the volume. I decided that we should have a movie night since finals were kicking our ass. We deserve a break. Peridot being willing to interact with me again tonight made me a bit more assured. I just hope that she doesn’t go silent on me again soon. I can’t stand the silence. Nor can I stand being alone. Alone with my thoughts...

“What’s it about?”

“Eh… magic, Christmas… trains.” I let Pumpkin jump up into my lap, then I watched as she settled down between Peridot and I. “Steven and I used to watch this around Christmas.”

Her reaction to the hot chocolate scene was hilarious. I held back my laughter as I watched her, her face squinted up into a dumbfounded but also slightly terrified state.

“... They didn’t even get to drink past like five sips,” Peridot commented. “They took the cups away just like that! Three seconds to enjoy a drink, and they’re full?!”

“It’s magic,” I told her.

“No that’s being rude taking their drinks!”

I snorted. “That know it all kid reminds me of you.”

Peridot gasped, offended. “HE IS NOT-! I’m nothing like that kid!”

When the movie was near ending, I asked Peridot what she wanted to do for the holidays. I’m fine with anything. I mostly planned on maybe going to get some lunch with Jamie and that’s about it. Our money situation is a bit tight right now though given until I can land a job after everything, so we can’t be too exaggerated with the holidays.

Peridot didn’t have much ideas. Granted, I mean… she never really had a Christmas, much less a parent…

“What about if we bake some sugar cookies?” I prompted.

“Sugar cookies?” Peridot hummed. “Oh! We can make them look like ornaments! I’ll put only a bit of sprinkles so that they don’t get wasted falling off in places where there’s thinner frosting.”

“Sugar cookies it is.” 

“I’ve… never had sprinkles before. Or sugar cookies in general… This is going to be amazing!”

I like when Peridot starts talking to me again instead of randomly ignoring me. I missed it.

_… But what if it’s better that she ignores me?_

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


That night, I sat in my bed with the biggest scowl on my face as I finished reading over some texts I got.

Apparently Charlotte was screened for possible drug issues or whatever as well as hallucinations or paranoia. Wow what a shock. Alcohol maybe or... I don’t fucking care what exactly. It has similar effects and she’s crazy anyway. Mary was telling me everything on the phone and it just… _awakened_ something inside me. Sure I like hearing updates to see if Charlotte will get what she has coming to her, but…

I don’t care who Charlotte is or why she is the way she is. I ended the conversation by asking Mary to no longer mention her to me, and just to text me about how she and Nancy were doing. End of story. It was time to move on for all of us. Time to forget the past.

… Anger. That’s what it was that had awakened. Even just hearing Charlotte’s fucking name pisses me off. It doesn’t help that finals week killed me, I was upset about Peridot being on and off talking to me… I say that I’ve accepted things like losing my brother but in reality I haven’t because the next day I’m back to square one of worrying. Worry. Worry. Scared. I want to yell. I want to scream. I want to kick everything and just do away with it all. But I can’t start a fit while Peridot’s in her room trying to sleep. And now I can’t sleep because I’m so bothered by the fact that Charlotte even exists. Fuck her. Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her. I don’t want to hear about her anymore. I wish she never fucking came for me at all. I wish she left me at that place with Steven and Pearl, because maybe then I would still be with my own brother. I would finally know what’s happening, I would finally know if he’s okay-...

Charlotte _ripped_ me away from my brother and my family, kept me in her stupid mansion… I didn’t ASK for it!! Did the Florences see me all miserable and thinking sending me someone like Charlotte would cure me?!? I would rather eat pin needles than be near Charlotte again. After what I heard from Mary and Nancy… about what she is really like… a fucking witch with no regards to her own kids-

You know who she reminds me of?! _Peridot’s_ mom. I fucking hate her too.

I grabbed my guitar.

What even was real anymore?! What did she tell me that was lies? How many lies? How much of it was the truth? Why is SHE my biological mother, and why did I ever get cursed with her as a mother? She isn’t a mother. She’s a fucking nightmare. I hate hearing about her. I hate it, I hate me, I hate it all. Damn it.

I’ve been trying to keep my emotions under control by writing them out into poems or distracting myself with music, things that aren’t smoking or sex because dammit I WANT to be better. I want to be a better version of myself… I want another chance and I want to prove that yes that chance was worth it.

I’ve been looking into therapy a little ever since Peridot mentioned it. Though, I’m a little afraid of being judged or even opening up to a stranger at all… Are those valid fears? I need help, I do it’s just- It’s just so hard when life keeps throwing shitballs at you. What if I get a bad therapist? What if I can’t even be helped? What if they don’t understand?

… I’m drowning, and I don’t know what way is up. I need a life jacket but I can’t find it. Peridot and I can drown together but is that right? I have to drown by myself. I can’t bring others with me.

_You don’t even deserve to die because only the good people deserve a happy ending or an ending at all..._

I shakily inhaled.

_I haven’t forgiven myself. I’ll think that I have…_

_But the truth is I have never forgiven myself for anything and everything that I’ve done._

_That’s why I’m so frustrated out of nowhere. That’s why I’m so emotional and so stressed out. Finals didn’t help these feelings. They fueled them. Peridot talking to me again reminded me that I’m…_

I need help.

God, I’m so tired… emotions are so up and down that sometimes I can’t decipher if it’s my ‘womanly hormones’ or some sort of sensitive demon burrowing in my skin.

_… I’m not worth the fight… I’m not worth the hope of morning..._

I’d watch the sun come up each day with the hope that I could be better. But all hope I had a day ago would continue to wither in a continuous cycle of death and then rebloom. I know the first step to healing would be to forgive myself. … But I can’t. Not when everytime I see myself, I’m reminded of Charlotte, and then I’m reminded of everything horrible. I’m reminded of things I hate about myself, because I know what I hate about people like Charlotte and Peridot’s mother.

My fingers grazed over the strings.

I sat there for a moment, just… reflecting.

No alcohol. No drugs. No sex. Nothing. Just me sitting on my bed, alone with my inner thoughts. I’m trying. But no matter what I do, imposter syndrome will remind me that I’m again failing. All my successes were just coincidence. I want to change and I don’t want to hurt any more people… but look at what I’ve done.

_I’m clinging to Jamie because he’s the only person that I haven’t yet ruined too much yet. When I’m with him, I feel like for a second I can finally forgive myself entirely._

_I’m so tired of all the fakeouts where I’m thinking I’m finally at peace, only to later know I’m not._

_I was so… scared when Peridot kissed me. Scared of committing something I did before… I have to push her away. I’m so upset she would stop talking to me but what if it’s for the best?! What if Steven being away from me is for the greater good?!_

I finally strung a single chord. It’s easy once you get the whim of how a guitar works. One song came to mind from some music I had recently listened to, so I began to hum;

_“... If this is how you folks make art, it's fucking depressing…”_ I slowly played.

_“And it's sad to know that we are not alone,_

_And it's sad to know there's no honest way out..._

_I'm afraid to leave the house._

_I'm as timid as a mouse._

_I'm afraid if I go out, I'll outwear my welcome._

_I am not a courageous man..._

_I don't have any big lasting plans..._

_I'm too cowardly to take a stand..._

_I wanna keep my nose clean..._

_And it's sad to know that we're not alone in this..._

_And it's sad to know there's no honest way out..._

_In this life we lead,_

_We can conquer everything…”_ I was shaking, no longer playing my instrument. My eyes glanced over at my window.

_“...If we could just get the braves to get out of bed in the morning.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // “Brave as a Noun” lyrics @ AJJ


	116. Week Thirty - Christmas Eve, Peridot and Lapis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts off in Peridot’s POV then changes to Lapis’ POV- hopefully it’s not confusing
> 
> The holidays are off to a great start! 😃

**PERIDOT:**

  
  


Christmas Christmas Christmas… family time? I’ve never heard of it. HA! 

… Apparently yeah it’s an actual thing and not a corporate scheme to cash in money from some sort of long established brand consisting of red and green and a jolly fat man that breaks into your house…

… People actually have quality family time with their… families… opening presents and sharing highlights of the year...

“It’s… not a scam? It’s an actual celebration?” I was stunned as I asked Lapis who was getting together a jacket and some shoes. “Wait- where are you going? LAPIS!!”

“I told you, Jamie invited me for some Christmas light viewing,” Lapis explained, throwing on her jacket.

“Jam- I thought you were only meeting him for lunch!!” I grumpily said. “Lapis!!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll come back before it gets late. I got all the sugar cookie ingredients.”

I frowned. Lapis might’ve told me about some Christmas light viewing earlier but that was super last minute so of course I forgot that she told me in the first place! I don’t like when the plans suddenly change on me without warning, it makes me feel anxious. Now I gotta wait longer for Lapis to come back and what if she doesn’t come back or never comes back or-...

… Ugh!!!

Guess it’s me and Pumpkin for the next few hours… I scooped her up once Lapis had left, and I put her on the couch with me. “So… what movies are you into?” I questioned the dog.

Pumpkin flopped over, digging into the couch pillows a bit before she stopped, letting out a satisfied snort.

“You’re not really into movies, huh?” I sighed.

I guess I’ll drone myself on with some random shows or movies hoping that one piques my interest… maybe a nap if I’m bored enough… waiting is so boring…

_ Jamie this, Jamie that… bah, I can’t wait until she comes back. _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


**LAPIS:**

  
  


“Is this new?” I breathed as Jamie led me down the street. “I don’t remember Beach City having any light viewing…”    
  


“Yeah, it’s relatively new. They’re trying something new this year,” Jamie told me. He grinned as he stopped me in front of a few small shops. “It’s put together by some small store owners hoping to spread some holiday cheer.”

“Hm.” I was intrigued. It was just starting to get dark, and we had been running around checking out the Christmas decorations and sales going on. Jamie got me these adorable dolphin socks even though I told him TWICE that he didn’t have to buy me anything. It’s… rather sweet. He’s sweet in general, which I can’t stress enough. He’s always thinking of other people, and he’s always wanting to make people happy or feel inspired by him. He’s thoughtful. He even shared his milkshake with me earlier when we had lunch at a burger shack. It’s so refreshing to have a guy who genuinely cares and has a heart unlike dicks like Kevin.

“Over here,” Jamie waved me over just behind some gathering people. “We can get the best view more to the left.”

“What kind of light viewing is it anyway? Is it one of those displays hooked to some music and the lights move with it?”

“You’ll see,” Jamie chuckled. We found a bench to sit on, staying close to each other for warmth. I rested my head on his shoulder, eyes alert for whatever it was that he was treating me to see.

“It didn’t really snow much this year, huh?” I commented.

“I think this is the smallest snowfall they had in awhile,” Jamie agreed. “It’s new.”

“I think I like new,” I murmured. 

_ New only when it’s good. Otherwise, new can scare me.  _

_ But what’s the difference when you don’t know if new would be good or bad? New could be like when this whole thing started. New could be like when I forgot to wake up a minute earlier for class. New can be anything… _

I glanced at Jamie.

_ New can sometimes be fun… _

I bit my lip, nearly wincing.

_ And new can be terrifying… _

“Cold?” Jamie leaned in towards me, catching the fact that I was shivering.

“... A little,” I made up an excuse for my momentary absence with reality. Perhaps I should stop thinking and do more of… doing. Thinking tends to get me into bad headspaces as I’m learning… 

I reached into the pocket of my jacket, pulling out the socks that Jamie had gotten me. I ran my fingers over the fabric, trying my best to stay in a good headspace.

“If you’re not feeling good, I can take you back to your dorm. I can record the lights for you,” Jamie offered.

“No, no- don’t do that. I’ll be fine.” I squeezed the socks in my hands. “I want to be here with you and see this with you in person.”

Jamie put his arm around me. “Don’t put your health on the line, Lapis. It’s okay to be honest with me. I understand.”   
  
I sighed. “I feel fine, I’m just… overthinking,” I admitted at last. “The usual. It’s nothing big…” I slowly shook my head, putting the socks away. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”   
  
I couldn’t reply. My throat was thick with saliva. 

_ I don’t need another person’s pity. I already know what the problem is and how to fix it. The issue is that I’m not making enough effort to actually fix it, and by doing so I’m taking other people down with me. _

“... School stuff,” I lied. “I’m worried about the play.”   
  
“You’ll be fine, I know you will,” Jamie supported me. “You’re the perfect role!”

“... Thanks, Jamie.”

_ Lying to his face.  _

_ Psh. You monster. _

I said nothing more, my head hyper focused on that one thought. 

A few more minutes had passed until the light show began, thankfully, so it served as a good distraction and wake up call to what was going on with the real world. I sat silently with Jamie as we watched the lights on a few shops spring to life, powering on and off in certain patterns and timings to a recorded reading of  _ A Visit from St. Nicholas.  _

After the light viewing, we started heading back to campus. I kept myself slightly leaned against Jamie while we walked stride for stride, the sky becoming darker to accompany the overhanging moon. 

“... If you could run away from all your problems even though you know it wouldn’t fix anything, would you do it?” I popped the question that had plagued my head, tired of thinking.

“Eh… Hm, I assume depends on the problems,” Jamie shrugged in reply. “Why?”   
  
“Just curious.” I took a large step forward, my shoes crunching into frosted grass. “There’s just so much out there. Aren’t you a bit curious of where you could go if nobody could stop you?”   
  
“I’ve always wanted to visit New York city to see a proper broadway…”   
  
“See? It can be fun-”   
  
“But,” Jamie interrupted me, “if I had to take some baggage with me, I guess it wouldn’t be worth it. I’d have fun enjoying myself, but eventually I would come back to know something is up. It doesn’t seem fun anymore when you realize that freedom comes at a price.”   
  
_ Interesting. I guess he isn’t always as shallow-happy as I thought he was. _

I took his response as food for thought. 

_ What’s the point in healing if you feel like you’ll never accomplish anything? Never getting anywhere or making any progress… feeling like you did make progress only for it to crash down on you… _

I exhaled, my breath leaving a frosty cloud in the air. “Have you ever thought about running away? Consequence free this time.”   
  
“Maybe a few times when I was a kid.” Jamie stepped into the grass with me, where he then began to follow me towards the shortcut back to campus. Past a few trees and some random plants, we’d soon reach our school. I couldn’t wait for graduation to come. “All this sad stuff is making me wonder what you’re up to.”

“It’s not sad, it’s just questions,” I said. “It’s nice to have casual conversation.”   
  
“Poor Peridot then,” Jamie joked.

_ … Right. _

“Is she doing okay as well? You seem like good roommates.”   
  
I stopped in my tracks. “Yeah. We plan on making some cookies tonight, actually. If you want, I can drop some off to you.”   
  
“That would be fantastic.”   
  
“Great. I’ll make one with your name on it,” I laughed. I stared at him for just a bit, then lightly nudged his shoulder. “I’ll make sure you get the best ones.”   
  
“Are you both making them?”   
  
“Yup.”   
  
“That’s nice,” Jamie smiled. “Sounds like an excellent bonding activity.”

_ … Right. Better bonding than when she kissed me. _

My throat was doing the choking up thing again.

I inhaled.

_ Her lips on mine… _

_ My lips on hers… _

I cleared my throat. I don’t know what I was thinking- I… it’s ridiculous. I mean, what I did next was just childish, but mostly also ridiculous. I closed the gap between us, delivering a kiss to Jamie’s cheek. “Thanks for lunch and the lights,” I began. 

“Anytime,” Jamie joyfully said.

Now was the ridiculous part that I didn’t even think twice about. I pushed him with a bit of force, sending us both falling onto the frosty grass. Jamie landed with a bit of an _ oof,  _ and I made sure to catch myself some so that my full weight wouldn’t collapse on him. 

I thought he would get mad at me for the sudden action. But, he didn’t. Instead, he started  _ laughing,  _ which in turn caused me to laugh again too. 

“Did you trip or was that on purpose? Because that would make a perfect fake fall in an act,” Jamie complimented me.

“Maybe I’m practicing then,” I chuckled.

“In that case, like in Hamlet where he stabs the unfortunate Polonius, I’ve fallen and am no more,” Jamie dramatically placed a hand over his face.

“You’re such a dork,” I giggled. “I didn’t hurt you- right?”  


Jamie shook his head. “You’re okay too, right?”

  
I nodded. “Good.” I kissed his lips as we continued to laugh, soaking up the moonlight as time seemed to not bother us anymore. 

We didn’t do anything further than that- I swear. And I am telling the truth. If anything, I guess we just… sort of made out in the grass. My head had grown empty, and I wasn’t aware of how much time was passing as I spent my time with him. I felt like a stupid teen all over again simply enjoying life. It was… the best feeling I ever had in awhile. No drugs were involved, no drinking or intimacy… we were just being immature together. Young, in love, and dumb.

… I had never felt that way with Kevin before.

And only sometimes did I feel like that with Jasper when we weren’t fighting or being complete idiots to the point we were  _ too  _ idiotic to do sweet dumb stuff.

I lost track of time though, that was my main fault. We ended up hanging out with each other for longer than I initially thought and well… I arrived back in the dorm late. And what did that mean? I ended up saying hello to a pissed off Peridot. Granted, I know I broke my word, but… she wouldn’t understand. Nobody would.

“... It’s late,” Peridot pointed out when I came in. 

My hair was ruffled up and my jacket was covered in frost from the grass. I started removing my jacket, kicking off my shoes. “I know.”   
  
“We were gonna make cookies and-”   
  
“I know, I’m sorry,” I apologized.

“It’s dark outside and-!”

  
“Peridot, I know. I have eyes.”

Peridot grumbled something under her breath. “... What’s that?” She hissed, pointing at my neck.

_ Oh my god. _

“First off, he isn’t hurting me, and second I encouraged him,” I retaliated. “He never would have done this otherwise- I mean, come on. He’s still a v-”

“WHAT IS THAT-?” Peridot’s eyes went wide.

“Is it that noticeable?!” I panicked.

“He hurt you! He hurt you, didn’t he?! I’ll kill that Jamie-!”  


“Peridot, oh my god- okay. Listen. This is what happens when two people kiss really, really passionately-”  


“THEY BRUISE-!?”

  
I covered my face. “I  _ encouraged  _ him and told him it was fine. He’s gentle- I brought this upon myself. I showed him how to- well, I made it more… active-”

“Is that one of those what I think it is- IT’S JUST LIKE MY FANFICTION-“

“Yes. That’s literally what I just explained-”

  
“So you forgot about our plans to hang out with your boyfriend and…” Peridot crossed her arms.

“We can still make cookies,” I offered.

“I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

  
“Well, fine then. Go to bed and I’ll make them myself,” I shrugged. “We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re mad about.”  


“I’m mad that you forgot about me and  _ our _ plans!” Peridot whined.

“I’m sorry. What more do you want me to do?” I asked, defeated. “We can either still make them now, or I can make them by myself.”

Peridot said some inaudible sentences, which I assume were a lot of cursing. I’m also now predicting that she’ll start going mute on me again. Great joy.

_ Did I fuck up that bad? We didn’t even do anything!! Stop being pissy at me!!! _

Peridot took Pumpkin, heading to her room.

_ … Whatever. I didn’t do anything. Lost track of time a little? Sure. But I still offered to spend time with her! God… people are fucking confusing. _

If she ever wants to talk to me like an adult for five seconds instead of ignoring me again, fine. Then maybe I can settle this situation straight with her. But as for tonight? If she was gonna be like that, fine.

I’m not letting the negative ruin my night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // I’m alive and updating this with a Christmas chapter... on New Years  
> Whoops


End file.
